Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:46 am

A man was at a party with his wife when she recognized someone she knew on the dance floor. "Look at that guy, drinking and dancing," she said.

"Who is he?" her husband asked.

"Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him!" she replied.

"Damn," her husband replied, "25 years and he's still celebrating!"

Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 7:13 pm

A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ar*ehole."

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a barrister to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The police officer replies: "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Barrister: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 7:14 pm

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'get into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:56 am

Husband took his wife to a disco

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said,

"See that guy over there? 25 years ago, he asked me to marry him and I turned him down."

Husband said,

"Looks like he's still celebrating."

Laughing

Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 1:13 am

Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 4:48 pm

Golf Gotcha

The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even things a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 4:49 pm

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think we should spank him."

Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 4:56 pm

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 4:58 pm

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 3:40 pm

Mother's Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 2:34 am

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do no return your call, you are one of the changes

Laughing

Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 10:05 am

Quite clever this:

http://taxi.ba.com

Put in your full postcode and then watch a plane taxi down your street.

Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 2:17 pm

Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 9:22 pm

A woman has a problem with her closet door. Every time a bus passes by, it keeps falling off. So she calls a repairman. The repairman arrives and sees that the door does indeed keep falling off every time a bus passes.

"OK, I'm going in," he says. "Just shut the door behind me."

He steps into the closet, but before a bus can arrive, the woman's husband comes home from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Shocked and angry, the husband says, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, you're not going to believe it," replies the repairman, "but I'm waiting for a bus!"

Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 6:15 am

Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 6:35 pm

Dave was staring sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave” asked the bartender
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” Dave replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? –
my lad’s just the same; – forget about it, it happens to boys that age”
said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that” continued Dave,
“but it’s far worse than that.

The little b*** has gotten the gorgeous 18 year old girl that lives
next door pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“It’s not” said Dave ,
“The little b****…… stuck a pin in all my condoms”.

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 7103 Location: Yes

Put in a song/artist and be given a drink recipe for listening to said song/artist: http://drinkify.org/

Quote:

Don’t listen to Nirvana alone. We suggest…
“THE NIRVANA”

10 oz. Marijuana
Serve neat. Garnish with pickled carrot sticks.

Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 6:57 pm

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it... !!

Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:49 pm

Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:52 pm

^^^

Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 8:46 pm

On January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 2:50 am

Son text his dad from college,

No mon, no fun, your son

Dad back at him,

Too bad, so sad, your dad

Laughing

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:23 pm

Fund Raising for Beginners

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem."

Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 8:17 pm

Speaking of church jokes...

Q: What is the difference between and Baptist and a Methodist?

A: A Methodist will say hello to you in the liquor store.

Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 8:35 pm

and...

Two priests encountered each other on the street one day and got to talking. Father Jones said, "You know what, Father Smith, I can't find my bicycle anywhere. I believe someone has stolen it."

Father Smith suggested, "This Sunday you should do a sermon on the 10 commandments. Perhaps one of your congregation is the guilty party, will feel bad about what he has done, and return your bicycle."

Father Jones thought this was a fine idea and he did just that. The following week the two priests ran into each other again. Father Smith asked Father Jones if his sermon worked.

Father Jones replied, "Yes it did. But not the way I thought. I was preaching a great sermon and hit You Shall Not Steal really hard. But when I got to You Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife I remembered where I left my bicycle."

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