The Polish Pig Farmer, Oxy &the Loan Lads:The Bitter End

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Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:16 am

This is where things get confusing, what with the bifurcation (isn’t that a great word?) of the scammers. To keep things simple, I will start by publishing my correspondence with the scammers from the *original* email address.

So, we left off where I had to pay the original group of lads 6000 zlotys due to the “Unit Money Laundering IMF”, which I'm going to assume stands for Impossible Mission Force.

June 11, 2014
Mister Piere,

6.000 zlotys is way way way more than harry can aford. harry is not rich intner natonal banker like you.

We need to negotate down amout or harry cannot aford loan.

Your frend,
Harry

I think I jumped the gun here in negotiating down the amount I owed. What I should have done was ask more questions about the IMF, the legal ramifications of laundering money, what on earth they were talking about that happened on April 11 (even lads should know that the disaster was on *September* 11, right?), and so on.

I know I wouldn’t have gotten anything good from them, but it would have been kinda fun to sort through the gibberish they would have sent me.

Date: June 12, 2014
Subject: Re: NTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND..

Okay thanks for your mail so you I will help you with the sum of
2,000zl so you are to get 4,000zl sent okay so I will want you to know
that once you are able to get the sum of 4.000zl sent you will have
your loan funds transfer to you ok so get back to me now so that I can
send you the moneygram payment information. In which you are going to
use in making the payment of 4,000zl sent

How nice! They are helping me with 2000 zlotys, so I only need to come up with 4000. And, IMF apparently stands for “Nternational Monetary Fund”. Who knew?

And, yes, before anyone asks – I did receive five additional copies of this email. How ever did you guess?

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:22 am

Date: June 14, 2014
Subject: what is going on?

What is going on?

June 15, 2014 (in response to the earlier email about the zloty reduction)
Is good thanks. you good guy, mister piere.

Harry will send money gramme paymnet when he go to market nxet week.

Your frend,
Harry

June 16, 2014
Here is the moneygram payment information in which you are going to
use in making the payment of 4000zl sent.

MONEYGRAM PAYMENT INFORMATION

Receiver's Name: LAMBET HARRY
Receiver's Country: NIGERIA
Receiver's State: EDO STATE
Address: #20 DOVA STREET EKPOMA, BENIN CITY
Test Question:WHEN
Test answer:NOW
Amount sending:4000zl

As soon as the payment is made through MONEYGRAM* , you are
required provide us with the following information's:

Sender's Name:
Sender's Country:
Sender's State:
Sender's City:
Reference Number:
Amount Sent:

Note that after making the payment sent you are to send us the scan
copy of the payment slip.

I only received two copies of the email this time. Lad’s slipping.

June 17, 2014
Mister Piere,

Is good thanks. will send you money gramme paymnet nxet time harry go to market.

Your frend,
Harry

At this point, I thought I’d try to re-establish the dollar chop and try to bring the nefarious Clyd3 C@sh back onstage.

June 21, 2014
Mister Piere,

I send you money gramme paymnet yesterday. did you get?

Where my zlotys?

Your frend,
Harry

June 21, 2014
send me the refrence number in which you use in making the payment of
4,000zl sent and also send me the scan copy of the moneygtam payment
slip

Again, I only received two copies of this email. Something must be up.

June 22, 2014
Mister Piere,

Is referance number 27355625. pls tell harry when you mail out zlotys.

Your frend,
Harry

It’s been four whole days and I haven’t heard anything? Time to take a stick and poke the beehive a couple of times.

June 26, 2014
Mister Piere,

Where you been? harry has not herd from you for days and days, so he is woried.

Have you picked up zlotys from money gramme store? have you mailed harry his zlotys yet?

Your frend,
Harry

June 27, 2014
you have to send me the moneygram scan copy in which you use in making
the payment of 4,000 zl sent

Again, only two copies of this email. To quote my good “frend” Mister Piere: “What is going on”

June 29, 2014
Mister Piere,

Harry do not have scaner. why does you need scan copy to pick up zlotys? cant you just go to money gramme store? zlotys, they are wating for you.

Your frend,
Harry

June 30, 2014
you are to attach the slip and send it to me or you go
to a cyber cafe
they will tell you how to attach it okay or you snap it
clearly and
attach it and sent it to me ok

July 1, 2014
Miater Piere,

What is cyber cofee? harry, he live on pig farm in polska. we does not have cyber cofee here.

harry old frend (JANEK), he have scaner. but harry no longer talk janek. janek, he like men and he try pack harry fudge. harry not do that -- you only man for me, mister piere.

so, how does you want harry sent you slip?

Twój kochający mąż się (Translation: “Your loving husband to-be”)
Harry

July 2, 2014
So I will want you to know that we are unable to comfirm the payment
of 4000zl wish you sent I will want you to know that you have to go
back to the moneygram store and change the name so that I can simply
transfer your loan funds to you so get back to me so that I can send
you the new moneygram information's

Okay. This seems like it may be promising. They can’t confirm the payment and they want me to change the name. At this point, I was planning to wait a day or two and then come back and report that Clyd3 had already picked up the money.

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:31 am

Date: July 3, 2014
Subject: You need to hurry up now, how long from now will be sending the 40,000zl for the new details?

Hi there,

I want to report that just came back from the Moneygram office to
confirm payment 4,000ZL which sent fine.

Therefore, the Moneygram agent told me that the receiver of 4,000zl is
blocked from receiving money through Moneygram, both the 4,000zl is
not yet well taken. So all you need to do now for us to complete this
operation this afternoon is for you to go back to the Moneygram
Shop/Store were you paid the 4,000zl and tell them to resend the
payment information below so that we can collect the 4,000zl this
Afternoon and transfer your loan well.

Therefore Note that you are to send the payment twices you will be
sending the fee of 4,000zl in two which in 2,000zl, 2,000zl each to
make it 4,000zl for security reasons.

Use new information below to send the 2,000zl, 2,000zl each to make it
4,000zl now, so I can confirm the payment and your loan can be
transferred to you either.

New details of Moneygram payment.

Name of recipient: Ogbebor Uyinor
Recipient's Country: Nigeria
Receptor status: Edo State
Receiver City: Benin City
Text Question: Color
Text Answer: Red
Amount to: 2,000zl

After making the first payment of 2,000zl you are to get back to us
with the informtions below to enable us comfirm the payment.

Sender name:
Sender Country:
Amount sent:
MTCN Numbers:

=========================================================================
note that you are to use same information details below to send the
order payment of 2,000zl.
==========================================================================
Name of recipient: Ogbebor Uyinor
Recipient's Country: Nigeria
Receptor status: Edo State
Receiver City: Benin City
Text Question: Color
Text Answer: Red
Amount to: 2,000zl

After making the secound payment of 2,000zl you are to get back to us
with the informtions below to enable us comfirm the payment.

Sender name:
Sender Country:
Amount sent:
MTCN Numbers:

I want you to hurry back to the Moneygram Shop/Store and make payment
prior to the new data, so I'll be able to confirm the payment in time
and transfer your loan on time either. So after sending payment to new
information, I will send the details below for confirmation of
payment.

Sender name:
Sender Country:
Amount sent:
MTCN Numbers:

You need to hurry up now, how long from now will be sending the
40,000zl for the new details?

I await your urgent email now.

Mr JeanPierre Pascal.

Okay. I’m not ashamed to admit that this one completely threw me for a loop. First off, it’s pretty obvious that this is a different writer:

(i) The lad writing the email has a considerably better syntax and command of English than do most of his compatriots.
(ii) The lad is far more polite than any other contact I’ve ever had with these chuckleheads.
(iii) He even signed his name as my friend Mister Piere, which I haven’t seen done since the earliest of emails.

About the only thing that gave me any feeling of continuity was that I received two copies of this email, as is par for the course.

On top of that, the content really floored me. He is confirming receipt of the payment (which “sent fine”) but is telling me that the receiver is blocked on their end? I noticed that he changed the name of the recipient (yet again) but this has happened so many times it doesn’t even faze me. I know that one of our classic modalities is to claim *we're* having problems because the receiver is blocked but I can't understand why he would send a signal to me that anything untoward was happening on the lads' end.

Seriously, folks, I could use some help from some older and wiser Eaters with this one. Since he has yet to receive any of my money, I just don’t see what he has to gain by this gambit.

Whenever I'm unsure of a situation, I prefer to stay quiet, observe, learn, and come up with a plan so…

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:35 am

Date: July 4, 2014
Subject: WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

He’s baa-aack. OK, let’s try the dollar chop one more time…

July 5, 2014
Mister Piere,

AM WONDERING SMAE THING. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

harry check at money gramme store and they tell harry that mister clyde, he pick up harry paymnet no prolbem.

Did mister clyde not give zlotys you?

WHERE MY ZLOTYS?!?

Your (not) frend,
Harry

And after that, nothing further from the lad. I gave him a bit over a week and then channeled some of my feelings about this bait ending so ignominiously (seriously, how many times do you have an opportunity to use that word?) into my next email.

July 14, 2014
MISTR PIERE,

WHAT IS GOING ON?!? I SENT ZLOTYS TO MISTER CLYDE AND HE PIK THEM UP.

MISTER CLYDE, HE NOT RPSOND TO ME AND NOW YOU NOT REPSOND BACK EITHER!!!

WHERE MY ZLOTYS, YOU PIGFUCKER?!?!?!?

YOUR NOT FREND,
HARRY

The curse word is actually one of my favorites in real life. Since I’m playing a pig farmer, well, it just seemed natural to use, even if it is a bit out of character.

And, since then? Nada. I don’t think they caught on that I was baiting them so I’m guessing they just moved on to a different operation.

Oh, well. I’ve still got the splinter group going strong, so more on that to come. (Although, in all likelihood, it won’t be until after the weekend. The pool beckons…)

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:46 am

Sorry, Salting, still a n00b here. How long do I have to keep them on the hook to get a timer icon?

Salting the Gold mine wrote:

You plonker Laughing

I would forget the bank accounts and just go straight for a sand-timer.
Great work,keep it up Thumbs up

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 11:33 am

A year matey.

Or you could just cheat like er um oh what's his bloody name?

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 1:36 pm

^^

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:04 pm

Sits on a bench,drunk on palm wine?

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:59 pm

A year?!?

Well, not let be sed that harry, he not up for challenj. harry, he see what he can do.

Although, seriously, I'm thinking it may be time to switch things up a bit. I may have an accident befall Harry and bring Bilo or one of the kids to center stage for a while.

Salting the Gold mine wrote:

A year matey.

Or you could just cheat like er um oh what's his bloody name?

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:36 pm

So, now we’re done with the original lads and we’re moving on to the splinter group. When we last left off, the rebel forces had established a new email address, a new loan firm (harryl0ans), and were asking me to pay 6000 zlotys for some sort of non-residential tax fee.

(It seems very coincidental that both sets of lads asked me to pay an additional 6000 zlotys. I’m going to guess that the lads had decided to soak me for an additional 6K one way or another and, then, when the break-up happened, both decided to run with the same idea.)

Date: June 12, 2014
Subject: Urgent mail is needed from harry now ok.

HELLO,

We receive your details and it content was well noted, like I said before in my previous mail we want you to know that everything regarding your loan transfer have been put in place all we need from you is just trust and understanding.

NOTE: All applicant abroad (outside the country), must make a down payment know as the (NON-RESIDENTIAL TAX FEE), Due to the lending policy 174/Ur in the amended constitution of the act 2004 in the lending policy which is thus 6.000 zl of the principle loan amount.

This document signifies the agreement between you, Mr. Harry the borrower and we the Sun loan Company lender’s , so your loan sum is already in the transfer section you are to try as much as possible to get the fee paid by tomorrow for the loan to be transfer immediately into your bank account without any further delay.

As we both agreed on, get back to me now so that i can send you the payment information in which you are going to use in making the payment by tomorrow so that your loan can be transfer to your bank account.

And as soon as the payment is confirmed, your loan will transfer to your bank account immediately.

Thanks for working with us.

Regards.

Mr Harry.

June 13, 2014
Mister Piere,

You not anser harry qestion. what for you change name of loan firm? what kind of problem you have?

Your frend,
Harry

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:45 pm

Date: June 13, 2014
Subject: Re: TELL HARRY TO USE THE MONEYGRAM PAYMENT INFORMATION BELOW TO MAKE THE PAYMENT SENT TODAY

NOTE: All applicant abroad (outside the country), must make a down payment know as the (NON-RESIDENTIAL TAX FEE), Due to the lending policy 174/Ur in the amended constitution of the act 2004 in the lending policy which is thus 6.000 zl of the principle loan amount.

And also company name is HARRY LOANS FIRM i want you to know that if you can get this 6,000zl send today your loan funds will be paid into your account today ok.

Date: June 14, 2014
Subject: TELL HARRY TO USE THE MONEYGRAM PAYMENT INFORMATION BELOW TO MAKE THE PAYMENT SENT TODAY...

Hello harry what is going on you need to get back to us now so i can give you the payment information for you to make the 6,000zl send i will be waiting for your urgent mail now ok.

I received four copies of this email, all on June 14, 2014.

June 15, 2014
Mister Piere,

6.000 zlotys is way way way more than harry can aford. harry is not rich intner natonal banker like you.

We need to negotate down amout or harry cannot aford loan.

Your frend,
Harry

Just as with the last group of lads, I really think I jumped the gun here in negotiating down the amount I owed. What I should have done was ask more questions about this non-residential tax fee, what on earth policy 174/Ur is, why a constitution that was amended in 2004 impacts me now, etc. For that matter, I should have pushed harder on why they changed the name of their loan firm.

It’s petty, I know, but I do enjoy watching the lads strain their peabrains to try and come up with some sort of reasonable response.

June 16, 2014
Ok i understand you harry i want you to send us your email Address: and also Password: with your phone number to call you i want you to get back to me now with your email and password i want you to know that you should try to send it now before we can tell you the amount you will pay i will help you get your loan today so you need to try get back to me today so i can tell you the amount to aford send today ok

Harry i want you to get back to me now with those information below

email Address:

Password:

phone number:

i will be waiting for your urgent email now with so i can tell you the amount to pay ok.

I received *six* copies of this email, all on June 16. Since I’ve been getting many copies of these emails and since “ok” is liberally sprinkled throughout most of them, I think it’s pretty obvious which of the two crews ended up with Mr. O.K. Multimail.

And he wants my *password*? Seriously?!? Well, if he wants me to give him my password, he’s gonna have to *work* for it…

June 16, 2014
Hello harry what is going on???

I received three copies of this email, all of which also arrived on June 16. Do you get the impression he wants to make sure that I communicate with him via this email address and that I do not contact the lads at the original email address regarding my loan?

June 17, 2014
Mister Piere,

Is good thanks. will sent you pasword right away.

Only thing is, befor harry sent to you, harry need to make sure you really you.

Can you pls send harry picture of you first?

Your frend,
Harry

This is where I decided to try building up to getting a silly picture from my lad. I know it’s dangerous to ask lads for pictures because enough of them have been burned by previous baiters that many of them will kill the deal once they have a suspicion that a victim is really a baiter. However, given our long-standing relationship, I thought this was an acceptable risk and, due to the amount of time that he’s sunk into me, I didn’t think he would drop me at the first sign of trouble. (Please see Otterfan’s essay on the “Investment Effect”.)

June 18, 2104
Hello harry i got your mail,

Here is my ID card in the File i want you to try and get back to me now with am urgent mail i want you to get back to us with your password and also get back to us now so i can tell you how much you are to pay before your loan funds can be send down to you without any other delay ok and also send us your phone number so we can call you if you loan funds has been deposited into your account i will be waiting for the information below ok

Harry i want you to get back to me now with those information below

email Address:

Password:

phone number:

i will be waiting for your urgent email now with so i can tell you the amount to pay ok.

I received three copies of this email, all of which included the following attachment. While the passport I got from the other group of lads wasn’t too bad, this one is just laughably terrible. While I’m far from an expert, I think it makes almost every possible mistake that you could make with a forgery. (Grainy photograph. The names don't match. The signature doesn't match the name. The passport expired so long ago that it’s almost old enough to vote. The photoshopped font isn’t even close to realistic.) Absolutely classic. I know it’s taboo to educate the lads but after receiving this gem, I was oh-so tempted.

June 19, 2014
Mister Piere,

Oh no no no no no. is not good at all.

Picture you sent harry is just pass port. could belong to any one. harry need real proof that you is you.

Will talk to you soon.

Your frend,
Harry

I’m still slowly trying to build up to the idea of getting a silly photo from my lad. Although I’m having a lot of fun with my Harry character, I’ve learned that one of the main problems in writing in a “Me Tarzan, You Jane” dialect is that it’s really difficult to bring up an issue that requires any sort of subtlety.

June 20, 2014
Hello harry i got your mail,

Here is my picture i want you to know that you really need to get back to me now with the below information that needed for you to as well get your loan funds today i want you to know that all you need to do now is for you to get back to me now with your phone number mail password now for the bank so make your loan transfer and also i can tell you the amount to pay since you said you can not pay 6,000zl so i want you to urgently get back so i can tell you the amount to pay now and also get back now with your email password.

Harry i want you to get back to me now with those information below

email Address:

Password:

phone number:

Thanks
Josh Harry.

I only received two copies of this email, but the lad did attach the following picture twice to each email. Strangely, although the individual in the photograph looks nothing like the one on the passport, he does sort of look like the guy in the passport I got from the other lads.

June 22, 2014
Mister Piere,

Thank you for picutre but is still no good. picture you sent harry could be any really reaaly good looked person. harry need know that man in picture is really you.

What you need do is hold up some thing in picutre so harry know you is you. since harry is your favarit cutsomer and you name bank after harry, you need hold up sign saying "I LOVE H@RRY B@LSACH" in picture. then harry know you really you.

You do that, mister piere, then harry sent you pass word.

Your frend,
Harry

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:55 pm

Date: June 23, 2014
Subject: Re: TELL HARRY TO USE THE MONEYGRAM PAYMENT INFORMATION BELOW TO MAKE THE PAYMENT SENT TODAY (cont.)

Hello harry I got your mail,

We do want you to know that we are not using your password for anything we just want to be very very sure that you will pay back the loan funds when it get to your account also I want you to know that am in office I can not send more picture to you I already been you my picture also my I'd card I just want to tell you that I can not send you more picture in this because of my work so I want you to know that the fee you are ask to pay is 6,000zl and I will help you with 2000zl why you pay 4,000zl today I want you to know that your loan funds has already been deposited into your acccount try and get back to me now with the email password and your cell phone number for the international bank to call you also get back to me now so I can only give you western union information for you to pay the 4,000zl ok.

I received two copies of this email, both on June 23.

Ohhhh. So *that’s* why he wants my password. It’s not to raid my email account or anything like that. It’s just so he can be sure that I will pay back the loan funds. Well, that makes *perfect* sense…

June 24, 2014
Mister Piere,

If harry not get picutre, piere not get pass word. then, harry may need go other internet bank for zlotys loan.

Your (not) frend,
Harry

At this point, I decided to dig my heels in the ground. A lot of times in tense negotiations, he who blinks first loses and, since I know of at least one other reliable and legitimate internet bank out there, I ain’t gonna blink.

June 25, 2014
Hello harry I got your mail,

We do want you to know that it because am in the office place that why your friend can not send picture but I tell you now that in the next mail I will send harry picture for harry to know his friend I want you to also send my your picture for me to know my friend harry I will send you the picture ok how could you say you go other to seek for the loan know I want you to know that your loan funds has already been deposited into your account ok.

I received three copies of this email.

Aaaaand now we’re friends, apparently because he used the word three times in one email. Although, I can’t claim to understand the “lad logic” of not being able to take pictures while they’re in the office. If you’re going to come up with an excuse, *please* try to come up with something better than that…

Although, I do have to chuckle at the “how could you say you go other to seek for the loan” line. Yeah, because we have such a strong relationship based on trust and mutual respect, I would assume.

June 27, 2014
Hello Harry how is your family,

I do like to tell you that I really like to help you get this loan from this company I like you as a friend I really want us to know more about how self you said you need my picture am trying to send you the full of my picture but here also i can send you my facebook for you to see me and know me more better hope you understand me very well harry friend I want you to try and send me your cell phone number now for me to call you and also we talk much better on cell phone I promise I will help harry to get the loan complete ok..Awaiting your urgent email now.

Your friend harry.

I received two copies of this email. Well, not only are we still friends but now he’s concerned about my family. Do these lads have some sort of textbook they use, or is there an anti-Eater website that they share tips and tricks on?

And he now wants to give me access to his Facebook site? Umm, no.

June 29, 2014
Mister Piere,

Am stil wating for picutre. remeber - harry need you hold up sign saying "I LOVE HARRY BALSACH" in picutre. then harry know you really you. then you and harry can be frends and call eachother.

Harry

I’m not blinking. Not gonna do it. Although, if he wants to be friends with me, he’s gonna have to prove it…

July 2, 2014
Mister Piere,

Where has you ben? harry still waiting for picutre from you but it never come. does you no longer want do buisnes wiht your frend harry?

If not, is ok. harry has new email frend. he US solder in iranq who need help move dusty gold from house.

Harry stil miss you, mister piere. you good guy.

Your frend,
Harry

It’s been a couple of days and I just want to keep the ball in play. Since the thought of me going to another internet bank freaked the lad out so much, I thought I’d drop some hints that I was getting involved in another scam.

Again, my dialect (along with Harry’s “soft focus” view of the world) made it difficult for me to raise the topic, but I tried to set up a pretty clichéd US soldier scam. For whatever reason, the lad didn’t rise to this.

July 5, 2014
Mister Piere,

WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

Harry has ben wating and wating for picutre. not sure what is prolbem. harry try make zlotys paymnet many many time and you never get zlotys.

harry make many many trips to market and money gramme store but you never pick up zlotys.

does you not want work with harry because harry english, she not good?

is OK, I gess. harry can take hint. will go to other internet bank. we done here Sad

Jebiesz jeze a twoja matka jest szmata,
Harry

At this point, I thought I lost the lad. I didn’t get quite as nasty with him as I had with the other group but I still reminded him of all the time and hard work I put into this transaction and all of the trips I took to the MG store to try to pay him. Plus, I’m starting to love the idea of starting emails with “what is going on”…

I know it’s bad form to laugh at your own jokes but every time I see the sad face in the email, it makes me chuckle. It just seems so in character for Harry.

BTW, the Polish here is idiomatic so it doesn’t Google translate perfectly. Although I can’t remember where I found this, I do believe that it tells him that his mother is some kind of whore.

July 11, 2014
Hello my friend harry,

I got your mail , we have been busy doing transfer of many loans that was really why we didn't answer your mails I understand every well that you need this loan funds but I want you to know that because we have been busy I can not email you picture of your friend I want you to trust me the many payment you have been sending was not receive by the company I told you that do not email the others emails address we help you with before and I also make it clear to you that email address <original lads' email addy> this very email you make payment to is not available we have bad problem with the email so please do not email them again and trust me you loan funds will get into your account at once.

I want you to know that the loan funds will be transfer to your account but you need to go back to the money gramme store and pick up all the money you send and also get back to me so I will tell you how to make the payment and get your loan funds into your account without you paying anymore fee again hare is really good that you make me understand about your english but is good and the company will offer you the loan ok give the a try and I promise harry to put a smile on his face again I want you to know that only if you just do as I say and you will be happy and your family will be happy to because you will receive the loan funds on time today all I want you to know now that do not email that email you make many payment to because day do not have loan to offer you if you trust me and do as I ask you to go back to the money gramme and pick up the many money you pay that has not been pick up get back to me and I will tell you how to pay the money and give you the payment information details for you to make the fee and get your loan ok.

Thanks.
Await your email soon ok

He’s back, and with a long and rambling email. I received three copies of this email which did provide me with quite a few chuckles: (i) They wanted to make *very* sure that I did not email the other lads at the original email address. Man, I *so* want to know what happened to make these lads split up. (ii) He thinks my English is good. (iii) He wants to put a smile on my face by giving me a loan. All together now: “Awwwww…”

July 14, 2014
Hello what is the problem have you pick up the money?? i want you to get back to me now so i can tell you the details on how to make payment so you can finally receive your loan funds at once into your account i will be waiting for your urgent email now ok.

I received three copies of this email.

July 15, 2014
Hello what is the problem?? Have you pick up the money ?? I want you to get back to me urgently now so I can give you to details to make the fee sent it will not take 2 to 3 hours for you to receive the loan funds into your account I will be waiting for your urgent email now ok.

I received three copies of this email. Do you get the sense he’s getting anxious?

July 15, 2014
Mister Piere,

Is not good. not good at al.

harry, he fill out farms for you. he answer you qestons. he send out paymnet to you. but harry not get zlotys.

then you, mister piere, ask harry for pass word and more zlotys. all poor harry ask for is one littel thing, one picutre and you says no.

HOW CAN HARRY TRUST YOU, MISTER PIERE?!?

Twoja matka była chomikiem, a ojciec śmierdział jagodami
Harry

At this point, I know he’s still interested in me and he seems really eager to close this deal quickly, which gives me more incentive to dig in my heels, not blink, reiterate everything I’ve done for him, and demand my picture.

The closing translates as “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of berries.” (Apparently, the word “elderberries” doesn’t translate to Polish.)

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:59 pm

Date: July 16, 2014
Subject: Re: TELL HARRY TO USE THE MONEYGRAM PAYMENT INFORMATION BELOW TO MAKE THE PAYMENT SENT TODAY (cont.)

Hello harry we do not trust you because the payment you send we didn't see them if you want us to believe that you are really looking for a loan go back and pick up the money and get back to me so I can give you the details to make the payment

I received four copies of this email which, for some strange reason, kind of honked me off. He’s an internet scammer sending out unsolicited emails and *he* doesn’t trust *me*?!? (Although, in all fairness, after nearly 3 1/2 months of yanking him around, I guess he really shouldn’t have reason to trust me.)

July 17, 2014
Hello harry I know you really need the loan funds but trust me if you go and pick up the money you send and get back to me so I can give you details to make the payment send so you can get your loan funds complete ok.

I received two copies of this email. It’s only one day later, and he’s all apologetic and understanding and really wants to help me so long as I trust him? Wow. This lad totally reminds me of this subtly abusive passive-aggressive girl I dated for a while…

July 17, 2014
Mister Piere.

Harry is vary vary tired of keep going to money gramme sotre. harry do need zlotys but not more money gramme store bzdura prawda. (translation: bullshit)

Harry, he spek to brother (BILO) and bilo, he tell harry do bank trasnfer. so you go set that up , mister piere, or Jebalem twoja matke. (translation: I’ll fuck your mother)

Your not frend,
Harry

July 18, 2014
Hello thanks for your mail harry,

We do like to let you know that we really understand all what you said I want you to get back to me now with your cell phone number also get back to us if you can make payment of 6000zl true transfer bank will be send it down to you if you ready to make the payment today so you can finally receive your loan funds into your account I want you to get back to us urgent with your cell number for the transfer bank to call you deposit the loan funds also I want you to also get back to us now because we really understand that you need the loan funds trust this company we are ready to offer you the loan complete into your account I want you to get back to us now so we can email you the transfer bank account for you to send down the 6000zl send into in the next 2 to 3 hours the transferring bank will deposit your loan funds ok.

I will be waiting for your urgent email so I can give you the bank details to send the 6000zl today also with your cell phone number that is available for the company to call you urgent ok

Thanks.

I received three copies of this email.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And, for now, that’s about it. I’m starting to get a bit tired of Harry’s idiocy (and I also get the feeling I may be starting to paint myself into a corner) so I think it may be time to introduce a new character to our little saga. To set the stage, I’m going to have Harry go “radio silent” for a few days and then I’ll throw the lads a curve ball and see if they swing at it.

Thanks again for reading and, of course, any suggestions or comments you may have would be greatly appreciated.

Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 2:49 pm

Update #1: Well, as promised, I threw the lads a curve ball and the lads swung at it. I don't want to go into too much detail (since things are so new) but I created a very vulnerable new character and the lads are all over it like flies on, well, something that flies like.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here but this just goes to prove how completely evil and immoral these lads are. I mean, it's one thing to take advantage of a barely literate pig farmer but to take advantage of the character I've just created totally crosses the line.

I think I'm going to take Salting up on his "sand timer" challenge and see if I can keep these SOB's on the hook for a year...

Update #2: Completely out of the blue, the *original* group of lads I was dealing with just sent me two emails, one in English and one in Polish. I'm still trying to make sense of the email but it looks like this bait (which I had written off as over and done with) may have re-entered the land of the living.

Thanks again for reading and for your encouragement and comments!

Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2014 1:59 am

As I mentioned before, I was getting a bit tired of Harry, so I thought it would be a good time to move Harry to the wings for a little while and bring a new (and slightly more literate) character to center stage. First off, though, we needed to have a little accident befall Harry, so I sent this email to Harry from Harry’s address and blind copied *both* sets of lads.

Date: July 21, 2014
Subject: Update on H@rry B@lsach (aktualizować na H@rry B@lsach)

Deer Friends & Family,

I'm sorry to let you know, a few days ago, H@rry B@lsach was injury while he working.

Altho the injury did not do life damage on Harry, Harry wil need to spend recover time.

A member of Harry family will conteact you with more ifrormation.

Sincerely,

Bil0 B@lsach (Harry's brother)

Drodzy Frzyjaciele i Rodzina,

Z przykrością informujemy, że kilka dni temu, H@rry B@lsach otrzymał obrażenia, podczas gdy on pracował.

Chociaż szkoda nie była zagrażająca życiu, Harry będzie musiał spędzić trochę czasu odzyskania.

Członkiem rodziny Harry'ego będzie kontaktowanie się z Wami więcej informacji.

Z poważaniem,

Bil0 B@lsach (brat Harry'ego)

I didn’t want to risk the lads dropping me if they received an email in Polish so, even though it would probably have made more sense to write the email in Polish first and then follow up with the English “translation”, I played it safe and led off with English. Since Google Translate doesn’t handle misspellings well, I wrote a grammatically correct email in English, translated it to Polish, and then Harry-ized the grammar and spelling of my English version.

Then, a day or so later, I followed up the bad news with an email from my new character.

Date: July 22, 2014
Subject: h@rry b@lsach business

hi harryloans!!!

even tho im emailing you from my dads email im not my dad im my dads dauter. well thats kind of silly i gess because everyone is their dads dauter (unless theyre boys LOL!!!) so i gess i should say that I'm h@rry b@lsachs dauter oksan@ b@lsach.

anyways i hope uncle bilo told you but dad got injured a couple of days ago. he was out feeding his pigs and one of them came runnig a little too fast and ended up runing into my dads leg. he ended up nokking my dad over and as my dad went down he ended up nokking his head into the feeding troff (my dads head not the pigs LOL!!!). my brother stanislav found dad a couple of hours later and we woke him up and walked him to the doctor.

anyways it turns out he has a concushin (sorry i don't know the english spelling for wstrząs LOL!!!) and everybody says he's going to be fine and just needs to get alot of bedrest for a while. anyways i just spoke with Doctor Zabićśmiesz who said that he (my dad not the doctor LOL!!!) might be acting kind of goofy for a while but that we shouldnt get worried about that. well i just tride to spoke with my dad and he kind of mumbled and said some wierd things but thats how my dad usually talks LOL!!!

anyways my uncle bilo gave me dads email password and told me to make sure i emailed you. he said that my dad told him your a real nice person and that youd be able to help explane to me some deal you were helping my dad with. it would probably be best if you can just write to me at my dads email address but if you need it i can give you my own email.

thanks and ill talk to you soon!!!
oksan@ b@lsach

(\__/) .~ ~ ~ ~. ))
/O O ./ .'
{O__, \ {
/ . . ) \
|-| '-' \ } ))
.( _( )_.'
'---.~_ _ _&

A few notes:
(i) Since I’d mentioned that Harry had kids several times before, I felt comfortable in having one of them taking over Harry’s email duties. Even though I’d previously named two of Harry’s sons (Stanislav and Kowalski) but not a daughter, I decided to roll the dice on this one, since I just felt like roleplaying as a girl with these guys. (Although, what that says about my mental state, I really don’t want to know.)
(ii) Yes, I realize that Harry’s favorite pig (with whom he had an … odd relationship) was named Oksana, and now he has a daughter named Oksana. What can I say? Paging Dr. Freud.
(iii) There is actually an element of truth in Harry’s accident. One of my friends at work has a half-blind pit bull that is always running into her and taking her out at the knee. I decided to run with that idea and just needed to make it a bit more specific to Harry’s life. Although, I must confess that I find it darkly humorous that Harry’s family cares so little about him that they left him lying unconscious in the mud for hours and then walked him to the doctor.
(iv) Damn, but it is difficult to write as Oksana. Since her writing style is about as far away from mine as it can be, I’m probably putting in more work than I should but I’m having a blast doing it. Usually, I bang out my first letter, then take out periods and line breaks and start running sentences together. Then, I need to make a series of typos, convert it to Oksana’s l33t speak, over-punctuate, put in her LOL’s, and then paste in that stupid squirrel.
(v) Anyways, speaking of that stupid ASCII squirrel, I was looking for some kind of goofy-cute signature for Oksana and, when I came across the squirrel, it just screamed Oksana to me. Although I’m not going to include it in every email exchange here, yes, I did paste it into every single one of Oksana’s emails.

Date: July 23, 2014
Subject: GET BACK TO US WITH THIS INFORMATION BELOW OK.

Hello oksan@ b@lsach thanks for your mail,

You are just like your dad nice everything will be well with
your dad I want you to pray over your dad to get better I understand
all what you said yes I will also need your own email address so I can
also be talking to you time to time is Good to know you oksana also
send me your cell phone number so I can talk to you on phone I promise
your dad to help him all you need to do now get back to me with your
email, phone number now ok the company promise to do all to offer your
dad the loan funds I want to trust me as I trust your dad I will trust
you and give you the help I will be waiting for your urgent email with
the information needed from you

oksan@ b@lsach I want you to know that you are free free you email me
anytime from now also I will give you an urgent call if you get back
to me with your cell phone number to rich you without problem also I
want you to urgently get back to me so I can give you the next step to
take

Hope that the company can trust you make your dad dream come to pass
everything has already put in other here in our company all you need
to do now is get back to me with your number also your own email
address

GET BACK TO US WITH THIS INFORMATION BELOW OK.

Cell number:
Your own address:

Thanks
Mr. Harry loans.

Then, shortly after I got that one...

Date: July 23, 2014
Subject: Await your email soon next.

Hello oksana in regard to your mail,

We do i want you to know that everything consign your dad loan he applied for here in our company has been approved for transfer we do want you to know that it will be well with your dad try and get back to us now with your phone number so the company can really talk to you on cell phone i want you to understand that you are welcome and your dad dream of getting a loan funds will come to pass all we need from you right now is trust and understanding i hope that your next mail will be that after you get back with the information needed you are to make the payment of 6000zl i want to ask you can you send money true western union ? i want you to try as urgent as you can get back to us now everything has put in place i want you to get back to me now.

Urgent mail needed from you with your cell phone number also your email address so if email could not been deliver to your dad email can also sens down to yours i want you to try and promise that you will stand on your word by making your dad dream come to pass i want you to know that you are the one now the company is waiting for now to get back to us with those information needed so we email you the next options.

Await your email soon next.

Mr. Harry Loans.

I received two copies of this email and, when combined with the earlier email, that makes three requests for my cell phone number quite early on in this new phase of the bait. Oh, hell, no. On the off chance that my writing style wasn’t juvenile enough, I thought I’d make it quite clear that I had no intentions of speaking with this lad on the phone.

July 24, 2014

hi mr harry!!!

ummmmmmm. im only 16 so i dont know alot about this stuff. my uncle bilo told me to email U and youd explane what my dad was doing. we don't really study banking alot in school so youll be like my proffessor or something LOL!!!

anyways im really sorry but i dont think i should be giving U my phone number. like i said, im only 16 and i dont think it would be good to be talking on the phone with a strange man. (btw im not saying that U R strange or anything like that its just that i dont really know U and since U R like an adult i dont think youd want to be calling a cute little 16 year old girl on her phone LOL!!! (altho, maybe U would is there something U R not telling me, mr harry? LOL!!!)

anyways right now i dont know much about whats going on betwen U and my dad. was my dad lending U 6.000 zlotys?

thanks and ill talk to you soon!!!
oksan@ b@lsach

Do you think I was clear enough about my age in this email?

Also, even though the lad seemed more than happy to keep communicating with me through Harry’s email address, if push came to shove and he required me to give him my personal email addy, I probably would have run with the squirrel theme and come up with something along the lines of “squ1rrel_g1rl.0xy” or something like that.

Date: July 25, 2014

Hello I got your mail,

We do want you to know that everything you said was well noted I want you to know that you dad need to pay 6,000zl for the transferring bank to make your loan transfer into your dad account there is noting am not telling you about the transaction the company needed your telephone number to give you a call sometimes about the loan funds transfer we do understand all you have said I want you to try as urgent as you can if you are to send the 6,000zl or your uncle bilo the company needed the fee for the process of the funds reflect.

Thanks.

Mr. Harry

This email really makes me laugh. The lad told me nothing about the transfer fee except that it was a fee for making a transfer and it took him a whole paragraph to spit it out.

July 28, 2014

hi mr harry!!! (or should i call U proffessor? LOL!!!)

ummmmmmm. okaaaay. i dont think i understand a lot of this but then im not a big banker or anything like that LOL!!!

anyways i think im really lost with this whole loan thing. i think U R putting a loan into my dads accout but U say that my dad needs to pay U for the transferring bank to loan funds transfer to go into my dads account? im sorry if i insult U by saying this but isnt that kind of silly? i mean if someone had the money to pay for a loan funds transfer i just dont see why theyd need a loan LOL!!!

anyways if i can like understand what more about this loan funds transfer itll be like a lot easier for me to be able to get the money and pay U

thanks and ill talk to you soon, proffessor harry!!!

oksan@ b@lsach

July 28, 2014

Hello I got your mail oksan@ b@lsach,

On behalf of the company we want you to know that everything is alright you will understand how to do the transaction also I understand you do not know anything about the fee because you where not the one apply the loan only your dad knows about the fee I want you to know that this is not the only first fee I want you to try and get back to me if you can make the payment of 6000zl send today true western union or.. Only you make the payment the loan you dad have applied long will reflect on his account without problem this is what you really need to do for your dad to believe that you real who you are I will be waiting for your mail soon next for me to give you the details to make payment sent ok.

Thanks.
Mr. Harry

WTF?!? I think he wants his payment made right away but, beyond that, I cannot claim to understand a single word of this email. Well, at least I know I’ve knocked him off of his script…

July 29, 2014

hi proffessor harry!!!

ummmmmm. im still not sure i understand a lot of this but ill trust U to make sure i do the right thing becuz U R such a nice and smart man ok LOL!!!

anyways can U please please pretty please (maybe with sugar on top LOL!!!) explane to me what this transfer fee is for? all U told me is that i need to pay this money so my dad can get a lone but i just don't understand what all that money is used for. i know its all really silly for U becuz U prolly deal with this like a million times a day but can U please explane why a lone transfer fees costs so much?

anyways if U can like use some simple words and help me understand and explane to me more about this lone funds transfer itll be like a lot easier for me to be able to get the money and pay U. this would really really make life easier for my dad so i want to get this done as soon as we can.

thanks again, proffessor harry!!!

love and kisses
oksan@ b@lsach

The last sentence in this email is another of my favorite tricks. Before the lad has a chance to try to put some time pressure on me, I like to switch things up and tell him how eager I am to complete his transaction. This subtly puts some pressure on him and also takes away one of his weapons because, if he ever gets nasty about the time, I can just tell remind him that I already told him that and ask why he has been causing so many problems.

Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2014 2:04 am

Date: July 31, 2014
Subject: urgently waiting your next mail

In regards to your mail oksan@ b@lsach,

We want you to know that the fee of 6000zl is for the cost of convert the loan funds your dad applied reflect into his account if you can send the 6000zl today true western union we will give you the western union payment details to us in making the payment yes I have been into lending of loan for so long I have help so many people get dear dream come to pass we want you to know that the fee if for convert of the currency to poland that is why your dad where told to pay the cost of the convert which is only 6000zl I believe you understand very well that you are to send the 6000zl true western finally the loan funds will reflect show up into your account I want you to try and much as you can to get the fee read and get back for the details to make the payment send if truly you want to make you dad happy for you I know you can make it happen and you dad will be very happy for you also is not really bad to talk to you on phone I have a daughter like you can talk to her be friend as me and your dad is best of friend now oksan@ b@lsach try to see that you urgently email us soon ok.

Ah! Finally a (somewhat) reasonable explanation. I was also sort of pleased to see that I got him so far off his script that he is now making up members of his family who want to talk to me. I’m not even going to think about getting on the phone with him and trying to act like a sixteen year old girl but, still, this is a gift that I don’t want to pass up!

August 1, 2014

hi proffessor harry!!!

U have a dauter too?!? that is sooooo cool!!! how old is she and whats her name? is she as nice as U? ill bet she is!

does she have a boy friend? are U ok with her going out with and dating other boys? my dad doesnt really like it when i go out with boys but i still do some times. (i just can't let him know about it LOL!!!)if U promise not to tell him, theres one boy i kinda really like. im not sure yet but i think he might really really be the one. (just please please please dont let my dad know. his condishin rite now isnt very grate and some thing like this could really send him over the edge LOL!!!)

thanks again, proffessor harry!!!

lotsa love,

oksan@ b@lsach

ps: thank you for the information. now that I know under stand what the lone process fees is, i will gather up then money. then U can teach me how to do a western payment LOL!!!

I wasn’t sure how the lad would respond to a completely off-topic email so (just to play it safe) I decided to put in the PS so he wouldn’t think I totally forgot about the WU payment.

Date: August 4, 2014
Subject: Soon next Await your mail

Hello oksan@ b@lsach I got your mail very nice everything you said was well understood i will not let your dad knows anything about that ok I promise, why not give me your cell phone so I give to my kids I have girl boy day will love to have you as new friend ???? oksan@ b@lsach what is now the problem the transferring bank is waiting you guys to get back so we can give you the details to make the 6000zl sent true western union or if you can also deposit it right from your bank to the company bank ok talk it with your family and look for the 6000zl ready and get back in your next mail so we can email you the details you like to make payment with ok.

Thanks oksan@ b@lsach regards to your dad and all family ok.

Mr. Harry

He’s still talking about the payment but I’ve also got him giving me more family details. I’ll consider this a win, so I think it may be time to twist the screws a bit tighter…

August 5, 2014

hi proffessor harry!!!

U have a dauter AND a son?!? that is sooooo cool!!! U R sooooo lucky to have two kids!!!! as U can prolly tell, i love kids!!! when i get older i want to have a hole bunch of kids but i dont think im reddy just yet LOL!!! and besides, if i had a kid now i think i mite end up killing my dad LOL!!!

anyways how old are ur kids and what are their names? do U have a picture of them? U R such a nice man ill bet U always keep pictures of them with U, am i rite LOL!!! please please please can U send me a picture of ur kids?!? ill bet they are soooo cute!!!

thanks, proffessor harry!!!

lotsa love,

oksan@ b@lsach

ps: dont worry i havent for gotten about ur 6.000 zlotys im not that dumb LOL!!! its just that thats a lot of money and i need some time to get it all together. my dad doesn't really think i can handel this kinda stuff so think about how proud hell be when he learns that i was abel to help him get his lone!!! anyways i think i just need a couple of days to gather up then money.

At this point, I still didn’t have the courage to write a completely off-topic email, so I threw in the PS again. I also mentioned the problems I was having in putting together the payment, so I’m hoping that bought me a few more days.

Date: August 7, 2014
Subject: Soon next Await your mail

Hello oksan@ b@lsach Good day,

We got your mail we do want you to know that everything here is processing fine if you promise by some days you will get back to us for the western union details to make the payment send.... Yes is really good that you love kids because God love us anyway as soon as time goes you will know more about my kids we do want you to try as much as you can by this week to tell us how much that you now have and how much to complete because the company really promise your dad to offer hem the loan we you proved by standing on your word fine the 6000zl at fast as you can and get back ok.

Thanks.

Mr. Harry.

Looks like the lad doesn’t want to play much more. He avoided my question about his kids by saying that would come with time and he also gave me a half-hearted deadline (“by this week”). Time to bring out the big guns and Create A Tragedy…

August 8, 2014

hi proffessor harry!!!

ummmmmmm. i just want U to no im trying rilly rilly hard to come up with your 6.000 zlotys but U wouldn't believe how many problems im having. rite now my dads still not doing all that well so alot of our money is going to his doctors bills and im not aloud to go to his bank acount so ive had to find other ways to get the money. ive put together some money here at home but its prolly not gonna be enuff so i may need to take some money out of my colege savings.

anyways then on top of all this my boyfriend has been acting like a big poopyhead!!! i know thats not a nice thing to say but its sooo true becuz he's just nothing but a big poopyhead LOL!!! just 2 or 3 days ago he was supposed to take me to the cinnema but instead he called me and sed he couldnt go becuz he needed to take care of his little brother who was sick and i was all like thats cool becuz, U know, family should come first but U know what?!? he ended up taking Weronika Sobczak to the cinnema instedd and the only reason he took her is becuz shes got big thingees (U know what i mean LOL!!!) its just sooo stressfull becuz i rilly think i mite love him but how cold he go out with WERONICA of all peeple?!? i shold just go up to her and grab her by her fake blond hair and swing her around the room like she's a dedd cat until her thingees pop off LOL!!!

anyways please please give me some more time an i will try to get your zlotys for U.

lotsa love,

oksan@ b@lsach

Even though I know it’s bad form to laugh at your own jokes, the thought of Oksana swinging Weronika around by her hair until her thingies pop off never fails to bring a smile to my face. I know, I know -- I’m a sick individual and I need help.

And, for any literary types out there, *of course* I got the idea of swinging a dead cat over your head from Mark Twain. (It was in Tom Sawyer, if I remember correctly.)

Date: August 10, 2014
Subject: Hello oksan@ b@lsach I got your mail,

Hello oksan@ b@lsach I got your mail,

We will have time but you really need to at fast ok we will be waiting for your next mail soon next that I should give you the information to make payment send also we do want you to tell us right now how much zl do you have with you and when soon will you complete it?? oksan@ b@lsach try to keep your promise to your dad that you proved to complete the transaction ok send my regards to your dad.

Thanks.
Mr. Harry.

This is the email that really pissed me off. If anyone out there doesn’t think that these lads are complete and total soulless trolls, have them read this. Oksana just told the lad that she was going to take money out of her college savings for paying off the loan fee, and all the lad told her was that she needed to act fast.

Well, we can’t have any of this. Time to turn the tragedy up to 11.

August 11, 2014

dear professor harry

i cant believe U i rilly cant. my life is ENDING over here and all U care about is ur silly zlotys payment. the man i love is dating some other girl (and BIG BOOBED WERONICA of all people) and U rilly think i hav time to go to the bank and get ur zlotys?!?

anyways i luv friderich i rilly do. i was so sure that he was the one and that we would get married and have lotsa kids and maybe ur kids could come over and play with mine even tho ur kids mite be a little older and they mite not want to play with some silly little kids but still they cold if they wanted LOL!!! and now its all over. no weeding no kids no visit from ur kids nie drobnostka (trans: no nothing) and all because of stupid weronica sobczak and stupid poopyhead friderich jaworski.

anyways i think i hate all boys rite now. all these stupid boys r just dumb stupid poopyheads and i hate hate HATE them all!!! well, except for my dad LOL. and my uncle bilo. and my brothers are OK, even tho stanislav can be a poopyhead sometimes. and U, too, proffessor harry. U R nice, even though U asked me about zlotys during one of the biggest crisises ill ever have in my life EVER!!

anyways i just dont no what to do rite now. ur so smart, proffessor harry, what would U do if something like this hapened to U?

id like to say lotsa luv, but i dont know if ill ever b able 2 luv again :'(

oksan@ b@lsach

This is another one of those incidents that come almost verbatim from my real life. Back when I was in college, I was managing a little family restaurant that employed a lot of high school girls. Well, without fail, these girls would always get into a fight with their boyfriends right before their shifts began and they would come into work distraught beyond belief and sure that their worlds were ending.

Not that I actually cared about their love lives but a calm server is one who does her job, while a distraught server meant that doing her job would fall to, well, me. So, I’d have to listen to her tale of woe and tell her that it wasn’t the end of the world and that things would work out and what will be will be, blah blah blah. (I was about as empathetic then as I am now.) Then, of course, the same thing would happen with a different boyfriend a couple of weeks later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

In any case, I tried to channel all of the angst and woe and pain and betrayal that I heard into poor Oksana’s cry for help. Did it work?

August 13, 2014

is like you are not ready to complete the transaction on be half of you dad when you are ready you can email us back ok. Thanks.

Ooh. You cold-hearted bastard.

But, seriously, in one of those weird instances of life imitating art, at the exact same time I got this email, I was writing about knowing your limits in my advice thread and, clearly, I had tried to push my lad *way* beyond his limits. Time to backpedal a bit and let the lad think he’s getting a bit closer to his script.

In any case, I thought it would be best to wait a couple of days for my broken heart to mend before mailing the lad again.

August 18, 2014

dear professor harry

im sorry, im rilly rilly sorry. that was very rong for me 2 get that upset over stupid poopyhead friderich jaworski and even stupider veronica bigboobs sobczak. and even worser i shouldnt have told U all about that. after all U R my dads friend and not mine. its just that none of mine own friends seem 2 care (U will get it over it they tell me. well what if i DONT?!?) and U R just so smart and so nice i thought youd want to help me.

anyways i think I'm all better now. so what if if I'm going 2 die old and alone and without a husband. maybe when your kids have kids of there own they can bring them over and i can play with then and pretend there my kids for a while. how wood U like that, proffessor harry LOL!!!

anyways just 2 show U how sorry i am and 2 show U how odpowiedzialny (sorry i dont know the english word) (trans: responsible) i can be i gathered up all the money i could and i can send it 2 U. can U please let me no how i should sent it.

anyways i hope U except my appology. im rilly sorry for acting lik a stupid little girl.

your friend

oksan@ b@lsach

Again, more real life examples. In one of my “pep talks”, I did tell the server that she’d get over it, to which she responded “What if I don’t?”. For some reason, my response that she’d die old, alone and unloved didn’t go over at all well. (Have I mentioned that empathy is not my strong suit?)

Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2014 2:07 am

Date: August 19, 2014
Subject: Urgent mail needed

Hello oksan@ b@lsach, We got your email well noted , your apology is fine i have nothing wrong about you but if you stand to proved to your dad that you can get the loan funds also i want you to know that here is the western union information for you to make the payment of the 6,000 zl send ok

WESTERN UNION PAYMENT INFORMATION.

Receiver's name: Uyigue Helen
Country: Nigeria
STATE: EDO STATE
Question text: When
Text Answer: Now
Amount to send: 6,000 zl

As soon as you have send this payment today, so i will kindly want
you to email us with the information that is list below:

Senders Name:
Country:
State:
City:
M.T.C.N Number:

Mr. Harry

Awesome. My life is still shattered, I’m going to die old, alone, and childless but at least I’ve got the lad emailing me and continuing with the bait. I’d like to consider that a win, so I’ll run with it.

August 20, 2104

dear professor harry

thats fine ----- thanx SOOOOO much for being so cool and under standing. i new youd be so nice about this and the silly way i was acing.

anyways like i told U i gathered up all the money i cold and i can send it 2 U. the only problem is that i coldnt get the whole 6.000 zlotys and was only abel to get a littel less than that. i even tired going 2 my bank and taking money from my collage fund but becuz im only 16 they told me that i coldnt take the money out without a parent. i tried explaning to the bank that i was taking out the money FOR my dad but they still didnt let me. those dupki. (sorry LOL!!!) (trans: assholes)

anyways i rilly rilly wished that U were there becuz, being a big banker like U R, ill bet U cold have explaned to them what was going on and they wold have let me taken out the money but since U were mad at me i didn't wan to bother U.

anyways i just wanted to make sure that it wold be OK if i sent U a littel less than 6.000 zlotys.

lotsa love

oksan@ b@lsach

I don’t know why, but I found myself oddly pleased with this email. Not only did I manage to build the lad up by stressing what a big important banker he was but I also snuck a quick little slap in there by telling him that I could have gotten him more money if only he hadn’t gotten mad at me over the Friderich situation.

Also note that I gathered up “a littel less than 6.000 zlotys”. Anyone want to guess how much I got?

Date: August 20, 2014
Subject: Urgent needed from you oksana

Hello oksan@ b@lsach in regards to your mail,

We do want you to know that everything you said was well noted we want you to tell us how much zlotys have you come up with so i can know what do about the transfer of your dad loan also we want you to get back to us as urgent as you can to inform how much zlotys you have now that you want to send ok.

Thanks.

Mr. Harry.

August 22, 2014

dear proffessor harry

ummmmmm. well lik i told U i gatherd up all the money i cold from every where i cold think of. my frends. my family. my naybors. my teachers. i even asked stupid poopyhead friderich for some money and he even gave me sum. i did tell U that i tryed going 2 my bank but they woldnt let me take out the money out becuz they sed im too young didnt i? is there anyways U cold call them and tell them to give me mor money, professor harry?

anyways i was able to get 3.491 zlotys. and also 49 groszy altho im not really sure that matters LOL!!! and i rilly rilly hope thats enuff money to get my dads lone finnished.

thanks for all UR help and lotsa love,

oksan@ b@lsach

A few notes:
(i) A groszy is, according to Wikipedia, a subdivision of a zloty. I guess it’s probably equivalent to our pennies. Zlotys and groszys – man, who knew Polish currency could be so much fun?
(ii) Calling up a bank and asking them for more money reminds me of “The Young Ones” routine where the guys wrote a letter to a bank manager that read “Give me more money, you bastard.”
(iii) Notice when I said Oksana had gathered up 3,491 zlotys? When payment time came, I was planning on Oksana having typoed the amount and would really only have 3,419 zlotys to send. 419 zlotys. (Now, where have I seen that number before?)

Date: August 23, 2014
Subject: As soon as you have send this payment today, so i will kindly want you to email us with the information that is list below:

Hello oksan@ b@lsach we got your mail ,

We do want you to know that we understand all you have said we want you to go and make the payment of only 3,000 ZL by tomorrow morning with the western union details below and sure that you get back to us after making the payment sent the information is needed after make the payment of 3,000 ZL ok. we will do all we can to help you get the loan for your dad finally and i tell you that your dad will be very happy for you we will be waiting for the payment information's to pick it up ok.

WESTERN UNION PAYMENT INFORMATION.

Receiver's name: Uyigue Helen
Country: Nigeria
STATE: EDO STATE
Question text: When
Text Answer: Now
Amount to send: 3,000 zl

As soon as you have send this payment today, so i will kindly want
you to email us with the information that is list below:

Senders Name:
Country:
State:
City:
M.T.C.N Number:

Mr. Harry.

How nice! He’s only asking for 3000 zlotys and is leaving me with 419 zlotys (and 49 groszys). (Now, if I could just remember where I’ve seen that number before…)

And, as much as I hate to leave y’all hanging, I think I’m going to have to end my publication of the bait for a while. We’re getting pretty close to the present day and I’ve just thrown the lads another curve ball that *really* has them scrambling.

Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:15 pm

This bait is hilarous TLH! Who knew you could play a 16 year old girl so well? Damn Big Boobed boyfriend stealing Weronika!

Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2014 2:56 am

^^ Thanks, SBAH! Yeah, I'm not quite sure where our girl Oxy is coming from but I think I might need some therapy once I finish this bait.

And (as a "Coming Attractions" teaser) don't worry -- this isn't the last we've heard of Weronika...

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 06 Sep 2014 Posts: 8

TLH, thank you for the entertaining thread. Even better for a noob like me are your comments on your mistakes such as introducing zombie pigs. What a difference it made when your mentor helped. Hat's off, and you almost have half an hourglass! Good luck.

Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2014 12:06 am

^^ Thank you, Cornblower. Although I truly believe that Otterfan set the gold standard for documenting a bait, I'm certainly glad to have helped you to avoid my mistakes.

Welcome aboard! (And, if you have not yet signed up for the mentor program, do it. It's worth it.)

Master Baiter Joined: 30 May 2013 Posts: 145

Excellent work! The 'Harry' character is awesome. I can even hear the Borat-ish Eastern European accent as I'm reading. Thanks for the laugh!

Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 8:01 pm

Thank you, Hodor! I'm having an absolute blast with these guys and I'm glad lots of other folks seem to be enjoying it as well.

There have been some great developments in the past few weeks, so I'm going to try to format my emails and update this thread sometime over the upcoming weekend.

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 3:25 pm

I’ve just realized that I’m celebrating my six-month anniversary with these chuckleheads, and am now officially halfway to a sand timer, so I pretty much have to publish more of the ongoing saga of Oxy and the loan lad. And, since things have been running pretty smoothly for a while, I guess it’s time to throw another roadblock in front of my lads’ plans. And, what better way to do that than to re-introduce an old friend? (Or, should I say, “frend”?)

Date: August 25, 2014
Subject: questions on lone payment

dear proffessor harry

im sorry 2 bother U but ive got a quick questions on my dads lone. lik i told U, my uncle bilo told me 2 tak over my dads bizness and 2 deal with the emales he gits.

anyways just a day or 2 ago i got an emale from a man named Jean Pierre Pascale who told me that my dad had a lone with him. i no that my dad has a lone with U but i didnt no he also had a lone with Mister Pascale. do U have any idea why my dad wood have a lone with 2 different peeple?

thanks for all UR advise (and lotsa love)!

oksan@ b@lsach

Date: August 25, 2014
Subject: Await your next mail

Hello oksan@ b@lsach we got your mail,

We understand all you have said oksan@ b@lsach you should know now
that you dad did not tell you anything about the Jean Pierre Pascale
then you know that day are after you because nobody named Jean Pierre
Pascale as a registered loan lender in Nigeria your dad told us before
that he did not have ask anybody for loan that is why this company
approved to offer your dad the loan from the company well what you
should do now oksana do not answer to the email of the lender that
called Jean Pierre Pascale ok...

Have you make the payment of the 3,000 Zl send with the western
union information I send to you ?? We do want you to get back to us if
any question you need answer also try and make the payment sent so the
loan funds will reflect at once in your dad account ok.

Thanks.

Mr. Harry.

I received two copies of this email, and I consider it a pretty big win. Not only did I get the lad worried about “mister piere” but he also is starting to use pidgin in his emails (“you know that day are after you”). Time to tighten the screws a bit…

August 26, 2014

dear proffessor harry

i no U R rilly smart and ive lerned to all ways listen to U but mister pascale seems lik a rilly nice man. i dont no if mister pascale is from nigiria but he did no all about my dad. he new R address and he new R town and he new R postal code and he new about my dads pigs and he even new my dads birth day.

then wen i told mister pascale that i was all ready getting a lone for my dad he asked me how much i was paying in lone fees and when i told him it was 6.000 zlotys he laffed and told me that was way too much and that he wood give me the lone for only 2.000 zlotys.

i just dont no what to do and im hoping U can help me with this proffessor!!!

lotsa love (even tho im rilly confused...)

oksan@ b@lsach

August 27, 2014

Hello we got your mail and understand all what you have said,

oksan@ b@lsach I do not know how am going to explain this to you right now I just confirm from the Efcc of Nigeria and inform that mister pascale is a scammer in Nigeria also he scam on old woman 3000 dollars mister pascale is after your dad money that is why he know all those inform about your dad because he want to rip you off if you most know not everyone in nigeria giving loans is real some are fake because day are a scammer looking for who to rip his money I say why did mister pascale never email ever since but now that you want to make this last payment and get your dad loan finally this loan you are talking about has already approved in this company is you make this fee sent with the western union I send to you before the loan funds will get to your dad account at once...

oksan@ b@lsach my daughter I will like to advice you as my daughter and friend I understand that you do not really know what to do because of Mister pascale that called his self a loan lender you dad never told us about the pascale because already this company have stamp is to offer your dad the loan pascale knows about your dad pig because your dad is nice man and looking for a loan before online so maybe that where he get those information about your dad from oksana palscale you gave nothing to worry about all we do want you to do now stop receiving email from that scammer that called he self palscale his not a real loan lender is nigeria and his not registered we want you to at fast today and make the payment sent for the loan funds do not inform anyone about both of us because we are going to make your dad be so happy for you because at once the fee is confirm the loan will get to your dad account ok.

Note: Do not email nor receive any of the palscale email anymore so that day will be no problem when you are receiving the loan ok. Day will only rip you off the 2,000 zl and you will never see any loan from him also the Efcc is after them for the rip of one woman 3.000 dollars last week be where

Thanks.

Mr. Harry.

I have no pithy comments about this stream-of-consciousness gibberish, except to note that every single word of it is awesome. BTW, I received two copies of this email.

August 28, 2014

dear proffessor harry

omigod thanks sooooooo much for your help. i didnt no that mister pascale was a scamer who wasn't even rejistered by the efcc. why are these peeple aloud to keep opperating? doesn't the nigirian govern ment do any thing to stop these scamers?

anyways sins U R so smart and U no so much about banking and about these nigirian scamers and about every thing els how can i tell if my dad was dealing with any other scamers? now that ive had to tak over my dads buisness i want to mak sure that i do every thing rite and that i dont get ripped of. i mean, i rilly love my dad but (if you dont mind me saying) hes not all ways carefull of who he deels with.

anyways please please please tell me how i can tell who is a scamer and who isnt.

thanx again for all of your help proffessor!!!

lotsa love

oksan@ b@lsach

Noooo, Harry is not at all careful with whom he deals. I think we figured that out long ago.

August 28, 2014

Hello oksan@ b@lsach we got your mail,

This is the scam email : [email protected] we want you to try every much well to stop receiving any email also your dad will be very much happy for you if you can stand and get the loan funds, the efcc of Nigeria is looking for those scam very soon day will put in jail for what day did not people of the word we do not want you to full for them so oksan@ b@lsach this company have promise to offer your dad the loan funds what we want you to do right now is for you to try and make the payment of 3,000zl sent today for the processed of your dad loan funds will be done on time for you t get it at once in your account the company we also inform the efcc of Nigeria about this ok have nothing to worry about because from now you and your dad will be happy all you need to do now make the payment sent and get back to us at once ok.

Not only did I receive two copies of this email but, then, about 23 minutes later, the following gem appeared in my mailbox.

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 3:25 pm

Date: August 28, 2014
Subject: Note ; This email is scam this warning is from the EFCC of Nigeria
From: [email protected]

Note ; This email is scam this warning is from the EFCC of Nigeria

[email protected]

This is not an registered loan lender .

Well, *this* makes perfect sense. I mean, don’t all consumer fraud agencies warning consumers of scams send out emails about specific scammers to individual victims? Naaaah. Nothing at all suspicious about this, folks.

Seriously, though, I’m a bit ambivalent about this email. On one hand, I’m kind of insulted that my lad holds my intelligence in such low regard that he thinks I would actually buy this load of baloney but, on the other hand, if he’s going to put this much work into keeping me involved in the scam, it shows me that I’ve really got him hooked and that he has absolutely no idea that I’m a baiter.

Either way, even though I already had some thoughts as to where I wanted to take this modality, this EFCC email gave me an idea for a plan that (to quote Edmund Blackadder) is so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. As I write this, I have no idea if I’m going to be able to pull off this stunt but, if I can, I will be able to cause 2x, maybe 3x, serious lad pain.

But, first things first, let’s open up some correspondence with my new pen pal…

August 31, 2014

dear mister lamorde,

do i no U?

i mean i apreshiate the informaton but i dont rilly no who U R. like all i know U as is some guy who emaild me like out of nowhere.

anyways i just dont no much about this efcc of nigiria so do U have like a website or something that i can look at?

thank you

oksan@ b@lsach

August 31, 2014

Hello we got your mail, we do want you to know that we do not have
much time you really need to be careful with that email address

September 1, 2014

dear mister lamorde,

im sorry if i insulted U but its just that i dont no U. altho i apreshiate the information, how did U no to emale me about mister pascale?

thank you

oksan@ b@lsach

I haven’t received anything worthwhile so far but that’s sort of to be expected. After all, since it’s possible that the lad set up this email address just for me, he’s probably not monitoring it all that frequently. Time to do some butt-kissing and stall a bit with the loan lad character.

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