Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sat Dec 07, 2013 7:22 am

A man finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

'The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'....

Posted: Sat Dec 07, 2013 7:25 am

98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been
in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it
is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the

Mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press
buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case
I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 thru 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the
Duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.

Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

Posted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 6:26 pm

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - heck no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Posted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 6:32 pm

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'Start' but there is no 'Stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 'Re-scooter' is available in system? I find only 'Re-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learned 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6.. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Banta

P.S.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is GATES but you are selling WINDOWS?

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 6:02 pm

First drink

I took my grandson out for his first drink. Got him a XXXX. He didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlton Cold, he didn't like it, I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the Bundaberg rum

I could hardly push the bloody pram. !!!

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 6:06 pm

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no cr** off an Indian."

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 8:09 pm

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 8:12 pm

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 8:44 pm

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 9:15 pm

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds, a tennis court and a swimming pool.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

I didn't know where to put this, I don't think it merits its own thread.

http://www.dailydot.com/politics/google-autocomplete-nsa-spying-ruined-life/

Posted: Sat Dec 14, 2013 5:42 pm

By request:

What's the difference between lawyers and vulture?

Frequent flier miles.

Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:28 pm

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:30 pm

Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road. Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I'll go check it out." In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone.

He taps the microphone twice and says "42". Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.

Another man comes up and yells 68! The crowd laughs louder still! A third man walks up and shouts 12!!

Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?"

"Well," says the Manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke." "Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?"

"Sure!" the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice "168".

The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks.

After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?"

The manager was still chuckling but he said, "Achh...Well, they haven't heard that one before!!"

Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:54 pm

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".

"But I'm not pregnant," she says. "Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

Posted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 7:51 pm

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity.

"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

Posted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 7:56 pm

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

"What happened?" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"

"Harry had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.

"Oh, that's terrible," says the wife.

"I know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:13 pm

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow.

He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house.

"Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"

"Says he's a politician , Pop," Luke said.

"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:38 pm

On the first night of Sheila's and George's vacation in a small town in France, Sheila suggested that they make love each time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.

At first George seemed delighted at the prospect, but after four rings he pretended to go out for a quick snack and staggered off to the watchman's tower.

"Excuse me, but could I possibly persuade you to ring the bell every other hour instead of hourly; here, I'll give you some money."

"Normally I would be happy to oblige you, but I cannot. A beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every quarter hour."

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:56 pm

Nobody knows how old aunt Esther really is. Perhaps 80, perhaps 85. But although her memory is not what it used to be, it seems that she still has some sex appeal left in her for last week we received a message from her saying that she - believe it or not - just gave birth to a little baby boy!

When mom heard the news she immediately arranged an expedition, and we all flew to aunt Esther's to see the new addition to our family.

When we got there, we naturally wanted to see little Jon immediately.

"Well, where is the baby? We can't wait to see him!" said mom, all excited. Aunt Esther, however, wanted to tell us about the delivery first. "Oh! you should have seen the nurses! How sweet they all were! They have these white dresses, you know..." On and on Aunt Esther went.

After a few minutes my mom gently reminded her: "Little Jon? Can we see him?"

Aunt Esther seemed distracted for a moment, but she quickly came to her senses. "And the doctors! Oh, my! The funniest thing I ever saw - all wearing green robes! Imagine that! Green!"

This went on for a long time until dad began to lose his patience. "Why don't you show us little Jon?" he demanded.

"I'm waiting for him to start crying." was aunt Esther's cryptic reply.

Dad was puzzled. "But why do you want him to cry?"

"Because," replied aunt Esther, "I forgot where I put him!"

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 3:48 pm

An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6 months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."

"Get serious Doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office.

She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line.

Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?"

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 5:46 pm

There was the knock on the door and the man went to answer it. He found outside there was a plumber who said he'd come to fix the blocked toilet.

"But we haven't got a blocked toilet" said the man.

"Are you Mr Smith" asked the plumber?

"No" said the man, "the Smiths moved out six months ago."

"There are some real bastards in the world" said the plumber.

"They ring for a plumber saying it's an emergency and then piss off to another address".

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 5:50 pm

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"

"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 5:54 pm

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 6:00 pm

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid."

Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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