Guyman Hospital: a story for anyone who can write*

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 11:45 am

Fake Sandra groaned, "I can't believe this shit."

Just then, Dr. Solusi came running out of a nearby cave and shouted excitedly, "Look what I found! Look what I found."

Everyone ran to the cave, and Dr. Solusi excitedly showed them...

***
Meanwhile, Fourscin and Bluffo were planning their escape.

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 1:13 pm

Everyone ran to the cave, and Dr. Solusi excitedly showed them a Monster Truck - the kind with wheels two metres high - painted in lurid psychedelic swirly colours.
Solusi and Terkefiele and the GoAG were drooling; Colonel Sliseyerdickoff, Sergeant Runemoff and Corporal Shootemoff were staring in wide-eyed rapture.
Melissa, Tula and Fake Sandra looked in amazement at the menfolk, and Tula muttered, "Boys and their toys..."
Melissa replied, "Isn't it funny that this shows up just after the bus loses its tyres?"

Meanwhile, Fourscin and Bluffo were planning their escape. Or rather, Fourscin was planning, and Bluffo was actually doing something about it.
"All I have to do is to slip out of the chains... I'll just put my right foot under my left armpit and twitch my left buttock... I'm free in a minute!"

While Fourscin was plotting aloud as if to an audience,* Bluffo was able to discreetly reach into his left boot and retrieve

*Given that I'm loosely paraphrasing a scene from a Goon show episode, it's not surprising.

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 6:28 pm

Bluffo was able to discreetly reach into his left boot and retrieve The tube of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly he had been saving for just the right moment. It was warm and did the job nicely.

:Voice over announcer: "Vaseline Petroleum Jelly has many uses and we have just seen one of them. Imagine all of the uses there are for such a versatile product. Let your imagination go wild.

Vaseline Petroleum Jelly in sizes from a squeeze tube to the giant two liter size for those really big jobs.

Vaseline Petroleum Jelly available on line or at your favorite pharmacy." :end voice over:

"What the heck was that?" Shouted Fourscin, not realizing ...

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 8:02 pm

... that the years of staring at screens and taking hallucinogenic drugs had finally taken the last of his sanity. He wasn't equipped to deal with this right now. He wasn't sure many others would be able to do so either.

Fourscin looked around nervously, seeing how the others were reacting. It seemed as if they weren't.

Oh great... it's finally happened. I guess I have no choice but to...

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:45 pm

Oh great... it's finally happened. I guess I have no choice but to get my left hand behind my right knee... twitch my nose three times... get my left foot behind my head... I'll be free in a second!

"You silly twisted boy," said a languid voice.
Bluffo had managed to get his hands out of the manacles, and he quickly grasped the chains to make it look as though he was still confined.
Fourscin, who now resembled a coroner's photograph of a game of solo Twister gone horribly wrong, tried to speak, but an announcement that supplies of Footo the Wonder Boot Exploder had just arrived drowned out his response of "

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:17 pm

...drowned out his response of "Um, we were just exercising."

Fourscin then did the only thing he knew how to do when in emergency situations. He screamed like a little girl. A scream that was so shrill, so piercing, so hard to describe that the chains exploded into little pieces and he and Bluffo found themselves free.

As the languid voice apparently had his/her hands over his/her ears, and whose eyes were shut in pain, Bluffo and Fourscin ran out the door.

As they escaped the cell and the building and ran outside, they saw...

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 11:23 am

As they escaped the cell and the building and ran outside, they saw a two-wheeled chariot with two thoats in the traces. It looked like a bizarre knockoff from Ben-Hur.
"Now that would be escaping in style!" bellowed Fourscin, and sprang into the chariot.
Bluffo tried to follow him, but as he did, the thoats gave a loud gronny* and sprang forward, leaving the clown hanging on by his fingertips. Fourscin gleefully grabbed a whip lying on the chariot's floor and with a "Yee-haw!" cracked it over the thoats' heads.
The effect was rather spoiled when the heavy tip caught him in the groin and he crumpled with a squeal that urged the thoats to even greater speed, and with no idea of where they were going, Fourscin and Bluffo headed for the inevitable

*Thoats resemble horses, but sound very different.

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 1:40 pm

...for the inevitable Western Union Corporate Headquarters. It was time. All their plans were about to come to fruition.

Everything had been a buildup to this... The Guyman Hospital, The Starbucks, the Cave. Everything.

Now was time for their plan to take flight.

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 9:45 pm

Now was time for their plan to take flight. But since it was also coming to fruition, and mixed metaphors make for confusion, the plan and the inevitable Western Union Corporate Headquarters didn't survive the impact.

The shoddily built cardboard and scrap timber replica fell apart, leaving a pile of debris in the jungle, and

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 5:42 am

...and a watched kettle that will never boil.

Visions of MTCNs were dancing through their heads like sugar plumbs. It was a giddy time of quiet celebration and Hi-fiveing. It looks like the planets are aligned and peace is ruling the planets.

If only there were a few more metaphors to toss around...

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 1:09 pm

If only there were a few more metaphors to toss around, they wouldn't have missed seeing the sugar plume fairies throwing plums that hit them plumb in the faces and made Fourscin lose control of the chariot - not that he had gained control in the first place - and the chariot careered wildly on through Moneygram and Ria, leaving destruction in its wake.

Penelope Quill sighed. Her father so loved intricate and complicated plots that relied in estravagant coincidences - and they seemed to work. This one, though, was pushing the limits, and

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 4:22 pm

and she doubted the studios would want to do make a sequel.

Meanwhile, back at the cave, Fake Sandra was looking over the Monster Truck, and trying to figure out if they could all ride in it at the same time, since the but was now useless.

Dr. Solusi was also doing calculations, and according to his math, they would all fit.

"But first we need to rescue Fourscin and that clown," Tula glumly said.

"Shit, that's right," replied Melissa. "I guess we better get a rescue party organized...

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 5:56 pm

"I guess we better get a rescue party organized, after all Fourscin has lost his mind and you all know what will happen if we leave him alone..."

Melissa looked to Dr. Solusi and Fake Sanda, knowing that they agreed. She however had an extra thought tickling her mind.

"Are we sure this Monster Truck will even run properly, I mean it is sitting in a cave...

Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 7:00 pm

"There's one way to find out!" said Fake Sandra.

And with that being said, she climbed up into the Monster Truck, started the engine, checked the gauges, and gave a thumbs-up to Melissa.

"Now for a test drive," Fake Sandra said. And with that, she squealed tires and roared out of the cave.

"Wow!" said Dr. Solusi. "She can sure handle that truck. I just hope that...

Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 3:03 am

"Wow!" said Dr. Solusi. "She can sure handle that truck. I just hope that she doesn't drive over a mine..."
As it turned out, Fake Sandra did drive over a mine, but it had been abandoned long ago, when the mother lode had been worked out.

Pater Perker politely posed a question to Melissa as the others were watching the truck wreak havoc on the landscape.
"Why do you want to rescue Fourscin, who was rated Most Unwanted for eight of the last ten years? He missed out on the full decade only because of that Brother Feltcher!"
Melissa didn't know about "that Brother Feltcher". She chose not to ask about "that Brother Feltcher". Instead she told Pater Perker, "Solusi is a friend of Fourscin and he'd insist on a rescue."

Meanwhile, the chariot with Fourscin and Bluffo had somehow crossed two dried-up watercourses, thus going from one ex-stream to another, when

Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:00 pm

when..."STOP" said a voice, and the throats and the chariot screeched to a halt.

"What in the hell?" muttered Fourscin.

"Papers, please!" a robotic voice demanded.

"What in the hell is right," said Bluffo. "Where is that voice coming from."

That is when they noticed a very large robot approaching them.

"Papers, please!" it repeated.

"What do we need papers for?" asked Fourscin.

"To prove you are citizens," replied the robot.

"Suppose we aren't?" sniffled Bluffo.

The robot replied, "Then...

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 11:21 am

The robot replied, "Then you will be denied the right to respiration."
That galvanised Fourscin into action. He grabbed out his notebook and began a rant against the denial of basic human rights, which could bring about a damaging lawsuit...
However, the robot's sensors easily blocked the dazzling colour scheme, and the concept of "human rights" was disregarded.
"Your refusal has been noted by the CLAP.* Prepare for judgement and sentence."
Fourscin put his hands on his hips and assumed a position of disdainful arrogance, but Bluffo, lacking that quality, decided to

*Cybernetic Legal Authority Program.

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 2:03 pm

decided to...make a run for it.

And gosh, was that clown fast. But not fast enough.

The robot fired a laser beam which knocked Bluffo down. Thankfully, the beam was only set on "stun" and not on "kill" or "seriously maim."

"I've had enough!" shouted Fourscin. Fourscin then grabbed his notebook and wrote down how Bluffo's constitutional rights had been violated, and how the robot had not fired a warning shot first.

As Fourscin was furiously writing in his notebook...

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 9:52 pm

As Fourscin was furiously writing in his notebook, the robot retracted its laser* weapon** and shot a net from its chest-mounted weapon pack over Fourscin.
"You are in breach of Civic Code 419, namely, optical assault with intent to harm or confuse, and you are hereby placed under arrest."
Picking up the furiously struggling barrister, the robot spun in place and strode away, leaving Bluffo to wonder why other places didn't have that law.

*It actually stands for Lethal And Subduing Enabled Ray.
**If you've seen Predator, you'll understand how that worked.

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:17 pm

Leaving Bluffo to wonder...

But Bluffo quickly dismissed that thought and sprang into action. And I do mean sprang into action, dear readers.

Bluffo snapped his fingers and a pogo stick appeared. He snapped his other fingers and a can of "Instant Rust" appeared as well.

Bluffo jumped on his pogo stick, and in his hand, he had the can of "Instant Rust" ready.

He jumped over the top of the robot (who was holding the struggling Fourscin) and sprayed the "Instant Rust."

As the name implies, it causes instant rust. The robot rusted and was unable to move, and it released Fourscin.

Fourscin jumped on the pogo stick alongside Bluffo and they bounced and bounced towards the cave.

After a few hours, they bounced themselves back to the cave and were greeted by Melissa and our other heroes.

Suddenly...

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:49 am

Suddenly Bluffo fell off the pogo stick, crying out in pain, causing Fourscin to fall headlong into the GoAG. Both ended up in a pile of bat poop, which seemed to everyone present to be totally appropriate.
Doctor Solusi was about to help Fourscin when he looked at Bluffo and cried out, "What happened to your hands?"
Everyone (except Fourscin and the GoAG, who were struggling in the bat poop), saw that Bluffo's fingers were bent horribly out of shape.
"I snapped my fingers," Bluffo replied weakly. "I had to do that to get the pogo stick and the Instant Rust..."
That remark meant nothing to anyone else, because no-one else there knew about Ozhodi Ozoja, the Great Fool, the Clown God, who demanded weird sacrifices, and

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 4:13 pm

^^^I see what you did there with the snapping fingers thing. You little devil!

…the Clown God, who demanded weird sacrifices, and who wore a bright orange wig, and had a huge red nose.

Ozhodi demanded perfection from his clowns, and if you weren’t a great clown, then he had no use for you. There was once a clown named Buzo, and though he was once a great clown, he fell out of favor with Ozhodi. As did Ronuld McDonuld the Clown, who really fell out of favor.

Ozhodi was do disgusted with those two that he...

Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:21 pm

Ozhodi was do disgusted with those two that he and his nose started changing color. Then his nose started flashing like a strobe light. Smoke started coming from his hair, but then it looked like snakes.

He then pointed at them and flames shot from his finger tips. Blue flames turning orange, then violet. It was obvious that Ozhodi didn't have much control over the flames because...

Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:43 am

It was obvious that Ozhodi didn't have much control over the flames because they went deep purple, electric blue, and a whiter shade of pale before they blew back up his nose and out of his ears. With the stench of burning nostril and nasal hair mixed with charred earwax and singed snot filling the air, Ozhodi sighed and went back to juggling chainsaws.

Fake Sandra recalled that the first-aid kit was still on the bus, so with everyone packed in the Monster Truck (with the GoAG and Fourscin perched on the tailgate to keep the stench away), she drove rapidly to where they had left the bus, only to find

Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2015 11:09 am

only to find that the bus was gone.

Fake Sandra knew this was the right cave, and she could clearly see the tire tracks.

But the bus was gone. As she stood there in disbelief, the cave wall began to shimmer...

Guyman Hospital: a story for anyone who can write*	View next topic View previous topic