Okey Fenokey gets his much needed help...

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Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:01 am

Oke somethng or other Ben Kenobi Emmanuel Okonkwo just hit me up for 1500 to open a push truck repair facility. Thankfully he didn't drag me through the death of any relatives, of diddle my lottery winning nerve, so I decided to help the poor bastard out.

Quote:

I must say that am very sorry to write you but I don�t have any other way to help my self and my family. Am a citizen of Nigerian and my name is Okechukwu Emmanuel okonkwo. I came from a poor family without any education in my life. I left Nigeria since 2000 to South Africa to look for a way to provide food to my family and b�cos I don�t have any c v. no one want to help me with a job.

My problem now is that I can open a business but I don�t have the cash for it. I will like to open a truck shop and I will be able to sell and buy. Please my dear I don�t want to just sit doing nothing and my young one have to go to school but I don�t have the money to pay for them and my father is dead.

The lesson why am writing you is to know if you can be able to help me out of this situation please. Any help from you will be highly accepted. The business I want to open will cost me about 1500usd to open it and I can be able to support my family from it.

Well, maybe there is a dead father in there, but he hardly gets mentioned, and he truly has a bit role. Feeling strongly that his might finally be the last honest lad- I offered this help based on his message:

Dearest Okey Fenokey-

Here's some wonderful help-

First off, vis a vis the ciricullum vitae issue- make it up! That's what most executives at large Corporations in the West do. It is all a great load of bollocks. They rent some time at a nice computer facility, buy some nice cream laid linen paper and craft the biggest package of lies imaginable. Each one completing to tell a bigger lie that the one before! If the position is for a business manager, they will tell stories about how they have invented international banking, or that they developed the concept of the Euro. If the position open is for a technician, some of this wankers will claim that they invented the internet, or wireless telephony or the network router. Shyte- I tell people that I invented the Tesla Coil and the Van Der Graff Generator and they don't even challenge me on it, and I'm a bloddy football star! Pick out a subject you like and make up some whoppers. Award yourself a degree in Truck-pushology, become Minister of Lorries for some long gone, but not forgotten country like Equatorial New Lichtenstein. Then get your ass over to a bank and sell yourself sport. Loans are the way to do business. Forget this nonsense of 1,500 quid to open a business- think big. Hit a bank up for 500,000 quid to start a chain of lorry repair facilities and comfort stations along the Sangama Expressway back home. Become the King of Roadside Pissoirs!

Scondly- that whole family entanglement thing- look boyo- if times are that tough you've got to start thinking about number one. Why waste time with school for the young ones? What are they going to learn there but a load of revolutionary crap that won't serve them well in the Roadside Pissoir and Lorry Repair Empire you are crafting. How old are they? Given anything beyond still being in nappies, which means they can be strapped on Mum's back and SHE can get her lazy ass to work, then you need to find something productive for them to do. Can they carry boxes? Can they reach the windshield and become glazing cleaning technology specialists (see how much better that sounds than window washers?) how about someone to crawl under the lorries into all those hard to reach, and potentially leathal places when the engine is turning? Who better to serve as tool shagger than a small one- they are nimble, have tiny hands, and what the hell- if you lose one, you only have a few years invested in them, and you can always have Mummy spit another happy little worker out for the cause, right? Heck- it might even be fun.

Now, and I know most critically to your concerns here... tapping me for a loan. Seriously man is this the way you want to start off? With indentured servitude to some toff in England? I mean it's not like I care about the 1,500 quid, I've probably dropped that on a good nights mucking about with my mates, but if I loan it to you, then I own the shop, and you are my serf or vassal or partner or whatever the hell they call them now. And your little one's labor belongs to me, and I don't have the time or the interest in managing that thank you very much.

But I don't want to seem the inssensitive churl, so I tell you what... I've only just gotten notice that I've won some wanking huge lotto in honor of some silly bullshit or the other. I'll send it off to you, and you just tell them that you are me, and claim the money for yourself!!! They won't know the difference- you probably look a lot like me... 175 cm, about 80 Kg, stunningly good looks, sharp looking brand new Newcastle football kit with your name on the back? Rouguish smile and a remarkable talent with the ladies? I'm sure you could pull it off, although you might have to suck in that gut a touch. Oh, and stay out of the sun for a couple of weeks so your tan will fade.

Cheerio!

Michael Owen.

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