What's going down at UPS?

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Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:02 am

Captain Mal's inbox is receiving a lot of scripts purporting to come from the United Parcel Service, and a funny bunch they are.

From Mr. Gabriel (or Gabreil) Williams:

Quote:

the swift [ATM VISA CARD] and the manual piper on how to make use of it is been packaged inside an envelop which is registered with the UPS delivering company for immediate delivering, the registration fee is been paid, AND YOU ARE REQUIRED TO QUIRKILY FORWARD YOUR CORRECT RECEIVING INFORMATION’S TO THE UPS DELIVERING AGENT TO AVOID WRONG DELIVERING OF YOUR PACKAGE

From Mr James Vincent Scott, running the "Two men claimed your are dead and want your money" line:

Quote:

Note that any further delay from your side could be dangerous, and we
would not be held responsible for any wrong payment. Below is the
burial pictures brought in confirmation that you are dead.

Mal's reply was scornful.

Quote:

No, I am not dead. No, I do not know Mr Deane or Mr Morgan. And no, you didn't attach any pictures. UPS shouldn't hire the handicapped.

From Zongo Damani:

Quote:

Everything is shifting accordingly for the delivering of your ATM Card pancake to you at your door-step as instructed us by the Anti- fraud committee organization, NOTE: dear customer, with-statement-law in foreign offices which declared that any cherish parcel to be delivered across must be insured and bound with the courier service insurance coverage for safety reasons also to avoid immigration office interrupt on the way for delivering,
Therefore you are urging to send us the sum of $75 dollars, which will be used to obtain your parcel insurance document from the UPS insurance coverage unit, quirkily make the payment with the below treasury staff information’s through western union or money-gram transfer office today or tomorrow morning,

And back at James Vincent Scott, who has lost the plot:

Quote:

THERE IS NO SCAM SCHEME INVOLVED IN THIS GREAT TRANSACTION THAT WASHY YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PAY THE INSURANCE COVERAGE FEES $100.00 FIRST SO THAT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS ON YOUR FUND THEN YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE IMMEDIATELY.
MEANWHILE, THIS IS A FIX PRIZE ALL BENEFICIARY ARE DULY PAID THE
CHARGES BEFORE THE TRANSFER COMMENCE SMOOTHLY. I HAVE BEEN WORKING AS A BANKER FOR OVER 10YEAR AND I HAVE NO BAD RECORD BECAUSE I NEVER EVER INVOLVED IN ANY SHADY BUSINESS SO THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH ME.
GOD ALMIGHTY WILL BEAR ME WITTINESS. I CAN NEVER EVER DECEIVE YOU FOR ANYTHING AT MY AGE OK. PLEASE REASON WITH ME AS A MOTHER LIKE YOU. BESIDE THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

Mal was scornful once more.

Quote:

I never mentioned your scam schemes, I never said anything about your bad record or your shady business, and I gorram well didn't mention your severe gender identification issues. Like I said, UPS should not hire the handicapped.

Will there be more fuck-UPS? Stay tuned...

Edited to add quote tags

419Eater is my life Joined: 27 Jan 2015 Posts: 331

.. delivering of your ATM Card pancake

Mr. Green

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:18 am

Now indelibly printed in my mind as United Pancake Service Very Happy

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

^^ Hahahaha

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 2:43 am

I want to know exactly what type of pancakes will be in the package. Banana pancakes? Blueberry pancakes? Chocolate chip pancakes? Gluten-free pancakes? Will syrup be included? Laughing

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 3:32 am

Long time no see! How's your stock of winter tire air?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 4:26 am

I have a UPS lad on the hook as well right now. This one is calling himself Eric Johnson, and he claims to have an ATM card to deliver to me. He doesn't have an ATM card, but he does have a volatile temper. He's tried to drop me multiple times and repeatedly called Roger a fool when his payment attempts failed. First he asked me to send money to his mule by bank transfer, then he wanted me to send a check in the mail (which was lost by the postal service), and now he's working with my crooked banker Mr Hilts.

Hilts told him to ask for more money than the $850 he was originally asking for, and when Roger asked why the fee had increased, this was his response:

Quote:

Thank you so much for your Email Dear Roger, Please i will like you to knows very well that why you are going to pay the sum of $800,000USD is because of the transfer fees and the Tax and for money Laundering and terrorism that is all the document you have to pay for before the transfer is going to be mend.

So is you are really want your Fund to been Transfer into your Bank Account
immediate without any delay or and on-hold you have to go ahead and see that you make the payment if you are ready to make the payment you just get back to me so that i will give you the info to make the payment okay.

Roger is alarmed to hear that his money will be going to terrorists:

Quote:

What is this about money laundry and terrorism? My fee payment is not going to fund terrorism, is it? Are you a terrorist?!

I am very worried about this now, why are you talking about such wicked things like terrorism and money laundry? I think I need to go to the bank and speak to Mr Hilts about this, because I am very confused what is going on with this payment and now your saying that you might be revolved with terrorists!

Now Roger is refusing to pay until the lad explains, but the lad is being lazy and trying to get Hilts to convince Roger to pay. Hilts will slap him, telling him it's his responsibility to maintain credibility for the scam, and Roger will remain skeptical until the lad puts sufficient effort into convincing him that he's not a terrorist.

Should be fun.

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 11:21 pm

The lad complains to Hilts that he is not helping to convince Roger:

Quote:

Listening to yourself you are the one who told me to give Roger this kind of Amount of Bill that you are going to take care of it that is going to trust you as soon as you told him that this is Legit so now what is going on, you as his Banker you can not again Convict him as you promise you have to go ahead and call him or if you want i will forget all about this if i see that you are not for real anymore.

Why can't you tell Roger that this is real so that he can believe you as you told me before that i have to go ahead and give him the bill which i have done, that the other thing is in your Hands now i have not see anything you are doing to help matter

Mr. Hilts, Please you have to try to make this Roger to understand that all is real so that he can go ahead and ask you to make the transfer or you can go ahead by yourself and make the transfer.

Hilts tells him that it's his job:

Quote:

I already told the stupid bastard that it's legit, but he said he needs to make sure by asking you. I told him to trust me, but Roger is a stubborn son of a bitch. When he gets like this, theirs nothing I can say that will convict him. So its gotta come from you. And let me remind you, your the one running the scam, so its your job to make sure he still believes you, not mine. I'm just the one doing the money laundry.

Listen, why can't you just tell him your not a goddam terrorist so we can get it over with and get the transfer moving? That should be really fucking simple. Again, your the only one holding this shit.

The lad claims he did reassure Roger:

Quote:

am not the one that is holding anything i have already told Roger that am not terrorist (actually, he didn't) and i have told him that as soon as he to go to Bank and ask you to go ahead and make the transfer, but since that time i have not heard anything again from him so what did you want me to do kill myself know.

Please Dear Mr. Hilts you have to call him and tell him whatever that you know so that he will ask you to go ahead and make the transfer into the Bank Account i give you and i hope really understand that we have enter December so we need this money before is too later.

Hilts tells him not to be a drama queen:

Quote:

Don't be a fucking drama queen dude. If you already told the old fool your not a terrorist, and he didn't believe you, than you gotta tell him again and again until you convict him. I'll call him too, but you defiantly gotta put some effort into it.

Remember, we can make a shit ton of money from this idiot if you play the job rite. You don't want some stupid bullshit like this to fuck up the job, do you? So do whatever you gotta do, dude. It'll all pay off in the end.

Despite his claims to Hilts, the lad really hasn't told Roger that he's not a terrorist:

Quote:

Thank you so much for your email, Dear Roger, i really knows very well that you know you are the one that is now holding the Transfer of your Fund because if you have allow your Banker to make the transfer of the fee i for done get everything done since.

Once again i want to you to go ahead to your Bank today and ask the Bank to go ahead for the transfer so that we can get this done before this weekend.

About what you are asking me am telling you that as soon as you make the payment of $800,000USD that i will use it to get all document that we back you up as the really Beneficiary so that nothing is going to hold the transfer of your Fund as soon as i make the transfer okay.

Thank you so much and may God bless you all the time of your Life Amen

Roger still wants to be reassured that the lad is not a terrorist:

Quote:

I'm not paying you anything until you explicate why your talking about terrorism and money laundry! I am getting very specious of why you refuse to answer any of my questions with a strait answer. What is going on here?

You would think it would be easy for the lad to just say he's not a terrorist. But this lad is an idiot. I'm hoping to get some more mileage from this, maybe get him to join my Church to prove he's not a terrorist.

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