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 HELL SAFARI – Edo State, Nigeria - Ghana, Benin & Kano

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Jimmy Fisher
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 31 Jul 2011
Posts: 45


PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2011 9:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Is it me or does Kelvin seems a bit slimmer than when we last saw him? Twisted Evil

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The Monsignor
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Joined: 08 Nov 2006
Posts: 3221
Location: St Michael's Chapel


PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 11:41 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The big man slit open another Christmas card. This one was from the local Sheriff. Oscar Shyster glanced through the handwritten message inside it, and then put it up on the wall with all of the others. He walked over to his office window and deep in thought, looked down at the tiny specks of people walking along the street below: ‘Five Thousand Dollars and this Nigerian doesn’t seem to want it. Five Thousand. Unbelievable! Why wouldn’t the African meet him and Steve in Abuja? It was almost as if AllStar had done him some sort of wrong’.

Oscar returned to his PC, resolving to try one last time.


’i still insist is that am not ready and willing to travel for the fourth time again’

“...so you take the money and feed your family, OK?”

“No, no, no! Mr Salami has already took his share, so why don’t you have your share?”




Dear Readers,

In your last update, Kelvin asked Steve Attar to call him back in a day or 2, to allow him time to consider Steve’s request for him to travel to Abuja to collect his $5000 USD compensation in cash. Here is the aftermath.

Enjoy!



Back at his PC, Oscar gives his blessing to the Abuja collection:
Quote:
I have now left authority with Mr. Attar

Dear Mr. Kelvin,

I heard from Mr. Attar a few hours ago, after his call to you. I transferred the sum of $5000 USD to the AllStar West Africa bank account a few days ago, as I cannot risk carrying such a large sum of cash through a Nigerian airport. Steve now advises me that he will prefer to deal with you directly.

I am comfortable with this for 2 reasons. Mr. Attar's reputation in the company is unblemished; my recent investigations confirmed that he is a man of complete integrity. Secondly, it means that I will not have to travel to Africa so close to Christmas. I can inspect the offices in Abuja with Mr. Attar in January.

Therefore, Mr. Attar has direct and unfettered access to your funds and has my personal approval to hand over the $5000 USD to you in Abuja, on 19 or 20 December. You will need to sign a disclaimer, certifying that you waive any rights to sue AllStar for the actions of the staffs now dismissed (Salami, Sanda, andMbayo).

I wish you and your family a Very Happy Christmas and Successful New Year 2012.

Best,


Oscar Shyster
Head of Security
AllStar Worldwide Shipping


Kelvin comes up with a dodgy bank account, based in the USA (promptly reported):
Quote:
SEND MONEY VIA BROTHER BANK ACCOUNT ........NEVER AGIN TO ABUJA TO MEET YOU

Mr.Oscar,

I understood all what you said but i still insist that am not ready for any reason to travel again for fourth times OK.

If really your company is ready and willing to grant my money back then send the money to my brother bank account in U.S.A so then i can successfully regains back my money ok.

If these cannot be done for me because i cannot guarantee and assured you that i will be again travel down to Abuja to meet any of your staff or manager NEVER.

If actually you all i willing to remit back my money then send money to my blood brother in USA via bank account so then i can receive my money since you refuse to remit back money via western union meanwhile my sender for long has been using this medium of western union/money gram to send me money but just these few months that he decided to use your company for shipping i result to have encounter a lot of problems with my money OK.

Mr.Oscar,As you can see am not quiet happy with your policy but not when exactly things of this nature happens due to your unreliable staff that result to loss of my missing consignment but nevertheless i want you to be rest assures that if my money cannot be send accoss my brother bank account rather to get myself again to Abuja then i MUST tell you to go ahead with the money and feed your family.

regards
Mr.Alex


Oscar refuses...
Quote:
HAPPY TO MEET
Dear Mr. Kelvin,

Thank you for your email. I regret to repeat that AllStar does not use Western Union, MoneyGram, or Bank Transfers to Africa. In some parts of West Africa, if you make an online transfer, your money simply disappears. It is not company policy and I am afraid that nor you nor I may change that.

I am now definitely coming to meet with Steve Attar 19/20 Dec, to view his suggested new office sites. I need to know whether to bring your $5000 USD cash. Otherwise, the only alternative is for you to collect in person from me in Dallas, Texas, in the New Year. If you would like to do that, I'd be happy to meet you at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

Looking forward to meeting with you.

Best,

Oscar

Oscar Shyster
Head of Security
AllStar Worldwide Shipping


...and Kelvin simply resends his above e.mail. Oscar is dismissive...
Quote:
FROM OSCAR SHYSTER
Dear Mr. Kelvin,

I was surprised to read the contents of your e.mail. I really believed that you and Steve would resolve this matter in Abuja.

Steve cannot come to Ekpoma. Here are the reasons:

1. Steve is a (Temporary) Regional Manager. He is not a lowly-paid Driver.

2. Steve has no Drivers working for him directly. These report to the Deputy Manager of the Nigeria Mail Hub in Kano.

3. The company is working in your favor, and has agreed a sum of Five Thousand US Dollars. I have to say that it is a bit cheeky to also expect us to deliver the money to your door!

Steve is available to meet you on Mon or Tue next week. I personally have authorized the dates and the handover. It will be just Steve you meet, probably at the Sheraton Abuja, a well-known public place, easily located. He has the cash.

Ultimately, if you will not collect your cash, the only thing we can do is donate it to the annual charity currently supported by AllStar. In 2012 it will be the President George W Bush Haiti Fund.

I urge you to do what is right and sensible, whilst you still can. Collect your $5000 USD from Steve.

Best,

Oscar Shyster
Head of Security
AllStar Worldwide Shipping


Is Kelvin bluffing, or will he really never travel again?
Quote:
ODER MR.ATTAR TO GET HERE EDO STATE

Dear Mr.Oscar Shyster

I want you to understand that i received your mail lately today ok.
so all i still insist is that am not ready and willing to travel for the fourth time again to Abuja in meet of your manager,all i want you to do now is to either inform Mr.Attar to get his trip flirt down to Edo State from Abuja to hand over the compensation money $5000usd with the disclaimer form asap.

This is because i really understood all your concerns and effort in handling this issued and i will be much more happy if this request can also be granted due to the high risk of traveling during this Xmas period and i thinks traveling of your manager down to my State will do more help towards the collection of this consignment.

Thanks and await your urgent response.
Mr.Alex


Oscar calls his bluff and throws in a scare-story...
Quote:
From Oscar -001 and Salami are Active

Dear Mr. Kelvin,

I was disappointed to read your e.mail, but it is entirely your choice. We will donate the monies to charity in 2012.

To warn you that Salami and the rascal Randy 001 are afoot. Steve recently received a call from Mr. Salami, who had the audacity to try to bribe him to give half of your $5000 compensation to Mr. 001, and then pretend to AllStar that he thought 001 was you!

Obviously, Steve refused and hung up the call. It appears that Salami found out about your $5000 USD from Mr. Orji at the Kano Mail Hub, who Salami has known for some time.


My best wishes to you and your family this festive season.

Oscar Shyster
Head of Security
AllStar Worldwide Shipping


Steve calls Kelvin again, who is at home for Christmas. His attitude has audibly hardened. As Kelvin answers, you can hear him telling a family member that “This is those DHL”.

http://www.4shared.com/mp3/28Lh-Lmq/AttrtoKe1vin16Dec11_-_Edit.html


...and finally. As Kelvin sits at home at Christmas, surrounded by debt from his 3 Safaris and with a debt collector on his back and an angry wife and disappointed family, he cannot see things getting any worse. Until... beep-beep, an email is delivered to his phone. “...dis...Mbayo” he mouths to himself. It couldn’t be... not from Mbayo. It was.
Quote:
dis mbayo

guyman, my famili tank u 4 all gift dis xmas. all hav good ting i buy wid yr moni frm salmai, lik mi wife hav nu dress an turban. broda get di wisky americain, fada hav box cigar. i drink plenti beer an buy nu rifle for hunt.

i here in congo 4 nu yr 2012.u mak dis xmas bes eva 4 mi famili, so i tank u, guyman.


Mbayo


Alex turned off his phone, went into his bedroom, sat on his bed, put his face in his hands, and silently wept with frustration.


Image
Kelvin Swerves...


Last edited by The Monsignor on Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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deadk1ng
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Joined: 24 Oct 2011
Posts: 557
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:06 am Reply with quoteBack to top

TM...you should write a thesis on Lad psychology and how to exploit it

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BearSeason
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Joined: 19 Jun 2011
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:09 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
It was almost as if [email protected] had done him some sort of wrong’.


This made me spray water. Smile

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U 2 go fuck yourself ! I don't need the money and stop emailing me please / BASTARD!!!! / fuck ur family
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Jimmy Fisher
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Joined: 31 Jul 2011
Posts: 45


PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:44 am Reply with quoteBack to top

If he wants to stop the debt collector, he should get some help from Abuja in the form of pai..$5000 Very Happy

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okey better fine another person.okosisi you try you don see Nigeria person way mumu two time?lolx Bad man wait i go stilkill you die.mumu -J3m5 m4rk
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SlapHappy
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Posts: 9612
Location: Floating up and down with happiness.


PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 4:14 am Reply with quoteBack to top

That was awful nice of Mr. Kelvin to donate his money to charity. I think a thank you letter from the chosen charity would be in order. Very Happy
An uplifting result to the 4th Safari Attempt!

Somehow, though, I have this nagging feeling that it won't be over till the fat lady sings. And I don't hear nothing! Laughing

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BCS8
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Joined: 14 Oct 2011
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 7:30 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Monsignor, it is as if you have created a mirror universe for this Alex to wander about in. Its obvious that you're totally into it. The characters are so believable that it seems absurd to dismiss them as figments of the imagination. No wonder this sap never had a chance. You should really write something "for real" someday, it is clear that you have a talent in this regard. A book, or something. BTW, that GWB charity cause was a deft touch. Wink
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The Monsignor
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Joined: 08 Nov 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

BCS8 wrote:
Monsignor, it is as if you have created a mirror universe for this Alex to wander about in.....The characters are so believable that it seems absurd to dismiss them as figments of the imagination.

...But they are real....................... aren't they? crying
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DirtyGeezer
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Yeah, but Alex has sadly lost his faith...

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The Monsignor
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 4:43 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^ We shall see...

Well, it's now been over one year. Yes, my old pal Alex and his alterego Randy have earned me a sandtimer. It's been a long ride on the 419 helter skelter and our journey continues.

Quote:
Return-Path: <[email protected]>
Received: from compute5.internal (compute5.nyi.mail.srv.osa [10.202.2.45])
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Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: Tue, 10 Jan 2012 03:59:57 -0800 (PST)
From: Alex Ke1vin <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: XXXXX CLAIM
To: [email protected]
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send the form asap

(I will, my old friend, I will).Idea
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Benjamin_Franklin
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 5:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I hope [email protected] is thoughtful enough to get him out of the turbulent environment that is Nigeria. Perhaps an all expenses paid getaway to a stable country? Certainly he deserves a vacation after all of the hard times he's experienced.

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vonpaso xlura
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 7:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

To get to a stable country, you have to go on horseback.

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you are a fake people so do not ever write to me again.
Am mad at you right now ... Am tired of your questions ... Am sick and tire you and your bank
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Jimmy Fisher
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 7:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Badumtss...

*applause*

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okey better fine another person.okosisi you try you don see Nigeria person way mumu two time?lolx Bad man wait i go stilkill you die.mumu -J3m5 m4rk
I am dog -5ar1n4 g0dw1ll
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The Monsignor
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 11:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Fully dressed, Alex Kelvin lay on his bed, deep in thought. His right hand held an unsmoked cigarette, which slowly smouldered away. AllStar had at last called his bluff.

How would he get out of this?


”No, Sir with all due respect I don’t give out my (bank) information out for people like that”

“So why don’t you people use...open up your number and call me, instead of using unknown hiding number. That’s one thing that baffles me a lot”.

“Sir, Sir, I understand, I have been told all this before. I have been told all this before. So, with what your company management members called me and telled me, sometimes e.mailed me, your guarantee and assurance was what kept me up to 2 weeks in the street in Parakou, Benin Republic. Because that’s a really hell undergo that can never and never be wipe away from my memory, because I really suffered a lot more than what I bargain and expect for. I didn’t plan for that. So, too, even at the Kano incident, I really don’t know who called me with an unknown number again that said he is Mr Salami, telling me all sorts of rubbish. Telling me all sorts of different and different things that me I was really shocked to hear”

“Mr Oscar, you know what, I have spent a lot on this transaction.....I have spent a lot”.




Dear Readers,

Since his third Safari to Kano, Kelvin has been insisting that AllStar transfer his $5000 USD via bank transfer, knowing that this is always refused in favour of a face to face collection in Abuja. With Kelvin refusing to travel and AllStar refusing the bank transfer option, this leaves Kelvin to push for the ‘only remaining option’ of Western Union.

Well, Oscar Shyster has called his bluff! AllStar will pay the cash into Kelvin’s bank account. He just has to provide us with his bank details. How will Kelvin react? Let’s see...

My grateful thanks to A Skinner for continuing to so credibly play Oscar Shyster, and to Dr Mike for his valuable behind-the-scenes support.

Enjoy!



Sat in his Texas office, Oscar Shyster reclines in his high back leather Executive chair, heaves his cowboy boots up onto his mahogany desk and lights a cheroot. Exhaling smoke impatiently, he picks up the phone and calls Kelvin:
http://www.4shared.com/mp3/tC_ZzUlw/ShystertoKe1vin18Jan12_edit_.html


'Well, now!' thought Oscar, replacing his handset. What a turn up! The Nigerian had at last agreed to give out his personal bank details. The matter could be settled! At last!

Oscar fired off an email:

Quote:
Dear Mr. Kelvin,

Happy New Year! I wish you a successful and prosperous 2012.
Further to our telephone call a few minutes ago, please forward me the full details to transfer your $5000 USD into your personal Nigerian bank account.

It is essential that we move on this without further delay. When I meet with Steve, I will collect the $5000 USD cash he currently holds and bank it.


Oscar Shyster
Head of Security
AllStar Worldwide Shipping


Well, Kelvin’s bluff had been well and truly called. How did he react? Here you go:
Quote:
Await to hear from you soonest or likewise call me today once you get this mail.

Sir,

Thanks for your call .

So when are you coming to Nigeria? meanwhile my personal account cannot be release for security purpose so i will prefer money 5,000usd remit via western union Ok.

Await to hear from you soonest or likewise call me today once you get this mail.
Thanks.
Mr.Alex


Oscar finds Kelvin’s overnight change of mind inexplicable. Seriously weary of his bull***t, Oscar wearily calls Kelvin once again: http://www.4shared.com/mp3/8D0Ou7kL/ShystertoKe1vin19Jan12_edit_.html



Well readers, there it is. Hard to understand Kelvin’s current unwillingness to further explore the true majesty of West Africa.


Disappointing.

But a fiendish plan is developing.....

More later.



Image
Kelvin in Happier Times...


Last edited by The Monsignor on Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:31 am; edited 2 times in total
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Dynamitedan
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:03 am Reply with quoteBack to top

This is truly amazing work.

wow kudos Monsignor.
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Dya Reyarunen-Downmeleg
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:47 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
But a fiendish plan is developing.....


Yee Haw! I can't wait to read more, The Monsignor!!!
Very Happy

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so as to enable the conclusion of this transaction on your behalf since you are not dead because if you are dead you would not have write me because I know that never will a dead
write to living...
I could receive the document official which you want to forward me for adhesion with [email protected]
I am captivated, impressed and hypnotised with your sincerity
This you’re [email protected] has it existed some how somewhere before?
Your ASSCODE is: 999-035-2655



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Steward, WTF?



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deadk1ng
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

excellent

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Kariko
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:50 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

HELL SAFARI: Replies 666 Shocked

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Nailgunner
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 May 2008
Posts: 8727
Location: ̢̝̣̳̗ͅş̱̖̹͉̬̣̖h̷̗͉̘̱͍̗ͅr͉̙̖̥͡_̛i̦̞n̷͉͈̺̪̯̹E̸͎̫̭̞̙ͅ


PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Do tell, good sir! I await with interest Twisted Evil

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BearSeason
Elite Baiter


Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Posts: 1066


PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2012 11:15 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Brilliant job with calling Kelvin's bluff, Monsignor. I always knew lads would make terrible poker players.

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SlapHappy
Baiting Guru


Joined: 15 May 2006
Posts: 9612
Location: Floating up and down with happiness.


PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Congratulations on the one-year anniversary sand timer, TM! Very Happy
That is a great milestone. I'm looking forward to the continuing adventures of Mr. Kelvin. Very Happy clapping Thumbs up

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The Monsignor
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Joined: 08 Nov 2006
Posts: 3221
Location: St Michael's Chapel


PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:29 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^ Thanks all for your kind comments. Unseen work continues. Updates will appear when worth bringing to you.


Update: Thu 26 Jan am: Salami called Kelvin last night with a most audacious 'offer'. Kelvin's reaction at the end of the call was both unexpected and absolutely priceless! We (Dr Mike, subway1 and me) were all in stitches afterwards. I banged the back of my head on the wall through laughing Laughing

Kelvin's call quality was poor, so I will do what I can over the next few days to improve the audio quality before posting it. Expect the update over this coming weekend.
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deadk1ng
Underboss


Joined: 24 Oct 2011
Posts: 557
Location: Gulf Coast U.S.A


PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:21 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^ great...now I can not make any plans with my wife because I dont want to miss this update...

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SlapHappy
Baiting Guru


Joined: 15 May 2006
Posts: 9612
Location: Floating up and down with happiness.


PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:26 am Reply with quoteBack to top

banghead banghead banghead I'm gonna be busy this weekend, do I'll get my head-banging done now. Very Happy
Can't wait!

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BRUIN
Baiting Guru


Joined: 10 Apr 2006
Posts: 11019
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow


PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 3:36 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Monsignor...the only thing I can say is "WOW". This is truly one of the greatest baits ever.

Bruin

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