Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 5:02 pm

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably drunk

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 8:56 pm

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…so the driver happily

munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..

Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?

Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth..

Driver: Then why do you buy them?

Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around
them!

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly after, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

My teacher said

http://scamwarners.com/main//guestupload/19016window.jpeg

Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2016 3:08 am

SENIOR DRIVER

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

Laughing

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," she screamed at him! "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids."

Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2016 7:29 pm

Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 7:25 pm

A man walks into a bar one night . He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that will be 1 cent.”
“one penny?” exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, “Yes.”
So, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could i have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.” where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says , “What’s he doing with your wife ? “
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

Jeremy Corbyn goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of
Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells
the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for
£5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come
back to the undertaker and tell him they want Jeremy shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship
him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the
deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly'.

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2016 6:29 pm

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 8:59 pm

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

Entertainer Ronnie Corbett, best known for The Two Ronnies, has died aged 85, his publicist has said.

Here are some of his best jokes:

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.

French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.

West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.

We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

Read this review from Amazon before using veet Very Happy

Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
ByJohn W. Osborne Jr.on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-

Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2016 7:06 pm

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00”.
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her…being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be
$25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

A male fairy story

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after....
...and rode motorcycles
...and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women,
...and hunted and fished
...and raced cars, and went to titty bars
...and dated ladies half his age

...and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan,
...and never heard bitching
...and never paid child support or alimony,
...and dated cheerleaders
...and kept his house and guns,
...and ate spam and potato chips and beans,
...and blew enormous farts,
...and never got cheated on while he was at work,
...and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell,
...and he had tons of money in the bank,
...and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2016 5:13 pm

No one believes seniors . .. . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back..

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..........

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, we’re outta here!

Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 5:17 pm

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 905

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back:
"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER"

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW."

Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2016 6:55 am

A man sees a dead man lying by the side of the road and quickly calls 911

Man:
HELP! I JUST FOUND A DEAD GUY BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!

911:
Are you sure he's dead?

Man:
*gunshot*

Man:
Now what do I do?

Posted: Tue May 10, 2016 2:01 am

After his recent Prostate Exam at the VA hospital,

which was one of the most thorough examinations he'd ever had,

the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked him a question he didn't want to hear....

She said...."Who Was That Guy?"

Laughing

Posted: Tue May 10, 2016 3:48 am

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the
way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.
Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that
down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and
remembering what I went in there for.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 18 May 2016 Posts: 6

What do fairies use to pay their bills?

ELFPOS.

Posted: Fri May 20, 2016 2:31 am

It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said

there would be a nip in the air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed -"Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got six journeys instead of four for a pound, one elderly gentleman, renowned for his frugality, even in a community where frugal folk are common, was still unhappy.
"It's all dam' foolishness," he declared. "Now we've got to walk to town six times instead of four times to save a pound!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the Scotsman who got caught making nuisance telephone calls? He kept reversing the charges.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, he passed it on saying "Season ticket."

Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2016 2:46 am

A little girl walks up to the preacher and says,

"When I grow up and get a job, I'm going to give you some money."

He says,

"That's very sweet of you, but why?"

She says,

"Cause my Daddy said that you were the poorest preacher that we have ever had."

Laughing

Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:59 am

Bob ask Bill if he was going to Sonny's funeral

He said, "No!"

Bob, "Why?"

Bill, "he ain't coming to mine!"

Laughing

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