Portrait of a Lady

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Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:31 am

This is an early bait-in-progress by an admitted noob. I share it here purely for amusement; I can't believe how far I've been able to pull this lad's leg! It should be well-and-truly off by now, you'd think...

It opens in the usual way, Mrs Elizäbeth Jöhnson is lying a-dying in a hospital in Johannesburg. Apparently she has no surviving family, but she does have a 'massive fortune' to bestow:

Quote:

My Beloved Friend In The Lord,

Thanks very much for your quick response to my email, l have read and understand your mail with the help of the nurse. As l wrote in my previous email, my name is Mrs. Elizabeth Anna Johnson. I appreciate your responds and your concern towards my health. Am very happy that am trusting the money to you. Just like you know that am currently in my sick bed please l want you to help me accomplish my last wish to the glory of God. l prayed and in my search the spirit of God directed me to you and told me that you are a trustworthy person who can help carry out my last wish to the glory of God. I shall be happier whether dead or live to see you help the less privilege with this money. l have full hope of living but the doctors said that the cancer stage has gotten worst.

I believe that the events of this world have its own way of bringing people together for good, I want you to act according to my wish so that the Almighty's will shall be done. I want this fund to be used in the way of Almighty.

Even when my late husband was alive, he use to donate money, food items, cloths and other things to many charity organization all over the world he also transfer hug amount of money to many charity organization to many parts of the world and that is why he instructed me before he died that l should use the money to donate to any charity organization of my choice or better look for a trust wordy person that will use the money to help the poor, needy and the less privileged so that the word of God will be fulfilled and his soul shall rest in the peace of God

The total sum of the funds to be transferred to you is USD$5.600,000.00 in which 40% will be yours and 60% will be for the less privileged and the homeless people in the society and also to finance some charity organization for the fulfillment of the word of God.

I want you to know that I have given my full trust to you and your family so please do not disappoint me. As you know that I am presently in the hospital on admission and my doctor says my condition is critical and that I have limited time to live, all I wish for now is to do something the Lord will appreciate before I leave this earth of which I will like you to be a partaker so please pray for me and act according to my instructions so that even if I should die tomorrow, I will die a happy person, so please be by my side.

Meanwhile, l will like you to send me some of your information like YOUR FULL NAME, HOME AND OFFICE ADDRESS, NATIONALITY, OCCUPATION, AGE, RELIGION to enable me write out an Authorization Letter to the bank and instruct them to transfer the money into your bank account so that you will receive the money on my behalf and use some part of the money to finance the less privileged and your family. l will also forward to you the Authorization Letter as a prove to you.

Please don't forget to always put me in your prayers and less I forget I write you by the help of a Nurse.

Regards and remain bless,
Yours Sister in pain
Mrs.Elizabeth Anna JohnsonMy Beloved Friend In The Lord,

Well, all I can say is thank God that fate put her in touch with my character. Röger Cöllins is a middle-aged businessman from an old-money Maine family. He likes to think that he belongs to some sort of aristocracy, but in fact he's bankrupt and dependent on his wealthy, more level-headed older sister. He's more than interested in Mrs. Jöhnson's proposal...

Quote:

Dear Mrs Johnson;

Please accept my apologies for the delay in replying to this sad letter of yours. I have been terribly busy at work. It is now 10pm at night here in America, but tired as I am I want to get this message through to you just as soon as possible.

Thank you so very much for your offer to assist the less privileged and the homeless. May Cthulhu take you to His embrace and reward your intentions with everything yoo deserve so richly, both in this life and the life to come! As it happens, I already mentioned you to my great friend and spiritual adviser the Reverend Gregory Träsk. Have you heard of him? He is a fellow-member of the Exoteric Order of Dagon of long standing here in Logansport, and he has also done a great deal of good work spreading the word overseas through his work with the Charitable foundation the International Society for Compassion And Mercy.

We are both very interested indeed in your proposition, so hear are the details that you requested:

Name: Röger Jamison Cöllins
Address: Mr Röger Cöllins
Senior Vice President, Brand Management
Executive Suite 4 Level 2
Dägon Wholesale Canneries
Cnr ******* and ***** Sts
LOGANSPORT MAINE 04461
Nationality: American
Occupation: as above
Age: 45
Religion: Exoteric Order of Dägon

Rev. Träsk and I are very excited about the prospect of obtaining these funds. We could do some truly glorious work in edifying the faithful and forcefully admonishing the infidel masses. Perhaps we could erect a monument to your memory, if your modesty doesn't forbid this?

Let me know,
Röger

The monument idea meant nothing particular at the time. It just came into Röger's head, possibly because he'd had a brandy too many...

Well, 'she' writes back:

Quote:

My Beloved Friend In The Lord,

Am very sorry for my late response to your email, as you know l was very sick and could not be able to get up and write you with the help of the nurse.

Thanks very much for sending your email across, l want you to understand that after my prayers and fasting, the spirit of God directed me to you as a good and trust worthy person who can fulfill my last wish to the glory of God. [You got that right, lady!] As l told you in my previous email, am a born again Christian and l have full hope of living but due to my present condition and according my doctor, they advised that the cancer stage has gotten worse and that l may not live any longer.

Am very grateful to write out an Authorization Letter on your name because my spirit keeps telling me that you will accomplish my last wish. May God give you the mind/wisdom to fulfill my last wish to His own Glory. l will also write MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT on your behalf as soon as you communicate with the bank.

Meanwhile, I have written and forwarded an Authorization Letter on your behalf to the bank and the bank have agreed to commence the transfer as soon as they have words with you, The bank Chief Executive Mr. Richard Etëmesi said that you have to contact their bank so that they will have a word with you before they will commence the transfer. l also instructed the bank to try and set up an Online bank account with their bank and also issue an ATM VISA CARD on your name and send to your home/office address so that you will be able to have an online access to the account and transfer the funds into your bank account or any charity organization as well as withdrawing the funds from any ATM MACHINE in your country and the bank agreed pending when you contact them.

Please I want you to contact the bank right away and hear what the bank has to say. Below is the bank's contact and the account info:

Bank Name: Standard Chartered Bank South Africa (SC BSA)
Bank Address:5th Floor, No: 4 Sandown Vally Cresent, Sandton 2196.
Gauteng Province, South Africa.
Bank Chief Executive : Mr. Richard Etemesi, (SC BSA )
TEL: +27 (0) 11071 0344
CELL PHONE : +27 (0) 734 775 274
FAX: : +27( 0) 86 750 2287
Email : [email protected]
Acc/No : [redacted]
Swift Code : SAZAZAJJ
Telex : 27651- 26220 - 25400

When you Contact the bank tell them that you are contacting on my behalf (Mrs. Elizäbeth Jöhnson) the wife of their Late customer Mr. Jöhnson who deposited the sum of $5.6million Dollars in a suspense account with my name as the next of kin. l hereby attach the deposit slip that was give to my late husband at the time of deposit, my photo and recent radiology photo.

As you may know, below is the address were am undergoing treatment of cancer here in South Africa.

Name Of Hospital: Westways Private Hospital
Hospital Address: R68 Old Potchefstroom Road
PO Bertsham
Johannesburg
2013
South Africa
Dr. Vuyo

Please my beloved friend, l want you to take me as you true and beloved sister.

Waits to hear from you and please let me know how it goes with the bank and less I forget I write you by the help of a Nurse.

Yours sister in pain.

Mrs. Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson.

And with this comes 'her' photo id:

[NOTE: FACIAL FEATURES PIXELATED FOR PRIVACY OF ID THEFT VICTIM]and the 'Deposit slip':

No radiology image, alas, but Röger's so worked up by all this that he doesn't even notice. And so, after piggying:

Quote:

Dear Elizäbeth - I may call you Elizäbeth?

I'm sorry to be so long in getting back to you. Nothing could be more important to me than helping the poor and underprivileged (as it clearly is with you), but I have to earn my own living at the same time!

I've just got back from work and I am exhausted. I spent a large part of the day arguing with that stubborn fool Bill Malloy, the Production Manager at the cannery. I hinted that it might soon be possible to vastly expand our operations because an 'interested party' had been sending me certain feelers with a view to making a major investment. He asked all sorts of probing questions and I had to think on my feet since of course I don't want him to know about you and your generous offer, at least not yet. His loyalties lie with my sister, not me. Did you know that her name is Elizäbeth, too? What a strange coincidence. I find it rather moving.

Anyway, it's well after 5pm here and it appears that it's after midnight in Johannesburg now. I would assume that your bank is closed. I cannot telephone from the house because, to be honest, the mansion is in my sister's name and the staff have a way of listening in on my phone calls. And they're frightful gossips! We have to be careful about this. I can trust Rev Träsk, of course - he keeps many secrets - but I can't trust many other people. I've caught the housekeeper listening at doors and on phone extensions before. I have a young son who's little more than a monster - he takes after his mother. I can't use a mobile phone any more since I caught him listening to my conversations on his laptop computer. He's a monster, but a bright monster. His governess is a bubble-headed flibbertigibbet who sees 'ghosts' everywhere. And the handyman, Matthew Morgan, is little better than an imbecile and he takes orders only from my sister Liz.

I really think it is better to stay away from telephones. Why don't I just email Mr Etëmesi from the Blue Whale, the bar near the cannery, on Monday? I can always slip away from work for a few minutes - I am a manager after all! - and they have an Internet portal of some sort there.

Having thus introduced 'Mrs Jöhnson' to some of our leading players, the stage is now set. By return, the lad repeats the last mail word for word. Then this:

Quote:

My Beloved Friend In The Lord,

Am very sorry for my late response to your email, as you know my condition of health is getting worse every day by day and many at times it could not allow me to get up and write you with the help of the nurse.

My beloved Friend in the Lord, yes you can send an email to the bank on Monday morning so that they will set up the account on your name and immediately transfer the funds into your bank account on Monday.

Please let me know as soon as the funds are transferred into your bank account..

God be with you and bless you.

Yours Sister In Pain.

My Sister In Pain? I certainly /hope/ we can share /your/ pain, my lad...but Roger has had one of his 'brilliant' ideas:

Quote:

Dear Elizäbeth;

I'm sorry to bother you on what is Sunday night over here. I'm sure that you would prefer the day to be kept sacrosanct and given over to prayer and fasting, as of course I myself would, but in view of your sad health condition this must be treated as a matter of urgency.

I believe that I told you about my dearest friend and spiritual mentor the Very Reverend Gregory Träsk. He sits on the executive committee of the International Dägon Society for Compassion, Aid and Mercy. This is a group which makes charitable disbursements to help the needy and deserving around the world. In the past we have funded orphanages, educational institutions, rehabilitation facilities and organizations to help the victims of Internet fraud. The Dägon Society was very interested in accepting your proposed bequest and I am glad to say that after an extraordinary meeting of the Executive Committee at my mansion on Saturday (I chair the Committee) the Society has agreed to handle your bequest.

Needless to say our gratitude to you is profound. But more on that later. The Executive Committee instructed me, in my capacity as Chairperson, to contact the Society's bankers in New York, the private equity firm of Mantle Bros., Inc., and instruct them to prepare to receive your bequest through the bank account which you nominated.

Unfortunately, I have just received an email from an employee of Mantle which informs me that the bank account details which you gave me are invalid. No information could be obtained from Mantle's computers other than that the account has apparently been closed. I think that something must have gone wrong at your end, Elizäbeth. I hate to ask you in your present state of health, but could you please contact the bank first thing on Monday morning to clear things up? The more quickly we can get that done, the more quickly we can set up the processes necessary for the Dägon Society to handle your more than generous bequest.

On a happier note, perhaps you remember my suggestion that a monument ought to be erected to the everlasting memory of such a generous benefactor of humanity as yourself? That was just my own spontaneous idea, expressive of my natural and instinctive admiration of your profound alturuism. Well, I did happen to mention it to the Executive Committee on Saturday and I am glad to say that they all seemed to think it was a wonderful idea! I can see it now, adorning the lawns of my mansion for all eternity. Or we can place it by your final resting place if you prefer. At all events, the Committee urged me to contact the famous local sculptor Ms Andrea Wolleck with a view to having her prepare a preliminary sketch of her proposal for such a monument. I took the liberty of forwarding her your lovely photograph, and I was astonished to receive Ms Wolleck's work back in my inbox just this morning! She must have worked throughout the night to get this done, and I must say that the result simply took my breath away! Tell me what you think of it, dear Elizäbeth! Don't let any false modesty stand in your way now - the Rev Trask has spoken and it is too late for second thoughts.

The sculptor asks me to ask you to provide some more photographs to work from, preferably full-body shots from a range of angles. If she can accomplish this as a sketch, imagine what a statue would look like! No-one who saw it could fail to be most deeply affected!

Roger attaches this for good measure:

[IMAGE PIXELATED TO PROTECT PRIVACY OF ID THEFT VICTIM]

You'd think that this would have to be too much for even the thickest lad to swallow...but back comes this:

Quote:

My Beloved Friend In The Lord,

Am very sorry for my late response to your email, as you know my condition of health is getting worse every day by day and many at times it could not allow me to get up and write you with the help of the nurse.

My beloved Friend in the Lord, thanks very much for your email and for the monument you made with my photo. l called the bank today with the help of the nurse and the bank said that due to the long period of time, the account is now dormant and that you have to contact them so that they will proceed with the activation and transfer of the funds to you.

Please my beloved friend in the Lord, l want you to immediately contact the bank today so that they will transfer the funds into your bank account today.

Please let me know as soon as the funds are transferred into your bank account..

God be with you and bless you.

Yours Sister In Pain.
Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson

This lad has nothing but money on his mind! Art means nothing to him! Shocking!

Well, let's see what we can manage to shake loose from the 'bank', then...

Roger's opener offers an 'art prize':

Quote:

Mr Etëmsi;

My name is Röger Collins and I am writing to you with regard to the affairs of Mrs Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson. I believe that you bank for the lady, and therefore you should be aware that she was intending to make a substantial transfer to a society of which I am the chairperson. Sadly, Mrs Jöhnson is terminally ill, as you know, and wishes this money to be put to charitable uses worldwide. My group, the International Dägon Society for Compassion, Aid and Mercy [extra initial added at the suggestion of my mentor], has considered her request and agreed to act on her behalf.

However, when my bankers looked into the matter over the weekend, they discovered that the account number which Mrs Jöhnson provided is that of an account which is now closed. Could you please clarify this matter for us at your earliest convenience?

On another subject, the donation being offered by Mrs Jöhnson is so substantial in nature as to be quite extraordinary. The Dägon Society was deeply moved by her generosity, and we have proposed to dedicate a small portion of the funds towards the erection of a substantial statue to her memory. Mrs Jöhnson was good enough to forward a photograph of herself in early conversation, and our sculptor has used it to construct a mock-up of the statue which amazes everyone who sees it.

Unfortunately, Mrs Jöhnson is clearly a very modest person and has not responded to the sketch we sent her. Being aware of her terminal condition and her sensibilities, a sub-committee of the Dägon Society which is dedicated to charitable works in the cultural and artistic fields has considered the situation and has now decided to take extraordinary action to commemorate Mrs Jöhnson's generosity of spirit in a more immediate medium.

The statue will take many months to complete and frankly we are afraid that Mrs Jöhnson may not live to see it. We have therefore decided to combine a memorial with our philanthropic work in culture and the arts. In short we have decided to establish an Elizäbeth Jöhnson Commemorative Arts Award Scheme, and the Dägon Society has voted to allocate the sum of USD 5 000 as an initial amount.

Can you help us administer the scheme? The idea is that an artist or artists from Mrs Jöhnson's local area can enter into competition (judged by the Dagon Society) to complete a painting based on the attached sketch of Mrs Jöhnson's proposed statue. This artwork can be in oils or watercolor or mixed media, but must be essentially realistic in nature. Larger formats are preferred. All completed submissions must be forwarded to the Dägon Society at the artist's expense for the judging process to commence. Multiple entries are permissible.

The winning artist will receive support from the Dägon Society to the value of USD 5 000. [Note the promise of 'support' rather than money. Can we safari the 'winner' for 'art supplies' later?] All decisions are final. If you are able to undertake the local administration of this award, you can of course claim reasonable expenses to defray your costs.

I really hope that you can take this work on for us. Speed is very much of the essence as we strongly wish for the final artwork to be presented to Mrs Jöhnson before her condition deteriorates further. It will bring tears of joy to many of us at the Dägon Society if I can tell them that they have heard of your agreement by return email! Needless to say, it is of the utmost importance that all news of our action is kept from Mrs Jöhnson herself. This kindly subterfuge will enable us to present her with a picture which both reflects and elicits that beautific smile of hers.

Please let me know what you think as quickly as possible. If you yourself are unwilling or unable to take on this duty for Mrs Jöhnson, then perhaps you can suggest someone competent and trustworthy who can.

Yours most sincerely,

Röger Cöllins

Well, it's worth a try, isn't it? But our lad is no more interested in art as a 'banker' than he is as a 'widow'...

Quote:

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA

Office Of The Foreign Remittance Dept.
STANDARD CHARTERED Bank SOUTH AFRICA

Direct Allocation Number:(+27) 734 775 274 08/03/2016
STANDARD CHARTERED BANK
GAUTENG SOUTH AFRICA

Our Ref: SC.ZA-522639626.
Your Ref: FC-454554463.

Attention: Mr. Röger Cöllins,

Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email and the content herein is duly noted. We wish to inform you that we have been AUTHORIZED by Mrs. Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson to transfer the sum of Five Million Six Hundred Thousand American Dollars (USD$5,600,000.00 ) to your bank account.

Her request is being processed by the International Remittance Department Unit of our Bank and based on the fact that the said funds is in not on your name and also you are not a citizen of the Republic of South Africa. It becomes imperative that you SHOULD open an ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT with our bank to enable us deposit your FUNDS and therefore process your funds into an INTERNATIONAL ATM CARD (VIP VISA CARD) and send to your home/office address as well as sending you the ONLINE BANKING DETAILS (Link, Username and Password) within three working days.

In line with the ethics of our banking profession, we requested for the submission of some relevant document from Mrs. Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson which she has done and all the documents has been finally processed and sent to our bank on your behalf. We shall also send you the Online Username and Password to the ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT that will be set up on your behalf at our bank. The Online account will enable you wire the transfer of your funds into any of your nominated bank account from your current location and without any Governmental intrude/interferance and or paying any huge tax to the Government of South Africa and that of your country. The login username and the password will enable you instant access to your funds from any location. This process will also divert the attention of any monitoring agent hence making the transaction easy.

Base on this fact Madam [/Really/!], all we require of you is to complete/fill our ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT OPENING FORM which we shall send you in our next email which you will fill/complete accordingly and send back to us.

Upon the receipt of your response on the above method of transfer, we shall send you our bank ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT OPENING FORM which you will fill/complete within 12 working hours to enable us set up your ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT with our bank and then process your INTERNATIONAL ATM CARD (VIP VISA CARD) and send to your designated home/office address within three working days.

Kindly respond urgently so that we can send you the form today.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Mr. Richard Etëmesi,
Chief Executive: SC BSA
Tel: +27 (0) 110710344
Cell Phone: +27 (0) 73477 5274

** DISCLAIMER: This message is intended for the addressee only and may be legally privileged. If received in error please report to us immediately and disregard the content therein. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying or distribution in reliance of the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. All emails and file attachments sent to and received from STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA will be scanned for viruses its email Virus scanning system. However it is recommended that attachments, if any, be scanned for viruses before launching. STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA is not liable for any damages caused due to virus(es), Trojans or any other form of malicious software transmitted over emai

Not a word about Röger's lovely portrait! He's got his heart set on having that up in the drawing room at Cöllinwood...this will never do...time to administer a mild ladshake...

Quote:

Mr. Etëmesi;

Unfortunately I can't ring the number you gave safely. The servants listen in on my calls and then they spread all sorts of silly gossip in the village. Please send me the details by return email instead.

I'm surprised that you didn't respond at all to my suggestion that the Dägon Society sponsor a local artist to make a commissioned portrait of poor Mrs Johnson. Isn't she terribly ill at the moment? Surely a lovely portrait of her statue, presented to her as a surprise, could only help to strengthen her will to live. Think it over and get back to me quickly. We need to start organising this just as soon as possible! Surely there are artists in your hometown who would be willing to paint a portrait in return for 5 000 USD worth of assistance?

RC

This appeal brings a grudging mention along with the next attempted shakedown:

Quote:

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA

Office Of The Foreign Remittance Dept.
STANDARD CHARTERED Bank SOUTH AFRICA

14/03/2016

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK
GAUTENG SOUTH AFRICA

Our Ref: SC.ZA-522639626.
Your Ref: FC-454554463.

Attention: Mr. Röger Collins,

Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email and the content herein is duly noted. Sir, l regret to inform you that as the Chief Executive of Standard Chartered Bank, am not into contract and cannot take up your contract to find a designer for the said portriate. My duty and obligation is to ensure that the Online account is set up on your name at our bank as instructed by our customer Mrs. Elizabeth Anna Johnson.

Sir, we can equally wire the funds into your nominated bank account but base on the fact that the said funds is not initially on your name and to save more cost on Tax to the Government of South Africa and that of your country, we advice that you have an ONLINE ACCOUNT with our bank that will enable you online access into your account from any part of the world.

As you can agree with me that due to high level of crime and terrorism going on worldwide, all government agencies are at alert to monitor and control any transfer exeeding USD$100,000:00 dollars. Any transfer exeeding the USD$100,000:00 must have a funds clearance certificate which will cost you huge amount of money.

With the ONLINE ACCOUNT, we can be able to divert government attention on your funds and also avert government tax because we shall send you the Online Username and Password to your account so that we can have access to the funds 24/7 and from any part of the world. With the Online Non-Resident account at our bank, you can either leave the funds at our bank while we send you the INTERNATIONAL VIP ATM CARD (VISA CARD) that will allow you to withdraw the funds from ATM MACHINE in your country. On the other option, you can wire the funds into any of your designated bank account from the Online account and from your current location.

Base on this fact Sir, all we require of you is to complete back the filled Online Non-resident account opening form so that we can FINALLY set up your ONLINE ACCOUNT with our bank and then process your INTERNATIONAL ATM CARD (VIP VISA CARD) and send to your designated home/office address today.

Please do find our bank FINAL ONLINE ACCOUNT OPENING FORM below. Kindly fill/complete the FORM and send back to us as well as sending the account opening fee of $550 dollars today.

The details with which you will use in sending the fee will be given to you upon your request.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Mr. Richard Etëmesi,
Chief Executive: SC BSA

** DISCLAIMER: This message is intended for the addressee only and may be legally privileged. If received in error please report to us immediately and disregard the content therein. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying or distribution in reliance of the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. All emails and file attachments sent to and received from STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA will be scanned for viruses its email Virus scanning system. However it is recommended that attachments, if any, be scanned for viruses before launching. STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA is not liable for any damages caused due to virus(es), Trojans or any other form of malicious software transmitted over email.

A cruddy pdf of no innate interest was attached. Roger wants to talk about art, not money:

Quote:

Mr Etëmesi;

Early as it is here in Maine (6am on Monday morning), I feel that I really must drop you a very quick line to thank you for your assiduous care for this matter. There is one slight problem at hand, and that concerns the portrait of Mrs Jöhnson which I was trying to arrange through your offices (I trust you've told her nothing about this!). The Dägon Society feels very strongly that all individuals are connected by a webby mesh of intentions and actions which envelops each of us throughout the ages. One's own actions determine one's position in the 'Mesh of Things' or 'The Big Mesh' as some of our more worldly members like to call it. If I was to prepare to accept this large sum from you on Mrs Jöhnson's behalf without arranging some recompense for her benevolent actions I would be in severe danger of becoming entangled myself! And that would never do!

I'm sure that my great friend and spiritual adviser, the Very Reverend Gregory Träsk, would quote from the Good Book to this effect if I raised the matter with him (as I must): "The other images group around me to support me: let all be worshipped, for they shall cluster to exalt me." [I never said which 'Good Book' it was, did I?] And I couldn't agree with him more! Images of all sorts are very important to us here at the Dägon Society - no doubt you've heard the saying 'image is everything'. As a banker you should certainly agree. And so I'm not really sure that I can honestly proceed with this transaction without finding somebody to take on the task of making a very small return to Mrs Jöhnson for her generosity. Of course the sum to be offered to the winning artist is a mere trifle - just 5 000 USD worth of support and assistance - hardly worth your time bothering with - but please, Mr Etëmesi, it's for a gift for a dying woman for goodness' sake!

Are you sure that you can't take on the management of this project? It would mean so much to me, not to speak of poor Mrs Jöhnson. I daresay that knowing how much honor we propose to do her memory would do wonders for her will to live. And we do both want her to get better, not worse, don't we, Mr Etëmesi?

Roger

...of course we both want her to get better...more in a sec...

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 9:41 am

Nice work! I don't think the leeting is necessary in a number of places. The names are common enough that a google search would have hundreds of results.

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 9:46 am

The dawn brings 'Mr Etëmesi's' reply:

Quote:

Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email and the content herein is duly noted. We wish to inform you that we have been AUTHORIZED by Mrs. Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson to transfer the sum of Five Million Six Hundred Thousand American Dollars (USD$5,600,000.00 ) to your bank account.

Her request is being processed by the International Remittance Department Unit of our Bank and based on the fact that the said funds is in not on your name and also you are not a citizen of the Republic of South Africa. It becomes imperative that you SHOULD open an ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT with our bank to enable us deposit your FUNDS and therefore process your funds into an INTERNATIONAL ATM CARD (VIP VISA CARD) and send to your home/office address as well as sending you the ONLINE BANKING DETAILS (Link, Username and Password) within three working days.

In line with the ethics of our banking profession, we requested for the submission of some relevant document from Mrs. Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson which she has done and all the documents has been finally processed and sent to our bank on your behalf. We shall also send you the Online Username and Password to the ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT that will be set up on your behalf at our bank. The Online account will enable you wire the transfer of your funds into any of your nominated bank account from your current location and without any Governmental intrude/interferance and or paying any huge tax to the Government of South Africa and that of your country. The login username and the password will enable you instant access to your funds from any location. This process will also divert the attention of any monitoring agent hence making the transaction easy.

Base on this fact Madam [grrrrrrr...], all we require of you is to complete/fill our ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT OPENING FORM which we shall send you in our next email which you will fill/complete accordingly and send back to us.

Upon the receipt of your response on the above method of transfer, we shall send you our bank ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT OPENING FORM which you will fill/complete within 12 working hours to enable us set up your ONLINE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT with our bank and then process your INTERNATIONAL ATM CARD (VIP VISA CARD) and send to your designated home/office address within three working days.

Kindly respond urgently so that we can send you the form today.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Mr. Richard Etëmesi,
Chief Executive: SC BSA

The same form was attached. This lad is not being a good lad: Roger wants to talk about art, not money. Time for something stronger than a ladshake...

...introducing Dävid Cöllins, Röger's 14-year-old delinquent son. He's recently snuck into the 'Deadpool' movie, and thinks that if you cuss every sixth word people will think you're 'tough'. He's also hacked into Roger's email, and to prove it to Mr Etëmesi, he forwards him his own message above from Dävid's own account, together with this proposal:

Quote:

Ho, ho ho! Very funny, Mister 'Etëmsi'! I see what you're up to a mile off!

My name is Dävid Cöllins and Röger Cöllins, f*ck him, is my ars*wipe of a father. And you are woprking for me now! Röger thinks you're for real but I know what you are - just another loser scammer. I've hacked his email, as you can see, and I could hack yours too if I could be bothered. But I know you're just a small-time petty crook who's too dumb to even realize that he's finally stumbled across a real live gold mine! But most of the gold is gonna be mine in a few months -but there'tll still be plentyh left over for you.

This is how it works from here. Pay attention. Röger's a sucker who actually thinks that your 'Elizäbeth Jöhnson' is for real. He's that dumb, really, and your email caught him when he was drunk, which is most nights. He really thinks that the bitch is dying, and he's all cut up about it, the dumbsh*t. So you've got him on the hook. The problem is that he doesn't really ahve any money of his own. He's a f*cking undischarged bankrupt. His sister, my dumb aunt Elizabeth, pays him peanuts to pretend to do something useful at the cannery the family's owned forever. But he just sits in his office playing solitare all day, the *sshole. I know 'cos I've hacked his work computer, too.

What we need to do is this. Röger has access to the consolidated revenue account of the cannery. I don't know why that old hag my aunt made that particular mistake, but she did. He can draw on thousands or hundreds of thousands, and we can get it off him, but we've got to go slow and do it bit by bit, or else Aunt Elizäbeth will find out and shut the whole thing down. What I want you to do is this - play along with Röger. He really believes in that portrait crap he's been on at you about, for one thing. So give him the portrait! Find some guy on the street who'll slap some crappy paint on a bit of cardboard that looks vaguely like that dumb picture he sent you, and send it to him. Give the guy who paints it ten bucks, or just do it yourself. He'll never know the difference. Take the 5000 he gives you. 70% you send to me and 30% you keep for yourself. And that's how it's gonna be from now on. It's just you and me, baby!

Eventually we'll take him for everything he's worth. I got lots of rich-kid friends taht can help me stash the money in accounts nobody will ever find. But I want you for deniability. When Liz finally finds out it'll turn out that that bum Röger got taken by a scammer that anyone ought to have seen througth in five minutes, and he'll go to jail and the money will never be recovered. By anybody but ME, that is! And you'll get your cut.

So tell the idiot that you'll find someone to do the portaiyt. Ham it up good, throw in the waterworks. He's a sucker for that sh*t. He won't even konw what's hit him till it's way too late.

You get back to me RIGHT NOW and tell me that you understand and you'll do what I say. And don't even think of trying to warn Roger. IF you try, he'll never see your email - but I WILL. Get it, sucker?

Now quit being dumb and get ready to start being rich. This is teh big league now.

Dëadpool Cöllins

But does this convince our lad to play along? No, it does not! David waits a day, then adds this - the title of the email is "you shoulda listened":

Quote:

because your cut is now 20%,not 30%. Tomorrow it will be 10%. Guess what happens the day after, loser?

Now this approach convinces our lad to back off, although he doesn't warn Röger or anything - he just disappears. Matters rest there for a few days, and then Röger decides to poke him again, letting him know that 'Dëadpool' has been put back in his box for the time being:

Quote:

Dear Mr Etëmesi;

I apologize for the quite unconscionable length of time since my last communication with you. Unfortunately I have been having some problems with my young son, Dävid. The lad is going through what we used to call 'the awkward age' in my day, and he has been getting up to all sorts of mischief, some of it not entirely harmless. In short, he has been interfering with the communications here in Cöllinwood, and I suspect from something he let slip that he has even been reading my own emails!

We have him locked in his room at present, without access to any computers or mobile phones [that's what Roger thinks!], and plans are afoot to return him to boarding school on Monday.

Naturally with all this going on - not to mention my sister Liz having psychological problems and her daughter Caroline now keeping company with an appalling young Hells Angels type! - I haven't had time to fill in your form. I apologise, and I hope to get to it now I have a bit of time this weekend.

However, there is another matter which I must mention. The suffering of poor Mrs Jöhnson has been greatly on my mind as you know, and when I got home from work today I resolved to send some flowers to her in the hospital where she was in care. However, the florists have just got back to me, and told me that they contacted the Westways Private Hospital in Johannesburg to get the details of where to send the six dozen roses, and a lady on reception there told them that the hospital had no such patient as a Mrs Elizäbeth Jöhnson!

I hardly know what to say or to do, Mr Etëmesi! I know that her health was failing rapidly, poor woman, but surely the worst has not yet happened? Is this some sort of mistake by the hospital or - I hardly dare to even mention the prospect out loud, as it were.

I am deeply troubled and perplexed, Mr Etëmesi. Please let me know what the truth is as soon as possible. I will not be able to rest easy until you have done so.

Can the worst have happened to poor Mrs Jöhnson? Well, we've fed the lad his next line, at any rate...but nothing happens for five days while Röger is busy tending to all his other piggies. Then Röger pokes again:

Quote:

Mr Etëmesi;

Is Mrs Jöhnson all right? I had someone call the hospital last night
and the hospital insists that there is no one of that name listed as a
patient. I am growing concerned!

Röger

...and gets results, this time:

Quote:

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA

Office Of The Foreign Remittance Dept.
STANDARD CHARTERED Bank SOUTH AFRICA

23/03/2016

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK
GAUTENG SOUTH AFRICA

Our Ref: SC.ZA-522639626.
Your Ref: FC-454554463.

Attention: Mr. Röger Cöllins,

Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email and the content herein is duly noted. Sir, am very sorry for my late responds to your email. The reason being that l was out of office for one week now with no access to my email. Sir, information reaching us is that your sister Mrs. Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson has passed on. It is really a shocking news to us and l pray God will give you the fortitude to bear the lose of your sister Mrs. Elizäbeth Anna Jöhnson.

Base on this fact Sir, your presence is needed here because according to the doctor. They need some money to clear the hospital bills and also for her funeral. [Scum!] You have to try and send the requested account opening fee of $550 dollars today so that we can set up the account on your name and immediately wire the funds into your bank account so that you will have enough money to clear her hospital bills and for her funeral.

The details with which you will use in sending the fee will be given to you upon your request.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Mr. Richard Etëmesi,
Chief Executive: SC BSA

** DISCLAIMER: This message is intended for the addressee only and may be legally privileged. If received in error please report to us immediately and disregard the content therein. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying or distribution in reliance of the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. All emails and file attachments sent to and received from STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA will be scanned for viruses its email Virus scanning system. However it is recommended that attachments, if any, be scanned for viruses before launching. STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA is not liable for any damages caused due to virus(es), Trojans or any other form of malicious software transmitted over email.

Well, needless to say, this terrible news has Röger aghast:

Quote:

Mr Etëmesi;

Such desperately sad news. I am veiled by tears as I write this. Of course the Dägon Society will take care of everything, but first things first - my profoundest condolences to her family and friends, and yourself of course. Please send me the details of where to send flowers and a card. I will see to this immediately.

Do you recall the statue of Mrs Jöhnson which we discussed creating in her memory with a infinitesimal portion of the funds of her so-generous bequest? I sent you a picture of a proposed sketch for it some time back. Confidentially, I am thinking of flying out to Johannesburg for the funeral. [You gonna meet Röger at the airport, lad?] I could look over our African fisheries while I was there. When and where is the funeral to be? And have you made contact with local artists to have the portrait commissioned yet, as I asked you? I want that done more then ever, now I've heard this shocking news.

Yours in Cthulhu,

Röger

Röger and his portrait! He just won't let go of the idea! Then he has a few drinks, and remembers that he promised to send a card:

Quote:

I know it's early in the morning over there, but I just had to send you a picture of the lovely card I just found to send to Elizabeth's family. Do you think they'll like it? I hope so...

Perhaps I could send it by mail and you could add your own signature before you passed it on?

The 'poem', such as it is, is an acrostic: if you read the first letters of each line downwards, they spell a certain phrase...

*

Well, that was two days ago and I've heard nothing since. Hope springs eternal, but perhaps my 'condolence card' was a step too far...who knows?

It's going on for 10:40 AM in Lagos...perhaps today's mail will bring something to ease the pain of Röger's sad bereavement...

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 9:47 am

^^Being extra-careful 'cos it's still active...won't bother in future...

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:22 am

My character, Roger Collins, has been baiting 'Mr Richard Ëtemesi' for a number of weeks now. Our lad showed up as the 'banker' handling the 'estate' of the 'dying widow' Elizabeth Johnson, who is of course fabulously wealthy and wants to give her vast fortune to charity with the assistance of Roger.

Well, things were going back and forth in about the usual manner when Roger's delinquent son David tried to enlist the lad in helping David scam his father. 'Mr Ëtemesi' backed off at this point and shut down, but without informing Roger of his son's depravity. Roger poked the lad a couple of times, asking about the health of 'Mrs Johnson', and was appalled to then learn from 'Mr Ëtemesi' that poor Mrs Johnson has died!

Roger sent a condolence card to be passed on to Mrs Johnson's family, but then heard nothing back. He writes the next day:

Quote:

Mr Ëtemesi, I really need to know about the funeral details! I am trying to book a flight today!

Also, my family lawyers, Garner & Garner, state that they will need a copy of Mrs Johnson's death certificate urgently for their records.

If all this can be accomplished, I can be on a flight within the next couple of days. I will take documents with me demonstrating that the USD 20 000 I am carrying in traveller's cheques is for charitable purposes of the International Dägon Society for Compassion, Aid and Mercy. This is what my lawyers need the death certificate for. All this paperwork is extremely tedious, but it must be endured, I suppose.

Roger

PS: You did not tell me whether you liked my card or not. I went to some pains to acquire that!

I figgered that if a lad won't bite on a mugu who's throwing himself into the lad's arms, we were probably done here. In fact, three days went by with no reply, and I thought we were finally done. However, I gave him one last poke. Roger's been trying to get a 'portrait' of Mrs Johnson out of the lad, which is an idea the lad has been steadfastly refusing to take on. Suddenly, he gets an email from Roger, thanking the lad fulsomely for the 'portrait' which the lad has never sent, and telling the lad that he has been 'paid' about eight grand for it...

Quote:

Mr Ëtemesi;

As per your email I have cancelled my flight to South Africa and am now awaiting your further instructions regarding this matter. I do have some very wonderful news for you, however. The Bureau for Logistical Enlightenment and Creative Help of the Dägon Society has just unanimously declared your artist's portrait to be the unquestioned winner of the inaugural Elizabeth Johnson Commemorative Arts Award!

I have just closed down the meeting in proper form. The other members are gathered around, still admiring Mr Habana's incredible portrait. I must say it made our jaws drop when we first saw the image you sent in your email! I'm sure that Mr Habana is well aware of the merit of his work, but perhaps you might be good enough to pass on these anonymous evaluations made by each of committee members (I stood aside from the voting as I had introduced you to the Bureau in the first place):

Member One: "Although I am not a painter, I think that the reductive quality of the purity of line visually and conceptually activates the eloquence of this piece."

Member Two: "It's difficult to enter into this work because of how the aura of the spatial relationships makes resonant the essentially transitional quality."

Member Three: "With regard to the issue of content, the iconicity of the gesture endangers the devious simplicity of the essentially reductive quality."

Member Four: "I disagree with some of the things that have just been said, but the mechanical mark-making of the figure visually and conceptually activates the distinctive formal juxtapositions."

Member Five: "I'm troubled by how the metaphorical resonance of the gesture makes resonant the inherent overspecificity."

I'm sure you'll agree that Mr Habana's work more than merits such high praise. The committee were divided as to whether the portrait reminded them most of the work of Francis Bacon, Fra Angelico or Louis Wain during his 'Big Cat Eyes' period. I myself would have purchased the work if it were possible to do so, and I can assure you that there is a great clamoring of interest amongst committee members to be the first to commission a Bryan Habana original for their own walls! I think I can assure you that Mr Habana will not go without either work or money in the future, Mr Ëtemesi! I hope that the gentle spirit of Mrs Johnson smiles down from the Great Beyond on what is surely just the first of the good works which her estate has accomplished with your deft assistance!

That reminds me - money. Much as I hate to bring up such a sordid matter while discussing the discovery of a true artist, I have just instructed my bankers, Mantle Bros Inc. of New York, to send the sum of $7817 USD to the account which you nominated. Please inform Mr Habana that this amount consists of the agreed-upon $5000 USD prize money, and additional $2500 contributed by an anonymous admirer as an extra appreciation of the truly outstanding quality of the artwork, and the requested $317 USD for delivery costs. Please ensure that this work is dispatched with the utmost care and expedition, Mr Ëtemesi! It will form the centerpiece of our future endeavors together!

My bankers tell me that the payment should clear within three working days. Congratulations!

Roger

PS: Two things - you didn't send the artist's statement which I requested along with the image of the portrait. Could you please send this by return mail? Also, the committee was uncertain about the artistic significance and/or meaning of the single red dot below the figure of Mrs Johnson. Could you please ask Mr Habana what the dot signifies?

Bryan Habana is a rugby forward for the South African Springboks team. I thought this must make our lad realise that his leg's being pulled, but I guess some lads are just impervious...

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:03 am

Well, our lad is woken up a bit by being told that someone has been 'sent' about 8 grand, and it's not him! He writes back:

Quote:

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA

Office Of The Foreign Remittance Dept.
STANDARD CHARTERED Bank SOUTH AFRICA

29/03/2016

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK
GAUTENG SOUTH AFRICA

Our Ref: SC.ZA-522639626.
Your Ref: FC-454554463.

Attention: Mr. Roger Collins,

Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email and the content herein is duly noted. Sir, do not transfer any money into the account that was provided by Mr. Habana. l should be the one to give you banking details to make the transfer. Kindly forward to me the email from Mr. Habana together with the bank banking details he provided for my confirmation.

Kindly respond urgently today.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Mr. Richard Ëtemesi,
Chief Executive: SC BSA

This brings him back two communications. The first is from David, who has demonstrated before that he can access Roger's email at will. It's very much short and to the point - the subject line is 'Hey, loser!' and it contains three images taunting 'Mr Ëtemesi' over the chop - first an image of the crappy portrait (which I slapped together in five minutes over lunch) and a bundle of Ben Franklins for David, and then a roll of toilet paper on a wall with 'Asswipe' written on it, for our lad.

In another few minutes the lad also gets a very nasty email from Roger:

Quote:

Mr Ëtemesi;

What in the blithering blue blazes are you blabbering about, man? YOU sent me those instructions, sir! Several days ago now! I followed them to the letter! Are you drunk, Mr Ëtemesi?

Mr Habana has never sent me an email. YOU sent me the email, on the 19th of March, informing me that you had discovered Mr Habana as an artist and enclosing a picture of his painting of Mrs Johnson, which quite rightly was immediately judged to have won the inaugural Elizabeth Johnson Commemorative Arts Award! And YOU told me which account to send the prize money to! If something has gone wrong with this transaction the Dägon Society will be seriously out of pocket and otherwise embarrassed and I shall hold you personally responsible, sir!

Below is a copy of the email which YOU sent me and now apparently claim to not remember. I can only say further that if this is your idea of a practical joke it is one in extremely bad taste, sir!

Roger Collins

YOUR OWN EMAIL OF 19TH MARCH NOW FOLLOWS BELOW:

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA

Office Of The Foreign Remittance Dept.
STANDARD CHARTERED Bank SOUTH AFRICA

19/03/2016

STANDARD CHARTERED BANK

GAUTENG SOUTH AFRICA

Our Ref: SC.ZA-522639626.
Your Ref: FC-454554463.

Attention: Mr. Roger Collins,

Sir,

PLEASE SIR BE UNDRSTANDING THIS MSSGE WELL - YOU SHOULD NOT NOW TRAVEL HERE FOR MRS JOHNSOL FUNERAL BCOS SHE HAVE BODY IN STORAGE NOW AND IS NOT A RUSH TO COME NOW. FAMILY AND FRNDS AGREE TO WAIT FOR YOU TO COME LEAD MARCH AND WE HAVE BIG BAND AND SO ON

BUT SIR IS SOMTHING INPORTANT NEED TO SHOW YOU. HAVE FOUND GREAT ARTST WHO PAINT PICTURE OF MRS elizabeth anna johnson JUST AS YOU WANT SIR. IS PICTURE HERE OF BEAUTIFUL PAINTING HE MAKE AND HIS NAME IS BRYAN HABANA SIR. WILL SEND PICTURE OF HIM TO WITH THIS SO YOU KNOW. HERE SIR WE THINK HE WIN THIS PRIZE COS HIS WORK SO BETUFIUL EVERYONE PRAISE GOD AND MRS elizabeth anna johnson AND YOU WEN THEY SEE.

SO YOU GIVE THE PRIZE MONEY SOON TO MR BRYAN HABANA SIR YO USEND TO THIS ACCOUT OF BANK PLEASE IT MR HABANA ACCOUNT:

FULL NAME: GUNTHER ALLIN.
ACCT # [fake account redacted]
ROUTING:078511987
SWIFT CODE:09511987
ACCOUNT TYPE: SAVINGS
BANK NAME: FARMERS SAVINGS AND LOAN.
BANK ADDRESS:4302 E. TOWNE BLVD, MADISON, WI. 53704

PLEASE SIR MR HABANA HE ALSO NEED MONY TO SEND PICTURE TO YOU IN AMERICA SIR. HE NEED $317 TO SEND PAITING IN LOVELY FRAME HE MAKE FOR IT SO PLEASE SIR SEND THIS $317 ALSO ASWELL AS $5000 FOR PRIZE PLS SIR

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Mr. Richard Ëtemesi,
Chief Executive: SC BSA

** DISCLAIMER: This message is intended for the addressee only and may be legally privileged. If received in error please report to us immediately and disregard the content therein. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying or distribution in reliance of the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. All emails and file attachments sent to and received from STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA will be scanned for viruses its email Virus scanning system. However it is recommended that attachments, if any, be scanned for viruses before launching. STANDARD CHARTERED BANK SOUTH AFRICA is not liable for any damages caused due to virus(es), Trojans or any other form of malicious software transmitted over email.

With this comes a picture of Mr Habana, the rugby forward (a completely innocent third party), and the 'winning' portrait: surely a wonderful thing!

Let's see what our lad has to say for himself now! He ignores David again, and contacts Roger:

Quote:

Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email and the content herein is duly noted. Sir, someone must have hacked into your email and changed the banking details l provided to you. Remember Mr. Habana is here in South Africa, how come someone gave you a bank account in the United State?. There must be something wrong here.

Below are the banking details l gave to you:

Bank Name: First National Bank of South Africa (FNB)
Account #: [redacted and piggied]
Acc Holder’s Name: *****
Branch Code: 200155
Swift Code: FIRNZAJJ
Address: JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA.

Kindly respond urgently today and send the payment to the above account..

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Mr. Richard Ëtemesi,
Chief Executive: SC BSA

But Roger is having none of this! The thought of his lovely portrait being proven a fake has got Roger riled, to say nothing of the money...and, of course, by definition this is all the lad's fault...

Quote:

Mr Ëtemesi;

Surely you don't imagine that I'm such a fool as to send good money flying off after bad! This is your fault, sir! Every bit of it! I am furious, and the Dägon Society are if possible even angrier than I am!

The payment of $7817 USD which I sent to 'Mr Bryan Habana's' account on your instructions has been cashed and is irrecoverable. I do not accept your feeble excuse as to your email supposedly being 'hacked'. If this was the case, how would the supposed 'hacker' know about Mrs Johnson and the portrait? Where would they have obtained Ms Wolleck's sketch to work from? Do you think I was born yesterday?

No, sir, it is simply not good enough. If you have not obtained that money and it really has been obtained under false pretenses by a third party then I expect you to do something about recovering it, sir! Who is the banker here - you or me?

If you truly have been 'hacked' then the state of your email security is a disgrace. It does not inspire confidence with you or your bank in me or in the Dägon Society, sir! I tell you with candor that we are considering approaching the executors of Mrs Johnson's estate to ask that her affairs be transferred to the management of a more competent agent.

I expect a formal and humble hand-written apology from you, accepting full responsibility for this disastrous incident, by return email. Otherwise not a penny more will you ever see from us.

Roger.

PS: From inquiries made via the Internet, it transpires that 'Bryan Habana' is some sort of South African sportsperson and not a visual artist at all. How dare you, sir?

And, well, that's the current state of play as I write this. It's going on 11 AM in Lagos, so perhaps our lad will be stirring soon...

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:29 am

Nice portrait. Laughing

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:56 am

^ I was gonna get one of my kids to do it, but I reckoned I could do a 'better' job myself... Wink

If I ever hear back from this lad I'm gonna demand one of his own in return as an 'apology'...that oughta be worth seeing...