Sister Mary *AUDIOBOOKS* *NSFW* SAFARI UPDATE

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Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

The following was sent to Wolfie, and will no doubt be forwarded later to our hero

Quote:

Hello Mr. Wolfgang. Please allow Mr. Muttley to introduce Mr. Muttley. Mr. Muttley is an associate of Mr. Humphere who Mr. Wolfgang has a package for. Mr. Humphere is tired of waiting for delivery company to deliver Mr. Humphere's package so Mr. Humphere has asked Mr. Muttley to pick up the package from Mr Wolfgang intended for Mr. Humphere. Mr. Humphere has decided to go back to Nigeria and lodge a complaint against the terrible service provided by Mr. Wolfgang. Mr. Muttley would like Mr Wolfgang to meet Mr. Muttley at noon in Olembe and Mr. Muttley will take the package. Mr. Humphere will be very upset if Mr. Wolfgang is not in Olembe at noon to give Mr. Muttley the package for Mr. Humphere.

This should get him excited.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:03 am

Nice! After Olembe, if we keep him following the road, we can get him to Bertoua, and from there to the Congo. I guess lunch at the buffet will have to wait for poor Mr. Humphere. Has the physical description of Mr. Bingo been sent to him yet? I'm not sure what would be the most generic average description possible of a person in Cameroon, but I'm pretty sure mine was close. Even in his picture of the bakery I see a tall man in a white shirt. If he believes that Mr. Bingo is fast on his trail, that would certainly help get him to Olembe. He's only really been talking to me once a day now. Part of it may be that I'm not directly connected to the money, and part of it may be that he doesn't feel like narrating every single step of his harrowing journey to me. I'm sure Olembe is a nice place. He will like it there.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 3:11 am

Wolfgang is awake at 5am...

Quote:

Sir, a million and one apologies again. I did receive the message from your associate Mr Muttley in regards to your package and I will meet him at the designated time in Olembe. The displeasure Mr Muttley indicated you have in me is certainly understandable but I will make it up to you by traveling to Olembe first thing after my truck is fixed.

I am told my truck will be repaired before the noontime and that should be in time to meet your associate. It was a pleasure doing business with you sir and I wish you safe travels back to your home.

Unfortunately with no power here last night my phone is nearly dead, but please be assured I will deliver your package as close to the time designated as possible to Mr Muttley.

I can assure you this delay is not representative of the typical service of our company and I do hope you will use our services again in the future.

Sadly, he'll be unavailable the next 8 hours or so. Good night!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

^^Uh oh... Very Happy

The Customer Care Department checks in with him:

Quote:

Good day sir,

Susan here again from the Customer Care Department. I am upset to receive your message and I assure you that there must be some sort of miscommunication. We always say here at GPSe that we strive for 5-star service. It sounds as if you are experiencing something lower, perhaps only 1 or 2 stars at the moment. This is unacceptable I am going to contact Mr. Malone right away and get to the bottom of this. I assure you that proper treatment of our customers is our top priority here at GPSe. I assure you that this will all be sorted out tomorrow.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

Sir the snorkey boys has gone to pick my package they told the divery agent that I send them,this is weakedness,I have been here but the agent kept delaying until now.

Quote:

Once again, this time in English.?

VOTE PENFOLD

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:20 am

Cammy will check in with Mr H soon - she's in shock after seeing her good works undone and what happened afterwards. She doesn't know about his trip, so it'll give him a chance to whinge a bit, and she can give some "wise" advice to wind him up a bit more.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

Yes sir the agent told me that his motto spoiled yesterday after I have waited for the whole day without food,he informed me that Murttley said that I send him to pick it up for me,sir how can this be possible ?which kind of company gives away package without the I'd of the real reciver.now I am waiting for the manager the phone number they gave me don't exist,sir company need to be taking to court,I will email you once you I have something

Quote:

Sir please contact the delivery company in your country and tell them not to give the parcel to any other person but me,I am stranded in that country

Quote:

I do not understand. This company prides itself on Five Star Customer Service. And why did you not eat yesterday? I will see what I can do to get to the bottom of this.

Mr. Humphere, I was contacted last week by a man wanting your contact information. He said that he saw your court video testimony and wanted to hire you for some modeling work. I know how much you value your privacy so I told him you were not interested. I hope that was okay?

VOTE PENFOLD

ets - Yastreb, isn't this Freja day? I thought Cammy doesn't work on Fridays.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:56 am

Quote:

Yastreb, isn't this Freja day? I thought Cammy doesn't work on Fridays

True, but once she's spent Freyja-day in sacred sex for the glory of the Goddess, it's back to work. Cammy has a strong sense of duty.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

To be fair he did threaten to go home to Nigeria more than once. Mr. Malone needs to point that out to him.

He sounds miserable but then again this lad seems to have a talent for embellishing a story. I sure hope he gets his package today.

MrM , Mr Bingo is currently camped out in front of the lads house in Nigeria. Now Mr Mutley and Feathers are in Cameroon going after the package and our lad, a tidbit Feathers will disclose to him

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:55 pm

To Wolfie:

Quote:

I did not send anybody,the muttley is a criminal.do not give him my package

Doesn't sound like panic...

Quote:

Sir do not give my parcel to anyone ,I will take it myself please stop every communication with them,do not give to anybody,but me

Getting there...

Quote:

Mr Wolfgang,I did not send anybody to come get my package,the muttley is a criminal from america,I repeat.do not give my parcel to him.I will collect it in person,if you give him my parcel.you will pay for it,and I will not stop until you pay with your nose

Huh?

Quote:

Mr. Wolfgang ,good morning.pls I want you to understand that I did not instruct or authorized anyone to receive my parcel on my behalf.Anybody communicating with to bring it to Olembe is a scam,I am the Le moulin De France bakery where we agreed yesterday. Right now I am on my way going there.I repeat do not give any agent my parcel on my behalf I warn you .otherwise you and your company will pay me all the lost even my personal expenses here in Cameroon. You have my ID and my picture nothing else will be used to receive it .NO AGENT SHOULD RECEIVE ON MY BEHALF. You can reach me with this phone no.680xxxxxx. I am at Le Moulin De France bakery now.
Thank you
THANK.

I'm still not understanding...

Quote:

Mr.Wolfgang Br0oks / Moses M. ,good morning.i have just be informed by Mr.Wolfgang Br0oks that someone by name Mr Murttley sent a message to that he is my agent to my parcel.please I want you to understand that I did not instruct or authorized anyone to receive my parcel on my behalf.Anybody communicating with your in Camroon to bring my parcel to Olembe is a scam and fruad,I have been at the picking point for 2days now (this is the second collection point given to me by Mr Wolfgang Br0oks my parcel delivery officer, Le moulin De France bakery where we agreed yesterday. Right now I am there waiting for him.I repeat do not give any agent my parcel on my behalf I warn you .otherwise you and your company will pay me all the lost even my personal expenses here in Cameroon. You have my ID and my picture nothing else will be used to receive it .NO AGENT SHOULD RECEIVE ON MY BEHALF. You can reach me with this phone no.680xxxxxx. I am at Le Moulin De France bakery now.
Thank you
THANK.

Come again?

Quote:

Please you should call your Cameroon office concerning this issue.I have not instructed anybody to receive my parcel on my behalf. I REPEAT IT NOBODY SHOULD RECEIVE MY PARCEL ON MY BEHALF. Since they decided not to call me or give me their office address in Cameroon. I have been at the pick up points giving to me for 3days now.I don't know why your company in Cameroon choose to punish me in this manner. Honestly your Office in Cameroon are not customers friendly, as I am talking to you now I am without money due to their wicked act of delay in delivering my parcel to me.my journey was met to be 2days journey but I have spent 4days on kept and ill treated Please Sir,is that how you attend or treat your customers? I am seriously unhappy God knows. If Mr Wolfgang Br0oks and your office in Cameroon fail to deliver that parcel to today ,I have no option than to tell my senders of my parcel to sue your company to court and claim all my damages including my personal expenses here in Cameroon. I will equally copy my lawyer,the sender of my parcel and your office here in Cameroon. I repeat nobody by name Mr. Murttley,he is not my agent and I do not know him. This the phone contact to reach me here in Cameroon 680xxxxxx
Thanks

x2

Quote:

Sir,I did not send any muttley to collect my package.I am at me moulin De France bakery ,if you give any body my parcel without my I'd,you will pay for it.I repect.do not give anyone my parcel.give it to me in person

Not sure I quite understand yet. (I slept well last night)

Quote:

Sir, I am still waiting for you at Le moulin De France bakery, since 7:30am.what is happening can someone talk to me?

x4

And to the Inspector because for some reason he thinks he can do something?

Quote:

Sir please contact the delivery company,tell them that I did not send any Murttley to come and receive my package for me,because Murttley is now in Cameroon and he has lied to the company that I send him to pick it up,sir I have been were the company ask me to come for 2days now,no trace of them only for them to email me that they are going to deliver my parcel to Murttley.sir call the company in your country and stop them.this is not fair.what have I done to deserve all this? I wait your response

I count 13 emails.

OK! Truck is fixed.

Quote:

Sir, yes a million more apologies. Here is the message I receive form your associate last night:

<snip - copy of Muttley's email>

My truck is finally fixed and I am heading north to meet Mr Muttley, is this not correct? I do not understand and I am so confuse.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

He is threatening to sue? I guess that means more video testimony. I hope he still has that suit

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:17 pm

He is seriously sending emails faster than I can respond to them. Wolfie tries to type a response but 5 more emails come in from him.

Quote:

Mr. Wolfgang ,for you good interest don't go to Olembe I am at Yaoundé ,I have not traveled back to Nigeria.
I am at this point you gave me. Le moulin De France bakery.

Quote:

Mr. Moses, call back Mr Wolfgang .stop him from not going to Olembe those guys are scammers. I have not traveled. You still at Le Moulin De France bakery. I don't know whom Mr. Murttley is ,he is a scammer that want collect my parcel.

Quote:

Sir, I am still waiting for you at Le moulin De France bakery, since 7:30am.what is happening can someone talk to me? This is 3:9pm. Why are you people treating me like this?.it is very unfair ,I am your customer.why all this punishment. This is very unfair.

x2

Yeah, you sent that one already. Lazy...

Wolfie has it figured out finally...

Quote:

OK sir, please believe I trying to understand. Mr Muttley gave me your parcel tracking code and said you were headed home to Nigeria, which you said to me you were going to do yesterday? Remember? But are you not headed home? Did you want me to pick up Mr Muttley first so he can travel home with you? I was going to go to Olembe first but I stop in Obala to get email coverage and I see your messages.

So here what I do. I make some deliveries in Obala and then I need to get some lunch as it been a while since I eat. Then I go to Olembe to get your friend for you, then I find you at the bakery in Yaounde this evening. Then you and friend and package can all go home together.

I'm not going to be able to keep up with him today! Smile

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:25 pm

He also sent me a generic "please help me the Snorky Boys are trying to steal my package" email. I'm guessing my suggestion of following the Snorkys to Olembe will fall on deaf ears. If we need another character for something, I would love to get back in the game more. This is hilarious, and it's even better because I can claim some minuscule part in causing this to happen.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:26 pm

Quote:

Mr.Wolfgang, pls stop your truck and come to Yaounde ,I am in town I have not traveled and nobody should receive the parcel on my behalf. You have my I.D card and my photographs that I snapped at Reunification monument yesterday. COME BACK TO YAOUNDÉ. YOU WILL SEE ME AND DELIVER THE PARCEL .
THANKS. ignore ANY MESSAGE THIS ME HUMPHERE I* N*,THIS IS MY PHONE :

Quote:

Sir, I implore a million more apologies. Your associate just contact me and say he will be in Obala in an hour and he will take the package to you in Yaounde so that will work out for everyone then, yes? I so happy now this all work out perfectly.

Quote:

Please don't go they will attract you and stole peoples parcel.I don't know him Mr. Murttley, he is a criminal. Pls come back to Yauonde and meet me at Le Moulin De France bakery, I am standing in front the bakery. He is not my friend ,he is a criminal that want to hijack my parcel and other. He an internet hacker.thank I am waiting for you at Yaoundé. Come back and don't give my parcel to any so called .I don't have any friend in Olembe.

ETA--

Quote:

Sir, I trying to do my best job possible to get promotion. If you don't know Mr Muttley, how do you know he is a criminal? I so confuse! He saying to stay and you staying to go. I going to stop for lunch and let you two work it out yourself.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Now THAT is what I call five star customer service

ETA I would imagine the bakery is getting pretty tired of him about now

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:38 pm

He really needs some fresh air right now. Instead of being on his phone all the time, he should go take a walk on the lake. That will cheer him up. Wouldn't it be a shame if Wolfie told Muttley where Mr. Humphere was waiting?

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:39 pm

Maybe I should send him to a new bakery. The MrM culinary experience.

Quote:

No pls start coming back .don't give anybody my parcel.I hope you know the implications of what you want to do.I have told time without no.leave that obala and start coming to Yaounde ,he is not my friend.he is a scammer.

Quote:

OK sir, I think I understand. Here is what we do. I going to lunch in Obala right now. That is for certain as is long drive back to Yaounde. I have two easy deliveries here, then I head back to Yaounde to meet you. We meet at the Musee National. When you get there, you send me photo of you in front of building and I meet you there later today? How that sound? Good? Good.

I have to slow him down as I can't burn my whole morning keeping up with him? Jayhawk, PM coming in a few minutes!

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:46 pm

I'm sure he would love it. I still think he should have visited the buffet for lunch, but I don't think he would appreciate it. My only concern is that he isn't getting fed properly. Very Happy

Of course, my main priority is his suffering.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:54 pm

I would like to see MrM get more involved as well as you've done a fantastic job. We'll think of something, or PM me if you have an idea.

To Wolfgang:

Quote:

Mr Murttley is a criminal from usa trying to steal from me,sir that parcel is mine and if you deliver that parcel to Murttley,you will loose your job and I will make sure you pay me back everything,I am the owner and am telling you don't give my parcel to any body .I am waiting for you here in youande .please do not give it to him,he is a criminal from usa trying to steal from me.and he will steal a lot from you,so I wait for you here in youande as the owner ,come here and give it to me,I have informed moses too.if you give it to him,I will aresst you and anybody that knows you

That doesn't sound very polite.

In response to Wolfie's plan...

Quote:

I have no problem with that I am going to Reunification monument there right now to snap the pictures and send to you.but do not allow Mr Murttley to meet you. Hope you said you are working for promotion,if that criminal meet you,you loose peoples parcels in your van. And don't bring Murttley to me. He is armed and dangerious .I don't want to see anybody like that for the safety of my parcel.

Dumbass. I told him Musee National. Hope this doesn't cause any more confuse.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 2:19 pm

From Wolfie...

Quote:

OK sir, I understand. You go to Musee National and take picture. I meet you there. I am having lunch right now and I will head back to Yaounde.

I am at good bakery and the food is very good and a fellow delivery driver is here and we are sharing stories and making fun of this one kid at other table who is just staring at us. He looks so serious this poor little kid. I have never seen him around this bakery before so we are going to buy lunch for him too.

Sir, again a million apologies and I be back in Yaounde in maybe 90 minutes.

I thought about including something about him wearing a Beaver Island t-shirt but I didn't want to make it too obvious. So finally, I can get started with my day IRL!

ETA a quickie from the Inspector:

Quote:

The Esteemed Mr Ny*sh,

I'm not understanding you. Are you feeling okay? How do you know Muttley is in Cameroon? That makes no sense since you are in Nigeria. What a fucking shit show. Any word on Nelson?

Okay, I meant Fellatio. Sorry everyone... Smile

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 4:01 pm

This is just a brilliant bait, all around. How will you top this one Lake Amour? LOL.

Jayhawk wrote:

See, there was this lottery scammer, and a Nun got him to read a bunch of books, including 50 shades of Gray, to orphans, and when the Nun went to pay him for it she was beaten by a 13 year old orphan and left for dead. Now it turns out this 13 year old orphan has Satanic powers as well as a thing for the actress Charlize Theron. When the orphan got arrested for murdering another orphan the scammer sent in video testimony......

This would be a great place to list all the lad has done, so far...

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

He sent me Moses at least a dozen emails. Most of them have already been posted. Needless to say, he's starting to get stressed.

Quote:

Mr. Moses, call back Mr Wolfgang .stop him from not going to Olembe those guys are scammers. I have not traveled. You still at Le Moulin De France bakery. I don't know whom Mr. Murttley is ,he is a scammer that want collect my parcel.

All those emails still didn't make it clear to Moses...

Quote:

Hello Sir,

I am just starting my late afternoon shift here and I surprised that I am reading all of these email messages from you. It was my understanding that you would be meeting with Wolfgang earlier this afternoon? I know that he had some troubles with his vehicle that were not in his control, but I believe that has all been sorted now.

Please sir, your messages are all very short and do not include good detail. Why is this Mr. Muttley person trying to steal your package? And why is he your traveling partner if you are calling him a scammer? This is very concerning to me. We are tasked with the job of safe and secure delivery of your parcel and we need to be certain that it gets into the right hands. I am worried about this person that you are partners with. If this Mr. Muttley person is not trustworthy we may need to choose a different pickup point to ensure the safe delivery of your package.

Not. Happy.

Quote:

Hi Mr. Moses,Since morning you never cared to respond to my mails not even one.neither do you care if I have received my parcel up till this time of the day. I have been standing at the Musee national which your man Wolfgang asked me to wait for since 4pm. You can imaging the kind of ill treatment and punishment you have given to me since 4days now.
Honestly I am short of words. One thing is sure ,there is God. Pls call Wolfgang and know where he is.And I didn't asked anybody to receive it in my behalf. Just emaging the time so I will sleep again in the park without food since morning.
Thank you

Of course, it's always the lads fault.

Quote:

Sir, why are you at the Musee National? In your last message you told me you were at the bakery and now you have moved? I believe this is a part of the problem, if you are going to be visiting different sites in Yaounde throughout the day then you need to communicate that with me and Wolfgang so that we know where you are. Just like when I went to the Monument and you weren't there because you had moved to the Bakery without letting me know. Please be clear where you are going to be. I will contact Wolfgang and get his current location. Let's get this taken care of today.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

<br>

Quote:

Mr Wolfgang gave me a new place which I have been standing since 4pm. He said I should wait for him at Musee national.
Sorry I do not have any partner sir ,the Murttley is a scammer I don't know anything about him and he not my agent. Your office have my ID and picture which should be used for collection of my parcel another thing short of that is not acceptable to me or my parcel sender.

Quote:

Please if I may ask why do this Wolfgang want or chose to deliver my parcel by night? What kind of service is this.I am suspecting a foul play by your delivery officer. Have you been able to reach him,because he told me that he was enjoying himself at Obala with some friends. If I wait till 8pm. I will leave Musee national and go back to park and see if I can find a parcel to sleep.
Call him and find out what is holding him there.I am happy

Foul play from Wolfy? Never!

Quote:

Alright. I will reach out to Wolfgang and see what is going on. Please stay in your current location. I assure you, Wolfgang is my most trusted employee. I believe he is stressed about this situation because of the vehicle trouble that he has been having. I am going to get all this sorted. I will be in touch.

I won't be in touch. Very Happy

I'll be away from the computer for the afternoon, so poor Humphere is just going to have to deal with that.

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 5:06 pm

He didn't catch on that the kid in the bakery is Muttely...

Quote:

Hi Mr. Wolfgang, I want to find out if you are close to Musee national. Because I am waiting for you there.

Quote:

Sir I am still waiting at musee national ,how close are you? And check your time is more than 90minutes ,please do not suffer me any more,email me back and remember do not give Murttley my parcel,

Quote:

OK enjoy your meal .but do not deliver that parcel to Murttley .I am there right now at musee National.
See the pictures. But keep to your time.(5:30pm).drive safe and don't drink

Very good advice for everyone. Thanks lad!

Quote:

Mr Wolfgang where are you .

He didn't connect the dots at all. Do we need to do everything for him?

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:16 pm

Since our hero can't figure this out himself, the Inspector sends a message:

Quote:

The Esteemed Mr Ny*sh,

We're still working this shit with Fellatio. We're trying to decipher all their emails but they are using a system we don't understand. BUT!!! One just came through unencrypted! We think it's from Muttely to Fellatio or Bingo and it says simply:

"I have the van!"

Any help on what this fucking shit means?

Hopefully he finally puts this together. I still have doubts. Hope Wolfie is okay. I kind of like him!

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