Sister Mary *AUDIOBOOKS* *NSFW* SAFARI UPDATE

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Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

From Moses:

Quote:

I will contact you as soon as I know what is going on. I cannot reach Wolfgang. His van has not returned back to our facility yet, which is odd. Very strange that I am unable to reach him. Please do let me know if you hear from him?

Hump:

Quote:

Sir if i did not hear from you till 9am,i will not have any other option than to go back to my country and your company will return the parcel back to USA or Nigeria. if anything happens to my package,you and your company will answer to that,i have contacted my parcel senders lawyer and the sender's of the parcel.i bet your company will pay every thing including my personal expenses here and your contract will be terminated because of you people unprofessional treatment given to customers. You company are ill human. Even you as a person never cared to know how a foreigner that came to your country just to receive a parcel fared. Very bad of you and your company.this could be a way to market your company to my country.
Thanks

Meanwhile, the good folks at the Customer Care department throw him a lifeline:

Quote:

Hello Mr. Humphere,

It's Susan here at GPSe. I want to acknowledge that you difficulty receiving your parcel is unacceptable and I have instructed Mr Malone to make you delivery his TOP PRIORITY.

I have also authorized that he pay your total travel expenses, including meals and hotel. Mr. Malone has been authorized to pay you directly as soon as you meet with him.

Please accept our sincerest apology. We will make this right.

He seems to be losing hope.

Quote:

Mrs Susan,thank you for your understanding but at this point,someone has stole my package from your agent,your agent and the delivery van is no were to be found,also the office address they gave me in youande,does not exist,the gpse office is not there,please what is going on?

He reaches out to Moses to offer help:

Quote:

Sir I am not suppose to tell you this after all you and your company has put me through but if I keep quite It makes me feel as if am wicked.sir this is not time to play your hidden games oh,I think Mr Wolfgang is in trouble,please call me in the morning so that I will meet with you for you to see what is going on and for you to see what someone email me that is what is happening to Mr wolfgang. 68049**** if I did not hear from you till 9 am,I will go,but I think what I want to show you will help you fine Mr Wolfgang am seriouse

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 3:00 am

I love where you have your lad, Lake Amour and Labowski. Top notch stuff.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Moses thinks the Wolfie may be in trouble, and has a new idea for meeting up with Humphere...

Quote:

YES YES oh my god i fear that you are right! I have gotten information that something very bad has happened to Wolfgang! Do you have any information that can help me? Him missing is not a mistake, i am worried that he may have been taken.

We need to meet. I also got an email from our Customer Care Department and they have authorized a payment equivalent to $1,000 USD to pay for your travel expenses. I will have it with me tomorrow.

My fear is that our past meeting locations are not safe. If someone took Wolfgang then we cannot trust that the bakery or the Monument are not being watched. We need to meet at a new location.

I am going to travel to Mbalmayo, it is a village a very short distance from Yaounde. I will wait at the Newton Cathedral, it is right in town along the main road. If what I am hearing is true, then we may not be safe in Yaounde. I need you to meet me at the Cathedral. I will be leaving now, I will be there waiting by 9am waiting in a GPSe van. You must come. I will have your $1,000 USD as authorized by GPSe and we will work to resolve the issues with your package. I do hope to see you soon. In the meantime, be careful of strangers. I fear from Wolfgang. Please pray for him.

He agrees to travel to Mbalmayo, which is about 30 miles south of Yaounde.

Quote:

OK sir I will meet you there,please I don't want to get there and I will not see you,also I am coming with public motto so if there is any delay on the road that will make me late I will email you

On the road again... Very Happy

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

Wonder whether he will be interested in assuming the 'Bonzi Identity? Twisted Evil

Edited to correct some tomfoolery.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

A new character shows up with an offer of cash. How desperate is the lad?

Quote:

Dear Mr. Humphere

My name is Joe Bob F and I am reaching out to you concerning a modeling opportunity I believe we both will find very lucrative. Allow me to explain.

As I said, I am Joe Bob Beinstein and I am the publisher and editor of Beastiality magazine, a publication for those of us adults who believe that sex between a human and an animal is a beautiful and natural thing. One of my reporters was at the trial of Fellatio and was fortunate enough to take some photographs of you being fucked by the goat. We ran those photographs in our last issue and never in my entire life have I seen such a response from our readers. MORE HUMPHERE! They kept writing me over and over. You sir are a star. How bright you shine is up to the two of us now.

Mr. Humphere I am prepared to offer you a modeling contract with my publication. I am prepared to offer you $5,000 up front and another $5,000 when shooting is completed. Naturally I would want exclusive rights to your services. I am also prepared, after the first photo shoot, to discuss video options. The public is demanding more Humphere and we need to give them what they want.

If you find my offer satisfactory please reply via email and we will get the process started.

Joe Bob

It should be noted that I have no intention of having him send me pics of him having sex with an animal. That's cruelty to animals as well as pretty disgusting, and we don't do things like that around here. Mostly it was to piss him off and to let him know that the goat pics made it into an animal porn magazine. See wound, insert salt has always been my motto.

Another email to Feathers. He is pissed and acting tough

Quote:

Hey my friend,I am starting from were I stop to Lagos,I will bring bingo head for you OK ? I promise

No reply yet to the scolding Penfold gave him.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Feathers replies.

Quote:

howdy fule

tanks 4 leting me no dat yu is sti in camarune i nose dat al yu tels me is li li li li so i nose da operset of wat yu tels me is da tooth we stil gots da van diver but he no tels us da combernaton of da safe yet we tortur him gud tho and he wil breke it must suk 2 be yu

So Wolfie is still alive (for now) but undergoing tremndous torture to get the safe combination. I tell you, GPS e has some tough drivers. They really are committed to five star customer service.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

As an interesting aside, Jayhawk, have just finished a novel by Salman Rushdie in which he describes, in one chapter, how the 'tribals', as he calls them, who herd animals in the wild parts of a certain country have much sexual congress with their female goats. In fact, bearing in mind the lack of women folk in their area, some guys fall in love with their chosen nannies and are to be seen galloping down to the market in order to buy trinkets for their beloved ones. Such as combs for their glorious fleeces, little bells for their necks and pretty ribbons. Just like with any other girlfriend, really. LOL

Maybe Mr Humphere has heard of such dealings?

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:42 pm

Hump created a new email address (that I will distribute of course to those who need it) and lets the inspector know by simply writing:

Quote:

Loaded Creampie

Inspector responds:

Quote:

The Esteemed Mr Ny*sh,

Excellent. Message received. I will communicate with you on this email address. How many others have you used this address with? Just me?

I hate working Saturdays Ny*sh, but this shit storm doesn't let up on the weekends. I have no jurisdiction over that fucking van. I alerted Cameroon authorities and they seem to not give a fuck. I'm not entirely sure what's going on over there, but you stay safe Ny*sh! We need you!

Meanwhile, Hump breaks the sad news to Sister Mary:

Quote:

Madam someone has stolen that gift and all inside ,I did not get them am just sad because you have done so much to help me but something keep going wrong,madam your a good person and I thank god that I know you,I am trying to fine the person that stole it and the delivery company are doing there best to

Quote:

Oh my sweet Mr Hump Here,

Your message make me so sad but I not going to tell the children. Here is what I will do, I will tell them you receive the gifts from them and they are wonderful and make you so happy and you give some to your child and they be very enjoyable and the artwork is now on your refrigerator and the crafts make your house look so nice and that is what I will tell them and they will be so happy today!

I hate to hear of people stealing things and it remind me of that anthony that stole our monies which is very rude indeed and maybe what you do is complain to the police and to the company and I have no doubt they will help you out best way possible.

Team Humphere, I'm pretty busy this weekend, but I'll try to keep up!

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

Hahaha my fool friend I am enjoying my self with my money,go ahead and destroy the van I don't care,you will see toy,I know you miss me,do you want me to come to Cameroon so that we can talk about your love charez Theron,and your big dick?if you want me to come,just tell me and don't run when I come also I will like to reach Lagos so that I will bring the head of bingo for you in cameroon

Quote:

howdy enema

enema yu has rele poblem wit lying all yu dos is li li li li li yu in big trubel i shows van diver yur male were yu says yu dont car if we makes him deded and he get rely made he says aftar all i gon thru 4 him how can he trete me dis way??? i says wel van diver he is a pece of shit dat dont car abot any won but him self so yu giv me dat saf combernaton and i lets yu go and we shows him rite??? but he say dat wen he stated diving van he tuk an othe so he cant do dat i respact dat enema so may be we lets him go ok???

so wat lis yu gonna tel me now???

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 12:53 pm

Hump emails the inspector from his new address to ask about Mike's spy network:

Quote:

I got the email from mike but am not sure what he want and how we both can benefit from it,can you explain more better?

Not really... No clue what MrM has planned. Very Happy

Quote:

To be honest, I don't entirely know what Mike does since it is that secretive. He is involved in higher up intelligence and recruits top spies from around the world. He has been monitoring our conversations and mentioned to me that he could use your help in Nigeria and beyond.

My understanding is that his agents are highly compensated. It is an extreme honor to be selected by him so I would not pass up this opportunity. I've known Mike for nearly 20 years so he can be trusted, but like I said, he doesn't tell me what he is involved in since it is so Top Secret.

Sorry, but that is all I know! You'll make the right decision!

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

He is confused about the modeling offer

Quote:

Mr Joe I got your email and thank you for your offer,but I am a little confuse,can you explain well everything you need from me and everything about it ,so that I will look into it and reply you

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:08 pm

^^^ For a guy on a safari who supposedly hasn't eaten is days, he's mighty active this morning. Two new job offers, hunting down hostages, looking for Fellatio. What a perfect day!

To the inspector:

Quote:

Thank you sir I will keep you updated about mike,but on fellatio,since yesterday,they has been torturing the van delivery agent to give them the code to open the van and take my package but he refuse to give it to them,only god knows how much pain he can take

Quote:

Holy shit I know you told me they took the driver but I didn't realize he was being tortured! Fuck me that's a whole new issue. Ahh fuck, any idea where they are? I'm not sure I can even do anything for the guy.

Fellatio and torture don't really go together but I suppose anything is possible. And you said "they" have been torturing him. I'm guessing Muttely and Fellatio are now together? Shit. Just the perfect storm brewing. I'll get on this now and you let me know if you can get their location. No doubt they know the van has GPS but that can be disabled easily.

And here I thought it was going to be an easy Saturday. Well fuck me.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:24 pm

I have something interesting planned for "Bonzi Buddy". First, he actually needs to respond to my email about operational security. Hopefully he is working on it now, especially since I know he is checking his email. Can the inspector remind him that if he has been so fortunate as to receive an email from me, he should really stop being lazy and respond? As for my plan, he's going to be sent on recon missions around wherever he is, eventually going farther away, to take pictures of landmarks just to annoy him. After that, he will maybe do "dead drops", where he will waste precious money printing out stuff and hopefully get arrested for suspicious behavior. He may also have to deliver packages or tell people code phrases, which is also intended to get him beat up or arrested. In short, this won't be the best career for him. Or maybe it will, who knows?

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

He is scared. To Penfold

Quote:

Good day my excellency ,how is everything going ?and I hope the campaign is going well? Forgive me for not asking you all this time just that I am stressed up,I understand all you said about sis but that is not the case,here is the update of what is happening here,since yesterday fellatio has been torturing the van delivery agent to give them the code to open the van but the man refuse,but know idea which part of Cameroon they are,as I have notify the company,sir my life is in danger but if I get the package I can go far,also had it been that I have money here,I would have done a small campaign video with people of Cameroon in French that was the surprise I wanted to give you but things did not go as I plan,I just wanted to let you know how things are,thank you and takecare of your self my excellency

eta - sent from his new email address

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 2:35 pm

His latest complaint:

Quote:

Bro you and your boss are the one that send this package to me and the company refuse to give up there address or phone number making it had for me to know who am looking for,bro I have been here since Sunday chasing goast,had it been you people gave me real information on this company,it will be nice,now I am on the street with no Idea who and were to get my package,all I have is email.bro this is hell and everybody I tell about it end up telling me it is scam,bro does this company have any office in your country
At all? Bro all am asking is for you or Mr penfold to contact there office in use to get the correct address here and phone number,bro with due respect,I did everything you people ask from me,now that I need you people are you going to forsake me? Are you going to leave me out here all alone,bro please help me

This is all his fault. If he just moved his lazy butt to Maiduguri to rescue Wolfie, or met up with Moses, none of this would be an issue. He still hasn't responded to Mike yet. Hopefully he will do that at some point.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 3:23 pm

For those joining us late, or who are thoroughly confused as to who is who, I've written a character guide on the very first post of this thread.

To Inspector:

Quote:

Yes sir the two are together and bingo is in Lagos Nigeria waiting for me to return

Excellent.

Quote:

Hmmm, not the development I was hoping for. We're aware of Bingo's location, we just don't know who he is. Nelson and Fellatio together is a bad combination. I've called an emergency weekend meeting with my team and we're going to figure out how to find them all in one swoop.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 3:37 pm

I sent him another poke since he has been lazy:

Quote:

Bonzi Buddy,
I need confirmation that you have received my message. The Snorkys are planning something. We have intel. I know about Mr. Wolfgang, and how he was kidnapped. I need confirmation now.

I hope he's honored to know that he's named after an annoying purple monkey. Hopefully he responds soon.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Penfold replies

Quote:

Who is this and how did you get this email address?

Quote:

Sir is me humphere igudu n*ash,the snorkey boys hack into my email address,so I have to open another email,you can ask me question for you to be sure it is me.humphere,the email you send me yesterday was that someone saw those my video and want me to model for him,but you told him that am not interested because you said you know how much I like my privecy,but I later ask you to give him my contact.if you still have doubt just ask me question then I will answer you.

Quote:

Nice try. Is this Feathers? Kid, I swear to God I will pull the switch on you personally.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Humphere spent the day in Mbalmayo...

Quote:

sir we are in were in town,we are coming there now

Quote:

Sir I have been in the meeting for long now,were are you?I told I don't want to come and I will not see you,why are you people doing like this?I will not east much time here again if you did not email me,by 11am I will leave this place,why can't you people serious?

Quote:

I am at the clinic in side the New town Cathedral

Quote:

Thank you for everything. I have gone back to Yaoundé,

Quote:

Good evening sir,how are you today. what real happened today. You gave me an appointments and I reached there by 10am and you didn't honour your appointment. At the look of thing it is not becoming funny any longer. When am I getting my parcel?

And to Customer Care:

Quote:

Mrs Susan good morning and I do hope your alright? Madam this morning Mr moses gave me another location far from Yaounde to meet him there by 9am,I have been there yet no trace of him,why is your people like this? What are you people hidden from? Does it mean your company don't have office instead of send your customer from one town to another ? Which company does like that in this modern world? Madam I have made up my mind to leave this package and go back to my country Nigeria since your do not want to deliver it to me,now he told me you ask him to give me $1000 for my personal expenses, your company cost me now he is no were to be found and also the delivery van that has my package has gone missing ,let me ask you how do you people plan to deliver my package to me? Or do you and your company want to take my package for your own personal use or return it back to USA? Please email me I need to know how you plan to resolve this,but as for me i will go back to my country after today and if I did not get any positive response fast enough,be rest assure that I AM GOING TO PRESS LEGAL CHARGES ON YOUR COMPANY and Your contract will be revoked and you pay a huge damages.I will contact the lawyer of my parcel sender right away and the sender .thank you for all the ill treatment your company has cost me.
Looking at it there other way,is this your poor and ill human delivery system the way you rate your company as a Five star courier services company. I am seriously surprised. Is this poor service of delivery service the way one can market your company to my country Nigeria.NO WAY!

Quote:

Madam,it is really unbelievable to me and anyone I told my story in Yaoundé Cameroon. I don't know the intension of your officers here in Yaoundé office ,if their plan is for me to go back to my country and they will steal my parcel. However,you know the whot of that parcel and what it will cost your company if anything happen to it or if it get lost.maybe them here in Cameroon don't know. Can you believe that up till now that is 4:30pm ,Mr.Moses Malone who gave me an appointment out side the Yaoundé town by 9am ,have not contacted me till now.why is your company officers treating me like this,I am bitterly in a big menace here. I have been wearing on cloth since 5days,no accommodation,no money to feed on still you're costing me more pains. In fact,I have turned to a foreign begger in Yaoundé Cameroon because of your officer. I don't know what else to do here ,I am now a suspect at the park that I am sleeping. All I want from you at this point is give me the Office address of your office here in Yaoundé and a contact phone number even if it is your customers relation officer. Let me go there and see them. Or should we believe that you don't have office in Cameroon?
Thank

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 5:42 pm

If he wants to press legal charges, I am sure that Penfold would be moved to help. He's been quiet to me; I'm guessing he's a bit too busy to respond to my emails now. This bait is giving me flashbacks to the Eric and Franklin bait. Where should Mr. Humphere go next? I think he should explore Yaounde a bit more. When he responds to me, I will give him a recon mission somewhere in Yaounde. Have the Snorkys found his new account yet? There is nowhere he can hide. Everything is his fault. Is it common for baits to have this many people involved? In order, we have Lake, Jayhawk, me, Yastreb, and Mr. Labowski. I should read through the full bait again.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

The Snorkys are not aware of his new addie yet. Feathers and Muttley are quite busy with Wolfgang and the Van. I'm thinking Muttley will get a medal when this is all said and done. (70's cartoon reference)

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Moses explains his absence today:

Quote:

A million and one apologies Mr. Humphere!

It was not my intent to do this. No sir! It is just that there were developments with poor Wolfgang that has distracted me from my task. He has been hurt. Hurt very badly indeed. In very horrible ways. I care for him like a son, I cannot imagine what I would do if anything were to happen to him! We are still locating the van. I pray that as soon as Wolfgang wakes up he will be able to give us information about the vans whereabouts!

Again I am so sorry! This is a terrible time for me. Where are you now? I am going to speak with Susan at the Customer Care Department. Considering the circumstance, I think it is only fair to increase your payment to $2,000 USD. Please pray for Wolfgang. And please update me on your current status!

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 6:42 pm

^ If you need Roger to be the GPS E complaints department again, I'd be happy to step in.

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 6:47 pm

^ I'll let Mr L determine the best time for that! Great idea!

Wolfie picks the perfect time to escape!

Quote:

PLEASE HELP! I ESCAPE WHEN THEY MAKE LOT NOISE WITH PROSTITUTES IN VAN! I ROLL ONTO SIDE OF ROAD IN DITCH TO HIDE. NOT KNOW WHERE I AM. ONLY 13% BATTERY. STILL BLEEDING AND VERY HURT. IT GETTING DARK AND I SCARED! PLEASE TRY FIND ME! IT LOOK LIKE NEAR SANAGA RIVER AND MAYBE MVANE! I NOT KNOW WHERE TO GO!!! MASTER MALONE OR ANYONE ELSE PLEASE HELP SOON! I VERY HURT! THIS IS WOLFIE!!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

I think Roger would be a fine addition to the GPS staff. Once everything settles down, I think GPS will need to go to great lengths to prevent him from suing the company. I'm sure he would be awarded a sizeable claim for all his troubles. A few forms and videos may be required of course...

He actually takes Moses' apology pretty well...

Quote:

Mr moses thank you for your email and also am sorry for Mr Wolfgang and I will keep praying for him.I was angry not because you were not at the meeting point but because you gave me a silent treatment but all the same thank you for emailing me once you have chance,about my current location I never make it to Nigeria because the last money I had with me was the one I use to transport myself to the location you gave me,so I am now in Yaoundé ,please sir this is a very difficult time for us all,please email me (1). Were to meet you tomorrow. ( 2) give me the correct time to meet you(3)if the location you choose is outside Yaoundé, I will not be able to meet you because I don't have any money with me.so let your location be in Yaoundé but let it be in a secured area maybe any were close to police station or military zone,I will wait for your response soon enough

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