Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

seems the guy with the pony has also taken it to a and e as it felt ill
and into a pub
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-13451965

Posted: Mon May 23, 2011 4:52 pm

My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.

But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.

Unfortunately, Lorraine died.

At her funeral, he stood up and sang:

'I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone................"

(I'll get my coat.............)

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

I am posting this here because it is laughable, but is not a joke!

Cancel your credit cards before you die!!!
This is priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : ' The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Vampiremerchant wrote:

(I'll get my coat.............)

Actually you really need a good spanking . . . but then you would probably enjoy that Wink

Posted: Fri May 27, 2011 3:31 pm

Extreme camping

Best you don't nip out for a pee in the middle of the night!

Posted: Sat May 28, 2011 5:25 pm

Gold Hat wrote:

Vampiremerchant wrote:

(I'll get my coat.............)

Actually you really need a good spanking . . . but then you would probably enjoy that Wink

That was actually in the joke I copy and pasted Laughing

And how did you know about the spanking ?............. Laughing

Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 5:35 am

Weird excuses for benefit fraud.

Quote:

‘I wasn’t aware my wife was working because her hours of work coincided with the times I spent in the garden shed.’

Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 1:56 pm

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 7:33 pm

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 7:36 pm

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 7:38 pm

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the #@$&* wall!'''

Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:23 am

Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 9:50 pm

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to
forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. because Lord, if I pray
for strength I'll just beat him to death'

Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:03 pm

A baby seal walks in to a club...

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 27 Dec 2010 Posts: 586

Ok I know this is a little old but:

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeve after the fire. Shocked

Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:05 pm

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:10 pm

*Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

*A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

*Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).

*Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

*Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 5:51 pm

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked at them and said. "Mr.Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, "Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said, "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Officer, not a ******* thing!"

Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 5:52 pm

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

Posted: Sun Jun 12, 2011 6:24 pm

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks hers husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Posted: Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:54 pm

In Japan, when they elect a new prime minister, they do this by holding erections!! Laughing

Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:48 am

^slight variation on the subject:

A man goes on vacation to Japan. After he has checked in to the hotel, he decides to take a walk. After a few minutes, he sees several dozens of people lined up in front of a sort of public office.
He steps up to the last man in the line, and asks him: "Do you have elections?"
The man answers, in his best Engrish: "Yes! Evely day!"

Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:53 am

How do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:31 pm

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed.

"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:34 pm

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next fourdays and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself andis delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone, 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes anda sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your a-s-s is mine.'

He lost 74 pounds...

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