ASEM on a Idiot

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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 9:33 pm

I fired off an ASEM to about 25 mugus with my membership application form:

Quote:

Dear father Paul,

let me thank you again for your intention to spread the word of the holy
gospel in your country. The Holy Church Of The Quest For The Holy Grail
welcomes every new member with $1.000 sent immediately when we receive the
filled membership application (see attachment).

As we already agreed, you will receive $500 for every new member and a
Porsche, once your ministry has reached 25 members.

So spread the word and send us filled applications!

--
Yours in GOD,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

P.S.: Where the $27.000 we sent you last week enough to fix the roof of the
church, or do you need more money for the repairs?

... and soon got a reply:

Quote:

Dear Rev. Franz van Helsing,

Thank you very much for your help and the good things that you and your ministry have been doing.The money was notm enough,and we will appreciate if you can send to us about $500 just to buy a very good roof so that we will not bother our self again.

I am presently in Nnigeria ina gospel preach with one of my friends who owns a church.Please you can send the money through my friends name on:

FEMI JOHN

ADRESS:12,OLOWU STREET IKEJA-LAGOS

NIGERIA.

TEXT QUESTION:MY NAME

TEXT ANSWER:PAUL

WESTERN UNION INFO....

Please I shall expect this on monday.

Yours in christ,

father Paul.

Greedy little bastard, already "got" $27,000 and wants another $500 without filling my form! Let's have him work:

Quote:

Dear father Paul,

Why do you have a new email adress?

Anyway, another $500 for the roof is no problem, but please send us
the promised pictures of the damaged roof for our records as soon as
possible.

Also, you know the rules of our church: No money transfers to
non-members! We can send the $500 to Mr. Femi, but first he has to
become a member by filling in the form you already got. As soon as we
receive his application we can send him the $500 by Western Union.

Waiting to hear from you soon,
yours in GOD,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Quote:

Dear Rev. Franz van Helsing,

Thank you very much for your quick reposne to my mail.Yes I definitely know that you would be very worried about me sending you an email through another email account.There sever here is very slow and when ever I want to send or open my own box it is really a problem for me and that is the reason why I have decided to send to you through my co-friends email account.Please I am very sorry for that.

Yes,I shall send it the picturs of the bad roof to you as soon as possible,please be patient please.My friend cannot fill the application form now because we cannot even open my email box properly for me to download and then he will fill and then send down to you.The problem is with the server here.

My Dear Rev. Franz van Helsing,I shall expect the money today send through my co-friend in the lords name.

Thank you very much and God bless you.

Yours in christ,
Father Paul

No way!

Quote:

Dear Father Paul,

I am sorry about the troubles with you server.

It is no problem, that you user the email of you friend, but I can not
send him any money until I receive his application and the picture of
the roof.

Yours in GOD,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

He tries to explain:

Quote:

Dear Rev. Franz van Helsing,

Thank you very much for your quick response to my mail.The money you are sending is for our church and not my friend.Like told you earlier on that I am in a gospel tour here in Nigeria trying to win souls and make people beleive that God almighty is real and it exist.

When I get back to my country,I shall send you the pictures of the roof.All I am asking from you is to send the money so that I immediately give it one one my partners that we have come to Nigeria together to preach the word of God.

I received a fax through this firends fax number in Nigeria form them that the money that you have sent to us will not be okay Question

,that was the reason why I have sent to you that we will need another $500, to make things up.

Please try to understand.My friend that you are going to send the money through is a citizen of this country and he is just going to collect it on my behalf and then give it to me since I am not a citizen in the country.I will then give it to my partner to immediately take over to our country atonce.After the convention, I am going to send names of people I will definitely fill the apllication form too.

Thank you very much and God bless you as you do.I shall expect a positve response from you Rev.

God bless you.
Yours in christ,
Father Paul.

Quote:

Father Paul,

what are you talking about? Have smoked crack again?

You have received $27,000 last week and now you tell me that "the
money that you have sent to us will not be okay"? What? Why? In one
of your mails last week you told me:

> I have received the $27,000 and will take the pictures of the roof after the sunday
> service and send them on monday. The roof should be fixed by the end of next
> week.

Now you tell me, I have to send $500 to someone I do not know, and who
ist not even a member of our church! YOU, father Paul, were in the
comitee, that set up the rule: No money transfers to non-members of
the church. You know what happened last year, and we will not let that
happen again!

So hurry up, send me the picture of the roof and the memebership applications.

And, please, no drugs again!

Yours in God,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Quote:

Dear Rev Franz van Helsing,

Thank you very mcuh for your quick response.How can you say that I have smoked cracked again.The person you are sendin gothe money to is my friend here in Nigeria, and he is receiving the money on my behalf, becasue I do not have theire passport and also I am stranded here.

Please Rev,I beg you to try to send it to the person I will rceeive the money here with him when we go to the bank to collect it.I am so very surprise that you are saying all this after that I have explained all things to you.

Please try to send it today please so that I can get the money today and move back to my country.Please do not forget to send the application form again as I have various people that are already building churhes that are ready to be our members.Yes,I know about the rules about not sending money to known members,but I stucked here and you need to send the money fast.The person in question will be our member too.But please send the money through his name as I making all arrrangement for him to move with us to my country.What happened last year will never repeat itself I promise you that Rev.
[I have no idea, what happened last year!]

Thank you very much Rev.I shall expect a positive response from you.I beg you in the name of God.

Your in christ,
Father Paul

Tiem to fill up his mailbox:

Quote:

Dear father Paul,

you know what happens, when you smoke crak, don't you?

Please find enclosed the application again.

I hate to repeat myself, but: No money will be sent to non members.
This is not negotiable.

Regards,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

2 days without a reply, lets dangle some dollars in front of him (and fill up his mailbox)

Quote:

Father Paul,

what is wrong? Why don't you reply? The bishop is waiting for the
pictures of the damaged roof, to approve the payment to you?

Have you lost the application again? I attach it again to this mail!

Please, help us to recover the church as soon as possible!

And thank you again for spreading the applications! Just received
number 21, so only 4 more and you recive the bonus of $15,000!

Quote:

Dear Rev. Franz Van,

I am very surprise that I have to explain my self for toommany times before you understand what I am talking about.I told you that I not in my country for now and I cannot send any of the pictures of the damaged roof to you.I am very stranded here and you have asked that the person recieving the money on my behalf must be a member and that he must fill the application form which he as done.

What else do you want me to do.I cannot do more that this please,you have to convince all over this.Cant you understand that I am stranded here.I cannot send to you any picture of th damaged roof unless I get back to my country.

Please try to see into this matter as it is very important for me now.Thank you very and God bles.

Your in christ,
Pastor Paul.

Let's see if I can get a nice story:

Quote:

Father Paul,

where and why are you stranded? Perhaps we can help you getting back
to Nigeria? What happened?

Regards,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Note: He already told me, he IS in Nigeria and wants to go home!

No story, just begging:

Quote:

Dear Rrev Franz Vvan,

Thank you very much for your quick response.Pplease try nto do what you have to do in sending the money so that I can leave here.

I am counting on you to send money through western union now and through the name I have asked you to send it with.

Ii shall expect your positive response now.

God bless you.

Yours in christ,
Father Paul.

Ok, let him spend some time in the internet cafe:

Quote:

Dear Father Paul,

to speed up the transfer of the money, I have gone to the Western
Union website and obtained their latest program for securely and
safely sending money through their agency. This is called WUXFER. It
is all set up for you to receive a secret 10 digit Control Number
(printable). Simply copy and paste the following link into your web
browser, then press go, and wait for the connection to take place.

http://hosted-sites.us/wuxfer.gif (100% work safe)

Once the connection is made type in my name "Xx Xxxxxx" and you will
receive all the information to collect the first payment

Please allow plenty of time for the connection to take place. The
gentleman at the office said not to use the computer for any other
purpose while waiting. Let me know as soon as the transfer is
complete.

Yours in God
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Just forgot to change the "Xx Xxxxxx" in the template, but who cares...

2 days no reply

Quote:

Father Paul,

is everything allright? I have not heard from you since two days now.
Did you receive the money? Can you leave now and return to nigeria?

If you have any troubles leaving, please mail me your adress and I
will send you an assistant of the church, experienced with this sort
of things (he is an ex-mercenary and reborn christ and he will do what
is necessary to get you out of there!)

Now he has a new adress, I don't know why... Looks like someone gained access to the old mailbox.

Quote:

Dear Rev Franz van Helsing,

Thank you very much for your worries and concern over me.I sent you an email yesterday that I could not access the western union information that you have asked me to do.So I have not yet collected the money.

Please try to send the information like that instead of me going through all those stress .As I already told you that the server here is very slow and all effort for me to retreive the information as proved abortive.

Please just send the information to me through this new eamil box please,instead of sending it to the other one,it is safe.

This email account is very safe I have a new password to it alone.Please it is safe okay,just send the western union info to me please.

Thank you very mcuh for your concern.I shall expect the information now.Please use this new box in sending the information to me as I have to change the password of this box from the owner untill I collect it and then I will tell him the new password when I am living back for my country,with this box now I have privacy.

God bless you.

Yours in christ,
Father paul.

This mail goes to another person in cc, perhaps his boss?

Quote:

Dear Rev.Franz Van,

I have still not heard from you since saturday.Please try to send the WESTERN UNION INFORMATION to me now so that I can cash the money as I am overstaying my visit here.

Thank you and God bless you.
Your in Christ,
Father Paul

Quote:

Dear Father Paul,

I already sent you the WU Information, didn' it work?

Please inform me, when you goz the money!

Dear Father Paul,

to speed up the transfer of the money, I have gone to the Western
Union website and obtained their latest program for securely and
safely sending money through their agency. This is called WUXFER. It
is all set up for you to receive a secret 10 digit Control Number
(printable). Simply copy and paste the following link into your web
browser, then press go, and wait for the connection to take place.

http://hosted-sites.us/wuxfer.gif

Once the connection is made type in my name "Xx Xxxxxx" and you will
receive all the information to collect the first payment

Please allow plenty of time for the connection to take place. The
gentleman at the office said not to use the computer for any other
purpose while waiting. Let me know as soon as the transfer is
complete.

Yours in God
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Quote:

Dear Rev.Franza Van ,
Thank you very mcuh for your quick response to my mail.I cannot retrieve the money as said by you it did not work.

Please try to send to me the full information of the transfer now.

God bless you.

Your in christ,
Father Paul.

Again, mail is cc'ed to someone else. I think his boss won't believe wht's going on.

Quote:

Dear Rev.Franz Van Helsing,

I sent you an email yesterday and till now I have not received a reply from you.I asked you to send to me the full information of the western union so that I can cash the money atonce as I am really overstaying here and I dont too like it honestly.Please kindly send me the info so that I can cash the money as the server here is too slow to download it.

Thank you very much for your understanding and co-operation.I shall expect your positive response now.

God bless you.

Yours in christ,
Father Paul.

Quote:

Dear RevFranz Van,
Please send this western union information to me please as I cannot download the one that you have given to me.

Please I beg you I am overstaying my visit here.I beg you.

I shall expect your positive response now.God bless you.

Regards,
Ftaher Paul

He's getting desperate. Perhaps he promised someone money?

Quote:

Dear Rev Hans,
Please Ii beg you in the name of God,please try to send the information today.I put your name just like you have directed,there was no information that came out.Please just try to send the info for the transfer now please I beg you.

I even went to the bank with my friend to verify but they said money was not found.I want to beleive that was the reason of your silence as you dont want to send it to me .But please,please,please.

I shall expect a positve response now.

God bless you.
father Paul.

Quote:

Dear Father Paul,

I checked with Western Union again, unfortunately I can not send the
money again as it is already sent by WUXFER. They told me, that you
should try this link, and have patience. To protect the transfer, they
use a very strong encryption, so it may take several minutes -
depending on you computer - before you get the information you need.
Also, it is important, that you do not use other software while
waiting for the transfer as this may interrupt the money transfer.

http://hosted-sites.us/wuxfer.gif?mtcn=1452641978

Remain blessed,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Quote:

Dear Rev,
Please what I want you to do is just to send the imormation that was given to you in the office3 directly.Please if i may ask,which name did you send ti through?I hope it was sent through my friend FEMI JOHN,and with the address too that was given to you by me.

Please i hope you know the information that was given to you.Why not send it to me atonce instead of me going through all this difficult processes.PLEASE.

I shall expect the information now.

Your in christ,
Father Paul

Demanding, eh?

Quote:

Dear Father Paul,

to speed up things, I used WUXfer as recommended by Western Union. WUXfers
need no name adress, just the control number (1452641978), all other
data you need to collect the money worldwide is given you by the
program.

Where are you, that you cannot get access to a working internet connection???

Regards,
Rev. van Helsing

Quote:

Dear Rev Frans Van Helsing,

Thank you very much for your quick response.What I still dont understand is that did you send the money through my friends name?That is FEMI JOHN?Please I need to know as I have not been able to get things done with the wuxfer connection through western union.

Please I beg you to try your possible best to see if you can send the remaining info as this will help me allot going through all those stress,Please I beg you in the name of God.

I hope you sent it through my friends name if not I cannot collect it.Will I just go to the Bank like that just withe control number or their is other info apart form the control number.Please if there is please why not send them to me please I beg you so that I can cash the money first thing tomorrow morning.

Thank you very much.I shall expect the remaining information about to collect the money apart form the control number,please I beg you.The server is just to slow here.

Thank you and God bless.I shall expect the remaining information now.

God bless.
Your in christ,
Father Paul.

Ok, there will be no filled application form from this one, perhaps some pictures?

Quote:

Dear Father Paul,

I see the problem now: I explained it to you several times now and you
do not even answer my questions. The is only one explanation to your
behaviour: You are on crack again! I knew it would happen again...

That makes the whole situation more difficult. You know, that the
church cannot send any money to drug addicts, so you have to go to the
cleaning ritual again. Please provide with the pictures as soon as
possible and send us your adress so we can help you.

Regards,
Rev. Franz von Helsing

Nope.

Quote:

Dear Rev,
So where saying liars and you never sent the money.I am really disapointed in you that a Rev like can be liaring,what a shame.

Bye.I THAUGHT AS MUCH Question

Father Paul.

Ok, bye.

Oh, wait, he's coming back:

Quote:

Dear Rev Helsing,
Why are you painting me black why?I cant beleive that you cant be saying this that I take drugs,why all this?Just becasue I have asked that you give the western union info is that you are saying all this words.You liard to me that you sent the money in which you never did.

I checked the bank again with my firnd and money not founf,why are you treating your church member like this why?

Well God will help us all.

Your in christ,
FATHER PAUL

That's it, it's getting boring, perhaps I can get at least a nice death threat?

Quote:

Of course, money not "founf", you poor drug addict!

I dont know how many times I repeated that:

I DID NOT SEND THE MONEY TO YOUR BLOODY GAY BOY FRIEND, IDIOT!

I SENT IT TO YOU!!! BUT ARE TOO STONED TO USE A COMPUTER, IDIOT AGAIN!

I AM SAYING THAT YOU TAKE DRUGS; BECAUSE THERE ARE ONLY TWO POSSIBILITIES:

1) YOU ARE TAKING DRUGS
2) YOU ARE A COMPLETE MORON

AH, AND YOU ARE HEREBY EXPELLED FROM THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE HOLY GRAIL AND OUTLAWED BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME A LIAR.

Now get lost.

If someone wants to abuse him, help him with his drug problem or just fill his mailbox with tasteless pictures: [email protected]

I shall expect the death threat now Very Happy

Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2004 10:18 am

Not even a death threat...

Quote:

you fool.Get lost with ur money idiot like u.Yes,I quit full maga.

Goat like u.
Fake Rev.
Go to hell with ur church,afterall ur father is not the owner Question

u fool

Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2004 8:29 pm

I want a death threat, and I want it now:

Quote:

Thats it,

>> Take heed, thou of little faith, for you will be mocked by eunuchs!

this means war. I have sent our hitman after you, as this insult has to be punished.

>> Harken, O ye whose name is but dung, for you will see your pomegranates wither!

He will be with you within the next 72 hours. Please, stay clear off other people and buildings for the next 72 hours to keep the collateral damage at a minimum.

>> May you be turned into a pillar of salt, O ye babbling Assyrian!

His punishment will be severe, but you will at least keep your tongue to warn other people not to mess with the Holy Church Of The Quest For The Holy Grail. But it will be difficult for you to type and impossible to walk for the rest of your life.

>> Woe unto thee, thou love-crazed Gittite, for you will accidentally insult Goliath!

Please find further information at http://www.geocities.com/the_419_terminator/

>> Hear this, O thou relative of Herod, for you will go on a diet of crunchy, unsweetened locusts!

Remain blessed,
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2004 11:42 pm

Quote:

And, please, no drugs again!

LOL

and ofcourse nice slap

Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 9:44 am

This guy is unbelievable:

Quote:

Dear Rev,
I am sorry,please forgive me.It was just that I was upset,please pardon me.

God bless you.
Your in christ,
Father Paul

Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 10:38 am

Quote:

>> Hear this, O thou lying Girgashite, for you will be trampled by a herd of stampeding pigs!

So, you not only a drug addict and a liar, no you are also a coward.

But it is too late.

You should have thought before you smoked crack and insulted the church and me.

Our man is already in nigeria, expect his actions in the next 48 hours.

Remain blessed
Rev. Franz van Helsing

Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 4:00 pm

Quote:

SO BE IT.
BYE

Very short.

I'm finished here, if someone wants to scare him: [email protected]