Guyman Hospital: a story for anyone who can write*

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Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 4:28 am

A chance comment on Skype chat sparked this idea.

Quote:

You got me wondering how Lads cope with magas who just don't get it...I conceived the image of a clinic for Lads who've broken under the strain.
And then... it's a short step to the soapie: "Guyman Hospital".**

This is intended as a cooperative writing effort as in the (sadly deleted) Single Sentence Random Story or the Single Sentence Random Cluedo. The only rules are these:

[1] Any names derived from existing baiter characters or Lads must be misspelled, as in (say) Camilie Wyte or Malcom Renulds.

[2] Don't kill off major characters - humiliation is a preferred option with Lads. Hell, it's what we do.

[3] The events are set in the city of Logon in the country of Larceni, at the Usman Bello Clinic for Depressed Guys.

* Or not, as it happens

** Props to Padme and Sweet Poison for that inspiration

Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 4:42 am

GUYMAN HOSPITAL

Chapter One

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind that swept up the streets (for it is in Logon that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness, for (inevitably) the power had gone off again, and traders who had lamps for sale were making money.

Doctor Chamido Solusi fought his way out of an overcrowded taxi that was half Honda, half VW Beetle, tripped over a prostrate goat, stood up cursing, and strode into the reception area of the Uzman Belloh Clinic for Depressed Guys, unaware that the goat had followed him inside.

Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 5:32 am

Ignoring the background noise from the locked wards, the constant "Give me the MTCN" "call the Barrister" moans and cries, he gathered up todays files, and after a brief exchange of pleasantries with the svelte Swedish Nurse on duty, he strode purposefully towards his office and consultation rooms

The tip tap of the goat followed him down the tiled hallway, through the communal dining area, thankfully empty now, along the ever depressing dark green hallway

Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 6:55 am

"Well there you are" says the lunch lady to the goat. "I've been looking all over for you. Are you well?" The lunch lady raises her eyes to the doctor and says, "Are you lost, or just pretending to be?"

Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 7:14 am

Doctor Solusi drew himself to his full height, which actually wasn't all that impressive, and replied in a tone of supreme hauteur, "Do you know who I am?"

Linda Koffie (who actually served coffee - she had lucked out compared to the girl who was tasked with dishing out the non-sweet biscuits) gave a deep sigh. "Oh no, another amnesiac allowed out... Wait here, I'll get help."

419Eater is my life Joined: 27 Aug 2014 Posts: 482

As the lunch lady departed he could hear her fevered comments as she trudged down the hallway talking to the goat. Things were amiss in the hospital and he needed answers.

Doctor Solusi quickly turned his thoughts to other matters that had occurred earlier in the night, It had been years since he had graduated from Logon West higher education facility for Doctors and Businessmen but he still remembered his friend and mentor..........

Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 3:39 pm

…The General of all Generals. A big towering man, who was always accompanied by his aloof and dimwitted assistant Lupez Ali. The General had a mean temper and was known to curse and rant on the phone when he was disturbed at 2:00 a.m. by pranksters trying to order pizzas.

And he could never forget hearing about the General's conversation with Dr. Phil:

>>>GOAG_reallymad01.mp3<<<

Then there was the time that…

(off topic--does anyone by chance still have his number? I would love to call him again)

Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 10:21 pm

Lupez got lupus and put on women's clothing and hung around in bars. He would annoy patrons by tapping on tables and saying that the tables were actually trunkboxes full of cash. What brought things to a head was his belief that the Fiddle Hotel (a truly vile inn) was the diplomatic lodge at a small airport in neighbouring Kleptomania, and he needed $350 to be allowed to leave.

Dr Solusi reflected glumly that so many inmates at the clinic were former staff. He looked at the files and noted some sadly familiar names, such as

Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2015 11:13 pm

...Dr. Blassing. The good doctor was a man ahead of his time. Polished and articulate, he was easygoing and a very calm man.

Until a package he was waiting for was sent via some fourth-rate shipping company. He did not take it well.

>>>BlessingIsPissedOff.mp3<<<

The next morning, Dr. Blassing turned in his stethoscope and his badge and voluntarily committed himself to Room 4C, which was padded and soundproof. He has been there for the past three years, all alone and isolated. Wild eyes that remind one of Charles Manson. And all he mutters is DHL, DHL, DHL.

He had a visitor last year named...

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 12:15 am

Cujo Bond who had started screaming abuse the moment that he walked in the room.
"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE INTELLIGENT AND EDUCATED.BUT YOU HAVE JUST PROVED TO ME THAT YOU ARE A COMMON STREET THAWTH VERGABON AND A STUPID FOOL TO HAVE THIS NONSENSE REASONING!"

Security was called, and dragged him out, and his last words before he was committed on the spot were "YOU MUST BE ASHAMED OF YOUR STUPID DEAD LIVING CORPSE! YOU ARE A STUPID NICAMPO AND SUPPOSED TO GO AND HANG YOUR SELF INSTEAD OF CAUSING NUSANCE TO PEOPLE!"

Dr Solusi sighed, put the files back in his attache case, and headed for the

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 3:00 am

compound, where he noticed several of the families of those locked into the notorious "C" ward were building Okija style shrines, and gathering materials to enable the calling of the Spirits to help their kin.

He noticed a small herd of goats, a flock of poultry gathered into an untidy heap by one shrine, with preparations for the ritual slaughter and invocation of Baba Useman

Shuddering with revulsion at the barbaric practice he quickly exited the compound and walked briskly towards

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 4:07 am

...the nearest Mr. Bigg's down the street:

He had just ordered a goat meat and cheese taco (with french fries) when someone behind him tapped him lightly on the shoulder...

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 9:32 am

He kept a friendly expression, though he (like everyone else around) was flinching from the eye-blinding colours of his interlocutor's clothes - a vivid purple serge suit, a yellow and black polka dot tie, a green and mauve striped shirt, scarlet monogrammed boots, and an uncooked lwhite eather trilby with a sugar feather, the entire ensemble finished off by a pink hand-painted attaché case.

"Ah, Doctor Solusi, I was just passing by on my way to Freddy's Friendly Fish and Guns Shop for some smoked salmon and birdshot and I clapped eyes on you! What luck, I said, we still have unfinished business!"

Doctor Solusi sighed.

"Barrister Rumple Fourscin, the most egotistical fashion victim in history... and of all the fast food joints in Larceni, you walk into this one. I presume that by 'unfinished business' you mean

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 8:28 pm

“…that script I sold you that didn’t work? I have to be honest Barrister Fourscin—I thought that Hank Martinez acting as the director of that nuclear collider causing a black hole was awesome. And that you and he could “save” people from the doom by getting them to pay money for airline seats and othe funds to settle on a deserted island in the South Pacific.

But—as I told you at the time, scripts are not guaranteed!”

With a harumph, Dr. Solusiu paid for his order, and strode out the door. As he reached the sidewalk, he almost slipped and fell when he stepped in a fresh pile of dog shit.

As he backed up and inspected his shoe, another man walked by and slipped in the same pile of dog shit.

Dr. Solusi pointed at the pile of dog shit and exclaimed, “I just did that!” The other man shouted “you slob” and punched Dr. Solusi in the face.

Dr. Solusi staggered back, and adjusted his broken eyeglasses. As he gingerly felt his nose, a young woman approached him:

“Doctor Solusi, I don’t know if you remember me, but you will now. And she pulled out a…

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2015 11:41 pm

bullet* with his name on it, which she placed in his jacket pocket..

"I received this in the post, with instructions to hand it to you. The letter was signed "Twin Peaks"."

Twin Peaks... oh no, it's that hit woman, the gorgeous blonde with a cleavage you could ski down! What can this mean?

Then he saw her expression change from puzzlement to amused disgust, and he realised that he had been thinking out loud.

Watching this exchange from inside the Mr Biggs, Rumple Fourscin shook his head, rolled his eyes, and

*Actually it was a cartridge, but "bullet" sounds more threatening.

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 12:24 am

...walked outside.

And slipped in the same pile of dog shit!

"Son-of-a-bitch" he shouted. "What are the f**king odds? This could only happen in some goddamn internet forum!"

He then approached the woman and cleared his thoat.

"Hello, my dear. I would like to introduce myself."

And he whipped out his...

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 2:41 am

notebook, which was as dazzlingly coloured as his clothing.
"Barrister Rumple Fourscin, the greatest lawyer in Larceni... Any legal problem you may have, I can resolve, so what troubles you?"

Her response was initially gratifying, as she was clearly bedazzled, but then she said, "A Thoat is a kind of eight-legged horse native to Barsoom. How did you find one?"

Fourscin was momentarily lost for words* and tried to remember how he had found his thoat, but all that came to mind was

*This is a rare event.

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 4:33 am

...how in the hell do I clean off my shoe from that dog shit!

He walked towards the men's bathroom and wagged his finger to the lovely lady to follow him.

As he soaked his shoe in the toilet and washed his sock in the sink, he flashed her his famous grin and said "hey baby--did I ever tell you about the time I met..."

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 4:57 am

The lunch lady, undercover. And she has an annoying pet goat, but he can see in the dark and
baaahhhh

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 5:47 am

The woman smiled and said, "If you follow me I'll show you a secret only I know..."

Fourscin couldn't resist. Jamming his sodden sock and soaked shoe onto his foot, he stumbled after her, through the door to the ladies' toilet, where he was suddenly felled by a blow from a weighted banana.

He came to with his head in a toilet bowl, realising that he had just been given a swirly, and that his trousers were down around his ankles, and something had been

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 5:51 am

baaahhhh

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 5:54 am

all over him...
"Goat dung!" he roared. "That was her!"
Before he could even think of revenge, he had to think of an explanation for why he was crouching over a toilet in the ladies' loo, and the attendant was a former prison matron down on her luck and looking for an excuse to do something utterly

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 3:11 pm

disgusting and vile that words can't describe it. Something so horrible that even the most hardened sadist would cringe.

She would [blank] [blank] [blank] [blank] [blank] [blank]!

But instead she had a change of heart and felt pity for him. She helped him up, and did her best to help him clean himself up with the papertowels and what little soap there was in the bathroom.

As she straightened his tie, the PA system suddenly cackled.

"Paging Doctor Solusi. Paging Doctor Solusi. Code Green in room 37A. Code Green in room 37A.

Fourscin shouted "Oh no. Code Green! That can only mean one thing! I must get to Room 37A before Doctor Solusi because...

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 3:26 pm

if they're paging Solusi in a fast food joint, maybe there's been a mass food poisoning incident, and I can clean up bigtime!"

At that point the ex-matron changed her mind and her expression, grabbed his tie, and shouted, "You can clean up here, you pervert, so grab that bogbrush before I make you a bow tie with your balls!"

Doctor Solusi, meanwhile, was hurrying back to the clinic. Code 37 meant a serious problem in the Jokers Anonymous Support Group. What was the most repeated name there? Was it Camilie Wyte, or Rodjer Bardlet, or Mister Prikkie?

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 3:39 pm

(Dr. Solusi was paged at Mr. Biggs because everyone at the hospital knows he goes there several times a day)

...Doctor Solusi was still running those names through his head as he approached the front door of the clinic. He pulled on the door handle and--it was locked! Who in the heck had locked the door?

Doctor Solusi banged on the door, while still holding his bag of Goat Meat Tacos and French Fries. He peered through the glass and saw someone approaching.

It was...

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