The Sad Tale of Audu Magashi...

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Posted: Fri May 28, 2004 5:48 pm

So here's the other I have underway...

From Audu Magashi

C/Sabatini 28901

Refugee Camp Madrid Spain

Refugee Complex

Tel: 0034 665 170 442

SUBJECT:BONDED SHARE STOCK DISCOUNTING

INTRODUCTION

Dear,

My name is Audu, I am from ZIMBABWE in East Africa.

My father & mother also from Zimbabwe (Zetani Tribe) Farmers

My Father is a COCOA farmer producer, among the white Zimbabwe farmers.

My father was among the highly recommended farmers among the white Zimbabwean farmers who was assassinated by the fighting between the Government opposition & the white Zimbabwean farmers.

With assistant of my father associate partner Asian Whiteman the cocoa bean seed product is sold to international buyers from Asia,USA,Canada & Latin America etc.

Funds from the sales of the cocoa partly my father INVESTED IT INTO BONDED SHARES STOCK with a BANK here in Spain. I was among the black farmers citizens who seek for Refugee Asylum Accord under the United Nation Refugee immigrant Programme in Africa because of this BONDED SHARE STOCK my late father invested here in Spain I decided to come to Spain.

The reason I am contacting you is for you to represent as my white man foreign partner to have this BONDED SHARE STOCK DISCOUNTED AND THE CASH VALUE INVESTED BY YOU.

Here in Spain the law did not allow a refugee to operate a bank account. When I receive your confirmation i will know if you will be able to fly down to meet me for us to meet the officials so that this SHARE STOCK will be DISCOUNTED to you, or if you will want the fund to be transferred to your chosen destination bank account for the investment.

There after you will seek for Nationality for me in your country because I will not go back to Zimbabwe again as soon as this STOCK is DISCOUNTED and taken control by you from Spain to your chosen account destination for the proper investment.

I will appreciate you to call me with the number as above. Note that you are the only person that knows about this. I expect you to take absolute confidentiality of this to yourself .I never made any body to know about this BONDED SHARE STOCK as my trust and hope that you will not betray me.

Thanks for your cooperation, while hoping to receive your call. God bless you

Yours Ever

Audu Magashi

Spain.

(WOW -- BONDED SHARES STOCKS??? WHEEEE-DOGGIES! LET'S MAKE US SOME MONEY...)

Dear Mr. Magashi,

I don't know how you got my address, but your plight is interesting and I may be able to help. What kind of discount are you talking about? What do I stand to gain by such a transaction? I am a very busy man in Beverly Hills, California. I do business in commodities such as cocoa, coffee and oil on a regular basis, and I need to know upfront if I can trust you.

Regards,

Jed Clampett

CEO, Clampett Investments, Ltd.

Posted: Fri May 28, 2004 5:49 pm

(What was I thinking? Of COURSE I can trust him...)

From Audu
Spain
Att:Jed

My dear,God bless you for your prompt reply to my
contact to you.First of all i appreciate you and your
ability to invest this fund for life.

As you read my letter to you.My late father was a well
known cocoa merchant farmer producer.The product is
sold to foreigners who do request for shipment in
quantities of bags.

The fund from the sales due to the bad Government
Administrative in Africa my country then.My father
invested the money in (BONDED SHARE STOCK) with a bank
here in spain.

At present as an immigrant refugee i can not operate
any investment account here in spain.That is the most
reason i consider to contact you as foreign partner.If
you can not come to spain then you have to contact the
bank with the information i will give you while you
request for the (INVESTED SHARE STOCK) to be
Discounted and Re-transfer to the norminated account
which you want us to use to receive and invest the
cash value.

For this assistant my dear please 10% will stand out
for your expenses while 30% for you and 60% will be
invested and control by you while in USA.Any potion of
investment you wish is acceptable to me please.my life
here in the refugee camp is not quite ok .My problem
is for you to receive this money then i will have a
cool rest of mind for my future life.

Please i will like you to send me your private cell
phone i can reach you always please.

Kindly reply as soon as possible dear.May God be with
you ever.I await to receive your confirmation
Thanks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Audu:

So your father was a well-known cocoa merchant? I may have heard of him, or more likely one of my associates may have. My nephew, Ron Jeremy Clampett, has done a great deal of trading from Nigeria to Zimbabwe, and likes to spend his considerable wealth hunting pterodactyls and visiting the brothels in Nairobi, where he is affectionately known as the Hedgehog. Did your father ever mention Ron?

I can imagine life at a Spanish refugee camp is not much fun, and rest assured I will help you as soon as I can have more details. For starters, I cannot give you my private cell phone number until our relationship has become a bit more intimate. Also, I couldn't help but notice that you called me "dear." You wouldn't happen to be a woman, would you? Typically these comments in my country are reserved for members of the opposite sex, and I am a lonely widower.

Affectionately,

Jed

Posted: Fri May 28, 2004 5:51 pm

Sudsman wrote:

My Father is a COCOA farmer producer

Make him produce some farmers....

Posted: Fri May 28, 2004 5:52 pm

(Naturally, I'm relieved to hear back from him, since I thought perhaps I'd scared him off by coming onto him...)

audu magashi <[email protected]> wrote:
From Audu
spain
Att:Jed

I quite appreciate your words.Please i will like to
share this with you.According to my BIBLE what ever
thing one is to do.You must first of all put GOD
first.Second TRUST.My contact to you is a meditated
intent with hope of result for better life and the
investment which you are going to be in full control.

My believe in all my life at this present situation i
am here in spain i know that my GOD will make a way,
where there is no way.I also believe that YOU Jed will
never betray me or cheat me in regard to this
investment and contact i made with my last hope of
life into your hand for a beter future.Which means
that you are the way my GOD has made for us to come
along.

The word DEAR i used to you, its means some one you
fine dearest not to sex potion of it.In all its means
to me that you are the person that i trust and will
share my situation and secret with you not any how
person.

Please Jed i quite understand and hope that you know
that it takes one thing for one to know each others in
life.My BIBLE say that we should love one another as
GOD loves us.I know that when finally this pending
investment is control by you it will be an ever
lasting memory in life for me to tell my children to
come. At present i am a single young man of 30 of age.

I am happy as your scope of business is in line to our
investment which will accord us no difficult in
managing the resources avialable with your experience
already and conversant with African side of it in
general.

Please why i seek for your telephone is to enable me
have a direct word to word freely with you as
communication enhance this kind of magnitude
investment.I have my phone personally with me all the
time but computer is not in each room of every
person.The computer is in the general office which
one need to be on line one after another to meet up
your email communication,we are much.

Do not be angry if my request offended your
principle.I was hoping that with free conversation as
you did stated that you are a very busy person i can
reach you at any location you are in USA.
God bless you
Thanks

(I'm very apologetic...)

Dear Audu,

First let me extend a thousand apologies to you, my good man. I should not have inquired as to your sex, as I am sure you are a strong, virile man and a person's transgender should have no bearing on a business deal of this nature. I hope you understand I am a lonely widower since my lovely wife Pearl left this earth many years ago. Since then I give a pearl necklace to all my lady friends in her honor and am hopeful that someday I will meet the right woman to share in my otherwise full and happy life.

But enough about me, Audu. I am first and foremost concerned about your situation, being stranded in a Spanish refugee camp, especially after I heard the awful things that happened at Abu Ghraib prison. Have you been anally violated? Son, keep your Bible with you at all times and pray to Heavenly God that you will be delivered from this awful place. I never had a son of my own, and be assured that I am concerned about your well-being more than I am about the value of your cocoa stocks. After all, I can buy all the cocoa I need to supply the fudge factory, and a man can pack fudge all day long and not get the satisfaction of a mutually beneficial relationship with a person of God.

I can possibly be of more help than you think, Audu. As you know, I am a man of means and my nephew, Ron Jeremy, travels often to Africa to trade in chocolate. (Did your late father mention Ron? You never told me.) It is possible that we could travel to Africa and take care of this bank deal in person...but first we should stop in Madrid and get you out of that awful refugee camp so you can travel with us to the bank in Africa. Trust me, security will not be a problem, Audu; I carry cash anywhere in the world without fear. My other nephew (son of my sister) is named Jethro. He is a very large man, skilled in martial arts and firearms, and is highly intelligent with a specialty in ciphering. He is employed as a 00-series operative ("double-naught spy") by MI6 in London. He is currently stationed in Holland, where he works directly with the Amsterdam Secret Service (ASS). Jethro is considered the ASS Master, and with his connections in Madrid, he, Ron and myself could have you released from that camp into a life of freedom and wealth at a moment's notice.

I regret that I cannot communicate via telephone at this time. I have a metal plate in my head with an embedded security chip which interferes with telephone transmission. However, my nephew Ron Jeremy works very closely with me at our offices and can establish telephone communications with you once he is certain you are to be trusted. Ron handles security for me here in America and will contact you with some simple instructions for you to become certified as our business colleague in good standing. After that, we will rescue you and go to retrieve the money.

Keep the faith, son.

Sincerely,

Jed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oops, I almost blew it by not getting his story straight. We want to go to Spain to get him, but he doesn't want to go back to Africa. Time for a little damage control...

Dear Audu,

My name is Ron Jeremy. As my uncle Jed told you, I handle many of his affairs for him here in Beverly Hills. I feel I owe you another apology on Jed's part. As I read the correspondence, I noticed that he was proposing to return you to Zimbabwe once we were able to liberate you and your cocoa shares from Spain. Please note that Uncle Jed has a metal plate in his head and sometimes gets confused. He did not remember that you have no intention of returning to Zimbabwe, but rather would like to relocate to America. Rest assured, this is no problem. We have quite liberal immigration laws here in America, and a man of your good standing should have no problem settling in to a new life.

If I may ask, what is your business experience? Here at Clampett Investments, we employ quite a number of people and are always looking for someone with skills. Uncle Jed is pretty frugal so we don't pay a tremendous amount of money (under $100,000), but we do supply a BMW and laptop.

Regards,

Ron Jeremy
VP, Clampett Investments Ltd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

...and that's it for now until he gets back in line in the refugee camp's Internet facility. Very Happy

Posted: Fri May 28, 2004 9:17 pm

I can't believe he came back after that bullshit story! If this doesn't scare him away I'll be shocked:

From Audu
spain
Att:Ron Jeremy

Dear Sir
Compliment,
I read you email with much happiness right in my
heart.I also appreciate your open minded word.Please i
will put JED into prayer about his health.GOD my Lord
Almighty will heal off the head health problem he is
having in Jesus Name.

I never thought of going back to my country as the
pending ruling government of ROBERT MUGABE is still
and life is not save yet.My parent is no more alive.My
mother died in 1989,followed by my loving father
government opposition of ROBERT MUGABE.So life has
been bad without them around me.But my GOD will see me
through.

By profession i am a Technicians,During The WHITE
FARMERS & BLACK FARMERS struggle with the government i
was out of ZIMBABWE studing ENGINEERING in South
Africa.My final year my father was confirmed among the
government wanted list which resulted to his
assasination.BBC interviwed the President about the
White farmers & Black farm land confiscation.

My concern is proper investment of the cash value of
the (BONDED SHARE STOCK)which you & company will have
absolute control accordingly.Please kindly let me have
you phone so that communication will be secret and
freely as time is very important.

Discounting and Transfer to your USA account is under
24hours swift electronic confirmation by you to your
account.I really thank you RON for your quite
understanding and my GOD will see us through soon less
than 48hours when you contact the bank for the Stoping
and Discounting and subsequent Transfer of the cash
value of the stock to your USA account.

Which ever i know my life is save and my God is with
me.RON please extend my gratitude to JED tell him not
to worry much that GOD will heal him.He should put his
f aith and believe that he is well in Jesus name
Remain blessed.
Thanks

From: Jed Clampett [mailto:[email protected]]
Sent: Friday, May 28, 2004 4:07 PM
To: audu magashi
Subject: Re: WAITING FOR YOUR CONFIRMATION IMMEDIATELY PLEASE

Dear Audu,

Thank you for your concern about my uncle Jed. He is a good man, and I know that the Lord will smile upon him as he has for all of his 64 years. Don't worry; his health is not in danger. The mishap occurred when he was a young man, and Jed has had the great fortune to amass an impressive amount of money despite having very little formal education. (You would find it quite hard to believe how he became rich, so I think I shall save that story for another time.) For now, let's get down to business about you and those cocoa shares, OK?

Audu, my uncle Jed is a very generous and trusting man. He was, in fact, taken advantage of by a very wicked young woman some years ago who was not satisfied with his generous gifts of pearl necklaces. Since then, I have endeavored to look out for his financial well-being while still letting him give generously of his money and time. Surely you can see that I must be extremely cautious about those with whom we do business.

You will not be getting my phone number at this time; we are entering Memorial Day weekend here in the U.S., and I'm afraid I will be tied up (literally!) with several young ladies over the next three days. (As you shall soon find out, it's good to be Ron Jeremy!) Our offices will be closing shortly, and will not open again until Tuesday morning. While Uncle Jed is a hard-working man, he comes from a very humble background and values his relaxation time. However, this will give us time to work out details on getting you out of that refugee camp and into the money!

I am working on two details presently which can be handled there in Spain. First is setting up an account with Banque Suisse in Bilbao. If you can't trust a Swiss banker, whom can you trust? I need our financial executor, Milburn Drysdale, to work out the details at the Commerce Bank in Beverly Hills and set it up with the Swiss bank in Bilbao, since a sudden large influx of cash in Beverly Hills would cause the authorities to wet themselves. These details will be handled as quickly as possible; Mr. Drysdale's assistant, Jane Hathaway, is quite efficient. (And if you don't mind my saying so, she's pretty hot, too.)

The second is getting you out of that refugee camp. Did Uncle Jed tell you about my cousin Jethro who works for the Amsterdam Secret Service? As the Master of ASS, Jethro has the authority and the resources to handle any transfer of funds and personnel. Our first stop will be Madrid, then it's off to Bilbao to sign some papers and get you to America and livin' large.

While our company is involved primarily in commodities investment, I am certain that we or one of our affiliates could use a bright young technician like yourself with a background in engineering. I will require a picture of you before we commit to anything. This picture will serve several purposes: A) it will become part of your official VISA for transportation into the United States; B) it will serve as proof that you are who you say you are and not someone trying to cash in one someone else's shares; and C) it will let us know who to look for when we arrive in Madrid. Please follow my instructions closely; this is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT for security reasons:

1) The picture must be LARGE and CLEAR so we know it has not been digitally altered.

2) You must be holding up a secret password that only you and I know about. This will assure me that it is you, and will let Jethro enter you into the ASS files in Holland for clearance. Then no one can stop or question you again.
It needs to address Master Jethro at the A.S.S. bureau in Amsterdam. Please make the sign say in large black letters:

HELLO ASS MASTER

Please email me this photo here in Beverly Hills; once it is done to my satisfaction, Mr. Drysdale will complete the work with Banque Suisse and we will be in business!

Also, please appraise me of any processing fees in connection with your case. I know you have probably not wanted to offend us by bringing up transfer fees, but rest assured we understand this is how overseas business works and we want you to be completely honest with us and not worry. We are on your side.

Please take this long holiday weekend to take care of the photograph as specified. Again, Jed and I will be unavailable for three days, as will our bankers. Please relax, and know that your fate is in very capable hands and you will soon get all that you deserve.

Regards,

Ron Jeremy
VP, Clampett Investments Ltd.

Have a great weekend!!!

Posted: Sat May 29, 2004 12:49 pm

Im moving this thread to publish your work here.

It is a more appropriate forum.

Posted: Sat May 29, 2004 3:47 pm

Thank you, thank you, kind Mr. OZ BAITER, and know that I will keep you in my prayers. I am but a NOOB and am not yet familiar with all the modalities of this 100% RISK FREE venture which is completely LEGAL and SINCERE.

Embarassed

Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 4:55 pm

After sending him an email saying that everything would be closed over the Memorial Day holiday, I relaxed for the weekend. Sure enough, he was right at it this morning. The first email was to thank me for reminding him of the holiday, and to tell me that he and the other refugees got to turn on the TV and watch President Bush addressing the people of WASHINTON.

Another email (which was sent to Bulk Mail) was a photo: no sign or anything; just a black guy in what looked to be a basketball jersey.

Two other emails came in between: Here's the first, along with my reply...

audu magashi <[email protected]> wrote:
From Audu
Att:Ron/Jed

Sir

Your comprehensive correspondent is much appreaciated.
Please in regard to your uncle the Amsterdam Secret
Service? Jethro assistant in this pending issue.This
drew my memory back at the time of my late father
court probation on the farm land.The police officer
that was his DCO my father thought that he is
representing him on the matter under legal rule of
law.My father never new that the police officer was
doing another thing after obtaning statement he will
report a didferent thing until the court gave rule for
my father to hand over the land to the community
leader then?? in my local tribe zetani.The land in
question then was an inherited land from my greatgrand
father to my father.It is a history memory which my
father warned me to stay off to any matter for police
or any uniform men or women to assist or stand for me
in life for any thing .

Base on this please i dont think we need your uncle
assistant in Holland into this transaction.It is a
personal investment please.Morefurther there is no
need for opening account in spain.I met with the legal
department of the brokers while i opened up request to
know the posibility by financial law for the stock
after discounting.can the cash fund be transfer to an
account out side spain to my partners investors in
USA.It was legally in otder.So all you are to do
according to the BANK TO BANK transfer the cash value
will be transfer to your USA account through the
corresponding bank in Canada.

Information about this will be given to you as soon as
the discounting is consummated while you contact the
bank in canada and request for the fund either to be
there in your account with the bank in canada or to be
transfer out from canada to any option of account you
wishes.

Consequently on the issue of charges,here in spain i
make some personal money like 100 EUROS TO 300 EUROS
on each computer electronic component parts i do
assembles to some companies who seek professional hand
work under our camp here.At present i have a total
token sum of 1,975 Euros Cash with me which if need be
for me to pay a government lawyer to sign some
document on your behalf to enable the stoping /
discounting and subsequent transfer to your account in
USA i will use that money to pay the legal lawyer for
that.

My arrival to states will not be any problem at all
because when this fund is received in your account in
USA that is when i will apply for relocation of life
habitation to USA it is legally in the accord of the
UN Africa Refugee Programm.My travelling papers will
be granted legally here in spain by the zonal Un
office either from SWITZERLAND OR EU head office in
Brussels.So let that not worry you much i i can take
care of my coming which you are to wait for my arrival
either in New york or Direct to berverly.

My photo is for you to indentify me on arrival.I will
go out side the camp to scan it to you first thing my
time morning 1-6-2004.We have no computer scaner here
in the camp for such photo.

Dear Ron & Jed please this investment required your
personal and absolute control not much Third parties.
It is money matter and life, much exposes to non much
concern persons is not all that good for investment,
with the little idia i had about fund managment.
Remain blessed
Thanks

(Hmmm...this sounds suspicious. And the photo he sent wasn't at all what I was looking for. No sign, no customization at all; most likely a photo of someone else. In fact, the guy appeared to be wearing a basketball jersey. Anyway, I figured I should acknowledge his email while I think about what to ask for next...)

Dear Audu,

Your reluctance to work with military/uniformed personnel is duly noted and understood (barely). I was merely trying to help by enlisting the personal services of my nephew Jethro, a certified double-naught ("00") spy with many connections throughout Europe. But please understand that an MI6/ASS Master is not the corrupt sort of individual that your father had to deal with. He is paid handsomely for his services, wears a tuxedo instead of military fatigues, and drinks martinis and plays baccarat at the most elegant casinos in the world in the company of beautiful women. Jethro does not need to steal money from people, believe me.

So you are going to be flying to New York or Beverly Hills instead of us coming to Spain? How is this? And there is no transaction fee for me to pay? You are going to pay it yourself? I appreciate this willingness on your part, Audu, but there should be no need for you to bribe a government lawyer when we can fly out there on a private jet and conduct the transaction legally from the bank in Madrid to my account at Banque Suisse. (Have you ever tasted Swiss chocolate? It is exquisite. No one packs fudge like the Swiss, let me tell you.)

I am unclear as to why we must use a Canadian bank as an intermediary between your bank in Spain and the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills. Mr. Drysdale insists that an account at Banque Suisse in Bilbao will be the most convenient transaction and will hide the amount of shares and cash from the authorities. I am a very rich man, Audu, and I pay a lot of taxes to the greedy bastards in Washington. A transaction of this amount would result in a huge capital gains tax penalty here in the U.S., and would cost me much more than did the enormous pearl necklace I bestowed on Miss Hathaway over the weekend. (To tell you the truth, I'm still a little spent.)

I still haven't heard from Ron today. I think he had a little too much fun over the weekend; when I last spoke with him he was in the company of some blonde triplets at my friend Hugh Hefner's mansion. That scalawag!

Fondly,

Jed

(Just wait till Ron gets back in the office!)

Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 4:56 pm

This was the second email I received, just a few minutes after the first...

audu magashi <[email protected]> wrote:
From Audu
Att Ron/Jed
Sir

Please this is the required condition you are to state
in your letter headed company paper or a plain
sheet.According to the bank.Address as follows

TO THE BANK MANAGER
BANCO SANTANDER ESPONOL
MADRID SPAIN.

FROM RON/JED
ADDRESS USA.............
INVESTMENT PARTNERS
TO
MR SAMUEL MAGASHI & SON AUDU MAGASHI

SUBJECT:BONDED SHARE STOCK DISCOUNTING

I & COMPANY AS ABOVE HERE BY WISHE FOR THE CASH VALUE
OF THE INVESTED SHARE STOCK AT SUM OF USD$100 EACH PER
A SHARE OF 65,OOO BE TRANSFER TO THE NORMINATED
ACCOUNT THROUGH THE BANK TO BANK CORRESPONDENT TO THE
COMPANY ACCOUNT AS FOLLOWS

BANK INFOMATIONS..............................
..............................................
..............................................
..............................................

YOUR HAVE TO SIGN AND STAMP WHILE YOU SEND IT BACK
THROUGH SCAN SO THAT I WILL PRINT IT OUT AND TAKE IT
TO THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT TO FURTHER TO THE BANK.

THERE IS NO MUCH, AS SOON AS THIS IS DONE IT IS A
24HOURS DISCOUNTING WHICH FURTHER DETAILS OF THE FUND
WILL BE ADVICE SO THAT YOU FOLLOW UP WITH THE
CORRESPONDING BANK OVER THERE.

PLEASE LET ME HAVE THIS SOON.
REMAIN BLESSED

(Oh, I feel blessed, all right...)

Dear Audu,

I apologize for taking a little more time to respond to this email than to the previous one, but I have looked this over and shared it with Milburn Drysdale, and we have some concerns.

A) Who is the Bank Manager in Madrid?

B) You previously mentioned a Canadian bank. Where are they in this deal?

C) What is meant by "BANK INFOMATIONS"? Which bank's information?

D) $100 USD per share doesn't seem like much of a discount to me. I thought I was purchasing cocoa shares from you at a huge discount in exchange for my helping you to claim the money. What are the shares actually worth, and how much money do you get out of this deal once the shares are in my account at Commerce Bank?

Please answer my questions so we can work out the modalities and proceed on this mutually lugubrious deal.

Salaciously,

Jed

Jed Clampett
CEO, Clampett Investments Ltd.
"Bottom line sprung a leak? Clampett!"

Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 9:06 pm

Two separate emails came later:

audu magashi <[email protected]> wrote:
From Audu
Att Ron / Jed

Sir
Good day.I quite understood your reply.
Please i will want you to understand that TAX can not
be aviod.We must pay tax which is legal rule by the
government of USA.

Never mind as far as we invest we must gain and we
must pay our tax accordingly please.Investment of this
nature we must be transperant with laws ok

The canada bank is the affiliate correspondent to
which funds are transfer to an account.You will
contact them with the information after the fund is
confirmed with them.

The lawyer to sign some legal document with the
brokers is a legal part of it,As a lawyer concern
there will be no room for much questioning.

The total share per USD$ IS 65,000 Bonded Share Stock.
which when discounted you are to receive in your
account a total sum of USD$6,500.000 Dollars Only Plus
the interest accrude which will come of to round
figure of USD$7,000,000.

This the amount we are to invest by your control
advice.

Ron & Jed please we need to ensure that this
transaction is consummated this week please.

If you insist opening an account out side USA,because
we want to aviod paying Tax ,your wish is my command
.Before that You have to instruct the bank in canada
to transfer the fund out of their custody to the
choosen account you wish us to retain the fund
finally.
Thanks

(And the other:)

YOUR QUESTIONS

A) Who is the Bank Manager in Madrid?
ANSWER:The bank manager is the person to address the
letter to

B) You previously mentioned a Canadian bank. Where
are they in this deal?

ANSWER:The canada bank is the affiliate correspondent
through which fund are to be transfer to an account.

C) What is meant by "BANK INFOMATIONS"? Which bank's
information?

ANSWER:Where you want us to use to receive the fund
first of all.

D) $100 USD per share doesn't seem like much of a
discount to me. I thought I was purchasing cocoa
shares from you at a huge discount in exchange for
my helping you to claim the money. What are the
shares actually worth, and how much money do you get
out of this deal once the shares are in my account
at Commerce Bank?

ANSWER:No you are not buying any share from me rather
you are assisting me to invest/receive the already
invested share the cash fund after discounted.

Please answer my questions so we can work out the
modalities and proceed on this mutually lugubrious
deal.

ANSWER:The total share is 65,000 Bonded Share Stock,
at international rate USD$100 per a
share.Communication through phone direct word to word
would have been convinence thats why i requested for
your phoe to reach you any time.

Pleas get back quickly
Thanks
Audu

(Now Uncle Jed's gettin' a little pissed...)

Dear Audu,

I must admit I am terribly confused about this transaction, my son.

Yes, we must pay taxes. But I want to establish a Swiss bank account in Spain for my holdings before transferring them to by bank in Beverly Hills, and you tell me there is no need.

You tell me your money is in Spain -- which is why I want to work with the Swiss bank in Bilbao in the first place -- and now you tell me I have to instruct the bank in Canada to release the funds. You never told me about Canada. The Canadian banking system will alert the American banking system immediately if such a sum shows up there. I am a businessman and I know what I am doing. I am being advised by Milburn Drysdale, one of the top bankers in America, and I trust him with my life.

If this transaction is truly in my control as you say it is, then YOU should be the one to give me YOUR information so I can verify the existence of these shares and transfer them to the bank account of my choice.

When I asked who the bank manager in Madrid was, you told me he was the person to address the letter to. Well, no shit, Sherlock. I meant WHO is he? What is his name? My questions were answered in such a manner that I believe you do not know what you are doing. And to ensure that this transaction is properly executed, perhaps I need to deal with someone else who is more in tune with business modalities.

I believe you are paying too much for a lawyer to sign these papers. My lawyer, Don Vito Corleone, gets things done much more efficiently, and we could fly to Madrid and take care of these matters correctly without you paying these ridiculous legal fees out of your own pocket.

Lastly, Ron Jeremy contacted you with explicit instructions on having a photograph taken, and he said the photo did not follow his instructions, and he doubted whether it was genuine. I don't know all the details he asked for, but he emailed me from Hugh's mansion and told me he wasn't satisfied.

I am having great difficulty following through on this investment when so much is unclear, and the plate in my head is giving me great pain. I need to go lie down and have a shot of Granny's rheumatism medicine.

Always and forever,

Jed

Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2004 5:29 pm

Haven't heard back from Audu today; I think Jed may have scared him off. Time for a little reinforcement from Ron:

Dear Mr. Magashi,

I am back in the office today. I had to take yesterday off, as I was completely spent from the long Memorial Day weekend. My gonads were positively aflame after the strenuous activities at the mansion, but after a long day off and some warm compresses, I'm back in fine form.

Uncle Jed told me he emailed you yesterday and as of today he has not heard back. He seemed a bit upset when I talked to him, and he was lying down. He said you do not wish to work with my cousin Jethro on this deal although he can be in Spain at a moment's notice. Jed said you also wanted to speak with him on the phone, and you know that is not possible due to the metal plate in his cranium.

If you are serious about working with us on this deal, you need to provide the photograph with the secret password so I know who I am dealing with. I will then give you my office number so we can speak on the telephone. If you do not wish to work with Jethro the ASS Master, we can work around that, although it will cost our company some additional resources.

I have contacted Milburn Drysdale at the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills to begin work on the bank account, but I need a show of faith on your end. Please email me as soon as you possibly can.

Well, I have to go apply some more lotion. Au revoir...

Ron Jeremy
VP, Clampett Investments Ltd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2004 9:10 pm

This guy just ain't playin' along...

audu magashi <[email protected]> wrote:
From Audu
Att:Ron

Dear,
Infact i was some how angry after all my open
correspondents.First of all i have sent my photo check
your email box you will down load it out under
microsoft word.

Jed emailed me this morning stating that you RON is
not willing.I also answered the few question JED
requested i hope you might have read a copy of email.

What i want and the best way to this transaction is
very easy unless you guys dont want to be trustworthy
to me.I dont like much repeat of word to word.i am not
good to such please i have explained very well about
this STOCK

The total BOND IS 65,000 sold at 100$ per share then
which after the discounting you are to receive
$6,500,000 Dollars only + 500,000$ interest making it
a total sum of $7,000,000 .This is what you are to
receive in your account.

JED was running because of TAX which i told him that
tax is general rule of law by each country government
there is no way tax can be avioded we must pay our
tax.

So please gentle men if really you wish to assist in
this cause no matter what may be spent on tele
comunication or tax we stand to gain when invested ok.

Let me have the telephone so that we can run up
further issue through phone.
Thanks

Date: Wed, 2 Jun 2004 14:08:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Ron Jeremy" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book
Subject: Re: PLEASE REPLY QUICK
To: "audu magashi" <[email protected]>

Dear Audu,

I know you are frustrated...but you must know how we also feel. Yes, you sent a photo. Jed's daughter Ellie thought the man in the photo was incredibly handsome; in fact, I thought the man was a little TOO handsome, and was perhaps a model or athlete taken from the Internet. The problem is that the person in the photo is NOT HOLDING THE SECRET PASSWORD so I can be assured of authenticity. Uncle Jed has been deceived before; I told you this in privacy and confidence. And I told you that I cannot give out my private phone number without your show of faith.

If I give out my phone number to anyone who asks, Clampett Investments could be scammed by unsavory thieves who fake documents and run collect-call scams from Asia and Africa. We had to destroy Ellie's cell phone after she gave out her number to a man she met on the Internet. She is a beautiful girl, but not terribly bright. Ellie Mae says we should trust you...but I am not so sure. And I told you how Jed has been deceived...yet you do not take my security demands seriously.

We stand to gain much from this transaction, Audu, and so do you. This is why we must trust each other. You keep asking for my phone number, but I do not see why these things must take place without written record (email). You ask me for bank information, yet you offer no proof of shares or proof of identity. I am beginning to think you do not respect us. Show me the money, Audu; SHOW ME THE MONEY. Show me the picture WITH THE PASSWORD. Then you will get my phone number. Then you will get the bank information. And then we can all have a lot of money. But for now I am clenching my cheeks.

Ron Jeremy

Guest

Top notch stuff. Do you have a plan for your little pet? Twisted Evil

Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 4:13 pm

Thanks! No, no concrete plan; I figured I'd just bait him along and see where it goes. But I thought introducing Ellie Mae might just inject a little romantic interest into the deal. So far, though, he's just not getting it. Here's how his mail starts, and the "ASS" reference is at the beginning. There's no photo. I'm getting a little pissed off, but I haven't yet replied...

Code:Master Jethro at the A.S.S. bureau in Amsterdam.
From Audu
Att:Ron

Thanks.The money 7m$ is the total sum you are to
receive in your account.After the discounting it will
be transfer through the canada bank.The contact
information will be given to you to complete the rest
while the fund swift to your account.

When i receive your account the lawyer have to write a
request order to stop the trading.The brokers through
the bank will honor the mandate.

your bank information will be included in the manifest
order to the canada bank and confirm you as the legal
beneficiary to the stock fund.

This transaction is under 48hours with your follow up
with the canada bank the fund will be in your choosen
account.

So my dear let put off sentiment no matter i am an
African i also believe that the history of USA to day
has a black African back ground.I am much concer for
better tomorrow and trust for ever.

Yes i do agree with you about scams and frauds around
the world.i dont think my God will let me meet bad
people to cheat my life no.

I await to receive the information so that the lawyer
will set up record request for further proceeds.
Thanks

(WTF was that? This guy is dumber than a bag of hammers.)

Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 5:57 pm

Audu,

Again you misunderstand me. The password (code) is:

Hello ASS Master

And it is not to appear on the subject line of the email; it is to be on a sign which YOU hold up in your PHOTOGRAPH so we know it is YOU we are dealing with and not some photo taken off the Internet.

I also do not have evidence of the existence of the cocoa shares, but I suppose if I have your photograph -- with the proper PASSWORD -- then I guess I will believe you for now.

When I receive this verification from you I will send to you my phone number and we will work out the bank information.

Please do not think I hold any ill sentiments toward you; Jed and I have simply grown frustrated with your not following our instructions which we require of anyone with whom we do international business. It is not that we do not like you; in fact, Jed's daughter Ellie Mae wishes for me to send you her picture, but I told her that we do not yet know for sure whether the picture you sent us is really you. If you send us the picture WITH THE PASSWORD, we shall know and we will trust you.

This needs to happen fairly soon; I am boarding a plane to Lagos on Saturday to hunt Pterodactyls and to investigate the possibility of an investment with a Mr. Ude from the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation. I am not sure he is 100% legitimate, but we shall see if he passes the ASS Master test first.

Regards,

Ron Jeremy
VP, Clampett Investments Ltd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Posted: Fri Jun 04, 2004 1:52 pm

Well, the mention of Mr. Ude from NNPC didn't seem to get a rise out of him, nor did the prospect of meeting Ellie Mae...and to top it off, the dumbass today sends me THE SAME PHOTO AS BEFORE with the subject line "Hello ASS Master." Time to get pissed...

Audu,

I am growing increasingly frustrated. You have NOT followed my detailed instructions, and I do not believe I can trust you any longer. AGAIN you have misunderstood my instructions, or else you choose to ignore them, or else you are simply playing games with me.

These were the instructions:

The password (code) is: Hello ASS Master

The code is NOT to appear on the subject line of the email; it is to be ON A SIGN WHICH YOU hold up in your PHOTOGRAPH so we know it is YOU we are dealing with and not some photo taken off the Internet. In other words, you must have a NEW PHOTO taken of you holding the sign with the secret code. What you have done is attach THE SAME PHOTO, which is probably a handsome athlete or model taken from the Internet, and put the password as the subject line of the email, which is what I told you specifically NOT to do.

I do not believe you understand me well enough for us to do business with one another, and I think I will have to call this relationship off.

Thank you for your interest in Clampett Investments, Audu. We wish you good luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Ron Jeremy

Posted: Mon Jun 07, 2004 8:39 pm

Well, I think I may have scared this mugu off, so it's time for a little softer touch...

Quote:

Dear Audu,

I have never written to you before, but I know you have been in touch with my father Jed and my cousin Ron Jeremy. I don't know if one of them got angry and scared you away, but I saw the picture you sent and I did not want you to stop writing. I think you are a very strong, handsome man, and I have secretly been wishing you would come to America and work for my father's company, where I am employed as a secretary.

I have had terrible luck with boyfriends, and have never been able to find a man who will treat me like the lady I am. I am attaching a picture in the hope that you find me attractive.

Please write back!

Ellie Mae Clampett

Posted: Tue Jun 08, 2004 8:40 pm

What is this guy, a prude???

Quote:

From Audu
Att :Ellie

Hi
Dear How are you i can see you are looking ok.Well yes
i had a contact with your dad and your dads uncle
Ron,but it seems that my open minded feelings could
not work us along to be a life partners as regard to
my contact interest investment through their control
and advice.

I consider it not much to disturbe my life.Ron partly
told me about you.But my concern is to assist me
receive sum small fund my late father invested here in
spain i am now .

But due to much misunderstaning distrust may be from
Ron or your DAd we could not further well.
So i am confused to contact any other person yet and
dont want to open my secret life to any how person i
thought your dad will be of a life assistant partner
so that i will finally fly over to USA to live the
rest of my life.

Your photo is cool but why?? did you open up your body
in such away. it is not too good ok.Try not to show
just like that your body openly common to any how men
ok but mine is apart.I have had contact to your
dad.But never mind.

I will like to meet you any time i am able to be in
USA for the rest of my life.I like you as a fellow
human beign but if it is the wish of god for us to
meet we shall ok.

can you call me or can i call you if yes call me ok.
With lot of love my regard to all
Audu
0034 665 170 442

Sheesh...if a chick had sent me that back when I was single and plying the Internet personals I would have been her slave.

Posted: Tue Jun 08, 2004 9:02 pm

Dear Audu,

I'm sorry if my picture offended you; it was probably stupid of me to send that revealing photo when I don't even know you. It was taken a couple of years ago at a modeling shoot for a fashion magazine article on daughters of wealthy people: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Chelsea Clinton and others. I will attach another one that is not so offensive.

In the meantime, I cannot call you. Dad will be upset with me if I try to do "other" things while he is trying to do business, and Ron Jeremy handles all the business affairs.

I do not know why they were upset with you. Ron said something about a photograph you were supposed to send which was not done properly, and he said if you could not understand the language he was not going to waste his time. If you want me to, I can talk with Ron and have him give you another chance. He has been to Africa many times and he knows that many people do not understand English well. I think he will listen to me; he often gets sore back muscles and he gets very relaxed when I give him a handjob.

In the meantime, I know that if you can get the photo done correctly my father will still do business with you. I'll work on Ron...believe me.

Love,

Ellie

(I attached a normal head shot of Charlize Theron. Hope she's cute enough for him...)

Master Baiter Joined: 11 Mar 2004 Posts: 207

Sudsman :

One suggestion (for others as well). If you are going to play a not-naked/ naked picture plot, then try going to one of the many photographic model sites. Often you'll find peoples' portfolios with clothed and unclothed portions.

An example is http://www.musecube.com

Just a suggestion.

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 2:00 pm

I'm using mainly voyeurweb.com (NSFW...not safe for work!) for those kinds of pics. The best thing is that they are actual amateur pics, so they're not set up like they're in a studio. IMO, that adds credibility.

Master Baiter Joined: 11 Mar 2004 Posts: 207

Hmm, that's a good point tritium. I am assuming however, that voyeurweb.com is not work suitable. Question

With the model sites, you can often find what is called, "artistic" photos. This is code for scantilly-clad/see-through/damn-close-to-fully-nude.

An alternative may be to bait as a model. E.g, "I'm just a bored, famous, fabulously-wealthy supermodel who has too much time on his/her hands between shoots in far-off exotic places such as Cote D'Ivoire and Lagos. I need some excitement in my life. Tell me how I can help you transfer several trillion dollars of over-invoices out of your third world country."

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 4:32 pm

Thanks for the advice, guys...

Well, Ellie heard back from Audu, and he sure is sticking to his guns.

Quote:

To: "Ellie Mae Clampett" <[email protected]>

From Audu
Att Ellie

Well i quite understood your word.at the same time iam not willing to continue with Ron further.

as i can not consummate this transaction with your dadwhom i hope to .
I have kept this pending now till i can see some onetrusted.It took me time and several consultation tomeet your dads name and contact email.

i went through international consultant info to havehis contact as among the reliable company & person toinvest on.
thats why i did contact your dad but it fails me.

I thank you for your understanding for accepting yourfault.

Remain Blessed.
Yours ever
Audu

Well, needless to say, Jed is mighty impressed!

Quote:

Dear Audu,

I am sorry for what has happened in our business relationship. My daughter Ellie Mae has talked to me about giving you another chance, and she said she felt Ron had been very hard-on you.

I also have noted that you have treated Ellie with respect despite the fact that she sent you a rather revealing photo of herself. Let me say that you passed the test of integrity, my son. As a result, I have removed Ron from your case and have reassigned him to other investments. Please understand that he really is a good businessman who is only looking out for my best interests.

Now that we are back on track, Audu, we must exchange the proper information. It is still Clampett Investments company policy to require positive identification via photo and secret password. However, since you indicated you do not like working with police or military, we will NOT require you to address Jethro at ASS in Holland. Instead, the documents will be verified by the head of our law firm, Don Vito Corleone. He is Ellie Mae's Godfather, and I trust him like family.

I will also change the password just for you -- and please realize that I have never done this for anyone. And because I feel you are almost a son to me, I will tell you of a nickname I had as a child that almost no one knows of today. When I was a young child I used very bad language and my mother would wash my mouth out with soap until suds came out of my mouth. Because this happened quite often, my brothers and sisters called me Sudsman. That is my secret name, and no one outside my family knows it.

Please have a photograph taken of you holding a sign that says "SUDSMAN IS KING." When the photo is verified by Vito Corleone, I will direct Milburn Drysdale at the Commerce Bank to release all private bank information.

Thank you, my son, and I am deeply sorry for Ron's behavior. In fact, I'm so angry with him that I thought of having you hold up a sign that says "RON JEREMY DID MY ARSE." (That is a school-boy insult in California.) In fact, either sign would do very nicely.

Fondly,
Jed

Jed Clampett
CEO, Clampett Investments Ltd.
"Bottom line sprung a leak? Clampett!"

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 7:32 pm

This guy is really wearin' me out, man...

Quote:

audu magashi <[email protected]> wrote:
From Audu
Att:Jed

Thanks for your reply.Please if we are to proceed,I
dont want any pass word or secret word.you and i is
the secret to this transaction .

So therefore if really you are real to life please let
go to the point.and lets have this fund receive by you
please.
Thanks

One last try before I send him one of those nasty links...or perhaps Ellie Mae as bathing-lady...
Twisted Evil

Quote:

Audu,

Please understand where I am coming from, my son. I will explain this in simple logic:

A) I have no proof that this fund exists other than your word.

B) I would be comfortable accepting your word as truth if I had proof that you are who you say you are.

C) All you have given me is a photograph which could easily be of anyone and is unidentifiable.

The Native Americans say that a man's word is evident in his face.

All I am asking for is a simple photograph which will positively identify you as you; in other words, it cannot be faked. If you hold up the secret password, I will know the man in the photo is you.

If you cannot produce the photograph, then I will need documented proof of the existence of the fund. Surely that is not too much to ask, Audu.

Sincerely,

Jed

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 2:19 am

Oops, forgot to mention that. Voyeurweb.com is definitely not safe for work! That is, unless your job involves browsing for porn. Wink

I've edited my post above to indicate that the site is NSFW. Thanks for the heads-up on that.

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