Fooling with the Feds

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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 9:08 am

After what's passed twixt Cammy and the FBI, it'd be a surprise if she didn't have a file marked "troublemaker"...

It began with a demand for a "Currency Export Clearance Permission certificate", and before you could say "James B Comey" Cammy was writing to a Mr Kenneth at the "office presidency", who explained:

Quote:

YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED BASED ON RECOMMENDATION OF FBI YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO APPLY FOR THE MENTIONED CERTIFICATE. HOWEVER, THE PROCESSING PROCEDURES OF OBTAINING THE CERTIFICATE IS STATED BELLOW!
(1) YOU HAVE TO SEND TO US A COPY OF YOUR VALID ID OR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT.
(2) THE OFFICIAL LEVY OF THE APPLICATION IS TOTAL SUM OF US$2,150 NEITHER YOU WIRE THE MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT THEN THE ACCOUNT OWNER WILL APPLY FOR A BANK DRAFT AND PRESENT TO THE CASHIER DESK FOR A RECEIPT OF ISSUING THE CERTIFICATE.
IF YOU MEET UP THE ABOVE MENTIONED REQUIREMENT THE CERTIFICATE WILL BE ISSUED AND SEND TO YOU BY POST OR ALTERNATIVELY BY EMAIL ATTACHMENT. ADVICE SO PAYMENT DETAILS WILL BE FORWARED TO YOU.

Cammy refused to copy her passport, and Mr K was surprisingly agreeable with her passport number instead, while explaining that $2,150 would have to go to an account at Deutsche Bank [reported]. After a couple of days' delay, Cammy supplied her passport number, and asked as an afterthought,

Quote:

Please send the official bill for the clearance charge.

I wasn't surprised by this:

Quote:

WE ACKNOWLEDGED THE RECEIPT OF YOUR EMAIL TOGATHER WITH YOUR PASSPORT NUMBER. THE OFFICIAL BILL FOR THE CLEARENCE CHARGES IS TOTAL SUM OF OF US$2,150 AS WE INITIALLY DIRECTED ONCE YOU SEND THE CHARGES ON THE BANK ACCOUNT STATED BELLOW, WE WILL COMMENCE THE PROCESS IMMEDIATELY.

Cammy was icily polite.

Quote:

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I'll try again.
Please send me the official bill for the clearance charge.

The Lad chose to nitpick:

Quote:

TO CLARIFY YOUR DEMANDS, YOU ARE PAYING FOR THE PROCURING OF CURRENCY EXPORT CLEARANCE PERMISSION CERTIFICATE AND NOT A CLEARENCE CHARGES WHAT YOU WILL RECEIVE AFTER THE PAYMENT IS CURRENCY EXPORT CLEARANCE PERMISSION CERTIFICATE IN FAVOR OF RELEASING OF YOUR BELONGINGS. SO DEMANDING FOR OFFICIAL BILL FOR THE CLEARANCE CHARGES IS NOT WHAT YOU SUPPOSE TO ASKED FOR BECASUE YOU ARE PAYING FOR A CURRENCY EXPORT CLEARANCE PERMISSION CERTIFICATE. PLEASE CORRECT AND PROCEED WITH THE PAYMENT ON THE GIVEN BANK ACCOUNT FOR THE ISSUING OF THE CERTIFICATE.

Quote:

It seems I wasn't clear enough.
Please send me the bill for the fee charged to obtain the Currency Export Clearance Permission Certificate.

So the Lad tried the old "Don't you know who you are talking to?" modality:

Quote:

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY. YOU HAVE THE ACCOUNT WHICH WAS FORWARDED TO YOU, YOU KNOW THE AMOUNT FOR THE OBTAINING OF THE CERTIFICATE, SO ONCE YOU REMIT THE CHARGES ON THE GIVEN ACCOUNT FORWARD A SLIP TO US TO ENABLE US COMMENCE THE ISSUING PROCESS OF THE CERIFICATE.

Goodbye icy politeness!

Quote:

I don't give a flying fuck who you are. There's a right way to do this - my way. Send me the bill for the fee charged to obtain the Currency Export Clearance Permission Certificate.

The Lad was strangely subdued in response:

Quote:

HOW COULD I SEND YOU THE BILL FOR THE CHARGED?

Quote:

That's not a serious question. There is no way that can be a serious question. For a fee or charge of any kind, there has to be a bill or invoice of some kind.
Send me the bill (or invoice) for the fee charged to obtain the Currency Export Clearance Permission Certificate.

No bad language to Mr K, but the FBI guy copped some.

Quote:

That dipshit Kenneth is being an asshole. I'm asking for a bill (which I'm entitled to) and he's acting like I'm demanding the impossible! What in Freyja's name is his problem?

The FBI's response?

Quote:

You deserve the right to ask for the invoice, they have been notified because is your right and you will surly get it from them, the purpose of what you asked for has to be written for record purpose.

Who says politeness pays?

Next up - the great payment slip saga...

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 4:10 pm

Nice!

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 8:38 pm

Quote:

... and you will surly get it from them...

Freudian slip perhaps? Smile

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 10:55 am

An invoice duly (and dully) arrived.

Quote:

ATTACH IS THE INVOICE WHICH INDICATE PURPOSE OF THE BILL FOR THE PROCURING OF THE CURRENCY EXPORT CLEARANCE PERMISSION CERTIFICATE. KINDLY CONFIRM THE RECEIPT AND FOLLOW UP THE INSTRUCTION TO COMMENCE THE ISSUING PROCESS

You're right there Ted, "surly" it turned out to be!

Cammy was sweetness and light.

Quote:

Why didn't you do that before? It would have been so simple and I wouldn't have brought the FBI on your ass!
I'll be doing the banking tomorrow, so it's all good now.

That improves Mr. K's attitude:

Quote:

WE ACKNOWLEDGED THE RECEIPT OF YOUR EMAIL AND APOLOGIZE FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING.

Two days later, Cammy sends good news.

Quote:

Well, things should be kewl now as I sent that fee, so it's over to you.

But the next day, two messages arrive, just over two hours apart:

Quote:

THE PAYMENT HAS NOT BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED. KINDLY SEND THE TRANSFER SLIP FOR RAPID CONFIRMATION AND ISSUING OF CURRENCY EXPORT CLEARANCE PERMISSION CERTIFICATE.

Quote:

THE PAYMENT HAS NOT BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED YET. KINDLY SEND THE TRANSFER SLIP FOR RAPID CONFIRMATION.

Cammy is puzzled.

Quote:

What do you mean "transfer slip"?

Mr K keeps his temper - for now:

Quote:

WHEN YOU TRANSFER MONEY VIA BANK TO BANK, THE BANK WILL ISSUE YOU A TRANSFER RECEIPT. SO FORWARD A TRANSFER SLIP WHICH SHOWS THAT YOU TRANSFERRED THE MONEY TO THE GIVEN ACCOUNT.

Cammy is incredulous.

Quote:

Dewd... that is so last century - by Freyja's tears, it's so last millennium! Paper slips just don't exist any more. How can you not know that?

Stuck in explanatory mode:

Quote:

WELL TRANSFER SLIP EXIST UNLESS THE MONEY IS NOT WIRED, ONCE YOU REMIT MONEY FROM ONE BANK TO ANOTHER THERE MOST BE A PROOF OF THE TRANSFER WHICH WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU BY THE REMITTED BANK.

Quote:

I thought banks in America would at least be as advanced as the banks in Australia. I had no idea they'd be stuck in Third World mode! Anyway, it shouldn't matter; when the money arrives you'll know it's from me - you won't need some stupid piece of paper to tell you that, will you?

Will he stay calm?

Quote:

FROM WHICH BANK THE MONEY WAS TRANSFERRED FROM AND COUNTRY. WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE BANK AND COUNTRY OF THE BANK BECASUE TRANSACTION CODE NEEDS TO BE GIVEN TO YOU IN REGARDS TO THE SENT AMOUNT.

Quote:

National Australia Bank in Australia.

Quote:

WE NOTED THE BANK NAME BUT NOT YET CONFIRMED THE TRANSFER AND NO PROOF TO TRACE AS NONE WAS SENT TO US REGARDS THE TRANSFER.

So Cammy has a suggestion.

Quote:

Why don't you contact the NAB and ask them? You must have the authority. You work for the President!

Next up - things go wrong and the FBI returns!

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 2:58 pm

I can't imagine what could possibly go wrong with a 100% risky free bank transfer. Cool

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 7:35 am

Freyja will make sure everything is going to be fine.

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:29 am

The day after Cammy's last email, Mr K replied tersely:

Quote:

IT IS CLEAR THAT NO MONEY WAS SENT.

Cammy stood her ground.

Quote:

Then contact the NAB and ask them why. You've got the power; just use it.

That drew a lengthy response:

Quote:

WE ARE NOT READY FOR THIS IN-MATURED COMMUNICATION, HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT SOMEONE COULD INTERVENE IN ANOTHER PERSONS ACCOUNT? YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO CONTACT YOUR BANK AND COMPLAINED THAT THE MONEY YOU SENT TO THE GIVEN ACCOUNT HAS NOT BEEN RECEIVED. MEANWHILE, YOU CANNOT SEND OUT MONEY WITHOUT BANK GIVEN YOU A TELEX COPY AS A PROOF OF THE SENT MONEY IS ONLY WITH THE TELEX COPY THE MONEY COULD BE TRACE BY THE RECEIVING BANK.

Quote:

Dude, they didn't give me any paper! By Freyja's tears, do try to keep up skippy! And this is a matter of law enforcement and security, so you can ask anyone you like!

It couldn't last:

Quote:

WE DO NOT HAVE TIME TO WASTE PLEASE.

Quote:

Neither do I.

Suddenly the FBI was back!

Quote:

We acknowledged a report from the presidency indicated that you have not comply for the procuring of the Currency Export Clearance Permission, according to the report we are informed that you are trying to apply sentiment by given them wrong transfer information without a proof of transfer. You should note that is based on the certificate we kept calm. So explain!

Cammy did explain!

Quote:

I did what was asked and Kenneth can't be fucked picking up the phone and calling the NAB to find out that the payment was made; and he asked for proof that doesn't exist any more. By Skadhi's frozen teeth, that dipshit thinks that banks still hand out paper! So stop blaming me for Kenneth's stupidity, OK?

The agent tried soft words:

Quote:

Once payment is made via bank to bank transfer you most have to fill a transfer form then reserve your copy in case the receiver did not received it, is the copy you will use to trace the transfer. So scan a copy and send to Mr. Kenneth since they have not received the payment.

I doubt that Cammy's reply was well taken.

Quote:

That's not how it's done any more. Your wife must do all the banking or else you'd know that.

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:39 am

Telexes lol.

Where are we - 1985? Shocked

Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 4:43 pm

^One of my lads also demanded a "telex confirmation". I told him my bank doesn't use a telex machine since 30 years ago.

Is it some bank jargon and by "telex" they mean some other device? Or is it usual lad idiocy? Cool