Sister Mary *AUDIOBOOKS* *NSFW* SAFARI UPDATE

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Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 9:09 pm

Mr. Humphere has his first mission:

Quote:

Bonzi Buddy,
Your first mission will be in Yaounde. You will go to the Hôtel La Falaise first thing tomorrow morning. You will take a picture of the front of the hotel. You will then go inside the hotel to the front desk. You will tell the clerk there this message in French: "Les chaussettes du boulanger sentent des escargots". If there are multiple clerks, you will tell this message to the clerk closest to the front door. You will then go outside and wait for the first African man to pass by wearing a business suit. You will then tell him this message in French: "Vous ressemblez à une anguille". After that, your mission is over. Do not forget to file your mission report after you are finished. Good luck. If you have questions, please ask them in the next two hours.
Mike.

The messages aren't inappropriate, but they are a bit weird. Feel free to look up the translations. He may have some questions, but I trust that he will succeed.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

Sir you can ask inspector ,he knows about my new email

He included all of the emails he sent to Pitts as well as a couple of pics

The other pic is pretty much the same thing. He does not look happy

I figured I would get in on the Star Wars thread

Quote:

Yes, that is Mr. Humphere but how do I know that photo was taken today and not under duress. If you want to prove to me that you are truly Mr. Humphere and that you have not been captured by the Snorkys send me a picture of yourself holding a sign reading

MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU

If you do that I will know that you really are Mr. Humphere. If you refuse I will know that you are the criminal Feathers and Mr. Humphere is more than likely dead.

VOTE PENFOLD!

Two hours later

Quote:

Sir here is the picture you ask me to snap

He has got to be smelling pretty rank by now.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 9:33 pm

Where should he go next? If he successfully completes his mission, and dies not get arrested or beat up, I plan on sending him to somewhere on the outskirts of Yaounde, and then maybe somewhere else. He told me he plans on returning to Nigeria soon, so hopefully we can move him. I kind of want him to head into the CAR. Even if he comes home, we can keep him busy there. As he completes more missions, he will start hunting Snorkys, or scouting out their meeting points.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 9:42 pm

Where in the world is he? Hopefully a bath house.

I was just rereading the first few pages of this bait to update my character guide and thought, wouldn't it be great if Eliot comes home from summer camp tomorrow? Pastor simply forgot that he signed the permission slip. Ah hah hah! Tempting...(I'm only half serious...)

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

But if Elliot comes home that means our hero has no reward money

Feathers sends him a nice greeting

Quote:

howdy enema how is yu doin???? is yu haveng fun in camerune??? me and mr muttley is having a gud tim hear we sets van diver luse he nic guy and we figur it yu falt and not his so y shuld he suffer cus yu is soo stoopid?? we bete him up rele gud but he wil liv den we sat fir 2 day van so yur pakage is long gon tuff luk enema me and mr muttley is gonna hang arond her and injoy som of dat locel hores but dont yu wory enema mr bingo stil watcheng yur hom even do popo is avary ware but mr bingo relly gud at hidin he say he cant wate 2 play piggies wit yu and ho nos enema maybee we finds yu in camarune and we takes yu 2 mete mr bingo in person

enema yu is fuked dis is wat yu get 4 ling 2 me and geting doody deded

Meanwhile he replies to Joe Bob

Quote:

Mr Joe I got your email and thank you for your offer,but I am a little confuse,can you explain well everything you need from me and everything about it ,so that I will look into it and reply you

Quote:

Mr. Nyash

I apologize. I thought my email was very clear. I want to offer you a contract to appear in my magazine and my magazine exclusively. I want to take professional photos of you having sex with a goat. I am offering $5,000 up front and another $5,000 once the photos appear in my magazine. I also require exclusive rights to your video services. I believe that your talent for fucking goats and my readers desire to see as much of you fucking goats as possible we can make a bunch of money together. Please don't tell me you have other offers. I guarantee you that whatever other offers you have I can match.

I await your respnse

I think he is desperate for money

Quote:

Mr Joe I have just two question to ask you but I will ask one after the othet. knowing too well that I am a Nigerian ,were will be the location of this photo shoot.Nigeria or your country ?

Hey, he's the star. We can shoot wherever he wants.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:02 pm

He may be a bit suspicious about modeling in Maiduguri; why not Kano? It keeps him far away from Lagos, and it's in Nigeria, so what cause does he have to complain? I'm glad to see that Feathers is still heckling him. Hopefully he's up for a long day of travel and pain tomorrow.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Quote:

Good morning sir,how was your night.how is Wolfgang and his health. Hope he is getting better. please I want to know your plan for me today. I am tired of all these situations. When and where are we seeing today? Pls I need your response .
Thanks

Moses sets a new meeting place:

Quote:

Hello Mr Humphere,

Wolfgang has been hurt badly. Someone took him. Someone did things to him, horrible things. He has woken but he is in bad shape. His body is not in the condition that I last say him in. Parts are missing. He had captors who treated him terribly!

We absolutely must meet today. I am scared to meet in Yaounde because of what happened to poor Wolfgang and knowing that those terrible people are still out there somewhere. It has something to do with your package. Do you know these people? I still don't understand everything. My God if you could see him.

With these people out there, I want to meet out of the city, but not far. I am taking one of the vans to Mfou. It is a town just outside of Yaounde. Not far, much closer than Mbalmayo. I am at the Fish Store off Route de Mfou... it is a popular fish store I have come here many times to buy fish. I want you to meet me there. I will have your $2,000 USD as was authorized by the Customer Care Department. Quite frankly I am glad that they granted you this payment as you have gone through far too much to get your package. And so has Wolfgang. This entire ordeal has been tough for all involved. You need to inform me about these people that took Wolfgang. Do you know them? We will speak soon.

I will see you in Mfou.

He's not a fan of my plan...

Quote:

Sir,I am sorry I will not be able to meet you any other place of the town of Yaoundé because I don't have transport to come there and I can continue begging in your town because I came to receive my parcel from your company. NO WAY! If you are afraid fix the meeting in a near by police point in town or military zone. If it is where motor bike will reach I will beg one to take me there. Why are you punishing me? Since a week now. Is it a sin using you delivery company ? If you are not OK fix it in your office you can call security if you are afraid. I am harmless all I need is my parcel.I will leave your country.
Sir,I don't understand is that the way you treat your customers? Or do you people want to steal my parcel. No way.......

Moses insists it is the only safe way...

Quote:

Sir, you must! I will park across the street from the Fish Store. Plan to meet me here at 11am. Hire a driver if you need to, tell them that I will pay your fare once you have arrived here. It is a very short distance outside of Yaounde, not a long journey at all. Safety is needed from these wicked men! Come here I will pay any fare that is needed. I will see you at 11am. Yes yes.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

It must be fairly clear to him by now that his parcel is toast, so let's hope he is able to reach the meeting point to receive his $2,000 compensation. Lolol

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

I love it when he talks tough

Quote:

Fool I have a bad news for you,billy was in my house last night but bingo was not there,I search every were for bingo but I did not see your bingo,maybe you should call him and ask him were he is,so that I can kill him and bring his head to you,but for the van,if you like burn it if you like don't burn it is not any of my business OK? Did you kill Wolfgang just as you kill Elliot? Were is Wolfgang maybe you should torture him to give you the code,or do you want my help? but this what I will tell you as my enemy and as my friend,popo knows were you are and popo knows were you and Murttley and other stupid boys are.let me know when you get the toys in my package OK? Good bye fool.

eta

Quote:

howdy enema man yu ochdid yu self dere enema i tins yu has sad so meny lis dat it not poseble 3 yu to tel da tooth any mo lets luk at sum of da lis yu has told

- yu tels da pengwin dat she won car and mony dat wen it stated we both no dis no tru yu was just tring 2 stele mony FROM ORFANS!!!
- mr muttley show me yur male and dat wen we snorkys decidead 2 chop da dolla unluky 4 yu
- den aftar al dat yu cums bak 2 stel from da old man yes enema i nose dat was yu wonse agan yu STELING FROM ORFANS!!!

Enema yu is da lowast of da lowast and i wil mak it my lif wok 2 mak sur yu nevar mak any mony it personal now enema and trst me yu dont want it 2 get personal wit da snorkys

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:26 am

^ Finally getting to the heart of hit. Be horrible if Feathers leaks that to the press.

Not entirely sure where I want to go with this as I'm looking for humor but playing a sexy reporterette that has a crush on a Nigerian is a bit of a stretch for my brain...

To Jenna (the reporterette):

Quote:

Madam am sorry for not given you reply soon enough,just that a lot of things are happening so fast.please for give me,how do i make it up to you,?

Quote:

Well Mr Ny*sh,

You are there! I was beginning to think I scared you away. But you are such a handsome man and a reporter always gets what she wants!

I wanted to get your response to the ads which you are featured in! They appear to be outstanding and are getting quite the reaction. This may put Penfold in a good position. Penfold even dropped a hint that you might do an ad with Cameroon natives! Is this true? If Penfold can get the Nigerian AND Cameroon vote that would for sure give him the governorship!

I must say sir you are very handsome in this ad and I can only hope we get to meet in person someday. You have a style about you that is hard to resist!

I'm hoping that while Wolfie recovers, Jenna might be my go-to character for a few days.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Penfold finally responds to our hero

Quote:

Yes, it is you isn't it. Nice idea to change email accounts. These Snorkys are a worldwide organization and they have some of the greatest criminal minds in the world working for them. What is going on with your payment? Did you finally get it all straightened out? Donny was asking me about it last night at a fundraiser we had and he said if he had to get involved he would. Have you heard from the criminal Feathers? We really need to get him back on death row as soon as possible. I like your idea about Cameroons for Penfold. When do you think you can get that video to me? My opponents are making a big thing out of the criminal Feathers and they are blaming me for everything that happened even though we both know that I was the one who told them not to remove the warding. They weren't lying when they said that Politics is a dirty business.

VOTE PENFOLD!

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:06 pm

He's been quiet to Mike and Justin today. Why can't he complete a simple mission? He only needs to take one picture, and give two people code phrases. This isn't rocket science. Hopefully he is busy off in Mfou or wherever he is.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

I wonder if he has any credits left on his phone. When he does get hold of you he needs to be reminds about the need to stay in constant contact.

eta - He has agreed to doing the animal porn! Confident little bastard, isn't he?

Quote:

OK Mr Joe I am going to work with you as long as you don't work out side our agreement,and here is my condition ten thousand dollars upfront ,and ten thousand dollars after you have publish it,and also the date you are hoping to publish it,must be written on the agreement document .I wait your response

It is a Sunday so Joe Bob will wait until he is in the office on Monday to respond. I sure hope this decision doesn't come back to bite him in the ass Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:03 pm

He is hesitant:

Quote:

Sir I can't work for you ,that condition you gave me,I don't fine it favourable ,I made a mistake at the last case and that is the reason while I am stranded in Cameroon now without food or taken my bath and have been sleeping in the motto park for 5days now,please find another person to do your work for you because I am not as good as you think.the information they gave you about me is not true.but if you insist that I must work for you,you must have to pay me some money up front then the rest when the job is done,anything beside this,will not be good for me.thank you for finding such quality that does not exist in me

I told him that I'll pay him after he completes one mission. Hopefully he takes my offer, and if he doesn't I'll suggest that he picks up the money from the bank; he will only need to give the code phrase to the clerk and his money will be right there. If not, Snorkys.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

To Penfold. This might be the most pathetic lad email I have ever received

Quote:

Good morning my excellency and am wishing you a wonderful Sunday,sir I know you are a good person and I know what good impact you will make if you become this governor which I know you must surely become,sir even though I do make you angry sometimes, but it has never change the love and respect I have for you,sir I am coming to you as a child and I plead with you to forgive me if I have done anything to you in the past.sir at this point you are the only person that can help me,sir I did everything you ask me to do during this case,despite the fact we don't have electricity, I went beyond to get money to make sure I don't disappoint you ,and at that point I had no job sometimes I use the little I am suppose to eat to get fuel,buy data,just to deliver in my own little way,sir I know you brought sis but what is happening now is beyond that,sir I have never doubt you or anything you said,for me now you are my second god,it is not easy for someone like me be to be with a grate man in the society like you,but sir god brought you into my life for a purpose
.sir right now,I don't have any were to go,a man has been paid to kill me and he is in my house waiting for me to come home,here in Cameroon,I have not eating for five days all I eat is grandnut and drink water,I am sick,some pulse is coming out on my face,the delivery company has refuse to deliver the package ,they refuse to show me there office and I have not seen any face from that company,every day they will give me were to meet them but I will be there from morning till night I will not see them,people in the motto park that I sleep are beginning to mistake me for a thief,now the few people that I tell about this,keep telling me I am been scamed.but I told them no because I trust you with my life,now feathers has to bribe the delivery van driver and they now have the van with my package inside although they don't have the code to the van,sir I know in my heart that you care about me because if you don't a man at your level will not be humble to ask me to do anything for you,sir how will you feel when you wake up one morning and hear that this boys has killed me? Or that I die of hunger? Now the money i did not recive it yet am dying for it.Sir this the chance for you to save my life.,I can not fight this boys,please sir don't forsake me now,don't turn your back on me? Because without you all this package will not happen,sir I have been begin some drivers but one accepted to drive me to some point maybe from there I can beg another driver.but I have to write you because this might be the last email i will write to you from cameroon,if I did not get any response from you till morning, I will start going.But sir I think it will make much sence to get camerooners shouting vote for penfold with me in French and also shouting we love penfold in French,so sir are you going to let this opportunity pass you? Sir please all I need from you is to help me and cancel that check before it take my life.sir I know you have the power to cancel that check please let the money be send to me in my bank account,sir please confirm that you can do it for me,if not I will have to forget the check a run far because the snorkey boys are getting close enough to me here and I don't want to die please help me.sir if there is a way I can get any amount here in Cameroon I can get them for your video.please email soon,if you email me fast I might prospone my traveling and get that video first,sir help me and cancel the check let the money be paid to my account,or cancel that check write another one and use dhl or ups courier company to send it to me in Nigeria because feather will have that one you gave because feathers told me today that since the van driver escape last night while they were having sex with the prostitude that he is going to set the van on fire.sir email me soon enough.thank you and god bless you

Quote:

Yes, i think of you as my son and sometimes parents have to be tough with their children. The state hired Sister to provide you protection but you refused her help. Now you are paying the consequences for that decision. I could send you some money, but what lesson would you learn from that? No, I view this as a teachable moment. I suggest you contact Sister and beg forgiveness and ask for her help. Maybe if you are lucky she will agree to pull your ass out of this mess you made for yourself.

I am off to spend the day campaigning. A quick lunch with the Daughters of the Confederates (I hate their damn cornbread and ham-hocks), but sacrifices have to be made when you are running for public office. Tonight is the big gala with the Police Union. Kansas City Strip steak, baked potato and glazed asparagus. I hope I don't fill up on ham-hocks and cornbread at lunch and can eat it all. With any luck I will come away with a police endorsement.

Wish me luck and VOTE PENFOLD

By coincidence (I'm sure) Penfold's Spam box has been filling up. It seems he has won a number of lotteries.

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:32 pm

Five days traveling can make a man needy.

Quote:

Mrs janne how are you today?and thank you for all your kind words and after reading your email,I just wish I can see your beautiful face and see how beautiful your tungues and lips are because that is the part I like most in a woman,Mr janne I need you to do me a fovour,this company that they use to send a parcel to me by name gpse*...what do you know about them?please can you help me and get the office address and phone number in Yaoundé Cameroon? Just do that for me and I will tell you all that you don't know that will sale your story big time.thank you

Maybe Jenna can get an assignment in Africa and make him travel.

Quote:

Well I can promise you that you'd love my lips and I've never had anyone complain about what I can do with my tongue. Men or women. Gosh I really shouldn't be sharing this but your face makes me blush!

I don't know much about your shipping company but I'll look into it and get back to you. It sounds familiar though and I think I've seen their commercials about the five star customer service. And the jingle is great - whether you're shipping to Asia, Canada or Mars, you can always bet our service will be five stars. Bum bum. Yes, everyone knows that one. Are you trying to ship something to Cameroon?

Maybe I can try to get on special assignment to somewhere in Africa to finally meet the great hero Humphere Ny*sh! Wouldn't that be great! I'll work on that and your shipping address.

Well out of my element here. Shocked

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:35 pm

That is only mildly disgusting. I gave him the instructions for receiving his money:

Quote:

Fine. I'm not actually from Beaver Island, so you can't blame me for your issues there. If you're going to be so stubborn with this, I have found a way. Another big concern is that the Snorky Boys will steal the payment if we are not careful. Go to the Afriland First Bank by the Residence Rogui. The clerk there does not know who the money is for. Tell them "Tu brûleras en enfer pour tes péchés". They will then give you your $1000. If they seem not to understand, maybe because your French pronunciation is bad, try "Ta mère trompe ton père". Once you have your money, report back to me. If there are any issues, let me know and I will have your money transferred elsewhere. Time is of the essence. After this, I will give you your next operation.

I'm sure that telling the bank clerk "You will burn in hell for your sins" and "Your mother cheats on your father" will work out well. He hasn't responded yet, which hopefully means he is going off to find the bank.

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:51 pm

His wife died last month if I need remind anyone...

Quote:

Miss janne,believe me the pleasure will be mine to see you and if you can come down to Nigeria,I will be the happiest man on earth maybe we can work on that.miss janne,what do you know about the shipment of the reward money on that fellatio case?

Quote:

Mmm, yes that would be nice to meet you in person.

I know a lot about Fellatio. More than most I hope. But I can always learn new things I suppose. I do know his escape from prison was borderline miraculous and four guards were killed. And that he hasn't been seen since. Inspector Pitt gives a press briefing every day but he's had no new information. I don't know much of anything about the shipping of reward money. That is usually done behind the scenes without the press involved to protect identities of informants. I can only assume you were one of the recipients of some of the money but if so and how much is really none of my business.

All I've seen of you is in court and on the commercials. If you have time and it's not important, is there a photo of you that you could send?

I'm not sure I want to open his next attachment. Perhaps I need to rethink this path.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

^ Oh, no, don't do that! You're doing a splendid job, Lake. Bwahahahaha Shocked

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 3:42 pm

He's getting desperate:

Quote:

Mr Mike use this name to send the money to me here in Cameroon through western union or money gram. Receivers name( OKEZIE CLEMENT NWOKOMA) country(CAMEROON) city (YAOUNDÉ) text question (MISSION) text answer(MISSION)
send me the payment slip after you made the payment,

Yeah, that won't really be an option here:

Quote:

Who on earth is Okezie Clement Nwokoma? How can this be so hard for you? Especially since the Snorkys are out there, we need to be careful. Have you been told about Bingley yet? He is the crafty one. He specializes in hacking Western Union and Moneygram computers to take the money for the Snorkys. Do you want Bingley to steal your money? You do not. What do you want to do? Go to the bank like I've told you three or four times so you can get your money securely. This isn't hard. It really isn't. You just need to do it. I thought you understood operational security, but I guess not. You must be a Snorky sympathizer or something if you want them to take your money. Get back to me once you have gone to the bank like I told you.

I figure adding more Snorky boys into the mix will be fun. If he has ever had his payments chopped from Western Union, now he knows why. Sorry Mr. Humphere, but it's going to the bank or nothing.

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 3:43 pm

Lad Google Alert!!!

Quote:

Miss janne,you have seen my urgly pictures but I have not seen or have a clue of you,please send me any of your beautiful pictures ,then you will get all you you seek but I am not different from what you saw on your screen,also,the shipping company is not found on google can you get me there real name?

Whew, dodged one. I thought Little Humphere was going to be in my inbox.

Anyone chime in on the rules regarding sending him a photo. Can I just google "sexy reporter" and send that? Or is that considered an ITP? Otherwise I'll just send him a fake file.

Quote:

I'll find a real good picture for you sweetie. I can't send it from work though so I'll wait until I'm home tonight.

Your shipping company is GPSE*? Yeah, I've found it. Very popular and great service they say. It says they actually do have an office in Yaounde, Cameroon. It doesn't list an exact address but it says "Located just north of the Reunification Monument." Hope that helps you! I can't find a number for them at all.

I can't wait to meet you! I'll ask my boss this afternoon if there is anything going on in Africa that I can cover. Then maybe we can meet and have some fun. By any chance have you ever read Fifty Shades of Grey?

Kudos to my outstanding wife for suggesting the last line! Very Happy

(It's our anniversary today. And I'm having naughty conversations with a Nigerian man. I swear I was straight when this bait started.)

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 3:48 pm

I don't think sending him pictures of celebrities or anything violates the ITP rule, as long as you don't encourage him to contact said celebrities. Sending a fake file would be a good idea. Since he's on his phone, it would be kind of funny to send him an extremely large file, rename it sexyphoto.jpg, and annoy him. It doesn't ruin his phone at all so it doesn't violate any rules, but it will certainly take forever to download and keep him waiting. A while back I suggested Tunisia as a travel destination. After such a stressful trip to Cameroon, there's nothing he would love more than some sandy beaches and beautiful sights. Maybe even Chad would be fun. If Jenna is a member of TWAT, we could throw in another modality.

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:07 pm

In a way, we're all in competition with each other. Who can get him to go the way they want? Jayhawk is the goalie with his home covered and Feathers about to make him move. MrMystery has his spy network, Mr L has Moses pushing him another way and now Jenna can make him go another. We should each choose a goal.

A baiting competition. Who will come in first? Smile

Bow chicka bow...

Quote:

Miss jenna ,I know all about fifty shades of gray ,but I think I have a better idea than fifty shade ,I am very naught and am sure you like naught man,can't you take a vacation? Are you married? You've got me dying to see you,so do send me your beautiful picture when you get home.why working on Sunday? Please this GPS* company,can you get me the phone number in your country?

Quote:

Sweetie, Sunday mornings here are the busiest days with the Sunday papers and Sunday morning news shows. Fridays are quiet. Sundays suck.

Nope, not married, and I'm 29. The company phone number here in the US is [snip - one of those numbers that always rings busy].

I'll send you a message tonight sweetie!

Curious how many times he'll call that number in the next 48 hours.

Advantage: Lake.

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:14 pm

I wouldn't really think of this as a competition between us, since we all are tightening the web around him. Even though he still wants me to send a WU payment to him instead of anything else, I am encouraging him to meet my operative at the reunification monument. Even if this line of attack completely fails, he has one more piece of evidence which convinces him that all of this is real. Even the really minor characters like Mr. Wells still have served a purpose; he is convinced that the people he has met know more people, and thus they are real. No matter what he does, he's entangling himself even more in this web of deception. I still want to push him towards the CAR at some point. Bangui is really nice this time of year.

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:21 pm

To Jenna:

Quote:

Thank you so much,i dont know what i would have done with you,i hope you dont mind Me been a Blackman? Well i cant wait to see your picture maybe i could look at it everynight before i sleep.is there anyway you can get the phone number of that company here in cameroon?

Quote:

Well sweetie, I can't find a number for the place in Cameroon. I'm not sure why it's important but I'll do anything to please you so I'll keep looking. We have a meeting coming up soon though so I'll be away for a while! Sweet dreams!

Ick...

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