Sister Mary *AUDIOBOOKS* *NSFW* SAFARI UPDATE

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Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:29 pm

@bware - I thank you kindly. I probably will never top this one and that's okay. Even if this one ends today I've been very happy with it and it's okay if I never top it. If anything, the other baiters involved have been very educational as we go along so I owe them a lot of credit. They have filled in when I have been busy at work and vice versa so we've been able to keep the lad busy.

In regards to listing everything the lad has done, I would love to put that in a concise spot. I have updated the first post a number of times to make things easier to find, even for my own reference. Earlier today I was wondering just how many characters have emailed the lad - it has to be more than a dozen with more on the way. And when I try to explain this to friends, even I forget half the story sometimes! Plus all the hidden gems involved that no one even notices make it worth re-reading! Smile

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:33 pm

Our hero is running scared. To the Inspector:

Quote:

Sir I went to Cameroon to pick the package but Murttley has the delivery van that was suppose to deliver my package,,they has the delivery agent and the van ,that is what that means,sir I did not receive anything ,am going back to nigeria,i will open a new email and write you,because this boys ar after my life

I thought Mr Tough Guy wasn't afraid of kids?

Quote:

OK buddy, message received. How will I know it's really you? Just use your code name from before! I won't mention it here in case we're being tracked.

Surely, his new email address will be safe from those Snorkys!

Will our hero abandon Wolfie in his time of need?

Quote:

SOMEONE HELP ME!!! I AM IN VAN. BEATEN AND BLOODY! HANDS TIED BEHIND BACK. GOT MY PHONE FREE AND TYPING WITH TOES. VERY DIFFICULT. VAN JUST STOPPED SOMEWHERE. SEND HELP FAST. NOT KNOW WHERE I AM. THIS IS WOLFIE! SOMEONE HELP!

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:06 pm

He's clearly tired and not thinking straight.

To the Inspector from his old email address:

Quote:

Loaded Creampie, that is the name,

Quote:

Yes, genius, I know your code name. I didn't want to include it in case the Snorkys are monitoring. OK, well fuck. Just write me from your new address and we'll go from there.

I'll admit I'm in tears!

To Wolfie (did he not see his plea for help???) and cc'd to everyone at the shipping co:

Quote:

Sir if i did not hear from you till 9am,i will not have any other option than to go back to my country and your company will return the parcel back to USA or Nigeria. if anything happens to my package,you and your company will answer to that,i have contacted my parcel senders lawyer and the sender's of the parcel.i bet your company will pay every thing including my personal expenses here and your contract will be terminated because of you people unprofessional treatment given to customers. You company are ill human. Even you as a person never cared to know how a foreigner that came to your country just to receive a parcel fared. Very bad of you and your company.this could be a way to market your company to my country.

What? Market to your country? He's tired. Hope he gets some sleep on the 22 hour bus ride home.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:19 pm

I'm sure we could encourage him to take a detour on the way home. Maybe somewhere nice like Maiduguri. Or maybe Muttley could suggest a rendezvous point somewhere closer to home in some random Cameroonian village. If he shows up, he gets the package. Otherwise, nothing.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:58 pm

Wolfie takes another shot but I fear our hero is headed home to Mr Bingo.

Quote:

PLEASE HELP ME! STUCK IN VAN! THIS IS WOLFIE!!! TRYING TO GET HANDS FREE. NOT SURE WHERE I AM BUT I AM BLOODY AND HEADACHE! VAN STOP AND IT DARK AND I NEED HELP! SOMEONE AROUND SAY MAIDUGURUI!!! PLEASE! SEND HELP! ANYONE!

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

That email cracks me up. Will GPSE be sending him a customer satisfaction survey to fill out? To be fair none of these delays can really be pinned on the delivery company. Is it their fault the van broke down? Moses went to pick the lad up but he had changed locations. That is his fault. Surely you cannot blame GPSE for one of their employees being kidnapped. As usual our lad is being selfish

ETA - Might he have better luck in a different country?

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

It is interesting to note that despite all the evidence that none of this is real he still fully believes in this fantasy world we have created for him, much like many 419 victims continue to believe despite attempts to show them differently

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:51 pm

Congrats on the Safari, Team Humphere. Looks like your hero is stredded in hash conditions Cool

This is such a beautiful bait. I can't wait to see to where you will move him next. Has he already got a tattoo?

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 9:40 pm

We have a plan to keep him busy once he returns, if he doesn't go to Maiduguri. There may be forms to fill out, plus the Snorkys are still out there. If he wants his package, it's Maiduguri or bust.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

Sir thank you for your understanding,I have slept in the motor park for three days now,everyday they keep telling me where to meet them,I will stay there from morning till night I will not see them,sir I have been detained by police and I slept at police check point the whole night,the police accuse me to be a criminal because I do not speak their language and they took all the money I have by force,sir up till now I have not eating,all I do is to drink water,in fact I am sick now and things keep coming out from my body because of poor hygiene,lack care and no money to feed, now they have informed me that they are going to deliver my package to Mr.Murttley,which I never ask them to do,how can they do that without my I.D? Sir I don't have money to go back to Nigeria,I don't have money to eat,I am looking like a mad man in the street,nobody understand English language here making it hard and difficult for me to ask anybody for favour or help.sir this company does not have office here in Cameroon, i have even gone to other couriers services company like DHL, TNT and UPS to enquire if they know GPS E Track office. nobody knowns about them here Yaounde and Douala that they asked me to go before.if they do why are they hiding their office address and phone contact from me. The gave me fake number and fake address at the first time,sir I plead with you,I have gone through hell trying to get this package,sir this company need to be sue for this,since morning,I have been at the meeting point they ask me to be there by 8am and now it is 2pm,I have not had from them.if I did not get any positive response from them till night,I will start crying in the motor park to see if they can cross me to the border,sir please if I leave this package and go,why can't the court help me and cancel this check and transfer the money to my account? Please sir help me on this, secondly about the modeling contact,you can give the guy my contact if you trust this man,and if he is not snorkey boys.thank you. As I will wait for your response

I'm sure he is embellishing, but I have no doubt that he is not having a good time. And it looks like he is not heading back to Nigeria yet. Feathers will send him an email later tonight to lift his spirit.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:03 pm

I hate to break it to everyone, but our great hero has completely ignored Wolfie's cries for help. Nothing. Nada. Poor Wolfie, I liked him. I'm definitely using him on future baits.

Meanwhile...

To Sister earlier today:

Quote:

Madam I am very sad,uptill now I have not receive any of those gift,the company that is suppose to deliver them to me has fail to do so,I have been in the country were they ask me to come and take it since Sunday yet the whole address they gave me is lies,now they told me that someone ealse said that I send him to come and pick it up for me,but that is not true,madam i am not happy,I don't know why they can not send those your beautiful gift to me.am tired I don't know what to do again,does it mean that I can not get any good thing from your island

Pretty much the whole point of this, yes.

Quote:

Oh my dear Mr Hump Here with the good looks,

I don't know what to say! It sound like things be horrible out there for you. But there really are such good things on our island and I do think you would love our island though and maybe you plan to visit sometime! I let you bunk with Orphan Timmy as his top bunk is available so you let me know when you might come. I ask him right now and he say thine wishes be acceptable to thy mr hump here indeed so that be very nice of him. I so sorry you go through troubles but remember to trust in baby jesus and he help guide you. I wish I knew what delivery company but it was not me who sent the package so I cannot be much help and I do hope kind mr hump here you accept my apologies for that and I know you do.

I'm pretty sure he's headed home. I can't find the bus schedule online but he indicated buses leave from Yaounde at 8pm. So I think he's gone. A quick safari but a fun one!

ETA -- written before Jayhawk's message above. What do I know?

More to come!!!

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:09 pm

It's past midnight there, so he's most certainly going to wake up in the morning to discover all of the messages from everyone, including Wolfie. Don't forget to remind him that Mr. Bingo was spotted in Lagos. If he comes home, I want him to come home a broken, miserable, and paranoid wreck. He's still been pretty quiet to me, but he consistently sends at least one message a day, which albeit being low for him, still indicates that he trusts me. Once he arrives back, or maybe in a day or two otherwise, we have a plan which if he accepts will cause much mayhem. Here's a hint: James Bond. I also have the feeling that he may go to Maiduguri at some point if there's still hope of receiving his package there. I would also like to push him further south, which could happen in a few ways.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:12 pm

I hope you're right but Wolfie sent his last message at 9:54pm local time there. First one at 8:50pm there. I think he's bailing on Wolfie.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Yea! Feathers is back in action!

Quote:

howdy enema it yur old pal feathers i is nu and emproved feathers tin tims da feathers fun wit tin tims da feathers evel did u mis me??? i bet yu curos as 2 how i brekes out of jale well it my seeret and beeteeen me and my dark lard satin

hey enema yu stil at 25 <address snipped> ??? dat were mr bingo wating 4 u is yu stil gong bak hom?? if so yu wil mete mr bingo sune he so sited 2 mete yu

enema y yu sel me ot 12 popo??? i tot yu was my frend it yur falt dat doody is deaded and yu lies 2 me abot my charleze????? yu is a bad man

enema me and mr mutley gots da tuc diver and we woking on him 2 get da combernaton 2 da safe so we gets yur mony he a tuff nut 2 cack so far but we kepes woking on him

enema i bets yu is injoying da cuse me and my dark lard satin puts on yu i bets evar sinse yu sold me out 2 popo yu lif has been bad my dark lard satin gives me gud curs 2 cast on yu so yu is fuked dis al yur falt enema

Maybe now he will finally listen to Cammy.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

He replies to Feathers. He is lying, of course

Quote:

Your mother is curse,I am a child of god and you and your devil can not course me,and in the name of Jesus I curse you and your devil,I am on my way now to my house,I will kill Mr bingo and bring the head for you to eat,what money are you talking about?I collected my package yesterday so you are late,you can kill him,I don't care

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:56 pm

It would be a shame if Feathers called him out on his lie. We have done the first step of operation James Bond; tomorrow, when he responds, the fun will begin. The thread of "i will kill Mr bingo and bring the head for you to eat" is a really good signature line. I'm guessing that he will take a few days to crawl back to Lagos. I wonder how much money he had to borrow to go to Cameroon. When he comes back, things will be interesting.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:03 pm

Quote:

I collected my package yesterday so you are late,you can kill him,I don't care

NOOOOO!!! Wolfie!!! I knew he left him for dead.

Glad to hear he finally got his package. I guess we can just wrap it up here I suppose. Thanks all for reading!

Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

relly enema? dat da best yu can du?? MO LIS??? enema yu evar wondar how da van breke down?? i tel yu enema mr muttley por suger in da van gas tank and dat mak da engen di now se enama i is hones wit yu i has al ways ben hones wit yu but al yu du is li to me and som how I IS DA BAD GUY HER??? i dont undar stand splain to me enema i nose yu not get da mony from da onvelope it stil in saf in da van i nose dis enema i also nose dat yu not hom cus me bingo wating 4 yu and he tels me yu stil not hom so have sum curtosy and tel me da tooth 4 once enema

In a strange way, Feathers is right. He has not lied to the lad. Okay technically his whole life since meeting Lake has been a lie, but you know what I mean.

eta - is brain is working overtime

Quote:

I always tell you the truth but your stupid enough not to believe me.all that package and the email with moses was made to distract you because me and inspector and penfold knows your stupid and you will go for it,but here is what I will tell you,after Murttley gave sis Mary the explosive,penfold assistance found out,so they send the parcel into two,the one with explosive and the one with my money,so idiot I collected my package and I am close to Nigeria and I will be going to Lagos in the morning,my friend the one that you are tracking in that van was the one in which thaexplosive was remove from,all you will see inside is toys,hahahahaha,you are folkish my friend

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:42 pm

Then why does Wolfie swear his package has money? He hasn't sent me anything for James Bond yet. I'll send him a poke in about 30 minutes if there's no response.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:45 pm

Wolfie wouldn't know. He's just a lowly delivery boy. Or was. Not sure yet.

I actually kind of like where Humphere is going with this. Big chance of entertainment.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:04 am

Cammy is distressed, because she's seen the horror that awaits Mr H.

Quote:

You have no ideal what its like rite now, I did my best to keep the destroyer and warship of the devol fallato in jaol, but the fuckwit in chage took down the wrads and four men died hirrobly and evil was set lose, I know in mu hart that hes after revanche but hes not out to kill me no, he kows how much it hurtz me when peepz I helped get harmed or surfer, the runes are clear to me, he wants you to surger, not a clean dearth, theres a man sent to give you the Darth of Nine, its from a book of dark lore and its this, Scurging, Flaying, Salting, Gelding, Blinding, Hanging, Drawing, Queartering and Behading, anyon killed that way goes strait to hellfire no mater what they belived or how good they were, no mount of grace can save you, you have to run and hide, dont go home, dont go anywere youd nomally hang out cos the man sent to kill you knws them all, find somwere far far away and hide, and pray he never finds you

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

I want to sleep,I have so much money now and beautiful naked woman in my bed,so good luck with your breaking the empty van,I forgot to tell you that inspector told police here to put tracker on that package and also that van have a tracking device so police will be there soon to get you and nelson oh sorry let me call him Murttley ,I have told police and the Wolfgang manager what is happening,

Quote:

li li li li li se i nose dat al yu do is li so da oposit of wat yu tels me is da tooth

fule

eta = It's two in the morning in Cameroon and he's awake having email arguments with Feathers. His battery has to be low by now.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:17 am

He made contact with "Mike". I'll send him his first briefing mail in a few minutes, so he can wake up and start his new career as a secret agent.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:39 am

Here we go:

Quote:

Security changes dictate that I give you this update before you wake up. You have been selected, based on recommendation from Inspector Pitt, to join a highly secure and excellent program as an extension of Interpol. I am your handler. You will call me Mike. Your current codename, Loaded Creampie, is tainted. It is connected with a previous, insecure operation. Your new code name is Bonzi Buddy. You will sign every email with the phrase "Bonzi Buddy". You will respond to all of my emails, as soon as you receive them with "Roger that". You then will either give your full response, or wait until later and then give your full response. This is to ensure that the operation is secure. Operational security is the essence of every classified operation. Emails should not contain personal information, which could be used to track you. Now, we are going to discuss field operations. As an agent, you will conduct multiple operations. These may involve tracking down specific Snorky Boys, or reconnaissance. Here are the protocols for field operations:
1. You will wear clothing to blend in to the local populace. This will make it harder for your targets to identify you.
2. You will take a photo of yourself with the clothing that you are wearing and send it to me before each mission. This is to ensure that if something goes wrong, we know what to look for.
3. If you are on a reconnaissance mission, you will take at least three clear photos of the target location or person, and submit these to me with a clear description of the operation and what occurred. This includes every person you talked to on the mission, how you got there, a full description of the target, and a description of any issues which occurred. This will be submitted no later than 3 hours after completion of the mission.
4. You may have to deposit documents in specific locations for other agents to pick up. Unless under exceptional circumstances, you will not meet with agents in person. This procedure is known as a "dead drop". Documents will be placed in a briefcase or secure storage mechanism. A picture of the secure storage mechanism will be sent to me before the mission. Once you arrive at the designated location, you will take a picture of the secure storage mechanism in its location and return to safety. These procedures must be completed in a timely manner. All times will be given in Lagos time, or GMT+1.
5. If you do have to meet with other agents or people associated with us, you will give them the information or tell them the code phrase. They will respond in character, as if they do not know what you are talking about. You will do the same if people give you code phrases. You will then leave and return to a secure location.
6. You will be expected to create a Google document or other form of database containing the descriptions of all of your targets and reconnaissance locations for operational security. This portfolio must be updated after every mission, and will be submitted for inspection once a week.
More advice will be given later. You are to respond to this email, in addition to standard procedure, with thorough answers to the following questions:
1. What is your new code name?
2. What is a dead drop?
3. How will you report information about reconnaissance missions to me?
You will also respond with your current location so you can be given your first mission. Payment will be given in lump sums after successful blocks of missions.

This could either completely fizzle out or become the best part of this bait. Only time will tell.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Penfold responds

Quote:

Mr. Humphere

I am taking a break from campaigning and saw your email. Frankly sir, I am surprised. GPSe prides itself on five star customer service. I am sure whatever problems you may be having can be explained by the company. Have you asked them?

Mr. Humphere, let me be honest with you. All the problems you are having are your own fault. I told you about the criminal Feathers and his power and I told you that this office provided the services of Sister for you and you refused, as you thought you were smarter than those of us who saw the demon feathers up close. So sir, if you are having problems I suggest you stop blaming everyone else and look at yourself.

VOTE PENFOLD

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