Looks like my first bait is over

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Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 10:44 pm

This wasn't the first bait I started (that one's still going strong after a month and a half or so, and we haven't even gone to MoneyGram yet... Twisted Evil

) but it's the first to finish. It's a lottery bait, and it wasn't great, as I couldn't really get the scammers off script (I know that's hard to do in lottery baits) but it does have a couple of nice slaps.

Warning: Some slaps may not be 100% worky safe.

My character is Maeby Funke, from the brilliant TV series Arrested Development, which, yes, will be returning for a third season, despite weak ratings. She's the girl in my avatar (which admittedly isn't a very good picture of her.)

Red is a scammer (Eric Ward or Sagos "Sagass" White), green is Maeby, and blue is my commentary, if any.

I got this message in my catcher account around August 2:

From: Claims Agent <[email protected]>
Date: Aug 2, 2005 1:26 PM
Subject: WINNING NOTIFICATION!!
To:

UKONLINE

UK Online Lottery
P O Box 4279
Liverpool, L70 1NL
UNITED KINGDOM
(Customer Services)
Ref: UKON/5464K2/71
Batch: 012/05/DR432
2nd,August 2005

WINNING NOTIFICATION

We happily announce to you the draw (#954) of the UK ONLINE
INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY,online Sweepstakes International program held on
the 29th,july 2005

Your e-mail address attached to ticket number:1356683522 352 with
Serial number 3422/05 drew the lucky numbers:
11-34-21-35-12-56-12(bonus no.),which subsequently won you the
lottery in the 2nd category i.ematch 5 plus bonus.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of �250,000(Two
hundred and fifty thousand great britain pounds) in cash credited to
file
KTU/467557844/05.

This is from a total cash prize of �1,000,000,00 shared amongst the
first four (4 ) lucky winners in this category i.e Match 5 plus bonus.

All participants for the online version were selected randomly from
World Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from
over 100,000 unions, associations, and corporate bodies that are
listed online. This promotion takes place weekly.

Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European
booklet representative office in Europe as indicated in your play
coupon.In view of this, your �250,000(Two hundred and fifty thousand
great britain pounds) would be released to you by any of our
affiliated securities/couriers companies.

Our agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the
release of your funds as soon as you contact him.

For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning
information confidential till your claim is processed and your money
remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.

This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming
and unwarranted abuse of this program. Please be warned.

To file for your claim, please contact our claims agent:

Mr:sagos white
Email:[email protected]
Goodluck from me and members of staff of the UK ONLINE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY.

Yours faithfully,

Richard K.Lloyds.
Online coordinator for UK ONLINE
INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY.
Sweepstakes International Program.
[email protected]
0841 288 8000
Open 7 days 8am-11pm.

As always, don't call that number at strange times. And please don't fill the address with pr0n, gambling newsletters, voodoo pictures, etc.

Dear Sagos White,

I was astonished to see that I had won a big lottery prize! This must
be the luckiest day of my life, I thought. But then I read the bottom
of the email: entrants under 18 are automatically disqualified.

And this made me sad, because I am only 16. Are you sure there's no
way I can get the prize anyway, without committing any kind of fraud?
I could have lied to you and said I was 18, gotten the money, run off
with George Michael, and everything would have been perfect...no, I'm
dreaming. He would never have gone along. He cares about the family
-- sometimes I think he cares too much. But that's why I liked him to
begin with, I guess.

Anyway, what can I do to get this money? If you help me, I'll even
split it with you 55-55.

Sincerely,

Maeby Funke

There are a lot of references to Arrested Development in here, of course. Let me explain the most prominent one: in the pilot, Maeby kissed her cousin George Michael (the boy in my avatar) to get attention from her oblivious parents. It didn't work, but it caused George Michael to have a crush on her for a while. That went away, but when George Michael got a girlfriend, Maeby got jealous ("She has no face," said Maeby. "You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one") and started to develop her own crush on George Michael. This was open to interpretation until the second season finale, when she kissed George Michael again (as pictured in my avatar.) Then their uncle Gob (don't question the names, and it's pronounced like the biblical Job) walked in, and...didn't seem to notice, because he had his mind on something more important. I'm not explaining why, because that would require me to explain half of the series so far.

And there was no reference to age in the opening letter of this bait, but there was in the first one I tried to respond to. The email address for that one had apparently been deaded, though. I wanted to use the modality, since that was why I started using Maeby.

Back to the bait!

Uk Online Lottery
P O Box 1010
Liverpool, L70 1NL
UNITED KINGDOM
(Customer Services)
Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: 074/05/ZY369
3rd, August 2005

ATTN:Winner

Thanks your for your mail. Addresses of individuals and companies from America, Asia, Africa, Australia,Canada,Europe, Middle East, and New Zealand were included as part of our International Promotions Program .
UK ONLINE LOTTERY is launching its model computer balloting lottery draws,developed and designed to satisfy the cravings of the evergrowing number of participants in our various lottery programs. This is a promotional draw which officially launches the new system. With funds accrued exclusively from previous draws, payouts to all winners are guaranteed and will be transferred in record time. After randomly selecting 15,000 participants from an initial database of 300,000 emails and zoning all participants by their respective continents from across the globe, we produced an extensive list from which you have emerged as one of the winners of the Promotional Grand Draw prize.
This correspondence officially confirms that we are in receipt of instructions relating to the payment of you lottery winnings.
Please complete the form below with correct information and email back to us with a return email or via the fax number above.
Looking forward to your urgent reply.
Yours Faithfully,
Mr.Sagos White (UK ONLINE LOTTO)

CLAIMS PROCESSING FORM

............................................................................................................................................................................
Last name First and middle names

............................................................................................................................................................................
Mailing address

City ...............................State............................. ZipCode...................................

Phone number............................................Fax number................................................

Country .......................................................................................................

Email address ...........................................................................................

Occupation..................................................Job title............................................

Date and Place of Birth.....................................................

Ticket number......................................Ref:number..........................................................

Batch number......................................AmountWon.......................................................

Marital Status....................................................

Description of Yourself..............................................................................

You must be 16 or over to play or claim a prize

NOTE IF KNOW YOU ARE NOT UP TO THE UK LOTTERY AGE YOU CAN TELL YOUR FATHER TO CLAIM IT TO YOU.OR ANY MENBER OF YOUR FAMILY.

Dear Sagos White,

Thank you so much! It's 16 and over, not 18 and over? You would not
believe to hear how happy I am to hear this! You have made my day,
week, month, and year. I wanted to tell George Michael right away,
but decided to wait until I have the money in my hands. I think he's
still a little weirded out since I kissed him, even though he was
definitely kissing back. I mean, it's me, his cousin -- that's pretty
weird. But when it's right it's right, as they say, and hopefully
he'll see that soon.

Here's my information:

Name: Maeby Funke

Mailing Address: Balboa Towers, 8105 River Road, Apartment 2419,
Newport Beach, California, 91102, USA

Phone Number: I don't have a phone

Occupation: Film producer

DOB: April 19, 1989

Place of birth: Boston, MA

Ticket number: 1356683522 352

Amount won: 250,000 UK pounds

Marital status: Single and engaged (in my mind and soul, if not in
reality...yet)

Description: Uh...short, black curly hair, somewhat dark complexion?
See the attached picture.

Sincerely,

Maeby Funke

The picture I sent can be found at http://the-op.com/media/image2.php?cid=57&i=913&cat=6200.

4-08-2005

ATTENTION:Maeby Funke,

CONGRATULATIONS!This is to inform you that you have been cleared a winner of the UK ONLINE LOTTERY online Sweepstakes International program. I am happy to inform you that i have forwarded your Original Certificate and your Certified bank cheque to the courier company.
Find below the details of the courier company.

NET POST COURIER SERVICE LTD
ADDRESS OF HEAD OFFICE:Link House, Link Place, BRIGHTON, Sussex, BN1
7DX, ENGLAND.
NAME:MR ERIC WARD(dispatch officer)

EMAIL: [email protected] or [email protected]
FAX: +448701344579
TEL: +447040113371

Of course, I hope that you will not call them or email them.

You are adviced to send the courier company a mail to their email address for their courier cost.When contacting them,you are to include this order number as your
subject.Please you are adviced to write down the order number and save it.

ORDER NUMBER:AL252368

Note: you are Quote your complete names,Ref/Batch Numbers and your direct phone number so that they can honour your letter.Once again i say congratulations and always inform me with your dealings with the courier company.

Thanks,

Mr Sagos White,
Fiduciary Agent,
UK ONLINE LOTTO.

Dear Sagass White:

I still don't have a phone number. This isn't a problem, right?

And I never sent a bank check. What's going on?

Maeby Funke

I get no reply for a few days.

Sagass White:

I haven't heard from you in a few days. I hope there's no problem.
What do I need to do to collect my prize?

Maeby Funke

ATTENTION Maeby Funke,
WE JUST RECEIVE YOUR EMAIL IN OUR OFFICE NOW.I WILL LIKE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THE REASON OF CONTACT THE COURIER COMPANY IS FOR YOU TO KNOW THE COST OF DELIVERY, IF YOU KNOW YOU CAN PAY OF YOUR DELIVERY YOU CAN TELL ANY MENBER OF YOUR FAMILY TO PAY OF YOU SO THAT YOU CAN CLAIM YOUR WINNING PRIZE.THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN CLAIM
YOUR MONEY BUT IF YOU KNOW YOU CAN COME TO UK AND CLAIM IT YOU CAN COME WITH YOUR LAWYER AND ONE MENBER OF YOUR FAMLIY.TRY AND SEND MAIL TO COURIER COMPANY.
THANKS
MR SAGOS WHITE,
CLAIMS AGENT.

Seems like I got him off script a little. That's always good.

Dear Sagass White:

OK, sure, I understand. So how do I contact the courier company? I
want to get this money soon so I can buy George Michael something nice
for his birthday...it's on September 7. I think he's afraid to love
me because he thinks I might reject him, that I think it's wrong
somehow for me to love him, because he's my cousin...I don't think
that, but for now, I'm the only one who can know it for sure. If I
told him I think he'd say he thinks it's wrong, and he still might not
believe me. Maybe he really does think that.

Anyway, let me know the address of the courier company.

Maeby Funke

No reply for a few days. Time to try out a slap -- this is the first slap I ever used against a mugu!

Sagass White:

What in the hell are you doing? I have been waiting to hear from you
for a week and you have not said a word. I have projects to work on,
you know. The script for Operation: Hot Mother isn't going to edit
itself. I don't have time for screwing around.

I don't know how to contact your courier company, because you haven't
told me. So if you want to help me claim my prize, get off your lazy
ass and tell me! If you keep ignoring me, I'll know that you are not
for real, and will expose your so-called lottery company for the fraud
it is! I'll give you until Wednesday to reply.

If you are a fraudstar, you are a damn pathetic one! You didn't even
try to give me an address (more like a sinkhole) to send my money to!
What's the matter? Did your internet cafe throw you out for looking
at gay porn? Or goat porn? (Ack. Just thinking of the words makes
me sick. But I bet you are droooling. Out your penis, if you know
what I mean. And I know you do, you cheat, you liar, you
incomprehensible pervert!)

Unless you show me I am wrong, you have become, without ever meeting
me, the person I hate more than all but two others -- and those two
are my parents, who are just general screwballs, who never really
cared about me. But even they would never do something like this --
claiming you were about to give me $250,000, then yanking it away.
Nothing disgusts me more than you liars and hypocrites.

My next movie will be about a secret agent who goes after fraudstars
like yourself. It will be dedicated to my beloved George Michael, and
to the destruction of SAGASS WHITE! Unless, of course, he proves his
honesty, and quickly!

Maeby Funke

I thought this might be the end. But Sagass replied:

ATTENTION Maeby Funke,

MY ADIVCE TO YOU IS THAT TRY AND SEND A MAIL TO COURIER COMPANY WITH THIS EMAIL BELOW

[email protected] OR CALL THIS NUMBER

TEL: +447040113371

THANKS

MR SAGOS WHITE,

CLAIMS AGENT.

Sagass White:

OK, this better work. And don't yell next time!

Maeby Funke

I send this email to the "courier company." It's mostly a repeat, and the attached picture is the same as before, but now in .bmp format, so approximately ten times as large. Shocked

To whom it may concern:

OK, I won an online lottery, and I've been dealing with their claims
agent, Sagass White. He told me to write to you to claim the prize.
What do I have to do? Here's my information:

Name: Maeby Funke

Mailing Address: Balboa Towers, 8105 River Road, Apartment 2419,
Newport Beach, California, 91102, USA

Phone Number: I don't have a phone

Occupation: Film producer

DOB: April 19, 1989

Place of birth: Boston, MA

Ticket number: 1356683522 352

Amount won: 250,000 UK pounds

Marital status: Single and engaged (in my mind and soul, if not in
reality...yet)

Description: Uh...short, black curly hair, somewhat dark complexion?
See the attached picture.

Maeby Funke

NETPOSTCOURIERS
REG:UK0186484UR82342
TEL:+447040113371
FAX:+448701344579

17th Of August 2005

Reg order no:AL257252

ATTENTION:Maeby Funke

Thank you for contacting Net-Post courier customer service.

Attached is a scaanned copy of your winning cerificate.This is to inform you that you have been officially cleared for payment by the Verifications Dept. at the headquarters of the UK Online International Lottery.

The original copy of this certificate, together with a covering document (Money Laundering protection and Letter of Affidavit for Claims) from the British government stating that the money was obtained legally through their international Lotto will be sent to you and the bank as soon as you meet with any of the option selected and your winnings will be couriered or transferred to you immediately.

You can now begin the final step of the claims process, which is the transferring of your cash prize to you. With regards to this, there are two options open to you, you are required to select the most convenient of the two.

The options, together with their associated conditions are presented below:

Option 1:
Courier of your winning draft to you via any of this channel listed below:

FedEx (1 day delivery)
Mailing.............................................�50.00
Insurance...........................................�550.00
Vat (5%)............................................�022.75
TOTAL...............................................�622.75

UPS (2 days delivery)
Mailing &n bsp;.....................................�30.00
Insurance...........................................�550.00
Vat (5%)............................................�021.95
TOTAL...............................................�601.95

POST OFFICE MAIL (1 week delivery)
Mailing ;...........................................�20.00
Insurance...........................................�550.00
Vat (5%)............................................�019.00
TOTAL...............................................�589.00

The insurance company declined reverse payment for the courier, stating that it is against their professional policy towards ensuring the safe delivery of the draft to you. That if a reverse payment is made, and something goes wrong, that we/you cannot sue the courier company or insurance company to recover the full value of t he fund as stipulated in the draft since payment for insurance cover was not made at point of mailing.

With the above reason, reverse payment is ruled out.Forward the cost of mailing your draft with any of the courier channel cost you choose above to us.

Option 2:

The said amount claim �250,000 (Two hundred and fifty thousand pounds sterling) will be wired to your bank account via swift bank transfer.

Condition: The cost of COT (commission of transfer) being charged by our transferring bank, which is 0.8% (i.e �2,000) of the cash being transferred will be paid by you.

Note that your prize is protected by a hardcover insurance policy, which makes it impossible to deduct any amount from the money before it has been remitted to you. This means that the above charges cannot be deducted from the prize and hence must be provided by you before your prize is transferred to you.

Please respond to this email by making a selection from the two options above.

Also attach a scanned copy of either your driver's license, international passport (photo page) or any other legally identifying document.

Also be reminded that the deadline for the claiming of winnings is exactly two weeks after the receipt of this email. After this period, your cash prize will be deemed to have been forfeited by you and will be reused in the drawings of the next edition of the lottery.

Good luck and Congratulations once again. Please send your response within the next 24hrs to this same email address.

Mr. Eric Ward
Management
NetPost Courier Service Ltd
+447040113371
Open 7days-24hrs-365days a year.

Eric Ward:

OK, I will use UPS to receive my prize. Let me know anything I have to do. Here's my address again, in case you need it:

Maeby Funke
Balboa Towers
8105 River Road
Apartment 2419,
Newport Beach, California 91102
USA

Sincerely,

Maeby Funke

No word for four days, so I try another slap:

Eric Ward:

Why have I not heard from you? I want to get my prize, but you're not
helping! If you aren't too busy, do your job and tell me what I need
to do to receive my prize! Sometimes I don't even know why I bother
with your idiot demographic, but they tell me I have no choice.

Well, either you are for real and you will help me claim my prize, or
you are a fraudstar and will just try to get money out of me. I know
there are frauds out there, and I hope you are not one of them. Prove
yourself to me -- prove that someone in this world cares about keeping
their promises. Don't prove that you are a cheat and a liar, like
everyone else seems to be, including my family. Right now I trust
myself, my cousin George Michael, my uncle Michael, and you. I want
you to stay on that list. I want to have $500,000. I want there to
be some justice in this world. But if you are a fraudstar -- justice
means your destruction. So be honest with me, and help me claim my
prize, if indeed there is one!

Maeby Funke

Still no reply, three days later. Time to shut this one down with a big slap.
Eric Ward:

Since I have not heard from you, I conclude that you are a fraudstar
and a cheat. Therefore I will not be sending any money, to you or
UPS, because there is probably no prize to begin with!

Oh, sure, you'll probably claim that you aren't a scammer, but you
know the truth -- and so do I. If there is a hell, you will be
swallowed up into its depths. May your $6300 suit and your left hand
be the first things to go! Well, at least you'll have SAGASS WHITE to
keep you company -- if there even is such a person, and not just a
creation of your lying mind!

You will never see a dime of my money, because you aren't even a good
scammer. You haven't responded in a week. Do you even get any money
out of this? You probably don't, and whore yourself out to men for
sixpence to survive. Then what? You go to the internet cafe and stay
until they realize you haven't paid and are looking at goat porn?
(Ack. Just saying the words makes me sick. But I bet you are
drooling. Out your penis, if you know what I mean. And I know you
do, you cheat, you liar, you incomprehensible pervert! You probably
read the last few sentences as Sagass, but I'm repeating them because
they're true.)

Unlike you, and unlike the rest of my family, except Michael and
George Michael, I actually work. I make movies. And my next one will
feature ERIC WARD and SAGASS WHITE as fraudstars who just scammed the
wrong guy. And he will get his revenge. Just as I will get my
revenge: You scammers will be exposed to the world...no one will ever
send you a dime. So you'll either have to start working real jobs or
get sucking faster. And I think you'll pick the latter, because you
are subhuman retards who can't even scam right! You can't do any more
than any other stupid animal, which is FUCK, FUCK, and FUCK SOME MORE!

A curse on you: whatever you have scammed, let it be taken from you tenfold.

I don't know why I even bother to insult your idiot demographic. But
it gets my anger out. So FUCK YOU SCAMMERS! BURN IN HELL FRAUDSTARS!
CRY AS THE JUDGE SENTENCES YOU, CHEATS! GET ASSRAPED IN JAIL,
FOUR-ONE-NINE FAGGOTS! (Yes, I know your secret codes. I've done a
little research these last few days. And on second thought, you might
like that last one.)

You monkeys probably are screaming at your computer screen now, if you
haven't been dragged away yet. You are pigs wallowing in mud and your
own shit, and eating your mother's vomit.

OK, I've had enough of insulting you. I'm off to have a frozen
banana. And that means a tropical fruit frozen then coated in
chocolate, not a penis -- which is what you're probably off to have
now! (OK, I lied about being done insulting you. What's one lie
against your thousands?)

Maeby Funke

And that's my first bait. Remember not to call these losers or send them pr0n, gambling newsletters, voodoo pictures, etc.

Questions, comments, advice, anyone?

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