Wishes for a Prosper-ous New Year, from the TWAT

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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:04 pm

Anyone remember this guy?

<still looking for a free image hoster for our pics...>

Last we heard from Brother Prosper, https://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=277434 he was stredded in Timbuktu and awaiting pickup at the Sahara passion parce of flam. Unfortunately, Phystme had to go back to Cairo to deal with some church issues, Ben was wandering the desert on some pilgrimage, and Anita and Omar were on a date so Brother Omar rather rudely gave up on us and went back home to Nigeria.

So how did we get from that ignominious end to the doofus with the Wile E Coyote sign up there?

If you’re going to tell a fairy tale, you start off with “Once upon a time…”, and if you’re going to tell a space opera, you start off with “A long time ago in galaxy far, far away…” However, when you’re a Texan, you start off with “Sit yer ass down, you ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

So … sit y’alls ass down, you ain’t gonna believe this shit…

When Prosper got back home, he emailed us with a tale of woe. He had been deported from Timbuktu and sent back to Bamako. Then, not only did he need to sell his iPhone to get back home but he followed up with some even worse news:

Quote:

Ben . you people have put me in to a big problem the bank that learned me the money that I used to come to Mail is now on my deck they give me from now till 16 of October if I did not bring back the money they will teak me to court .

Father when will this money get to me? I did not want to end my life in jail . The police send me back to my Cotonou Benin where I come from ,

Please can you send me at list $1500 in the morning let me pay the bank there money please do this for me .

I will wait to here from you ,if you can send the money to me though money gram ,on my name

<REDACTED>

please do this for me father thanks

Ben, ever helpful, replies back:

Quote:

Sorry, son. We have arrived back to America. We are all back. I'm sorry I haven't been around. Omar came back with us. He and Anita are in one of the royal TWAT palaces on our compound. Those two have really hit it off and the house is beautiful.

We just got Omar his second payment he completed everything back in Mali. He built a pyramid. So good, we waived some other requirements.

He did get your gifts though. But we will replace them for you. We've got a nice Casio watch here.

But we have a new money package for you. Still the same salary and everything. Don't worry. You still get your sign on bonus of $200k. We just need to figure out how to get it to you.

I'm talking with accounting today to see about getting you money. On how we can do it?

Why did you leave Timbuktu? Are you in Nigeria?

Did you have fun on your trip to Mali? We had s blast. Except my heel blister still hurts.

Omar kept complaining, so Ben needed to straighten him up a bit:

Quote:

My son,

My apologies for not being around yesterday. We were at the Bentley dealership with Omar getting him his TWATmobile. A car like that really will attract some TWAT.

This email upsets me. You're acting like we haven't flown our church members around the world TWICE. The first time it happened you didn't even bother trying to show up.

The second time, we show up when you say you'll be there and you're not there. Then, we make every effort to get someone to You and you get annoyed with Abdul for picking up Omar. Well, maybe if you had been wearing your holy robes none of this would have happened

Look, we had a bad string of luck. We've spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to get you the money you so rightly deserve.

But I need you to be a little more understanding. Phystme wants to know why this id all taking so long. He doesn't understand why you just up and left Timbuktu. None of us do. It's sad.

But I still don't know why you are in Benin and not Nigeria? Are you not home yet?

We are working on seeing about getting money to you. However, there is a lot going on planning the next FIRE conference. Please be patient. I really need you to understand that this is expensive for our church.

Now explain this to me... why are you going to court? Did you get a loan from the bank to get there?

Quote:

Benjamin

I was wearing my holy robe ,Abdul is such a big fool how will him come to the car pick and pick any one with out asking ,

Father i am not a kid, I have don this about two times , you people told me to sell my phone and come to Timbuktu which i did , first mike give wrong hotel address when i want to the hotel i did not see any one when i ask you to tell me the name of the new hotel you did not tell, and i told you to come to police station to come to bill me out you did not come ,

All that phystme told me is that you people have a lot of people after you that is the reason why him can not tell me the new hotel name.

(When Prosper lists out all of the prombers we had in such a short period of time, it really does sound ludicrous, doesn't it?)

I was at the car park two weeks and i was at the police stations for one week non of you people come to check on me ,That is the reason why police send me back to Benin,

Why i am going to court is because i get a loan from the bank which you told me to do and the last date is 16 of this month for me to pay it back ,

All i want now is to pay the bank back there money, pls father help me with the money ,please you can send the money from your own account ,

will you do this for me ???? I will wait to hear from you !!! ,You can give me a call on my phone number <REDACTED> or you can give me your number let me call you ,

Well, October 16 came and went and (surprise, surprise!) Prosper didn’t end up in jail:

Quote:

William

Thanks and may God bless you ,i just come back form court right now ,the bank that loan me money that i used to come to Mali ,they give me 16 of this month to pay the money back ,I did not need much reimbursement all i need is only $5000 to pay the bank there money back and get a new phone and laptop ,

The bank give me from now to 24 of this month to pay the money back or i will go to jail ,

I will wait to hear from you when i will get the money

Well, this is starting to get boring, isn’t it? Poor Prosper presented all that potential (aren’t alliterations great?) and now he’s just some café beggarboi asking for a WU payment.

Right now, the power in the bait has shifted and Prosper is in control. He had a lousy trip, he’s safe back home, and he’s made it very clear that he’s not going to give us any more content until he gets the money for his time and suffering and expenses that he thinks he deserves.

What to do, what to do, what to do...

Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:12 pm

Okay.

So Prosper has been asking for a phone call and we needed to do something to shift the power back to our side. It’s high time we give Prosper a call and let him hear the caring and concerned tones of Ben on the phone. Not only does this reinforce Prosper’s belief in the validity of the church but it also gives him the impression that he is calling the shots and we are making the call because he requested it.

I’m not going to publish the phone call because (i) it’s pretty damn long and (ii) Prosper’s accent is so bad he’s almost unintelligible. Even when I was on the phone with him, I understood maybe one word in five (and the majority of the words I did understand were “money”, “payment” and “when”) so I needed to be careful that everything I said was very non-committal and I didn’t agree to anything.

When Prosper first got on the phone, he was very angry and needed to vent. If I had known what he was saying to me, I probably would have been insulted but, again, one word in five. Throughout the conversation, I simply reminded him of the problems that we had and found a way to spin them so they were his fault. Baiting 101, really.

In addition to letting Prosper vent and making sure that he was still interested in the church (spoiler: he was), we needed to up the ante and let him know that his recent travails had elevated him in our eyes. We did this by telling Prosper that his dedication and his struggle to meet us had been noticed at the highest levels and, as a result, we had placed him in a position of honour in our church – the front window.

Prosper seemed a bit unfamiliar with the concept, so I needed to explain to him that many stores in America have large front windows and, as a way of attracting customers to the store, they put their best merchandise in the front window. Which makes a lot of sense, psychologically. What’s going to attract more people to a Best Buy – a big-screen TV or an oven range? Hell, even if you’re going to the car dealership to buy a sensible mid-sized four-door, who doesn’t like to drive by and see the shiny new Corvette in the window?

Anyway, Prosper was most impressed with the attention and visibility he was gaining by being in the church’s front window (like, who wouldn't be?) and was even happier when he learned that a promotion of this sort comes with even more money and goodies. Naturally, all Prosper needed to do was complete one or two simple rituals in the church but that’s all easily enough done, right?

The only problem being, such a ritual didn’t exist (yet) so we needed to create one. Since this could very well be the last thing we’d get from Prosper, we decided to shoot for the moon. The ritual we came up with was great – it involved nudity, fire, the eating of nasty items, and (since it was a baptism) full submersion under water. Now, we just needed to get Prosper to the point where he *wanted* to make the video.

The best dynamic we had was the good cop/bad cop between Ben and Phystme. When properly played, this would place Prosper in a state of precarious balance between our two characters, where Prosper felt comfortable enough to go running to Ben when Phystme was being stern or unreasonable, yet never allowed Prosper to get so comfortable that Ben would break rules for him, nor would he disobey Phystme.

Quote:

William, I respect the fact that you people have worked hard to make thins look good and be entertained.
Me and Ben have a long convection today on phone , and he mention that i have to come up with another option on how to get full initiation ,which i can not do any other thin if you people do not send me money to pay the bank,

for so days now i have not hear from mike about the money ,and there is no more time

I have to admit, I was a bit worried when Prosper told us that he knew we were being entertained. While it’s certainly not untrue, it did show some dangerous signs of reality making its nasty little way into Prosper’s world.

Quote:

I did in deed speak with Ben (well, <DOVER> to you) and he told Me in great detail about the long convection today on phone that the two of you had.

While I was hoping you and Ben would have been able to come up with some other way for you to be Initiated into Our Church that would not cost you any thing, if (as you say) there is no more time then I guess there is nothing We can do.

Best of luck, My friend.

Quote:

Hello father Good morning and how was your night ?

Father i will like to know what is it will i need to do to compelet my initiation in to the church

I will wait to hear from you

Thanks

Reality? Making its way into Prosper’s world? Naaaah…

Quote:

Brother Prosper,

I would like to ask that you remain patient for just a short time longer.

While I appreciate your interest in completing your Initiation in to Our Church, you have presented Us with a situation which We have never before seen. Never in Our History have we had an Initiate fail to attend not one, but two, of Our Meetings and then require Us to come up with a Remote Initiation Procedure. (Remote Initation Procedure. RIP. Get it?)

Since this is something that We have never done before, it has taken Us more time than we anticipated. (Translation: TLH and Jojo haven’t come up with enough bizarre shit to put in the video yet.) But please, My friend, be assured that We have not forgotten of you.

Then, a day later:

Quote:

As I promised you, Ben (well, <DOVER> to you) and I spoke with the Ordainment Committee and explained to them the very special nature of your circumstances. Since We have never before allowed an Initiate to perform his Initiation outside of Our direct supervision at Our FIRE event, the Ordainment Committee needed to provide Us with a document detailing this, Our most secret of rituals.

They even began to argue with Me -- with Me! -- about it, un till Ben stepped in and vouched for your honesty and trustworthiness and explained to them that you were aware of what an honour you were receiving and how you would keep confidential this, Our most secret of rituals.

At its core, this is a rather simple exercise, since it requires you to gather nothing that you do not all ready have and can be completed in minutes. How ever, do not be fooled by its simplicity, since it represents the culmination -- or, dare I say, the climax -- of your efforts in reaching the TWAT.

All you needs must do, My friend, is tell Me that you are ready and I shall send to you the documentation for Our Remote Initiation Procedures.

Quote:

Good morning William .

Thank you so much for this ,and in my own situation i will like to meet you people to complete my imitation, The money is not what i need i will like to understand the church first ,

All that i am asking is if you people can send one of your pastor or an gent to come and pick me and bring me to you people, so that we can meet,

For the documentation for Our Remote Initiation Procedures, you can send it let me teak a look on it ,but as for now i did not have any phone which i can use to video or to teak a picture,

I will be waiting to received the documentation for Our Remote Initiation Procedures.

Thanks

He wants one of our pastors or an gents to come and pick him? We aren’t sending any of our an gents to Nigeria to pick him, that’s for sure…

Quote:

Brother Prosper,

You do under stand, I hope, that We have sent Our People not once -- but twice -- to your situation for the coordination of your completion of the imitation (TLH busts a rhyme. Watch out, Chuck D.) and not once -- but twice -- you failed to meet Us, due to complication. At this point, Our Appropriations Committee will not permit Us to travel to you until We have proof of your dedication to Our Church.

Ben (well, <DOVER> to you) has told Me time and time again of how much Our Church means to you and this is exactly what We told the Ordainment Committee when We had them come up with a way for you to join Our Church that has never before been done. I have attached to this email the documentation for Our Remote Initiation Procedures and, as I promised you, it is quite simple to complete. All you needs must do is print out the procedures, and per form the ritual whilst recording it on video so the Ordainment Committee may review it and approve your entry to Our Church.

Best wishes to you, My friend!

More to come soon…

Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:23 pm

TheLoneHaranguer wrote:

I've had good luck and no issues here.

Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:17 pm

^

Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 1:07 am

^^^Damn. For a second I thought you had figured it out and found one. Guess not.

Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 1:33 am

^Great Work Grasshopper!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9selPW2lL-M

Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 3:35 am

Removed unnecessary quote of previous post - bware419ers

Actually, I think it was more like this...

https://youtu.be/8wbJCXhNdyA

Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:29 pm

Just when you think that Bware can't get anymore Bware.

Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:36 pm

Ben follows up with Prosper to remind him of how important he is to us, and how being in our front window accords him certain privileges that would never be given to the rank’n’file of the church…

Quote:

So we had a meeting. We came up for a way for you to join the church. It was a lot of fighting and we are doing something that we have never in the history of the church done. We are doing it for you. That's how important you are to us.

Has Phystme contacted you?

Quote:

Good morning father

Thank you so much ,I will like to make you to understand that the money that you people are going to give me is not what i want ,All i wanted is to meet you people face to face , how i wish that you people can send someone to come and pick me and bring me to you people so that will can talk .

Yes i have Phystme have contacted me he told me that he will send me some documentation for Our Remote Initiation Procedures. but he have not send it

Ben keeps reminding Prosper of how special he is, while also reinforcing the prombers we face in making payments to non-ministers:

Quote:

I'm copying Phystme on this email so he will know to send it to you.

I just want you to know what a big deal it is that you have been given this chance. We have never bent the rules for an initiate before. Only you.

William will send the forms if he hasn't already.

This is so exciting. Once you are in the church and officially a member, everything moves so much easier. It's difficult because of tax laws to just send money to non employees. They are always worried about groups funding terrorists. I know you understand.

After we sent Prosper the ritual, he got back to Phystme with the deceptively titled email “Happy Weekend”:

Quote:

In my life i did not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”

I have don this before which Rev Richard sent to me and i completed it and i sent it to you people the fire meeting

Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.” , I can not do this aging

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God.”is there any other thin because as for this i have do it before, i will not do it aging

*sigh* So we’re back to cheesy Facebook quotes again. And, of course, Prosper needs to put up a fuss about completing a ritual requested by the church. Quelle surprise, n’est ce pas?

Looks like Phystme needs to get stern. Again.

Quote:

Prosper:

Honestly, I just don't know how you are able to come up with some of the things you try to get Us to believe...

How on earth could you have don this before and sent it to Us people the fire meeting when this is the first time We have ever released the secrets of this, Our most secret of rituals, to any one out side of Our Church? It could be that you are cornfusing this with Our ritual for the Sanctification of the Monument of Faith but -- please, tell me -- how could that earlier ritual require the use of a Holy Onion when, at that time, you had not even been required to obtain a Holy Onion?

How ever, please under stand that no one is going to make you perform any thing that you do not wish to do. If you can not do this aging, so be it.

Ben -- can you please contact Brother Cheatham in the Appropriations Committee and ask him to return the funds marked with Prosper's name to the General Accounts? And can you also speak with that Pastor Omar fellow you seem to have taken such a liking to? Not so long ago, he told Me one of his friends, a Muna Obiekwe, was very interest in becoming a Minister with Us.

Well, it looks like the threat of a rival reverend (Muna Obiekwe is a recently deceased Nigerian actor) motivated our boi. Well, sort of. Prosper tried to get out of performing the new ritual by sending us a copy of the pyramid sanctification video he made way back when in the summer. Like that’s going to fool us…

Quote:

Rev Richard sent this to me before the fire meeting ,I did and i sent it to you people here is the link of the videos which i send to Rev Richard and <DEWEY> , This the only one i can see

William if you think that i am in to your church because of money you can keep your money

Ben steps in to pour soothing oil on some very troubled waters:

Quote:

My son...

I think you know that I do want to help you, so why is it that you make things so darn difficult when I try to help you?

For example: Do you not realize that you are arguing with the founder of TWAT about the rituals of his church? While I think you are one of the biggest and best TWATs that I have seen in some time, my son, please do not make an effort to find yourself afoul of Phystme. He is not just a TWAT; he may be, for all intents and purposes, the TWAT.

Please ... for me ... watch the video that you sent Phystme and then go back and read the document he sent you. Of course the ritual for the Monument of Faith and the video for your baptism into our faith are going to be similar -- how could they not be? And, yes, they both require you to wear your holy vestments but the point of the first is to prepare your monument of faith for purification and the point of the second is to prepare you for purification.

I am sure you were just confused, and that is fine; even the best of us can make a mistake from time to time. Just ... I think it would go a long way towards mending bridges if you explained to Phystme why you misunderstood.

Prosper then emails Phystme and, right on cue, steps back in line:

Quote:

Father i am so sorry for the argument ,and i am sorry for not show you people gratitude how i think that this is in my power i could have don that but right now i have a lot of problem no money no house i sleep undo the bridge all night and know Phone which i can use to video,

I will like to tell you what is in my mind ,to be honest with you the money that you people are going to give me is not my problem my problem is to meet you face to face i need to understand what i am punting myself in to before accept the money , (Well, it’s a little late for that, isn’t it, Chuckles?)

what i did last time was horribly inappropriate ,disrespectful, This is an especially terrible thing for me to have argue with you father , After you have accepted me into your family.you have not only shown your incredible ,beautiful love to me but you have also shown me support and kindness that never could have possibly expected ,to hurt you in this way is this same my money problem ,I am sorry Father .

SORRY
Prosper

I don’t know why, but I really don’t believe Prosper wrote this entire email. The first part could have come from him, but the “horribly inappropriate ,disrespectful, … especially terrible … incredible ,beautiful” part does not sound anything like him. It still sounds too awkward to have come from Facebook so I’m guessing he had one of his scammer buddies write it for him.

And isn’t the line about Prosper sleeping under the bridge a classic? Even though we didn’t think it was possible to sink much lower than “internet scammer”, he’s actually devolved down to “troll” (and not the internet kind).

Quote:

I want you to know that I appreciate your apology, and I am glad you realized that you should have shown Us gratitude for all that We have offered to you.

Just a short while ago, I spoke with Ben (well, <DOVER> to you) and he told Me that you had agreed to complete Our Baptism Ritual. I so wish you could have seen him; he was so excited that you were going to finally teak the final step and officially become a Minister in Our Church.

I am not sure how much Ben has told you (and I hope I am not speaking out of place here) but Ben and his wife never had children of their own. While Ben has more than dedicated his life to Our Church, I think there has always been something (a hole, if you will) that is missing from his life. In you, I think he sees the son he never had (but always wanted), and it is my sincerest wish that you will plug Ben's hole. (Yes, it's yet another ode to Arrested Development (that's the show, not the hip-hop band).)

We are looking forward to the distribution of your funds, so please let Me and Ben know when you expect to complete this Ritual, so We may make all necessary plans.

So I know y’all are all dying to know -- for how long did Prosper’s improved attitude last? Not long...

Quote:

Phystme, Good morning .

I have a question, after this is there any other thin that i will do ? ,like Traveling to come and meet you people and let me know after this if there is any other thin, (It's kind of scary when Prosper shows glimpses of awareness that he’s being baited, isn't it?)

About the Ritual i will not do the number 10 because there is no rive around me i can use a Becket of water and replace it ,

(ocean, a lake, a river, or a creek. Pleasebe sure that the water is deep enough for you to totally submerge yourself. (Forpurposes of clarity, this guide shall refer to any body of water as the “river”.)

10.) The Minister then jumps into the river while holding his Staff of Righteousness and, as the cooling waters extinguish the flames of the Staff, so shall he be baptized into the TWAT.)

I did not know when i will complete the baptism ritual ,

Even for an interest scammer, this guy is just so damn unlikeable. His sense of entitlement is so great, he honestly thinks that he can write to someone giving him money and flat-out tell them that he will not do something. *sigh*

Looks like Phystme needs to get stern. Again.

Quote:

Prosper:

I still have no idea how it is you are able to come up with some of the things you try to get Us to believe...

Are you really trying to tell Me that there is no body of water (such as an ocean, a lake, or a river) near you? I am looking at a map on the wall of My office and Nigerian is right on the Atlantic Ocean. And I am fairly sure that, should I look closer at the map, I would find some other bodies of water that are quite near Lagos. So ... I simply do not under stand your purpose in claiming that a Becket of water is a suitable replacement for a natural body of water.

Now ... I think I should tell you that the end of Our Fiscal Year is fast approaching, and one of the governmental regulations with which We must deal with is that all funds that We have allocated needs must be spent before then. If you are unable to complete Our Baptism Ritual before the end of Our Fiscal Year, all such unspent funds shall be returned to the general pool and, at that point, We simply can not make any promises.

Quote:

William, Why is it when even i say some thin you people will think that i am lying ?, Why should i lie because of water or ocean, lake, or river, i say no one is around where i live, (Emphases in original. Isn’t it hilarious how lads get their noses so out of joint when it is implied they are being … less than truthful?)

William, if you think that I am join your church because of the money that you are to give me , you are mistaking me ,
To be honest with you i have made of my mind that i am not going to do this before , I am doing this because of Dover, ,

And if you people will not accept it when i replace it with a Becket of water ,That means that this will not work out for me,

Is the Becket of water accepted or not? ,please let me know so that i will know what to do ,

I will be waiting to hear from you

Let's take note of something here. Through many of his emails, Prosper has been stressing two things: (i) he is not interested in the money; and (ii) he is having phone prombers. We all know (i) is not the case (spoiler: those protests may come back to haunt him later) but he does seem to be harping pretty consistently on (ii). Hmmm...

More to come.

Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:12 pm

I should totally post one stuff from this TWAT. But, I don't have much time. And TLH has done such good work.

I'll post a few highlights... just stuff that makes me laugh.

[quoteThanks father , I am happy today because of the new US Presidential i believed that DONALD TRUMP will make us great change to U S government .

Phystme sent me the email .I hope you are happy today[/quote]

Here is Prosper complaining about not being able to find water in Nigeria to get baptized.

Quote:

Ben I have told you money did not move me , I want to know after this what is the next thin ? and how will you people get this money to me ?

To complete the Baptism ritula it may teak me so may days or week or month because i did not know when i will work and get money to bey phone that i will use and video

If i am to do , i will not do the number 10.) The Minister then jumps into the river while holding his Staff of Righteousness and, as the cooling waters extinguish the flames of the Staff, so shall he be baptized into the TWAT.)

Because there is no river around me i can use a Becket of water , I did not know when i will do it i did not have money as for now

Dover replies:

Quote:

My night was very good. It was relaxing. I had some steak and lobster that was just exquisite. Thank you for asking.

I believe you that money does not move you. I have never been under the impression that you were in this for the money. I believe you are a good boy. It's why I treat you like my own son.

The next thing will be to get he money to you. It will be sent directly to Africa. The process will be so easy once you are a member.

I shouldn't tell you this, but once the initiation is done, we will sponsor your visa to come live in America if you like. Omar is going through that process now. He and Anita are very happy together. I really thought you two were going to hit it off. But she seems to have taken a liking to Omar. Oh well, we will find you another girl. Are you a virgin, my son? Would you like to live in New York City when you come to America? We have a lovely apartment there that you could live in. It's right near Times Square. Where would you like to be when you work here? We have locations all over. Please don't mention that I told you this information. Phystme does not like to let initiates know

I suggest you do whatever you can to borrow a phone or camera. Do you have friends? Like, ones who would be okay with simply letting you borrow a phone? The quicker you get this done, the quicker it goes.

Let me ask... what kind of work do you do? How do you make money now?

Why will you not do this step #10? I do not understand. There are many places for water in Lagos. You're on the ocean. It doesn't have to be a river. But a body of water you can completely submerge yourself in. I looked on a map. Snake Island seems lovely. Lagos Lagoon. Or just the ocean. Be sure you are fully submerged in the water. This is important

He doesn't like the idea of Snake Island.

Quote:

Ben life have be so hard form me since i come back from Mali no work and nothing doing some times i look like a med man in the street,
To be honest with you i did not know when i will do this because thins is not working good for me ,you people have choosing to pushing me .but i have one world for you (winners are not those who never fall but those who never quit )

Yes me and Anita had a lot yes will promise were-self to hit it up at the end ,But Anita left me because of omar, LOL i am not a virgin of cause i have a girly friend and girls like me so much i am the one running for girls , woman is not my problem as for now

I am not going to do the number 10 because i did not leave around water side and i can not go there ,I have told William if the Becket of water will not be accept no another option than not to do it at all, no one will allowed to borrow his phone or camera

I am not happy with all this what type of life , for three days now i have not eating,, I think i am using it on this church issues, or is it until when i will kill my self or end up in jail you people will know that i am a member, any time that i have money to bey phone i will do it , i did not know when i will do it. it may take me one year or one month or one week i did not know, and please stop emailing me and let me stop wasting my money to email you back

Thanks
Prosper

It goes on like this. He whines about using a Becket instead of a river. I have no issue with this, so that is what we allowed.

Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 1:01 am

Rev. Robert has contacted brother Prosper. If I can refresh your memory, Rev. Robert was the initial contact for brother Prosper, but was fired for sending money to him before he was a church member.

Rev. Robert

Quote:

Can I talk with you?

Prosper

Quote:

Yes we can talk

Rev. Robert

Quote:

Is it true that you have been made a TWAT minister?

This is the beginning of the anti-twat. Reverend Robert is upset with being fired by the twat and is seeking a mole on the inside.

Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:00 am

Ser Davos wrote:

Reverend Robert is upset with being fired by the twat and is seeking a mole on the inside.

"mole"... heh.

Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 8:06 pm

Prosper gets back to Ben after being guilt-tripped by Phystme, and belts out a classic email:

Quote:

Ben

Thank you so much and may God bless you ,I am a man of my world and one thin i did not like in life is for some one to call me a lie ,i can not lie to you ,i sell my phone at Bamako to come Timbuktu, Right now i am using NOKA TOUCH ,

Father i am sorry if i have not show you any gratitude, i have come a long way on this , staring from Rev Richard to sister Roxie ,
The first one was Application form second was monument of faith which cost me a lot of money and New ministerial ordainment which Dr Dewey Cheatham sent to me and the other one was the Modified Ritual which i did and send you people the video, and the fire meeting and to you and the mark , (When Prosper lists out in one place everything we’ve had him do, it really does sound completely ludicrous, doesn’t it?)

Is it until i kill myself that you people will know that i show a lot of gratitude to all that you people have don for me , instate of me to eat food i will use my money to pay to make sure that i will email you, here is not USA you must pay in every thin tat u will do

Benjamin Dover i have come a long way on this ,as you trust in me and tell me what phystme have for me ,I want you to trust in me too and send me money let me bey Phone and do the simple ceremony,

And bey some of the thins that is need , believed me when i say that i did not have any money believed me father i can not lie to you ,

Since when i come back from Mali i have been sleeping undone the bridge, And i can not go back to my village ,i live in Lagos which is the biggest city in African,I did not have any friend that will help me with phone ,

If you know that you love me like a son help me with money let me bey phone and the other thins that is needed for the simple ceremony ,I promise you in the next 48 hours i will complete the ceremony and send the video to you ,if you help me with the money ,

Benjamin my problem is not the money that you people are going to give me my problem is to meet you and William i have a lot of question that i will ask William when i meet him ,

I did not need the $250,000, money is not my problem and i did not worship money,

Let me know if you are going to help me with the money ,if you are going to help me i will do it and if you are not going to help me i am not going to do it ,THAT IS ALL!!!

Wow. That was one of the longest temper tantrums/whines I’ve seen in quite some time. While I thought Prosper was just lying to us about selling his phone to get back from Timbuktu, Jojo pointed out to me that -- not only was Prosper continuing to stick to his story -- but he was consistently complaining about needing money to check our emails and he was also oddly specific about using a Noka Touch.

For the hell of it, I sent Prosper a ReadNotify email and -- instead of it being read on a iPhone as his others were -- the email was read on a PC at www.etisalat.com.ng, which looks like it could be some sort of internet café or ISP or something. I have since sent a couple of other RN emails, and none were read on an iPhone.

Holy shit. Did Prosper really sell his phone? As Jojo (and my Magic 8-Ball) tell me, signs point to yes.

Ben gets back to Prosper:

Quote:

Thank you for this email. It makes me happy that you see that we have done so much.

Phystme and I both recognize you have done a lot. It is why we have put so much faith in you.

However, you continue asking for money. I don't know how many ways I can tell you that I cannot legally send you money. It is not possible. It could send me to jail at worst, get me fired at least. (We have gotten so much mileage out of Rev Robert getting sacked for trying to send Prosper money. Davos’s idea may have been the most brilliant suggestion to come out of this bait.)

We moved mountains to get it to the point where we can have you do the final step on your own.

The ritual should cost nothing but a few dollars. You already have your robes and staff.

I am aware you are not in this for the money. We know you just want to be a member of the church. That's wonderful. It is why we trust you with the money. You and Omar are our best prospects.

Once the ritual is complete, getting you here to America with us is simple. You'll meet us together and we will have a wonderful time.

Prosper, the best course is for you to just get this done. It's so simple. It is the only way. We cannot send money until you do. Okay?

Isn’t it odd how quickly Prosper ping-pongs from being difficult and demanding to abjectly apologetic?

Quote:

Father i am so sorry, I was not made to hurt you ,i am sorry ,

what i mean by to us Becket of water is to use it and pure on my head not to enter inside it ,as i did at the last time

I am sorry for hurting you father

Quote:

My son, thank you. Your words hurt me deeply.

I talked with Phystme. He was reluctant, but I told him that we could do a Becket. He said okay, but that's the ONLY thing that can change.

If we allow the Becket, then do you think you can get it done quicker?

Please, my son, do all you can to work with us. Get the video done.

Quote:

Thank you father ,thanks a lot for all your help , i, am sorry for some of my world that hurt your fleeing ,i pray for God last night to give me money to bey phone and I believed that God will ans my prayer quicker,

Once i get phone i will do it ,

Thanks and may God bless you

Quote:

Thank you, son. Please hurry and get that phone. Do it as quickly as possible.

I believe you will soon find a way.

I hope you are blest with a phone this weekend!

Quote:

Father thanks for asking , I am not let bless with any phone, Since you can not send any money to me i have a friend which her sister live in USA ,Can you send her money so that she can send it to his brother and from there it will get to me ?

She live in texas,,USA , you can send her $500 and in the next two hours i get the money from his brother ,
Can you do that ? You can send it thought money gram or western union to her since it is usa to usa ,

I will wait to hear from you

Thanks
Your son

A mule? Really, Prosper? And has anyone noticed that Prosper is still having problems understanding gender pronouns?

Quote:

No. I cannot do this. It's effectively the same thing as me sending money to you. I can't do that. I cannot be dishonest. Okay?

My son, I believe you can get this done. All you need is to borrow a phone.

Well, this is getting boring, isn’t it? Prosper entered Mali a prospective minister expecting a $200,000 jackpot and he returned to Nigerian a café beggarboi trying to scratch out $500 through a mule.

Enter Phystme and an ASEM:

Quote:

My Dear Friends and Family,

I know We are all quite busy at this time of the year but, as the year begins to wind down to a close, I think it important that We sit back, reflect on the past year, and remember those people and events that made Our year as special as it was. Then, instead of simply thinking about those Special People, We should make it Our duty to reach out to them and thank them for the time and effort they put forth to help Us in Our daily lives.

Even though the Dear Lord Above teaches Us that we should always put the welfare of others ahead of Our own selfish needs, I understand that it is not always easy for Us to do so, which is why it is so important that We to reach out to those exemplary people who did think of others before themselves and let them know that We deeply appreciate their time, their effort, and their sacrifice. These wonderful people can take many forms -- they can be parents, siblings, teachers, friends, and mentors. They can be people that We see every day, they may be people that We only speak to on the telephone, and they may even be as distant as a voice on the Internet that said something that touched Us.

So, please, My friends, take a few minutes from your busy lives and let those special people in your lives know how they have touched you. As for Me, I would like to personally thank each and every one of you for your support and faith as We continue to spread TWAT through out the world. In every month of the year, in every week of each month, it seemed that Our TWAT grew a little larger, while still remaining as warm and inviting as it always has been. However, as you well know, Our Mission is to continue to expand Our Church until everyone in the world has been given a chance to be exposed to Our TWAT and I promise you that I shall not rest until Our Mission is complete.

Finally, I would like to tell you that Our donations for 2016 increased even more than We had first planned, which means that We have a little extra money in Our coffers that We had not planned for. As such, in an attempt to make your holiday season a little brighter, We will be sending to each of you a small bonus of twenty five thousand dollars ($25,000.00). Hopefully, this will permit you to do a little more shopping and to have a nice meal for you and your families.

And, that I suppose, is as good a place as any to end My message. I hope all of you have a Happy Thanksgiving and, to quote Brother Clement Clarke Moore, I would like to wish a Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a Good Night.

Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 8:09 pm

Is Prosper interested? Of course Prosper is interested!

Quote:

Good Day My lord how are you and how is your family ?

Whoops…

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Prosper,

How on Earth did you get that email? That was supposed to be a surprise from Us to all of Our new Ministers.

As such, that email was only to be sent to Ministers of Our Church. So, unless you can complete your baptism ritual soon, I am afraid that you will not qualify for Our holiday bonus.

I apologize for any confusion but I do hope that you and your family have a wonderful holiday season.

[cue the sound of a balloon deflating…]

Then, a day or so later, Prosper gets back to Ben:

Quote:

Good morning father and how was your night ?
I have complete the Ceremonial but i am looking for a way to uploading the video on YouTube,

I hope all is fine with you and how is your brother ? my regards to your wife

Quote:

Oh son! This is so good!!

I'm happy you got this done. Thank you. You'll be eligible for the $25,000 Christmas bonus as well. I don't know if Phystme mentioned it or not. But all members will get it. Since you'll be a member when we get the video, you'll get that as well.

My wife and I are well. Gearing up for the holidays!

Quote:

Hello Father Good morning i hope you get the video ?

<in addition to looking for a free image hoster for our pics, am now also looking for video host...>

Until I can post it, let me tell y’all that Prosper made us the most disappointing video imaginable. Back when we created the ritual, we were expecting nudity, fire, the eating of nasty items, and full submersion under water. Even though we later scaled the full submersion down to Prosper dumping a Becket of water on his head, what did we get? Nudity? Not very much. Fire? Nothing interesting. Eating of nasty items? He only chewed them. And, after all of his kicking and screaming, he didn’t dump the Becket of water on his head. Just about the only part of the video we liked was the Wile E Coyote-esque sign he held up at the end.

Even worse, the video was shot at night and looked as if it had been illuminated by a flashlight so we couldn’t even see what was going on. And, even worser, when Prosper took off his shirt, he very obviously kept his back to the camera the entire time, as if he was purposely trying to block out view of his tottat.

Now, this was just unforgivable. If Prosper didn’t get permanently tottatted, I would still owe bware a promise. And -- trust me, y’all -- owing bware a promise is the last place in the world you want to be. (Spoiler alert: She doesn’t allow safewords.)

Looks like Ben needs to break the bad news to Prosper:

Quote:

My Son,

I did indeed get the video, and I was so glad to see that you were able to do it. I just knew that if you showed a little faith and resourcefulness, God Himself would help you come through and make progress by finding yourself a phone. And He did, didn't He? Don't you just love it when a plan comes together like that? Once I put my faith and belief in you, I knew you would not let me down.

But, my son ... what happened to you when you failed to do step #10? Even after I spoke with Phystme and told him that there was no body of water near you for you to completely submerge yourself in (Such as Lagos Lagoon. Or maybe that lovely-sounding Snake Island.) he agreed that we would allow you to use a Becket of water in your ritual. But I did not see any Becket in your video. Or any water at all, for that matter.

It was a lot of work for me to get Phystme to bend the rules and permit the use of a Becket of water, but to completely exclude the Becket? That will not do, and I think you should re-do the video correctly and include the step with the Becket.

And, while we are on the subject of your video:
- Why was it so darn dark in your video? My tired old eyes could barely see you. Did you perform your ritual in a cave in the middle of the night? I need to be able to see your handsome smiling face!
- I think you may need to re-read the document that Phystme sent you. While you did perfectly follow the ritual by removing your street clothes in step #2, why did you then put on your TWAT robes? Your TWAT robes cannot be worn until you have purified yourself. I am sure you were just excited because you were coming to the climax of your penetration of the TWAT but, since you have not purified yourself until step #10 (or with the Becket), it is only at that time at which you may wear your TWAT robes.
- It looked to me as if you did not chew on your Holy Onion or your clove of garlic and merely bit into them and spat them out. I know you were just overly excited about entering the TWAT but ... please please please, my son, tell me you did not spit out your Holy Onion! Remember -- it is always more polite to swallow than it is to spit.
- While I absolutely loved the sign you held up at the end, my tired old eyes could barely see the letters on your sign. Is there any way you could darken those letters and make the sign easier for me to read? That way, you will really show your pride at being a complete TWAT!

So, when will you be able to re-do the video and then upload it again? Once you make those minor changes to it, my son, I am sure that Phystme will be so tickled that he will agree to almost any old thing we ask him.

Prosper digs his heels in the sand. Again.

Quote:

I am don with that if you people can not see all i did let it be it ,I am not going to do any other thin

Quote:

Prosper, Prosper, Prosper...

You just have no idea how deeply it cuts into my very soul when you say thins like that. And so shortly after you joked about killing yourself when you know well that my father and brother both did that horrible deed. Sometimes, I think you are truly trying to cause me pain.

My son ... what is the point of a baptism? To use water to wash away sin and to cleanse you, is it not? And, all throughout your baptism video, when did you cleanse yourself? After all the time I spent arguing with Phystme to get him to bend the rules and permit the use of a Becket of water, do you really think I can go and show him a baptism video that not only has no Becket but does not even have a baptism? What do you think Phystme will do?

Prosper ... I hope you know that I am looking out for your best interest and that I would never advise you to do any thin that would bring harm to you. If you truly are don with that and are not going to do any other thin, I cannot make you. But ... I just do not understand why you would come all this way, make so many sacrifice along the way, and give up now when your ministry is just a little further away and almost in your grasp.

Have you ever heard the saying that if you can take the time to do some thin the wrong way, you can take the time to do it the right way? All you have to do is follow the guidelines given to you, and you will be in. That's it. It's just so simple; and I do not see why you continue to argue about this.

Prosper tries to apply logic to a situation that is inherently illogical:

Quote:

Benjamin,Benjamin, Dover

Thank you so much for all you have don for me and may God bless you and give you all your heart want

I have a question is there any place in the bible that Jesus baptism him self ? OR have you see any pastor that baptism his self ? In the year of 1958 when you developed a large minister where you the one who baptism your self ? Ans m, and in the year 1955.when William was licensed and ordained a Minister was he the one that baptism his self ?

I have don my best on this and if you and Phystme and others can not accept it let us end it, I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANY OTHER THIN , For the video i have send it to Phystme but i have not hear from him ,

I am not argue with you ,i did all that you people want me to do but i know that i did not do the number #10, If you want me to do the number #10 only i can do it and send it to you people for me to do all i can not do it ,

Thanks
Your son
Prosper

Quote:

Prosper,

You are asking a lot of questions here so let me see what I can do to answer them...

I am fully aware that you sent Phystme the video. As soon as I saw you had not performed it correctly, I asked our head of IT (the Reverend James O'Kehr) to block Phystme's account from seeing videos. After all the time I spent arguing with you over step #10, and then speaking with Phystme to convince him to allow you to use a Becket of water in your ritual, I did not think it would be in your best interest to let Phystme see you perform the ritual incorrectly. But ... if you truly do want Phystme to see your Becketless video, just say the word and I shall speak with Reverend O'Kehr.

Now, while I do not think it is your position to question the rituals that Phystme has dictated for our church, I will allow you to do so, just this once. OF COURSE Phystme did not baptism his self; nor have I baptism my self; and nor have any one else baptism his self. And -- had you attended Our FIRE event coming or had you met up with us in Timbuktu -- you would have taken part in our ritual and there would be no need for you to baptism your self. But ... since you failed to do so, we needed to come up with some other way to induct you into our faith that did not require you to be with us in person.

Prosper, my son, I have told you so many times that I cannot force you to do anything you do not want to. If you truly believe that you have don your best on this and if you do not wish to do any other thin, then just say the word and I will tell Phystme that you do not want to perform the ritual and you are no longer interest in the church. Then, you can go your way, we can go ours, and we will need to look for a new Lead Minister of Nigerian.

Your father,

Sometimes Prosper gives in so easily, I almost feel guilty baiting him…

Quote:

Ben where are the place that i make mistake on the baptism ? , If i can do it i will do it ,If i can not i will let you know, let me know where that i did not get right , and i will know what to do about it

Quote:

Thank you for understanding, my son. I appreciate it. I'll go through a few problems with the video.

1. It was way too dark. We couldn't see anything that was going on.

2. Whoever filmed it did so terribly. Again, we Could not see anything that's going on.

3. You removed your shirt and then immediately put on your TWAT robes. You should not have your TWAT robes on until AFTER the baptism. Also, let that TWAT tattoo shine. We want to see it!

4. The holy onion and clove of garlic were merely chewed and spat out. You need to take abig, hearty bite and swallow it. This is a signal of your faith.

5. I loved your sign. However just make the lettering a little darker so we can see the words.

6. Finally, there was no Becket of water. At the end, you need to dump an entire Becket of water onto your head for the baptism. This is the whole point.

It was a good effort. I appreciate your willingness to do it again. You will do well with it. I know you will, my son.

More to come.

Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 12:55 am

Any way you can post a link to the video on YouTube?

Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 1:54 am

Totally awesome work keeping this mook hooked!

Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 1:48 pm

From Rev. Robert

Quote:

Are you using a phone or laptop that the church gave you? I need to tell you something.

From Prosper

Quote:

Good morning
I am not using the church phone or there laptop .what is it that you want to tell me , I am all ears

All ears huh? That explains the Mickey Mouse shirt.

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 10:17 pm

Prosper has confirmed that he isn't using a church device to talk to me. I was worried for a while that the church would be able to read about my nefarious plans for taking advantage of the church.

Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2016 2:07 pm

If he is low on funds he could always catch a bus to Omar's house for a little late night buggling...

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