A good bank manager!

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Posted: Mon Feb 26, 2018 9:43 am

...this just gave me a laugh, maybe someone else will get one out of it too.

Standard WU boilerplate to start. Lad sends his 'ID':

...and eventually it petered out, mostly 'cos I forgot that I was setting this up for a chop by my character's 'personal carer', 'Lenny' Riztik.

Five months go by. Then yesterday, out of the blue, he's at it again...

Quote:

Hello my friend! I am waiting for your response to receive the needed payment and I can get the demand documents and your payment will be available in your name within some hours !

etc etc etc...

My character, the Colonel replies (his deliberately atrocious misspellings corrected throughout):

Quote:

I'm sorry, but since I haven't heard from you in months, I am now dealing with Mr Philip Cheishe from the Western Union office at Cotonou.

Back comes pretty much the same script as before. So the Colonel 'clarifies' things:

Quote:

No, you obviously don't understand. Since you didn't get back to me for months and months I am now dealing with a different Western Union employee, Mr Philip Cheishe. He told me that you had been sacked by the Western Union for misappropriation of funds and 'scamming' customers and that you were now in jail.

Have you been released on parole?

Our lad doesn't care to hear this at all!

Quote:

Hello!

I am not in jail and I have never be in jail so the that told you am sack and am in jail is fraud I didn't not work with anyone with that name start I was posited in this office!

Whose ever that told you all this must be a scammer and a criminal I don't know anyone by that name and I never associated with the person before so why should the person refer to me as a scammer!

etc, and then to wrap it up:

Quote:

Try and pay the fee required to enable you receive your fund from our office because everything he told you is all lie and fake!

The Colonel is confused, as usual:

Quote:

Well, this is all very confusing! Rev Dr Chieshe told me that you had been caught by the police and put in jail! He even sent me a picture of you! Here's what he told me - his language isn't always very clear, but if you concentrate you can make most of it out:

HAU FAR AGAIN, MAI DIA FREN COLONEL JOHN T HALL OOOOO!!!!! HAU BODI TODAY ?THANK U FO DI $5000 - THUNDER GO FAYA MI NANT DI VERY LAS TAIM I GO EFFA ASK U FO ANY MONI! NA I GET SOME GUUD NEWS FO U BOUT DAT SCAMMIN SAGBA WEY KOLS HIS SEF AUGUSTINE ADELEYE! E FINALLY FOR JAIL WIE E BELONGS, NA HELL STAY DERE DI LONG TAIM! E DI FOTO OF AM !HA, HA!

Col. John T. Häll, USA (retd.)

PS: What is a 'sagba', anyway? It that some sort of animal you have over there?

Well, our lad is less than pleased by these developments...

Quote:

This person is an illiterate what his writing is understandable and everything he is trying to proof is all lie this is my picture and what am holding is my id card am not in jail a good bank manager under western union I never know this man before!

Plus, of course, 'send the fee to this WU'. He sent the Colonel that same email five times, but I figgered he'd had enough excitement for one day, so right now the Colonel is sleeping the sleep of the just (and very deaf)...

And, well - that's where we're up to for now. Love his artwork...

Posted: Mon Feb 26, 2018 4:19 pm

Your photo shop is so much better than his! Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

I love the photo of the arrest! Classic.

Posted: Mon Feb 26, 2018 9:49 pm

^ Yeah, he seems pretty happy about it, doesn't he? Lads are weird...

Elite Baiter Joined: 17 Jun 2015 Posts: 1738

Lad v 'fake' lad always makes me chuckle. Laughing

Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2018 8:48 am

Well played, sir!

Not only a fun trophy (I wonder how that card is supposed to fit in his wallet - and how uncomfortable it would be to wear all day long), but you've convinced the Lad of your gullibility, which should keep him trying to 'win you back'.

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 10:17 pm

Thanks, all! Going for a video, but he's being stubborn and just resending that crummy 'ID' shot...so far...

The Colonel forwards this 'message' from the 'chopper':

Quote:

BI CAREFUL ,COLONEL HALL OOOOOO!!!!!!! DIS FAKE AGUSTINE ADELYE SAGBA DEY MAKIN MAGO-MAGO WIT U !NO BI FOOLED BY DI FOTO - E HAD DAT TAKEN *BIFOR* E GOT SACKED FOR DI WESTERN UNION !I BI DERE WEN E DRAIN DUCK COKE-AND-FANTA BOYFRIEND TOOK DI FOTO! GET AM FO SEND U DI VIDEO! DEN YOULL SI! E CANT DO DAT BICOS E FOR JAIL. E CAN EGUNJE DI GUARD NA SEND U DI FOTO, BUT E CANT SEND U DI VIDEO !OR MEBE E DO MORE THAN EGUNJE DI GUARD !U SABI WETIN I MEAN? AYAMA !

, and back comes:

Quote:

Well Col. John T. hall I told you that I have never been in jail before and whose ever that told you this must be an fraud and we must do something very to arrest him!

He lie to you because i never been in jail before the picture he sent you is not me and I don't know him before try and understand me I will send you my photo I'd card again!

Try and be advice to send the fee according to my instructions!

...and indeed he sends the same shot. That's OK...I'll keep working on him, we've got all the time in the world...

Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:23 am

Well, I got my video! After a fashion... Laughing

Lad:

Quote:

Well Col. John T. hall I told you that I have never been in jail before and whose ever that told you this must be an fraud and we must do something very to arrest him!

He lie to you because i never been in jail before the picture he sent you is not me and I don't know him before try and understand me I will send you my photo I'd card again!

Try and be advice to send the fee according to my instructions!

Colonel:

Quote:

'Lenny' doesn't understand what you're saying and neither do I! How can you not have been in jail before if there's a photograph of you in jail?

Altogether, we're starting to wonder whether Rev Dr Chieshe might have a point. Surely it's the easiest thing in the world for you take a short video of yourself NOT IN JAIL on your mobile telephone and send it to us over the Internets? 'Lenny' shows me videos of his grandchildren in Australia that way all the time! He's very proud of them!

...and it goes back and forth for a few days, with the Colonel trying to get the lad to hold up a baiting sign etc etc. The problem is that the lad's stolen the picture of a Nigerian politician, and so video is hard to do. But he's just had a 'brain'wave! And this is what he just sent me...

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6fkg38

...I just love this lad...

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Iam Aries wrote:

Your photo shop is so much better than his!

Average, it lacks a certain element.

Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:15 pm

^^^^^^^^^
I stand corrected! The Jurassic addition definitely lends a nice flair to it! LOL_sign

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:11 am

^^

The Colonel to the lad: 'After church I went for a nap and I had a terrible dream that you were not only in jail but being eaten alive by a terrible prehistoric monster! What could this mean?'

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:35 am

Quote:

What is a 'sagba', anyway? It that some sort of animal you have over there?

Maybe the 'prehistoric monster' was a Sagba. Wink

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:53 am

^Of course! Something must be done about this scourge! The lad will have to organise a Sagba hunt...

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 11:18 pm

Dumb question for smart IT types - this lad has just sent me what he claims is another video, but it's encrypted this time with a .pgp suffix after the .mp4. Is he bullshitting me with a junk file of his own? Or has he just screwed up, classic lad-style?

Of course the Colonel won't be able to open the file, but I wouldn't mind having a look just in case it's for real. Thoughts/assistance, anyone?

Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2018 12:41 am

^ never mind, he sent me another copy. It was actually upside-down on receipt, but the upload site insists on autocorrecting it part-way through. It's still a hoot!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6g19jv

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 7:34 am

More fun from our lad! After he sent the Colonel the second, upside-down video, I thought I'd see if I could work the 'sagba hunt' angle. So, the Colonel writes:

Quote:

I had a nap after going to church yesterday and I had a rather frightening dream. I dreamed that you were not only in jail but also being eaten alive by a terrible prehistoric monster. I had 'Lenny' try to help me to illustrate the scene, and I enclose a photograph here. This is almost exactly what I saw.

Tell me - is this creature what Dr Chieshe and you call a 'sagba'? My church has been looking for evidence of such creatures for some years now. Whe even sponsored an expedition to the Congo to attempt to find it, but it came up with nothing.

If it were possible to produce some evidence of a surviving sagba, my church would be willing to pay very generously for it! We mightn't even care if you were in jail or not any more.

Now you'd think that's as much of a bait as anylad could ever ask for. With it was sent Pastor Frank's corrected pic of 'Mr Agustine' in prison, ^^^^^^.

But the lad just ignores this, sending a second, unencrypted copy of the vid:

Quote:

Col. John T. Häll I have told you too many time that am not in jail I never be in prison before and there why I be jail why us this fraud deceiving you with fake photos this person is not me and I haven't see this man before!

This attach is my picture and the video you request I did send it to you yesterday but still you persist that am in prison if I may ask are you wishing me to be in jail ?

Well since you refuse to listen to me now go ahead and send your money to those fraud and see that they will not release any money to you but I want to promise you one thing this people will disappoint you and I know you will come back because this people there is no amount of money you will send them for them to release any payment to you because don't have any money in your they are cyber crime!

What I didn't realise was that the same lad was also sending me emails as 'Inspector Mohammed Ahmed Alhässan of Interpol':

Quote:

My dear did you contact the bank manager in bank of Africa for him to release your money to you as I instructed you ?? You need to contact them because your fund is there and also beware that we haven't got any information from those fraud you lose money on because you did not give me correct password for us to login the box and track those criminal down so you to resend me the password and make you online so that you can clear any verification on it and I will make I arrange my boys well to track all those frauds!

This slipped by me because the lad was originally trying to pass himself off as a WU manager (per original 'ID') rather than Bank of Africa. Actually the Colonel had given him the brush-off months ago when the promised 'ID' card wasn't attached to an email. The Colonel points this out, and back comes:

Quote:

You called me inspector general Mohammad Ahmed Ahässan fraud this is big insult

and this beauty:

It only becomes apparent what the 'Inspector's' story is after a couple of days, when he tries to send a new contact and this:

Quote:

Be advice to quite contacting Rev Dr Philip Chieshe because he is fraud try forward me everything he will send to you from now on so that we can arrest him because he is unwanted criminal they hacked all the identity card he sent to you!

Remember the police is your friend

Help us to track Rev Dr Philip Chieshe down he is fraud and a liar!

Sincerely
Inspector general Mohammad Ahmed

The Colonel tries again with the 'bank manager':

Quote:

My dear sir, you DON'T SEEM VERY INTELLIGENT FOR A BANK MANAGER!! Neither do you LISTEN WELL TO SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS!! IN the case of the video, you were instructed to do a very simple thing: to hold up a sign in front of yourself which said, clearly and in large letters, BAITED BY DARK SHADOWS. This refers to two Biblical verses preached upon by our Reverend Gregory Trask at his most recent sermon; Psalm 144:4 and James 1:14. They refer to humans being BAITED by the material things of life and how this avidity cast a DARK SHADOWS over the days of man.

, and bangs the 'sagba hunt' drum again:

Quote:

The fact remains that my church is EXTREMELY KEEN to obtain some evidence of the existence of these 'sagba' monsters and will pay VERY HANDSOMELY INDEED for any specimens or proof you may be able to obtain! I am sure the Rev. Trask would authorize a six-figure sum for a live sagba, and little less for the remains of one in good condition. We have sponsored expeditions to Africa for 'sagba' remains before - in other places the animal is called the 'mokele mbembe' - but so far with no success at all. If you know where to find one we will reward you very, very well indeed! Such an animal would be definite proof that the communist Darwin was LYING ALL ALONG!! It would be a triumph for our church and Christianity everywhere!

. but our lad isn't hunting any sagbas today:

Quote:

Am sick and tired of telling you that that man is fraud and I can't make an video again . . . so If you trust them go ahead and deal with them but when they disappoint let me know and I will still help you and release your fund to you as my following Christian! I want to ask you something after you send them the fee did they release any money to you ? And for more information stop sending our conversation to those fraud because they are also hackers!

Well, if you insist that Dr Chieshe is a hacker, lad, I guess he'd better do some hacking! First the 'chopper' sends this message to the lad from another account:

Quote:

STAY AWAY FOR AWA MUGU JOHN T HÄLL

U NAU, U DONE GUCK, SMALLBOI OOO!!!!!! U DONE ENTER GBEGE - MAI OGA DEY REALLY MAD WIT U NAU, YAKUBU, AND U GO SMELL PEPPER !JOHN T HALL DEY AWAS NA E GONNA STAY AWAS! WEVE CHOPPED AM FO THOUSANDS ALREADY, NA WERE ONLY STARTIN! U STAY OUT OF AWA WAY ,SAGBA EFREBO, OR AWA BOIS GO KOM FIND U NA FEED U UR BLOKOS FO START WIT, U GET ANY BLOKO. UNA LAIK DAT, MUGUN ?

And then 'he' makes up some photos, to send to the Colonel. The Colonel passes these straight onto the lad:

Quote:

This is not what Rev Dr Chieshe says to me! He has just sent me a couple of the most disgusting photographs I have ever seen in my life! I am deeply shocked and distressed! He says that you and this 'Inspector' from Interpol are actually scamming criminals, and not content with that you're actually practicing homosexualists! LOOK at these photographs! There's one of the two of you in jail together, where you undoubtedly belong, and there's another of you two at a shameful so-called 'Gay Pride' march! And I can't even BEAR to send you the THIRD one, which is actually of the two of you HAVING SINFUL SEX TOGETHER! I am only thankful that my dear wife Nell passed on a few years ago and didn't have to set eyes on such appalling sights! It would have shocked her beyond conception. I myself am so shocked and appalled that I hardly know what to say or to do. Of course these things used to happen from time to time in the army, but to be PROUD OF IT!!!! May God forgive you!

As an 'afterthought', the Colonel adds Dr Chieshe's taunt:

Quote:

U NAU, U SI, COLONEL HÄLL? SI THESE PICTURES? I TOLD U DAT AGUSTINE ADËLYE NA DIS SO-CALLED MOHAMMED ALHÄSSAN WERE SCAMMERS NA SAGBAS OOOO!!!!! DI SO-CALLED INSPECTOR DEY E BOYFRIED! DI SAGBA DOESNT MEAN WETIN U TINK IT MEANS! IT MEANS DI MAN WEY DON SEX WIT ORDER MEN, NO WOMEN LAIK GOD ORDAINED! I TRIED FO SPARE UR FEELINGS, SIR, BUT NAU UNA GET FO SABI DI TRUTH! LOOK AT DEM !IT DISGUSTIN!

Our lad tries to recover:

Quote:

Col. John T Häll I want you to look at those people in there and see that am not among them take a good look at my picture I attach you below and you will see that am not there and no body there resemble me at all so why will I bear the course of those people there why am not there ? Rev Dr Chiesise must be a stupid scammer

And this is what he sends!

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:31 am

Uh, isn't that the same guy on the left in the bottom picture? Laughing

I love it! Those photo shop skills are second to none!

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 9:30 am

^ that is, indeed, the same guy on the left. What the lad is trying to claim is that the absolutely identical bloke in the picture he sent is not the same Photoshopped head as it clearly is!

Even the Colonel hasn't been taken in by this, and he's fuming! But there's more...we'll just see what the morning's mail brings in...10:30 AM in Lagos, they should be stirring fairly soon...

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 16 Apr 2017 Posts: 81

Can anyone tell me the meaning of OOOOO etc in messages?

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:28 pm

It's just something that lads say between themselves on the Net. Sprinkle it lightly here and there for effect.

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 16 Apr 2017 Posts: 81

Thanks for that !

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2018 11:08 pm

Anyone getting this far might recall that our 'chopper', the 'Rev Dr Philip Chieshe', just taunted the lad.

Lad writes back:

Quote:

You are stupid fraud and if you don't stay away from John you will regret your life idiot!

Chopper:

Quote:

MISTER MAN, SAGBA MUGUN PASS GARRI - I DEY SO STUPID SAY WETIN GET I GOT $7500 FOR DI COLONEL NA YOUVE GOT NOTHIN, SHAKO ?SHOO, UNA DUMB DUMB DUMB SMALLBOI SLACKI OOOO!!!!!!!!!!! SONTHIN DE DO YOU, SUFFER MAN! I GOT ALL DI MONI NA DI COLONEL SABI YOURE DI SCAMMIN SAGBA NAU! SO GO MOVE UR YARNSH, BICOS DAT DI ONLY WAY YOULL EFFA GET MONI! MEBE UR DRAIN DUCK BOYFRIED GO GIF U 25 KOBO FO FORK U WEN E THROUGH WIT DIGGIN SHIT OUT OF DI DRAINS FOR ISOLO ROAD! HA, HA !

(Important note for baiters attempting Ladspeak – the 25-kobo coin was withdrawn in 2007! Thought he'd pick me up on that, but I guess he wasn't paying attention...the 50-kobo coin is the smallest unit now in circulation, being half a naira. It would take about 1500 such coins to buy a loaf of bread in Lagos.)

Lad:

Quote:

You are a big fool don't how much this man has pay me ? Idiot

Chopper:

Quote:

HA, HA OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!DAT DI LAUGH! DI COLONEL HASNT DROPPED U WON KOBO !OJE MARINA! TALK ANODA TING, TIE NECK! MAI OGA LAFF NA LAFF WEN E READ DIS! SHOW US DI PAYMET SLIP, IT TRUE, SMALLBOI! OR DID U GIF IT FO UR ONIOBURU BOYFRIEND, SAGBA ?MAI OGA LAFF NA LAFF, BUT DAT NO GONNA STOP AM FOR FEEDIN U UR URGLY FACE, DUNDI!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, our lad is still trying to convince an irascible Colonel that it isn't him in the photos.

Colonel:

Quote:

DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A BLASTED FOOL, SIR? HOW _DARE_ YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THIS! THE PHOTOGRAPH YOU SENT OF YOURSELF IS THE VERY SAME MAN AS IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS THAT DR CHIESHE SENT ME!!! THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY IDENTICAL! YOU EVEN HAVE THE SAME GLASSES ON! EVEN LENNY CAN SEE THAT! HE DID THESE SIDE-BY-SIDE PICTURES FOR ME!!! HOW /DARE/ YOU, SIR? THIS IS LOW BEHAVIOR EVEN FOR A SHAMELESS AND DETECTED HOMOSEXUALIST LIKE YOURSELF! AS FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND THE INSPECTOR, HE DISGRACES HIS UNIFORM! PRISON IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM!

(photographs omitted for brevity)

Lad:

Quote:

Col. John T Häll I am not in prison and I never be in prison before Mr Chieshe who call him self a Rev. And Dr once but his an illiterate is fraud star and hacker you should look at the picture below that he sent to you and see that my face is black but my body is white I want you to know that Rev Dr Chieshe hack my picture and work this out to convince you and you will send him money! Col. John T Häll think of this how can I at my age have this kind of body while my face is very old and my flesh look too young that is not me he take my face only in a picture and work this out I did not lie to you just look at this very picture from the head of the person there and see that the the head of person was fixed to another person OK! I want you to know that all the picture he sent there all fake and they all worked out with hacker machine stop dealing with this people because they will make you lose many thing in life they are evil God hate them!

The lad sends this five times.

'Black face on white body'? Hey, no problem...

Colonel:

Quote:

I don't know what you're blabbering about! Heads, tails, whatever! Here's another photograph Rev Dr Chieshe sent me! It shows the two of you together at home in your leather gear, 'relaxing' I suppose you call it. I will not send the photograph of the two of you actually having homosexualist relations! That is downright obscene! I can understand your being ashamed of being a homosexualist, of course, but why lie about your identity if that's the case? JUST STOP DOING IT!!!!!

And the Colonel sends the same photo to the account of the 'inspector' for good measure:

Quote:

I am deeply shocked and disappointed in you, sir! The least you could do is take your hat off!

Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 1:45 am

I love that the hat is in the prison photo, as well. The Colonel is kinda blind, I take it. Cool

Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:42 am

...blind, deaf and DUMB... Wink

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

"....and see that the head of the person was fixed to another person OK!" - hahahahahahaha