Archie Fails to Join the Church of the Old Gods

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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 8:24 am

Archie may be an idiot, but deep inside he is still a greedy slimeball

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 8:59 am

Archie is an idiot, that's very clear ... but it's just as clear that we're very comfortable with the situation! Laughing

Fantastic story, great work! clapping

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Just noticed that the first post in this thread is from 1 year ago today. I know Big X was with him long before that. Greedy little Archie is still around...

He gets back to Moses:

Quote:

Alright Pastor, I am sorry for my actions and I greatly regret the words that I used against the church and brother Roger.

Meanwhile, I am willing to complete my membership process if you will make it simple for me. Very Happy

I won't have to travel anywhere for any reason. Plus I want you to call me whenever I ask you to call me.

It is important that we talked on phone frequently, I makes our communication safer.

Also Pastor, may I plead that you or the church please send me some money for my treatment. I will need a sum $5000 from the church for my treatment and other community service.

Thank you.

Moses will be concerned about this "treatment" and need more information.

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 11:54 pm

Sorry Archie, but church rules state we only give financial assistance to members of our own parish, right Mr L?

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

I just noticed that he sent UZUMBO an email back on January 11th..

Quote:

You bastard, if you want us to work together you will have to send me $10,000 from the money that you claimed that you stole from me in Niger.

UZUMBO will continue ignoring him for now, but it might be possible to bring him back at some point... perhaps during the next payment stage. Very Happy

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Moses accepts his apology:

Quote:

Thank you for the apology my son, I can now see that you are regretful for all that has happened. The Elders will be most pleased to read your words when I show them that you are remorseful. We can move past this and I am grateful that soon you will be a full member with all of the benefits granted to you as a new member.

Yes the membership process is a ceremony, which of course will involve your Monument of Faith as well as the help of the local villagers. This will take place at the sacred monument site, so there will no need for travel.

My son, can you tell me more about your treatment? Are you sick? I had not heard that you were having ailments I do prey that you are alright?

Pastor Moses

Archie begs for cash:

Quote:

Good to hear from you again Pastor, I have been having a severe pain in my stomach for the past 6 months.

The doctor told me that it stomach ulcer and that I have to get treatment every week in other to get it treated.

But I have spent all that I have on the journey and buying medicine. But the pain is still there.

This is why I am pleading that the church come to my help.

I know that the elders my not like this idea but please you have to convince them.
I know that you really want to see me complete this membership process.

Also Pastor, I will also need the money in other to assemble my villagers to the monument. You know they have been angry with the church over what happened to the welcome package.

So I might find it difficult to easily convince them to assemble at the monument. But if you send money I think that I will use as a tool. I will simply tell them that the church has finally sent what they promise.

This people believe in what they see, so I think we just have to get to them in that way. Else it will be difficult to assemble them at the monument.

You can send the money through money gram or western union.

Thanks

Boy he's really getting desperate asking for a Westy like this.. does he really think we are going to wire him money at this point? Of course, Moses insists that the final ceremony will first need to be completed:

Quote:

That is very troublesome to hear my son. I too once had an ulcer once, it was a very painful experience that gave me great discomforts.

I am confident that the Elders will first expect you to finish your final stage of membership. To become a complete and full member. Fortunately the final stage should be very simple for you to complete, and once you have done the ceremony you will have completed your full membership and the Elders will most certainly approve any funds that you need for medical needs.

You must also convince the villagers not to be upset. Explain to them that you had difficult times when you were in Nigeria on your journey and were unable to find the shipping office. I am sure they will understand. Take them to the Monument. Have them sit on the Bench. They will see the power of the Old Gods and it will guide them. Then when you perform your ceremony they will see the true power of the one true faith.

Has Brother Eric or Brother Roger sent you details of completing the Ceremony yet? You will need to prepare for it so that it can be competed accurately.

Pastor Moses

Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:37 pm

Quote:

This people believe in what they see, so I think we just have to get to them in that way

Perhaps Archie and his villagers need some Biblical reminders

Hebrews 11:1

Quote:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Quote:

We live by what we believe, not by what we can see

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

^^Thanks for that! I will use those when I reply to him.. in the meantime, he is growing more fraudstrated that we aren't sending him anything.

Quote:

Pastor, I insist that you send me little money before I complete the ceremony.

I need treat myself, how do you expect a sick person be assembly and performing ceremony with angry villagers. I know this people and I know to handle them.

You promise that we should put this uneccessry argument behind us.

I am trying to make this easy for us all but you want to complicate it.

Please Pastor Moses, tell the elders that I am in need of urgent medical attention and that they should send money for my treatment. It's a simple demand.

Can't you send me the money from your personal account without telling the elders? Shocked

Why do you always disagree with me whenever I talk about money? Very Happy

This is not fair, I demand that you send me $5000 by Monday, then I can conveniently assemble the villagers at the monument.

May the old Gods grant you wisdom.

He's such a pathetic scammer. After all this, he thinks Moses would go behind the backs of the Elders? This clearly isn't going to work out for him...

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 7:17 am

He DEMANDS $5000?

This is unacceptable! He needs to be slapped immedietely and Pastor Moses should lecture him on the vices of greed and pursuit of material possessions!

Doesn't he know Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God?

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

I love the bit about asking his pastor to engage in nefarious activity by slipping him money behind the scenes. (without telling the elders!). Is he laying a temptation before Pastor Moses as a test of his faith?

Perhaps this sickness is God's way of testing his faith after his outburst to destroy the monument? If he could purify his heart his stomach ailment would no doubt disappear.

Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:07 pm

I was out of town for a few days, but Roger was still in touch with Archie.

Roger got confused about what Archie wants, and is still uncomfortable with sneaking around behind Hilts's back:

Quote:

Now your changing your mind again! Why can't you just tell me exactly what you want me to do and stick on it? This is three deferent things you told me in three days! Do you want me to send the money threw Mr Hilts or not?

I can send you the $20,000.00 dollars your asking for, but honestly, I still don't feel comfortable with this. It is making me very confused why your asking me to send the money without telling Mr Hilts. Why would I do that? He handles all of my financial dealings and it would be very strange if I didn't told him about this, specially if I am sending the money from my account at his bank.

I think may be I should talk to Mr Hilts and ask him what I should do. I don't want to keep him out of the dark on this.

Archie tries to convince Roger to just trust him:

Quote:

Dear Roger, I have my reasons why I don't want you to tell Mr Hilts that you want to send me money. He will tell you not to send it.

I know that he has been your Banker for years but Please do not ask for his opinion on this. Just go to him and tell him to send money to the account number that I will provide. If he asked who you sending money to, tell him your cousin or relation.

I know that you may not like this idea but trust me let do it my way for once.

If we both to let this be done my way, there will not be problem.

All that I want you to send is $20,000 to the account information that I will provide.

Tell Mr Hilts to wire the money into the account. Even if he tries to convince you against sending the money. Ignore him please. Just let him know that you are sure of what you are doing.

We have to move on this process, we have taken too long on page. Don't allow anyone come between us and what we need to do.

So please let me know when you are ready to send the money.

May the old Gods grant you wisdom.

Roger doesn't understand why Archie thinks Hilts would block him:

Quote:

I don’t understand, why don’t you trust Mr Hilts? Why do you think he wouldn’t let me send the money to you? He always does what I ask him to do, and I’m sure he would send the money to you with no problem.

Honestly, I’m very confused why you want me to lie to him about sending you money. Did something bad happened between you that I don’t know about? Or is their some problem your having? Your acting very strange lately.

Anyways, what is the account number for me to send the money? I will go to the bank as soon as you give me that and I will ask Mr Hilts to send it. Don’t worry Archie, you will soon get everything you deserve!

Archie sends a piggy:

Quote:

Dear Roger, I have my reasons why I don't want you to tell Mr Hilts that you want to send money to me.

We don't have any problem between us, we are cool.
Just for the sake of the success and progress of the completion my membership, don't tell that you are sending money to me...

Here is the account number that I want you to send the money into....

Bank name: JP Morgan Chase Bank
Account Name: K W
Account number: 3628XXXXXXX
Bank address: Las Vegas NV

Once you send the money, write me as soon as possible so I can contact the Banker.

Remember, don't tell Mr Hilts that you are sending me money. Don't mention whatever concerns me when discussing with him.

If he ask who you are sending money to, tell him that you are sending the money to your cousin.

Please be wise about this.

Roger will be very wary about all this lying to Mr Hilts, and he will hear about the stomach ulcer story at Services today. Hilts will find out about Archie's betrayal tomorrow, and respond appropriately.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Quote:

Bank address: Las Vegas NV

This is also very concerning! Who is this person from Las Vegas? Such a sinful city, I hope they are not a heathen devil whoreshipper? Or perhaps this person is also interested in joining the COTOG? I'm sure Archie would love to discuss it further...

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Quote:

My son, must I remind you of the scriptures?

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see

2 Corinthians 5:17

We live by what we believe, not by what we can see

You must trust that the church always has your best interests in mind. Please do not make demands of me that I cannot fulfill. And never again should you request that I go against the wise Elders. Perhaps that was your ulcers that made you speak such blasphemous things, so I will overlook it, this one time.

Pastor Moses

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 11:20 pm

Roger doesn't like all this lying:

Quote:

But that is a lie! Why are you asking me to lie to Mr Hilts? Lying is a Sin against the Old Gods, you know! I am very uncomfortable with what your asking me to do!

And who is this K person anyways? Why do you want me to say she is my cousin? She is not my cousin and I don’t know her. And Mr Hilts knows my family so he knows I don’t have a cousin with that name!

Also, don’t you know where she lives? She is in Las Vegas and everybody knows that is the biggest hive of Sin and Filth and Corruption in the United State! Why are you making me get involved with that? And why are you involved with people like that?!

Archie tries to bully Roger into sending the money:

Quote:

With due respect Mr Roger, do you have to tell Mr Hilts what you are doing or who you send your money to. He doesn't have any business with what you do with your money.

I have provided you with an account in which I want you to send the money to. Now you are bringing up excuses again. That Las Vegas is the heart of sin in the United States. That sin is happening there doesn't mean everyone there is a sinner.

That is the account number, send the money into the account. I know the account owner. She works with our government. The money will be safe.

I still stand on my word, don't tell Mr Hilts.
I am not telling you to lie, it's called wisdom. (That's quite the euphemism)

Roger still doesn't like it, and he hears about Archie's stomach ulcers:

Quote:

No, I don’t have to tell Mr Hilts everything, but when your being this specious and telling me not to tell him something, it makes me worried. Your still not explicating why you don’t want me to tell Mr Hilts the truth about this money, even though I will be sending the money threw him.

And what do you mean this K person works for the government? You mean the United State government, or your government their? Why is she base in that den of scum and villainy in Las Vegas? Your still not explicating properly!

Also, what is going on with your health? Brother Eric told me today that Pastor Moses told him at Services that your sick with some stomach ulcers, and your asking him for money for treatment. Why didn’t you told me about that? I would of sent you the money for that if you needed it. I am a little hurt that you didn’t wanted to tell me, your closet friend and sponsor about what is going on with your health. How much did Pastor Moses agreed to sent you, anyways?

I changed my mind about Roger telling Hilts right away, because I can drag it out longer and waste more time with Roger's stupid questions before doing that.

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 4:57 pm

Archie complains that Roger hasn't sent him any money:

Quote:

Mr Roger, the reason why I told you not to tell Mr Hilts that you want to send money to me cos he will tell you not to send. I don't know why. Like I said there nothing besides that. So if you really want to send the money to me genuinely from your heart. Please do not tell him.

As for the lady in Las Vegas, she is a foreign diplomat over here. She has been helping other communities to receive foreign donations. (Sounds like a mule)

I discovered that I have ulcer after I came back from the journey from Niamey Niger Republic.

Please Mr Roger, just send this money that I ask you to send if truly that you care about me and proud to have as a friend.

I really don't appreciate the way you are going about asking me too many questions.

I have come along way in this journey, I have no where or who to run to when I have problem but you.

Honestly, you haven't send me a dime since I have known you four years ago. What kind of relationship is this?

He's going heavy on the guilt trip here. Roger doesn't like it, but he agrees to send the money anyway:

Quote:

I don't know why your saying such rude things. You know I have been trying to complete this business with you for so long, but the problem is that you refuse to complete your Church membership! The Elders said I am not suppose to send any money to a heathen unbeliever like you, remember? But cause I like you, I decided to brake the rules this one time and send you a little money to help you get off until you finish your membership and we can send the rest.

So don't tell me I am not doing anything for you, cause I have done so much for you already! Didn't I raised so much money for you with the bake sale? Didn't I sponsored your Church membership and gave you advise on the precess? Didn't I introduced you to the Church in the first space to Save your immoral soul threw the Glory of the Old Gods? Doesn't all of that mean anything to you? (Roger can guilt trip him back)

Now your acting very specious, trying to get me to send you money without telling my very close friend Mr Hilts, who handles all of my financial affairs. Not only that, your telling me to send the money to some heathen unbeliever in Sinful Las Vegas without explicating properly who she is and what she is doing their. And when I ask you questions, you tell me not to worry about it and act even more specious. What am I suppose to think?

I'm sure you have your reasons, so I will send you the money, but I don't like what your doing to me here, Archie. I feel used, and I really don't like that.

We'll see what he says.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

More whining from our moron.

Quote:

Pastor Moses, why are you so hard on me? What did do wrong? Haven't I done enough for the church to deserve some dividend?

If the Elders say no, then that means no dammit!

Quote:

Yes of course my son! You have done so much, and you are so close to getting everything that you deserve! However, as members of the Church of the Old Gods, we NEVER question the wisdom of the Elders. If the Elders require that you complete your ceremony then that is what needs to be done. Remember, the ceremony is your final stage toward becoming a full and complete member of the Church. At this point there will be no limitations set by the Elders and we will easily be able to send you the funds needed for your village as well as to help you with your health.

I do hope you will see fit to move forward and complete this final stage. Honestly my son, the final ceremony only takes a matter of moments to complete, I am a bit confuse why you don't just do it already? You would have been a complete member weeks ago if you had just agreed to move forward. Has Brother Roger sent you the requirements for the ceremony yet?

Pastor Moses

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Archie makes some noises like he might actually do the ceremony...

Quote:

Good day Pastor, brother Roger hasn't send the necessary things that I need to complete the ceremony.

Meanwhile, is there any other thing that I will be ask to do after the ceremony?

Moses tells him that it will be Brother Roger that will give him the final details of the ceremony, and also insist that once he's finished he will be a full member and receive his funds immediately.

Quote:

Good day my son, I will speak with young Susan to provide Brother Roger with the information about the proper requirements for the ceremony. I want Brother Roger to be involved with this because he is your mentor and is the one who has guided you through this holy process. It will be a very big day for him as well as for you and I know he will feel honored when he sees the video of your ceremony as the villagers look upon you from the Bench of Admiration in the Glory of the Sacred Monument of Faith. It will be most powerful and enlightening my son!

The ceremony is the final stage, and once you have completed in the Elders will approve you and you will be welcomed into the Glorious hands of the Old Gods! After that you will be a full and complete member, and we will be able to move forward with the funding of a new church parish in your village and of course the funds needed to help the villagers and your medical costs. Once the Elders approve your final ceremony there will be no delays. However, to prevent the difficulties of sending money in a package like last time, I would insist that we send the money electronically through a bank so there will be no problems.

I am excited to speak to Brother Roger, he will be most excited to hear that you are ready to complete your final stage.

Pastor Moses

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:14 pm

Roger tells Archie he will send the money and work with Susan on his initiation ceremony:

Quote:

Even if this K woman is a Catholic, she is still a heathen unbeliever cause she is not a member of the One True Church of the Old Gods. I don't know why you don't understand that, cause I thought I explicated it for you. Didn't you learned anything from your membership precess so far? (If nothing else, he learned how much it sucks to copy out an entire book of the Bible)

Anyways, I will go ahead and send the money to that account cause I know you need the money, but I am not going to lie to Mr Hilts and become a Sinner. If he asks me what the money is for, I will tell him the Old God’s own truth. I hope you understand.

And yes, Pastor Moses made a mansion at Services yesterday that I should work with you on the details of the final ceremony for your Church membership. I am really glad you reconstructed your decision and your not refusing to do it any more. It would of been a huge waist of everybody's time if you completed all those Stages and than didn't finished the last step of the Holy Precess you started, rite? (It will be a huge waste of his time regardless) I will speak with Young Susan about the ceremony and make sure the forms are obeyed properly. I will get back at you as soon as I have all the proper instructive for you. We need to make sure we don't do the ceremony wrong, cause that would be very blasphemous against the Old Gods!

Oh, I am so exited that your soon going to become a member of the Church! I am so proud to be your Sponsor! You don't know how long I have been waiting for this! (About 18 months)

Archie tells Roger to make sure Hilts sends the money:

Quote:

Dear Roger, thanks for agreeing to send the money. But like I told you there is different between lie and applying wisdom. I didn't ask you to lie, all I told you to do is to apply wisdom so that what he won't give you the reason why he will stop you from sending the money to me.

I will appreciate if you can do that, it's your money not his. And you how important I need it..

Also let, I will be waiting for complete the ceremony.

Let me know when you have sent the money. Please I need evidence of payment in form of transfer receipt.

Do not leave the bank until he have confirmed that he has sent the money.

Please Please please, I beg you.

"Applying wisdom" is a hell of a euphemism for lying.

And now I need to think up a suitably ridiculous initiation ceremony for Archie. I'm happy to take suggestions if you folks have some ideas.

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:16 pm

When I come back from school, I will have something ready. How ridiculous are we talking here?

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:20 pm

^ As ridiculous as we can get him to do without him deciding he doesn't want to because it's too embarrassing.

As a starting point, here is what Mr L suggested in our last planning session:

Quote:

I'm thinking lots of torches, milk baptism, and most importantly I want him to gather the villagers to watch the whole thing from the Holy Bench!

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 9:29 pm

The milk baptism sounds good, but don't forget the honey. Joining the Church of the Old Gods is like going to a land flowing with milk and honey, after all. Very Happy

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

Perhaps he should deliver a sermon to the villagers who are seated on the bench based on one of the Commandments.....such as "Thou shalt not steal" Let's see him use his "applied wisdom" on that theme!

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 10:58 pm

First, the ritual must be conducted at midnight to herald the new day of religious salvation. There must be torches, and lots of chanting and songs of faith. One by one, each member will climb to the top of the pyramid, recite a Paternoster, and offer some prayers. Then, torch in hand, they will jump down into the arms of their loving brothers in faith. If it is only Archie, he will be the only person to jump down, and also, he must read all of the book of Genesis while standing on the top of the pyramid. After he jumps off the pyramid with torch in hand, he can then be baptized in whatever fluid you wish. It is very important that the ceremony is conducted in the middle of the night so he will be sleep deprived. Also, this is my 666th post, so it is fitting that I am plotting evil things for Archie to do.

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

All of this would be recorded too so that the elders can view it over and over again.

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:19 am

That's a bit too OTT - how about the old bog standard holding a loaf in one hand and a fish in the other and naked at the base of the pyramid whilst the village elders and others look on from the Bench of Admiration Wink

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