A soap opera

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Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 7:19 pm

Quote:

I must confess that this your process is rather cumbersome and strange to me.

Bless her heart. Mr. Coffee is obviously super old school. Especially with all these requests for something called "phone numbers". Maybe he'd prefer to communicate via smoke signals or interpretive dance instead? Arsehole.

Please do keep stringing this loser along. If he is so keen to use his phone then he should be spending his time calling bus companies for fare and timetable information. I assume you will break the news soon to him that he is due for a nice little trip.

Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 7:48 pm

Quote:

Dear Mr. Coffee,

thank you for your email.

To address your last remark first: I regret that you find our process cumbersome. When delivery is completed, you will receive a Customer Questionairre, where you can indicate in what ways you feel we could improve our service. Please feel free to mention any suggestion you might have.

While you may think our process is cumbersome, we feel it is necessary to communicate with our customers on a regular basis and to make sure that delivery is as smooth as possible. This includes verifying parcel content, verifying if the details of the receiver are correct and, finally, assure that delivery is done at a time that is convenient for the receiver. There are also security concerns. I regret to say that there have been several incidents in which people have tried to impersonate the receiver, and to take possession of a parcel illegally. Especially in the case of a HVC (High Value Content) parcel like the parcel on its way to you, we take extreme precautions to prevent any wrongdoing. Please understand that these measure are taken in your interest and to protect your valuable parcel.

As for your other questions, mr. Cumberland will want to verify the content of the parcel, the delivery address and the identity of the receiver whereas mr. Sleepy will want to make arrangements for an exact date, time and location of the delivery. Again: we are merely making sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible, and that you receive your parcel as soon as possible.

I can confirm that mr. Receiver's phone number has been entered in the file. However, as a matter of Company Policy and per our Internal Regulations, communications is done strickly by email. All emails are logged on our server to prevent any misunderstandings about, and to keep a record of all data, arrangements and communications. All operational personell has been instructed accordingly. As I am not operational personell, I am able to communicate by phone. However, operational information (such as parcel content and delivery information) can not be discussed under any circumstance (as it can not be logged when discussed by phone).

If you have any questions or remarks, please do not hesitate to contact me.

kind regards

Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 7:56 pm

^^^ Yes, it seems to me that there are some common procedures for transporting parcels. Laughing

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 05 Jan 2017 Posts: 790

Cumbersome procedures apparently 🙄

Posted: Wed Oct 16, 2019 9:20 am

Another customer impressed with the 5-star Service

Quote:

Dear Mr Bill Hamm,

Good Morning!.

Thank you for your detailed email,I must say that your services are
very attractive and inspires safety and guarattee of high value
parcels(hvp) and also confidence to trust your logistics company in
delivery of parcels.

I don,t have much to say,I appreciate every steep you to to ensure the
security of parcels and packages from the port of departure to the
final destination of the parcels.

Sofar so good,we look forward to hearing from Mr Cumberband,upon
arrival of parcel in Casablanca.

Thank you for your time.

Regards,
Mr Coffee

Something tell me he won't be so satisfied anymore in a couple of days

Bill Hamm wrote:

Dear Mr. Coffee,

you are very welcome.

If there is anything at any time I can help you with, please let me know. I estimate your parcel will reach Casablanca tonight, and mr. Cumberband should contact you tomorrow.

kind regards,

Bill Hamm

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 05 Jan 2017 Posts: 790

Thats a whole other bait in the making Bikeati77 Smile

Quote:

Maybe he'd prefer to communicate via smoke signals or interpretive dance instead?

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 6:49 am

The parcel reached Casablanca. Time for more of those cumbersome procedures

Mr. Cumberband, Plog Africa manager wrote:

Dear Mr. Coffee,

A jolly good morning to you sir!
I am writing to you with regards to the parcel with trackingnumber TRK*1****, which has arrived in our Casablanca warehouse late yesterday afternoon. You are on file as being the contact for this parcel.

To make sure that the delivery of your parcel will go smoothly and without problems, I want to make sure that there are no mistakes, errors or omissions in the information on file. Please check the information below, and let me know as soon as possible if you think the information is incorrect or incomplete.

Parcel contents
10 x Samsung galaxy S10e smartphone
1 x 2019 Ipad with accessory pack
1 x 5 gallon drum of Liquid base soap
1 x 9.2kg box of citronella candles
1x sealed box containing undisclosed amount of cash

Delivery info
Receiver: Mr Frank
Address:1****
Cotonou,Republic of Benin
Telephone:+2296*****

The parcel is a sealed HVC (High Value Content) parcel. To ensure total security of the contents of the parcel, formal authentication of the Receiver is required. To complete the authentication procedure, I will need the following details from you:

- If it is different than the name mentioned above: the full name of the Receiver, exactly as it appears onhis identity papers
- a good quality scanned copy of one of the following documents: National ID Card, Passport or Driver License of the Receiver

At the time of delivery, the Receiver must be able to authenticate himself with the original identity document. The representative of our company will verify this by comparing it with the copy on file. This way we prevent someone using a fake ID to obtain the High Value Parcel.

All the fees (transportation, handling, customs fees, etc.) have already been paid by the Sender, so the Receiver will just have to sign a receipt for the HVC parcel at the time of delivery. There is no additional costs for you or the Receiver.

If you have any questions or need assistance, please let me know
Cheerio!

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 7:24 am

What could go wrong? Laughing

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 05 Jan 2017 Posts: 790

We decided to dangle the carrot a bit as the lad has not been tracking the package again ( he did track it previously) so Nora reached out to all

Quote:

Hello everyone included in the email , It seems i am not being included in every email? Why?

When looking at the tracking I can see that the package seems to be moving along nicely as expected and as agreed in a timely fashion without any delay but I did not get informed of its progress? Why?.

Mr Ham I wish for you personally to confirm to me by email that ye are communicating well with my esteemed colleague Mr Coffee and it would be unacceptable if he like me was not being informed on a daily basis. Mr Ham Can I remind you and everyone at Pitiful - Log that package has a number of high value items inside and it also contains a box with 12,300 ( Twelve Thousand Three Hundred Euro) inside it.

I paid extra money for the security seal to be added and for my package to be treated as High Value Content

Mr Coffee can I extend my deepest apology if like me you are not getting regular emails from Pitiful - Log, I am sure Mr Ham when reading this will ensure this is not going to happen again !

I did a calculation in my head and the electrical items value ( phones IPad etc etc) is a value in excess of 5,000 Euro and the cash inside in the box is 12,300 so I need everyone here to understand the importance of regular emails to me and my esteemed colleague Mr Coffee

I wont be able to communicate again for the next 6 days as we are going on retreat to the Nano Nagle center here in Mallow but when I return I hope to feel blessed by the good news that Mr Cofee has had success and we can begin shipping our monthly supplies as per our original Pro Forma invoice details.

Good day Sirs

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 8:22 am

Maybe it would have been better if the money hidden in the parcel would have remained a well-kept secret Laughing

... the future complications would have been more amusing.

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 11:02 am

^^ Perhaps, but the money was already mentioned, so we go with that Very Happy

Meanwhile, a happy customer replies (there were some hickups with sending my earlier email, but Bill Hamm (customer support) stepped in to sort that out)

Quote:

Dear Cumberband,

Good Morning !!

Actually,the first mail you sent was not received,it could be as a
result of poor network.

However,we have received the second mail you sent and the contents are
well understood.

Sofar so good,the delivery information of the receiver is correct.

Also,the items in the parcel which you listed are correct, based on description.

The attached document is a copy of International Passport of Mr
Frank for authentification of him self,which he will
tender to the HVC parcel at the time of delivery/receipt.

Regards,
Coffee

This was attached

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 11:25 am

mr. Cumberband wrote:

Dear Mr Coffee,

thank you for your quick response. I have added your confirmation of the parcel content and receiver info to the file.

As for the passport: while everything seems in order, the scan appears to be a bit dark, which causes the facial features of mr. Frank to be indistinguishable. This might prevent a positive identification upon delivery. To make sure there will no problems upon delivery, please provide me with a more suitable scan of the ID document.

If a usable scan can not be provided, the Receiver may also identify himself using our BIP (Biometric Identification Procedure). This is our most secure procedure: various body photos (to see any particular signs: scars, tattoos, etc (or lack thereof).) are analyzed from multiple angles and combined to generate a unique personal biometric profile that is used to identify the Receiver. This extra service is reserved exclusively for the delivery HVC (High Value Content) parcels.

If there is anything I can help you with, let me know.

Cheerio,

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 11:52 am

Bertje wrote:

... The attached document is a copy of International Passport of Mr for authentification of him self,...

Maybe you want to edit that name from your previous post... we all know how capable Google is and we know for sure that some of our idiots are looking for references. Very Happy

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 12:07 pm

^^^good catch. Thanks! (and edited)

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 12:44 pm

I think there might be some BIPs afterall

Quote:

Mr Cumberband

If the face of Mr Frank is not clear enough on the passport,I think his full lenght photo can cover that up.

At the moment Mr Frank's ID is still under processing.

Waiting to hear from you.

Regards,
Coffee

A few hours later:

Mr Cumberband wrote:

Dear mr. Coffee,

I apologise if I misunderstood your previous message. I was under the impression that mr. Frank had opted for the BIP-procedure (as it provides the most security). As stated before , we only use this method of identification for HVC type parcels, and we are proud to be one of the (if not THE) first logistics companies that utilizes this method of identification.

Upon re-reading your previous message, you might be suggesting that a picture of mr. Frank is submitted to us to addend to the previously sent scan of the ID. However, this would not meet our requirements for formal identification.

The BIP procedure requires a set of pictures to be made of mr. Frank in specific positions. This will allow a compute algorithm to generate a unique and personal Biometric Profile for mr. Frank which then can be used to identify him upon delivery. To be able to distinguish any discerning marks or tattoos, mr Frank will have to remove his shirt and pants. Please note that we do not require (nor accept) nude pictures. Underwear must be worn at all times.

The positions are:
#1) With raised arms, horizontally besides the shoulder and feet close to each other,
#2) With hands high above the shoulders and legs apart apart.

This specific position is called The Vitruvian Man (Please use Google for examples). The Vitruvian Man position is used in various studies related to ideal human proportions, in recognition of human movements in software programs and now for our Biometric Picture Procedure.

In total, the BIP-procedure requires 8 pictures:
- 2 photos from the front (positions: #1 and #2),
- 4 photos from the side / lateral position (2 pictures from the left side for each position + 2 from the right side for each position),
- 2 photos from the back (: position #1 and #2).

The pictures are ideally taken outside, in sunlicht so that any details (such as scars, tattoo, birthmarks) are visible and against a contrasting background. I am including an example for your convenience.

Once I have received the pictures, I can clear your parcel so it can be moved to the Lagos hub from which final arrangements for delivery will be made.

Cheerio

Attached were some BIP pictures that were provided by Birlic. Thanks (and also thank you for allowing me to use your modality!)

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 6:46 pm

Mr Coffee wrote:

Mr Cumberband,

Attached is the file of the pictures of Mr Francis which he took at different positions as per the sample you sent to us today for your record.

I believe it is exactly what you need?.

Regards,
Mr Coffee

I did not know belly-buttons could get pregnant. Also, he should wash his underwear better

He did make the collage himself, which was nice of him.

Full res

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 7:00 pm

That belly button... Shocked

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 05 Jan 2017 Posts: 790

Well done Bertje ..that's class, its more than I thought we would get that's for sure.

For a successful wealthy sales man brokering deals worth millions every year Mr Coffee sure does like to slum it...

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 8:11 pm

Ooh, he has an 'outie'. That looks like an umbilical hernia. Ouch lol

Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2019 9:10 pm

This site is turning into WebMD given all the recent commentary regarding Larry's lumpy lolly. That belly button cannot be healthy. I know stomachs can extend during periods of extreme starvation but this must be something else...unless he did go through a rough patch as a child and this is a remnant of that. Anyone care to guess what is going on here? Should this lad see a doctor? See the good that we do here!

Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 7:55 am

Mr. Cumberband wrote:

Dear mr. Coffee,

A jolly good morning to you!

Thank you for sending me the BIP pictures of mr. Frank. At first glance, they are perfectly usable for generating a biometric profile. I have already forwarded them for processing. As soon as I have received the confirmation that the profile has been generated, I will start the process of forwarding your parcel to our Lagos hub.

Meanwhile, if you have any questions or remarks, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Cheerio!

The belly button is disturbing, for sure. But not as disturbing as the message that Bill Hamm just sent (an hour or so after mr. Cumberband's)

Quote:

Dear All

It seems that the Nigerian government has suspended our operation license and has sealed our Lagos hub. They state that they are doing an "administrative investigation", which can be prevented if we pay them an additional licensing fee of about $500.000,00. Our legal team says this is nothing more than a blatant attempt at extortion by corrupt government officials and they are preparing to start negotiations with the officials as we speak. We are fully prepared to defend our interests and we will take legal action if necessary.

For now however, it seems that our Lagos hub will be inoperative until further notice. The board is having an emergency meeting to address the issue and to try to find a solution for this this SNAFU. Our main goal will be the continuity of our operations. Please rest assured that the safety of your parcel has not been and will not be compromised.

As soon as I have more news, I will update you all.

kind regards,

Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 8:16 am

^^^ Ohh, what a tragedy! Poor Mr. Coffee! Laughing

Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 8:31 am

Send him to Ghana. That country produces more shea butter than any other in Africa. Perfect for luxurious exotic soap!

Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 9:30 am

Nothing but silence.

Plog automated update service wrote:

=== PARCEL UPDATE ===

Dear Sir, madam.

The status of your parcel has changed. The new status is:
Delivery on hold

Please reply to this email or contact the local Operational Manager if you need assistance

kind regards,

Plog Customer Support

Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 9:50 am

Poor Mr. Coffe's devastated by the news that the Nigerian PLog's license has been canceled... a good idea would be to offer him some "easy to reach" alternatives. Twisted Evil