CONGRADULATIONS!

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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 10:27 pm

When an email like this arrives in your inbox, you know you're going to have a fun time:

Quote:

Title: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A VERY BIG ONE TO YOU SIR

CONGRADULATIONS!

Dear Esquire or Mademoiselle,
I am pleased to graciously announce that you have won the Coca-Cola bottle cap lottery of 2020, endorsed by Pope Francis, Queen Elizabeth II, and Benito Mussolini. My dear servant Alfred Pennyworth drew a bottle cap with your name and social security on it from our royal dumpster behind the parking lot, and you are now the proud recipient of $10000000
USD. Please respond post-promptly for further information. It is truly a grand prize for you to win.

If you weren't able to tell, this email was written by me. On one of the many WhatsApp groups I frequent, a lad was looking to share clients, and being the kind and gracious person I am, I was willing to share. I don't know where I'm going to take this bait yet, although most likely a safari in some way, either from straight-baiting the lad with the Coca-Cola lottery or through PIMPing him with my main character. I told the lad I had received over $100K from him in the past, so he's quite eager to get in on the action. If any of you want to join in what I hope will be an increasingly large cast of characters, I sincerely invite you to come in and have some fun. There is always a place at the table for a cousin, a neighbor, a random person off the street, a villain, Feathers (played by me unless Jayhawk comes in), and so on. The more the merrier, and if people are cooped up inside with little to do because of the coronavirus, this is a perfectly fine way to spend some time. I can't guarantee the lad will play along, but I think he'll be good for some action.

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

I have an elderly man with few computer skills who spends his time feeding his neighbour's cat. He would like to participate here.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 12:47 am

Lad wrote:

...and Benito Mussolini.

Who's going to tell him? Shocked

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Feathers is always up for some fun. Let me know what you want him to do.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 2:31 am

John McLane is ready for duty.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 2:34 am

Whoops. That "wasn't" should have been a "was"; I wrote that format a few weeks ago just in case I ever had the opportunity to generously hand it out. I'll get back to this in about an hour with some potential ideas, but I don't want to bring in anyone for at least a day or two, or until I know the lad's actually committed.

Edit:
Here's one potential progression of events I have in mind.
-My character putters around a bit not doing much except asking questions, but after a few days mentions he has a friend who would be interested in investing in some business projects in the lad's country (if the lad doesn't mention he's in Nigeria at some point my character's going to assume he's in Egypt. The lad can figure out that one later.) I then give the lad my "friend's" email, one of you guys.
-From there, we can have this friend try to sell the lad on some trophy pictures or just putter around a bit; the degree of senility here can vary depending on how eager the lad is, but I get the feeling that if we offer $50K for whatever he'll be interested.
-Once the lad thinks he has a handle on these two characters, my character "meets" Feathers, who then gets the lad's email and threatens him with bad things if he doesn't help Feathers out in some way (we can be creative here). Assuming the lad doesn't comply, strange creepy things (think The Exorcist) start happening to my character and to his friend. Hopefully the lad complies with whatever Feathers wants at this point, maybe scamming a third character or digging up some buried treasure hidden somewhere in Nigeria or a neighboring country. I'm a particular fan of the "buried treasure" or "meet my operative" safari strategies because as long as the lad believes you, they require absolutely no prep or resources, just "go here and do this," then "go here and find my guy, you lousy moron".
-While all this is happening, I try to sell the lad on my PIMP modality, perhaps once he grows dejected at his lack of success. Ideally someone in a time zone close to Nigeria so they can communicate more clearly and/or on WhatsApp. We try to get the lad to travel somewhere fun with the usual events transpiring from there, ideally while the "straight bait" is happening.
-Depending on how many characters we want to play, we can expand on any of these plot threads or others the lad appears to latch onto. Every rich member of our bingo club in Seattle can try to talk to the lad, or my criminal associates, or whatever else.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 9:31 am

Mary is ready whenever you think she can add to his misery

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 10:49 am

If you need a pastor: Rev. Jerry is available.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 12:30 pm

Also the entire Church of the Holy Lamb is available.

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2020 4:12 pm

I respond enthusiastically:

Quote:

Dear sir,
Oh my gosh I am so happy I have won a prize! Please tell me what I need to do to claim my prize. What is your name sir?

The lad responds:

Quote:

i’m MR GODFREY JONATHAN
kindly let me know when you’re ready to claim your win prize
im so happy for you sir
ONCE AGAIN I SAY A VERY BIG CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU !!!!

Very believable. He also sent a separate email an hour later with the Coca-Cola logo, just so I'd get the point. My response, setting up bringing in a new character potentially (Who's on first as a rich neighbor always eager to invest in a new project? Please PM me with the email you want me to give the lad.):

Quote:

Sir this is very exciting news once again I am so excited! I am going to invest this money in a new company my friend he is an entrepreneur he enjoys spending money on nice new projects. Very successful! Very rich man! Tell me sir which country is your Coca Cola office in do you have bottling plant? Or do you wish sell other foodstuffs too, yes? I hear bubble tea is a Chinese drink that is very popular it use tapioca pearls and tea and other substance.

Please sir am I allowed to tell my rich friend about this prize? He has very good business sense, yes! He will have smart ideas. You sir do you wish to start a business? I am very excited what I will do with this money!

Perhaps I'm pushing a bit too much early, but I want to dangle money and try to give the lad opportunities to go off-script (if there's even a script). If the lad sticks with the lottery plan I'll focus more on that, trying to get some fake paperwork and if all else fails, let the lad test out the new Moneygram help line.

Edit: The lad responds in a surprisingly exuberant way (capitalization is him, not me):

Quote:

yes sir you’re right i love your high mentality and you’re very intelligent to know this money isnt for lavishing instead you want to invest sir thats very good and about your friends dont tell him yet let your money get to you then BAM you show him surprises i think that would be better
KINDLY SEND ME YOUR INFOR AS YOUR WIN WOULD BE SENT TO YOU
AND YOURE EXPECTED TO PAY SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR CLEARANCE FEE TICKET FEE AND SHIPPING FEE YOUR MONEY WOULD BE SENT TO YOU IN CASH SO YOU SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS INFO FOR THE MONEY TO BE SENT TO
ONCE AGAIN I SAY A VERY BIG CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think he's new to this.
My response, testing new directions:

Quote:

Sir do not worry I have already told all my friend about this experience and they all very excited! Very jealous! And I tell them you is a company man and many people say yes they want new business venture! Now you are in Egypt is that correct? I have good friend who visit Egypt once apparently it is nice country with many nice people. One of my friend is what we call a venture capitalist he just conclude $25million real estate deal in New York City! Very cool! Can you please give me your email address so you and my friend can talk investment? You sound like a serious man I am very excited for you!

And once you never answer my question about Coca Cola bottling plant, what sort product you have beside soda? You know kid these days never buy soda they think it rots their teeth but many other product have good specialties, am I right? Young people tell me about this bubble tea thing I never try and beside there is coffee, wine, and many luxury beverage. I know Coca Cola is big company but you can never have enough money! Ha ha ha! I is tell myself so many funny jokes these times, am I right?

Now I is also scared what if cash is contaminated by the corona virus? I understand you is smart guy but let me tell you, believe me I is a smart guy too, and this money is big but I am not scared of big money! You know I have a Rolex watch. And I am sure you is smart and rich too, right? What car do you drive? I always like BMW, you cannot trust those electric cars like Tesla not to go explode! Ha ha ha, am I right? But we should never rush business we should always take our time so please get those questions and I am waiting to hear from you.

Oh by the way my accountant friend want me to ask if this is tax deductible, yes or no?

As they say in Egypt, my friend, Salaam Alaikum!

I want him to start focusing on my investment ideas with the bottling plant rather than insisting on paperwork and payment so soon. I want him comfortable with a few different characters before we start talking about money, as when that fails he may be scared off.

Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2020 3:25 am

I think the lad has officially requested the mass-bait begins, so who’s up first? Sparky, want to jump in tomorrow morning? I will email you his email address. Maybe just start by asking who he is and what his business is about, or maybe launch right into your offer. My character, Justin, is a bit senile, and if we want to go for full comedic effect we can play with my character thinking the lad is an Egyptian businessman. If you have any fun ideas in the moment, by all means go ahead. I want this lad busy.

Quote:

oh okay sir you’re indeed smart and wise to have done so by telling your friends and hope to see them win too maybe they might be lucky as you are and yes we sure have bottling plant
actually to be sincere i drive a BMW x6 which i won directly from the company
that’s good of you having a rolex it can be a source of investment to you also since when did you have the rolex
About the cash being contagious dotn worry about that your safety would be our concern as the money would be deeply quarantined and screened before we send it so be rest assured sir
They arent tax deductible

here is my mail if any of your friends wish to get a hold of me

A VERY BIG CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

He seems off-script, so I think I’ll tell him a rambling story about how I got the Rolex without actually adding any useful information.

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

Sounds like fun. My senior citizen is ready and almost able to handle this. He has money sitting around to invest for his grandchildren. First he has to feed the neighbour's cat while they are away.

Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2020 3:51 am

Email sent, Sparky. My somewhat rambling email:

Quote:

Sir thank you for asking me about my Rolex and it is a great long story so I am happy to tell it to you sir. This story start back before Vietnam War when I was a new college graduate from the Harvard University. Very competitive university, very cool! And my father, bless him, bought me a little graduation gift of a Rolex and a Ferrari. I do not remember what model it is called but it is very nice, now it may be called antique even if it is new at the time. And when I start my career at investment bank in New York I always keep that Rolex with me. Working 9 from 5 and even longer days than that, it was a way to make a living! Oh my! Those were good days and as I worked and made a career it is soothing as meanwhile the world went to war. It is the best of time I do think for me, it is the worst of time for others. I do appreciate that time because I made many friends that time. Truly an enjoyment. When I heard about the war for first time I was in coffee shop eating breakfast, I think a bagel with lox. You have that food in Egypt? And it is tragic time! But I was not draft age and I did keep working and I work and work that daily shake until I get to end point where I am now! But though I am rich and retired after long time of work I am still busy. Never enough time in life not to make money, am I right?

I am still waiting for the specifications of your operation because I think we can expand your product line. This bubble tea is popular here and in other place with many people, and I know it popular in place like Hong Kong with many rich people, am I right? I do think this is good opportunity, my friend, to be successful. Beginning of success. Alternate option may be other popular food and drink, does Coca Cola sell coffee? Or I hear also some drink called kombucha that is good for stomach. Oh my I have many brilliant ideas! When my friends do maybe email you if they not busy you should discuss this and other idea, I think my friend and I together have much experience, can help your company much!

Salaam alaikum!

I wonder how the lad will take this and Sparky’s new character.

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

My elderly man sent this:

Quote:

Dear Sir:

I am told you are working with a former business partner of mine (Mr M*****) regarding various business proposals. He says you are a dynamic and enterprising young man. I am an elderly man now (85 yrs old) but still get involved in various matters since I have the capital to back it up. I think it is time we discussed your ideas.

Right now I am helping my neighbours who were traveling outside Canada when the virus happened. I feed their cat and fill their birdfeeders while they are trying to get home. Other than that, I can review your ideas and hopefully invest too.

Hopefully the lad will take the bait.

**********

The lad responded, and is going to send details later. He did a cut and paste job from wikipedia to show how diversified he is.

Quote:

Actually there are alot of very very profitable businesses you can do that would fetch you alot of money

My character replied:

Quote:

Sir:

I thank you for your reply. Due to my age, it has been a while since I was active in such matters, but, when you were recommended to me so enthusiastically, I decided it was a good idea at least investigate this further. It sounds like you have diversified well with your investments, and I like to see that.
I look forward to seeing your ideas in your next message. I have to say with all the bad news in the world lately, this might be a prudent opportunity to invest "low" and sell high down the road once recovery happens. You are a wise man sir.
I must go chase some squirrels away from the bird feeders now. I will check in later.

Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:11 pm

The saga continues:
The lad responded to my story about my watch with a very interesting and definitely original story about bagels:

Quote:

LET M TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT BAGEL

When my family first moved to Larchmont, N.Y., in 1946, my father had a feeling that the neighbors living behind us were Jewish. In those days, you didn’t broadcast your religion, so he devised a plan that would reveal their cultural background. We would go to the Bronx and bring back some bagels. If our neighbors knew what the rolls were, they were Jewish. If they stared at them in bewilderment, we would know they were not. To my father’s delight, as soon as our neighbors saw the bagels, they recognized them. Nowadays, dad’s devious plan to determine a neighbor’s religion wouldn’t work. After all, who doesn’t know what a bagel is? But what are the origins of this once-mysterious bread, and what happened between 1946 and today that turned the bagel into a trans-cultural and all-American breakfast After years of research on Jewish food in America, I thought I had discovered all there was to know about the bagel and its journey. But then I read Maria Balinska’s lively and well-researched book, The Bagel: The Surprising History of a Modest Bread. Her book has filled in many of the questions I had about the bagel and raised new ones, too.

The basic roll-with-a-hole concept is centuries old. No surprise, really, as there’s a practical advantage to this design—it’s possible to thread such a roll on a stick or a string, facilitating transport. Balinska identifies several possible candidates for the ur-bagel from around the world, including the taralli—hard, round crackers flavored with fennel that have been the local snack for centuries in Puglia, Italy. She also mentions the Roman buccellatum and the Chinese girde but neglects to note that even the ancient Egyptians had a bagellike treat. Just a few weeks ago, I came across Egyptian hieroglyphics at the Louvre in Paris, and among the depictions of daily life were rolls with a hole.
The evidence suggests that the first rolls with a hole, those of ancient Egypt and of the greater Mediterranean, came in two types: the soft, sesame-studded variety, called bagele in Israel today, eaten plain or dipped in za’atar (a spice combination of wild oregano, sesame seeds, and salt); and a pretzellike crispy Syrian ka’ak flavored much like taralli. Neither is boiled, a distinguishing characteristic of American bagels.

Polish-born and half-Jewish, Balinska, who works at the BBC in London, tells us that the boiled and baked bagel as we know it comes from her homeland. She tells the story of the Krakow bagel, which was a product of the 1683 Battle of Vienna. Although the story is completely speculative and perhaps even fictitious, it is a piece of gastronomic lore that has endured throughout the ages. As the story goes, 17th-century Poland was the breadbasket of Europe, and King Jan Sobieski was the first king not to confirm the decree of 1496 limiting the production of white bread and obwarzanek (bagellike rolls whose name derives from a word meaning “to parboil”) to the Krakow
bakers guild. This meant that Jews could finally bake bread within the confines of the city walls. Furthermore, when Sobieski saved Austria from the Turkish invaders, a baker made a roll in the shape of the king’s stirrup and called it a beugel (the Austrian word for stirrup). As Balinska says, “Whatever its origin, the story of the bagel being created in honor of Jan Sobieski and his victory in Vienna has But the bagel has endured through the centuries not only because of its heroic legend. It also had the advantage of lasting longer than freshly baked bread because the boiling gave the roll an outer sheen and a crunchy, protective crust. As Balinska points out, if it got slightly stale, it was dunked in hot liquid to soften it. Once bagels became popular in Krakow, the Jewish bakers began making them in their own bakeries due to the strictness of Jewish dietary laws.

It is unclear when the first bagels made their way to the United States, but 70 bakeries existed on the Lower East side by 1900. In 1907 the International Beigel Bakers’ Union was created and from then on monopolized bagel production in New York City. What is also certain is that immigrants from Eastern Europe, with their cravings for the foods of the old country, sparked the New York bagel craze. Balinska explains that the Jews of the Lower East Side created a demand for the breads of their homeland—rye, challah, and bagels.
The ‘50s were a turning point. It was after World War II, and Americans were trying to get back to normalcy and reconcile the atrocities of the war. They were, for the first time, somewhat philo-Semitic. In addition, Jews were rapidly assimilating, moving to other parts of the city, expanding their culinary horizons, and sharing their own culinary traditions with the rest of New York.

In the early 1950s, Family Circle included a recipe for bageles (their spelling). The copy read: “Stumped for the Hors d’oeuvres Ideas? Here’s a grand one from Fannie Engle. ‘Split these tender little triumphs in halves and then quarters. Spread with sweet butter and place a small slice of smoked salmon on each. For variations, spread with cream cheese, anchovies or red caviar. (They’re also delicious served as breakfast rolls.)’ ” Engle, who later wrote TheJewish Festival Cookbook, did not mention the Jewish Sunday morning ritual of lox, bagel, and cream cheese—an American concoction that was just taking off, spurred on most probably by Joseph Kraft’s advertising blitz for Philadelphia Cream Cheese. It soon became an American alternative to the other Sunday trilogy of eggs, and toast. In 1951, the bagel made a big appearance in the Broadway comedy Bagel and Yox,introducing the word bagel into such mainstream magazines as Time.Balinska says that “one of the attractions of Bagel and Yox was the fact that freshly baked bagels and cream cheese were handed out to the audience during intermission.”
At this historical moment, Murray Lender hit upon a method for mass distribution of bagels. His father, Harry, had come from Poland to New Haven, Conn., and had opened a wholesale bagel bakery in 1927, one of the few outside of New York. In this small, diverse town, ethnic communities intermingled, sampling one another’s local specialties. After a while, Balinska explains, it became clear to the Lenders that the Jewish bagel was just as appetizing to the Irish and the Italians as it was to the Jews. The turning point came when Murray, having returned from the Korean War in 1956, bought a freezer. He and his father soon realized that they could deliver thawed bagels to retailers without marring their flavor. A subsequent innovation was the packaging of bagels in batches of six in polyethylene bags, making them even more durable. Soon, Lender’s Bagels shared shelf space in supermarkets with household names like Pepperidge Farm and Wonder Bread. Over the next decade, supermarket sales did nothing but grow. And with the advent of the frozen-food aisle, frozen bagels became an affordable, convenient food that could be shipped to grocery stores in far-flung parts of the country that had never before seen one.
Bagelmania hit the ground running in this country with chains opening up all over the place, replacing, to a certain extent, the doughnut shops of the earlier part of the 20th century. (Today, America’s most popular doughnut shop, Dunkin’ Donuts, also sells bagels.) It is my suspicion that bagels became so popular because, unlike Mexican burritos or Chinese egg rolls, they don’t taste ethnic. They weren’t marketed as Jewish and weren’t sold in kosher sections of grocery stores. To the bread- and sandwich-loving American population, the bagel was simply another bun with a bite—different enough to satisfy a craving for innovation, but not different enough to appear exotic.

So, it makes sense that today’s bagel bakeries are not necessarily Jewish-owned or run. A Puerto Rican family owns H&H Bagels in New York. John Marx, a Cincinnatian of German background, bakes 36 different bagel varieties, including Cincinnati Red bagels, tropical fruit, and taco bagels. And the best bagel bakery in New York, according to many, is one owned by a Thai couple on the Upper West Side.

Bagels are clearly no longer specifically a Jewish food. At some point in the middle of the 20th century, their position from the Jewish bun to the American breakfast bread shifted. The exact moment is unclear, but one moment stands out in my mind. In 1998, when I was first filming my PBS television series, Jewish Cooking in America, Lender’s, which by then had been bought and sold numerous times, was one of our sponsors. For this cooking show featuring kosher food, they sent us an underwriting spot depicting a perfectly toasted bagel with Swiss cheese and ham! Oy! I almost plotzed. To me, that moment was the ultimate assimilation of the bagel into American life.

Lads are known for their Yiddishisms and encyclopedic knowledge of New York bagel shops. He also sent me the same list of Coca Cola products from Wikipedia, which is a big mistake because now I'm going to fixate on that instead of giving him money.
Me:

Quote:

Sir oh wow that is a very long list. Very cool! It very professional you are so organized. My old eyes will take hours to read through list and learn more please help me with this. Tell me sir what is your favorite products from this long list? Which products is popular in your country of Egypt? How much does each cost per gallon do you have spreadsheet or is that for employee only? What is some of these project that I have not heard of like Chippewa and Carioca? These names all foreign it is hard for me to understand all of them. Can I find all these product in where I am in United States? You have give me many thing to think about here many of these products sound local only but there is great money to be made in expand their distribution, am I right? I is wait to hear from you soonest!

Salaam alaikum!

Lad, not enjoying these digressions:

Quote:

the spreadsheet is meant for officials and board of directors only sir
which product do you want to invest on

He'll get this response in an hour:

Quote:

Sir I am still think it is very long list you give me and you never tell me which product is your favorite, or which is favorite of Egyptian people like you? Without know ingredient unless we have more information it is hard for me to deliberate like this. I will maybe talk to one of my friend he is work for Mars corporation for while is very familiar with this food business, maybe he can consult and give advice, teach you how it goes, am I right? You can explain to him all these product and their advantage and disadvantage and he will have big money to spend. He is a very smart guy know big money! All of this casual talk is distract me because we not have details for business!

Salaam alaikum!

Who wants to play a former executive at Mars, Incorporated with plenty of money to spend on new investments?

Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:35 pm

Vlastimir sent this:

Quote:

Mail received!

Attention Jon,

I am really happy receiving this money and enlarging my treasury so I can invest further. Do you like football?

I have also heard you are working with Mr. J. He's a good guy, if you are good as him, we should be cooperating well.

Vlastimir
Private Bank of G*

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

The lad has tipped his hand somewhat asking what I'd do with a million dollars........

Quote:

IF you should win a one million dollars what kind of business do you think its very lucrative and probable to do

What would any red blooded senior citizen do with a million dollars to invest? Bonds? Stock market? Real estate? Nope, .......

Quote:

One million dollars to invest? You may laugh at my suggestion, but to seniors, this is a big issue: squirrel proof birdfeeders. I know there are some on the market now which have a weight sensor, and once a squirrel gets on the feeder, it shuts a trap door, cutting off access to the feed. They are expensive though, and out of the range of most people. A simpler, more affordable design is needed. Feeding birds is a rather passive hobby, but those of us who do it invest millions and millions each year. Suet, feeders, seed etc. So why not improved feeders? Fellow bird fanatics all complain about squirrels, so there is a market for an affordable squirrel deterrent.
What do you think? As America's population ages, more people will find themselves feeding birds, so perhaps I would be riding the crest of the bird feeding/ squirrel hating wave of tomorrow? More and more of us are feeding the birds year round too, not just in the winter, so the market is expanding.

Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2020 3:12 pm

The lad's starting to get a bit boring, but there's certainly potential to spice things up in the future. Lord has some good ideas.
The lad sent me some generic cut-and-paste about the benefits of soda, and of course it isn't good enough for me:

Quote:

Sir thank you for your many emails but the size of the writing is a bit small, can you please make it bigger so I can read well? Thank you for help.

Salaam alaikum!

Lad says the same stuff and "let me know when you are ready"
Me:

Quote:

Sir I am sorry it hard for my old eyes to read small font and gray text. Can you send your ideas in standard text so I can read more easily?

Lad:

Quote:

actually sir. they are advantages of soft drink its eases stomach. ache
it has caffeine benefit
it help keeps electrolyte balance and make body retain water and keep muscle cramp
thats the summary of what i said

Me:

Quote:

Sir that is very interesting to hear I will talk with my friend who is doctor and see what he have to say.

Salaam alaikum!

Lad, getting a bit itchy:

Quote:

okay i’ll have to say you’re delaying your win
we have given alot of winners already you’re delaying yours

Me, offering a fresh start:

Quote:

Sir I do not know why you be so impatient with me right now. I talk to my doctor friend and he wants to talk to you about Coca Cola business because he has some idea for new product thanks to my idea that he wants to talk to you about. His email is **** please do talk to him he is excited to talk with you. And I want you to apologize for your rude tone OK?