Enter the Anus (2/28: Game Over!)

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Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:18 pm

Let me ask you a question: What do you think is the lowest rated/worst movie listed at imdb.com?

If you're like me, you might have guessed Plan 9 From Outer Space or any of Ed Wood's other masterpieces of shlock. Any movie with Matt LeBlanc would have to be a strong contender as well. And of course, I still haven't forgiven Mrs. Flynt for making me sit through all 8 hours (or did it just seem that way?) of Legends of the Fall just so she could ogle Brad Pitt. Speaking of which, Meet Joe Black was no prize pig either.

Yes, my friends, you might guess all these movies but you would still be wrong. Very, very wrong.

The lowest rated movie on the most authoritative movie website IMBD.com is... something from 2003 called Anus Magillicutty. I have never seen this film, nor am I really planning on seeing it. But there is just something about the title that makes me laugh. In fact, for the purposes of baiting, I shall become Anus Magillicutty!

The Cast:
Larry Flynt...................Crippled Pornographer
Jurgen Sterk................Dying Plutocrat Who Now Wants To Shower Hurricane Katrina Survivors With His Largesse
Anus Magillicutty...........Chief Financial Officer, Hustler Publishing Inc.
Barr Curtis Davis..........Legal Representation for Jurgen Sterk
Damien Thorne...........Legal Representation for Larry Flynt and the Anti-Christ
Meatnozzle (?)................l33t haxx0r extraordinaire. Fluent in pidgin Igbo for some reason.

Quote:

From: "JURGEN STERK"
Subject: MY WISH
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 2006 12:19:00 +0000

Hello,
My name is JURGEN STERK, a Swedish national I have been diagnosed
with Esophageal cancer .It has defiled allforms of medical
treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live,
according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived mylife
so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my
business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always
hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the
only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that
there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the
money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to
come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I
have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given
most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family
members as well as a few close friends .I want God to be merciful to
me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity
organizations, as I wantthis to be one of the last good deeds I do
on earth. So far, I have Distributed money to some charity
organizations in the U.A.E, Somalia and Malaysia. Now that my health
has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once
asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and
distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in
Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to
themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to
be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money
which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of Twenty Eight
Million dollars($28,000,000,00) that I have with a finance/Security
Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and
despatch it to charity organizations.
Kindly note that 20% of this funds must go to the tsunami
victims,10% should go to the victims of Katrina huricane in the
United States of America and another 5% for your effort. Then the
65% will go to other charity organisation around the world..
Please note that all correspondence as regards this project should
be directed to my private mail box.
Email:[email protected]
await your prompt response.
Thanks,
JURGEN STERK

Quote:

Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 06:26:03 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Re: MY WISH
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected], [email protected]

Dear Jurgen Steak:

Sorry to hear about the whole cancer of the esophageal. But don't worry, for I am Larry Flynt, noted magazine publisher and philantropist! I am very good in business and can help you redistribute your wealth so all the welfare brood mares in New Orleans (or, as they call themselves in their new tourist literature, Chocolate City(TM)!!!) can have new plasma screens to placate their fatherless undersized progeny.

Please let me know your intentions soonest!

Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 15:56:43 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: my pictures
To: l_flynt

Dear Larry Flynt,

First i must thank you for you quick response to my e-mail,hoping that this will bring good will to mankind. My reason for contacting you is that I have been greatly disappointed by my family members they have failed to carry out all the insructions I gave to them when I shared all my assets to them. As write you this mail they have all abandoned me in the hospital. The most painful aspect is my wife , I hear that she is now having an affair with another man, she could not even wait for me to die.

I am happy that my wish is about to be carried out, since my immediate family has decided to act wickedly, I have sworn that they shall not know about this money. It must go to charity so that I can make peace with my soul.

I have attached to this mail pictures of me in the hospital.
I need you to reassure me that you can handle this project and that you promise to distribute the money to charity
organisations especialy the tsunami victims. I have been very rude to people all my my life, that is the reason why I want to do a little good so that I can have peace with my soul and also when I die at least it will be on record that I helped changed somebody's life for good.
As soon as I hear from you, I will send to you contact details of security company where this funds are deposited to enable you open correspondence with them.
I would have loved to speak with you, but unfortunately this cancer has made it almost impossible for me to speak . I feel serious pain
each time I want to speak. We can always communicate through the e- mail. I wil try to give you a call.Please answer this question what kind of work do your do?
Please note that I do not intend to cause you any problems, this money belongs to me, all you need to do is to help me distribute it as I have instructed . At this stage in my life I cannot do anything that will put anybody in trouble.
The doctors informed me that I have very few weeks to live, so you can see why I am desperate to conclude this project before I pass away. kindly send to me any valid identifiaction of you.Please note that my son Jurgen Sterk(jr) will write and read your mails to me he will give you all necessary informations as regards this project he is just 14 years old and he is with here in the hospital this is so because i can not do much from my sick bed.Kindly send to me your mobile phone number.

I hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks,
Jurgen Sterk.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 16:01:40 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: urgent
To: l_flynt666

i as well need your scanned international passport or driverse license to keep in record for my attorney and for my file too.
this is urgent

Quote:

Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 14:55:45 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Hello, Jurgen!
To: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]>

Dearest Stork:

I know what it means to be disappointed by your family members. My brother Jimmie almost drove Hustler, Inc into the ground back when I was popping Vicodin and locked in my bedroom for 18 months while my wife snorted coke off her stripper girlfriend's tits. Unfortunately my wife Althea later died in an unspeakable bathing-lady accident after mixing heroin with Jagermeister and Senokot (I think the rhyme goes "liquor before smack, it all goes black" but I might be wrong). I'm no stranger to illness myself, having been shot in the back by one of Bob Guiccione's henchmen and thus confined to a wheelchair. I also need twice weekly supplements of tungsten to live.

As you have no doubt surmised, I am in the publishing business. My company puts out quality periodicals read by millions around the world. Hustler, Barely Legal, Shaved and Highlights for Children are some of our titles.

Its really inspiring that despite you not being able to talk, you still want to give me a phone call. If you want to call me, I suggest we get a system for communication down. One breathy grunt for "yes" and two for "no" should pretty much cover it. Call me at 206-495-6510.

Hang in there, big fella! You'll whip that cancer yet!
Sincerely,
Larry Flynt

^^^That phone number is for a free K7.net account.

Quote:

Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 10:20:32 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: INFO
To: l_flynt666

I CAN'T TALK BUT I WANT TO GIVE IT TO MY ATTORNEY. BUT IN ANY WAY, CONTACT MY ATTORNEY BAR. Curtis Davis on email address : [email protected] FOR PROPER DOCUMENTATION OF MY WISH AND WILL.
THANKS

Quote:

Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 10:53:57 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Let us proceed!!!
To: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]>

Dearest Steak:

Yes, I agree that we should give it to your attorney, preferably in the mangina. I have already consulted with my CFO (that's a Chief Financial Officer), a reliable man by the name of Anus Magillicutty who can handle the legal modalities of our transaction. I will be contacting both your bannister and Anus later this afternoon to get the arrangements going.

On another note, I couldn't help but notice your debilitated state from the pictures you sent me. Is the lady at your bedside your 14 year old nephew? If so, is he seeing somebody for his hormone problems? Because I too am handicapped, I enlisted the aid of a helper monkey to assist with my daily chores. I would really reccomend this modality to anybody in our "handi-capable" situation! I have some names and numbers of helper monkey trainers who could place a lovable fuzzball with razor sharp canine teeth in your hospital room. Usually its this or the old ebola labratory and rectal probes for the monkey, so you would really be doing it and yourself a huge favor. Check out their website: http://www.helpinghandsmonkeys.org/

I have enclosed to pictures of myself. The older black and white picture is me (on the left) and my brother Jimmie before I was shot by Bob Guiccione. The newer one is me in an understatedly classy tux for a NAMBLA fundraiser last year. Those were all good times.

Anyway, keep plugging along and don't let the cancer get you down!

Sincerely,
Larry Flynt

I'm still feeling guilty about involving Helping Hands Monkeys. They seem like a nice enough charity, even if the thought of having an ebola-infected shit-flinger touch my toothbrush gives me the willies.

Quote:

Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 10:59:06 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Jurgen Steak's will
To: [email protected]

Dearest Curtis Chambers:

My name is Larry Flynt. I am very good in business. Your client wants me to distribute the money that he earned from a life of avarice and nihilistic hedonism to various charities such as NAMBLA.

Anyway, he told me to write you and ask for his will. He sent me pictures of his pathetic state. Do you think cancer of the esophageal is bad? I hope not!

I also want to get the CFO (he's a chief financial officer!) of my company, Hustler, Inc. involved in this transaction. I will have him email you later today or first thing tomorrow. He is very nice.

Thanks,
Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 14:13:20 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Your will
To: [email protected]

Dear Jurgen:

I am the CFO of Hustler, Inc., a local publishing company founded and run by my boss, Larry Flynt. Larry is very good at business, as I am sure you can tell. However, his prescription pain killer addiction can often make him somewhat incoherent, especially when communicating by email. I assure you that he is 100% sincere about distributing your wealth via charities both here in the United States and abroad. Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns.

Sincerely yours,
Anus Magillicutty
CFO, Hustler Incorporated

Quote:

Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 10:42:11 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: REQUIREMENT
To: l_flynt666

Dear Larry,

Thanks for your interest in the wish of our client, a phillantropist Mr Jurgen Sterk who is presently at sick bed.
It is true that he wrote us informing us to draw an agreement between both of you that his money must be use according to his wish.
Apart from the fact that you have so far according to you sent your scanned passport to mr Jurgen Sterk, we on our own we want to have the followings from you to keep in our records for sake of transparency and equity.
1. A scanned copy of international passport/driverse license.
2.Contact address
3.Address of place of work
4.Age
5.Affidavit
6. tel/fax numbers
All this we require from you to enable us prepare the agreement and to as well file a copy in the court registry.
The legalisation and Authourisation fee is four thousand six hundred and fifty us dollars ($4,650) payable through my clerk (Wesley Harry), 147 davis close, london united kingdon.
Break down $2650 documentation
$1000 court filing and registry
$1000 notery chrges.
We do hope you understand this.
Thanks
Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 12:00:06 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: SV: Your will
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Dear Anus,
Please send scanned copy of your international passport and ask Larry to do same before finally making him the sole administrator of my will. I have since demanded that from him, but to my greatest supprise, nothing of such has been recieved from him. I suggest you advise him because i want to be sure of what am doing.

Regards

Quote:

Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 12:19:35 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: SV: Let us proceed!!!
To: l_flynt666

Dear Larry,
I have told your financial oficer what to do. Be free to always ask me question in any part of decision you are confuse about. All you need do is to contact my attorney and sign all the necessary documents that will empowered you as regard this wish of mine.

I need no monkey because the world is almost coming t0 an end from my side.

regards

Quote:

Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 07:39:21 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Re: REQUIREMENT
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Cuntis Davis!

Blessings of the season to you! Mr. Jurgen Sterk is apparently a very sick man. You said he has a will? Can you give me a copy of the will so that I can give it to Anus? I'd really like to see want he wants to use the money for exactly and maybe negotiate with him before he assumes room temperature. It is too easy to throw money away on false "charities" here in the United States. Once I wrote a check to Save the Children for $10,000 but congressional hearings later proved that Save the Children was actually a front company for a ring of Chinese pirates who trade children for opium. I put the blame squarely on Sally Struthers. I'm also still waiting for my Teiko sports watch.

Since I am in a wheelchair and paralyzed from the waist down, I haven't renewed my driver's license which expired in 1981, having been shot by either Bob Guiccione or Jerry Fallwell in 1977. Please exercise a little more sensitivity in the future for my cripple status! However, my chaffuer Jeffrey Dahmer has a driver's license but I canned his ass after he backed into a schoolbus full of Scientologists and scratched up my hot pink Bentley with the leopard skin seats. Long story short, the car has been in the shop for the past 5 weeks and I don't have a driver's license.

For the other shit you need-

My home address is:
69 Traci Lords Avenue
Chingatumadre, California 90210

My work address is:
Hustler Publications Inc.
419 Hershey Highway, Suite 666
Beaver View, California 90269

I'm 62 years young and what the fuck is an affidavit? I'll call Anus later today and ask what that is supposed to be.

Super thanks!
Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 07:51:03 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Let's get our modalities together!
To: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]>

Hi Jurgen!

Blessings of the neoplasm to you! Have you gotten that cancer licked yet? Did the doctors figure out how you got it? I read in Us Magazine last week that cancer of the esophageal is usually caused by drinking lye or fellatiating donkeys. Don't despair, because medical science has all kinds of cures just around the corner! The bad part is that most are being blocked by Dick Cheney, probably so that he can live on after his death as a disembodied brain in a jar and kill kittens using his hideous robot arms, all to make obscene profits for Halliburton! Well, that's what the sweaty fat pederast Michael Moore said anyway.

I can't understand why you don't want a helper monkey! After I was shot by Bob Guiccione or one of his "Pets of the Year" in 1977, I was addicted to pain killers and smack. Although my late wife Althea could have helped me, she was usually passed out in a pool of her own excretia after a three day angel dust bender. The only thing that helped me through those dark times was my helper monkey, Spanky. Sure, he had titanium electrodes sticking out of his skull that were embedded in his hippocampus, but dammit that monkey stood by me when nobody else would! And when I was much better after months of rehab, we served Spanky up with a delicious raspberry sauce! It was to die for!

Let me know how your world is going!
Love,
Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:30:42 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Indentification pending
To: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]>

Dear Jurgen:

I have instructed our IT department to provide you with scans of Larry and I's indentification. However, does it not make more sense to provide your attorney with this information than yourself?

Sincerely,
Anus

Quote:

Date: Thu, 26 Jan 2006 09:53:17 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: HOW CAN?
To: l_flynt666

DEAR LARRY?

I have to first of all find out from my client mr Jurgen Sterk whether to release his will to you even when you have not yet perfected the agreement formalities.

I suppose all the documents would have been made available to you after you are finally made the beneficiary/ sole administrator and distributor of mr Jurgen's will and wish.

Am forwarding a copy to Jurgen as well immediately letting him know what you are asking for.

Quote:

Date: Thu, 26 Jan 2006 11:06:07 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: GOOD
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Good provide my attorney with the scanned identification cards.

I'm so proud of my little modality here... funny, but he never mentions it later on!

Quote:

Date: Thu, 26 Jan 2006 07:25:04 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: ID's and Mr Stork's will
To: [email protected]

Dear Curtis Davis:

Compliments of the season to you! My name is Anus Magillicutty, Chief Financial Officer of Hustler Publishing Inc, the company that Mr. Larry Flynt has been CEO and president of since its founding in 1974.

I have been instructed to send you our identifications, and you will find them included here as email attachments. Additionally, legal counsel here at Hustler has advised me that you need to provide us with a copy of Mr. Jurgen Stuck's will so that we may evaluate what exactly the funds are to be used for. Please send me a copy as soon as it is convenient.

I have been advised of the required fees and am currently making arrangements for fund disbursement.

If I can be of help in any other capacity, please let me know.

Sincerely,
Anus Magillicutty
CFO Hustler Publishing Inc.

<<ATTACHMENT REMOVED BY U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY- drivlicmagillicutty.pdf 32kb>>

<<ATTACHMENT REMOVED BY U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY- passportflynt.pdf 52kb>>

Quote:

Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 14:01:36 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: UPDATE
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Hello Anus,

I believe all is well with you and family? I want to know how far you have gone with my attorney Barr. Curtis Davis on the issue of the agreement.

Regards

Quote:

Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 14:18:17 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: I HAVE ASKED MY ATTORNEY SENT YOU MY WILL
To: l_flynt666

Hello Larry,

I have asked my attorney sent you a copy of my will.
regards

Quote:

Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 13:03:52 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: A COPY OF MY WILL
To: "Anus Magillicutty" <[email protected]>

Please find below a copy of mr Jurgen's will.

Cuntis sends me the following unreadable bullshittery (original resolution):

Its the weekend, so Hustler's offices are closed until Monday. My lad starts getting nervous.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 08:51:31 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: REQUIREMENT
To: l_flynt666

Dear Larry,

Hope you got my Client's will i sent to you last two days?

regards

Quote:

Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 08:51:55 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: HOPE YOU GOT THE WILL COPY'S
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Dear Anus,

Hope you got my Client's will i sent to you last two days?

regards

Quote:

Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 07:43:09 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Hi DAvis!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Barr Curtis Davis:

No, I didn't get your client's will. I saw Anus this morning and he said something about it being illegible and was going to consult with our IT people on the matter. Did you get our ID's ok? Anus said there might be a problem with the federal government on outgoing overseas transmissions of personally identifiable information. I don't have all of Anus's fancy schooling or SAT scores and shit so I am not sure what that means. Despite all that, I am very good in business. I'm surprised I didn't ask this before, but what is the address of your chambers? Like, if I wanted to send you a pizza or strippers for all your hard work on Sterk's behalf? Well, got to run. I have a 10:00 appointment with Ginger Lynn and Jenna Jameson that I can't miss!

Your pal,
Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 15:55:17 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: Hi DAvis!
To: l_flynt666

Dear Larry,

my address is 21bute street, manchester england. when am i expecting the legal fee?

regards

Any of you Brits familiar with that neighborhood? Does it have a solid lad demographic? Laughing

Quote:

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 15:05:57 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: ATTENTION
To: l_flynt666

Dear Larry, Its been three days now since i sent you and Anus my clients wish without hearing from you, your intended plans towards carrying out my client's jurgen sterk wish.

Regards

Quote:

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 15:08:13 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PLANS
To: "Anus Magillicutty" <>

Hello Anus,
please let me know when am expecting your plans towards my client's wish and will. I have sent you guys my client's wish since three days now which Larry confirmed.
regards

Quote:

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 08:48:27 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Please resend the will
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Bannister Curtis Davis:

Please understand that the offices here at Hustler are closed on Sundays as Mr. Flynt is a very religious man and keeps the sabbath day holy. While I did recieve your scans of the will, they were of such a poor quality as to be essentially unreadable. At your earliest convenience, please have your staff rescan and resend the will. I asked Mr. Gary Busey, vice-chairman of our IT department what you might want to consider doing different. He thought that your problem largely stems from incompatible Linux drivers or an unstable Windows ME kernel. For what its worth, Gary reccomended re-compiling your kernel using Red Hat 3.5 and purging your dll library with OS/2 Warp general fault protection and a 6502 CMOS.

As much as I would like to persue Mr. Sterk's will further, our legal team has given me the order to halt any further action until a legible copy of the will is made available.

If I can help in any way, please let me know.
Anus

Quote:

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 09:33:00 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: I have wonderful news!
To: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]>

Dearest Jurgen!

Metastatic blessings of the season! I have wonderful news for you! I was able to talk to some old friends of mine that I used to play Parcheesi with at the club who now work for the Centers for Disease Control this weekend. We were discussing cancers and new types of treatments for them. That's when I began discussing your case with them; they didn't seem too hopeful for you, pointing out that cancer of the esophageal is a long, painful, tortuous death. I said that you had no family and that even God had forsaken you. My friend Dr. Dick Lipshitz said that they have developed new treatments that not only slow cancer of the esophageal but can erase it entirely! Isn't that fantastic? The only problem is that it is still experimental and illegal to use on non-US citizens. By the time it gets approved, you'll be worm food which is just so ironic. Anyway, I told them about how badly you wanted a monkey and Dr. Lipshitz said that they have quite a few monkeys in biohazard level 4 who aren't going to live much past two weeks- kinda like you! Dr. Lipshitz agreed to ship you one of them to be your helper monkey in your last pain filled days on earth!

You need to remember that while the monkey he is planning on shipping hasn't necessarily been "trained" as a helper monkey, it has been trained to present a leg for blood draws using a series of painful rectal shocks. I told Lipshitz, "good enough for government work!" and he agreed to send you FU21451, nicknamed "Bitey" by the lab techs! We even have a picture of him getting ready for a nasogastric dose of phenylcyclohexylpiperidine- isn't he adorable? And the best part is that he will probably die about the same time you do from the massive load of filviri he's been injected with so you won't have to try and find a home for him after you've assumed room temperature!

If you want to know more about how to take care of Bitey, I would refer you to rainbowprimates.com! They are a wonderful resource! One last question, should we ship him to your attorney or directly to you at the hospital?

Thanks!
Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 19:02:06 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: SV: I have wonderful news!
To: l_flynt666

Thanks Mr Larry,
I dont need any kind of monkey.

apparently to emphasize the point...

Quote:

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 19:02:32 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: SV: I have wonderful news!
To: l_flynt666

Thanks Mr Larry,
I dont need any kind of monkey.if i had wanted one, i would have bought with my money.

regards

Quote:

Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2006 11:25:17 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.co.uk. Learn more
Subject: The will re send
To: "Anus Magillicutty" "Larry Flynt"

Hello Anus and Larry,
My client illness has increased so we need to act on time.
Barr. Curtis Davis

Asshole just resends the same thing. Fucker.

Quote:

Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2006 13:48:48 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Documents are still unacceptable.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Bannister Curtis Davis:

I did receive your re-sent scans of the will today. Unfortunately, they remain largely illegible and unacceptable for legal purposes.

Please have your staff take extra care to rescan the documents at a higher resolution and re-send them. It would also be a good idea for you to visually confirm that the documents are legible before you send them to either myself or Mr. Flynt. Please rectify this matter as soon as possible.

Please let me know if I can help in any way.
Sincerely,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

Like the passive-aggressive patronizing corporate-speak? I've been on the recieving end many a time in RL!

Quote:

Date: Thu, 2 Feb 2006 08:26:19 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Re: SV: I have wonderful news!
To: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]>

Dear Jurgen Stick:

A golden shower of greetings upon you and your malignancy! I hate to be so blunt, but what in the blue fuck do you mean "you don't want a monkey"? Can you quit thinking of yourself for five goddamned minutes, please? I currently have a monkey in a wooden crate here in my office and now you tell me that you don't want it? Is this some kind of joke? The little fucker won't stop screeching and the smell is peeling the paint off my walls. Thank god it is in that crate, or else he would probably be biting me and flinging shit everywhere. The only time I can get it to shut up is when I jam some pretzels from the snack machine through the ventilation holes. I am not prepared to take care of this thing. I don't know what it eats or how to train it to do all the adorable shit you see the little bastards do on TV. It is really pretty self centered of you to lead me to believe that you want a companion to spend your final, excrutiating days on earth so that you don't die alone and buried in a pauper's grave and then turn around and change your mind long after I have already acquired said primate for you.

Sorry about that, but I just had to vent. I'll probably just fill its crate full of water to drown it and then serve him with Cheetos and a kosher pickle at the Hustler Bar-B-Que Bash this weekend. How's the death thing going? Anus said that he heard that you have taken a turn for the worse! Well, I'm sure its nothing that a coffee colonic can't take care of. Janet Jackson swears by them!

Talk to you soon!
Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Thu, 2 Feb 2006 09:01:02 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Update on our situation.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Curtis Davis:

Have you been able to rescan the documents at the appropriate resolution? We have the necessary fees budgeted, but we cannot proceed without legible copies of the will. Additionally, I have found out that Mr. Flynt is planning on starting a video subsidary of Hustler, Inc that will be launched by the middle of March. This will eat into any discretionary funds that we currently have alotted for Mr. Sterk's will. Therefore, I urge you to resend the documents no later than the close of business tomorrow (Friday, February 3). If I can be of any assistance, please do not hesitate to ask.

Sincerely,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 07:46:09 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.co.uk. Learn more
Subject: The will
To: anusmagillicutt

Hello Anus,

This is a copy of it again.

Regards

He sent it three times for good measure.

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 07:51:52 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: REQUIREMENT
To: l_flynt666

Please send me yout telephone/fax numbers.
regards

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 07:46:46 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Here are my modalities!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Cuntis Davis!

The direct line to my office is (415) 495-9115. If I'm not there, go to my voice mail or just ask for Larry Flynt. My nickname here at the office is "Smack", so you might want to ask for Smack if somebody else picks up the phone before I do. You can try to send faxes to (206) 888-4916, but our fax machine is a Siemens that gets really, really hot and spews black smoke when you try to use it.

Is your client ok? I haven't heard from him in days! Has he been transferred to the eternal care unit yet? Anus showed me a copy of his will. I'm really confused. He said that his whole family hated him and that he hated them right back, but he is willing about $10mil to his son?!?? He never said anything about a son!!! What gives?!?!?

Larry Claxton Flynt, Jr.

According to payphone-project.com, the 415 number is for a pay phone in a section of San Francisco replete with heroin addicts. Hence the "Smack" nickname. The 206 number is yet another K7.net account.

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 08:54:16 +0100 (CET)
From: "JURGEN STERK" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: SV: Indentification pending
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Please send me your contact telephone number/fax

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 15:43:31 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.co.uk. Learn more
Subject: Update on our situation.
To: "Anus Magillicutty" <>

Hello anus,

Have you not gotten the copy of the will that was re sent to you?

We hope to hear from you soonest.

regards

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 16:15:33 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: POINT OF CORRECTION
To: l_flynt666

Hello Larry,

There is nothing confusing about this. He has a 14 years old son Jurgen Sterk (jnr). He was not part of the family members that converted the money he previously willed to some charitable organisation for their personal use.

He has mentioned it to me and people close to him times without numbers.

I look forward to receiving the agreement charges to enable us perfect the documentation and legalisation formalities.

regards

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 09:03:47 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Re: Update on our situation.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Bannister Curtis Davis:

I have gotten the will and have forwarded it on to our legal department. We should have something by the end of the day.

Sincerely,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

Quote:

Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 18:59:50 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: THIS IS URGENT
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Hello Anus,

You need to be fast with this whole issue. My client is worried. I thought by now we would have be through with all modalities.

Do you know as of now the doctor reported 2 hours ago that Mr Jurgen's illness has increased? he has even advise he needs alot of rest for himself because the B.P has tremendiously increased.

Advise your Boss Larry to act on time or let us know if we have to contact other person for the purpose of this whole issues.
Note :Am not bannister Curtis Davis but barrister Curtis Davis.

Barr. Curtis Davis

Ooops! Look at the time! I think Larry and Anus have left for the weekend! More hilarity to come on Monday, I am sure!

419Eater is my life Joined: 11 Jul 2004 Posts: 385

Please take out the pictures of the cancer patient, I don't think they are allowed on any of the forums, since 419er's could copy them, and also the man in the pictures has died.

M-m-max

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 1:49 am

i've gotten those pictures before...its sick that the lads use them..at the very least write "419eater" or "this is a scam" all over them.

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 4:48 pm

@maxheadroom and blarg>

Larry has been around here long enough to know about the history and the abuse of those cancer patient pics. He's done some very fine baiting work here and I think we can trust him to use those images with the necessary discretion.

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:36 pm

As always, outstanding.

It's really great to see you baiting again.

Baiting Guru Joined: 08 Jul 2004 Posts: 11857 Location: UK

kleindoofy wrote:

@maxheadroom and blarg>

Larry has been around here long enough to know about the history and the abuse of those cancer patient pics. He's done some very fine baiting work here and I think we can trust him to use those images with the necessary discretion.

All the same KD, Shiver started removing those pics from the forum a long time ago if anyone posted them, Shiver stated at the time that it could cause undue suffering to his relatives if they are posted here, the deceased mans wife has since joined this forum and I think it might be better if they were removed, as is the case every time they are posted here by anyone!

Good work on your bait though larry, make them feel the pain mate Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 6:34 pm

I really liked Bitey! Please don't drown him! Laughing

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 9:06 pm

@klien & Larry

sorry. didn't mean to step on anyone. I just remember how pissed I got the first time a lad sent those to me. I didn't even know the history of those pics, but it turned my stomach.

Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 3:24 am

another great larry bait.

Thanks for the laughs Mr.Flynt.

NN

Master Baiter Joined: 06 Nov 2005 Posts: 233 Location: USA

One of the baits I'm currently stringing along sent me the last pic (hospital bed and nurse) to 'prove' to me that he is sooo sick! Right about now, his man should be wasting half the night at the airport waiting for me!

Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 6:11 am

I took them off my bait when I baited jurgen!!

Excellent bait Larry. I was laughing my ass off at parts. I am baiting Jurgen from 2 of my accounts, and a couple others are baiting him too. I cant wait to see what else you are going to put him through. Has anyone got any trophys from him?

Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 5:13 pm

I wet myself laughing so hard

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 5:01 pm

Jon G: I hope you changed pants since. Very Happy

Predictable as always, Cuntis is getting very impatient for a trip to Western Union.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 09:57:24 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" [email protected]: JURGEN STERK ALMOST GIVING UP
To: l_flynt666

PLEASE YOU ARE KEEPING US IN SUSPENSE. WHEN EXACTLY ARE WE CONCLUDING? JURGEN MY CLIENT NO LONGER TALK. LETS CONCLUDE BEFORE HE GIVES UP.

REGARDS

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 10:16:57 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" [email protected]
Subject: JURGEN IS ALMOST GIVING UP ACT NOW
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

DEAR ANUS,

PLEASE YOU ARE KEEPING US IN SUSPENSE. WHEN EXACTLY ARE WE CONCLUDING? JURGEN MY CLIENT NO LONGER TALK. LETS CONCLUDE BEFORE HE GIVES UP

REGARDS

There's really only one sensible approach to all this- a third character!!! And who better than the beloved star of the Omen trilogy... that adorable little scamp... Damien Thorne! (cue up choral satanic music)

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 08:16:11 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Concerning Mr. Sterk's will
To: [email protected]

February 6, 2006
Dearest Curtis Davis

My name is Damien Thorne, head of legal counsel for Mr. Larry Flynt and his corporations: Hustler Publishing, Hustler Intellectual Properties LLC, and the Courtney Love Foundation for the Prevention of Beri-Beri.

Mr. Flynt and Mr. Magillicutty have already instructed me on the modalities to be used in executing Mr. Sterk's will. We have made all arrangements on our end to ensure that the necessary legal fees will be transferred to you in a timely manner. However, because of the recent precedent set in State of California v. Mr. Samuel Hagar, wherein despite voluminous state's evidence to the contrary, it was shown that the defendant could indeed drive fifty-five, I must ask that you send me your legal license in addition to Mr. Jurgen Sterk's death certificate. Once these items are obtained, yourself, Mr. Larry Flynt, and Hustler Publishing Inc. will be in full compliance with both California and Federal law.

Mr. Magillicutty has reiterated to me the urgency of the situation. Because of this, I am spending today filing the necessary paperwork with the Hon. Dana Plato, Chingatumade County Superior Court Judge. In this way, the funds shall be immediately released to you upon my reciept of your legal license and Mr. Sterk's death certificate.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 11:22:08 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Our thoughts are with Mr. Sterk
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" [email protected]

Barrister Davis Curtis:

I have referred all legal modalites to Mr. Damien Thorne, our company's legal counsel. Mr. Thorne is quite familiar with English law, having grown up there when his father was the U.S. ambassador to the UK. He is quite competent in all legal matters, but he can be extraordinarily sensitive. Many people he has been close to in his life have died from random impaling, beheadings, chemical burns, mastiff attacks, etc. It hasn't been easy for him, but he's a trooper! Also, don't ask about his "real dad." He gets very upset about that.

I have the necessary funds available to proceed with the execution of Mr. Sterk's will. However, you did not specify whether the fund amount was in US Dollars, UK pounds, or Euros. Please clarify so that I can check the latest exchange rates and budget accordingly.

Let me know if I can help in any way,
Anus

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 08:00:11 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Tell Stork not to give up!!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS"

Cuntis Davis:

What is happening to Jurgen? Why is he giving up? I've had a busy weekend with PornCon '06 in Las Vegas and just got in late last night. Is he taking a turn for the worse? If he can't speak, then I told him to give one grunt for 'yes' and two for 'no'. That ought to settle things correctly. What would be really cool is if he got one of those electronic voice boxes- I'm thinking of getting a laryngectomy just so I can get one for myself. Plus, chicks dig it when they see you smoking out of your stoma.

Also, would he like his 14 year old son to come live with me in the United States? I'm a generous donor to the University of Phoenix where I could pull some strings so that he could have a bright future in dental hygenist assistance, subparalegaling, on-set fluffer or maybe betamax repair! Let's face it; Jurgen is as good as dead anyway, so lets carry out his final wishes quickly! I'll get my Anus right on it!

Your pal,
Larry Claxton Flynt, Jr

.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 18:46:03 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" [email protected]
Subject: INFORMATION
To: "Damien Thorne"

HELLO DAMIEN,

ITS NOT POSSIBLE I SEND YOU DEATH CERTIFICATE NOW. HE IS STILL ALIVE BUT ALMOST GIVING UP. FOR THE LEGAL LICENSE, I WILL FOR WARD TO YOU TOMORROW.

BARR.CURTIS DAVIS

I've got to give him a little hope. Otherwise, crushing him won't be nearly as fun.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 11:25:00 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: I have finished the paperwork
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <>

February 6, 2006

Barr Curtis Davis

I have successfully filed the necessary paperwork for execution of the will. I look forward to recieving your legal credentials. As soon as Mr. Sterk expires, please send a copy of the death certificate.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 18:35:21 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" [email protected]
Subject: HE IS NOT DEAD YET BUT ALMOST GOING.
To: l_flynt666

DEAR LARRY,

MR JURGEN IS STILL ALIVE BUT ALMOST GIVING UP. WHY NOT ASK YOU FINACIAL OFFICER CUM YOUR LEGAL ADVISER TO ACT ON TIME? YOUR LEGAL ADVISER IS ASKING FOR HIS DEALTH CERTIFICATE EVEN WHEN HE IS STILL ALIVE. DO THE NEEDFUL.
LETS DO IT ALL BEFORE HE GOES.

REGARDS

Larry does the sensible thing and gets loaded.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006 14:54:41 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Fantasstic n ews!
To: "JURGEN STERK" [email protected]

Jergen Stick-

Im kindd o f tipsy right now. I have beeen doing shott of Jagrmeistur since lunch and boy am i ever fucked uop! I got an emal from Anus sayign that you were just abot dead. Well, I can telll yo that the victims of th hurrrricanee will be thrilled when you finaaly croak. Shit jurgen- we got the fees but yor laywer keeps ridng Anus ass like a hhorse if you now what i meen.

Youll like this- it turns out Biety isn t such a bad mokney after all- i gave him somm pills from my medicune cabenent and he iz much happyr now! Look at the pictuer i took wit my camera phonee! i had one of h is old labb tech pals com in and grab him cause i sur wastn goign to touch the hairy fuckr. Bitey likes jager allmost as much as i doo! hang on-im going to gvie him som more. jugrne ol boy, you havnt lived until you got a monkey full of booz. sorry i know you arent gong to live much longr. figure of speeech, no offense.fuck bitey iz funny. hes humpin my leg now- good thign im wearng long pants, eh?

ill atlk to yoo tomrroww. i feel sickkk -larry flnyt

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 5:09 pm

Quote:

I could pull some strings so that he could have a bright future in dental hygenist assistance, subparalegaling, on-set fluffer or maybe betamax repair!

Great read Larry!! Laughing

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 5:26 pm

That is some of the funniest shit I've read in a while. You are a talented writer. How long does it take you to come up with this stuff anyhow?

Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 6:39 pm

YeaWhatever wrote:

That is some of the funniest shit I've read in a while. You are a talented writer. How long does it take you to come up with this stuff anyhow?

I usually think of this stuff after drinking a lot of cough medicine and psilocybin. Very Happy

BTW, the scammer's IP is somewhere in the UK (I know, big place...) at 217.12.10.195. Just in case you were curious.

Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 12:50 am

I'm sitting here crying cause I'm laughing so hard!! This is some of the funniest sh!t I've ever read! Thanks for the laught and Great job. Very Happy

Guest

The monkey business is priceless. Laughing

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 25 Jul 2005 Posts: 2

I damn near pissed my pants reading this.

Thank you for your excellent work!

Larry Flynt is Elite Baiter extraordinaire.

Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 6:49 am

Hello Larry!

It�s so nice that you are back again! Very Happy

You just gave me 20 minutes of laughing and forgetting sorrows and pains.

Your baits are as always excellent number one reading fun.

The pictures are contained in every lad�s starter kit (like the money boxes from my avatar) and are around for years already so I can�t see any probs that some lads could recycle those .

People who are on this board for some time know them and receive them every week again and again Wink

Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 5:01 pm

Mathias! My favorite international super-criminal! Good to see you again, buddy!

The hijinx continue:

Quote:

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 2006 06:54:07 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.co.uk. Learn more
Subject: Why the delay?
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Hello Anus,
please i want to know when you and your collegue will be ready to conclude with us. YOu did ask for the copy of the will last time i gave it to you. why all this delay? please Tell Larry to send across the legalisation fee.
regards

Quote:

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 2006 13:32:51 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: The delay is Mr. Sterk.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Curtis Davis:

We have been very patient so far with this whole transaction. However, as I am sure that you know, a will does not go into effect until the subject of the will is deceased. You seem to think otherwise, which is very confusing. As I have said on multiple prior occasions, yes, the last copy of the will which you sent is completely acceptable to us. Please stop asking. The will is fine.

I have sent a copy of the will to Damien Thorne, who is our legal representation. Mr. Flynt is aware of all these arrangements, as he is very good in business.

To put it bluntly, Mr. Davis, we cannot legally send you any money until Jurgen Sterk is dead. This is the reality of our situation, and myself, Mr. Flynt and Mr. Thorne are powerless to change that. Please inform Mr. Flynt, Mr. Thorne and myself the second that you have a death certificate for Mr. Sterk.

Let me know if I can be of further help,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

Quote:

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 2006 10:36:41 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Proof of death is needed.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Barr Curtis Davis:

I understand that you seem to be under some type of time constraint in the matter of Mr. Jurgen Sterk's will. However, I would advise you that we cannot proceed with any distribution of funds to reimburse your legal expenses until the following conditions are met:

1) I recieve your legal license
2) I recieve Mr. Sterk's death certificate

If you are under a time constraint, then it would certainly behoove you to accelerate the process of Mr. Sterk's demise. My childhood nanny used a similar modality with my adoptive mother in a 100% risky free manner. By California state law, a will cannot be executed until the client expires. Proof of his death will be our green light to send you all relevant fees.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Quote:

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 2006 19:08:55 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Hurry up and die already
To: [email protected]

Jurgen:

Sorry about the drunk email yesterday. I was pretty shitfaced and I tend to write and say things I don't necessarily mean. Nevertheless, I am very good in business.

I'm really hoping this is my last email for you. We have a problem. Your barrister/lawyer type guy keeps pimping us like a $5 hooker for 'legal fees' or some such buttfuckerry. The deal is that we can't send him any cash until you have assumed room temperature.

Jurgen, Mayor Nagin's Chocolate City of New Orleans can't wait for donations from Nestle and Hersheys. They need your money if it is to once again become the great city of hooter-flashing, Anne Rice groupies and puke in the streets that it once was. Moreover, it seems that too many whites are moving back in. Well, Jurgen, I like my women like I like my coffee: hot and black. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but I think it would be a real win-win situation for everybody if you went ahead and got transferred to the eternal care unit. And don't just become a brain dead vegetable either. The last thing we need is some cousin of yours coming out of the woodwork and leaving you on the respirator because of all that "sanctity of life" bullshit.

Take one for the team, big fella. I think you know what I'm talking about.
Larry Flynt

From the middle of last week until yesterday, I was in Las Vegas. I was too busy getting reamed at blackjack to bait- so, much to my great surprise and disappointment, my characters' inboxes were empty when I checked them this morning...

...now we come to a textbook example of the obtuse linear logic of lads. I have presented him with an obstacle that isn't in the script: I won't send him anything until Jurgen is dead. My mugu can't (more likely won't) adapt to the new situation, and departs for more compliant targets. How the hell does he expect to be a big oga if he can't simply put together a quickie letter expressing deep regret at the recent passing of Jurgen Sterk? Yes, I know- there are many lads out there who actually are very clever at their craft. I think we are all well aware of that. But the fact is that the great majority of them are stupider than a sack of doorknobs. Fortunately, I am very understanding. As Ferris Bueller put it: "It's understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate a person like yourself." Another really great quote from that movie is Charlie Sheen's deadpan: "You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore." Its not relevant to anything in this bait per se, I just laugh whenever I hear it.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006 08:11:30 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Terrific News!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Hey Davis!

Guess what? Superior Court Judge Dana Plato has agreed that Mr. Sterk's will can be executed before he goes tits up! Isn't that great? He can finally get all his money to the chocolate city and not be dead first!

I bet your asking how I did it. Its really simple. I've been banging the judge. She's a naughty little vixen underneath those robes, with a little rose tattoo right above her silky smooth shaved mound. Once I got her to bark like a dog, I knew that Damien would have no problem getting a special dispensation for the will. The great part of it all is that if her limp dick senator husband finds out, I've got about twenty pictures of his prepubescent boy porn collection that the LA Times would be very interested in. That fucker will play ball, if you know what I'm saying. I've never met a judge who didn't like it in the pooper.

Well, if Stork is still breathing, let him know the good news!

Thanks!
Larry Claxton Flynt, Jr.

EDIT: Holy cow! Not even 10 minutes after I sent that last email, I get a reply! And you thought the fun was over... shame on you. Wink

Quote:

Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006 16:24:13 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.co.uk. Learn more
Subject: GOOD NEWS
To: l_flynt

DEAR LARRY,
THANKS FOR THE NEWS. NOW I KNOW WE ARE READY TO CONCLUDE IT ALL. PLEASE SEND THE AGREEMENT FEE AND HAVE ALL THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS SIGNED AND SEAL.

REGARDS

Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 6:46 pm

HI-LARIOUS!!!

BRAVO!

Guest

So what happened to Biety?

Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:25 pm

Negular, read on to discover the electrifying fate of everybody's favorite surly lab monkey! Laughing

Side story: Actually, I have a friend who got his PhD working at one of the major primate centers in the US (no, I won't tell you which one) and actually worked with macaques as part of his experiment. The experiment involved putting pictures of simple shapes in front of the monkey and recording which areas of the visual cortex responded. Pretty interesting stuff... to me anyway, cause I have always been fascinated with neuroanatomy. Well, my friend quickly disabused me of any Curious George or Dunston Checks In notions I had about primates. Rhesuses (old world monkeys) hate humans and will bite, throw shit and generally be as much of a nusiance as possible. The chimps you see on TV are juveniles and pretty agreeable. The adult chimps were (in his words) 'murderous'. They can and will rip off your own arm and beat you to death with it. The new world monkeys (brown tufted capuchins) however, are really playful and funny. My buddy would even share some of his lunch with them. The monkeys didn't much care for processed stuff like Doritos, but they would beg for apples and oranges. Some critters are just meant to be wild, I suppose.

Enough with the monkeys- back to the madcap wackiness!

Quote:

Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006 12:00:54 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Please provide your information
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Barr Curtis Davis:

I wanted to let you know that Judge Dana Plato has granted us a special dispensation concerning Mr. Sterk's will. Normally, this type of modality requires up to six weeks in County court; we should consider ourselves fortunate that Judge Plato and Mr. Flynt have a close relationship.

Since it is now immaterial whether Mr. Sterk is dead or alive, the final piece of the equation is your legal credentials. You promised these to me last week, but I have yet to receive them. Although I will be preoccupied this week with the funeral of the local priest who was impaled by a metal cross during a freak thunderstorm, I will give the highest priority to your information.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

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Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006 12:11:45 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: A mutually benefical relationship!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Hey Cuntis:

Great to hear from you. How is Jurgen doing? Not that it matters now, since he has refused all my offers of a helper monkey. Will he be buried or just made into soylent green? And what about his kid? No 14 year old in the world can handle that kind of money. You need to watch out so that he doesn't spend it on handjobs and Playstation.

I have thought really long and hard about the charities to dispense the money to. I'm torn between the Robert Mapplethorpe Foundation or the North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA). Another strong possibility is the Hershey Highway Fund to help rebuild New Orleans as a "chocolate city."

Let Anus know who the check needs to be made out to. My Anus can handle any modality.

Thanks!
Larry

Quote:

Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006 20:28:46 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: The delay is Mr. Sterk.
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Hello Anus,

Mr Larry has asked you make the agreement fee transfered to me. we accept money gram payment and not check

thanks
barr> curtis Davis

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Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006 20:29:59 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: A mutually benefical relationship!
To: l_flynt

please let him send by money gram. we dont accept check payment

Quote:

Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006 15:36:18 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Our transaction
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Bannister Curtis Davis

Although Moneygram is efficient, I have had better luck with PayPal. PayPal accounts are easy to set up and 100% risky free. As soon as I get the legal 'go-ahead' from Damien, I will get the money to you. Also, will you please print out and scan an itemized reciept for our expenses so that we can report it on the standard FU-914 income tax form? That would be great.

Lastly, you have not indicated if you prefer your money in US dollars, UK Pounds, EU Euros, Rupees, or Shiny Trinkets. Please let me know so that I can calculate the proper exchange rate.

Let me know if I can help further,
Anus

Quote:

Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 05:23:04 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: UPDATE
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Dear Anus,

Proper receipt will be issued from my company to that effect. We want the money in U.S dollars and must be paid through money gram.

Thanks

Barr. Curtis Davis

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Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 11:47:12 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: I need your information again.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Dear Curtis:

Glad to hear that you want the money in US dollars and not Canadian dollars. With the current exchange rates and the recently projected multivariable flucuations in the price of tungsten amortized over the next decade, that would have been a dicey gamble. Curtis, you're going to need to do a couple of things for me. First, you need to remind me of the pending charges. I cannot find your email that detailed these for me. Secondly, Damien is very upset that you haven't sent him your legal credentials yet. Damien had been a little on edge ever since his favorite aunt was attacked by ravens in her bedroom, so please exercise some understanding.

So, again, I need you to itemize the charges for me and to send a copy of your legal license to Damien. The sooner this gets done, the sooner we can release the funds to you and get the charity modality moving again.

Sincerely,
Anus

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Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 14:07:40 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: What the fuck?
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Cuntis:

I really don't fucking get you. I have been asking over and over again about the health of your dear client and you have been ignoring me. Is this some kind of joke? Is all you care about your precious legal fees? I really seems that you are way more focued on the fees than you are the health of Jurgen. Plus, Damien tells me that he has given you very simple instructions so that this transaction will be 100% risky free, but you have totally failed to follow them. Don't be like Damien's last client who drowned after falling through the ice in a friendly hockey game on a frozen lake.

Cuntis, I've been through a lot in my life. I have dealt with more lawsuits can you can name, I have had my magazines declared obscene by the city of Cinncinatti (that's where WKRP is- I have always loved Venus Flytrap!), and I have been shot in the back by Bob Guicionne or maybe it was Al Goldstein. In any event, I didn't sit back and cry like woman when life handed me lemons. No, dammit! I fuckin counter sued and took lots of Vicodin! Sometimes I even won my suits!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, try following directions instead of buttfucking yourself for a change. You'll thank me for this advice some day.

P.S.: If Jurgen is still alive, please tell him that Bitey is now undergoing radiation toxicity tests in non-human primate heaven. The little monster escaped from his crate when I was passed out last evening and climbed up some high voltage lines. Even though Curious George walks on them with impunity, what happened next wouldn't be in any children's book. About a nanosecond after he pulled that stunt, a 10 pound shrieking ball of burning hair hit the sidewalk like a sack of wet cement. Maybe it was because one of his intraperitoneal electrodes got caught in the 220v transformer, or maybe its was because it was raining and he liked to stick forks in electrical outlets. I don't know. But tell Jurgen to take heart- he was very easy to field dress after sustaining massive electrical damage, and I now have enough delicious monkey meat to last me a week. Maybe I'll put the meat in a hard candy shell and make Rhesus Pieces! Get it? Ha! That joke should make Jurgen smile, assuming he isn't chilling out in the morgue by now.

Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 19:35:07 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: HOW READY ARE YOU
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Hello Anus,
I want to know how ready is your boss Mr larry.

thanks

Quote:

Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 20:17:47 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: INFORMATIONS
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

ANUS,

I WANT TO KNOW THE KIND OF LEGAL CREDENTIALS HE WANTS FROM ME.
FOR THE CHARGES, ITS FOUR THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS($4,650) YOU KNOW PERSONAL INFORMATIONS AS SUCH ARE VERY TECHNICAL? AM SUPPOSE TO BE DEMANDING FOR THAT.

THANKS
BARR. CURTIS DAVIS

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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 07:45:07 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Your credentials.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister Davis:

Again, I must stress the urgency of you providing us with your legal credentials. By this, I mean that you need to scan and submit to me a copy of your license to practice law in the UK.

However, I know that logistically, that can be problematic. I am not insensitive to these issues, and have explored other legal modalities. If you cannot provide a copy of your legal license, then there is an alternate solution. Submit to us a picture of yourself holding a sign with a code word on it. The code word will only be known to yourself and me, and will serve as a secure verification of your identity.

Please let me know which option is most convenient for you.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 08:24:17 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Thank you!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Curtis Davis:

Thank you for reiterating the charges for us. And we do sincerely appreciate you writing in all capital letters- such a modality assures us that we are dealing with a professional.

I feel compelled to tell you that Mr. Flynt is rather distraught over the fate of Mr. Sterk. Please update him on his medical condition.

Damien has informed me that the only item we are waiting on is your legal license or picture. As soon as we get these items, I can disburse the funds to you in a timely manner. Please let me know who to make the Moneygram out to. I assume it will be you and not some obsequious lackey.

I realize that such informations are quite technical, but a barrister of your obviously considerable experience should be able to work all that out and not treat this transaction as a child's play.

Let me know if I can help further,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 25 Jul 2005 Posts: 2

Vote for funniest thread ever.

There should be a sticky with links to master pieces like Larry Flynt's work here.

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