Mr Smith not so Lucky

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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:19 pm

So it was a standard advance fee scam but I thought what the hell, haven't done one of those for a while. And the Church of Christian Kindness certainly needed $500,000 to help feed orphans. Mr Smith from F reddy Finance was happy to oblige and sent me the official form. However, it didn't look right, because he neglected to include a new phrase that is required for all such financial transactions these days, namely that:

"Neurofiscal parameters can be alleviated in the case of superfluity, and replaced by thematic considerations within legal limits."

He seemed to not understand the phrase, twice asking what it meant, despite being a financial advisor. I told him he had to add it to the form for it to be legal, but instead, the form was never mentioned again and he went straight to asking for his $965 fee. Fair enough. Trust is a rare commodity in business these days so I was happy for him to trust me without filling in a silly form.

He said he would ask my own financial advisor, a separate character, about it but never did.

All that remained was for Mr Smith to fill in the Moral Worth form to prove he was an appropriate candidate to join our church, as protocol dictates he must be a member before we do business. It's a simple enough form but he only filled in 3 of the 5 pages, and gave one word answers when they should have been 2 sentences and so on. Clearly not good enough.

And so our recent conversation began, between Mr Smith and the Reverend UB:

Rev:

Quote:

Dear Mr Smith,
I'm sorry, but was this attempt at filling in the church membership form some kind of joke on your part?

Various parts were not filled in. eg the question that asks why you are filling in the form. And your gender. You do not know your own gender?

Then there are the various sections that clearly ask for answers of two or three sentences. You could only bother with one word for most of those.
The COCK church expects a higher degree of professionalism than that, and we also expect those involved with us to be able to understand very simple questions.

We can only send you the fee when you have completed the membership form properly. In the meantime, we have orphans to feed that requires the $500,000 you will be supplying, so please make it a priority to fill in this form properly, rather than insult the Church and God himself by this sad effort.

Your urgent response please.

Mr Smith:

Quote:

Do you know what? go to hell, this is business loan this is not school okay, if you can accept what i fill for you is not ok bye you don't email me again. than good bye.

Rev:

Quote:

I see you are a crybaby as well? All we ask is that you fill in a simple form and you cannot do that properly, in a mature fashion. It is precisely because this is serious business that we need you to do it correctly, rather than complain like a small child because we ask you to behave professionally.

So here is a test for you. The church is willing to increase the amount of our fee to $1500, just to see if that is inspiration enough for you to behave like an adult. If it is possible for you to understand the questions this time, we will immediately send the money. We want this to work, and we want you to receive what is owing to you, but you need to control yourself and stop throwing tantrums.

It is up to you now, Mr Smith. Please fill in the form and receive your money.

Mr Smith

Quote:

I do not need the money any more go for another lender, Why are you asking me i should list five animals in the bible, and say why they are significant are you OK, this is not School this is business i have answer some then if you are not ready to pay the fee forget it ok .

Rev

Quote:

I will explain this yet again, in terms that even a simpleton should understand.

You say "if you are not ready to pay the fee" - I have already said we will pay an INCREASED fee to get this done. Do you understand this simple concept? INCREASED means EXTRA. So it is the opposite of "not being ready".

Why do we ask Bible questions? BECAUSE WE ARE A CHURCH! Do you understand this? A CHURCH RELIES ON THE BIBLE, and WE ASK THAT THOSE WE DO BUSINESS WITH ARE CHURCH MEMBERS. That requires one simple form, the same one thousands have filled in before you, that you are presently crying about.

Let me repeat: WE ARE A CHURCH, so we ask questions about the Bible. This is perfectly simple, much like yourself.

We have increased the amount we are willing to pay as a fee already, so please try to understand this. WE NOW OFFER YOU $2000 TO FILL IN OUR FORM CORRECTLY. So please stop pretending we are not ready to pay the money. And please dry your childish tears so you may read the questions correctly.

Are you adult enough to do this and receive the money?

Mr Smith

Quote:

Why are you asking me i should list five animals in the bible, and say why they are significant , answer this for me

Rev

Quote:

Obviously, it is to show you have some understanding of Biblical concepts. We chose animals, but it could have been any other aspect of the Bible. It shows that you already have enough Christian understanding to join our Church, so we can then do business.

I can explain it another ten times if necessary.

Mr Smith's farewell:

Quote:

good bye

So the Rev, remembering that the Western Union was to be paid to a certain M omodu L ucky, sent this final email that will hopefully create some paranoia for this Indian-based lad.

Quote:

I understand now why I have very recently received a message from Interpol, warning me of dealing with M omodu L ucky, AKA Daniel Smith and various other aliases they mentioned.

I suggest you constantly look over your shoulder. They already know all your dealings, I assume they must have access to your computer somehow.

I'm sorry we weren't able to do business, but it seems your childish simple mindedness would have prevented it anyway.

I look forward to hearing of your imminent arrest.

Fun while it lsasted. Smile

Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 2:23 pm

All right, I finally got a real insult from Mr Smith!

He said, "thunder fire your mama"

To which the Reverend replied

"Yes, my mama's name is Thunder Fire. How did you know?

Say hi to Interpol, they're intercepting everything you type now anyway."