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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 9:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A young boy went to a horse auction with his father.

He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

The boy, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum.”

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Nailgunner
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 8:12 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Yahoo answers is at it again... Beware, OP is serious. Mr. Green
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20140113171612AA5ZcP3

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 8:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
"What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 8:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 9:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A bus conductor asks a drunk for his ticket. He goes through all his pockets but can’t find it. ‘It’s okay,’ says the conductor. ‘I’m sure you paid.’

‘Never mind that,’ says the drunk. ‘If I can’t find it how am I supposed to know where I’m going?’

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 2:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar: "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 2:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 2:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Bob checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss. "Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now." "The dead one doesn't bother me." Bob said. "It's his pallbearers."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 4:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say? The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 7:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 7:56 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 8:01 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
“Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 6:53 am Reply with quoteBack to top

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 6:56 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:09 am Reply with quoteBack to top

An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impresive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:21 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

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B8er
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:17 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,

“I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,

“I’m glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 9:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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Joined: 21 Sep 2013
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 6:48 am Reply with quoteBack to top

In honor of the ticket writer I had the pleasure of meeting yesterday...


While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’

To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’

‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.

The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’

‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ‘ he asked.

‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 6:59 am Reply with quoteBack to top

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 8:17 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’
‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.
‘Nope,’ replied the man.
‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.
‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man.
‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 18, 2014 7:51 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.

“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”

He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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