Family Ties and a Suicide-Bomber-A-Gram...

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Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 12:37 pm

<br>The lad is Hays Tim0thy. I'm the one in CAPS.

I've realized that when chatting with lads you need to get them on the back foot and off the business in hand from the start. In this case I asked him about his pregnant wife. I didn't know she was pregnant and probably neither did he until I asked the question. Anyway, it had the desired effect and we had a cosey family chat until he spoilt it by mentioning the money shot. The second part of the bait is a bit one sided as he spits his dummy out of the cart at my suggestion of karking his thieving relatives...

Quote:

9:58 AM Hays: hello
10:01 AM Caractacus: HELLO TO YOU TODAY
Hays: How are you doing and your family
10:02 AM Caractacus: I'M FINE ALTHOUGH MY WIFE HAS A SLIGHT TOUCH OF CROUPING COUGH. HOW ARE YOURS?
Hays: We are Okay
10:03 AM Caractacus: IS YOUR WIFE STILL WITH CHILD? HOW LONG TO GO NOW?
Hays: yes
10:04 AM 2months
Caractacus: DO YOU KNOW WHAT SEX IT IS?
10:05 AM Hays: Yes , did a scan and it is a Boy
Caractacus: HAVE YOU PICKED A NAME YET?
10:06 AM Hays: Not yet still thinking of what to name him
10:07 AM Caractacus: PERSONALLY I THINK CHARLES IS A GOOD NAME. I ALSO LIKE USMAN. DOES YOUR WIFE HAVE ANY IDEAS AS TO WHAT TO CALL THE LITTLE FELLA?
10:08 AM Hays: well not yet
10:10 AM Caractacus: WITH TWO MONTHS TO GO YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. I HAVE SEVEN CHILDREN ALL GIRLS. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT. SERVES ME RIGHT FOR BEIG A CATHOLIC I SUPPOSE. DO YOU HAVE ANY GIRLS MR TIMOTHY?
10:11 AM Hays: Yes 1
wow 7 gurls
Caractacus: WHAT IS SHE CALLED?
Hays: Jennifer
10:12 AM Caractacus: WHAT A LOVELY NAME. DO YOU CALL HER JENNY FOR SHORT?
10:14 AM Hays: yea
jenny
Jen sometimes
she is a wonderful young lady
10:15 AM Caractacus: I'M PLEASED TO HEAR IT AND I'M SURE SHE DOES YOU CREDIT. HOW OLD IS SHE?
10:17 AM Hays: she is was 13 yesterday
10:19 AM Caractacus: THAT IS THE AWKWARD AGE ISN'T IT WHEN THE HORMONES KICK IN AND THEY DISCOVER BOYS. HAS SHE GOT A BOYFRIEND? MY HOUSEHOLD IS OVERRUN WITH PIMPLY YOUTHS TRYING TO GET IN MY DAUGHTER KNICKERS.
10:20 AM Hays: lol
10:21 AM you are so funny
definitely they would come
what do you expect
Caractacus: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN THEN. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE TO WORRY ABOUT. I HAVE SEVEN. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER CHILDREN APART FROM JENNY?
Hays: 2 issue plus the last one
jenny is the first
10:22 AM while i have chris second
then another timothy coming
10:23 AM Caractacus: IS CHRIS A BOY OR A GIRL, BECAUSE SOMETIMES CHRIS CAN BE SHORT FOR CHRISTINE?
Hays: a boy
10:24 AM the boy
is kool but sometimes acts wired
10:25 AM Caractacus: HOW OLD IS HE? HE MUST BE YOUNGER THAN JENNY IS HE? IS HE ALSO GETTING TO AN AWKWARD AGE WHEN HIS SPOTS ERUPT AND HE DISCOVERS GIRLS ARE QUITE NICE AFTER ALL?
10:26 AM Hays: well jenny is 3 yrs older than him
but the last one is like a late issue
which we didn't plan for
but as it came we accept in Good , who are we not too
10:28 AM Caractacus: YOU MEAN AN ACCIDENT? TELL ME ABOUT IT!! I'VE BEEN THERE AND GOT THE NAPPYS TO PROVE IT. ARE THE KIDS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEW ARRIVAL?
Hays: Ya
10:29 AM Caractacus: DO THEY HAVE ANY NAMING SUGGESTIONS?
10:30 AM Hays: well yea
some said
10:31 AM Samuel, some said Alex, some said Brian
10:33 AM Caractacus: IS TIMOTHY YOUR FIRST OR LAST NAME,BECAUSE I THINK IF IT IS YOUR LAST NAME THEN CALLING HIM TIMOTHY TIMOTHY WOULD BE QUITE COOL BECAUSE WHEN HE GETS OLDER HE WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM REMEMBERING OR SPELLING HIS NAME. WHAT DO YOU THINK/
10:34 AM Hays: yes thats same thing i am thinking off
10:35 AM Caractacus: TIMOTHY TIMOTHY HAS A CERTAIN SYMMETRY DOESN'T IT? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT A MIDDLE NAME?
10:36 AM Hays: nope
10:37 AM Caractacus: NORMALLY OVER HERE WE TAKE A NAME FROM A RELATIVE THAT HAS PASSED ON. MAYBE YOU DO THAT TO KEEP THEIR NAME ALIVE?
Hays: we do
10:38 AM but not all the times
so with 7 girls how are you aiding up your finances
?
10:39 AM Caractacus: I HAVE THEM WORKING ON THE STREETS. ONLY JOKING!
10:40 AM MY WIFE HAS DEEP POCKETS AND A WEATHY FAMILY THAT HELP US OUT
10:41 AM IT IS THE SCHOOL HOLIDAY AT THE MOMENT SO THE HOUSE IS BURSTING AT THE SEAMS
10:43 AM Hays: okay

well you can make you ur own funds if you want, by investing just a little
10:44 AM what abt the cheque
10:46 AM Caractacus: I DO WORK. IT GETS ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AWAY FROM ALL THOSE TAMPAX AND DRYING DAMP PANTIES WHICH DRIVE ME NUTS. wHAT IS YOUR WIFE CALLED?
11 minutes
10:57 AM Caractacus: WHERE ARE YOU?

The second part...

Quote:

3:19 PM Hays: hey potts
what abt the cheque
what is the status
?
3:21 PM Caractacus: GOOD DAY. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Hays: am okay
3:22 PM Caractacus: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE?
Hays: I had to do somethings
thats why i had to go off
3:23 PM Caractacus: NOTHING SERIOUS I HOPE?
3:24 PM Hays: yea
Caractacus: YOU MEAN IT WAS SERIOUS?
5 minutes
3:29 PM Hays: No
3:32 PM Caractacus: THAT IS GOOD NEWS THEN. i HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF KIDS AT THE MOMENT AND IT IS LIKE BEDLAM AND HARD TO CONCENTRATE. THEY ARE ALL WATCHING THE ANTIQUES ROADSHOW AND MAKING A RIGHT RACKET I CAN TELL YOU.
Hays: okay
3:33 PM Caractacus: OKAY WHAT?
Hays: i c
well
we need to complete the transaction
we have on ground
3:37 PM Caractacus: DID YOU TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT CALLING YOUR BOY TIMOTHY TIMOTHY? I'M SURE SHE WOULD APPROVE. MY WIFE NAMED ALL OUR GIRLS AFTER THE PLACES WHERE THEY WERE CONCEIVED. YOU KNOW A BIT LIKE BROOKYLN BECKAM AND PARIS HILTON.
3:41 PM Hays: yea
right
3:45 PM Caractacus: MY FIRST ONE WAS CALLED 'CHINA' CONCEIVED IN THE SIDE ALLEY NEXT TO OUR LOCAL TAKEAWAY RESTAURANT AFTER A PARTICULARY SPICY kORMA.
3:46 PM Hays: ok
3:47 PM Caractacus: OKAY WHAT?
3:48 PM Hays: Listen
i need 1298 USD to process a payment which i would want you to be incharge of. I would ask the bank to make the transfer to your account particulars
3:50 PM Caractacus: SORRY I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING..
9 minutes
3:59 PM Hays: what i am saying is that, i have some funds which is an inheritance and right now my late uncle willed it to me, But because of the kind of monopoly involved in my family they want have all the funds for them selfs , my banker alerted me that some of my relatives wants to transfer the funds which was willed too me, so he stopped it and told me to look for someone in the state that i trust
4:00 PM to transfer this funds to his account
and now come down
4:01 PM you going to have
your own %
from it
but right now i need that amount
to complete the transfer fee
4:02 PM Caractacus: WHY DON'T YOOU JUST ARRANGE TOHAVE THESE RELATIVES KILLED IF THEY ARE STEPPING ON YOUR NECK. I KNOW PEOPLE THAT COULD DO THE JOB IF YOU ARE INTERESTED?
4:03 PM Hays: Neutral

4:05 PM well that is not going to be important now, they best i can do is to move the funds immediately as my banker did advice me
4:06 PM Caractacus: MY CONTACTS CHARGE $10,000 PER HIT NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I WOULD ALSO SUGGEST THAT YOU RUB OUT YOUR BANKER JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
4:07 PM Hays: where is your contact from
give me your mobile number
so that we talk on phone
4:10 PM Caractacus: SO DO YOU WANT ME TO ORGANISE THE HIT ON THE THIEVING RELATIVES THEN? GET THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE ANDI CAN ORGANISE A SUICIDE- BOMBER- A - GRAM. BASICALLY THIS GUT GETS PAID TO BLEW HIMSELF AND THE VICTIMS TO KINGDOM COME DISGUISED AS A RAMBLER. A BIT MESSY, BUT EFFECTIVE. JUST SAY THE WORD.
4:12 PM Hays: No man i wouldnt want that
4:15 PM Caractacus: OKAY. JUST A SUGGESTION. I GOT RID OF MY FIRST WIFE THAT WAY. SHE WAS BLOWN INTO SO MANY SMALL PIECES SHE LOOKED LIKE A HUMAN JIGSAW WHEN THEY PUT HER BITS BACK TOGETHER FOR THE FUNERAL.
4:16 PM Hays: YOU MEAN IT
?
4:18 PM Caractacus: OF COURSE I MEANT IT. I ALSO MADE SURE SHE WAS WELL INSURED BEFOREHAND IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. IS YOUR WIFE INSURED MR TIMOTHY? WHAT IS HER NAME BY THE WAY?
Hays: Matty
4:22 PM so what are you saying , do you wanna help me receive this funds in your account or not
?
10 minutes
4:33 PM Caractacus: SORRY GOT TO GO OUT FOR A WHILE. ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS HAS A MUSIC CLASS.
Hays: ok

Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:16 am

Quote:

OKAY WHAT?

That cracks me up every time I see it

Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:13 am

Quote:

SO DO YOU WANT ME TO ORGANISE THE HIT ON THE THIEVING RELATIVES THEN? GET THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE ANDI CAN ORGANISE A SUICIDE- BOMBER- A - GRAM.

Too funny!!!

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