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 Things your doctor says that make you laugh

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Roycropper
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Joined: 14 Nov 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I damaged my coccyx (tailbone) from sitting virtually on the floor of a Marcos sportscar with hard suspension.

Eventually I went to my Doctor, who told me to give up smoking and drinking. Rolling Eyes

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You go die like bird
i started shouting HALLELUJAGOBBLE but none of them notice me immediately police arrested me due to the shouting
f*ck u asshole ur damn mother will loose ur fcuking skull brain ur brain is nothing to compare with rat f*ck ur u
MY FRIEND ALEX WAS DETAINED IN POLICE STATION
I am not happy due to the question i answered at money office. Let me tell you do not play with me ok.
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Titania
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I went to a county hospital (didn't have insurance at the time) and sat in the emergency room for 12 hours (not an urgent need, thank goodness).

First, after several hours I needed to use a bathroom. The bathroom in the waiting room was not wheelchair accessible. My friend and I went up and down several corridors looking for an accessible bathroom. Nada. We asked a security guard, who pointed down another corridor. We went, and - hooray - an accessible bathroom! -- Which was locked. We went back to the guard, who said, "How interesting." He wandered off to find the person with the key. Several minutes later, another guard took his place. He also was surprised that the door was locked and completely clueless as to what to do (this was at about 10 o'clock at night). Apparently the bathroom was only open during the day and early evening.

Finally, at 1:30 a.m. I saw a physician's assistant. He was looking at my eyes (the reason for my visit) and asked why I was in a wheelchair. Without saying a word, I lifted my right leg, which ends above the knee. I was now unimpressed with his powers of observation.

He did find me a (sort-of) accessible bathroom, though.

(That hospital building is being torn down now, BTW. It was built in the 1930's and not renovated since, so it had been immune from the ADA regulations.)
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bearkat419
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:58 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Well if you listened to mine, I was supposed to be dead. About 15 years ago Rolling Eyes

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Doodle Bug
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

My Dr said I havent seen you for a long time

I said yes I havent been well

Tommy Cooper circa 1970

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kleindoofy
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:19 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A woman goes to the doctor.

After examining her, he says: "I'm afraid you're terminally ill and you only have six months left to live."

She says: "ok, but I want to hear a second opinion."

He says: "fine, no problem; you're ugly too."

Bidibum, rim-shot! Wink
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iMike
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

...just a little prick. Very Happy

well, someone had to say it

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Doodle Bug
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:38 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Dr said go over to the window and poke your tongue out

I said why?

Dr I don’t like the lady next door

Circa the Dawn of time

_________________
FUCK OFF. DONT CONTACT ME ANYMORE
you must tell the truth at least you supposed to tell me the truth.
i am not here to check or look for people piss in the streets of Abidjan
Who is this person Mickey Mouse???
trying to dercieve hoorable men like me. You are stupid man ok.
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Roycropper
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:04 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A guy goes into the Doctors
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?'
"Don't you start"

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COULD YOU IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WENT TO THE BANK
our Agent is Completely broke, pocketless and stranded
I WLL SEND AN AFRICA WITCH TO ATTACH YOU BASTARD
You go die like bird
i started shouting HALLELUJAGOBBLE but none of them notice me immediately police arrested me due to the shouting
f*ck u asshole ur damn mother will loose ur fcuking skull brain ur brain is nothing to compare with rat f*ck ur u
MY FRIEND ALEX WAS DETAINED IN POLICE STATION
I am not happy due to the question i answered at money office. Let me tell you do not play with me ok.
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iMike
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:36 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

'Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains'
'Pull yourself together'

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Nanny Ogg
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

'Doctor, I feel I'm a tepee in the morning and a marqee in the afternoon'
'Ah that's the problem, you're two tents'

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Gold Hat
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:09 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

PATIENT: "Doc, my arm hurts when I lift like this!"

DOCTOR: "Well then don't lift your arm you idiot".


Last edited by Gold Hat on Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:12 am; edited 1 time in total
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Simba
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:15 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man goes to the doctor and says
"Doctor, I broke my arm in three places"

And the doctor says
"well don't go back to those places"


A man goes to the doctor and says
'I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
And the doctor says
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

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The Blackwood Con
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:37 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

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doc holliday
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:51 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Is this the Henny Youngman thread?

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Gold Hat
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:14 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Simba wrote:
. . . 'It's not unusual.'


Go away Simba . . . . go far, far away . . . . Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

And as Henny says:

"Take my wife . . . please"
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Corona
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:31 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I gave birth only once and I was so scared. When I get to the hospital the nurse tells me to take off my clothes and put that gown on. Rolling Eyes When the doc came in to examine me, he pulled up the gown, started cracking up and said, "Sweetie don't you know you can't have a baby with underwear on?" Embarassed

I did the same thing when I broke my finger and I still don't understand what emergency would require cutting my undies off while operating on a finger. Shocked Confused

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SherlockHolmie
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:30 am Reply with quoteBack to top

One week post-crainal surgery...surgeon tells me on release, "you won't remember very much for the next month or so...can you try to remember that? Shocked

(I didn't remember it...Mum told me about it later Laughing )

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drew.p.coque
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:29 am Reply with quoteBack to top

me - i`m ringing for my blood test result.
doctor receptionist -we can tell you the test is ok, but not if there is a problem.
me -what is it
doctor receptionist -we cant tell you.
me- can i speak to the doctor?
doctor receptionist - no
me-why not?
doctor receptionist -he`s away on holiday and isnt expected back for 2 weeks. it is not clinic policy for patients to contact doctors while they are away.!
me - can i speack to another doctor then?
doctor receptionist - errrr... we`ll have to see about that. ! Shocked
----
also they were giving me the same blood result for a test i did 6 months ago. !!

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Titania
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I know what you're talking about, Drew. My previous doctor's nurse would not tell me what my blood pressure was - she said the doctor would tell me. When I asked him, he looked at the paperwork, shuffled the papers, and reached for the monitor to take my bp again. Next time, I asked the nurse again, and again she would not tell me, saying it was office policy. What the heck? What's so confidential about one's blood pressure that they can't even tell the patient?

On another note - I'm laughing with joy because my [new] primary doctor took me off most of my meds, lowered the dosage of the ones I still have to take, and told me, "You're darn near normal." For over three years I've been over-medicated. Sheesh!
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Puq
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Joined: 09 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:42 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Doctor, I feel really ill. I said.

So do I. She said.

She is now retired.

clapping

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Gnasher
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:03 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Patient: Oh doctor I think I'm impotent.
Dr: Impotent? Take this Viagra and Prozac.
Patient: Prozac?
Dr: Yes. So if you don't get a ***k you won't give a ***k

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:55 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Doctor Doctor, my lungs are bleeding and i can't stop coughing

Click

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simpsonman3000
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:14 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A la "Malcolm in the Middle" (SPOILERS!!! lol):

Malcolm goes in to get appendix removed. Has to go in children's ward.

Doctor shows intern group where it hurts on him by poking his appendix with a pen.

Wakes us one night to a group of doctors putting a metal cage over his head and drawing an "x" on his forehead. Doctor checks chart. "Oops."

Malcolm feels better and tries to tell doctor that it wasn't appendicitis. Doctor won't listen.

Malcolm gets new blood test results from a doctor in 20s in exchange for a cup of his pee for a drug test.

On surgery table, gets put under. When doctor opens flap of gown on stomach, it says "Red blood cell count xxx, white cell count xxx... I will sue your ass for malpractice..." Doctor then asks for another blood test

Back at home, parents are pissed because he's supposed to be smart and why he couldn't figure out that he wasn't sick sooner.

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He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

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Bean in a waiting room: http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Iujt9-TyWo

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nascarfan
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Joined: 28 Jun 2008
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:09 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I work at a hospital for a while, a few co-workers told about this guy who came in to the E.R. with a glass bottle stuck up is arse.

Thats about all I can remember, I think that they had to break the glass to release the suction.

Lol I would of loved to be a fly on the wall while the questions are being asked

Doc- how did you get the bottle stuck in your arse
Patient- well....you see doc I was um............

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Gnasher
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 10:00 am Reply with quoteBack to top

According to the ER doctor I know the answer is usually "I accidentally sat on it". There's a hilarious website somewhere with xrays of various 'foreign objects' that people accidentally sit on. I will try and find it.

Edit: Here it is. Probably NSFW. the live artillery shell is particularly impressive.

http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html

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"you have to pay because he need to submit this form to the Federal Ministry Of Fancies" Barrister John/Mike/Richard Okeke
"they are in deed the swinders rotating about in the net and searching for whom they will stylishly defraud your belongings" A. Moron
"Please pray harder for God to guide and protect us during our travelling because flight airplane i observe is a very big risky" Abdul Karibu
"WE DOESN'T LIKE HOW DISOBIDIENT YOU ARE!" Coco Law Chambers
"BE INFORMED THAT YOU WILL INCUR DUMMERAGE AFTER 9 DAYS FROM TODAY" Burkina Faso Air Secure Air Service.\
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