Marriage counselling from a lad...

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Posted: Sat May 07, 2016 2:37 am

I'm baiting as a character from 'a certain supernatural 1960s soap opera'. My character, Röger Cöllins, has an estranged wife, Läura. In the original soapie, Läura turns out to be a supernatural being called a 'Phoenix', who exists in cycles where she lives for seventy years and then dies in a fire, usually with her children. She is then reincarnated and it goes on again. As you can imagine, this causes relationship problems, even with people who are easier to get on with than Röger.

So one day Röger gets a standard opener from one 'Mr Gödwin Ellïpsis' - surely a name to conjure with. Things go to script until Mr Ellïpsis tries to hurry up the WU/MG:

Quote:

I just received a call from a lady yesterday and she was telling me that she is your next of kin that you just died in car accident.

I was so surprised so shocked and so confused i told her that i can't believe it that it is not truth. She is also forward me her full information where to deliver the ATM VISA CARD and also she told me that she is ready to send the UPS delivering charge of $250. My dear i will advice you to be very careful about the people you are contacting on internet you know that they are so many people who are trying to divert your fund into they private account.

Naturally Röger jumps to conclusions:

Quote:

This strange lady who called you and said she was my next of kin - I suspect it may have been my estranged wife, Läura Cöllins. She is a vicious and embittered woman who is not authorized to act for me in any matter, and most particularly not to receive any monies which belong to me. The Gods know she has had enough of my money already!

It is very important that you pay no attention whatsoever to anything which Läura may tell you, if indeed it is her. She is not merely vicious, she is positively deranged and in my opinion she is downright dangerous. How she has managed to avoid incarceration in a mental institution is a mystery to me, however she has thankfully been living away from me for years now. Perhaps the people in Arizona are more tolerant than we are here in Maine.

Gödwin doesn't want to discuss Läura Cöllins...

Quote:

First i apologize for the late responding but is because i was running up and down to make you happy. Regarding the woman we are taking about, I want you to stop thinking about it because i have already reported her to the federal government of Benin i summit all our conversation to them because she wanted to put me into trouble and God knows that am innocent.

(...this, of course, followed by the same WU/MG.)

Gödwin doesn't want to discuss Läura Cöllins? Röger doesn't want to discuss anything else...

Quote:

You tell me not to worry about the woman who contacted you, but I can hardly do that. sir! If Läura is running about loose and causing all sorts of trouble then I need to know exactly what it is that she's up to! I would also rather like for my agents to be able to find her, especially if she is in Africa trying to take money which is mine!

If you can give the details of any contact with her to the police then surely you can share them with me as well, Mr Ellïpsis! I am still her husband, after all - and, as you know, JHVH-1 gives husbands authority in these matters, as Ephisians 5 tells us, amongst other sources.

Gödwin dispenses some 'life advice' free of charge:

Quote:

The federal ministry of finance told me to informed you not to be afraid about any fake company or any wrong person that is trying to clem your fund. They have already submit your full information to the (IMF) International Monetary Fund Benin Republic and if any one try to tamper with your fund again the person must be arrested. Just stop thinking about the woman because your fund is into IMF policy now and no one has the right to tamper with it.

...with, of course, a WU/MG at the end.

Röger's stopped even noticing the WU/MG:

Quote:

You tell me not to worry about this woman who attempted to claim my funds. Those people who have endured dealing with Läura generally tell another story - one of devastation and woe. It is all very well for you to blithely disregard the danger she presents, but I am not as fortunate as you; like it or not I have to deal with her occasionally. Usually that amounts to picking up the pieces after she has moved on.

You said that you have "have already reported her to the federal government of Benin i summit all our conversation to them". Well, for R'lyeh's sake, man! If you can give them all these details, then why can't you give them to me? I am still her husband, after all, at least in a legal sense. Great Cthulhu knows that I wish it were otherwise!

If Läura has now turned up in Benin then I want to know all about it. According to my informants, she was last seen in Cairo a few months ago, in the company of an allegedly Russian adventurer who calls himself 'Vladimir Sväreff' and claims to be a 'Count'! They seem to have a morbid fascination with a painted wooden stele in the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities, and I suspect that Läura may have heard about these funds and attempted to obtain them for herself in order to finance an attempt to steal this priceless object. You can see why I am concerned and wish to know everything, particularly the name she is travelling under at present. She is known to use the names Läura Murdoch Stockbridge, Läura Stockbridge Cöllins, :Läura Murdoch Ratcliffe and Läura Murdoch Cöllins.

Cthulhu fhtagn,

Roger Cöllins

Gödwin doesn't want to know:

Quote:

You are still talking about the woman while i already make it very clear to you that no one has the right to tamper with your fund again i also told you before that your fund is now under IMF policy and no body can never temper with it any more. [...] Mr.Collins am sorry but i can not continue to be discussing about the woman or all those fake peoples as they are all criminal and i was warn to stop having conversation with them or discussing anything about them so that i can not have problem with Central Bank.

...hope springs eternal and he includes the obligatory WU/MG. Of course this approach only exasperates Röger:

Quote:

How dare you speak to me this way, sir?

The doings of my soon-to-be-ex-wife may be of no significance to you, Mr Ellïpsis, but I can assure you that they are of the utmost consequence to me, I am very deeply offended by your contemptuous and altogether contumacious attitude in this matter!

If you have ever suffered through the pains of a divorce and a custody battle then you would hardly have the gall to take such a flippant attitude towards my situation. I am outraged and I demand an apology before we proceed further.

...and back comes:

Quote:

I understand how you feel and am so sorry fore everything that she have done to you OK. But we can't continue investigating her we need to move forward, You told me before that you have spend so much money on her and i really understand how you feel, i will advice you to stop thinking of her because down fall of a man is not the end of his life, just be a man you are already a rich you know how much you are going to receive.

I will tell you this Mr. Cöllins the woman must apology you to come back by the time she heard that you have received your fund just bear it in mind. I really understand how you feel but i will advice you to be a man.

So, there you have it, folks! Marriage counselling from a lad! Man up and take it on the chin...that's his view of life...and he includes a WU/MG at the end, of course...

Posted: Sat May 07, 2016 7:45 am

Must be the same lad who told me how to deal with my character's alcoholic cousin: be a man and pray hard so that the spirits of alcohol will leave him.

I tried chanting Ave Maria backwards, but the damn fool kept drinking the spirits faster than I could exorcise them. Confused

Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 1:04 am

What I don't get is that the lad could fix this at any time if he wanted to. He was the one pushing the hurry-up line of 'this woman tried to get your money'. All he has to do is say 'no, it wasn't your ex-wife' and Röger will let go of it. Maybe.

Unfortunately the lad's latest message arrived while Röger was on his sixth martini of the evening...

Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 1:27 am

Röger, deep in Martiniland, reads Mr Ellïpsis's latest and goes over the edge into instant homophobia:

Quote:

How dare you, sir?

What do you mean by writing "i will advice you to be a man"? I AM A MAN, SIR!

Are you attempting to imply that I am some sort of homosexualist, Mr Ellipsis? In the old days this would be a matter for a duel to the death! As it is if you do not apologise forthwith and very humbly I will place this matter in the hands of the family lawyers, Garner, Hanley and Peterson of Bangor, Maine, the first thing on Monday morning!

I will not be written to in this absurd and altogether insulting manner. I thought that homosexualists were all locked up in Africa. As my good friend in the wet fish business in England, the late Mr Henry Root once wrote: "I don't care if they're not hurting anybody! It frightens the fishes!"

You will regret this accusation, sir!

Röger Cöllins

The lad seems to think that Röger was talking about him:

Quote:

Mr.Cöllins,
You get me wrong why are you talking to me this way? i am not homosexual I have a wife with four children two boys two girls.

Listing to me very well Mr. Cöllins, I advice you to be a man did not mean that you are not a man I know you are a man but am giving you an advice to forget and forgive what happen in the past as a man you are.

Anyway i apologize for that but am not trying to tell you that you are not a man am giving you an advice and to make you happy as my friend.

Once again am not homosexual and i hate it, all i need now is to forget all this what we are talking about and move forward on how you will receive your ATM VISA CARD.

I look forward to hear from you urgent OK.
Remain blessed
Mr. Ellïpsis.

If there's one thing worse than Röger with a few martinis in him, it's Röger the morning after. He's clearly in a surly mood...

Quote:

Mr Ellipsis;

It's all very well for you to talk this way now, but I wasn't born yesterday, you know! I haven't failed to notice that you have not yet produced your ID as I requested. You're not trying to hide something, are you? Anyone can say that they're married and have two boys and two girls, but how do I know that you're not a secret homosexualist who's just pretending to be something else for some strange homosexualist reason?

Send me a photograph of you and your family together with a handwritten apology from you, saying how sorry you are that you falsely accused me of homosexualism, and then perhaps we may continue to do business together. I certainly don't intend to give any of my hard-earned money to a homosexualist, sir!

Is Röger protesting too much?

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 18 Oct 2012 Posts: 611

My personal advice, whatever it may be worth, is if he doesn't respond, or if he insists on the WU stuff, then throw him a tiny bone. Try to get the bacon of course, but go along. He hasn't gotten far with you, and at this stage in the game, he might just decide you're too much of a pain to deal with. But that's just me. Either way...you seemed to hit the mark with the homosexualist comments. Smile

Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 5:07 am

...I'm thinking that if he comes through with a decent sort of apology, perhaps Röger will offer him a 'highly-paid sinecure' as the African representative of the Multinational Union for the Suppression of Homosexualism. Plenty of paperwork there...

...or maybe Röger will work his way up to hitting on him. Or maybe even both...

Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 8:09 am

I think Cousin Barnabas should pay a call.

Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 12:11 pm

...if Röger doesn't get his apology, Barnabas gets the lad's address...

Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 1:52 pm

Duh Duh duh.

Posted: Mon May 09, 2016 2:30 am

...if only we could...just plain karma for these leeches...

Posted: Fri May 13, 2016 8:25 am

...for anyone who's interested, Mr. Ellïpsis continues to obstruct Röger's perfectly reasonable efforts to conduct an inquisition into his sexual preferences. Röger writes:

Quote:

Sir,

I am greatly displeased that I have not yet received your handwritten apology and the photograph of you and your family. The only reason I can imagine for this latest obfuscation of yours is that you really are a homosexualist of some description. You disappoint me greatly.

Godwin Ellïpsis is annoyed:

Quote:

Mind the way you talk to me i am not a child why must you keep on telling me to apologize you since. Apologize fore what if i may ask? Anyway i can't continue to be begging you to send the ups delivering charge in other to receive your ATM VISA CARD. I will also like to informed you that i have already register your ATM VISA CARD to the DHL courier company.

He includes the 'ID' card of the 'diplomatic agent' who is supposedly on Röger's doorstep. This doesn't impress Röger much - he has other things on his mind now:

Quote:

I don't care whether your diplomatic agent is on his way to my home address or on his way to the North Pole. No apology, no money for you. It's that simple. I will not be bullied or browbeaten in this disgraceful manner, sir!

Röger Collins

Back comes:

Quote:

Am sorry OK. Just forgive and forget.

But it's too late for that now:

Quote:

Mr Ellïpsis;

Thank you for your apology. Better given belatedly and very grudgingly than not at all, I suppose. I will pass over the fact that I actually asked for it to be handwritten. As to the rest of your letter, you say "Just forgive and forget." If only it was that simple. Unfortunately, after the early Sunday service I brought the matter up with my spiritual adviser, the Right Reverend Gregory Trask. Wonderful man - I expect I already mentioned him to you.

Well, I brought this whole business up with Rev. Trask and frankly he was aghast. He's very firmly opposed to homosexualism in all its forms, so much so that he constantly exhorts the anti-homosexualist organisation of the Dagön Society, the Multinational Organization for the Suppression of Homosexualism, to greater and greater efforts. The Rev. Trask is so energetic in his efforts in this direction that I quite fear he will wear himself out prematurely!

Rev. Trask was, as I said, appalled to learn that I might have been on the threshold of giving some money to an actual homosexualist, however inadvertently. As Rev. Trask put it, with his usual vigor, "If you start giving these people money, the next thing you know they'll be demanding rights!" And I'm sure you'll agree that we could never tolerate a state of affairs like that, Mr Ellïpsis!

Rev. Trask feels that, despite all your protestations, this matter is not entirely cleared up to his satisfaction. He did check with the African Division of the Multinational Organization for the Suppression of Homosexualism and found that your name was not presently on their list of suspects, but nevertheless Rev. Trask feels that it would be better for you to complete the standard Sexual Orientation Questionnaire before we proceed any further with this transaction. After all, Trask quotes St. Peter's words: "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour". Alas, how true!

I will attach a copy of the questionnaire to this email. The local questions were created under the supervision of Pastor David Kato, Chief Examiner of the African Division. An absolutely charming man whom I was fortunate enough to meet when he visited Head Office last year. It should only take a few minutes to fill in. Once you have returned the form, I will forward it to Pastor Kato in order to have it processed. Once this is done - and I'm sure it's a mere formality! - we can continue to discuss the ATM card. I certainly look forward to rapidly overcoming all these unfortunate misunderstandings and finally getting all that money!

Cthulhu fhtagn,

Röger

Attached to this is an extremely impertinent three-page 'Homosexualist Orientation Questionnaire' form.

Godwin goes silent and gets poked:

Quote:

Mr Ellïpsis;

On the instructions of Rev. Trask this transaction cannot proceed until you have returned the questionnaire to me, properly completed, for processing. I must tell you that Rev. Trask ordered me to keep him informed in detail of the ramifications of this matter. I have had to tell him via email that you have not yet filled out our very simple form. His response was: "And why not? What does this Mr Ellïpsis have to hide, I wonder?"

I must say that quite apart from our spiritual relationship I have to concede that Rev. Trask has a point. Once again, you disappoint me and raise a cloud of suspicion about your intentions. This is no way to do business, sir! I want that money!

Röger Collins

Back:

Quote:

Are you going to send the $250 today or tomorrow?

Mr. Ellïpsis.

This only annoys Röger:

Quote:

Fill in and return the questionnaire. No questionnaire, no money for you. I mean it. I do not do business with homosexualists. Even if they are offering me the British Crown Jewels for that sum. Mark 8:36. Have a care, sir!

Godwin tries to steer the discussion back on-topic:

Quote:

How many times do i have to tell you that i am not homosexual, I am not homosexual and i can never be because i hate it. So let us move
forward on how you will receive your ATM.

...unsuccessfully...

Quote:

If, as you say, "i am not homosexual, I am not homosexual and i can never be because i hate it", then what do you have to fear by filling out our questionnaire, sir?

More and more, your evasive and uncooperative behavior is convincing me that you have something to hide. It only takes a few minutes to fill the form out. Why are you so afraid of doing so?

And with that, Röger consults his spiritual adviser again. The news is not good for Mr Ellïpsis:

Quote:

I should let you know that, despite the lateness of the hour, I have just been in contact with Rev. Trask again in regard to this matter. He regards your continued obfuscations and delays as suggestive in the extreme. According to Rev. Trask, this is the classic panicky reaction of the homosexualist finally faced with the threat of exposure.

I have intervened in your favor, however. I have personally stood guarantor for your completion of the questionnaire. I have even gone as far as to give my sworn word to Rev. Trask that in my opinion you are more probably not a homosexualist than you are, and that the decent thing would be to give you the benefit of the doubt. Rev. Trask eventually agreed, but he instructs me to point out to you that the amount of time taken in resisting the questionnaire is a factor in its assessment, and one which at the present will sadly count very strongly against you.

You do not need to thank me for my efforts on your behalf, but a polite expression of gratitude will certainly be appreciated.

Röger Collins

Will greed triumph over this lad's laziness at last?

Posted: Fri May 13, 2016 2:52 pm

Let's hope greed wins out. These lads can be very prideful, though. You just never know what is going to set them off.

Posted: Sat May 14, 2016 12:52 am

...perhaps it was something about the questionnaire itself which vexed our lad...although I can't imagine what it could possibly have been...

http://imgur.com/a/qTrdM

Posted: Sat May 14, 2016 1:20 am

Any email... to 'Mr Gödwin Ellïpsis'... should have lots of them...

Posted: Sat May 14, 2016 3:51 am

^ heh. I did tweak him about how 'elliptically' he was proceeding...but it just bounced off...

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