Lazy_Eye_Audiobooks - The Failed Bait

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Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:32 pm

Lazy_Eye Audiobooks are back, but this attempt for book 2 in the "A Song of Ice & Fire" series crashed & burned before achieving fruition. I had some fun with him before disaster struck, though. I managed to get a 3 minute audition from him.

I found him in one of my catcher accounts, offering fake IDs. The original email can be found here.

I don't adhere to the "1 email a day" rule. If I have the time to spare, and I can keep a lad mailing me for a few hours, using up his café time, that's what I'll do.

Characters:

Will_Baitya - CEO
Way_Stuartyme - Secretary
Shu - Lad

Will_Baitya starts things off with a reply to the lad.

15.06.17

Quote:

Dear friend,

I am interested in this. Please contact me.

William_Baitya

Quote:

Hello Willian happy to read from you. Do you need a real or a fake ID
and ID of which country ?how soon do you need it,where are you
located??

16.06.17

Quote:

Sir, thank you for replying.

May I know the name of the man with whom I am speaking?

I'd like to establish a friendly rapport with you before we do business. I will need several IDs. Close to 30, probably. But we will speak of that soon.

Tell me a bit about yourself. I am the CEO of a large audio book company. You are familiar with audio books, yes? Blue is my favourite colour.

William_Baitya

Quote:

call me shu and this is what i know have to do best black is my
favourite colour

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

I'm quite fond of black too. What are your hobbies? Do you like reading? I love reading, which is why I started my audio book company 12 years ago.

I live in the US. Where do you live?

Regards,

William_Baitya

Quote:

i am in gemany yes i love reading

Now that the pleasantries are over with, it's time to start having a bit of fun.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu (or is it Mrs?)

Germany is a wonderful place. One of my holiday homes is in Berlin, in fact. I visit it once or twice a year. It's not as big as my holiday home in Greece, though. I spend more time there. But I live in the US, and that's where my company is based. Although, we hire people from over 30 countries worldwide.

About the IDs, do yours have valid quark stamps?

My friend, do you ever listen to audio books? I can send you some free ones after we do business if you like, as a gesture of good will.

Kind Regards,

William_Baitya

17.06.17

Quote:

Hi Willliam

hope you are fine i have allwas love to go to Greece just that am
realy busy .as for the ID yes it have Valid quark stamps
so when will you like that we start with this ID
As for the audio book i will love that

Thanks in advance

18.06.17

Quote:

Hi Shu,

I am very fine, thank you for asking. How are you? I'm just going over the figures for my company's quaterly profits, and it looks like I can afford to buy another holiday home. I'm thinking Japan this time. So this means I'll likely need an extra 10+ IDs.

You should make the time to go to Greece one day, you'll love it. Maybe you can come stay with my wife and I next year.

Ok, I'm glad to hear the quark stamps are valid. But do your IDs have realistic holographic fission chips? I have not yet come across a fake ID that had believable fission chips. You can always tell a fake one by the slightly vinegary smell. I trust that your IDs do not smell of vinegar?

Shu, tell me, do you have a clear, pleasant speaking voice?

Kind Regards,

William_Baitya

Quote:

Hello Baitya
Am good thank God i will try to have time for my safe so that i can
visit Greece
as for the ID do you need real or faka IDs because my fake documents
are just like the real just that they are not register in the country
system data .My fake document does not smell of vinegar
Now let me know the diffrends country IDs that you will be needing and
if they are real or fake and how soon, i need to go for holidays i
have over work my heard i need rest
thanks

Quote:

Hello Shu,

I need fake IDs. But they need to be the best goddamn fake IDs on the planet. They need to be able to pass the 4 main tests that high level security check for these days:

(1) The vinegar test. Please confirm that you use legitimate holographic fission chips. If there is any hint of vinegar, the sniffer dogs will be all over me like an Amsterdam rash.
(2) Quark stamps. These MUST be flawless, as an error of just .001 microns can be catostrophic.
(3) Diamond thread. Can you confirm that you use diamond thread for the interlacing?
(4) Cocaine Resistant. This is essential. What material do you make the IDs out of? It must repel cocaine and leave no trace. So are you using testiplast or scrotlic?

Also, you never answered my question - do you have a nice, pleasant speaking voice?

Kind Regards,

William (you can call me Will) Baitya_

Quote:

Hi William
ok that is okay by me i can make a fake Ids of your test from
all you question i see you almost need a real IDS
first no vineger. legitimate holographic fission chips are use for
the IDs.Quark stamps are flawless.yes i use Diamond thread for
interlacing
they are some that i use testiplast and orders with scrotlic. i use to
tell my costomers the material i have at head but for now i have both
so you tell me what material you will like that i use to make your IDs
and as for speaking voice i do not have it for now

waiting

You don't have a speaking voice? Huh?

Quote:

Hi Shu,

You can call me Will. It's what my friends call me, and I feel we are beginning to become friends. What do you think? I am looking forward to doing business with you. In total I will require 41 IDs, from 9 different countries. I trust that this will be no problem?

How much will 41 IDs cost me? Money is no issue to me, but I'd still like a reasonable price, OK? Maybe you can give me 41 IDs for the price of 40? 1 free ID for your old friend Will?

Can I ask you to send me a scan of a sample of an ID you have made?

Shu, there's a very important reason why I asked if your voice is pleasant to listen to. This could be very big... What accent do you have?

Best Regards,

Will_Baitya

Quote:

That is a big order Will
If i say 50 will that be okay by you ?for me that is a good price
.I will send you my recent work
i can really say if my voice is pleasant to listen i will see about that later
noproblem to make you one for free

Quote:

Hi Shu,

So you're saying I'd have my 41 IDs, plus 9 spare? My maths says 41+9 = 50, I suppose that could work. What would be the price of the 50?

I have a huge opportunity for a person who has a German accent, so I was excited when you said you were in Germany. This opportunity also extends to people with Vietnamese and African accents, but no others. I don't extend this offer to just anybody, and I can't say any more about it right now, but if you can speak in any of those accents, I think I have something very special for you... Let me know if you're interested in hearing more.

My friend, I have a good feeling about you. Please do send on the sample of your ID work.

Will_Baitya

Quote:

No Will i said i will make 1 for 50 usd what do you thing .i have
african accents
this are some few sample of what i have done this week
and for now i have a realy bad conection

Quote:

Oh, OK, I understand. 50 USD for each ID. So if I want 41, that would be $2050. You said one would be free, so $2000 total, yes?

You have an African accent? Excellent. That's perfect. And you speak clearly?

Your friend,

Will_Baitya

Oh, and by the way, your IDs look excellent.

Quote:

Ok that is good
what i need now are the following information to start work

For the price it will cost you $2000
You are going to send us all your information needed to be registered
on the IDS
These are the information we need from you

Name with Surname
Sex (M or F)
Date of Birth
Place of Birth (city and country)
Passport Number (optional):
Date of issue (optional):
Issuing authority (optional)
Your address (optional):
Passport photo in digital format (color, white background, high resolution):
Written signature in digital format
Any additional information.

When we finish producing your IDs,we shall send you scan copies
so that you can confirm the quality and the authenticity before we
send to you.
As soon as we get these your information, and conform the payment,we
shall proceed with your IDs as soon as possible.
Get back to us for more information and procedures on how to produce
your IDs

yes i speak clearly.

Quote:

Shu,

I need 41 IDs, and each one must be different. Different name, different country, OK? So I have a lot of information to send...

I will compile it and send it ASAP.

Willl_Baitya

Quote:

ok i will be waiting. Will the 41 IDs have the same picture??

19.06.17

I send him a photo of Elon Musk, which I have messed with in Photoshop.

Quote:

Hey Shu,

Yes it will be the same photo for each ID. But I need you to change my picture slightly each time. For example, put a moustache on one copy, make my nose bigger in another, etc. I'm sure you can do this, yes? Please find the photo attached.

I want you to make 1 to start with, and then show me a scan of it so I can see how good it looks. Then we can proceed with making the rest. For this first one, you do not need to alter my image. Here are the fake details to put on the ID.

Name with Surname - Gocha Goodman
Sex (M or F) - M
Date of Birth - 1969
Place of Birth (city and country) - Zimbabwe City, Zimbabwe
Passport Number (optional): B41T3D419
Date of issue (optional): 04/19/16
Issuing authority (optional): Zimbabwe Tribal Government
Your address (optional): No Fixed Abode
Passport photo in digital format (color, white background, high resolution): Attached in email
Written signature in digital format : Attached in email.
Any additional information. No.

I hope to hear from you soon, buddy. Tell me, do you have a computer in your home, and a microphone?

Regards,

Will_Baitya

Quote:

Hi Will you have seen sample of what i can do so it worry me when you
say i should do one and send you a scan copy i though we where to
start with all the IDs at once
so at this point what you have to do now is to make payment so that i
can start work and we accept payment through Western union as for
computer yes i have one and one more think i will need the names of
the countries
Your freind
Shu

Damn it. I was hoping he'd have a go in Photoshop for me.

Quote:

Hey Shu,

Apologies for the delay in getting back to you. I've only just now got out of an important company meeting. We've decided to increase our payments to all our from-home workers. We now pay $8,000 for every hour recorded. I argued that it was maybe a bit too generous, but the board outvoted me. What do you think?

I didn't mean to worry you, Shu. I just wanted to see how my picture would look on the ID. If it looked bad I was going to get a new picture taken. My scar has faded a bit since I had that photo taken. Will my scar be very visible on the ID? I'm very self concious about it...

I hope you're doping well, buddy.

Will_Baitya

Quote:

Hello Will
from your picture it toke me time to see your scar so on the ID am
sure it will not show.Will with any ID i do for you if they is any
problem am going to do the change for free so don't be worry about
that i just want to be sure you are serious about all this because we
have spent so much time chating knowing our safe . so for me if you
make the payment am sure we will do good business and be good friends
for that too.Will for us we have this policy of payment before we can
start any work sorry for that but rule are make so that the world can
be abetter place .Will as for the increase in payment for the
from-home workers if they are heard working then that is good but
8000 for two hour is big money you know
Hope you can understand me
Shu

Quote:

Thank you, Shu, for reassuring me about my scar.

Of course I'm serious about this. I am an extremely busy man, so I wouldn't be spending so much of my time discussing the IDs with you if I wasn't serious. I can't afford to waste any time, and I don't like to waste other peoples' time either... So don't worry, my friend.

I must say, though, I do enjoy talking with you. It helps to eleviate some of the daily stress I face here in the office. It's not easy, running a multi million dollar company. My stress is growing lately though, because as I told you before, we desperately need readers with German, Vietnamese and African accents. This is why I asked if you have a computer and a microphone. Since you have an African accent, you would be perfect, and with the wage increase that means you'd be picking the perfect time to join (if you wanted to, of course).

If you like, I could get my secretary to send you on the details? There is no obligation to say yes, but perhaps you might be interested to read about what the job requires. Our readers can do as little or as much as they like - it just depends on how much money they feel like earning...

Now, about the IDs. The 9 countries are as follows:

Bolivia
Australia
Iceland
Turkey
England
Denmark
Yemen
Oman
Uruguay

Can you do that? I have reconsidered Zimbabwe. The contract I was setting up there fell through, so Uruguay shall take its place.

Thanks,

Your friend.

Will_Baitya

Quote:

Hello Will am happy to know you are a serious man because in life want
need seriousness at time .and is good too to fine someone to exchange
word with after a streesfull day in the office am happy i can be of
help
.As for the country yes i will be able to do them
with the offer of readers with German, Vietnamese and African accents
Will is realy helpfull of you but as i said i need to take some short
holidays for my safe i guest when i come back the offer will still be
they??

So Will should i send the WU address that you will pay the money in to?
Your friend

A spark of interest in becoming a reader. Excellent...

Quote:

Hey Shu, my buddy

Sorry, today is a hectic day. We got a large package of cocaine delivered to my office today as we have a huge amount of paper work to do, and nobody can deal with that sober. Am I right? You know it! You might be surprised at how quickly 4 people can get through $10k of powder...

My company lawyers always advise against using Western Union. I myself have never used it, but the lawyers say it can't be trusted. I'm under contractual obligation to obey their wishes when it comes to financial transfers, so I'd rather you provide me with another method by which I may pay you. A bank account, perhaps.

Where are you going on holidays, and for how long? The offer for you to be a reader is open for another 2 weeks. I could possibly extend it, if needed.

Your friend,

Will_Baitya

Quote:

Will i have been doing all transaction Western union and more to that
is not a big amourt of money i guest you try it once as friend i will
tell you to try it and when it comes to our business bank account is
one of the last thing we use .we accept payment through WU,Money Gram
or Bitcoin so bellow are the address that you will make payment to

For security reason you will transfer the money to this address

Western Union ok
Bank.............................Western Union
First Names.............Shu
Last Names.............Leslie xxxxx
Country...................Cameroon
City.........................Younde
Zip code...................00xxx
Test Question...........How Soon
Answer....................Now
Amount..................2000usd

Once payment is completed mail me the senders names and MTCN
so i wait for the information .if you transfer the money tomorrow
evening as you say i will start with the document.

I ignore him for a few days.

20.06.17

Quote:

Hello Will are you still busy i have not hear from you

Quote:

hello can i hear from you

21.06.17

The secretary contacts Shu to inform him of some bad news.

Quote:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am Ms._Stuartyme, secretary to Mr. Baitya. I am contacting all of his current associates to inform them that that on Monday evening, Mr. Baitya had a small accident in the office. Please do not worry, as he will be OK, but he will be in the hospital for the next 3 days or so according to his doctors. He has asked me to apologise on his behalf, and wants everyone who was involved in any business with him to know that he shall be in contact as soon as he is released from the hospital.

If you have any urgent business with Mr. Baitya, please direct it towards me and I shall endevour to assist you. Reply with the subject line "UNFINISHED BUSINESS".

If you are a work-from-home audio book reader applicant, please reply with the subject line "READING FOR NADA". Don't forget about the $3,000 sign up bonus. If you haven't yet received that, please say so in your email.

Once again, Lazy_Eye_Audio Books apologises for this situation. please direct your thoughts & prayers towards Mr. Baitya while he heals.

Kind Regards,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

He doesn't respond to Miss_Stuartyme, but emails the Boss 2 days later. I don't know if he ignored Way's email or if it went unchecked in his spam.

23.06.17

Quote:

Hello Will how are you doing ?what is happening

I ignore him for another couple of days.

25.06.17

Quote:

Dear Shu,

Hello my friend, I hope you're well. I'm sorry for not being in contact, but I was involved in an accident early in the week and have only got home from the hospital today.

Has my secretary been in contact? I instructed her to email all of my clients and business contacts to inform them of the situation.

Regards,

Will_Baitya

Quote:

Hope your accident was not serious ?hope you are feeling better now
?your secretary did not contact me.and it was you i was waiting to go
for holidays
waiting

Quote:

Hey Shu,

Well, we had a lot of cocaine in the office, and when things progressed to all of us dancing on my desk to death metal, I lost my balance and fell, breaking my trombone in 3 places. It almost shattered...

So I am in a lot of pain, but I have some nice, strong prescription painkillers (plus a bit of that cocaine left over), so I'm doing OK. Thank you for asking, Shu. You're a good friend.

I'll be out of the office for most of next week, most likely. I'll get my secretary, Ms._Stuartyme to contact you about our business. She was supoposed to contact you days ago - she will have to be punished for this insubordination. What form of punishment do you suggest? Please be on the lookout for an email from her. I shall be contactable, as I have my laptop at home with me, but I am asleep for most of the day with these heavy duty pain meds. So please contact Ms._Stuartyme with anything urgent.

You can reach her at:

<snip>

I hope you're doing well, Shu. Tell me, do you like cocaine? I can send you some (for free) if you like!

Will_Baitya

Quote:

Ok Will but i see nother urgent just i need to go for holidays and
your stuff are holding me back.as for punishmen am not good in that

Quote:

Hey Shuu,

Sorryyy for the dellayy
my pain medss are kikcing in big timee and i'mvery sleeppy..

My friend it'ss okyouu can go on yourho lidayss and we can do ourr buisneess s whenn you returnok?

where aree yougoing to? Somewherrreee nicceee ii hopee. mmm i feeell all warm an floopyy

your friend.

Will_Baitya

The secretary gets in touch with the lad again.

Quote:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Mr._Baitya has informed me that some of his clients did not receive the email that I sent out on Wednesday June 21st. I have forwarded it on again to everybody. Please see it below.

I ask that each of you send him an email explaining that you have received contact from me, as he is under the impression that I forgot to do it...

Regarding Mr._Baitya's condition, he is doing well but his medication renders him too drousy to work. He shall be back in the office in a matter of days.

Please direct any urgent matters to me, and I shall handle them. Once agin, if you are an audio book reader applicant, don't forget about your $3,000 tax free sign up bonus. Please refer to the email below, and use the appropriate subject line.

Many thanks.

Way_Stuartyme

Shu ignores the secretary again, and emails the Boss. But, he gets an autoresponder. I'm trying hard to get him talking to the secretary.

Quote:

Hi Will how are you doing today hope you are geting better Will i will
out for two weeks as from tomorrow so any time you are ready that we
start with your stuff just let me know
get well soon friend
Shu

Quote:

***AUTO-RESPONDER***

------------------------------------------------

The following is an automated message.

------------------------------------------------

Dear client,

I am unable to respond to emails at this current time. Please direct any business towards my secretary, Ms._ Stuartyme.

You can reach her at: <snip>

Many thanks.

William_Baitya
CEO
Lazy_Eye Audio Books, Inc.

------------------------------------------------

***AUTO-RESPONDER***

27.06.17

He still hasn't contact the secretary.

Quote:

Hey Shu,

How are you? I'm feeling good today. My trombone is aching badly, though, and it's nearly time for my medicine, so I thought I'd send you a quick email before I fall asleep.

Has my secretary been in contact with you?

Your friend,

Will_Baitya

28.06.17

Quote:

Hello Will hope you are feeling better now .your secretary have not
yet contact me

29.06.17

Quote:

Hi Shu,

OK, this is very worrying. My secretary is supposed to be handling my business until I recover. She told me she emailed all of my associates... is she lying? It looks like I may have to find a new secretary...

Shu, can you do me a small favour? Could you please send her an email and tell her you're my African associate who lives in Germany? She is under instruction to treat you as a V.I.P.
Mail her at: <snip>
Many thanks. I hope to be back in the office very soon. Have you gone on holidays yet? Where are you going?

Laters, buddy.

Will_Baitya

Finally, he emails her. That's one foot in the trap.

Quote:

Hello
William siad you will to contact me a long time ago beck beause he is
sick so i have not hear any thing from you hope you too you are not
sick
get back to

Quote:

Dear Mr. Pride,

I am so happy to hear from you. I sent you 2 emails in the last week, but Mr. Baitya said that you never received anything. Please find below the emails I previously sent.

Mr. Baitya is recovering well, and thank you for asking, but I am not sick too. I am in perfect health and I'm running Mr. Baitya's company for him until he returns. Please let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

Kind Regards,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Shu mails the boss.

Quote:

Hello Will how are you today your secretary say you are getting
better hope that is true and that i can ask him or her any thing is
that true? becuase for me i thought the DI stuff where confedentail
or can i chat it with your secretary?? because we well at the point
that if you make the payment i will start with your stuff am still one
holiday and i plan to have just 2 weeks but they are this costumers
that need urgen document so i may be comming back any time from now
hope to read from you soon friend
get well soon

But the boss is incapacitated again...

Quote:

Hey shu, buddddyy

I'm doing g greatt thankss sHu
medicine timee was halfan houragoo so i'M all floopyy now heeheh

hweh

howw areyou ?>
you cann talkto my secretar y avbout anything okk my friend

laters s bro

Will_Baitya

30.06.17

The boss is not much use to Shu at the moment, so he goes back to the secretary.

Quote:

Hello Ms. Way_Stuartyme
How are you .i have been charting with your boss and he said i can
tell you all of our business
ok we where at a point that he was to transfer me 2000 USD so that i
can start work on his project did he tell you that?? so will you be
the one to make the transfer or i have to wait for him to recover ??
Shu

01.07.17

The only business Way is interested in, is the business of signing up new readers.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

I am very good, thanks for asking. how are you?

Yes, Mr. Baitya told me that he had been charting with you. But, before we discuss that, I need to know if you're ready to be sent your application form? The $3,000 sign up bonus expires 8 days from now, so you should take advantage of that and sign up as soon as possible.

Kind Regards,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

What application can you ask him again about me i see you are not real
and mr_Baitya us is not serious

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Excuse me? What do you mean by that? I assure you I am real. I don't understand why you would say that...

Mr. Shu, please read back over the last emails I sent you, where I mentioned the application form. Do you have problems with reading or something? Mr. Baitya told me you were a trusted client, so I don't know why you would send me a hostile message like that. Should I take that to mean that you don't want the $3000 sign up bonus?

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

Hi i will need your phone number or that of your boss.and sorry i said
you are not real that is becuase we never have any plan for
application and 3000 usd i have a project for 2000 usd with your boss
you can ask him and for now that is all what am interested in
thanks

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu

I'm not sure I accept your apology. You made me very upset. When you said I wasn't real, you sent me down an existential spiral of doubt and confusion. Who am I? What am I doing? Are my thoughts real? That's all I've been able to think about. Do you ever wonder if the Universe is a computer simulation? I do now. Bleep! Bloop?

Are you telling me you don't want the $3,000 that we give just for completing our application form? Well, I must tell you, that is the first time I've ever seen this. Nobody has ever turned down the sign up bonus before. Are you really sure about this?

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

02.07.17

Quote:

Hello
Ms. Way_Stuartyme do not get me wrong i have my project with your boss
why asking me send an application .if he is no more interested then
let him tell me that is all

03.07.17

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu.

I hope you are well. I must apologise for the delay in replying to you. Mr. Baitya is back in hospital - he forgot to take his medication for a few days and now his trombone has gone septic, so he was rushed in for emergency treatment. Please do not worry, his doctors tell me they expect him to be OK.

He asked me to tell you that he is very much still interested in the project that you and he were talking about. He also asked me to tell you that if you were to sign up with the company as a from-home reader, he will increase the sign up bonus to $5,000 for you. He doesn't want to lose you as a client or friend, so he thought that if you were to sign up, it would be a way for you to get some easy money while you wait for him to recover and return to your project.

So, what do you say? Would you like to sign up with us? Remember, you can read as little as you like! there are no obligations here.

Let me know what you think, and if you have any messages for Mr. Baitya, I shall be happy to pass them on for you.

Kind Regards,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

Hi Miss Way

I do not know what you guys are up to. if i have to sign up with
the company as a from-home reader, what do i need to do next??

Quote:

Hi Mr. Shu,

You don't have to sign up... the choice is yours! But if you did want to sign up, then we would send you some material to read, and pay you a fee for every hour of audio that you send us.

I don't quite understand what you mean - we are not "up to" anything. This is how our company works. It's the same with all audio book companies.

So, shall I send you an application form, Mr. Shu?

Kind Regards,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

04.06.17

...and the fishy bites down on the hook...

Quote:

whay do i do next?tell me how to part of the 5000usd

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

The next step is for me to send you our application form, and for you to complete it and return it. Shall I send it to you?

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

Okay i wait for your mail

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Please find the attached application form.

I hope you have a pleasant day.

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

upload a new photo

08.07.17

It seems maybe the application form scared him off. Poke time.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

We have not heard from you in several days now. Is everything OK? Please get in touch.

Many Thanks,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

i can not fill all does info if you like i can give you the infor and
you fill them how is Mr Will doing tell him i will like to hear from him

sorry i have a bad day

So he doesn't want to pay to print out the form. Unacceptable. He will do it.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu.

I am very sorry to hear you had a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better for you. Keep your chin up; the grass is always worth 2 in the green house.

Mr. Baitya is doing well, thank you for asking, but he has been kept in hospital for observation, as the doctors are worried about a slight wrenching of his groinal digits as a result of the trombone injury. But do not worry, he is recovering rapidly. I shall tell him you were asking for him. That will make him happy - he speaks highly of you.

Mr. Shu, I am sorry but you must fill in the application form if we are to move forward. It is company policy, and not something I am in control of... We cannot sign you up, or provide the sign up bonus without certain steps being taken. The first step is to complete and return the application form as requested. I'm sure a man of your intelligence understands this.

Many thanks,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Silence again for several days...

13.07.17

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Are you still interested in this? We are holding a place for you, as instructed by Mr. Baitya, but if you do not get in touch soon then we shall have to offer this opportunity to another applicant...

Best regards,

Way_Stuartyme

A reply!

Quote:

i will send you the form on sunday

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

That is quite a bit later than expected. Please ensure that it is no later than Sunday.

Many Thanks,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

Okay i will

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu

This pleases me.

Way_Stuartyme

16.07.17

Sunday morning arrives.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

I do not usually work on Sundays, being a woman of god, but I have come into the office to await your application form that you promised to send today. I trust you won't let me down. I don't want to be here in the office all day while the sun is shining so beautifully outside.

Many Thanks,

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

1pm

Quote:

Sorry before the day goes to and end i will send you the document

7pm

Quote:

Mr. Shu

I am still in the office, waiting for your email... I haven't eaten all day and I'm getting hangry. I had planned to do some topless sunbathing this afternoon but I guess that's not gonna happen now.

Please do not let me down, Mr. Shu. I didn't want to spend all day in this stuffy, smelly office.

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

17.07.17

Quote:

Mr. Shu,

Are you serious about this? You kept me waiting all fucking day yesterday. Should I offer this opportunity to someone else instead? This is very odd behaviour, Mr. Shu.

Ms. Way_Stuartyme

19.07.17

Still nothing.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu

I get the feeling maybe you are not serious about this. I don't like having my time wasted, Mr. Shu.

Please get in contact and let me know if you want this job or not. We have many applicants, and if you do not want the job I shall have to offer it to the next person in line.

Regards,

Miss Way_Stuartyme

And we are back.

Quote:

what is the job all about explane it to me and i will send you the
fill the form and send to you today

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

I told you already what the job was about, but I am happy to explain it again for you. Just please do not leave me waiting so long for a reply this time.

Once you have returned your application form, we will send you a PDF file of some reading material. We will ask you to record a very short sample (3 minutes) of you reading what we sent you.

After that, once you have been approved, you will be eligible for your sign up bonus. We shall then send you a book (as a PDF file again), and pay you for every hour you record for us. It is up to you to decide how many hours you wish to record. If you choose to read an entire book, there is a very large bonus for that. Most of our employees choose to read entire books, but some do not.

I hope this has cleared things up for you. Do you need any more information? I do hope to receive your application form today.

Best Regards,

Miss Way_Stuartyme

A few hours later.

Quote:

Shu, I really need to know TODAY if you want to continue with us or not.

Quote:

ok i will continue pls you have to give me some time ok am in my home
country so i have a lot of things to do .i can not be online all the
time to reply you .thanks again
i will do as you say maybe tomorrow i am interested
thanks

Quote:

OK, Mr. Shu, but I'd like you to change that "maybe" to a "definitely". Can you do that for me? You must understand that these delays make me look unprofessional...

Miss Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

ok i will say before friday i most have send you the document

Quote:

OK, thank you very much, Mr. Shu. I look forward to your next email.

Miss Way_Stuartyme

Surprisingly, he emails me the filled in form later that evening.

Quote:

that is it

upload a new photo

But that just will not do.

20.07.17

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Thank you very much for sending the form. However, I must ask you to send a clearer photograph. It is very hard to make out the writing. Could you please take another photo? Lay the application form down flat on a table, make sure the room is brightly lit and take the photo please.

Many thanks,

Miss Way_Stuartyme

He sends a blank email, with a new attachment. Better, this time. Not a whole lot better, but I won't push this any further. Some of his puppet strings are now exposed. He can be ordered around.

Quote:

upload a new photo

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Thank you. That photo is clearer than the previous one.

We are satisfied with your details, Mr. Shu. Are you ready for the next step?

Miss Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

YES LET ME KNOW ME KNOW THE NEXT STEP IF IS WHAT I CAN DO THEN I WILL DO IT

Eagerness to work, that's what I like to see in a lad.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Very good. The next step is for you to record a very short (3 minute) sample of you reading, and send it back to us. I will send you a PDF file in my next email.

Are you ready?

Miss Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

yes am sure am ready pls you will have to send me your whatapp number
so that i can send you the record sample

I send him a Quantum Mechanics journal.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

I do not give my personal number to employees, and even if I did, I certainly don't use apps such as "whatsapp". What you need to do is email it to me as an attachment.

I have attached a PDF file for you to read. Please begin reading on page 15*, where it says "1.2.2 Matter waves".

You only need to read for 3 minutes. The recording must not be shorter than 3 minutes. Once you have finished the recording, please save it in WAV** format and email it to me.

Many thanks,

Miss Way_Stuartyme

*Incorrect page number given to confuse him.
**For those that don't know, WAVs are huge compared to MP3s, and take longer to upload.

Quote:

i will have to record it with my phone so am not sure how i can send
it to you WAV format

Damn it. OK, MP3s it is, then. No biggy.

Quote:

OK Shu, can your phone save files as MP3s?

Miss Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

i will only have to fine out

Quote:

OK, can you do a quick test? Record just a few seconds of anything at all, then tell me what format the saved file is.

Thanks.

Quote:

but can you send me your company webside and address with phone number
hw are my sure this copany tealy excite??

Shu, you obstinate little cretin. you're grinding my gears now. Also, note how his typing falls apart for the last sentence. What's that about?

Then, an hour later...

Quote:

i ask for some infor from can i have them

Quote:

Excuse me?

I don't quite know what you mean... Of course we exist. Do I seem like a ghost or something? I am very certain that I exist! What a strange question to ask. Unless you're talking about Simulation Theory? It's a very interesting concept, and a subject that I do ponder on from time to time.

We do not have a website. We operate privately. We did used to have a website, but we shut it down in 2011 due to overflooding of applicants. We no longer accept applicants that way - these days, we approach potential employees. That way, we only end up with employees that we trust. For this same reason, we do not communicate via phones anymore. I am the only secretary, and I handle everything through email. I simply do not have the time for phone calls. When dealing with people from foreign countries, the language barrier can be an issue, causing delays which the company can not afford. This is standard policy with many businesses nowadays.

My valuable time is being used up by having to write this explanation to you, Mr. Shu. Did you find out what format your phone saves the audio files in?

Miss Way_Stuartyme

OK, unexpectedly, that seemed to work. Back to business then!

Quote:

i can not see the 1.2.2 Matter waves".

Quote:

Please forgive me, Shu, I am tired. It is page 7 where you will find the starting point. Sorry about that.

Miss Way_Stuartyme

His less than perfect grasp of English seems to have lead to some confusion on his part regarding the words "record" and "recording".

Quote:

is this what you want me to read ??when you talk about record shold i
do it in a form of music or what

1.2.2 Matter waves?
The sinusoidal pattern of blackening on P that quantum mechanics predicts
proves to be identical to the interference pattern that is observed in Young’s
double-slit experiment. This experiment established that light is a
wave phenomenon because the wave theory could readily explain the
existence of the
interference pattern. It is natural to infer from the existence of the
sinusoidal
pattern in the quantum-mechanical case, that particles are manifestations of
waves in some medium.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Yes, that is what I want you to read. No music, just read the words aloud for 3 minutes. Please record it in a quiet room with no background noise.

Mr. Shu, if you are interested in recording songs, our sister company would like to hear from you. If that interests you, let me know and I can put you in touch with them.

In which format does your phone save audio files?

Miss Way_Stuartyme

Quote:

ok i will mail you tomorrow
and the file are save in my phone in mp3

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

OK, MP3s will do for now. Thank you very much.

Miss Way_Stuartyme

21.07.17

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

What time today should I expect to receive your sample audio?

Regards,

Miss Way_Stuartyme

For fuck's sake, Shu, what's this bullshit!?

Quote:

sorry sir the only way i can send you the voice is if i have any
whatsapp number any one

Sir???

Quote:

on less i have that whatsapp number i will not be able to send you this voice

Quote:

Mr. Shu, I already told you I don't use whatsapp.

Using your phone, you can add an audio file as an email attachment. It's quite simple.

Quote:

over here we do not have that option

You fucking liar.

Quote:

Mr. Shu,

What phone do you have?

Quote:

one local phone

Quote:

Mr. Shu, I mean what make and model is the phone.

Quote:

for now i have nokia M9

Quote:

Mr. Shu, do you mean Nokia N9?

Quote:

YES I CAN ONLY USE WHATSSPP

You are one dense fucker, Shu.

Quote:

Shu,

The Nokia N7 is capable of email. If your phone can use whatsapp, it is a smartphone. Even the phones that predated smartphones were capable of email.

Please email me the file.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

22.07.17

Quote:

so you do not want to send me any number that have whatsapp
then sorry i guest i will not be able to continue
thanks

No. You're getting away from me just yet.

Quote:

Mr. Shu,

I told you already, we cannot accept submissions by whatsapp. We can only accept them via email, to a company email account. You are the ONLY person who has ever had difficulty with sending us audio, Mr. Shu. What does that say? Hmm?

We have rules and policies in place, because we are professionals. If you truly want to throw away this opportunity, the choice is yours. It's just a shame that you were so close to your sign up bonus... All because you were unable to do a simple task. Maybe you don't like easy money!?

Shu, can you borrow a laptop from a friend? Or rent a laptop from a store? We cover all costs, remember.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

am very serious i can do more than that you have make to stay up the
hold night without sleeping the option that i have hear is whatsapp
the Mr Will that if realy want to help as he say then you poeple can
buy a sim card just for me to reduce it in my bonus

Quote:

Shu.

What are using to send me emails? Are you using your phone? Are you in an internet cafe?

Miss Way Stuartyme.

Quote:

my laptop

Are you fucking serious!??

Quote:

Shu, your laptop probably has a built-in microphone. If not, USB microphones can be bought for very little.

Make the recording on your laptop. If your laptop does not have any audio recording software, let me know and I shall link you to some free software that most of our employees use.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

yes my laptop does not have audio recording software

Quote:

OK Shu, here is a link to some very good, free audio recording software.

http://www.audacityteam.org/

Please download and install it. It is quite easy to use, but if you have any problems I can assist you.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

24.07.17

Quote:

Hello, Mr. Shu.

How are you getting along with the audio recording?

Miss Way_Stuartyme

More silence...

27.07.14

Quote:

Mr Shu.

Kindly explain to me what is going on? Are you still interested in this job or not? I need to know urgently.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

no you are to complicated i will no more take the job

I resist the urge to unleash a torrent of abuse (we'll save that for later), and try a mix of honey & shame.

Quote:

Shu,

I am sorry if it is too complicated. Please tell me what you would like explained, and I shall be happy to help you.

Are you going to give up right before you've earned your sign up bonus? I also get a small bonus for every employee I bring to the company, so if you quit now you're taking money from me. Do you want to do that?

Shu, we can arrange a way for you to do this in a manner that is easy for you. Just tell me what you need. I promise you, this is the easiest money you will ever make.

Nobody has ever quit on us before, Shu. You're the first. Are you a quitter?

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

all this record stuff i do not know hw am go to send you the voice that is

Quote:

Shu, all we need is your voice. What is it you think we need? We just need your voice reading what we asked you to read.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

is too hard to do that ok i can use the laptop well is bad and intenet
connection is real bad

Quote:

OK Shu, just explain to me what you plan to do. I will help in any way I can. Thank you.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

pls help me with any number that can send a voice message too

You really don't listen, do you?

Quote:

Shu, I explained to you that that is not how we operate. For our filing purposes, all audio sent to us must be sent by email. You must have a way to attach an audio file. You are able to email me, so simply attach the audio file to your next email.

Thank you.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

And we are back on track...

Quote:

just wait i will try from today still weekend

Quote:

OK Shu, but please do hurry.

Quote:

send me again what i have to read

Seriously!!!???

Quote:

Lord give me strength.

OK Shu, I have attached the PDF document for you. Please begin reading on page 7, where it says "1.2.2 Matter waves". Read for 3 minutes in total. Thank you.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Nothing for a few days... It has also been over a month since he has mentioned Mr._Baitya, or emailed him.

31.07.17

Quote:

Shu,

How are you doing with the audio? Do you have 3 minutes for me?

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

yes i send it with a diferent email hyson hp bt pls if you want to
reply use this email to reply because i can not access the email

No idea what that's supposed to mean. And he didn't send me anything.

Quote:

Shu, I did not get any email from another account. Please send it again.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

He sends a blank email with an attachment. He has recorded the 3 minutes for me! Things are looking good. You can listen here.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

Thank you very much for sending the audio, finally. I had almost given up on you. But, you have shown me that you are an honest and trustworthy fellow.

I have sent the audio file on to our quality control department for review.

Many thanks,

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

01.08.17

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

I am delighted to inform you that your audio submission has been reviewed and approved!

The Quality Control team has passed on the following notes to me regarding your audio:

Positive-
Pronunciation is very good.
Very pleasant timbre to his voice.
We could listen to this man for hours quite happily.

Negative-
Too much background noise.

So, Mr. Shu, the feedback has been very good. The only problem that was found with your audio was the background noise. There was a TV or radio on near you while you made the recording. This is not a big problem for the test audio, but for all future audio you make for us, you must ensure that you are in a quiet room. We cannot use audio with background noise in our audiobooks. But your voice is like a silky dream. We love it.

Apart from the background noise, your audio was perfect. You are now almost officially a Lazy_Eye_Audio Books employee.

Soon, I will send you another PDF file. It will be the book that we need you to read. I have attached a contract for you to return to me. You need to think about it, and tell me how many hours you would like to read for, or if you wish to read the entire book. Remember - employees that read entire books are entitled to a "completion bonus" of $4250. Once I receive that form from you, you may begin your work. You can do as little or as many hours you like each day.

Welcome to the team, Shu. Welcome to easy money town!

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

imagehost ru

OK, I went too far with the contract. I knew it when I made it, but I can't resist a bit of risk. In this instance, that risk did not pay off.

Quote:

sorry this should be the last time we change mail pls who is almigty
beelzebub...*bye bye

I try a last-ditch effort at something plausible...

Quote:

Mr Shu.

I don't understand... are you quitting? What's going on? Mr. J. Beelzebub was the founder of our company. He started it in 1982 (distributing cassette tapes). We dedicate all of our audio books to him.

Please return your contract as soon as possible.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Nothing. This is not looking good at all. Can his greed button be pressed?

Quote:

Dear Mr. Shu,

I need you to send me your payment details. How would you like to be paid? Most employees choose bank transfers, but we also do cheques. Other methods are available if necessary.

So far, you have earned your sign up bonus of $5000. Have you had to buy or rent any audio or computer equipment? Please list any of those items, with their price, and I shall add the cost of them onto your payment. Also, remember to make note of any food you buy during your time as an employee - we cover the cost of that too.

Shu, you are about to start making some serious money. You'll be the envy of all of your friends very soon, when you have the newest clothes and a new car. Maybe a nice new house for your mother? A new church for your community? Just simply return your contract and we can get started with this.

Many thanks,

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

...it appears it can.

02.08.17

Quote:

Ok pls give some time to chat this with friends and family
ok i will gt back to you

Quote:

OK, Shu, but please do hurry. These delays are most unusual, and my reputation could be damaged if you let me down.

I don't understand why you are acting like this. What can I do to help?

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

So, he thinks our logo is the All-seeing eye of the Illumninati. Hahaha.

Quote:

To help me thanks verry much
pls tell me every thing about this your Lazyeye
if i get in can i get out when i like ??what are the prove?
what are the after effect of all this?
because and not use to easy money
i work for every thing in my life
can i know more info about this your company??
can i have some reference
how can you prove to me that this is not one of thuse santanic
campany that you are try to put in ??

i need to know every thing that i ask

if you can explain all this to me i will be happy to sign my contract

in all your form they is this eye we call it the eye that see all bad
sign that when going in this like that ,one need to know what they
await of him
waiting

Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:33 pm

Fuck you, Shu, for making me write an essay.

Quote:

Shu, I am happy to answer all of your questions. But please understand that these delays are extremely irregular.

If you become an employee, you are free to leave at any time. However, if you write on your contract that you will create 10 hours of audio for us, for example, and you decide to quit the job before you have sent us 10 hours of audio, you will not be paid. If you do those 10 hours and then decide you would like to do more, that is perfectly acceptable and can be arranged. Most people tend to read entire books because of the completion bonus. The choice is yours!

I'm not sure what you mean by the after effects. Could you clarify please? If you're asking if you're entitled to sales royalties of any audio books you feature in, well the answer is yes. You will receive quaterly royalty payments.

Shu, I believe you when you say you worked all your life. You seem like an honest fellow to me. But isn't it time you rewarded yourself for a life of hard work? You can do this job for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, however long you like. We have some employees that have been with us for years.

You asked about the company, well it was created in 1982 by Mr. Jeremiah Beelzebub. Back in those times, CDs did not exist, so the material was distributed on cassette tapes. Initially, employees sent their audio to the company via the postal service, which as you can imagine was quite a slow process. The company switched to CDs in 1993. I started working here in 1998. Mr. Beezlebub unfortunately died along with his wife and 2 friends in a restaurant that caught fire in 1999. We dedicate all our audiobooks to his memory.

Shu, are you having a joke with me? Satanic company? Hah, really Shu? I am a Christian woman. I assure you that we are not Satanic. I don't think Satan listens to audiobooks, does he? I know our Lord Jesus does. As for the eye in our logo, well that is quite simple to explain. You know our company is called "Lazy Eye", so it is not obvious that the logo is an eye sitting on a couch with a can of beer? Meaning, the eye is lazy. So if someone's eyes are lazy, they don't want to read a book... but they can listen to an audiobook! Do you understand? The eye doesn't see anything, bad or otherwise. It's just a drawing, Shu!

I hope this clears things up for you. I look forward to a pleasant working relationship with you, my friend.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

I can't fucking believe that worked... but he has yet another roadblock for me.

Quote:

OK we are now one steep to sign the contract now i will need the
website of the company because i belive such a company most have an
adderest webside .tell.numbers fax,without this info do not mail me

Quote:

Shu, if we had a website, I would have directed it to you already. We are a private company. We do not advertise. In the past, we had a website, but the traffic was too high with so many people applying to work for us. Now, we individually select people who we deem the best readers - we contact people directly. We just do not have enough staff to handle 2000+ new applicants each day, which is what we used to get on the old website.

And we do not use phones either, as I am sure I have told you already. I am the only secretary, and I spend 8 hours each day answering emails. There is no time to talk to employees on the phone. Again, we used to have a phone line, but as many of our employees are from foreign countries, there were too many problems with language, accents and bad signals.

As for fax - do you know what year it is, Shu? Fax machines are very old technology. Nobody uses fax anymore.

Shu, I don't like the tone of your email. I have explained things to you many times now. If you don't want this opportunity, that is fine. But never speak to me like that again. Never make demands of me. You shitebag.

Are you in, or out? There are 3 other applicants waiting to read this book. I have kept the job open for you for far longer than I was supposed to. I am getting tired of these delays, and my reputation in the company is starting to suffer. This is because of you, Shu. So send me the contract and let's start earning you some money.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

03.08.17

Damn it.

Quote:

i am out too good to be true

Later that day...

Oh. Well, fuck it. He went googling and the game is well and truly up. He found a link to my previous audiobook bait.

Quote:

Fuck u no ever email me again
https://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=276603&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

I try to feign innocence, despite being rumbled. If it keeps him emailing me, it's still wasting his time.

Quote:

Shu, excuse me? NEVER speak to me like that again, you little shit.

I don't know what game you're playing here. What is this nonsense you have put on a forum? We don't post on forums. Explain yourself immediately.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

Quote:

Shu, this is your final chance.

Stop playing jokes with your stupid forum. I don't know what that is. We didn't give permission for anyone to use our company logo or names. Did you make this joke? Are you a fucking time wasting joker, Shu? Are you?

Fuck you. You wasted all of this time, I thought you were a legitimate person. I give you ONE FINAL chance to stop messing me around. Do you want this job, or shall I give it to the next person in line?

I am so angry right now, Shu. I really don't want to believe that you are behind this joke. Please be honest with me. I want you to know that we have contacted our lawyers and we will see the owner of that internet forum in court.

Miss Way Stuartyme.

Of course, it didn't work. But if he wants a swearing match, bring it the fuck on.

Quote:

fuck you

Quote:

Fuck me? No, Shu, fuck YOU.

Fuck you for wasting my time. My reputation has been damaged now, and it's your fault. All because you're a dense fucking moron who threw away an easy job. Clap clap, well done, fuckstick.

Maybe one day you'll regret throwing this opportunity away. Get back to me if you feel like stopping your jokes and behaving like a real man instead of a gaysexual faggot.

Quote:

pls stop all this o i do not like all this i say nooooooo am not
interested thanksssssss

Quote:

Why are you not interested? Is it because you're a little pussy bitch gaysexual faggot who sucks fat cock every night?

I thought you were an honest, trustworthy employee, Shu. But I guess you're nothing but a lazy, gaysexual, lying little cuntbag.

Apologise to me, and you can have your job back.

Miss Way_Stuartyme.

04.08.17

Quote:

fuck you keep talking

Quote:

And you can keep sucking gaysexual penises. Does your Daddy know that you creep under his sheets at night when he's asleep, to syphon out his man-mayonnaise with your larynx? I can't believe I was going to give you a job with this company, you AIDS infected little wankstain.

...and I think that is where this ends. It is not the only audiobook bait I have going, so watch out for the next installment.

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