Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:44 am

~~~Why Grandfathers are different:~~~

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single a**hole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's a**, blindba**ard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bi**h anywhere we went!"

Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:47 am

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down

the horse's legs and rump, and chest. He was curious as to why his

father was doing this.

After a few minutes, Harold asked his father, 'Dad, why are you doing

that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make

sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy one.

Harold, looking worried said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy

Mom ....'

Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 7:36 pm

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:49 pm

This is one that the UK members might understand.... Laughing

Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 8:41 am

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 8:43 am

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 8:56 pm

lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Panado?
Very good! And what is it used for?
The first pupil said: It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Piriton.
Excellent. And what it is used for?
The second pupil said: To help you sleep.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra.
Teacher: Johnny , What is it used for?
Johnny: I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Teacher: Who told you this?
Johnny: Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, maybe that little sh*t will get harder'.

The teacher fainted

Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 9:01 pm

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either

Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 8:07 pm

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?”

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “How’s about if you tell me.”

Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:20 pm

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

"WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 3:04 am

A man said his wife has been missing for a week. The police said that he should prepare for the worst. So, he went down to the Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.

Laughing

Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 5:48 am

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out. While
waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women
have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One
night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After
an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you
could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth
down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mum told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I' m sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that ALL women have
teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down
there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 5:50 am

A middle aged couple have just finished making love, and the wife asks her husband if he is feeling all right.

He replied that making love at their age was not the same as it had been when they were just 16, and he was not getting the same satisfaction as he had some 40 years before.

A couple of days later, the wife mentions that she has read an article in a ladies magazine whereby, plastic surgeons have devised a method of tightening "down below" which may re-introduce some of the magic into their love-making.

The husband is all for it, and they make an appointment to meet with a surgeon.

At the meeting, the surgeon asks the wife to remove her under-garments and to hop on to the table so that he an take a look. After a couple of minutes he announces that he would be delighted to carry out the operation, and proclaims, that based on what he has seen, that this procedure would produce what he envisages as his finest work. A date is agreed for the following week for the operation.

The next week, the couple arrive at the hospital and the surgeon is waiting for them.

An hour after the operation, the wife comes to, and is feeling quite groggy from the aneasthetic. Standing at the bottom of the bed are the surgeon and her husband and on the table beside her are three red roses.

After a minute or two of chit-chat, and checking that the patient is comfortable ,the wife mentions the roses lying on the table.

The husband says "One of them is from me Darling, because I love you so much. What you have done to make our relationship even more special is more than any man could hope for"

Just as the husband finishes, the surgeon adds that the 2nd rose is from him because, he knows that once the swelling has gone down, and things return to normal, that the finished result will be the finest example of his work ever.

The wife then asked who the 3rd rose was from, and the surgeon piped up that it came from Mr MacGregor in the burns unit, who would just like to thank her for his new ears.

Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 10:08 pm

How Adam Got Eve --

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
And that it would be a woman He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you

And when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you

And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

Passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied,'An arm and a leg

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for rib?'

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Interesting, I wasn't sure where to put this.

http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/01/what-van-goghs-famous-self-portrait-looks-like-as-a-photograph/267028/

Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:06 pm

man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem I get nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it . I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:13 pm

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet .... its male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you're a pervert.
If you don't .... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape .... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't .... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache .... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 4:00 am

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house
with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Surprised

Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 8:17 pm

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 8:19 pm

A Man and his son were hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

Native American responds, "Scrambled."

Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 6:49 am

Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:15 pm

I really like No 4..... Laughing

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk

Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 10:05 pm

I came home from work and found the kid’s outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of her indoors car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the cat. Walking in the door, I found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. I quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for my wifey. I was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. I was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As I peered inside I found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As I rushed to the bedroom, I found her still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at me, smiled and asked how my day went. I looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was my incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 4:45 pm

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'

Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:52 am

SUE’S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses,
swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red
Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls"
trip. It will be my first one - and I can't
wait!

DEAR
DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and
dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice
man.

DEAR
DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit
golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his
table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is
very attractive and
attentive.

DEAR
DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain
asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a
scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked
me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be
unfaithful to my
husband.

DEAR
DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went
inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is
quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have
his way with me, he would sink the ship.....I was
shocked.

DEAR
DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice.

Surprised

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