"Calling from Microsoft Support" - they have Ogas

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Hello I'm New here! Joined: 20 Nov 2013 Posts: 4

I've been getting a lot of these inbound calls lately to a VOIP line secured by remote VPN. Today I decided to bait one to waste their time. I kept them going more than an hour and got transferred to three successively more senior scammers. I recorded about 40 minutes. Is it worth uploading somewhere? Below I recap the call and what I came up with to keep them on the line with me instead of a real victim. It was nerve wracking trying to think of responses on the fly. I gained a profound respect for those of you that do calls and make them so funny.

The first person on the call is apparently a screener. His english was awful. It sounded like a Mumbai boiler room as there was lots of noise in the background from other scammers working victims. His job was clearly to determine that I had a Windows computer that was turned on and that I was cooperative. Once that was accomplished, he passed me to the next guy whose english was a little better.

The second guy's job is apparently to convince me they are really from Microsoft, in fact, he confirmed he's calling from Redman, Washington DC. Then he wanted to demonstrate I've got terrible evil on my computer only Microsoft can fix. Once he determined the hook was set, he passed me on to the 'Closer Guy' who seems like the Oga. Mr. Closer told me he manages lots of "technicians" and only gets on the phone when a "customer" is prepared for "advance help". But I'm jumping ahead of their script.

Before I could earn an audience with Mr. Closer, I had to dance several rounds with the second guy. He attempted to demonstrate his Microsoft-ness by asking me to run a command that would have presented a CLSID from my computer. Of course, I didn't do anything he asked but I played along. He read out a long number as proof 'Microsoft' knows the unique ID of my PC. Obviously, this number is the same on every Windows PC and, to add insult to injury, his delivery was lamentably stilted. "YOU SEE, SIR. IT IS A UNIQUE NUMBER ONLY YOU AND MICROSOFT COULD KNOW. THEREFORE, IT IS PROVEN TO YOU THAT I COULD ONLY BE CALLING YOU FROM MICROSOFT, DO YOU AGREE?" Clearly not in the top of his class at the Strasburg School of Method Acting, yet I found myself agreeing enthusiastically. The vague disinterest of his monotone performance must have won me over.

Next, he asked me to run Windows Eventvwr. Had I complied, this gambit would have shown me lots of scary looking errors and warnings that are completely normal. I did my best to sound properly horrified, though it was hard to match the raw intensity of his delivery. Last, he tried to get me to install a remote access program. Of course, I had tremendous difficulty getting this sequence correct and he was never able to connect. This took forever and it was ENTIRELY his fault. After all, how can he fix my computer if he can't even log into it? Much fun was had by all (well, maybe it was just me).

He tried getting me to download three different remote access applications. I followed his painstakingly precise instructions to the letter but nothing was going right for him today! I never learned where this remote access gambit goes because I didn't let him get there. I assume maybe creating more "proof" or installing spyware. But before he twigged I managed to get him off-script by interjecting "Isn't there someone I can just pay to fix this damn computer!" Well, it only took FOUR loud repetitions of that refrain to bring in Mr. Closer.

Mr. Closer had the best english of all and actually had the faintest modicum of tech knowledge. Once I had him on the line, I decided to give him special treatment because his time must be worth more than a dozen of the screeners (and I had some more time to kill).

Of course, he started hot and heavy for the credit card close, in this case, $149 for a promised technician visit to my home. The fact they don't even know where I am never seemed to trouble these all-knowing technicians. They must be psychic too!

Unfortunately, it took more than ten minutes just to work out precisely what day and time the technician would appear on my unknown doorstep. They don't work Sundays or past 7pm. However, I do have a very busy schedule of daytime dramas which I CANNOT miss. Saturdays are consumed by visiting numerous incarcerated relatives. Eventually we agreed the technician would be visiting at midnight sharp on Wednesday next and stay no longer than exactly one hour and twenty minutes.

Once we'd worked that out, it was only natural that I'd want to know which problems the visiting angel of tech mercy would be healing. Mr. Closer pointed out that I'd been shown all the errors on my PC by his colleague. I regretted to inform him his colleague had done no such thing and in fact had passed me up the chain without demonstrating anything. I was still in the dark as to what this was all about!

Mr. Closer quickly abandoned me back down the chain to an english-as-a-ninth-language colleague for another round of that fan favorite "Eventvwr and the Land O' Evil Errors". He dumped me so quickly I couldn't stop him. However, I am not so easily jilted. I refused to cooperate with the new flunky and insisted that Mr. Closer was the only man for me. We'd developed a special bond, you see. I was willing to wait on hold as long as it took because I've been saving my credit card numbers for Mr. Closer only.

Well, that brought him sulking back into my tender embrace in less than a minute (hopefully interrupting his talking to a real victim). It was a joyous reunion until I informed him I still hadn't seen the errors on my computer. Hence, I persuaded Mr. Closer to take a long, leisurely walk down memory lane with me, holding my trembling, slightly palsied, hand through the joys of mistyping the simple command "Eventvwr" 17 times. Then proving unable to successfully load three different kinds of remote access applications. Why, oh why, wouldn't the simple command "doubleU doubleU doubleU DOT something DOTCOM" work? What the sam hell kind of tech is he anyway? My confidence in the technical prowess of Microsoft's finest was starting to falter.

Just as he was about to twig out, I leaped again to my plaintive cry of "Won't somebody please just take my money and make these problems go away?" I also upped the ante by asking how much it would cost to have the midnight-visiting Microsoft technician upgrade my PC to an "Apple iPhone computer". Well, it was my lucky day, for only $400 on the orphanage's credit card Microsoft would be happy to upgrade my Windows PC to an Apple iPhone computer!

Strangely, when it came to discussing payment terms 'Microsoft' wouldn't accept my brand new Microsoft credit card! They seemed to have never heard of it, instead demanding Visa or Mastercard. I told them they need to get their act together up there in Redman, Washington DC! They don't even take Diner's Club! I mean seriously, who doesn't take Diner's Club? It's the twelfth most popular credit card brand in the world! Perhaps oddest of all, they aren't interested in just having the technician collect cash when he visits. Yes, it is a "he". Apparently, I can't specify a female technician even though that seems like a perfectly reasonable request. I even offered a tip in cash for any 'extra services' their technician might be up for.

After much discussion, we amicably agreed I would use my mistresses' 'Discovery Card' for advance payment but just when I thought we were getting somewhere... MORE problems! I have never seen a call center professional have such difficulty transliterating my simple 39 letter Greco-German twice-hyphenated name. In an effort to help, I adopted their practice of saying each letter followed by a word starting with that letter. I may not have gotten it quite right. For example, "A - as in Alphonse D'Amato, the finest man ever to grace the United States Senate from the great state of New York, except for Patrick Moynihan, wait... was Moynihan from New York?" Sometimes I'd get flustered and couldn't think of a word starting with the letter G (or something sounding like 'G') and needed to ask for his help to come up with a word. Many of the words he suggested didn't really suit me but we managed to eventually arrive at an agreeable word in most cases. Other times he kept giving me a word that started with "G" when I was asking him to help think of a word that starts with "P" (well, it sounded like 'P' but maybe it wasn't).

In all, I managed to completely waste over an hour of Mr. Closer's time and he still wasn't sure if he was being had right up until the moment the police were pounding on the orphanage's door and our call was tragically disconnected - mere moments before uttering the final credit card digits.

Is there a leader board for longest inbound call with these bozos? I'm sure I'm nowhere near it, but I'd love to listen to some calls to learn the techniques of the masters.

I really must give credit where it's due, these forums are an inspiration (and where I learned it's ALWAYS their fault) and also the many hours I've spent on the phone helping my elderly mother with her computer. Nothing could have prepared me any better for playing this role or motivated me more, thinking of the senior citizens preyed on by these scum.

Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 6:45 am

Hahaha!! Good job! I hate these 'Microsoft' guys and I always try to have a good time with them when they call. I think I've gotten 3 calls from them now but I've gotten nowhere near an hour.

I know there are some recorded calls of this sort on youtube. The ones I've listened too weren't very long but they were good for a laugh!!

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