Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

rocknrollnobody wrote:

No10 is because many pubs don't have table numbers. You go to the bar, order your food and they give you a spoon with a number on it to act as your table number.

Thanks for the help . . . . a strange custom Laughing

Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2010 6:43 pm

How do you confuse an idiot?

Stand him in a lighthouse and tell him to pee in the corner

Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 11:36 am

Further to the above 'No. 10' relating to a spoon with a number on it (my local pub does that), I have seen another unusual way of uniquely identifying your food order in a pub... they pick a playing card from the deck and give it to you, writing the card on the order which goes to the kitchen. Seems to work.

My local insists that you have the spoon in your hand and show it when you add anything to the 'tab', so that someone can't just say 'Put that on tab 34, please' when they are not entitled to! Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 11 May 2004 Posts: 2163

sharky1969 wrote:

How do you confuse an idiot?

Stand him in a lighthouse and tell him to pee in the corner

MORE!!!!

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

...

Posted: Fri Aug 27, 2010 5:33 pm

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic, the screenplay' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

...

Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 8:40 pm

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.

2. Slowly open your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.

5. Open your Internet browser.

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, then open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.

7. Breathe deeply and open the site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Watch the expression on your neighbor's face.

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 6:11 pm

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland ...
One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 6:14 pm

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', he demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

Her husband immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's
a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her
head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mother of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency,
here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit!'

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

...

Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:15 pm

Two rednecks are in a boat fishing one day and one redneck gets a bite. He pulls up a lamp and rubs the mud off of it. A genie appears and says "I will grant you each a wish for releasing me from my slumber."

So the first redneck thinks long and hard and finally makes his wish "I wish for a roast beef sandwich" and poof a roast beef sandwich appears before the redneck. The second one says " What a waste you could have wished for anything you wanted." "I was hungry" replies the first redneck.

So the second redneck thinks longer and harder wanting to not waste his wish. He finally speaks up and makes his wish. "I wish....The lake was made of beer!"

The first redneck looks at him and says "You idiot! Now we gotta piss in the boat"

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:13 pm

Indian chief and his sevant leave the reservation and go to New York where they have booked a room in an hotel. The indian Chief sits cross-legged on the carpet and says to his servant - " Tonto - fetch me drink of water" Tonto goes and returns with a glass of water whiuch teh Chief drinks. After an hour or so the Chief tells Tonto to get him more water to drink.
After a while Tonto returns with an empty glass. "Why no water Tonto" asks the chief.
Tonto says - "White man sit on well "

Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:15 pm

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 5:39 pm

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could take a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but, if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home from the pub. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, don’t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she replied. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the rest of the darts team hadn't!"

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

^^^^ loved it Laughing

Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:37 am

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour’s dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a ***** that was on 'heat' and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late, nearly 1.00 am...she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the *****"

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied, "IT JUST F***ING WORKED ON ME!".

Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:38 am

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d much really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We have just got a job opening form a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his daughter.

You’ll have to drive his 2010 Mercedes CL, and, because you'll need to look the part, he will supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

Now this is rather awkward... you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said "You’re bullshittin’ me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:40 am

The wife has just told me that Gavin from Autoglass has been round and injected some of his special resin into her crack. Now I'm not normally the suspicious type but she has'nt got a F****g car

Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 5:29 pm

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary , Alberta , while awaiting their respective flights.

One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reserve; another is a cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward:"Once my people were few, he sneers, "and now we are many.. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'.."

Posted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:24 pm

Little Bobby returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks his father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies Bobby.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yes, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'"

What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

Posted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:30 pm

1. To avoid having the responsibility of sons or daughters, make love to your sister-in-law and you’ll only have nephews and nieces.
2. All mushrooms are edible, some only once.
3. Be kind to your children, because they’re the one’s who will choose you retirement home.
4. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
5. If love is blind, you’ll have to use your hands.
6. If woman was good, God would have one. If she could be trusted, the devil wouldn’t have horns.
7. Certain men love their wives so much that in order not to wear them out they use other guy’s wives.
8. The only thing worse than a stone in your shoe is a grain of sand in your condom.
9. If one day you feel useless and depressed, remember that you were once the quickest sperm of them all.
10. Job hierarchy is like a shelf. The higher it is, the more useless it is.
11. Your future depends on your dreams. Don’t waste time, go to bed.
12. Love is like ‘flu, you catch it in the street and you get rid of it in bed.
13. Men would lie less if women asked fewer questions.

Posted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:58 pm

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this: Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Posted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 1:09 pm

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin?"

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement , "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Posted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 1:11 pm

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until he comes
Across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it. The bike seems even better
Than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute
Mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it
In such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
Outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
From the rain", and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.;
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
Before we go in. When we eat dinner , we don't talk. In fact, the first
Person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
Stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled
Up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They
Sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he
Leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and
Fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her,
Rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there,
In front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
Obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one
Says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the
Mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
Way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
Dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe
Remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

At this, the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's
Enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

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