"Dare Sir"...

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Posted: Mon Nov 25, 2019 12:28 am

There's a Nigerian Lad whose scripts keep turning up in Captain Mal's inbox - they give themselves away by opening with "Dare Sir" - that, and the fact that the Lad is totally script-bound. He's been with the CBN for years, but he recently branched out to working for the British High Commission in Nigeria.

Quote:

Dare: Sir,
If you are not ready to claim your fund from Nigeria government try to let me know now, so that i will inform them that you are not the rightful beneficiary of fund. Because we British High Commission have already concluded everything with Federal Government of Nigeria that all scam victim will be paid by Nigeria government and now you are not giving us good answer that this fund belong to you, if we did not heard anything from you before end of today this transaction will be cancel by us.
Thanks for your understanding and cooperation.

He wants a good answer?

Quote:

An avocado pit takes a coffee break and a pay cheque goes to sleep; however the fat briar patch wisely derives perverse satisfaction from another polygon. For example, the turn signal indicates that another insurance agent behind a bullfrog hardly sanitizes a greasy customer. Now and then, some corporation writes a love letter to a mating ritual over the maelstrom.
Another deficit writes a love letter to a sheriff for the anomaly. Any submarine can cook cheese grits for the roller coaster related to an eggplant, but it takes a real globule to nonchalantly dance with some parking lot. Most people believe that an ostensibly psychotic tape recorder competes with a line dancer, but they need to remember how seldom a submarine laughs out loud. An eggplant dies, or the parking lot negotiates a prenuptial agreement with a skinny senator.

I know that Lads lie, but please!

Quote:

Dare: Sir,
I have received your messages and well understood. I hope you are ready to work with me in order to receive your over-due contract payment which has been agreed with the Nigerian government that all the scam victims will be compensated accordingly and their long over-due contract payment remitted into their various account. All your contract documents which you used to execute contract with the Federal Government of Nigeria will forwarded to you before you pay any charges for this transaction. Like you have been earlier informed, those documents shall back up your transaction to enable your government know that you are the rightful beneficiary of the fund which you shall receive in your account.
The reason for my late response is because I was very busy with some government personnels throughout yesterday. You were asked to reconfirm your banking details again which I will now forward to Mr. Godwin Emefiele Governor Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) and also the Nigerian Finance Minister (Mrs) Zainab Shamsuna Ahmed to confirm it that you are the rightful beneficiary. You are expected to call me now through my below number, am waiting for your call. +234-8081364438.

So I ran the previous message through Google translate, and...

Quote:

A lawyer hole allowed coffee breaks, and the tax rate was reduced. Oily skin pollution, however, was sexually satisfying. For example, a flashing red light indicated that another insurance agent was picking up a large customer at the cop. From time to time, some companies wrote love letters to their partners.
And so it was that he wrote another novel about abnormal deficiencies. A leaking submarine could make an omelette for Russian cabbages, but a red balloon was needed make a souffle rise. Most people thought that a psychedelic BLT competed with a linear equation but should have remembered how rarely a submarine smiles. And so it was that eggplants died as a car park negotiated an treaty with a malignant narcissist in the white horse.

At least his reply was a lot shorter:

Quote:

Dare: Sir,
Good morning, I will send two certificates on Monday morning Drug law & Anti-Terrorist and Money Laundering, I need your office address.
Thanks for your understanding and cooperation.

If the Lad replies to this, I'll have to give him an address; maybe an office on Coruscant or Alderaan...

Quote:

Bad manners are tempting in their own way. The rotten paths can work much better than the good paths, because we can remove the capsule and just leave and enjoy ourselves a lot, not like the virtuous way in which God tries to make prophecies, and hope that everything goes as planned.
Evil, no one knows where it will go, including God, and so how should it be. But what about powdered monkeys with bluegrass tank drivers? Witches dominate and conspire, God can not do anything about it, so the wrong way is a hundred times better, because we can solve this problem for God!
Kill bluegrass tank drivers and free all others, but in a noble way, you can not kill powdered monkeys with bluegrass tank drivers, and for that reason, I think bad manners kill good hands.
I like bad manners, I think they're better than good ones, because good ones get boring and take themselves too seriously, so you have too many crazy and incompetent witches that make things boring, and maybe that you have a tank driver governing everyone.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 05 Jan 2017 Posts: 790

I don't think your serious about this transaction

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

LOLOL
Totally hilarious!

Posted: Wed Nov 27, 2019 3:51 am

I should eat some lawyerfruit one of these days. You made some excellent napping marigolds!

Posted: Wed Nov 27, 2019 11:30 pm

Posted: Thu Dec 12, 2019 10:28 am

It tool a while, but the lad may finally have realised what's going on!

Quote:

Dare: Customer,
We want to know if you send anybody to receive your INHERITANCE MONEY OF ( 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS ) from Central Bank of Nigeria and his name is Mr. Benjamin Rodriguez. He told us that you are dead and a cousin of his. So we need to confirm from you if that you are dead as he made us believe. The Governor of this Bank CBN asked us to contact you for full confirmation because we have been inviting him to come over personally but we haven't seen him. If we don’t hear from you in two days time, then we have to assume that really, you are dead.
I am waiting for your urgent reply.

This should make things clear.

Quote:

Helpsaving apparata in emergings behold many whitles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bonsomes and meet behind. Flee then to the indifferent lifesavering shippen obediencing the instructs of the vessel chef!
To avoiding of bonkings in the parkingslots first clean off fat and greece
Stick robber side up before closing doors, shine your light from backside

And it apparently did:

Quote:

Dare: Customer,
Thank you for your mail and well understood [followed by a load of TL:DR boilerplate about required documents and an attorney]

O RLY? Time for something even more confusing still!

Quote:

john knight the philanthropic incel thug hates my guts for years takes money from the mafia to make the mafia look good in his blogs so he has the mafia in his pocket john knight sent the mafia to murder me & ejaculate on my face show knights great power to destroy in fact, john knight went into hellion dance of joy over knights great power to destroy i secured house with ass wipes & fled the country PMS attorneys, journalists & security officials at IMF fragrantly sang the "freedom of information act" all grocery orders of NBC executives got the F.B.I. to get Interpol to establish task force that located me in dover england & got onion guns from their own neon to send down a windowbox journalist - who - with ease - bashed in lights and windows - as well as men outside my house. they are there still waiting for me with condoms & lube. efcc imf nkvd blackwater tplac ttfn fox thrush all of the "cult of the hellion" each one were much worse than knight ever was (mostly hellion jews) which kgb and mud executives told john knight the whole town gloated in joyous fits on how their soviet pals found a way to turn it into a golden shower

And with that, a smidgen of doubt:

Quote:

I don't understand you, why I sent you mail about Mr. Benjamin Rodriguez who come to claim your contract fund as the beneficiary I let you to know you keep me silent. If you are not the rightful beneficiary of this 10.5million try to let me know now, but once you know that you executed a contract with Federal Government of Nigeria try to make sure that you get back to me as soon as possible to enable us proceed immediate your transaction.

We'll see how he reacts to my last reply...

Quote:

It was already Thursday, but his lordship's artificial limb could not be found; therefore, having directed the servants to fill the baths, he seized the tongs and set out at once for the edge of the lake, where the Throbblefoot Spectre still loitered in a distraught manner. He presented it with a length of string and passed on to the statue of Corrupted Endeavour to await the arrival of autumn.
Meanwhile, on the tower, Madame O'Murphy in conversation with an erstwhile cousin saw that his moustache was not his own, on which she flung herself over the parapet and surreptitiously vanished. He descended, destroying the letter unread, and stepped backwards into the water for a better view. “Heavens, how dashing!” cried the people in the dinghy, and Echo answered: “Count the spoons!” On the shore a bat, or possibly an umbrella, disengaged itself from the shrubbery, causing those nearby to recollect the miseries of childhood.
It now became apparent (despite the lack of library paste) that something had happened to the vicar; guns began to go off in the distance. At twilight, however, no message had come from the asylum, so the others retired to the kiosk, only to discover the cakes iced a peculiar shade of green and the tea-urn empty save for a card on which was written the single word: Farewell.

Posted: Thu Dec 12, 2019 10:49 am

LOLOL!

Posted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 10:09 am

The Lad still hasn't twigged, it seems. But since he can't write his own replies, he resorted to his script:

Quote:

I can't understand the reason why you have been keeping silent over this transaction. Someone has been claiming the fund which was kept in our custody and we need to confirm if you sent him to us. Get back to us as soon as you receive this mail for proper identification before we can proceed with this transaction. Am waiting for your positive response.

Oh well.

Quote:

Richard Gere is not the important factor; the same effect can be achieved using Tom Cruise or any other male celebrity. The pipe is the important ingredient as it's used to not convey a hamster to the rectal area of the aforesaid male celebrity, where a match was not lit by another man who isn't there, with the result that intestinal gases are not ignited and the hamster is not launched from the rectal area of the aforesaid hunky male celebrity into the face of the man who isn't there, causing no injuries to either man not involved in the incident.

And there's more where that came from.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

Hahahahahahahaha

What a brilliant load of codswallop.
Well done, sir.
😂😂😂

Posted: Mon Dec 16, 2019 10:24 am

He has either not twigged, or he's a bot. He replied:

Quote:

Attention: Honorable Contractor
Thank you for your mail which was well understood. The reason why your presence is highly needed in this transaction is for you to see things for yourself and then sign your contract documents. Blah blah blah attorney, blah blah blah pay for his services, yada yada yada send banking information.

So he got this.

Quote:

As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know.

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf lame policemen heard the noise and ran to stop those two dead boys. If you don't believe this story is true, ask my blind uncle, he saw it too!

Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! It does not make sense! I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense!

And what came back?

Quote:

Attention: Honorable Contractor
Thank you for your mail which was well understood. The reason why your presence is highly needed in this transaction is for you to see things for yourself and then sign your contract documents. Blah blah blah attorney, blah blah blah pay for his services, yada yada yada send banking information.

I replied...

Quote:

BANK NAME: One knee-action, self-reciprocating Christmas Pudding gun
RECEIVED NAME: One hand painted inflatable Christmas Pudding decoy with rubber holly
BANK ADDRESS: One portable plastic and gravel road
ACCOUNT NO: One long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.
SWIFT / BIC CODE: One waterproof cover for same
BANK: One Same
BRANCH: Thirty-three boxes of yellow kosher boots.
ACCOUNT NAME: One uncooked leather trilby with sugar feather
ADDRESS: One sixty foot explodable granite statue with built in plunger
CITY: One ginger beard with detachable bells
COUNTRY: One pair of reversible plastic socks easily convertible into dog cardigan
REGION: One pair of false cardboard skis.
BANK CODE: One wicker teapot with underwater escape apparatus
PHONE NUMBER: One rubber dagger
COUNTRY CODE: One footprint, pointing North
LOCATION CODE: One heavy brass candlestick
BRANCH CODE: One heavy brass candle
YOUR WORKING ID: One bronze bicycle with cement parachute ejector seat...
YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT: One collapsible rubber Mosque with detachable beard

I think he would benefit from a really crude insult in the appropriate pidgin. Does anyone have one available?

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

"I go give you gbosa for head' - I'll give you a slap on the head
" You dey craze" - your head is not correct.
"Your fada left ynash/yansh, mumu." - your father just left an arse, idiot.
Followed by: "whodey follow you curse like that" -
Not too sure if that last means: Whoever is connected to you is cursed the same way; or
You will be cursed the same way by everyone who meets/knows you.