Things your doctor says that make you laugh

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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:25 pm

I could go on for ever here - but just a small selection

Today my GP made some eating suggestions and after going through a long list of things, which clearly my face showed a suitable look of revulsion at, she finished with jelly and ice cream out of desperation. Laughing

not Smarties (M & M's) Sad

Last week in hospital the nurse was listing my ailments and put down anorexia - and I weight 13 1/2 stone (200 pounds in dollars). Rolling Eyes

I went to A & E with a very impressive foot injury and after triage the doctor said I must be admitted and "follow me" and I stood up and fell flat on my face 'cause I couldn't walk. Laughing

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:31 pm

I had an eye operation, during which silicone oil was pumped into the eyeball (the original fluid having been removed). The oil in my eye renders it totally blind.

I had some trouble with the eye - mainly inflammation - and returned to the clinic to see what could be done about it. The doctor asked me if I was given an anti-inflammatory drop, and I said I didn't know. She said, "Well, when you put drops in your eye, are any of them milky when they go in?"

Even the studen-intern knew that was silly, and he said - with just the right combination of sarcasm and respect, "She can't see, remember?"

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:34 pm

I went in for surgery and was just cut open when then the governator came in and said:

"it's not a tumor. sew him up and get him out of here!"

dang California budget cuts... banghead

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:56 pm

^^

"This won't hurt"

"You will sleep through the whole operation" (I didn't)

"Don't worry I'm the expert" (They weren't)

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:05 pm

Wow. You guys have had bad luck when it comes to doctors.

The one that bugs me is the:

Nurse: "Okay now, take off your clothes. Your doctor will be in in a moment."
...Twenty "moments" later...
Doctor: "Hello, how are you?"
Me: "Uhm...I'm cold, thanks. May I put my clothes back on now? I kind of have the flu so being cold really isn't THAT great of a thing to be right now. I mean, was it really necessary for me to sit like this...naked...for 20 minutes"

*facepalm*

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:05 pm

shhhhhhhhhhhhh I am going under in the middle or end of next month. I don't want to think about what could happen.

The surgeon already flirted and asked if I'm married. LOL Now he has decided I need surgery.. Is he trying to look at the goods before he decides if he wants to "try them on and buy them?" Laughing

** Retired ** Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 750 Location: Air

I had a broken hand 2 months ago, and when I went in for to have the pin inserted, the conversation went a little like this :

Doc : Im just going to check the sensitivity around the wounded area
(doc prods the sore spot)
Me : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Doc : Did that hurt ?

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 7103 Location: Yes

"Walk toward me and drop your shorts."

As the doc is sitting...um...eye level...

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

Well, not a doctor, and not so much laughter as very evil laughter, the kind that comes right before a malicious act. . .

While I was in labor, contractions 2-3 minutes apart, entering the maternity ward, I was grilled with questions about registration. I quickly told the nurse that I'd pre-registered weeks ago and had been told I would be all set and wouldn't have to do any paperwork the day of delivery.

Her response: "I'm sorry, we don't have that paperwork. I need you to do it now".

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:37 pm

Wound up in the ER with a burst appendix.In the course of checking me out,the doctor asks "have you ever been shot before?"
I replied that I never had been,and what prompted the question.He showed me an x-ray,and I had to admit there was a roughly bullet shaped shadow in there.He asked me several more times was I certain I had never been shot?I could onlt reply that no I hadn't,and didn't he think something like that would tend to stick in my memory?

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:46 pm

I had a doctor tell me to take ibuprofin for the pain for a kidney infection. Ibuprofin can cause kidney inflammation and has been linked to kidney damage. I told her that and she gave me the "Oh yeah... umm..." Rolling Eyes

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 11:38 pm

Order following nitwit wrote:

Wake up, it's time for your sleeping tablet.

Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 11:41 pm

Had my lasik surgeon tell me that I was not a candidate for lasik as my cornea was too thin, but they could do this other procedure. When I told him I was allergic to the contact lens I would have to wear for a week or so after that operation he suddenly decides my cornea *IS* think enough for lasik.

Guess what? Cool

I still wear glasses.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

I haven't had too many encounters with the doctor, but my SO came out from her appointment saying that the doctor (She sees the head doctor in our uni practice) had prescribed her penicillin. My SO is massively allergic to penicillin. It says so in rather large red letters on her records.

This is the place where the standard first question to any female patient is to ask if they think they might be pregnant.

I guess the river of contempt flows both ways.

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:04 am

When I was young after a bad accident the doctor came into the room and told my mother, standing next to me, " we don't know why he is alive right now but we don't expect him to live through the operation."

another time I was about to get X-rayed and got involved in a lengthy discussion with an ER nurse who had my file.
Nurse: I see you were here 5 years ago for X-rays
Me: No I wasn't.
Nurse: Are you . . . . . Living at .......
Me: Ummm Yes.
Nurse: Yes. You had a concussion.
Me: No I didn't.
Nurse: Are you aware that concussions can cause amnesia?
Me. Ummmm I am now.. . . . .

Recently I was in Eastern Europe and cut my foot open. As in open to the bone. At the local hospital the nurse was Slovak and the doctor was German. Fortunately I didn't need to communicate complex instructions. Since I was sitting in the ER bleeding all over the floor. After they had cleaned it up I started to look around at all of the bits inside my foot. After the doctor told me Nein! I said "It's my foot" To which he replied "Is also your infection idiot"

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:32 am

Recently I had to phone my OBGYN's office to set up a surgery appointment to remove some suspicious looking objects in my breasts. Everything was going smoothly with setting up the appointment until she said, "Okay, I have you scheduled for a hysterectomy for the 8th." Quietly I replied, "I know that my breast are sagging but they haven't reached that part of my anatomy yet. Could we please schedule me for breast surgery?"

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:02 am

Quote:

I guess the river of contempt flows both ways

Nice turn of phrase; I shall unashamedly steal that.

In my case it was what my doctor didn't say..

Quite why it came up, but I said "You know I'm not paranoid, right?" which was followed an affirmation-expecting pause. And complete silence from him.

When the tumbleweeds had blown through the office I amended it to "You know I'm not a hypochondriac, right?" which went down much better.

Trouble is, it rankled and I have a bad memory, so when I was shopping and I felt people staring at me, I checked to make sure the trousers were on (check) and then told myself the doctor is an idiot and I shouldn't be paranoid.

Two hours later I wandered into the barbecue I had shopped for (cue multiple people looking up, most of whom I didn't know) and my SO said "New hairdo?"

During my shower, I'd forgotton to wash off the conditioner and my hair had gone all spiky.

A strange, sort of punk, look for a middle-aged guy Rolling Eyes

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:31 am

Hey out here my Doc is great. Just ask him to give you something for your Liver and PRESTO...you get a free bag of onions Laughing

Elite Baiter Joined: 17 Sep 2004 Posts: 1269

I had to have a mole removed a few years ago. The surgeon and I were chatting to distract me...he distracted himself too! Shocked

He forgot to numb me before he started slicing. I was quite a bit younger, so my mom was also in the room. I grabbed her hand really tight and my eyes went real big...I didn't say a peep though.

My mom: Uh...did you forget to numb her?
Surgeon: Oh, frik.

I told him he shouldn't charge us for that...he still did. Bleh.

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:59 am

Approx 3 yrs ago I went to the ER because we thought that my foot was broken.

ER doctor: It's broken, huh?

Me: I'm not sure but it hurts badly.

Him: We'll get x-rays and take care of it for you.

X-rays were taken, then nurse gives me two Vicodin to help ease the pain. A half hour later, I was feeling really loopy. The ER doc entered the room and said. "We don't find any breaks, but that doesn't mean that your foot isn't broken. Here is a pair of crutches so that you can leave here safely. Please follow up with your regular doctor."

I took the crutches and attempted to "drive" under the influence of Vicodin, a drug that I wasn't used to. It took ten seconds for me to crash and burn on the floor of the ER treatment room.

So much for leaving there safely. Laughing

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:52 am

One evening I had to call out the doctor and he decided I needed an ambulance, but it wasn't an emergency at that stage.

About 3 or 4 hours later I was shaking violently and hyper ventilating so I called to find out what was happening and eventually a paramedic and ambulance arrived togther at 3.00 am with me waiting outside with a bag for hospital, not wanting to wake up the whole neighbourhood.

The paramedic refused to let me leave without getting oxygen first. When I went indoors it set off the house alarm and I had to gallop up the stairs to switch them off - now in a state of collapse - so I gave in to the oxygen demand - then they started with the questions, and to answer I had to pull off the oxygen mask.

I'm not a good patient and invariably pull out any tubes they attach - usually with bad results. Laughing

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:30 am

Hurt my leg playing rugby a few years ago and an ambulance had to be called onto the pitch.

Me: What do you reckon?

Paramedic: Looks like it's just a sprain.

Me: So do you reckon I can get it looked at and get down to the bar before closing time? (There was a party at the Rugby Club I was dying to attend).

Paramedic: Yeah. Shouldn't be a problem at all.

Lying bastard!!! I'd smashed 3 bones and they didn't let me out for almost 3 weeks. Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:21 pm

You think you got problems?

We have Doctor Death, we're still not sure if he does it for fun or not... Evil or Very Mad

NSF squeamish people...

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:22 pm

simpsonman3000 wrote:

I went in for surgery and was just cut open when then the governator came in and said:
"it's not a tumor. sew him up and get him out of here!"
dang California budget cuts... banghead

That really is a pretty extreme budget cut if they didn't even give you general anaesthetic before they opened you up..... Rolling Eyes

In my younger days I was a bodyguard, and on one particular occasion I got stabbed in the forearm.
I was taken to a doctor, with a knife still sticking out of my arm when he said
"Now then, what seems to be the problem"

Didn't inspire me with a great deal of confidence.... Confused

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

and the doctor said "Push Hard "

DEFINITELY NSFW

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EHXLL3VwhHM

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