Bork, Bork, Bork! - Swedish Chef Bait

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Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 7:06 pm

Well, it seems Eze has finally had enough:

PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN.

Vhy? Joost becoose-a yuoo're-a imberressed by yuoo beeeng incumpetent. Yuoo vere-a joost tryeeng tu scem me-a ell elung, veren't yuoo? Bork Bork Bork!

That was on February 25th and I haven't heard from Eze since. However, 2 days later, Stephan the Swedish Chef gets a new e-mail:

Dear friend,
I am Dr.Otuvie Umolum,Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce And Industry, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer the sum of(25,500.000.00) TWENTY-FIVE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS, into your accounts.

The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract, executed, Commissioned and paid
R�pondre � cette invitation

I'm surry I dun't speek French, oonly Svedeesh.

Sincerely,
Stephan Edberg
The Swedish Chef

March 4th
Dear Stephan Edberg,
I have been expecting your reply to my last email and I hope that you are in good health. Kindly drop me a few lines to know what is happening.
Regards,
Dr. Otuvie

Deer Dr. Otuvie,

Vell, letely I hefe-a beee fery upset. Um de hur de hur de hur. I theenk I hefe-a fellee feectim tu un internet scemmer, Mr. Eze. Effter sefee munths, I hefe-a tu cume-a tu reeleeze-a he-a hes beee useeng me-a joost tu deffrood me-a oooot ooff muney. Bork bork bork! Heem, Egoo, und sume-a oozeer peuple-a. It hes beee fery upsetteeng. Vhy ere-a yuoo vreeting tu me-a?

March 7th
Dear Friend,
Thank you very much for your urgent reply to my email as I am glad to hear from you. The major thing that we need now is to work together to buy an old redundant zero liability company and then change your name as the owner of the company so that it would seem that your company has been in existence in Nigeria in the past few years. We will then use the certificate of incorporation and certificate to commence business to open a company�s bank account in the name of your company in a reliable commercial bank in Nigeria with arrangement with the branch manager. It is in this company�s bank account that is in the name of your company that we would use to secure the fund from escrow account as the earnings of your company in agricultural investment here for onward remittance to your final desired bank account in batches to avoid raising any single eyebrow both here and in our correspondent bank in New York or UK. If we follow this procedure then I can guarantee you that within seven working days the fund will be in the final bank account that you would provide since it is swift and more save to transfer this fund in your company�s name rather than you private name. If we decide to move this fund in your private name then it would raise a lot of suspicions as to what you did to acquire such a fund and they would demand one document from you to another to facilitate the transfer of the fund and in such a case because some documents needs to be back dated you would end up bringing in fake documents which would jeopardize the transaction and make it look like scam. Accordingly if you are ready to do this business with us then you must forget any type of scam by way of short cuts and fake documents because it is not good to build a grand mansion on a weak foundation because it is bound to fall just like transfer of huge fund that is based on fake documents and discrepancies. Accordingly to ensure the mathematical success of this transfer we need to put a company in your name in Nigeria so that we can use the particulars of the company as I have explained before. I would be expecting to hear from you.

Okey. Bork bork bork! Suoonds guud tu me-a. Yuoo're-a nut tryeeng tu scem me-a, ere-a yuoo? Becoose-a I heerd a lut ooff scemmers ere-a frum Neegeria.

Today:
Dear Friend,
I am not trying to scam you. The only thing that I need from you is your certificate of incorporation of a company in your name in Nigeria so that we can use it as I told you. It is not a must that I should introduce a lawyer to you for the registration of your company in Nigeria to show you that I do not want to join with any body to cheat you. If you like I would help you to get a lawyer to register your company here but if you do not like you are free to get your own lawyer to register your company here as the most important thing to me is your company certificate of registration here so that we can use it to secure the fund within seven days.
Regards,
Dr. Otuvie

Thunk yuoo fur yuoor hunesty. Bork bork bork! I deedn't meun tu eccoose-a yuoo ooff scemmeeng, it is joost thet I hefe-a beee boorned beffure-a. Pleese-a, send me-a zee i-meeel ooff zee levyer thet yuoo recummend fur thees trunsecshun.

Hmm . . . the new guy has a suprisingly strong grasp of the swedish chef language . . .

eta: Well, I'm surprised. It seems Dr. Otuvie's ip address traces back to Nigeria while Eze's traced back to Benin.

Two scammers dumb enough to reply to someone using the swedish chef dialect. What are the odds? Maybe I should e-mail Eze to let him know he has competition Smile

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Feb 2008 Posts: 32

Bork Bork Bork!!!! Thats hilarious!

Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:16 pm

No reply back from Eze about Dr. Otuvie. I tried to ask Dr. Otuvie for a picture of him holding a sign that says "Bork Bork Bork", but again I am denied Sad

Dear Mr. Stephan Eberg,
Thank you for your two emails to me. Like I told you I do not need you to send any money to me as the only important thing is your certificate of incorporation of your company here so that we can use it to profile the fund for onward transfer to you without any headache. To show you my good faith it is not a must that I would provide a lawyer for you in Nigeria as you are free to get your own lawyer in Nigeria. If you still give me permission to find a lawyer for you then tomorrow I will use my free period to go and look a capable lawyer to represent you. Any lawyer that I find for you must send his Nigeria passport to you before you send him money to register your company here.
Regards,
Dr. Otuvie.

Dr. Otuvie,

I understund. Bork bork bork! Yes, gu eheed und get me-a a levyer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! I veell zeen esk zee levyer fur a seegn beffure-a I send heem muney. Bork bork bork!

-Stephan

Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:52 pm

Dr. Otuvie finally writes the chef back about getting a lawyer:

March 16th

Dear Mr. Stephan Eberg,
I have gotten the lawyer who has more than thirty years in legal practice in Nigeria and a member of the Nigeria Bar Association.. Here is his information;

Christopher Aniweta
(Legal Practitioner)
Plot: 147 Adetokunbo Ademola St,
Abuja.

When the lawyer contacts you and says anything that you do not understand then you should refer the thing to me so that we put our heads together before you answer him. Remember that the lawyer does not know about the fund and the exact reason you want to register your company here as I only told him that you are interested in investing in agriculture here so that once he registers the company we would use the company documents to secure the fund as we agreed. I have given the lawyer your information and he would contact you either by phone or email.
Regards,
Dr. Otuvie

Attn: Mr. Stephan Eberg,

Sir,
I am sending you this email on the request of Dr. Otuvie who intimated me that you may require my services for the registration and incorporation of your company in Nigeria .
Yours faithfully,
Christopher Aniweta
(Legal Practitioner)

Thunk yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Zee levyer deed i-meeel me-a und I seeed I needed hees serfeeces. Um gesh dee bork, bork! He-a deedn't menshun unytheeng ebuoot egreecooltoore-a thuoogh, boot dun't vurry. Bork bork bork! I knoo a lut ebuoot egreecooltoore-a, veet me-a beeeng a cheff und ell. Peegs und cheeckens und ferms und ell thet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Su vhet du ve-a du knoo?

About a week goes by and nothing happens. The chef gets impatient:

March 22nd

Dr. Otuvie,

Is iferytheeng ookey? I hefe-a nut heerd beck frum yuoo oor zee levyer fur tvu deys. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

-Stephan

Dear Stephan Edberg,
I hope that you are in good health and condition. I must apologize for not writing you as I was in series of meetings and due to my work I was not able to sit on my desk for the past days due to the holidays as we were struggling to put many things in order before the break. I want to assure you that all our arrangements are in tact and you should co-operate with your lawyer for the registration of your company here so that we can use the certificate as agreed.
Regards,
Dr. Otuvie.

I don't want to know what happened to him that he can't sit down. Yikes.

Dr. Otuvie,

Oh, thet suoonds peeenffool! I understund thuoogh, vhet veet Iester beeeng here-a. Ve-a ere-a fery boosy in zee restoorunt booseeness tuu reeght noo. Iferyune-a vunts tu iet sveets dooreeng Iester, su ve-a ere-a mekeeng a lut ooff chuculete-a boonneees und chuculete-a muuse-a. Pleese-a teke-a zee teeme-a yuoo need, boot pleese-a hefe-a zee levyer i-meeel me-a. I hefe-a nut heerd frum heem et ell letely. Bork Bork Bork!

-Stephan

Another 5 days go by. This scammer lawyer lad must be one of the slowest scammer lawyer lads I've dealt with.

March 27th
Attn: Mr. Stephan Eberg,

Sir,
We are ready to serve you in the registration and incorporation of your company here. Kindly send
1). Name of company.
2). Object of company.
This would help us to do company name search at the Registrar of companies office to see if the name is available for registration.
Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta.

Register a company? Well, that's great! Now the chef can finally fulfill his dream of owning his own restaurant.

Vell, it's ebuoot teeme-a yuoo gut beck tu me-a. I thuooght yuoo hed furguttee ebuoot my i-meeel tu yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

1) Zee neme-a ooff zee cumpuny is es fulloos:

"Zee Guldee Muuse" or, in ingleesh, "The Golden Moose"

2) Zee oobject ooff zee cumpuny is tu sell fuud. Bork bork bork! It is a restoorunt. Um de hur de hur de hur.
-Stephan

Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:57 pm

Ooer when can I start buying food from you? and do you need Rob Anybody to come over and give your place a review Very Happy

Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 4:14 pm

^ As soon as lawyer lad gets it "registered", whatever that means Laughing

Dear Mr. Stephan Edberg
I pray that my email reaches you in good health. Please I would be expecting to hear from you on how far you have gone with the lawyer for the registration of your company in Nigeria.

Regards,
Dr. Otuvie

Wait a minute, The Golden Moose is going to be in Nigeria?!

I guess I should have read Dr. Otuvie's e-mails more closely. Oh well, I'm sure a Swedish restaurant will be really popular in Nigeria.

Dr. Otuvie,

Vell, zee levyer feenelly vrute-a beck tu me-a yesterdey und I gefe-a heem zee neme-a ooff zee cumpuny I vunt tu regeester. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! I vunt tu oopee my oovn restoorunt. Um de hur de hur de hur. I em a cheff. It hes elveys beee a dreem ooff meene-a tu oovn my oovn restoorunt, ifee seence-a I ves a leettle-a buy grooeeng up in Svedee. Thet is ell zee levyer hes esked ooff me-a su fer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

-Stephan

Dear Mr. Stephan Edberg
Thank you very much for your email to me. I am happy that you are co-operating with the lawyer so that the name of your company can be registered here so that we can use your certificate of incorporation to secure and transfer the fund as we agreed. The good thing about registering this company is that we can use it for this fund and you can use it for any other business of your choice. You should tell the lawyer to include agricultural investment in the object of the company. Kindly keep me updated.

Regards,
Dr. Otuvie.

Dr. Otuvie,

Excellent! I em heppy thet yuoo ere-a heppy ebuoot zee vey thees trunsecshun is gueeng. Zee trunsffer veell gu vell und I veell hefe-a my restoorunt thet I hefe-a dreemed ooff fur su lung.

I moost cunffess thet et furst I ves unsoore-a thet a Svedeesh restoorunt vuoold be-a sooccessffool in Neegeria, boot iff ve-a cun incloode-a egreecooltoorel infestment in zee pruject, vell I theenk thet veell help metters. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I veell deffeenitely menshun thet tu zee levyer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

-Stephan

The lawyer writes back with lots of the boring, usual lad stuff about payment. To make a long story short, he wants $1,180 to prepare the registration materials . . . and he wants the chef as a reference.

I have geared up to give you quality professional service so that you can introduce other foreigners willing to do business or are doing business in Nigeria to me after you have been duly satisfied with my services. I would be expecting you confirmation so that I would give you the information that you can use to transfer the $1,180.00

Yours faithfully,
Christopher Aniweta
(Legal Practitioner)
Plot: 147 Adetokunbo Ademola St,
Abuja.

Christopher,

Voo, $1,180? Thet is a lut ooff muney. Bork bork bork! I deedn't knoo it vuoold be-a thet mooch tu stert a restoorunt in Neegeria. Boot I gooess thet's tu be-a ixpected, es I elsu vunt tu get intu zee egreecooltoorel booseeness zeere-a. Yuoo knoo, oorguneecelly reeese-a cheeckens und muuse-a thet ve-a cun use-a fur zee deeshes in zee restoorunt. Um de hur de hur de hur. Effter ell, vhet vuoold a restoorunt celled Zee Guldee Muuse-a be-a veethuoot muuse-a oon zee menoo? Pleese-a send me-a zee inffurmeshun und zee necessery pepervurk fur regeestreshun. It mey teke-a me-a a leettle-a beet ooff teeme-a tu get zee muney, boot I em cummeetted tu thees pruject. Um de hur de hur de hur.

-Stephan

Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:53 pm

March 31st
Attn: Stephan Edberg

Sir,I am sending this email to confirm that I havereceived your email to me and that I am geared up togive you quality professional services.

I would make arrangements to do market research on thelocation and accessories for the restaurant inNigeria.

Once I receive the token fee of $580.00 then I wouldbe able to commence the registration of your companyso tat you can pay the balance when you receive yourcertificate of incorporation. I would be expectingyour confirmation and date that you would send themoney so that I can give you the information that youwould use to send the money.

Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta.

Market research on swedish restaurants in Nigeria? Sounds good to me!

Okey, thet suoonds guud. Bork bork bork! I theenk zeere-a veell be-a a beeg merket fur a svedeesh restoorunt in Neegeria. Zeere-a prubebly vun't be-a a lut ooff cumpeteeshun in thet erea, boot I veell be-a cooreeuoos tu see-a vhet yuoor merket reseerch seys. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I shuoold be-a eble-a tu hefe-a zee muney tu yuoo in tvu veeks. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

Dear Mr. Stephan Edberg

I was hoping that the registration of your company wasonly for us to use it to secure and transfer your fundbut since you are seriously interested in opening arestaurant in Africa I would suggest that you open itin Sal, Cape Verde Islands. You know that apart fromthis business that we are like brothers and I cannever deceive you. Cape Verde is an ECOWAS country andour country has a streamlined banking system with themhowever Cape Verde has the best streamlined bankingsystem with Europe and USA in West Africa and it isalso a tourist attraction with consistency ingovernment so I would suggest that if you are reallyinterested in opening a restaurant in Africa then itis best that we transfer this fund to the cape VerdeIslands and that your company be registered in CapeVerde and used to secure the fund in thecompany�s bank account in Cape Verde. If youaccept my proposal then you should forget aboutChristopher Aniweta and allow me to seek a lawyer foryou in Cape Verde and for me to make arrangement totransfer the fund to the escrow account of the Bank ofCape Verde so that it would be profiled in the name ofyour company when it reaches Cape Verde.

Regards,
Dr. Otuvie

This is just getting weird. Now we have competing restaurant locations?

And Dr. Otuvie/Christopher - next time at least try to put a little effort into pretending to be two different people. When your e-mail looks exactly the same, with the same yahoo advertising link at the bottom, it kind of screams obvious.

Dear Mr. Stephan Edberg,

Thank you very much for you email to me. I have beenin contact with the director of the Bank of Cape Verdeto finalize arrangements so that they can receive yourfund in their escrow account so that it would bere-profiled in your company's name for onward transferto you. The major point the director mentioned is thatbecause they have a streamlined banking system withEurope and USA and because of the use of the countryas a trans-shipment point for drugs from south Americato Europe so that huge un-profiled funds are closelymonitored. Accordingly once we transfer the fund toCape Verde we would have only seven days to registeryour company and open a company's bank account thatthe fund will be diverted to or the fund will beconfiscated as unclaimed fund. So we would need tomake arrangement for a lawyer and money that we wouldsend to Cape Verde for the registration of yourcompany there. I have asked the director to makearrangements for a lawyer for us so that once wefinalize arrangements to register your company andopen a company's bank account in Cape Verde Islands sothat I would transfer the fund there without wastingtime.I will be expecting your confirmation.

Regards,
Dr. Otuvie

Um dude, I didn't write you yet. Now I will.

Dr. Otuvie -

Oh, I'm surry. Bork bork bork! I joost respunded beck tu un i-meeel frum Christopher und he-a seeed he-a is gueeng tu du merket reseerch fur me-a in Neegeria. I gooess I shuoold hefe-a reed yuoor i-meeel furst. Um de hur de hur de hur. Thet is ookey. Bork bork bork! Iff yuoo vunt me-a tu get unuzeer levyer, thet vuoold be-a guud. Bork bork bork! Elthuoogh I deed theenk it vuoold be-a ixeeciting tu intrudooce-a svedeesh cooeesine-a tu Neegeria, I see-a yuoor pueent ebuoot yuoor sooggested luceshun beeeng better. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Dues Cape Verde hefe-a a lut ooff svedeesh restoorunts elreedy?

-Stephan

April 2nd:
Dear Mr.Stephan Edberg

Thank you very much for your mail to me. It will bevery interesting to invest in Nigeria. I was lookingat the long tenure of the business which was why Isuggested Cape Verde Islands since we can also investthis fund in Property and hotel business there and itwould be better protected than Nigeria where there isno stability coupled with the terrorist attacks fromthe oil producing region here. If you prefer Nigeriathen there is no problem we can continue withChristopher Aniweta but if you prefer Cape Verde Iwould then ask the director of Bank of Cape Verde toassist us in looking for a lawyer there.

Regards,
Dr. Otuvie

Dr. Otuvie -

Okey, Nigeria it is!
I theenk it vuoold be-a greet tu intrudooce-a Svedeesh cooeesine-a tu zee Neegeriun peuple-a. Yuoo hefe-a nut leefed unteel yuoo hefe-a tested moosenglassen!

-Stephan

Attn.Stephan Edberg.

Sir,I have been able to do full market research on theopening of a Swedish restaurant in Nigeria. The onlything is for you to decide on your budget and theclass of restaurant that you want to open. The majorthings that you have to consider are;

1). Property cost and site of the restaurant. This isso because some locations are costlier than others.
2). Interior decoration and restaurant equipments withutensils especially the kitchen.
3). Workers.
Accordingly the level that we would put the restaurantdepends on your budget for the venture. If you cangive me an idea of how much you would like to investin the restaurant then I would be able to give youspecifics. I can say the Euro20,000.00 is enough toopen a 4 star restaurant in a commercial city inNigeria like Abuja, Lagos or Port Harcourt. I alsobelieve that it will be a lucrative venture becausethere are only Chinese restaurants in these areas.

Respectfully,
Bar. Chris Aniweta

This lad is totally cracking me up now. A 4 star restaurant run by The Swedish Chef in Abuja, Lagos, or Port Harcourt? Awesome!

I've got to get this guy on the phone.

Christopher -

Thunk yuoo fur yuoor reseerch. Iff pusseeble-a, cuoold I hefe-a yuoor phune-a noomber. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! I vuoold leeke-a tu hefe-a my secretery cell yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! She-a speeks mooch better Ingleesh thun I du und she-a cun deescooss speceeffics ooff yuoor feendings veet yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

-Stephan

Dear Stephan Edberg,
Thank you very much for your direct order regarding
your fund. Kindly co-operate as soon as possible with
the lawyer so that he can register your company here
so that we can use the certificate of incorporation to
open a company’s bank account that we will use
to secure your fund.
Regards,

Dr. Otuvie..

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 01 Oct 2005 Posts: 2

Wow i have learned Swedish here...and Worf you sure are resilent good work.This site is amazing chock full of entertainment!!.Gotta work up the nerve to get one of my own started is a lot of work. Very Happy

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:30 pm

Awww! I was hoping you'd let Eze down. Would have been so funny to sock him straight in the face with a "I'M SPEAKING SWEDISH CHEF, THAT'S NOT ACTUAL SWEDISH AND YOU JUST WASTED THREE QUARTERS OF A YEAR OF YOUR LIFE!"

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 6:23 pm

Sometimes, I really miss Eze.

But the new guy who is going to help the chef open a swedish restaurant in Abuja, Nigeria?

Gold, Jerry! Gold! Laughing

April 3rd:
Sir,

I have taken the time to verify on the best location for the restaurant and I believe that Victoria Island Lagos or Central district, Abuja would be best for itslocation. This is so because this location is within close proximity to Consulates and foreign establishments and high class citizens of Nigeria.
Accordingly there are a lot of contacts in these areas and up to you to analysis and utilize the ones you get The major thing that would consume your budget is the payment of rent in a strategic position. If we get agood location we can compensate by reducing the budget on interior decorations, utensils and accessories. You may also consider putting a section for bar and nightclubbing since it�s a lucrative business in this areas during the weekends as you are free to collect gate fee on weekends. If you are planning on a long time business scheme of up to ten years then you may consider buying a property in the area if you have enough money as you can re-sell it whenever you want to go to your country and properties in those areas appreciate well. You can always get me on my directline +234-703*** for any questions. I would be expecting your confirmation

Regards,
Christopher Aniweta.

Christopher,

I theenk I vuoold be-a mure-a in booyeeng a booeelding. I intend tu meke-a thees a lung term pruject. Um de hur de hur de hur. Iff yuoo hefe-a teeme-a, cuoold yuoo send me-a peectoores ooff uny booeeldings thet ere-a fur sele-a in Abuja thet yuoo theenk vuoold meke-a a guud plece-a fur a svedeesh restoorunt. Um de hur de hur de hur. I hefe-a a greet deel ooff muney sefed up fur thees pruject, su I du nut theenk it veell be-a necessery tu coot beck oon untenseels und decureshuns. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Iff fect, I vuoold leeke-a tu nut coot muney oon zee decureteeng seede-a. I theenk zee luuk ooff a plece-a is fery impurtunt. Um de hur de hur de hur. Thunk yuoo fur yuoor phune-a noomber, I veell hefe-a my secretery cuntect yuoo es I seeed beffure-a, she-a speeks mooch better ingleesh thun I du.

-Stephan

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 03 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

Oh my gawd!!! This is one of the funniest things I've ever read!!

Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 4:45 pm

http://media.putfile.com/restaurantlawyer

Stephan Edberg's secretary calls Christopher the lawyer with a few questions.

Not only do they have Abba cover bands, but everything costs 20,000 pounds!

Of all the questions, I can't believe it was the liquor license one that made him go "Uh, can you just send me an e-mail."

April 8th -

Well, I was busy at work and didn't send the questions right away. Christopher the lawyer got impatient.

Dear Stephan Edberg,

I am sending you this email with regard to our telephone conversation. I am expecting the email that you secretary wants to send to me as she promised.
Best regards,
Christopher Aniweta.

I veell hefe-a my secretery i-meeel yuoo tumurroo. She-a celled in seeck tudey veet zee stumech flu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

I had a little more time today, I sent Christopher the additional questions I didn't get to ask him over the phone.

Christopher answers the questions sent to him by the Swedish Chef's secretary, Shelly. Even though he sends the e-mail directly back to the chef. Whatever.

I love this lad's faked enthusiasm for the restaurant though. Too bad he went into the scamming business. He really seems to put a bit of thought into these answers (which makes it all the more hilarious, imho).

Dear Mrs. Shelley Burns,

I am very happy to hear from you especially to knowthat you have recovered from your illness because health is first in all things. I have gone through all your questions and I understand your concerns.

(That's good, because I don't, lol).

Here are the questions that Chef Edberg would like answered:

1. How much does it cost for a liquor license inNigeria? Is one even required?
Approximately, � 850.00

2. Is there a printing company you would recommend for menus, banners, advertising, etc?
Yes

3. If we designed our own fliers or surveys in house, do you have local people who would be willing to help us pass them out?
Yes

4. If we sent you a survey about Swedish cuisine, could you find people to distribute it and could you report back to us the results?
Yes

5. What is the most popular meal in Abuja? Breakfast, lunch or dinner?
Breakfast: revolving around bread and tea (with egg or butter depending on choice),
Lunch; Revolving around rice in cases of foreign foods like Chinese food.

6. How much property insurance is needed? Liability insurance?
It depends on the policy we intend to enter as there numerous packages.

7. Are DJ's available for hire in the area? How much do they cost? Can we pay them in alcohol?
It is negotiable and in case of payment it would not be more the �350.00 per month and it is a lot cheaper if you have in house equipment.

8. How big of a staff would the nightclub need? Would you recommend we hire bouncers for security? Can they be Swayze-esque?
It depends on the size of the club and we need bouncers and would liaise with the Commissioner of Police to provide periodic patrol team in the area. You can employ Swedish but it would be after registering the company so that there work permit would be easier.

(No, not Swedish! Swayze-esque? *face palm* I guess the lad has never heard of "Roadhouse")

9. What is the most popular dance in Nigeria?
Hip hop and hip life (hip life is mixture of USA tunes with zouk)

10. Could we have a swedes only night?
Yes

11. Is there enough chocolate to mass produce chocolate mousse on a nightly basis?
We have cacao but finished chocolates are imported and since we are using on nightly basis it would be cheaper to import than buy from retailers.

12. Should the nightclub have a separate name from the restaurant, such as Farfegnugen?
Yes.

(Excellent! Club Farfegnugen it is then! I wish I could get my keyboard to type out on of those little : things, except horizontally where it goes over the letters).

13. Are drugs allowed in nightclubs in Nigeria? If so, what kind of drugs? If not, should we consider buying drug sniffing dogs?
Nigeria do not have drug usage problem as the common drug is marijuana. Drugs are not allowed in Clubs and we do not need to buy drug sniffing dogs unless you just want to add them to part of the effects.

(Dog effects?)

14. Is there a department of health that would inspect the restaurant? How much does it cost for inspection?
Yes but would not cost more the �1,000.00 including the official fee and beer money for the inspectors.

(Nigerian health inspectors get beer money? Wow, the odd things you learn while scambaiting.)

15. Is there an insect or vermin problem in Abuja? Would we have to hire an exterminator on a regular basis?
No.

16. What is the average salary for wait staff in Abuja? How about cooks? Dishwashers?
Approximately �60.00

17. If we provided fliers, could we hire people to pass them out to generate interest in the Golden Moose Restaurant?
Yes with TV and radio adverts and talent promotion inthe night Club for example amateur rappers every last Saturday of the month. We would also attract wedding receptions and other receptions like business men Christian fellowship. I would also lead you on a leg
tour of vital officials and esteemed members of the public.

(I can see it now, amateur rap night at club Farfegnugen!)

18. How strict are building codes in Nigeria? What is the most common problem that arises from construction?
Its not much strict and you can modify building to your taste so far it is not within a government reserve estate. In Nigeria you put up any structure that you feel you can finance and the most common problem is boundary breaches. If you enter another persons potion of land.

19. Do you have any pictures that you can send of existing structures in Abuja that are for sale and would be able to be made into a restaurant?
I have informed housing and property agents and they would inform me as soon as there is one. The major thing is to commence the registration of his company so that by the time the find a suitable property we can buy it in the company�s name.

20. What type of clientele go out to eat in Abuja?
Politicians, government and public office holders and business men.

I hope you are clarified but if there is any thing that you do not understand then you should let me know. The must important thing now is to commence the registration of your company because it is with the certificate of incorporation that we would proceed adequately in this transaction. The golden moose would be the first Swedish restaurant in Nigeria and I want to assure you that I am fully looking forward to be part of this venture and ready to go to the extreme to make sure that we succeed by making the cuisine and night club popular through programs we would adopt.

Respectfully,
Barrister Christopher Aniweta.

Christopher,

I'm nut Shelly, boot thet's ookey. Bork bork bork! It ves me-a vhu vunted zee unsvers unyvey. Bork bork bork! I'll tell her thet yuoo vrute-a beck su she-a duesn't nut hefe-a tu vurry ebuoot getteeng i-meeel frum yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Thunk yuoo fur unsvereeng zee qooesshuns und I veell get beck tu yuoo shurtly effter I refeeoo zeem.

-Stephan

It looks like Christopher is adding more staff to the project.

April 11th:

Dear Sir,

I am sending this email to assure you that I have seen
your email and that I have geared up with my junior
partner to give you quality professional services in
all matter relating to the registration and
incorporation of your company with the Corporate
Affairs Commission and establishment of your
restaurant in Abuja. I await further instructions.

Respectfully
Christopher Aniweta.

I can't wait to see if he suckered another lad into helping him with this. Or he is just passing me down the lad chain.

Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 4:09 pm

Christopher wrote:

Is there a printing company you would recommend for menus, banners, advertising, etc?
Yes

"Yes". Is that a "Yes, there is a company I can recommend", or is "Yes" the actual name of the company? Sort this out, I'm confused. Razz

Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:17 pm

omg,i almost peed my pants laughing so hard,even i had trouble understanding the swedish so i can imagine how the mugu felt,keep it up as i want to read more!!! Very Happy

Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 8:05 pm

, FYI - I have a (Nigeria); sent reply for giggles & ran into your post; thought it may be same scammer??? Using:

You can see the original scam in surplus here:
http://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=133600&highlight=eze

I am currently a very greedy businessman trying to negotiate his cut from 60% to 10% (& then I will get greedier still!)

Not quite a Newb Joined: 03 Apr 2008 Posts: 55

Absolutely Hilarious!!! Great Job Worf

Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 10:01 pm

bjork bjork bjork is the bomb!

Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:24 am

juju4u, I think my Eze was from Benin.

I think the last name Eze is used a lot, but your lad sounds like a fun one too Smile

. Good luck with the bait.

eta - No word from the "junior partner" yet, but Dr. Otuvie seems to be getting a little too ambitious about this project:

April 12th
Dear Mr.Stephan Edberg

Thank you very much for your email to me. I have not
bothered to write in a few days as I was in steady
contact with the lawyer and he has fully updated me on
your arrangements which we must hasten up because of
the things we would like to do with the certificate of
incorporation. Left for me alone I would have
preferred us to open the hotel in Cape Verde Islands
because of stability and power supply. You must have
it in mind that in opening a hotel in Nigeria that you
must have solar panel or stand by generator since the
electricity supply in Nigeria is very poor. However I
must admit that Nigerians have more purchasing power
than all west Africa nations which is why the Chinese
are scrambling for it since it is the only place where
they can sell up to 100 containers of goods in a day.
I must admit that there is no Swedish hotel in Abuja
and it would be a major attraction if you open it in
Abuja and later in Lagos. Lagos is good to have a
branch in at least three months after opening the
Abuja sector because Lagos is another busy and money
making city with many contacts. In as much as the
capital has moved to Abuja, Lagos remains the busiest
commercial city in Nigeria. The lawyer also updated me
about finding a duplex so that you can use the ground
floor as bar and night club while the top flour would
be decorated as the restaurant section and I know that
it is a good idea also if you can including lodging
and accommodation. I know that with the grace of God
we would succeed in this business and this Sunday I
would put a prayer request in my church for the
success of this transaction so that after opening the
Abuja sector you would make enough money to open
another branch in Lagos. I pray that by Monday you
would be able to send money to the lawyer to commence
the registration of your company here.
Best regards,

Dr. Otuvie.

A hotel? Let's not over reach our grasp here Dr. Otuvie.

Dr. Otuvie,

Hutel? I nefer menshuned unytheeng ebuoot a hutel! I oonly vunt tu oopee a restoorunt und pusseebly a neeghtcloob (thet ves zee levyer's idea). I em steell boosy refeeooing zee unsvers tu zee qooesshuns thet my secretery sent tu zee levyer. Pleese-a du nut roosh me-a. Oopeneeng a restoorunt is a sereeuoos booseeness. I knoo thet zee regeestreshun is impurtunt und du nut vurry, ve-a veell teke-a cere-a ooff thet. I steell dun't knoo vhere-a yuoo gut zee idea ebuoot a hutel thuoogh. Thet is reelly tuu mooch. Bork Bork Bork!

-Stephan

That settles him down a bit, but now he gets impatient about the money (it's about time really, I think he's been quite patient so far discussing the restaurant plans Laughing

)

April 13th:
Dear Stephan Edberg,
I appreciate very well the nature of the business thatyou want to invest in here and I am ready to give youall the co-operation you need. Kindly try and sendmoney to the lawyer tomorrow so that he can commencefull professional action in regard to thistransaction.

Respectfully,
Dr. Otuvie

Too bad I'm feeling lazy this week. I'm not really interested in introducing a new modality until next week, as I'm going out of town in real life on Friday. What could delay the Swedish Chef for a week? Hmmm . . .

April 14th
Dr. Otuvie,

I em effreeed thet veell nut be-a pusseeble-a. I em oon my vey tu un imergency cuukeeng cunfference-a in Flureeda unteel Soondey. Bork bork bork! Iff yuoo hefe-a uny qooesshuns, I veell in be-a in cummooneeceshun veet my secretery. Bork bork bork! Beseedes, I du hefe-a sume-a fulloo up qooesshuns tu zee oones I elreedy sent zee levyer und he-a shuoold ixpect un i-meeel frum my secretery ebuoot thet sumeteeme-a thees veek

-Stephan

Damn those emergency cooking conferences (or Bruce Springsteen concerts, whatever the case may be Wink

).

Shelly, the chef's ever efficient secretary, keeps Christopher the lawyer up to date with the latest events.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

I am writing to let you know that Chef Edberg has been called away to an emergency cooking conference and he will be out of the office until next Monday.

He wanted to let you know that he still wants to go forward with The Golden Moose/Club Farfegnugen project. He is still reviewing your answers to the questions that I submitted to you last week.

Do not worry, I will be in communication with him by telephone during his travels and he will be sending me any follow up questions that he has for you. He appreciates your cooperation in this matter and apologizes for any delay that his trip may cause.

He also wanted me to let you know that he has talked to a marketing agent who may be in contact with you.

If you have any questions for the chef, please send them to me and I will try to call him at his hotel.

Sincerely,
Shelly

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 26 Mar 2008 Posts: 14

Worf, this is some of the most entertaining scambaiting I've read for a very long time.
I can almost hear him say "Um de hur de hur de hur" Very Happy

Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 7:31 pm

Dear Stephan Edberg,

There is no need to delay much. Try and send money to
the lawyer to commence the registration of your
company so that we can use one time to kill two birds.You know that apart from your restaurant business thatthere are other businesses we need to do with thecertificate of incorporation of your company. Rememberthat we need the certificate so that we can be able toopen a bank account in the name of your company thatwe will use to secure the fund. Therefore it isimportant that if you would not have time that yousend your sectary to send only $580.00 to the lawyerfirst so that he can commence the registration of yourcompany.
Regards,
Dr. otuvie

It's way too late now to go back to your original scam, Dr. Otuvie. Kudos for trying though.

Dr. Otuvie,

I veell try my best tu cuurdeenete-a thees veet my secretery, boot it is fery deefffficoolt dooe-a tu my trefeleeng thees veek. I essoore-a yuoo I du nut vunt tu deley thees unymure-a thun yuoo du. I prumeese-a I veell hefe-a mure-a teeme-a tu spend oon thees effter Soondey. Bork bork bork!

-Stephan

Meanwhile Christopher the lawyer tries to smooth talk Shelly the secretary.

Dear

I am glad to receive your update and I want to assure you that we are ready to give you the best professional service to make sure that the restaurantis a successful venture. Kindly explain to the chef that it is very important that he make some money available for me to assist me in running around for your transaction and for the commencement of the
Dear Madam,
registration of his company here so that by the time we find a suitable spot his certificate of incorporation would have been ready. If he can make available Euro 500 then it would be enough also to mobilize the property agents. In Nigeria you need to pay Euro 40.00 as non-refundable fee to each property agents and then fill there company form so that theyc an show you available house and even give you the pictures. If there is anything that you do no tunderstand do not hesitate to ask me. I would be expecting your confirmation so that I can send you the information that you would use to send the money.

Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

I will do my best to contact the chef. As I said before, he is out of town this week.

Please go ahead and send the information to me so I can work on this.

Sincerely,
Shelly

Translation: Sure Christopher, do whatever you want while I ignore you as I countdown the days until I see Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce and the E Street band on Saturday Smile

The chef is out of town this week, so your not going to make any progress.

Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:17 pm

April 17th
Dear Shelley,

I must sincerely apologize for my delay in replying
your email as I had a very busy day in court today and only saw your mail when I returned to my chambers this evening to study for the cases I have tomorrow. I would be very grateful to receive the money because it will help you and me in pursuing your matter. It would assist me to proceed to the Corporate Affairs Commission to make name search for your company to make sure the name is available for registration and if it I available I will then pay to reserve the name so that another people can not come and register another company with the same name. It would also assist me to collect the relevant incorporation forms so that I can help the Chef to fill them. I will also give out non-refundable fees to the housing agents so that they can search and bring to our knowledge available houses for sale at strategic places so that the Chef can choose. It would also help me to draft the memorandum of association and the articles of association of the company and send to the Chef for his confirmation before filling it at the CorporateAffairs Commission. You can send the money in the name of my clerk

Title: Mrs.
Name: Helen.
Surname: Ejoh
Address: N0. 3 Waters Works Road.
Onitsha.
City of Collection: Onitsha, Nigeria.
Telephone: +234-8023201582

You can send the money by Western Union Or Money Gram
and as soon as you transfer the money kindly send the
information to my email so that w can move into full
professional action regarding your matter.

Respectfully
Christopher Aniweta.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

Thank you for your response.

As I stated in my previous e-mail, the chef is out of town until this Sunday. I can not access his bank account by myself to send you the necessary fees before then. Please get back to me on Monday and I will tell the chef what is required.

Sincerely,
Shelly

I call Christopher's money picker upper lady, Helen. Who actually does turn out to be a lady (I think).

However, she's not too good at this scamming thing and it takes us about 4 minutes to establish that she is indeed the Helen who's supposed to get the swedish chef's money.

http://media.putfile.com/areyouhelen

Geez.

Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 3:07 pm

So when are you going to have the Swedish Resturaunt surveys? I can see Christopher handing out hundreds of 4" x 6" survey cards that he then has to send back to you in completed format. Laughing

This bait is a classic!

Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 11:38 pm

^ When the chef gets back into town (or whenever I finally get to see the Springsteen concert that got postponed - so maybe Thursday Laughing

)

Christopher has an explanation as to why Helen didn't know she was Helen. She was afraid of sabotage!

Dear Shelley Burns,
Every risk regarding to my side in this transaction is
my responsibility and I trust my staff one hundred
percent. You should appreciate that staffs of legal
chambers are trained to be a bit secretive due to the
nature of our profession. I am quite aware of the
misunderstanding because I was told by Mrs. Helen
Ejoh. What happened was that the young lady was not
expecting any such payment to be made in her name as I
have not briefed her because I brief my staff on need
to know basis.

Well, wouldn't she need to know that someone was sending money to her? Anyway . . .

I wanted when you must have sent me the
transfer information so that I can brief her to go for
the collection of the money so when she received your
call this afternoon it was quite a surprise to her as
she was not expecting any international call or if
your are a saboteur to one of our numerous clients�
cause but when she understood a bit why you were
calling she relaxed a bit. You do not need to worry a
bit and once I receive the transfer information in My
e-box on Monday I would then make arrangements to
proceed professionally in your transaction without
wasting time by going to the Corporate Affairs
Commission for the search and reservation of your
company name. I would also purchase the relevant
incorporation forms and make serious arrangements with
the housing agents that would bring the photos of the
houses that are for sale. Kindly be rest assured that
you are in good professional hands and we have a long
way to go and there is no way any of my staffs or I
can betray the magnitude of trust you have placed on
us and the great journey we are embarking on just
because of littlie money. I can leave a million
Dollars in the hands of Mrs. Helen and know that I
would collect it any time I request so you should not
have a single double mind about sending the money in
her name.

Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta

Dear Christopher,

Thank you for the explanation.

I will contact you when the chef returns tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Shelly

However . . .

Dear Stephan Edberg,
I hope that you are in good health and that everything
concerning your business and travels are going
according to schedule. I was in contact with the
lawyer this evening and he told me the exact stage
that you are with him and that by Monday or Tuesday
after he receive the money tat you would send to him
that he would go to the Corporate Affairs Commission

to check that your company name is available and to
reserve the name so that nobody can come from your
back and register a company with the same name. He
also assured me that he would buy the incorporation
forms so that you can start filling while the housing
agents that he would contract would be looking for a
suitable space. The lawyer said that the houses that
they have seen so far needed a lot amount of work to
convert it to a restaurant/club so that he is still
looking and once he see any he would proceed to the
Registry of Lands to verify the ownership. You should
not worry as you are in good hands and I wish you all
the best in your travel.
Best regards,
Dr. Otuvie.

Dr. Otuvie,

I regret tu inffurm yuoo thet I veell nut be-a hume-a unteel Thoorsdey et zee ierleeest. Um de hur de hur de hur. I hefe-a joost beee inffurmed ooff a deet in my femeely und I hefe-a tu immedeeetely trefel tu Svedee. My belufed seester, Greta, ves tregeecelly trempled by a rugooe-a muuse-a. I em berefft. Um de hur de hur de hur. Pleese-a ixcoose-a thees shurt i-meeel, my greeeff is tuu mooch tu vreete-a mure-a et thees teeme-a. Pleese-a cuntect my secretery fur unytheeng ilse-a unteel I retoorn.

-Stephan

Dr. Otuvie sends his condolences for the chef's loss, but reminds him it's really all about the money.

April 21st:
Dear Stephan Edberg,

Kindly accept my sincere sympathy for what happened to your sister. The best thing is to instruct your secretary to release money to the lawyer tomorrow so that he can be commence with the registration of your company and looking for good space to establish the restaurant. I wish you a safe journey.

Best regards,
Dr. Otuvie.

How thoughtful of him. Too bad the chef is already on a plane to Sweden and didn't get the e-mail.

Christopher the lawyer writes the chef's secretary:
Dear Shelley Burns,

I am sending you this email to confirm that you can use the here under information to transfer the Euro500 tomorrow.

Title: Mrs.
Name: Helen.
Surname: Ejoh
Address: N0. 3 Waters Works Road.
Onitsha.
City of Collection: Onitsha, Nigeria.
Telephone: +234-8023201582

As soon as you transfer the money kindly reach me on my direct line +234-7038465582 to notify me so that we can swing into full professional action in regard to the Chef�s matter.

Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta.

I better break the bad news to him.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

I am sorry to tell you that the chef has had a sudden death in the family and is on his way to Sweden right now for the funeral.

His sister Greta was killed by a moose. It is all very sad. The chef will not return home until Friday at the earliest because he wants to spend time with his mother after the service. Please let Ms. Ejoh know that the money will not be available until then.

Sincerely,
Shelly

Dear Shelley Burns,
I received your email with great sorrow in my heart because life is more important than money. Kindly extend my regard to the Chef for his lose of his lovely sister. You do not need to call Mrs. Ejoh again until you are sure of sending the money as it would look some how if you or I tell her that you are going to send the money on Thursday and you do not send the money. I do not like my staff to look at me as if I do not know what I am doing. Kindly keep me updated.
Regards,
Christopher Aniweta

Well, that's more like it.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

Thank you. I will pass on your condolences to the chef.

As you requested, I will call Mrs. Ejoh once the payment has been sent.

Sincerely,
Shelly

April 22nd:
Dear Stephan Edberg,

I am sending you this email to show you how I really feel about your lose. If not for time I would have loved to be by your side at your sister�s funeral to show you true loyalty. Kindly extend my condolences to your mother and all members of your family for your untimely lose. We are nothing but humans being ready to bow to the will of God at anytime. I am deeply moved by your situation.

Best regards,
Dr. Otuvie

So it was the will of God that my fake character's non-existent sister get trampled by a moose?

Maybe later I can send him a long, sad e-mail about the moose incident, but unfortunately the chef is still "in Sweden" right now and unavailable to respond.

I love it when the lads give you an opportunity to wax dramatic though Laughing

. Time to milk that "sympathy" for all that it's worth!

Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:03 pm

Christopher sends his sympathies, but still wants the money.

April 25th:
Dear Shelley Burns,
I am sending you this email with a heavy heart to know how the Chef and his family is going. I also want to verify is you would be able to send the Euro500.oo tomorrow so that I know how to fix my appointments to enable time me visit the Corporate Affairs Commission tomorrow to make the name search and reserve the company�s name.
Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

The chef is due back sometime this afternoon. Thank you for your sympathy, I will pass it on to him.

I'm sure you understand that it would be inappropriate for me to discuss money with him when he lands. I can not promise to have the funds sent today, but I think Monday will be more of a possibility.

Sincerely,
Shelly

Dear Shelley Burns,
Thank you for updating me. I was sending the email with the belief that the chef returned yesterday. Yes, it is important that you send my condolence to him when he arrives because it is not easy for somebody to loose a sister as I have lost my senior brother in the past and I know how divested I was from my senses then. I quite agree with you that Monday is better for sending the money as it is more convenient for Chef and I.
Regards,
Christopher Aniweta.

Glad to see you agree with me, Christopher. Also, it gives me time to have the swedish chef compose an e-mail detailing his grief using all of the setlist for the Springsteen show I went to Wednesday night. In "swedish chef" speak, of course Wink

April 29th:
Dear Stephan,
I pray that my email reaches you in good health. I want you to take heart because of the lose of your sister and kindly extend my regards to your mother and members of your family for your lose. I wish that I was able to attend the funeral service of your sister. I hope that everything went well. I pray that God will give you the spirit and heart to recover from your sad position and face your life. I hope to hear from you soon

Best wishes,
Dr. Otuvie

The swedish chef decides to respond to Dr. Otuvie's condolence note with selected song titles from Bruce Springsteen's setlist for Orlando, 4/23/08.

Dr. Otuvie,

Thunk yuoo fur yuoor sympethy. Bork bork bork! My seester ves sooch a greet persun.
Bork bork bork! Ve-a vere-a cluser thun bluud bruzeers. Um gesh dee bork, bork! She-a used tu seeng tu me-a ifery neeght vhee I ves a cheeld. Bork bork bork! I used tu be-a effreeed ooff zee derk. Greta vuoold sey, "dun't vurry, ve'll gu dunceeng in zee derk." She-a ves greet. Um de hur de hur de hur. She's zee oone-a vhu elveys beleeefed I vuoold be-a a greet cheff. Et furst, I thuooght I vuooldn't meke-a uny muney es a cheff und thuooght ebuoot gueeng intu redeeu. Greta seeed "Redeeu noohere-a, a cheff is vhet yuoo shuoold be-a."

Greta veell elveys be-a zeere-a tu gooeede-a me-a, leeke-a a spureet in zee neeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Iff I get lust und vunder, "Dues thees boos stup et 82nd St?", I veell theenk vhet Greta vuoold hefe-a dune-a. Greta lufed cundy. Bork bork bork! Ve-a vuoold elveys heeke-a doon zee reefer tu cundy's ruum et zee lucel sveet shup. Oonce-a she-a bet me-a I cuooldn't iet a vhule-a bux ooff cundy. Bork bork bork! I tuld her I cuoold. Bork bork bork! She-a seeed, "prufe-a it. Um de hur de hur de hur." I tuld her I vuoold prufe-a it ell neeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Vhet a greet memury!

I em su med et thet muuse-a fur keelling my seester! I veesh I cuoold teke-a it tu zee bedlunds und boorn it in a fure-a. Zee lucels seeed zee muuse-a ves crezy. Bork bork bork! Meybe-a it gut lust in zee fluud thet my feellege-a hed recently? Vell, I dun't cere-a iff zee veter ves reesing, thet muuse-a hed nu reeght tu keell my seester. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Epperently zee muuse-a hed keelled beffure-a. My seester ves zee lest tu deee-a. I gooess it ves a rugooe-a muuse-a.

It ves a fery lung velk hume-a frum zee foonerel tu my muzeer's huoose-a. My muzeer ves su sed. Bork bork bork! I veesh zee oothureeties vuoold hefe-a tekee zee muuse-a tu a reffooge-a leeke-a Joonglelund beffure-a it beceme-a a rugooe-a muuse-a. Effter zee foonerel, my bruzeer Sven seeed thet ve-a shuoold gu pley sume-a peenbell in zee Defeel's Ercede-a. I deedn't feel leeke-a gueeng, su I run hume-a. My seester Greta seeed thet I ves a guud roonner, I ves burn tu roon (beseedes beeeng a cheff). I em su sed, boot I em gled tu be-a beck hume-a in Emereeca. I reelly lufe-a thees Emereecun Lund. Bork bork bork!
-Stephan

Meanwhile Christopher the lawyer is getting a wee bit impatient with the chef's secretary, Shelly Burns.

Dear Shelley Burns,
I am expecting your update about Chef and the commencement of the registration of your company in Abuja so that I understand how to fix my schedules.

Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta.

Dear Christopher,

The chef just returned to his office this morning. I have a meeting with him this afternoon and I will bring up your schedule.

Perhaps it would be a nice gesture on your part if you would send him a sympathy card.

I think he'd really like that.

I will update you after the meeting.

Sincerely,
Shelly

It doesn't look like a sympathy card is coming.

April 30th:
Dear Shelley Burns,
I really appreciate your gesture by updating me on the state of things. You know that the Chef does not speak English very well so it is up to you to sincerely convey my sympathy and condolence to him. I will appreciate it if you can really make him to understand my sympathy about his loses. Kindly update my after your meeting with him so that I can be able to fix a precise timetable for your matter.
Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta

Dear Christopher,

I understand. Perhaps you could just send a picture of yourself holding a sign saying "I'm sorry for your loss" or "RIP Greta"? I don't know, I'm just trying to make the poor guy feel better. He's really a mess right now.

Well, we did have our meeting yesterday and although personally I don't think his head is ready for business yet, the chef wants to proceed.

He is interested in starting some early promotion in the local area, just to let people know that his restaurant is coming there eventually. Perhaps some flyers or a local stand with balloons. Please get back to me on this as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Shelly

This really pisses Christopher off for some reason.

May 1st:
Dear Shelley Burns,

Thank you very much for your update. Once you interpret all my emails to him then he would understand that I really appreciate his lose and I am not coercing him to proceed with his transaction. TheChef need to send me money to enable me concentrate serve him professionally. After all if he is not paying you as his secretary would you have time to be replying all this long emails? You understand that I am a legal practitioner and not a charity organization and our time and services is what we sell to make money. These promotional items and the people that are going to share it will be given some money and if I had received the Euro500.oo then we would have been mobilizing things from it. Make the chief to understand very crystal clearly that I do not need to hold any sign for him before he can send the money because if he does not trust me as his legal representative then we are discussing nothing and him and his partners are free to look for another suitable lawyer. My dear sister I am an old man of 62 years and there are things that do not bother me any more as I am comfortable with my practice. I have been a member of the Nigeria Bar Association for the past thirty five and I have built my law firm to my standard and I have my principles.

Best regards,
Christopher Aniweta.

Well, Shelly can be bitchy too.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

There is no need to take that tone with me. It was merely a suggestion on my part to help make the chef feel better. If you don't want to do it that's fine.

The chef and I talked about the fee this morning and he is withdrawing the money today. The he will go to Western Union. I'm sure he will e-mail you about that later. However, I would suggest that you get started on the promotional items that I talked about in my previous e-mail. I know you are not a charity, I never implied that you were, but that does not mean we can not be pro-active in this process.

And my salary amount in none of your business and I do not appreciate you bringing that into the conversation.

Sincerely,
Shelly Burns

May 2nd:
Dear Shelley Burns,

I must sincerely apologize if you misunderstand my tone but you know as an old man it is difficult for me to hide my feelings especially when it affects my integrity because I am not looking for too much things from the world now as I am preparing for my exit from this world with a good name. There is no need to send the money today as all my staff are on May day holiday and it would be difficult to co-ordinate them. The best thing is to send the money tomorrow so that the money can be utilized effectively for the Chef�s benefit. Kindly remain blessed and I appreciate everything that you are doing in this transaction. I hereby re-confirm that you can send the money with the hereunder information;

Title: Mrs.
Name: Helen.
Surname: Ejoh
Address: N0. 3 Waters Works Road.
Onitsha.
City of Collection: Onitsha, Nigeria.
Telephone: +234-802**

I really sympathize with the Chef about lose of hissister.
Respectfully,
Christopher Aniweta.

Dear Mr. Aniweta,

Please don't talk like that. You're only 62! You shouldn't be preparing for your exit from this world so soon.

Don't worry about the e-mail yesterday, I was in a rotten mood. Things have been very stressfull here as you can imagine.

I will let the chef know that the money should be sent to Mrs. Ejoh on Saturday to her address.

Sincerely,
Shelly Burns

Meanwhile Dr. Otuvie finally mentions something about potential advertising!

Dear Stephan Edberg,

I am very happy to receive your email and to understand that you are feeling better. It was sincerely sad for me that I did not come at your sisters funeral. Please accept my sympathy once more and I pray that you would recover to concentrate on your businesses. I called the lawyer and told me that he is expecting that you would send him Euro500 tomorrow for him to go to the Corporate Affairs Commission to make sure that your company name is available and to reserve the name. He would also make arrangements for people that would distribute your promotional items after he has agreed on the restaurants slogan and design with you. He would also liaise with the property agents that would help in finding a decent location for your business. I pray that you can be able to concentrate and hasten things up because of the other things we agreed to do with your certificate of incorporation.
Regards,
Dr. Otuvie.

I hefe-a joost spukee tu my secretery und she-a seeed she-a hes beee in cuntect veet zee levyer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! I plun oon gueeng tu get zee muney tumurroo und zeen sendeeng in feea percel tu zee persun zee levyer hes seeed tu send it tu. I em gled yuoo menshuned lugu und flyer deseegn. Bork bork bork! Du yuoo knoo ooff a grepheec erteest vhu cun vurk oon thees oor shuoold I feend my oovn? I'm theenking ooff zee lugu beeeng a guldee muuse-a, becoose-a thet is zee neme-a ooff zee restoorunt. Um de hur de hur de hur. Perheps yuoo cuoold esseest zee levyer in zee lugu deseegn oor feending sumeune-a tu du su. Thunk yuoo egeeen fur yuoor cundulences. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

-Stephan

Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 9:11 pm

http://www.google.com/intl/xx-bork/
if you follow the link to Lungooege-a Tuuls there are some other cool ones

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