Like shooting fish in a barrel

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Posted: Thu May 21, 2015 9:20 pm

My current Evil Attorney lad is killing me. He's hilarious AND screws everything up so badly that 1) he's wasting more of his time than I am and 2) I can slap him as hard and as often as I want. A couple highlights:

After he left the postal code off the address he sent me for shipping his $1M in bearer bonds:
"You stupid fuck, you don't even know the fucking address in your own fucking country? I can't get a price quote without the postal code.
Fucking moron. What's the rest of the fucking address? You're wasting my time."

When he gave me the address of a UPS office as the delivery point:
"Fucking UPS and their fucking useless fucking forms. I need to fill out the one I attached. See box #2 for the consignee? That's you and when I gave them the address you gave me, that won't work. It's their own fucking office and it needs to be a residential address unless I'm shipping to a business and there are whole shitload of fucking forms for that. I need a real address, I don't care whose it is. DON'T USE YOURS. I doubt anybody gives a shit, but use something else that is an actual address. NOT A BUSINESS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? They have a fucking database of this shit.I don't care it it's the local whorehouse or the hut of the dumbass prophet you went to, I just something that will work. Get it to me right away and I can go to the fucking airport AGAIN. This is starting to be not fucking worth it, I should keep the money myself."

After he gave me a fake address and forgot the postal code again:
"What the fuck? THERE IS NO POSTAL CODE AGAIN.
I'm about ready to just tell you to fuck off, why are you playing games with me like this? Are you DARING me not to pay you?
And I don't find a street by that name anywhere in a search. If it's not a real address, this isn't going to work. If I can't find the fucking place in google earth I'm not wasting my time to go to UPS again just because YOU are fucking with me.
You're testing the end of my patience, little man. Get this right or you can fucking starve to death. Fuck with me one more time and you'll never see a fucking penny."

After he bitched about the delay:
"Go back and read what I said and no, YOU ARE THE ONE fucking this up. How many times to I have to tell you that a postal code is needed? What kind of moron are you? How many times do I have to tell you that you can SEND to the UPS office but you need a real address on the form that I FUCKING SENT YOU.
Why would I make this shit up? And why did you make up a bullshit address in Lagos that you KNOW isn't real. Why are YOU delaying this? Do you not WANT your money? I need an address for the form NOW. It doesn't need to be your house, nobody is sending anything there, I just need for the form I sent you. Can't your read that?
One more chance, you idiot, and I'm gone and you get nothing. You behave like your playing games when there's a million bucks waiting for you. Unbelievable."

Lad to me:
"I just saw the form now i never new you sent in form to me i apologies
for that but i still want you to help me, can`t you see i have not
done anything with UPS before and i don`t have any idea on how they
operate so you don`t have to blame me my friend.
OK here is a resident address you can make use of this one:
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (a hotel in Lagos)
If this is not enough you can list the details out for me so i can
send it to you i don`t want any delays in this partner."

Me to lad:
"What part of "not a business" did you not understand? Why do I have to tell you everything twice you fucking moron? That address is a hotel. You don't want any more forms and having a commercial address on there means a SHITLOAD of them. QUITE FUCKING AROUND."

This has been going on for days. My new favorite lad ever.

Posted: Thu May 21, 2015 11:12 pm

Excellent example of "Taking control over the bait" Laughing

419Eater is my life Joined: 26 Jan 2014 Posts: 262

Quote:

What kind of moron are you?

I share your anger - bait on.

Posted: Tue May 26, 2015 6:40 pm

Using the holiday weekend as a delay with EPIC results.

-----

Indignant me to lad:
Well congratulations you stupid fuck. This is a 3-day holiday weekend (memorial day, look it up if you don't believe me). You have managed to fuck around and delay this enough to push this out to NEXT FUCKING TUESDAY because EVERYTHING IS FUCKING CLOSED.

Why are you doing this? Don't you want the money? You don't make any sense at all.

If I don't see a REAL ADDRESS with a house number and a street name and a city and a postal code when I get back to this fucking computer cafe on Monday, YOU WILL GET NOTHING. That should be simple enough for even YOU to understand.

There are tree trunks here that are smarter than you

---

Lad to me:
Mr. Gomez i will not even say a word to you any more but you don`t
know what you are playing with don`t even think you will be alive to
eat that money cause if is what you have in mind then you have failed
already just wash and see continue misbehaving ADAM i don`t have much
to tell you again but i promise you this you will here from me.

---

Me to lad:
This shithole cafe finally opens up and you send me THIS? I've been running around this fucking island for a fucking week and you THREATEN me? You tell me I won't be alive when I hold YOUR riches and have worked so hard to get them to you? You truly are the stupidest Nigerian in history.

Fine then, you want to play that game? Then fuck you. I'm calling your bluff, you moron. Come and fucking get me. I don't know what I'm playing with? I'm playing with an idiot who just went too far. You threaten my life AGAIN and expect me to send you a fucking penny? Are you fucking insane or just so brainless that you can't fucking function?

Okay, let me hear from you. Come and kill me. You know that's all bullshit, but you're the one stupid enough to say it. I'll even make it easy for you. I'm at the La Manumea Resort in Apia. I'm in executive suite number 11. (Real resort, bullshit room number) You're such a genius and have all your contacts and all your bullshit African Magic. Then come and get your fucking money. I fly out on Friday, that should be plenty of time to send someone to my hotel and kill me, don't you think?

Unbelievable. You could have had more money than you've ever imagined and you delayed and delayed and fucked around and ran me around and then were enough of a brainless fucking fool to THREATEN me? Fuck you and your mother.

I'm here until Friday. I'm waiting to die.

Fucking idiot.

---

I really am an evil S.O.B.

Laughing

Posted: Tue May 26, 2015 6:46 pm

I love a lad you can slap a lot.

Nice work!

Posted: Tue May 26, 2015 6:50 pm

I can't wait to publish this one. Brutality at ever turn.

Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 11:23 pm

So the lad kept sending me bullshit addresses, mostly in panic, and finally admitted that he was scared.

Incoming.

-----

Me to lad:
You wasted two fucking weeks of MY TIME because you were worried about your fucking address? And you didn't TELL ME? You sent me LIES FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS. What the fuck?

Didn't I warn you about pissing me off? Well now YOU can fucking wait. I had to change my flight out of here to Monday, so I'm sending it THEN when I go to the fucking airport. After all your bullshit and lies, I'm not wasting another fucking trip so you can just wait until I'm good and fucking ready. You can spend the time fucking some sort of farm animal you lying fuck. Or your sister, I don't give a shit.

And don't think you're going to get the whole amount, asshole. My time is WORTH MONEY and I'll send you what I feel like sending. Keep pissing me off and that number will keep getting smaller.

Fucking unbelievable.

-----

Lad to me (groveling):
Now you have a good address please do this once and for all Mr. Law so
we can all be happy i know that i have delayed this but i still want
you to understand please do make use of this one OK i have already
corrected the mistake in there so please do this for me you have your
so please let me have my Mr. Law.

----

I'm going to let him stew until Monday while I conjure up another layer of insanity. A double double-cross? Beats me, best have a beer and a tequila for inspiration.

Posted: Fri May 29, 2015 6:48 pm

Insanity conjured...hehehe.

Me to lad: Change of plans, I have to get out of here sooner than Monday. It appears that the lawyer I used to convert the money to bearer bonds has put the word out about me and there are people coming to Samoa that I do NOT want to find me. The good news for you is that you'll get your share a whole shitload faster than if I had shipped it to you on Monday.

I'm going off the grid until Sunday when I fly out. 56 fucking hours to get to fucking Nigeria. Fucking third world country bullshit.

I'm arriving in Lagos from Doha, Qatar at 1:05 on Tuesday. Qatar Airways flight 1415. Meet me there and I'll fucking HAND you your money and be done with this. I fly out to Maurities at 8:50 the same night so don't fuck up and miss me.

Posted: Fri May 29, 2015 8:57 pm

Oh yeah.

Lad to me: I am not surprised at all but let me ask you what Airport do you want
me to cash up with you cause we have so many Airport in Lagos, and i
want you to know that if you

have come in peace so be it so we meet on Tuesday. I want to let you
know that we have a deal Mr Law
----
I have every confidence that I'm going to get diverted to Port Harcourt, 300 miles away. I wonder if he has a car?

Edit: Holy crap, it's like the universe is aligning itself so that I can beat this lad into a quivering mass (300 miles from home):

Weather report for Lagoss:
Tuesday 80% Precip. / 0.17 in
Scattered thunderstorms in the morning becoming more widespread in the afternoon. High 87F. Winds SW at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 80%.
Tuesday Night 80% Precip. / 0.13 in
Partly cloudy skies early. Thunderstorms likely late. Low 77F. Winds WSW at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 80%

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