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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2014 5:57 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet.

Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

"Nope," came the reply.

Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

The man also replied, "Nope."

"Oops, it must have been an inside job."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2014 8:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 5:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 5:05 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 5:13 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 5:16 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:09 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:17 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida."

Clever Dick laughed.

"Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good- looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?"

"Wear an old dress."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:24 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom I'll show you how."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:29 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.

Yes?, he replied, how may I help you? The lady said "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?

"What do you mean by *anything*," he replied.

She said "Anything!"

Anything??

She said, in her best sultry voice "I mean ANYTHING."

The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him. The man was shocked that he wasn't hit by the brick. The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man asked the voice, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?! And where the hell were you when I got married?".

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

80 year old Bessie Reingold bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:50 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:57 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:13 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department admiring a set of weights. "Please, Dad," wheedled the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day . . . "

"I dunno, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:39 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine."

With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards." The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and six liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No that's just for me, can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

And the groom replies, " I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:00 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.

One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Two guys were walking along a river bank one night when they heard someone yelling for help on the other side of the river. They yelled back to see if there was anything they could do.

They found out that the voices on the other side of the river were from two Blondes whose car had died. The Blondes yelled and told the two guys that they needed to get over to the other side of the river.

The guys thought for a minute and finally yelled back to the Blondes, "We'll shine this flashlight across the river and you walk across the beam to this side."

The Blondes replied, "We are not stupid... When we get half way across the river you will shut the flashlight off!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3227
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:28 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

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