Sister Mary *AUDIOBOOKS* *NSFW* SAFARI UPDATE

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:09 am

I'm pretty sure he's in Yaounde right now. He has told multiple people that he is there, and he has been pretty honest about his troubles so far. He really doesn't like Cameroonian people. He will have to tell us later. Where is he going next? My vote is for Gabon or Chad.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

I think he probably is, but I'd like to get a confirmation. If we can get a phone number out of him I will give him a call.

I was thinking Gabon or the Congo sound nice.

The Customer Care department checks in with him:

Quote:

Good day Sir,

This is Susan from the GPSE Customer Care department. Just checking in that you are receiving exemplary service from our delivery crew in Cameroon. We strive for 5-star service for all of our customers. We hope that we are meeting and exceeding your expectations!

Baiting Guru Joined: 25 Jul 2017 Posts: 2107

It has been funny watching this develop but when Susan from customer care sends that message I just lost it laughing so hard. My children are wondering what is so darn funny and I just said it's too hard to explain! Classic stuff there.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:56 am

Somehow I'm not expecting a five-star review. I checked the temperature in Yaounde, and it's a nice chilly 70 degrees Fahrenheit. He's a wimp. Why doesn't he get a blanket or something? Hopefully tomorrow we get more tales of woe. I want his picture so I can claim my pith helmet. This lad has been a signature icon generating machine. We have videos, a jackboot, and a piggy or two. Next up, hopefully a tattoo or something. If I were really ambitious, I would say I want a golden pith, but we are very far away from that. We need him to get a few more stamps in his non-existent passport first.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Sparky905, don't even try to explain. This one cannot possibly be understood unless you start from the beginning, and even then it is a tough sell

See, there was this lottery scammer, and a Nun got him to read a bunch of books, including 50 shades of Gray, to orphans, and when the Nun went to pay him for it she was beaten by a 13 year old orphan and left for dead. Now it turns out this 13 year old orphan has Satanic powers as well as a thing for the actress Charlize Theron. When the orphan got arrested for murdering another orphan the scammer sent in video testimony......

Look dad/mom, if you don't want to tell us, that's fine.... But stop making things up......

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 3:35 am

^^^ Yup, a few months ago it was easy to explain this to friends who asked. Now... I don't know where to even begin.

Wolfie is about to start his shift (and I am about to go to bed, so I'm thinking Wolfie is going to be busy for 8 hours or so...)

Quote:

Sir, I am about to start my morning shift and will be north of the city most of my route today. Again, if you message me or Master Malone when you get to the monument, we can arrange for pickup. We typically do not give out phone numbers as it increases our costs and email is far more reliable than the phone services here. Again, I implore you to message when you reach the monument and we can ensure your package will be delivered to you.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Quote:

Sir I am writing to you because without you this package will not be possible,since Sundayi have been in Cameroon no food not taking my bath ,I have been through a lot here,the delivery company refuse to give me a phone number to call,the first address the gave me does not exist,now the youande address does not exist again ,I have been standing were they ask to for long now I have lost count of how long yet nothing,I don't have money to go back,sir with due respect,if they don't want to give me this package,they should at least be bold enough to tell me so that I will move on,it is very penful here abs I don't know how long I can take it,please sir I need your help

Quote:

Hello Mr. Humphere

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles receiving your package. Rest assured that when I am elected Governor one of my first tasks will be reviewing the delivery contract. This type of service is unacceptable.

Mr. Humphere, I am afraid we have bigger problems. The criminal Feathers has broken out of jail. Remember how I told you that Governor Snyder removed all the wardings in the criminal Feathers cell as he said it was costing the taxpayers too much money? It looks like those wardings were the only thing keeping the criminal from escaping. It was a horrible scene, with dead prison guards everywhere. We are searching everywhere but so far we have not found him. He has a special hatred for you, and it would not surprise me if he is trying to make arrangements to go to Africa to visit you in person. So be very careful

VOTE PENFOLD!

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:09 pm

Well, isn't this fun. Wolfie's route took him well out of data coverage, and he gets back to... (i.e. I wake up to...)

Quote:

Good morning sir I am standing in front of the reunification monument now,and steering at the round park there.can someone come quick and get me

Quote:

I am at the reunification monument now,please send someone to come and get me

Quote:

Sir I am standing at the reunification monument, how long will I stand there? 680xxxxxx call me,

Quote:

Sir,honestlyi am not happy the way your company had treated me.since9am I have been standing at the Reunification monument park.I am tired.what do you want me to do.call me with this no or give me a phone no.call me with this no 680xxxxxx

Quote:

Sir I am still at the monument right now,please email me back

Insistent...

Wolfie finally replies (i.e. I woke up.)

Quote:

Sir, my apologies as my route had taken me well out of our coverage area. I am working my way back into the city now and expect to be there in about 90 minutes. I will meet you at the monument then.

Quote:

I am still waiting there

Quote:

I am still waiting for you there.90mins will be around 2:45 pm or 3pm.pls I am leaving today back to Nigeria. Let your 90mins be 90mins. I have been standing since 9am.thanks

Quote:

Yes sir, a million apologies. I am just passing through checkpoint in Obala and expect to be there within an hour. Where at the monument are you waiting? Can you send a quick photo so I meet you at the correct spot?

So close to resolving all of this. Surely by this evening, all will be well. Except for Wolfie ignoring that pesky check engine light...

Meanwhile, the Inspector writes...

Quote:

Holy fuck Ny*sh are we in a shit show now! I fucking kid you not that fucker Fellatio got out!!! No fucking clue how he did this but four guards were killed, entirely dismembered, their bowels lying lose everywhere. A literal shit show I tell you!!! I've never seen anything like it!

Ny*sh, you need to watch out! I'm not sure how everyone you talk to escapes from my grasp and if I find out you're behind this I'm going to disembowel you my own fucking self!

Fucking hell I now have to send every man out now to look for Fellatio! We can't rest until we get Fellatio!!! Ny*sh, if you get any fucking clue, anything at all on where to find Fellatio you need to fucking send it to me immediately!!!

I believe that is now 9 deaths in this bait. Pastor, Eliot, Hump's wife, Doody, Juror #1, and the four guards.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:45 pm

To Inspector:

Quote:

Sir I am very sad because uptill now you don't trust me,I have never hidden anything from you,I told you 2days ago that nelson said they are breaking him out,I told you that nelson is muttley but he escape ,sir how can i be part of this thing?yet am information and I have never given you any wrong information,well feather email me last note after his escape ,but I will update you once I have something I promise

Quote:

It's not that I don't trust you Ny*sh! You've been great but somehow these guys keep slipping away! We had four guards on Fellatio! FOUR! Now all dead! I haven't even gone to tell their wives yet. Their weapons were stolen so I can only think Fellatio and now probably Nelson are in possession of them.

So we're armed heavily again with ball ammo until we can get Fellatio. And we're shooting to kill this time.

Penfold is furious. This really damages his campaign. I don't fucking care to be honest. My job is to catch criminals. I know you warned me, but I did everything I could! What else was I supposed to do?

You'd think I could get one fucking day off. After we get Fellatio, I'm having a cigarette and taking some time to myself. Enough of this shit!

I know, I'm reusing already used double entendrees. Tough...

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:50 pm

And to Wolfie...

Quote:

I am standing in front of the mtn sign post at the monument ,you will see the mtn sign post at that round park at the monument, I will be waiting

Well... not sure if this is enough proof??? He looks tired. Vacations are supposed to be refreshing!

Quote:

Yes sir I am on my way. I got tied up at the checkpoint in Obala and will be there in 30 minutes or less. I've had to stop for gas and I see your picture. There are many of those MTN signs around. Can you send one with the monument in the background and I will know exactly where you are? I be there soon and again million apologies!

Quote:

Towards road leading Ministry of Defence .And the reunification monument park there only one MTN sign post here.

I'm not going to get the photo I want...

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:18 pm

Poor Mr. Humphere...

Quote:

Bro since I came to Cameroon,I have been through handcuff,I have been detained,I have slept at police check point ,I don't have money to go back,which kind of country is this?now I am in youande ,the customer service refuse to give to give me there number they only told me to stand at the reunification monument were they told me to wait and email.yet for hours no reply.bro I plead with you if this is a game please tell me let me go,if this package is not real,I accept defeat just tell me so that I will go this country is not hood for forigneers.email me back

The only solution is to keep trying to find Mr. Wolfie, I'm afraid. The picture, combined with all of his testimony about the terrible conditions, would seem to indicate a safari, but I honestly have no idea. As long as he is suffering, I do not care that much.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:23 pm

Team Humphere, we have success!!!

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:33 pm

Well,

! We did it! Now after this, we only need to move him toward Gabon in a few days, or at least further away from Nigeria.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:36 pm

I'll be impressed if we can get him that far. From his email to you he sounds like he's about to resign.

In the meantime...

To Wolfgang:

Quote:

I am still waiting oh

Yes, Wolfie fucking knows. You've told him a dozen times...

Oh oh...

Quote:

Yes sir, a million and one apologies. I pulled out form gas station and got about 2km south and the engine light comes on in the truck and then white smoke start pouring out profusely. I am now walking back to gas station to get some help. It going to be some delay and accept my apologies. I be there as soon as I can.

I've got things to do this morning so that will be it for now. Hope he finds a good place for dinner.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 2:33 pm

To Wolfie:

Quote:

Sir how close are you now,because I am suppose to be in the motto park now to go back Nigeria,how close are you and how many more minute's do I have to wait?

x3

Quote:

Sir, yes please a million more apologies. I walked back to service station and mechanic looking at delivery truck now and he say it may be a few hours before fixed. He is not exactly sure what is wrong but he is calling for a tow truck to get it back to the station and he will look at it more. I will update you as needed. Might I suggest sir while you wait the Le Moulin de France bakery nearby? They have very nice things there and will fill the time with pleasant baked goods while you wait.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

So much lad pain this morning...

Quote:

Sir I am standing in reunification monument ,pleas I don't want to wait the whole day,call me on this number 6*****

Quote:

Sir,honestlyi am not happy the way your company had treated me.since9am I have been standing at the Reunification monument park.I am tired.what do you want me to do.call me with this no or give me a phone no.call me with this no

Quote:

Mr moses how can you and your company be this weaked you left me at the monument since morning knowing too well that am not from your country .you ignore me what if anything happens to me? I don't like this .please your man to tell me were he is,let me go and take my parcel and go

And in a message titled "I am so unhappy with this ill treatment":

Quote:

Sir,it is great the way you and your company have treated me since 3days .since 9am you have not cared to ask about me or cared to ask if your delivery man had given me the parcel.I am happy that since your man asked me to wait for him Reunification monument park till this evening, he asked me to wait again at Le Moulin de France bakery it is over 3hours I have been here,no sign of him,no response from you,your company or him. This is not the best way to sell you services to Foreigners .thank you for the punishments. I will let your office in USA and the sender of my parcel know all this. Now i don't have any money left to eat or pay for accommodation and I will equally miss my bus back to Nigeria. thank you

And he also complains to the Customer Care department:

Quote:

Madam,what kind of customer services is this? your Cameroon office refuse to give me phone number to call when I get to there office now I have been standing in front of monument reunification for hours now nobody is coming to pick me up.I have send. Email to both manager and the delivery officer yet no reply.what is that? Is this the kind of stress you give your customer?please contact ,please contact them and tell them to come and take me to there office.I am standing were they say I should stand

Unfortunately, today was Moses' day off. He thought that young Wolfgang was handling everything..

Quote:

Hello Mr. Humphere,

Sir I am sorry to hear about this. Today was my relaxation day, I am just getting your emails now. Have you not been in communication with Wolfgang? I told him that he should meet with you as soon as possible once you have confirmed you are at the Reunification Monument. He should have been there within the hour!

Yes you can reach me through our main office line, it is <snip whistling pickle number> extension 112. This number goes to our automated system, so be sure that you chose extension 112 when it prompts you, the call will be routed directly to me.

I am not certain why this has happened today, but I assure you we will make it right with you sir. Customer Service is our top priority and we wish to retain you as a customer. Please ring me as soon as possible and we will make the proper arrangements for delivery.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Quote:

I am still at the le Moulin De France bakery waiting for Mr. Wolfgang .I don't know what to do again.no money to pay for accommodation and my bus is leaving by 8pm. You can call me <snip> I don't have airtime to call.I am in front of Le moulin De France Pharmacy. Thanks

The bakery? Moses thought that he was at the Unification Monument! Uh oh, that's confusing...

He has no airtime.. that's his problem. I'll let him wait a while before I respond.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Sep 2013 Posts: 2210

Quote:

I have waited up till this time left there. let me go and look for motor park were I will pass my night. I say a big thanks to you,Wolfgang and your company for this treatment. Good night

He's so pissed. Very Happy

Quote:

Hello Mr Humphere,

I am confused here. It was my understanding that you were waiting at the Monument. I just drove town there to find you, and you were not there. Keep in mind that this is my relaxation day. Now I am reading your previous email and you were waiting at le Moulin De France Bakery?

Sir this is confusing and I please request that you stay put in one place, and if you are going to move to a different location then please let me or Wolfgang know where you are going to be so that we will not spend time looking in the wrong place.

Have you heard from Wolfgang this evening? Your package is secured in the safe in his van. I have not been able to reach him tonight. If you hear from him please communicate clearly where you are going to be waiting in the morning so we don't have another miscommunication.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:39 pm

Sorry, working in the yard the last few hours. Beautiful day here...

Wolfie can finally check his email after his phone battery died. Wowsers.. Many of the same emails as above he cc'd to Wolfie...

Quote:

Mr moses how can you and your company be this weaked you left me at the monument since morning knowing too well that am not from your country .you ignore me what if anything happens to me? I don't like this .please your man to tell me were he is,let me go and take my parcel and go

Quote:

Sir give me your current location were you are,I will come and meet you there,I don't want to sleep in this country today.tell me how to fine the place you are.so that I will come and take my parcel from you.or I will leave it for you and go then you and your company will come and answer me in the law court,email back

Quote:

Thank you sir,you have really treated me like a trash.I don't have anything to tell you and your company but have it in mind that you and your company are not customers friendly. I will go to the bakery not withstanding if I have eaten since 9am you told me to wait for you.I am asking you were did the car spoiled so that I can come there and take it. Tell me where are so that I will come collecte it.I will not be happy if you make me miss my bus.

Quote:

I am now at Le Moulin de France bakery opposite CAA building.pls it is 6pm my bus will be leaving soon .where are you?

Edit -- yes, his photo.

I found the place on Google and it had good reviews. Hope he enjoyed it and maybe left a good review as well.

Quote:

Sir,it is great the way you and your company have treated me since 3days .since 9am you have not cared to ask about me or cared to ask if your delivery man had given me the parcel.I am happy that since your man asked me to wait for him Reunification monument park till this evening, he asked me to wait again at Le Moulin de France bakery it is over 3hours I have been here,no sign of him,no response from you,your company or him. This is not the best way to sell you services to Foreigners .thank you for the punishments. I will let your office in USA and the sender of my parcel know all this. Now i don't have any money left to eat or pay for accommodation and I will equally miss my bus back to Nigeria. thank you

I didn't tell him to wait there, just to pass the time there.

Quote:

I am still wait for you oooooo. look at the weather it want to rain and I am still outside there waiting for you.

oooooo?

Finally...

Quote:

Oh sir, yes a million apologies. The truck it cannot be fixed soon as they have worked on it for many hours. My phone died and I am stuck in this awful town for the night and I am hoping Master Malone send me a rescue truck in the morning. I will try to get someone else on this route to come get me but I fear they completes their shift already. The weather here is turning bad so I going to sleep in the small shelter here. I will find you tomorrow and get you your delivery with good service.

Quote:

Pls i have left Le moulin De France to where I will sleep.pls tell Mr Wolfgang to meet me at this place Le moulin de france bakery by 8am tomorrow morning.Tell him to come with my transport 20,000 France to enable me go back to my country because as I am talking to you I don't any money at all.I want you to confirm that he will be there by 8am tomorrow.

Wolfie is with the truck. No way he can be there by 8am.

It sounds like he's having a nice time so far. I hope we can show him the chimpanzees.

ETA -

Quote:

Yes sir, plenty of apologies to you. Mechanic say he needs to work on truck more in the morning so I await another truck to be sent or another driver and then we transfer the deliveries into that one and come find you. I will message Master Malone and I assure you with the good service we provide that we will meet you at the earliest possible convenience. Please sir accept sincerest million apologies and enjoy your evening. I look forward to providing you good service tomorrow.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 8:20 pm

From the Inspector:

Quote:

The Esteemed Mr Ny*sh,

What a shit show I tell you. Just a fucking mess. We got a few solid leads on Fellatio and Nelson. We're just having trouble putting it all together. They are in contact with someone named Mr Bingo and we think the Bingo guy is in Nigeria. So you should probably keep an eye out! We don't know how accurate the information is.

Also, we believe Fellatio and Nelson are out of the country. We've intercepted a few messages between those three and they are all garbled so we can't decipher them, but we think they have originated from Africa. It could be a ruse. We have no other fucking leads to go on.

We've alerted Nigerian authorities to the new developments but they act like it's no big deal and they have better things to do. Fucking hell if I don't get Fellatio soon I'm going to blow!

Foreshadowing is fun... Smile

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:41 pm

I haven't heard much recently from him except for what I posted earlier. He only really messages me to complain now. I hope he enjoyed some nice pastries while waiting for Wolfie. I could really do with a nice eclair right now. There are a few places which sell cream puffs in my city, but there aren't really any traditional patisseries. There is a 10% chance of thunderstorms starting at 11 AM tomorrow in Yaounde. I hope he appreciates the weather. Maybe tomorrow Mr. Bingo could be spotted at the Nigeria-Cameroon border. I want him really scared of strangers. If he is described as a tall African man with short hair who wears a white shirt, he would be really terrified.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:11 pm

Congratulations on the safari! He looks so happy!

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:26 pm

^^^ Thank you, he sure does. I'm sure the bakery was excellent judging by the Google reviews.

Wolfie is resting comfortably in the shelter for the night. Despite it being midnight there, the lad is still persistent. Hope he doesn't stay up too late.

Quote:

Pls I am waiting for your reply based on the time tomorrow morning. I don't want you to keep me any long here than necessary.

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:34 pm

Why wouldn't you want him to stay up late? If he oversleeps, he would miss Wolfie, and that would kind of not be nice for him. Tell him to meet you for lunch at La Marmite Du Boulevard tomorrow. It looks really good based on the pictures, but it may be a bit expensive for him. He should just walk into the restaurant to find Wolfie. Alternatively, you could tell him to meet you on the bank of the lake Municipal. He can have fun walking around to try and find you there. While he's there, he should really enjoy Yaounde. It seems like there are plenty of places to go, and there's definitely good food. That's what I mainly care about. Very Happy

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:51 pm

Ah, more of a culinary experience. That does sound nice. Wolfgang's truck needs to get fixed first. (I wonder if I can have the lad tell him his truck is nice? Laughing

)

He hasn't responded to Sister in days, so she sends a poke spilling the beans on what she included for him...

Quote:

Oh dear Mr Hump Here,

I hath not heard back from you in a few days and I fear perhaps you are ill? I sure hope not but I pray to the sweet nailed god baby jesus anyway to make sure you are well.

I was hoping to hear back from you on all the wonderful gifts my children sent to you! Aren't they just wonderful? They can be so creative sometimes and it is really just amazing if I dare say so myself and indeed i do yes sir. I hope you found the wonderful gift in there from myself and I just wanted to give you something special as a token of my appreciation and the lady at the gift shop say yes it can indeed be used at any olive garden in the entire world so I hope you enjoy that since I be so appreciated of what you have done for all us.

So mr hump here you feel better soon and I look forward as always to hear from you once again and some of the orphans this fine evening were listening to Pinocchio and it be just wonderful to hear your warm voice once again.

Sister Mary AUDIOBOOKS NSFW SAFARI UPDATE	View next topic View previous topic