HELL SAFARI – Edo State, Nigeria - Ghana, Benin & Kano

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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 4:57 am

I want to add my name to those applauding TM and everyone else that worked on this Very Happy

Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:07 am

who wouldnt spend the money to drink beer

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:21 am

Amazing

what a nice detailed description of his adventure Laughing

Much Kudos Cool

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 14 Oct 2011 Posts: 18

Sweeeet. You managed to hook him again. Laughing

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 669

My goodness! I expected K-man would go through a cooling off period for a few months, and then one day TM would receive an email from him. Go get 'em TM! Smile

Not quite a Newb Joined: 25 Oct 2006 Posts: 52

A masterpiece, congrats!!!!!

Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 10:11 pm

Update Tomorrow.

Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 10:18 pm

I can't wait...that will make an excellent Christmas gift.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jun 2011 Posts: 1066

Monsignor, you big tease. A Christmas gift for Eater?

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 5:05 am

Tomorrow I will check this thread before I open my presents. Cool

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 9:41 pm

@TM......(fingers tapping).......well??? The world awaits.

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 9:52 pm

Hurry up santa

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:48 pm

we been had guys lol

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:50 pm

What nOoooooooo this isn't April 1st

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:51 pm

Patience, Grasshoppers.....Patience..... Wink

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:53 pm

But I NEED it nooowwwww....HELL SAFARI = CRACK

Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2011 11:02 pm

Taps fingers, jitters, waits ...

Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2011 12:49 am

Steve Attar leant back in his office chair and looked out of what had until recently been Mr Ogbonna’s home office window. No wonder the big man had keeled over, he was heavily obese. It would only be a matter of time before his widow asked AllStar to move its Regional Manager operation out of her home.

Steve wanted Ogbonna’s job. Badly. He hated Kano. AllStar had moved him there for 2 reasons; he was African (well, Moroccan, but that qualified) and he was Muslim. A white Christian might not have lasted very long up there. Abuja was a much more orderly city; neat and attractive. Steve liked it here

He also knew that Brian Stalin, the AllStar trouble-shooter presently in Benin, also wanted the job. Stalin had already built up much kudos with the company; he had taken over the Egyptian Mail Hub during the uprisings there and rebuilt it afterwards. He had taken over the Benin operation from the renegade Salami and relocated it to Djougou (where Kelvin and his bike taxi driver Kofi spent an unenjoyable night, sleeping in the sports stadium!). Stalin was head and shoulders above Steve in the promotion stakes.

That said, Steve had one chance, one way of convincing Ed Robins that he was indeed the man for the job. If.........if only, he could resolve this Alex Kelvin issue, he would stand a good chance of being promoted into the job at interview in the spring.

The problem was this Kelvin. He was seemingly refusing to travel to Abuja to collect his compensation. Steve had emailed but never spoken with him. Steve drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair. It was time that changed.....

BROTHERS: “Kelvin, we are both brothers, we are both Africans, so you can trust me”

“Mr Shyster is taking care of everything this time”

“You have my full guarantee as my brother that this time, everything will go according to plan”

“Actually, you are the reason that I went to Kano”

“Yes! I know! I need my money! I travelled to Ghana and also to Benin Republic. You know what it cost me, using my own personal money, to travel up and down...and then down to Kano and the same thing”

“I need this money for my upkeep and for my school fees and for my Christmas needs”

Dear Readers,

Quite a bit has happened during the 3 weeks since the last Update. Oscar Shyster has concluded his investigations into the thefts at AllStar. Kelvin has changed his mind back and forth about travelling to Abuja to collect his $5000 USD compensation from Shyster and Attar. The Monsignor has flatly refused to send Kelvin any more money.

The plot continues to thicken...

Enjoy!

Quote:

Dear Mr. Kelvin,

I have now concluded my investigation. During the past few weeks, I have examined staff email accounts and mobile phone records. I have also interviewed some staff, either face to face or over the phone.

I have made a full report to my CEO, and I append below some relevant information for you. I ask you to keep this in confidence.

Mr. Attar. Mr. Attar has been cleared of any misconduct.

The Monsignor. The Monsignor has been cleared of any involvement in the theft of any of your consignments.

Mr. Orji. Mr. Orji has been cleared of any misconduct.

Mr. Robins. Mr. Robins has been cleared of any misconduct.

Mr. Salami. Mr. Salami has been found to have stolen your Kano consignment. Since he left Kano, Mr. Salami has gone missing. The Benin Police has been alerted to this and is on the lookout for him. Knowing how the Police tend to operate in Africa, I do not expect him to be found.

Mr. Sanda. Mr. Sanda has been found to have stolen or assisted in the theft of your Ghana consignment. The Temporary AllStar West Africa Regional Manager (Mr. Attar) visited the Ghana Mail Hub yesterday (Tuesday) and dismissed Mr. Sanda. His Deputy is now temporarily in charge.

Mr. Stalin. Mr. Stalin has been cleared of any misconduct.

Mr. Mbayo. Mr. Mbayo has been found to have been complicit in the theft of your Kano consignment. Since he no longer works for AllStar, there is little that the company can do, other than report it to the Benin Police, which has now been done.

Third Party in Nigeria. I have found that there exists a male third party who has been involved in the thefts of both the Ghana and Nigeria consignments. The personal information I have for him is sparse. However, according to intelligence gathered from emails and texts between him and both Salami and Sanda, he is currently based in Lagos, Nigeria and goes by various names, inclading ‘Randy 001’, and ‘Umaru’.

I will now cover some of your personal concerns.

1. You were convinced that Mr. Robins had been involved, due to his responsibility for the Mail Hub Managers. Mr. Robins is actually not responsible for any AllStar staff, except his customer service team here in Texas. The reason that he went to Benin was because it was a customer service matter. He was given temporary authority to deal with Mr. Salami because the Regional Manager (Mr. Ogbonna) had been ill for some time and was considered unfit to travel to Benin and cope with the harsh climate and environment there. I have examined all of Mr. Robin’s emails, SMS messages, and his incoming and outgoing calls list. In addition, I have checked his bank account. I have no reason to suspect that he has been complicit in any of these recent wrongdoings committed by AllStar staffs in West Africa.

2. You have criticised the locations and lack of telephone numbers for AllStar Mail Hubs. This is deliberate, and I will briefly explain. Firstly, AllStar undercuts all of its rivals (ie, DHL, FedEx, etc) on price, since it does not have groups of customer service staff answering telephones. Instead, we use Live Chat and email. Secondly, it is deliberate that all AllStar Mail Hubs in Africa are located in hard to find locations. This is for security. At any one time, there may be $30 000 USD value of parcels in a Mail Hub overnight. This makes these buildings a prime target for thieves. Keeping them out of the way reduces the instances of opportune theft. I know, as I am personally responsible for approving the proposed locations of all new or relocated AllStar Mail Hubs.

3. You have asked what has happened to your money. I now know that your Ghana consignment was split between Mr. Sanda and this ‘Umaru’. In turn, your Nigeria consignment was split between Mr. Salami, Mr. Mbayo, and ‘Umaru’.

4. AllStar is going to replace your monies. However, I need to emphasise that this only concerns ‘AllStar’ monies, ie, the $3000 USD compensation and the $84 000 CFA. The £350 GBP from Ghana and the £1000 GBP from Nigeria were consignments and your Sender needs to start the claims process with our insurer in the country of origin, ie, UK. I must warn you that this process involves much form-filling by both the Sender and the Receiver, and is likely to take about 90 days.

5. When we spoke on the phone, you agreed to e.mail me within 24 hours with an estimate of compensation required. Since almost a week on I have not heard from you, I have assumed that you are satisfied with what has already been agreed. This has been converted into one sum in USD, which is $3I72 USD.

6. There now remains the matter of getting the monies to you. I have a solution, which I feel sure will prove acceptable to you. Currently, Mr. Ogbonna’s widow is allowing Steve Attar to continue working from Mr. Ogbonna’s former home office. However, we realise that this will eventually come to an end. Therefore, Mr. Attar has been scouting around Abuja for suitable locations for a small office for the Regional Manager. He has 4 proposed locations for me to come and vet. What I propose to do is bring your cash with me and hand it to you personally.

7. I fully realise your earlier difficulties in collecting goods from AllStar Mail Hubs. Therefore, I would meet you at a large, well-known, 5-Star hotel in the city, at a mutually agreeable time. I suggest the Sheraton Abuja. I would also make available to you a contact phone number for us. There will be no need to e.mail or wander about the streets with a photo. You simply come to the hotel, meet me in the lobby, and I will pass you your money. I hope that you will stay for lunch with me. Steve will be driving me around. As a fair-skinned white American, my personal security would be at great risk in your country, so I must take all necessary precautions for my physical safety. Therefore, my travelling outside of your capital city would not be practicable.

8. I have valid Business Visas for much of West Africa and therefore, the only thing I now have to do is agree a date with you and book my flight. With the long Christmas/New Year break almost upon us, my diary is limited. However, I can meet you on either Monday 19 or Tuesday 20 December, at virtually any time.

What I need you to do now is confirm which date is best for you, and I will have our travel clerk book my flights.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,

Oscar Shyster
Head of Security
AllStar Shipping

Kelvin bucks and kicks:

Quote:

I CANNOT MOVE FOR 4TIMES AGAIN.....MONEY SENT TO ME VIA WESTERN UNION OR BANK ACCOUNT

Dear Mr.Oscar.

In regards to your mail,i want you to know and understand that it was well understood but the matter of me again moving from my home to anywhere is really out of my approval.

I will not move an inch from my house again to look and locate allstars office for my packages four Good times.

If your company agreed and wish to pay back my money then i send my bank account to you and make the transfer into ASAP this week because as you can see Xmas is all around the corner and i need my money for the Xmas celebration.

Or likewise send my money via western union .

Await your urgent response.
Thanks
Mr.Alex Kelvin

Kelvin then responds to Oscars’ request in his phone call (see last Update) for Kelvin to name his price, ie, how much compensation AllStar should pay him. He is a greedy boy!

Quote:

Mr.Oscar.

Thanks for mails and the phone call yesterday.
All i want you to help me is to try all possible best to ensures your company send me my money via western union.

The total money to compensate me for my missing consignment is $7000USD which will be remit to me by western union money transfer via my below information.
RECEIVER NAME.....ALEX KELVIN
ADDRESS.....XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
STATE.....XXXXX
COUNTRY.....NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION....WHO IS GREAT
TEXT ANSWER......GOD
AMOUNT.......$7000USD
MTCN.........

So once this is been done ,i required to get back to me with the below information to enable me pick/confirm the payment money.

SENDER NAME.......
STATE.......
ADDRESS.........
COUNTRY.......
MTCN.......

Thanks and await your urgent respond.
Mr.Alex Kelvin

$7000, and by Western Union? Ludicrous! Oscar's having none of it...

Quote:

Dear Mr. Kelvin,

I apologise for this, but I have only just discovered that your e.mails have been going into my Spam folder. There were 9 in there!

I see that you have requested $7000 USD as compensation. Since the e.mail oversight was my fault, I will exceptionally reconsider the sum approved. Having discussed this briefly with our CEO and Company Accountant, I reject the sum of $7000 USD as being excessive.

However, I have approval of $5000 USD in full and final settlement. You will be required to sign a disclaimer, on handover of the cash. This sum excludes the £350 and £1000 GBP, which are now between you and your Sender.

Concerning the method of payment; as you know, AllStar does not use insecure methods of payment, eg, MoneyGram or Western Union. In addition, due to the huge amount of fraud in your country, coupled with the incessant theft in this extraordinary affair, cash in person is the only safe method of payment.

There will be no need to search for another Mail Hub. As I said in my last email to you:

‘I fully realise your earlier difficulties in collecting goods from AllStar Mail Hubs. Therefore, I would meet you at a large, well-known, 5-Star hotel in the city, at a mutually agreeable time. I suggest the Sheraton Abuja. I would also make available to you a contact phone number for us. There will be no need to email or wander about the streets with a photo. You simply come to the hotel, meet me in the lobby, and I will pass you your money. I hope that you will stay for lunch with me. Steve will be driving me around. As a fair-skinned white American, my personal security would be at great risk in your country, so I must take all necessary precautions for my physical safety. Therefore, my travelling outside of your capital city would not be practicable.’

I will meet you at a famous public hotel, the Sheraton Abuja. The full street address is: Ladi Kwali Way, Maitama, Abuja, Federal Capital Territory. I will also let you have Steve’s office landline, nearer the event.

Well, I hope that this satisfies your concerns. You are not looking for a Mail Hub. You are not meeting a Mail Hub Manager. I am Head of Security and the second most senior person in this company. It is my solemn word that this matter will be resolved between us in Abuja. I stake my reputation and my career on it.

I will need your confirmation, in order to book my flights. I am happy to discuss this matter with you, at any time.

This will be a very happy Christmas for the Kelvin family. I know that $5000 USD is no small sum in Africa.

Best,

Oscar

At long last, Steve Attar, the AllStar Mail Hub Manager from Kano who flew to Abuja and missed Kelvin, calls him for the first time.

Enjoy it!

Att@rtoKe1vin13Dec11 - Edit.mp3

Kelvin has Beer to Waste...