Sister Mary *AUDIOBOOKS* *NSFW* SAFARI UPDATE

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Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 1:02 am

This bait is just about complete, if not already. It is updated as needed.

The original post begins below. First is an index and guide to help those just reading it!

INDEX:
[The text is well worth reading!!! But quick links for the important stuff...]

Audio Books - nearly 43 hours.

Videos:
Court Sample Videos - Everybody Poops and Heather Has Two Mommies and his Pre-Trial Story
Court Testimony
Unsolicited Video Apology
Court Cross Examination
Vote Penfold!

Music Sample

Safari begins roughly page 34.

CHARACTER GUIDE
Unfortunately, this bait got very complicated. So here's a reference guide:

There is only one lad involved, lotto scammer Humphere, AKA Loaded Creampie AKA Bonzi Buddy. He also plays Mali Ikop AKA Mr Lawrence AKA Lotto Boy who is another lotto scammer; Raymond Ego, Mali's boss; and Charlize Theron. Doug ("Fast coming Doug") is a mule.

Character (Baiter) - description
Sister Mary (Lake) - runs the orphanage and The Hopeless Order of Michigan Orphanages
Miss Connie (Lake) - Sister Mary's long time assistant
Over 30 Orphans, the most important are Eliot (Lake), Feathers AKA Fellatio (Jayhawk), and Nelson AKA Mr Mutley (Jayhawk). See a name not listed? It's an orphan.
Pastor B (Jayhawk) - 105 year old pastor filling in for Mary
Inspector Pitt (Lake) - lead detective of the Beaver Island Tactical Cop House
Penfold (Jayhawk) - Beaver Island's district attorney and Michigan candidate for governor
Matthew (MrMystery314) - Penfold's video consultant
Cammy (Yastreb) - psychic
H. Wells (Lake) - investor in Japan
Jenna (Lake) - news reporter
Mr Bingo (Jayhawk) - a sinister member of the Snorky Boys along side Feathers and Nelson
Moses (Mr Labowski) - delivery manager in Cameroon
Wolfgang (Lake) - delivery boy in Cameroon
Susan (Mr Labowski) - delivery customer service
Mike (MrMystery314) - head of a secretive spy agency
Joe Bob F (Jayhawk) - porn producer specializing in beastiality
Louis (Big X) - Joe Bob's assistant

Total deaths so far in this bait: 10 Eliot, Pastor, Doody, Humphere's wife, Juror #1, four prison guards, Cameroon prostitute.

On to the original post!

---------------------------------------------------------

This is my first ever bait and first character. Being new, Sister Mary is still being "developed" as you'll see her personality change slightly as I go on.

I originally had her running an orphanage, then as I got into it, decided she's senile and only thinks she does, whereas she actually lives alone with dozens of cats. In her mind, the cats/orphans speak a very bastardized, grammatically incorrect version of Shakespearean English.

I was impressed with a bait by "toastypants" in which his lad read an entire book - so I thought maybe I can get one to read some children's books to my cats, er children. No luck yet, but I'm trying.

Started out simple enough...

Quote:

Hello to you the owner of this email address, your email has won you a (Mercedes-Benz CLA45 AMG and a cash prize contact now (email) for more info.

Quote:

Oh praise you dear, but I havent even a license to drive. Might we donate this to the orphanage?

Quote:

AUTOMOBILE WORLD BENIN REPUBLIC LIMITED
OFFICE 56 NTUNET AVENUE
PRESIDENT & CEO AJIBOLA OLUWATOBI

We have to write to you the owner of this email address to inform you that your email address has won you a (Mercedes-Benz CLA45 AMG #price $49,950) and a cash prize of ten million united state dollars($10.000.000.00)on our online lottery.
we know you might be wondering how you happens to be a winner but your qualified as long as your email address is still a valid one and has not been involve in any illegal activities.
let us know how you will love to receive this total amount of ten million,forty nine thousand nine hundred and fifty united state dollars.note due to the risk and stress involved in sending this car to your country we have to convert it all in cash. so you are advised to let us know how you will love this money to be send to you on your next email.

Thank you for your cooperation

Quote:

Thank you kind sir or miss?

Our orphanage has had great profits this past year of nearly 6.4 million dollars but the orphans still need more. This money will go great way in helping, so you are most kind to help us sir or miss.

Do you like children or cats?

The moneys would be best served by the orphanage. You ask how to I would love to receive the total amount. In perfection, the $100000 could be in 20s and the $49950 in either golden grahams or lucky charms if you can make that happen. We can pay extra shipping for golden grahams.

Also, do you love reading to children sir or miss?

Please advise how to proceed? I have not been in illegal activities since before email was invented so that should be no prob.

Quote:

PLEASE EMAIL US YOUR DELIVERY ADDRESS

Quote:

Yes thank you kind sir or miss? You have not said yet if you are dangly bits or non dangly bits.

You also not advise if you like reading to children. The childeren have no male role model (the dangly bits kind) to read to them. Weve allocated a lot of orphans money to have professionals send videos of reading childrens books to the kids. They so love it. So most of our money goes to that. Perhaps sir or miss you would help us with that as well? The orphans pay veey well for new readings.

Please advise if you enjoy reading to children?

Also advice is the $49950 can be sent in golden grahams? We would happy pay extra.

Quote:

Madam am just doing my job. am not the one paying this money ,it is the company that i work for. and we are going to send your winning through cheque and also we have a delivery company that helps deliver our packages anywhere without any problem. now all you will do is to email us the address to make the delivery and you will also be required to provide us with the following .

1 (CBP) FORM

2 FinCEN Form 105

Quote:

Yes, I have politely received your latest message. You are doing a great job just to contact me. But I know not if ye be a sir or miss? I just ask who I am speaking wit and if ye enjoy reading to children?

I understand the payment is to be made by chekque? I take it sending in golden grahams is not possible? Confirm?

I do not know what forms you mentionable, neither do I know where to acquire any.

I am busy with children and cats at the orphanage and I continue to make daily payments for readings which have cost over $20000 so far this year. But the children and cats demand more. So apologies accepted. I wish I could find good voices to record so the children can enjoy being readed to. We pay good monies but we still need more.

So please, in the love of our nailed god, the sweet baby jesus, please advice if you be a sir with dangly bits or miss without? And if ye enjoy reading to children?

Quote:

MADAM I AM MR HUMPHERE UDIDE THE CLAIM OFFICER IN CHARGE OF YOUR WINNING.
YES THE PAYMENT IS IN CHEQUE. AND ALSO I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT BY READING TO CHILDREN
AND THOSE FORMS ARE TO BE OBTAIN HERE IN COMMISSIONER OF BENIN REPUBLIC AND BORDER PROTECTION OFFICE. AND WITH THIS FORMS, NO AIRPORT AUTHORITY OR BORDER PATROL OFFICERS WILL BE ABLE TO HOLD OR DELAY OUR DELIVERY SO YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU MAKE THE LITTLE RESOURCES NEEDED FOR OUR ACCOUNT OFFICER TO GO GET THEM FOR YOU

Quote:

Mr Hump Here kind sir,

I received with pleasure your latest information. You are saying I must go all the way to Benin Republic to retrieve these forms? I'm not too sure where that is and as I say, I have not a drivers license to get there. If it lay further than Bens Junk Yard I fear it is too far to walk for my old legs mr hump here.

In tremendous regards to the children, my orphans are without parents. Unfortunately, thats the primary cause of becoming orphan. But they so love people reading books to them. But I can not do all myself as I am nearly 78 years. So we pay people to read to the children. Three ways...--- Some people come in to read and we pay them $200 per hour. Some people just record children books on mp3 and we pay $50 for books over 20 pages and $30 for shorter books. Then we have people do video recordings of reading books and oh the children love that. We have paid $200-$500 depending on the book length. When one of our employees reaches $5000 in earnings, we send a checkque. We have paid out over $20000 in the last year.

But we no have too many video readers, so I politely ask if you enjoy reading to children? I ask everyone I meet just in case the children can get more books readed to them.

You are kind to ask and readed my response. I will not disturb you innsuch regards any more as I know you are a kind busy dangly bits person Mr Hump Here.

Quote:

MADAM WE ARE NOT ASKING YOU TO COME DOWN HERE FOR THE FORMS , THE FORM WILL BE SIGN BY AN ANTHONY AND EVERYTHING THIS FORM WILL COST YOU IS $450 USD AND AFTER THAT ,WITHIN THE PERIOD OF OUR TO FIVE DAYS YOUR CHEQUE WILL BE WITH YOU AND ONCE THE AGENT ARRIVES WITH THE CHEQUE YOU WILL HAVE TO CALL US IN HIS PRESENCE FOR US TO BE SURE HE DELIVERED TO THE RIGHT PERSON.ONCE AGAIN YOU DO NOT NEED TO COME DOWN HERE. WE WILL GIVE YOU OUR COMPANIES ACCOUNT OFFICER FOR YOU TO PAY THE MONEY TO HIM AND HE WILL DO THE REST FOR YOU. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND? JUST LET US KNOW WHEN YOU ARE TO PAY THE MONEY SO THAT THE PAYMENT INSTRUCTION WILL BE EMAIL TO YOU

The dear Sister does not like Anthonys...

Quote:

Mr Humphere kind sir,...

I meet you very disappointed. I thought you were a kind dangly bits person but you not even ask of how are the orphans? I understand not wanting to read to them since maybe there is a devil heathen inside of ye shouting No! Doth not read to children! How very sad indeed and I shall pray to our nailed god for your salvation.

Further Mr humphere, I have not in my 78 years met an anthony that I shall trust. Anthonys are the spawn of the devil himself I dare say and the orphans pray nightly upon the souls of the patron sant of anthonys, Mr St Anthony himself, guardian saint of all anthonys.

The last time i pay an anthony he stole all my monies. Imagine taking monies from orphans? Indeed the work of the great devil himself. I trust you would not send my monies to an anthony willing to steal from my orphans, mr humphere? Prove to me I can trust you?

Quote:

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING

Quote:

I know not why you SHOUT at me. I am only trying to comply with your instructions! I know not why ye ask what I am saying? So I shall say once agin in perfect englsh...

<snip - copy of previous email>

Do not make me rite this yet a third time. I trust ye understand?

But he has such a good heart...

Quote:

Madam i am sorry about the people that stole from you,Please it breaks my heart when you say i never cared about the orphans .for your information you do not know my story and i don't like telling them because it was hell here on earth. i lost my parent when i was a year and six months. so the church were my parents were working as a pastor have to send me to orphanage. so i grew up there with a lots of other children and for one day i never stop to be grateful to them because they gave me life so when you mentioned orphanage , i was very happy inside of me and i said , to my self that this is the kind of people that deserve this money.and also i am glade i am involved on it. madam to the god who made me the cost of this forms and everything involved and the money for your delivery is 900usd but because of my past i have to ask the account officer to remove $450 for me to be paying gradually from my salary. i did that from my heart and i never wanted to mention it.but because of this doubt your having about it, that was why i have to tell you this... madam i care much about the orphans ok? so please and please i need you to trust me, if you can be able to pay that remaining $ 450usd today or tomorrow or soon enough, just give me 4 or 5 days from the time you pay the $450usd if you did not receive your cheque , anything that happens to the orphans ,let the blames be on my ok? i wait your response

Let's introduce some orphans, or maybe cats.... not sure yet... I just want him to read me some books!

Quote:

Oh mr hump here,

Your story brings this old woman to tears. It was a lovely to have readed. While I reading it, Orphan Eliot who is 9 years old sees me and says Dear Sister Mary Margaret Katherine, why doth ye weep?

And I look at Eliot that beautilful young boy and I say Mr Hump Here is trying to help us and he was an orphan just like you.

And Eliot say Dear Sister Mary Margaret Katherine, he would be perfect!

And I know what Eliot was saying! So can I ask a favor of you Mr Hump Here?

The children look for new people, especially misters with dangly bits to read childrens stories to them? If you have ability to record audio, we offer $500 per audio book that can be sent to us. If you have video and can record reading childrens book to them, we offer $5000 per book. Considering you are an orphan too I can try to talk the accountants into paying an extra $1000 after the first book? This would be wonderful way for you an orphan to help our wonderful orphans.

Please tell me you help us mr hump here? Clearly the nailed god sweet baby jesus has brought us in contact for a reason. The childrens and I pray nightly for more people to help. Would you please help? I can send further instructions if ye would like to earn these monies.

Quote:

MADAM I GOT YOUR EMAIL LATE HERE AND WE ARE ON HOLIDAYS HERE TILL MONDAY. SO PLEASE AND PLEASE I WILL HAVE TO EMAIL YOU ON MONDAY. BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT HERE TO ATTEND TO ANY COMPANIES EMAIL OR ACTIVITIES FROM HOME IF NOT OFFICE SO PLEASE BY MONDAY I WILL GET BACK TO YOU. THANK YOU AND MY GREETINGS TO YOUNG ELIOT AND THE REST OF THEM AND PLEASE TELL THEM THAT PEOPLE LIKE THEM TODAY ARE THE ONCE DESTINE FOR GREATNESS TOMORROW AND ALSO TELL THEM NEVER TO STOP PRAYING OK BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY

Quote:

Thank you mr hump here for your kind and generous words. Orphan Eliot waves hello and says he would love for you to read to him somedays.

I do hope mr hump here you enjoy your holidays and I pray to the nailed god sweet baby jesus you are able to help us. Please let me know if ye accept our kind offer of monies when you return from your beautiful holidays.

Quote:

GOOD MORNING MADAM AND HOW IS EVERYBODY ? AND MY FRIEND BIG ELIOT? MY GREETINGS TO ALL.. ABOUT READING THE BOOK FOR THE CHILDREN, I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF A WAY TO MAKE THAT POSSIBLE BASE ON THE FACT I DO NOT HAVE MUCH TIME I BARELY SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN AND MY PREGNANT WIFE .BUT THANK GOD BECAUSE HE GAVE ME A WOMAN THAT UNDERSTANDS ME.BUT I WILL WORK TOWARDS THAT I PROMISE OK? THIS MORNING OUR ACCOUNT OFFICER HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO SUBMIT ALL THE WINNING FILE UNCLAIMED UP TILL NOW.SO I HAVE TO ASK HIM TO OMITTED YOURS BECAUSE I HAVE REQUESTED FOR THE HALF TO BE REMOVED FROM MY SALARY GRADUALLY FOR PERSONAL REASONS THAT I NEVER DISCLOSE TO ANY BODY EVEN THOUGH THE ACCOUNT OFFICER WAS CURIOS TO KNOW WHY.MADAM MY MAIN PROBLEM IS TO MAKE SURE THIS WINNING GETS TO YOU ON TIME BECAUSE THE CHILDREN NEED IT OK? TRUST ME IF IT WAS EASY FOR ME TO PAY ALL, I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT. SO PLEASE WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO WAST . NOW I WANT TO KNOW THE RENAMING $450 USD WHEN DO YOU PLAN ON PAYING THEM? LET ME KNOW SO THAT I WILL PLEAD WITH THE ACCOUNT OFFICER TO GET THOSE FORMS READY SO THAT AS SOON AS YOU PAY , WITHIN THE PERIOD OF FOUR TO FIVE DAYS, THE WINNING WILL BE WITH YOU. I WAIT YOUR RESPONSE. THANK YOU

Quote:

Oh my dear Mr Hump Here,

How sweet it is to heare from you against. It was a long weekend as we awaited word from you. But we had good times with the children of course as we get our first glimpse of summer here. Sweet Eliot is well and waves hello. And little orphan Peppers look so sweet in the corner with a bow on her head.

Little Peppers say as I write, Dear Sister Mary Margaret Katherine, thine thee rite, is he thy sweet mr humphere?

Oh I tell the children all about you I hope you dont mind. The conservations we have are grand.

I congratulate you on your pregnant wife. I was never able to have childrens. I had a good husband long ago who died when I was very young and I never remarry. I just become a sister of the nailed god sweet baby jesus amen. And I surround myself with these wonderful orphans, we have 70-75 or so... I lose count.

I do hope you can readed to us> It get lonely out on this island and we have no bookstore here. Only on the mainland where I get to only once per year in summer. I have just a few helpers who get boat rides from the locals who love helping the orphans and the helpers can get me supplies and books from the mainlansds. Our fundings are good as my husband was quite wealthy but helpers and readers are in short supply. Dear Miss Connie has been my best helper and she been with me for almost 40 years dear girl.

I do thak ye for riting once again and thank ye for cover ing cost of our monies. I do kind mr hump here hope you can send a photo of you for the childrens? I tell them you story and they want to see you. I am sure you very handsome.

Quote:

MADAM AM VERY HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU AM SORRY ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND BUT BUT MY BIBLE TELLS ME THAT JESUS IS THE HUSBAND FOR THE WIDOW AND HE IS THE BEST HUSBAND ANY WOMAN CAN GET AND FOR THE CHILDREN YOU NEVER HAD ,THOSE CHILDREN WILL NEVER FORGET YOU AND WILL PASS THE STORY OF YOU TO ANY BODY THAT WILL COME FROM THEM......THE ATTACHMENT YOU WILL SEE IS MY ID AND MY PICTURE IS ON IT ..AM NOT HANDSOME I LOOK LIKE MY FATHER FROM ONE OF HIS PICTURES THAT I STILL HAVE , AND HE IS UGLY. MADAM BACK TO YOUR CLAIM LIKE I SAID WE DO NOT HAVE MUCH TIME TO WAST FOR YOU TO MAKE THIS CLAIM.. I WANT TO KNOW AND BE SURE BEFORE I ASK THE ACCOUNT OFFICER TO GO AND GET THOSE FORM READY IN ORDER NOT TO DELAY THE DELIVERY OF YOUR CHEQUE.SO TELL ME WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU WILL BE ABLE TO PAY THE RENAMING $450 FOR THOSE FORM UNFAILINGLY? PLEASE TELL ME BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN BE ABLE TO HOLD ON TO YOUR WINNING FILE WITH THE ACCOUNT OFFICER. SO GET BACK TO ME

And he attached a lovely photo ID.

Looks legit.

After he complained I don't respond quick enough...

Quote:

Oh Gear Mr Hump Here.

You know I am a busy lady. This internet thing I get to only once per day with all the children taking up my time.

I receive with delight your photo and shared with the childrens. You are indeed a handsome man mr hump here and I imagine you gave a wonderful deep sounding voice that is very good to listen to.

As I say to you before, we have plenty of monies. My husband left me off quite well and we have no lack of monies. I mostly pay for people to read to my childrens but if ye need but $450, I can find a way to arrange that.

Sweet Eliot and Little Peppers agree you a handsome man.

Quote:

OK MADAM THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLEMENT ,DO YOU KNOW THE FUNNY THING? SOME TIMES WHEN I COME BACK HOME LATE MY WIFE WILL CALL BE UGLY MAN, BUT WHEN I MAKE IT UP ON TIME SHE WILL SAY AM THE MOST HANDSOME MAN ON EARTH.SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ............OK MADAM I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE TRUST YOU HAVE IN ME AND I PROMISE NEVER TO LET YOU OR MY BIG ELIOT DOWN OK? EVERY ARRANGEMENT TO SEND YOUR CHEQUE TO YOU HAS BEEN MADE SO BY MONDAY IN THE MORNING YOUR CHEQUE WILL BE ON HIS WAY TO YOU,,,

NOTE THAT WILL ONLY HAPPENED IF YOU WERE ABLE TO FINISH THE PAYMENT BEFORE SUNDAY.
SO I WANT TO KNOW CAN YOU BE ABLE TO PAY THAT $450 BEFORE SUNDAY? IF YES TELL ME THE DAY
AND ALSO FOR US NOT TO MAKE MISTAKE EMAIL US ONCE AGAIN THE CORRECT ADDRESS FOR US TO DELIVER THE CHECK.I WAIT YOU RESPONSE. THANK YOU

Quote:

Yes Dear Mr Hump Here,

My assistant of 40 years named Connie can help me since I don't leave the orphanage very often. She can get to bank if needed.

We are at Honorable Order of Michigan Orphanages, Beaver Island, MI 49782.

Also please advice if ye take me up on thy offer of payments for recording books for my childrens?

He offers hope of reading!

Quote:

MADAM HERE IS WHAT YOU WILL DO THE INSTRUCTION BELOW IS THE PAYMENT INSTRUCTION THAT YOU ARE GOING TO USE TO PAY THE MONEY TO OUR ACCOUNT OFFICER BY NAME MIKE NZE I HAVE INFORMED HIM ABOUT IT OK? AND BE CAREFUL NOT TO MAKE MISTAKE ON IT ,
YOU ARE TO PAY THE MONEY BY (WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM) ANYONE THAT IS OK TO YOU AND BE CARE SHOULD INCISE ANYBODY SEND ANOTHER EMAIL ASKING YOU TO CHANE THE RECEIVERS NAME PLEASE EMAIL ME FIRST OK. BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO DISAPPOINTING YOU PLEASE......IF YOU CAN DO THAT TOMORROW IT WILL BE BETTER FOR ME TO SETTLE EVERYTHING ON TIME

RECEIVERS NAME: Mxxx Nxxx

COUNTRY: BENIN REPUBLIC

CITY: COTONOU

QUESTION: xxxxx

ANSWER: xxxxx

AMOUNT SEND $450 USD

AND AFTER YOU HAVE MADE THE PAYMENT SEND THE PAYMENT SLIP INFORMATION BACK TO US

AND ABOUT THE READING FOR CHILDREN, BY FIRST WEEK NEXT MONTH I WILL BE ON VACATION SO I WILL USE THAT TIME TO VISIT SOME STUDIO AROUND SO THAT I CAN RECORD AN AUDIO AND SEND TO YOU...SO PLEASE GET BACK TO ME ON TIME IF IT IS GOING TO BE DONE TOMORROW LET ME KNOW.. THANK YOU

I let him sit for a day...

Quote:

Good morning madam and how do you do? i understand that you only come to internate once a day, until you receive your cheque from us, you will try to be close to your computer so please go through all the email that i send to you since yesterday and email me back.thank you

Quote:

Oh Dear Mr Hump Here with the good looks and deep voice,

Orphan Eliot is my computr expert and is on it all the time. He some time tell me if I have mail but I know not why he knows.

Las night we readedf The wind and The willows to the childrens. I sure you know the book. Orpahn Tommy of 16 years was our main reader and he say "I doth say I shant procedd unless thine burdens be relieved cast hence and I am wherefore allowed to read with deep thunder voice like thy mr hump here!" Can you believe it! The children love you! I so do hope mr hump here you are ables to provide readings to us. It would give this old lady tremendous pleasures.

He wants the money....

Quote:

Madam you know here things are not the same in the orphanage, it is hard so we did not have opportunity to read most of that book but any how it is we give god the glory.how i wish i can come around to see what the orphanage look like in your country,God is your strength.Madam like i said on the previous emails that i send.
did you receive the instruction for your assistance to go and pay for the form in western union or money gram? PLEASE WE DO NOT HAVE TO WAST MUCH TIME BECAUSE MONDAY IS THE DAY YOUR CHEQUE WILL BE SEND.I WILL BELOW AGAIN IS THE ACCOUNT OFFICER PAYMENT INSTRUCTION FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO GO AND SEND THE MONEY ON HIS NAME THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM. HIS NAME IS MIKE NZE AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN YOUR GOING TO SASK YOUR ASSISTANCE TO GO AND SEND IT PLEASE I NEED TO GET ALL THE PEPPERS READY BEFORE MONDAY THAT IS WHY.OK I WAIT YOUR RESPONSE QUICK

HERE IS THE PAYMENT INSTRUCTION FOR YOU TO PAY THE MONEY , BY WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM.

<same as before>

MADAM AM WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY

Unfortunately Sister Mary lives no where near WU or MG...

Quote:

Sweet Dear Me Hump Here Kind Sir,

I receive your instructions. I talk to my helper Miss Connie. She say there is no West Union or money graham on Beaver island. She say only way is check or bank transfers. She say maybe money graham possible on main laind when ferry service starts up but it will be many weeks.

Miss Connie say to offer you instead of $450 to offer $500 for troubles but we can do only check or bank transfer from this island.

The orphans and I pray for you and we pray you have good bookstore by you since there be so many good books to learn from. Many of our own orphans go on to very nice lives and careers making good monies because of books readed to them.

Please dear mr hump here, we live on small island in michigan. Please let us know how to mail a check or bank transfer???

Piggy!

Quote:

MADAM I UNDERSTOOD YOUR EMAIL AND TRUST ME EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT THE PROCEDURE HERE BUT BECAUSE OF MY FRIEND ELIOT ALTHOUGH I NEVER SAW HIS PICTURE AND THE REST OF THE KIDS, I WILL DO ANYTHING TO BRING THIS WINNING HOME TO THEM OK ?. I SHOWED OUR ACCOUNT OFFICER YOUR EMAIL AND HE SAID SINCE TO RECEIVE BANK TRANSFER IS NOT PART OF OUR PROCEDURE HERE,, SO HE HAS TO CALL OUR MANAGER AND INFORM HIM ABOUT THE SITUATION , THEN OUR MANAGER GAVE US A GO AHEAD ORDER TO TELL YOU TO DO A BANK TRANSFER TO OUR COMPANY TOO IN LAGOS NIGERIA .....AND IT WILL BE VERY EASY FOR US TO GET THE MONEY FROM THERE BECAUSE ONCE YOU TRANSFER TO THEM AND THEY RECEIVE THE MONEY , WITHIN THE PERIOD OF 10 MINUS WE WILL GET THE MONEY OK SO THAT WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM .........SO THE ONLY PROBLEM WE HAVE NOW IS,THE MINIMUM MONEY YOU CAN TRANSFER TO THIS ACCOUNT IS $650 USD ACCORDING TO OUR ACCOUNT OFFICER. SO WHAT WILL HAPPEN IS, WHEN YOU TRANSFER THE MONEY WE WILL ONLY TAKE $450 FROM IT , THEN THE REMAINING $200 USD WILL BE ADDED TO THE CHECK THAT WE ARE SENDING TO YOU OK? SO YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY.

BELOW IS THE ACCOUNT NUMBER FOR YOU TO TRANSFER THE $650 USD

PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU TRANSFER IN DOLLAR

EMAIL ME ONCE THE TRANSFER IS DONE TOMORROW

BANK NAME: FIRST BANK PLC
ACCOUNT NAME: Exxxx Dxxxx
ACCOUNT #: 2xxxx
SWIFT CODE: Fxxxx
ADDRESS: # 35 MARINA LAGOS NIGERIA
BRANCH CODE: 4xxx
SORTING CODE: 0xxxx

PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK

Quote:

Dear Mr Hump Here,

You being too nice and good to us to help. I try to send picture of young orphan Eliot, that good boy. He take two bits from his piggy bank and say Dear Sister Mary Margaret Katherine, would thee be so kind heretofore send thy dear mr humphere in his wherewithal my two remaining bits.

So you get $650.25. I send Miss Connie out in the morrow to get you the monies.

And I attach a fake file jpg of poor Eliot that won't open.

Quote:

OK MADAM I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE FROM YOU AND THE WHOLE ORPHANAGE AND FROM MY HEART, I LOVE THEM YOU ALL AND WILL CONTINUE TO PUT THEM IN MY PRAYERS..

AND PLEASE TELL YOUR ASSISTANCE NOT MAKE MISTAKE OK SO ONCE AGAIN BELOW IS THE TRANSFER DETAILS AGAIN.
PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU TRANSFER IN DOLLAR
AND EMAIL ME ONCE THE TRANSFER IS DONE TOMORROW

So, I let him sit for a day. I do have to work now and then... But he got impatient...

Quote:

GOOD DAY MADAM PLEASE TRY AND EMAIL ME LET ME KNOW HOW FAR YOUR ASSISTANCE HAS GONE WITH THE TRANSFER OK?

Quote:

Madam why haven't i had from you? what is the problem?

Quote:

Madam you never email me back since yesterday, what is the problem?

Spreading some Easter cheer.

Quote:

sweet Dear Mr Hump Here,

There be no problem. Hath thee no idea how long it takes to prepare Easter baskets for 75 orphans? Miss Connie and I been at it for days. And finally we reach the day of our great nailed god and the celebrations on the island are wonderous.

For yesterday in celebration of easter the childrens read the Velveteen Rabbit which I am sure you know of. I took the honors of acting out the rabbit and the childrens take the roles of the other characters. I tell you mr hump here it was a wonderous performace you would have been proud of.

I send Miss Connie out with you monies but she say oh dear sister Mary Margaret Katherine it is but the holy week of the nailed god as thee know and thine places of monetary deviance are shuttered till the day of the raising of our nailed god.

Oh dear, yes I recall. Please accept apologies mr hump here as I do not attend finances too often and I was not awares. Miss Connie assures me she get you the monies as soon as finances locations open after the feast of the nailed god.

I do hope ye enjoy decorating the eggs with thine children this weekend mr Hump Here,

Poor lad feels betrayed...

Quote:

MADAM TO BE HONEST WITH YOU I FEEL BETRAYED NOT BECAUSE THE MONEY WAS NOT SENT BUT BECAUSE YOU DID NOT EMAIL ME ON TIME TO INFORM ME ABOUT THE CHANGE. NOW IN MY WORKING PLACE I AM BEEN KNOWN AS A MAN OF MY WORD AND I DO EVERYTHING TO KEEP IT THAT WAY. HAD IT BEEN YOU TOLD ME ON TIME , I WILL KNOW HOW TO COVER THINGS UP INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME LOOKING LIKE A FOOL IN FRONT OF THE ACCOUNT OFFICER AND OUR MANAGER.PLEASE I AM A HONEST MAN THAT IS WHY I LIKE BEEN HONEST TO MYSELF AND EVERYBODY I CAME IN CONTACT WITH..BUT NO PROBLEM I UNDERSTAND YOUR REASONS AND I WILL EXPLAIN TO OUR MANAGER ABOUT IT OK? BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO BE SPECIFIC ON THE DAY THAT YOUR ASSISTANCE IS GOING TO TRANSFER THE MONEY BECAUSE THAT IS THE FIRST THING HE WILL ASK ME OK? SO AM WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY ON THAT. AND AM HAPPY TO KNOW THAT YOUR ALRIGHT BECAUSE I WAS SCARED AND I KEEP ASKING MYSELF IF YOUR OK. SO THANK GOD FOR THAT . PLEASE GET BACK TO ME

Poetry...

Quote:

Oh Dear Mr Hump Here,

Certainly tis not I causing you to feel betrayed but the heathen devil himself. Tis not my fault the banks close for the feast of the nailed god. I just tell you what Miss Connie tell me. Mr Hump Here, you forget my childrens come first in my life and everything else including monies is last. So I hope you go to your confessor and repent. For if the nailed god did not come to save us and close the banks, you surest would be fellating the heathen devil himself in Dantes seventh layer of hell no doubt.

Do not be scared oh dear mr hump here. The nailed god sweet baby jesus amen rises tomorrow to save us all and deliver us from wickedness. Repent mr hump here. Repent!!! For thine is thy salvation!

As always, Eliot waves hello.

Quote:

THANK YOU MADAM FOR THE MASSAGE AND MY GREETINGS TO ALL TH CHILDREN OK AND I PRAY THAT WE ALL LIVE TO SEE MORE DAYS LIKE THIS. OF COURSE I WILL BE IN CHURCH TOMORROW FOR THE SERVICE .I WISH YOU A GOOD CELEBRATION AND DON'T EVER ALLOW ANYTHING TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY NEED YOU.I WILL DO MY BEST HERE OK UNTIL THE BANK START WORKING IN YOUR PLACE. THEN YOUR CHEQUE WILL BE SEND. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF AND ELIOT

And that's where we're at Easter weekend. I'm thinking Sister Mary is going to have some difficulties with the bank this coming week. After all, they are going to tell her she's sending money to Africa. What? Isn't Benin Republic that store in the mall on the mainland? And where will Connie come in...

Enjoying my first one...

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 6:34 am

Ho ho, enjoying this one. How are you going to make it clear that Mary is just a delusional nut?

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 1:23 pm

My thinking is at some point Connie will get herself involved. She'll inform our lad that she knows what he's up to, and how to get even more $$$ from the senile old lady -- by sending some audiobooks! They'll split the profits 50/50.

Either that or I'll send a few kitty pictures until he figures it out. Googling "kitties with easter eggs" brings up some fun results.

The downside though is I think he's more likely to send audio/video if they are indeed real children. So I have to think about this one.

Honestly, being my first bait, I'm in uncharted territory so I'm open to suggestions.

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 6:39 pm

Congrats on your first piggy.....they taste so very special, don't they? Keep up the good work and make sure to grow a pork farm Very Happy

Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 7:15 pm

Congrats! I have to say that I still get great satisfaction out of every piggy I get. My mentor JC can hold a beer in one hand and his laptop in the other and get 20 a day (' Very Happy

') so they may lose their luster for some but they're still special to me. My recent goal has been 5 a week whether credit card or bank account and I've been coming close to pulling it off.

Elite Baiter Joined: 17 Jun 2015 Posts: 1942

Congrats on the bacon. Don't forget they are social creatures and will need some friends. Very Happy

Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2017 2:55 am

Good work firing up the BBQ! Of course, I'm still laughing about this gem:

Quote:

Isn't Benin Republic that store in the mall on the mainland?

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

Congrats on the piggy and the beginnings of a really amusing bait. Thumbs up

Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 2:59 pm

Thank you all very much for the kind words and encouragement. I have a few baits going on at once but honestly, this is the only interesting one so far.

Easter is done...

Quote:

Good morning madam.and how was you celebration time ? i do hope that the whole children are ok? Madam do you know why i am very much worried about this your winning? ever since i left the orphanage although i do visit different orphanage with my family twice every year , i have never done something so big that they can remember me for it,so when you told me about children . i said to myself that this is the opportunity to make this work . so until i bring your winning home, i will not rest.. you remember that i told you that your check is to be send today if the balance is paid,i have to meet manager myself and i told him the truth about you and i told him about your holiday.but i never mention your assistance, but please madam forgive me because i have to lie on your behalf i told him that the main reason why you have not make the transfer is because you do not have chance to go out because of so many children on your care. but you will do that once you have a little time.once again forgive me for lying on your name but i have to do it in order to keep this winning active for the children ok.so for now i have been able to buy sometime for you till your holiday is over and your assistance will go and make the transfer.once again send my greetings to all the kids ok. i wait your response

Since I already got his piggy, my thoughts here are just to delay as long as I can. He's told me that at the beginning of May he'll record some audio, so I hope I can keep him going until then.

Quote:

Oh sweet Mr Hump Here,

We had wonderful celebrations all trhoughout Beaver Island. There was a free concert and the orphans were much pleased at all the ruckus. Not even a little rain and thunder could stop our great feast of the raising of the nailed god i tell you. The thunder just remind us of the power of our god and the wrath he rains down on those who oppose his great bible teachings. The orphans were very well behaved as I think you imagine them to be i'm sure though Peppers demanded to be carried a lot so my back is but a bit sore from that.

I believe sweet baby jesus amen forgive you for lying on my behalf but i don't think you needed to do so. You say you an honest person and you boss should think the same thing. Miss Connie say the places of monetary deviance open later to-day and she will make the walk there herself to send the monies. I think it takes about 90 minutes to walk there if I remember, it has been some time since the roads are good enough to get there. If Farmer Jethro happen to come by on his tractor it can cut the time to 80 minute but I know not where he be this morn.

I do hope mr hump here you had enjoybale easter with thine children and dying of the eggs and eating of the hams and butters shaped like lambs and jelly beans and chocolates. I going to try resting my sore back on this fine day but little Peppers say she make it up to me for all she made me do for her so I have that to look for.

Quote:

Madam i am sorry once again for lying on your name but i have to do it because my manager had a horrible experience growing up as a kid. so he does not have any human simpaty . he is a tough person .that was why i have to do what i did, but am sorry about it and i have also ask god for forgiveness .i am happy to here that you and children had a good time and also they behaved well so glory be to Jesus Christ for that .And am happy to know that your assistance has gone to make the transfer........please email me as soon as she make the transfer so that i can notify the head officer and to request for them to send such amount to us without delay.thank you so much and i am waiting to hear from you

More delays... and a visit to the vet?

Quote:

Oh my sweet dear mr hump here,

Thousands of apologies. Little orphan Tommy the 16 year old was roughing around and fell a wee bit and we had to run him off to the veterinarian for looking at his bits and things. We think he be okay now but good Miss Connie had to attend to the other Orphans while me and Farmer Jethro race orphan tommy to the doctor on Farmer Jethro's John Deere he named john deere for reasons only baby jesus knows.

But ye and yours need not worry dear mr hump here as the sweet doctor say golly gee i think he'll be playing in the yarn soon enogh if i dare say so. Seems it be but a sprain but a stern talking to is coming tommys way if he knows whats best for him.

So it be unusual busy here mr hump here wit all the commotions and such. I try to send Miss Connie out in the morrow with you monies.

He switches back and forth from ALL CAPS. He's been off script for a while, so I'm not sure why that is.

Quote:

MADAM GOOD MORNING AND MY PRAYER IS FOR GOD TO STRENGTHEN YOU AND YOUR ASSISTANCE, RASING CHILDREN IS ONE OF THE HARDEST JOB ON THIS PLANET. JUST THE ONE I HAVE IN THE HOUSE MY WIFE WILL SHOUT FROM MORNING TO NIGHT, I JUST WONDER WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH IN ORDER TO MAKE IT UP WITH THAT LARGE NUMBER OF CHILDREN BUT GOD WILL SURELY STRENGTHEN YOU.ALSO AM TRYING MY BEST HERE OK AND JUST AS YOU SAID EMAIL ME AS SOON AS YOUR ASSISTANCE HAS MADE THE TRANSFER. SO THAT I WILL CALL OUR HEAD OFFICE FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THAT AMOUNT WITH OUT DELAY.BECAUSE I WILL BE ON VACATION SOON JUST AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE NOW. SO I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE YOUR CHEQUE BEFORE THAT OK?PLEASE TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR SELF AND THE CHILDREN FOR ME OK.I WAIT YOUR RESPONSE AS SOON AS THE TRANSFER IS MADE.

Well, Miss Connie made it to the bank and things didn't go well. I had to use the line about the Banana Republic!

Quote:

Oh dear Mr Hump Here,

I sended Miss Connie to the place of monetary devience by us and she say she try to transfer you $650.25 to you. The bank teller lady sweet dear say Dear Miss Connie, why Sister Mary's money was stolen but a few months ago by an anthony do you not recall?

And Miss Connie say why yes of courrse i do recall for tis why Sister Mary Margaret Katherine think all anthonys are spawns of the devil heathen himself having stloen her monies from her poor orphans and such.

And the dear bank teller lady say why miss Connie after the anthony steal you monies Dear Sister Mary Margaret Katherine had us put a lock on the account for any suspicious activity and you trying to send monies to Africa so we can only do it if ye so prove these monies no go to another bad anthony and on tops that the monies must only be sent by Sister Mary herselves.

Oh dear mr hump here i know not why they think i try to send monies to Africa cause as you say you work for Banana Republic in the mall on the mainland or am I no correct?

Anyways if my back feel betters in the morrow i may set foot myself down to tell that bank lady that she is wrong and dear mr hump here is just trying to help us.

If sweet baby jesus amen allows for it i hope I can get back to my orphans before dark and having succesfully getted you the monies be able to relieve Miss connie bless her heart for helping me out once again.

I trying my best. I hopes you boss no get too upset since I try hard each day.

May our nailed god continue to bless you dear mr hump here and i get you the monies as soon as felinely possible.

And the following email is why I've decided to do this. For three weeks my orphans have been in need, but he sends me this depraved line of thinking. The level that the lads are willing to stoop to is truly disgusting.

Quote:

Madam i saw your email and am very disappointed at the bank woman..why on earth will i steal from the orphans ? the orphanage made me who i am today and all i can do is to steal from them? no that does not make sense to me.Madam i will do everything to prove the bank woman wrong. (Oh really? Everything?) i am not and the company i work for, does not steal from people . all we do is to help life... although in Africa we have had a bad record but madam you can bear me witness that in the bible that no matter how bad Nazareth was,good thing still came out of it. madam you trusted me and i plane not to disappoint you ok and please i did not tell you that am from banana republic.our country is Benin republic and the place your to send the money is to our headquarters in Nigeria for us to withdraw from there.madam i will try my best here to hold on from this side to make sure this winning is not rendered void...And my prayer is for god to give you strength by tomorrow so that you can go to bank your self and insist for them to make the transfer as you said ok? thank you for the grate trust you have on me.once again below is the account transfer details again. as i wait for your response once your back from bank tomorrow.

<snip - bank details again>

Miss Connie L Ingus is about to take her week off, Sister Mary tries to explain...
(I have to play to my strengths - double entendres.)

Quote:

Oh mr hump here

Believe you me I do understand you frustration but be not upset at bank teller lady as she just doing her job just as you are just doing your fine job I would think. I am more upset at that anthony that stole our monies last year that is the cause of all this for to happens!!! Tis why I dislike anthonys so very much. Our bible teachings tell us to love everyone and I do except for anthonys and I pray the sweet baby jesus forgive me that one sin.

We pay out monies jsut last week to young man who sent us wonderful video book readings - I think we sent $4000 to him but I think he was here in Michigan so that is why that moneies went through. I do hope you are still thinking if helping us in that regards?

Miss Connie L Ingus her full name is, she is with me for one more day and then she take a week off. She is very good and warm and comforting but she is unavailable for one week each month - she say something about strawberry shortcakes tasting like rusty nails but I do not quite understand. Seems you not a very good baker or use too much yeast if something is like that. Do ye mr hump here enjoy strawberry shortcakes? I suppose maybe you beautiful wife does perhaps?

Anyways I take advantage of the one more day Miss Connie be around and try to get to the bank whiles she watch over my good orphans. My back is still sore from carrying Little Peppers around. Miss Connie L Ingus say without me you can try riding Farmer Jethro's tractor to fill the gap and indeeed here he come up the road now so I flag him down for a ride to the bank.

Please inform you boss I trying my best and if the travels arent' too much for this old lass I try to rite you against soon!

Quote:

Madam i am very sorry that you have to go through this kind of stress.because of your back.but if you believe that Jesus can heal you, you will be free , i know too way that you are a woman of faith and your faith shall set you free ok. am working with account officer now so i have his full support now so i do not have much problem now over here.just try your best i know it is not easy for you but god is your strength ok? just try and see that the transfer is successful and email me as soon as that is done . i wait for your response as i keep praying for you

I fear things are not going to go well at the bank today. Very Happy

Not having Connie L Ingus for a week might buy me time.

More to come...

Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2017 9:09 pm

No Connie L Ingus for a week can make a lad desperate.

This week was mostly delay and not too exciting. But delay is the key right now. I'm going for a trophy next week.

The lad is expecting all to go well here, but unfortunately Sister Mary had issues at the bank. On the plus side, Eliot wants to help! I figure if I can write in a way that is confusing and makes the lad have to read it a few times, I've accomplished my goal. So here goes...

Quote:

Oh my mr hump here with the good looks and sweet voice,

I dare say me legs be aching todays after getting to the bank and back. Farmer Jethro were kind enough to get me a ride on john deere to the bank but he had to attend to his own farm matters afterwards so I was left to walk back to the orphange on my own. I know I say it take 90 minute or so but for my old leg it was taking much longer. As I come up the drive, little orphan Eliot see me and declare Hey Sister Mary Margaret Katherine tis ye from yonder return from whence the place of monetary devience?

I think perhaps it be prudent to get Eliot's eyes checked as I'm not sure exactly whom else he thinks I might be.

But alas, Yes, tis I say I slowly and sat on my chair on the veranda. A number of the orpahns come out the greet me and Miss Connie there too and Sweet Peppers ask me Sister Mary Margaret Katherine w're thee able to sendeth thou wages henceforth to thine dear mr hump here? See the childrens ask about you all the time!

But dear mr hump here have I a project aheads of me now to get you the monies. I tell the bank teller lady about you and she say that because of the issues we had last year with the anthony steal our monies that I have to send in a lot of information on paper to get the transaction to go thru. And would you believe mr hump here right then and there I swear she handed over to me a large stack of papers with a lot of words on them that to be honest to you mr hump here I not sure I completely inderstand and I may have to get Miss Connie to helps me out with this but she is leaving for a week so I not sure what I can do.

So this morning I am get to work on all these lines of papers and I'm hoping that ye mr hump here might be able to help me fill out a few of the questions. One of them asks the name of the anthony that is representing me and I hopes you might know the anthonys name since that is one of the first questions. Of course I know my name and your name and all that but it is a lot of pages of questions.

The bank teller lady say it is possible to do all this on the computer as well, but I no good on computers. I try to do the papers one first and see how that goes.

But it not too bad because I know you been a very good help sweet mr hump here. If you can believe it, little Eliot just now sees me and say dear Sister p'rhaps i receiveth mine crayolas I acquired at the nativity feast past and holp thee? What a good boy lest I don't think I dare say the bank would accept the doodlings of a nine year old.

Oh my that is too much typing and not enough with the papers. So in between the orphans and the meals and the cooking and the reading and the washing and the cleaning and the laundry and the bedtimes I try to get to the papers I need to finish and sadly I have no Miss Connie for the next week so I trying my best you let you boss know that okay?

I think my lad is solidly hooked... and confused.

Quote:

Madam once again am sorry that your going through all that stress.i did no understand the ending of your email well.at this point i have to let the boss know how things are.in order not to put my job on the line.so please put me through.are you saying hat you can not do the transfer till your assistance returns? please don't be offended explain to me well so hat i will know how to explain to our boss here. thank you and god bless you. i wait your response

Sister Mary is going to need some help with the forms. I'm thinking a photo might be needed next week...

Quote:

Oh mr hump here,

Many many apologies for being so unexplanatory. Here is what I try to say. I have here in my hands with me the papers that the bank teller lady give me to fill out in orders to get you the monies. Yes, so far?

So I will try my best to fill out the papers with all the questions it has me answer to the best of my thoughts. But it very hard for me to do and would be much easier if Miss Connie could help me but she gone for a week. So I try to do it myself but it may take a little whiles since I have to attend to the orphans as well.

So for you I need you to answer one question that is on the first page of all the questions and that is the name of the anthony that you say is going to represent for me the paperwork in you country? I need to put on the papers the name of the anthony but I look for it and I do not have it here anywheres.

Bank teller lady say I can do the papers on the computer too but I not too good with computers at all mr hump here. So if I may beg for your pardons I may ask you other questions as I get to them and then I can get this papers all filled out and get you the moneis?

Sister Mary goes into full delay mode...

Quote:

MADAM YOU ARE VERY FREE TO ASK ME ANY QUESTION OK? (Oh, we'll get to that...) THE NAME OF OUR ATTORNEY IS MR OGB0NJIGI NTUI AND THIS IS THE EMAIL YOU CAN USE SHOULD IN CASE YOU WANT TO REACH HIM (<snip - email>), IF THERE IS MORE QUESTION PLEASE ASK ME AS I WAIT FOR YOUR REPLY.GOD BLESS YOU

Delay, delay... Same email 24 hours later...

After another 24 hours...

Quote:

Madam i am a little worried, please email me let me know what is going on.

The return of Connie L Ingus is unpredictable.

Quote:

Oh sweet mr hump here,

You so nice to be worried about me but you need not be. I just filling out the papers as I get the time. So far so good, but mine eyes are not as good as they once was so it take some time.

I look forward to Miss Connie return sometime next week though when she get back is usually unpredicatbale.

The lad keeps BCCing me so now I'm getting all his emails three at a time. Wonderful...

Quote:

MADAM TO BE SINCERE I WAS SO MUCH WORRIED BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THE STRESS OF TAKEN CARE OF THE CHILDREN WILL BE MUCH ON YOU SINCE YOUR ASSISTANCE IS NOT AROUND, BUT LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, THE LORD IS YOUR STRENGTH. BECAUSE IT IS NOT EASY TAKEN CARE OF CHILDREN.NO PROBLEM. SHOULD IN CASE YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION FEEL FREE TO ASK ME OK?. DO NOT WORRY , LET US WAIT FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO COME BACK AND I PRAY SHE COME BACK SOON, AND PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ME. AS I WILL EMAIL YOU EVERY DAY TO KNOW HOW YOU AND THE CHILDREN ARE OK. (Oh, I'm well aware.) I WISH YOU WELL AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF AND MAY THE ALMIGHTY LORD BE WITH YOU AND THE CHILDREN.

So, the dear Sister might have issues with the paperwork. Her eyesight is not too well and Eliot is trying to help her with his Crayolas. Next week I'm going for a trophy and maybe Miss Connie will finally return.

Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2017 1:01 am

I continue to try for a trophy. I thought for sure I had this set up perfectly. I was wrong.

After sitting for a few days, Sister Mary had to begin this week:

Quote:

Oh Dear Mr Hump here with the wonderfuil looks and deep voice,

I am so afraid for you right now as you say you were to rite me every day but it hath been 2 days! No, I just teasing, I sure you just a busy man with you sweet wife and all so I understand.

I am getting though this paperwork best I can until Miss Connie return. On page 17 there is a section for security and it say... I will type it out best I can, here is what it say...

Due to frequent occurrences of fraudulent activity involving money transfers to various locations, a positive photographic identification process has been initiated. All submissions of money transfers to Africa, Russia, Cameroon, and Saudi Arabia must include a current photograph of the recipient or his/her designee, which includes the following: 1) The name or business name of the account owner sending the funds, 2) The name of the bank initiating the transfer, 3) The name of the recipient or his/her designee.

So my sweet mr hump here, I think the only thing I need is a photograph of you that is current - maybe you sweet wife can take one for you. And if I read right, a note in the photo saying "Orphan - Beavers - Hump Here" if I read it right.

I think if I get that I am ready to send the monies. I have spent all this time filling out all these papers and my hands hurt. So thank you mr hump here for helping because then I think I am finally done with all this. Orphan Eliot will learn me how to print out you beautiful photo.

Apparently, Sister Mary comes up frequently over dinner at the Humphere household:

Quote:

Madam I am so glad to hear from you, just last nite i was discussing with my wife about you and she said how can only you be taking care of that much children and she was saying that you need extra hands to help you and she was so passionate about it as a mother .but all i can tell her is that you are a strong woman and the strength of god is with you.coming to your email about the current picture the attachment you will see is my current picture now. you can use it ok. you can go ahead and use it.and please feel free to email me if you ever need my help...and i will be waiting for your email to know how far you have gone. please do take care of your self and the children and may the almighty god protect you all.i wait for your response

And he sent his very handsome picture... getting closer!

I'm now getting his emails 5 at a time. Goodness...

Still trying for the trophy!

Quote:

My dear mr hump here,

I receive you handsome picture. Sweet Peppers and Orphan Eliot both say again how handsome you look. They still hope you think about reading to them soon!

I hope you read again my last email if I may be so polite as to ask you to do so. The bank papers say I need to submit a photo of the receiver - you - with 3 names on it. I don't have it in my hands to type it all out again, but can you read the last mesage I sent and get you beautiful wife to help you with that? Or your boss but he don't sound like too nice a gentleman so maybe you wife?

I think when you send that then finally after all that I am done with the papers and can get you the monies!!! The orphans are all so excited! I expect Miss Connie back soon!

Quote:

Madam thank you and my friend Elliot for the complement,and also tell them that i will send the picture of my little baby when he finally arrive.
And for the three names your talking about. am confuse about it. i don't know if your talking about my name , middle name, and surname,if that is correct here is my name in details
(MR HUMPHREY ...edited...) but should in case am wrong about the three names please email me and explain in a way that i will understand ,ok may the almighty god be with you and the whole children . and am looking forward for your reply soon enough

Nine year old Eliot gives an effort:

Quote:

My dear mr hump here.

Sweet Eliot know how to copy and paste from my other email. Here he goes.

HI MR HUMPHERE!!!!

FROM SISTERS OTHER EMAIL ->
I am getting though this paperwork best I can until Miss Connie return. On page 17 there is a section for security and it say... I will type it out best I can, here is what it say...

Due to frequent occurrences of fraudulent activity involving money transfers to various locations, a positive photographic identification process has been initiated. All submissions of money transfers to Africa, Russia, Cameroon, and Saudi Arabia must include a current photograph of the recipient or his/her designee, which includes the following: 1) The name or business name of the account owner sending the funds, 2) The name of the bank initiating the transfer, 3) The name of the recipient or his/her designee.

WE NEED THIS PART RIGHT HERE! ->
So my sweet mr hump here, I think the only thing I need is a photograph of you that is current - maybe you sweet wife can take one for you. And if I read right, a note in the photo saying "Orphan - Beavers - Hump Here" if I read it right.

I think if I get that I am ready to send the monies. I have spent all this time filling out all these papers and my hands hurt. So thank you mr hump here for helping because then I think I am finally done with all this. Orphan Eliot will learn me how to print out you beautiful photo.

BYE MR HUMPHERE!!!

ELIOT

Quote:

GOOD MORNING MADAM AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR QUICK REPLY .LIKE I SAID BEFORE THE ATTACHED PICTURE IS MY RECENT PICTURE .
YES ALTHOUGH THAT I AM YOUR CLAIM OFFICER WHICH MAKES ME THE RECEIVER OF THIS MONEY YOUR SENDING.I WILL ALSO REMIND YOU THAT THE ACCOUNT NUMBER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO SEND THE MONEY TO, IS THE ACCOUNT NUMBER OF OUR ACCOUNT OFFICER IN NIGERIA... bla bla bla more account info

I want my bleeping trophy!!!

Quote:

Oh sweet mr hump here.

You not understanding. It say I need a picture of you with the information on it!!! So I need a picture of you with a sign, I not sure of it handwritten or printed, that say - Orphan - Beaver - Humphere.

That is all. Then I can finally get you the money. Tis not I that make this dumb rule but the bank!

Quote:

MADAM I GOT THE EMAIL AND PLEASE DO NOT BE ANGRY. YOU MADE A LOT OF MISTAKE ON THE EMAIL YOU SEND SO I STILL DID NOT UNDERSTAND YOU WELL .DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU NEED A PICTURE OF ME WITH MY SIGNATURE ON IT? AND WHICH INFORMATION SHOULD BE INCLUDED ON THE PICTURE? PLEASE MAKE ME TO UNDERSTAND SO THAT I CAN EMAIL THEM TO YOU IMMEDIATELY?I WAIT FOR YOUR REPLY

Quote:

My dear mr hump here,

I try to explain better. You can find my email from before with the explanation.

I need to submit a photo of you with writing or a holding a sign saying the three things ... it need to be

Orphan
Beavers
Hump Here

just like that. That is our business name - orphan - bank name - beaver - and receiver - hump here. I need a message just like that the bank says in the same picture as you so it prove to the bank you a real person who I sending the monies to. So I hope you beautiful wife or you boss can take a picture of you with that. Then I can finally get you the monies.

My much thanks, I think Miss Connie return later this week

Quote:

GOOD MORNING MADAM AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR QUICK RESPONSE AND NOW I UNDERSTOOD WELL THE POINT YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE ALL THIS TIME,MADAM TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, ALL MY YEARS IN THIS OFFICE I HAVE NEVER GONE THROUGH THIS KIND OF STRESS ,BUT ONE THING I ASK MYSELF IS THIS IS, WHILE GROWING UP IN THE ORPHANAGE,SOMEONE HAS TO PAY THE SACRIFICE ON MY BEHALF SO I THINK IT IS TIME FOR ME TO DO THE SAME THING TO OTHERS. ALTHOUGH IT WAS A LITTLE BIT CHALLENGING BUT THANK GOD THAT I WAS ABLE TO COME UP WITH SOME THING GOOD., BACK TO THE REQUEST OF THE PICTURE WITH SIGN ON IT,I HAVE TO INFORM OUR MD ABOUT IT BECAUSE ALL THIS WHILE A LOT OF QUESTIONS HAS BEEN POPPING UP SO I WAS LEFT WITH NO CHOICE BUT TO LET OUR BOSS KNOW THE SITUATION OF THINGS SINCE HE WAS THE ONE THAT ASK US TO TRANSFER THE MONEY TO OUR OFFICE IN NIGERIAN JUST AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE SO THAT IT WILL BE EASY FOR US SINCE YOU CAN NOT DO WESTERN UNION I HOPE YOU REMEMBER?
NOW HE TOLD ME THAT THIS MONEY YOUR SENDING IS NOT FOR MY PERSONAL USE ALSO IT IS NOT BEEN SEND TO MY ACCOUNT THAT AM JUST A CLAIM OFFICER STANDING FOR YOU, HE SAID THAT THE RIGHT PERSON TO SNAP A PICTURE AND PUT THE THREE SIGN ON IT JUST AS YOU REQUESTED SHOULD BE THE ACCOUNT OFFICER IN OUR OFFICER IN NIGERIA , WHO HAPPENS TO BE THE PERSON TO RECEIVE THE MONEY AND TRANSFER IT TO US,,,,NOW THIS MORNING IMMEDIATELY WE FINISH THE DISCUSSION, HE CALLED THE ACCOUNT OFFICER IN WHO,S NAME IS BEEN USE TO RECEIVE THE MONEY,HE TOLD HIM TO SNAP A PICTURE AND I HAVE TO EMAIL HIM WHAT SHOULD BE WRITING ON THE SIGN AND RETURN IT TO US..THAT WAS WHY THERE WAS A DELAY TO REPLY YOUR EMAIL........THE PICTURE NOW YOU WILL SEE ON THE ATTACHMENT.IS THE ACCOUNT OFFICER IN NIGERIA AND HE IS THE PERSON TO RECEIVE THE MONEY AND TRANSFER TO US HERE AND ON THE PICTURE THE THREE SIGN WAS WRITTEN ON IT....SO PLEASE GO THROUGH THE ATTACHED PICTURE AND EMAIL ME BACK ,I WANT TO BE SURE THAT ,IT HAS BEEN SETTLED OK. I WAIT YOUR RESPONSE

Hmmph. I'm thinking the bank is not going to like this one...

And here I start to walk a fine line. I don't want to tell him his picture sucks, but I want a better one. Fortunately Miss Connie returns soon.

Quote:

Oh dear mr hump here,

I hear Miss Connie return to me tomorrow after her April hemorrhage fest. I take you picture and all the paperwork to the bank tomorrow and get you the monies. I spent all weekend on papers so I hope you picture is perfect for the bank. I think everything else in order.

Quote:

MADAM AM HAPPY TO HEAR THAT MISS CONNIE RETURNS TOMORROW AND PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW HER TO BE GONE FOR THAT LONG , SO THAT THE WORK WILL NOT BE TO MUCH FOR YOU ALONE IN THE ORPHANAGE , AND BY TOMORROW I PRAY TOO FOR THE BANK TO ACCEPT THE PICTURE TOO OK. AND PLEASE EMAIL ME ONCE YOU ARE THROUGH WITH THE BANK SO THAT MY MIND WILL BE SETTLED . I WILL KEEP PRAYING FOR GOD TO MAKE YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL OK. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR SELF AND I WILL BE WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU

A day later...

Quote:

MADAM I WAS HOPING THAT YOU WILL EMAIL ME TODAY, SO THAT I WILL KNOW HOW THINGS WENT DOWN

Didn't go well... Time for a slap.

Quote:

Oh Mr hump here,

I writes you today with great anger and I pray to the nailed god sweet baby jesus amen that he control my anger towards you.

You know it takes me 90 minute to walk to the bank while Miss Connie watch the orphans. Then I need to walk 90 minute back. And I walk back very angry at you.

I work so hard all week on these papers and all I ask from you is a simple photo but the bank teller lady say the photo you give me is no real and no true and very blurry and you just another anthony trying to steal my orphans money!

I show the photo just now to Miss Connie and she say it no good either. Say it was shopped or something like that.

And now the bank teller lady say my account is frozen until I can prove ye not a fraud. Mr hump here you make me so angry because I have readers coming for the orphans today that I must pay but because of YOU I cannot pay them now. The orphans will be so upset!

So I demand of you two things or I shall tell all the orphans who admire you that you are not an honest man. I demand a written apology to me and all the orphans. And I demand a proper photo with the proper words to give to the bank.

You keep saying you an honest man so now I need you to be one. Send those to me so I can get my bank account unlocked! I only hope sweet jesus give me the strength to go to the bank yet again for you.

I pray for thee.

Quote:

MADAM I AM VERY SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU JUST FOR A DAY, I AM A HONEST MAN AND I WILL ALWAYS STAND ON MY WORLDS EVEN IF I HAVE TO DIE OK? I TOLD YOU VERY CLEAR THAT THE MAN ON THE PICTURE IS NOT ME, I ALSO TOLD YOU THAT THAT PICTURE WAS SEND FROM OUR BRANCH IN NIGERIA WERE THE MONEY IS TO BE TRANSFERRED.PLEASE GO BACK TO THE PREVIOUS EMAIL THAT I SEND YOU WHILE SENDING THE PICTURE YOU WILL SEE IT THERE,,
PLEASE I BEG OF YOU IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST TELL MY FRIEND ELLIOT AND MISS CONNIE THAT I AM WHO I SAID I AM .THAT MISTAKE CAME FROM OUR BRANCH IN NIGERIA AND PLEASE MY APOLOGY TO ALL THE CHILDREN, PLEASE TELL THEM NOT TO GIVE UP ON ME OK I WILL MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT,,, AND MY APOLOGY TO YOU TOO FROM MY HEART I AM SORRY , I WAS WORKING ON THE INSTRUCTION OF OUR MD. I WILL HAVE TO LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH DAMAGE HE HAS CAUSED .. PLEASE I PLEAD WITH YOU IN THE NAME OF JESUS FORGIVE ME AND DO NOT GIVE UP ON ME, I WILL SEND YOU THE PICTURE OF ME OR OUR SECRETARY HERE OR ACCOUNT OFFICER IMMEDIATELY OUR MD APPROVES IT OK. AND TO THE BANK WOMAN TELL HER THIS WAS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING, I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY AND AM NOT TRYING TO STEAL YOUR MONEY. PLEASE I AM A CLAIM OFFICER IN CHARGE OF YOUR WINNING OK.... ONCE AGAIN I AM VERY SORRY.

And a few hours later...

Quote:

MADAM GOOD MORNING AND I HOPE THAT YOUR ALRIGHT. MADAM YOUR CASE HAS BROUGHT A LOT OF PROBLEM THIS MORNING IN THE OFFICE, AND THE PART THAT GETS EVERYBODY UPSET WAS THE PART THAT YOU SAID THAT AM JUST ANOTHER ATTORNEY TRYING TO STEAL YOUR MONEY, OUR BOSS DID NOT TAKE IT EASY BUT I HAVE TO NOW START TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT YOU SAID THAT OUT OF ANNOYANCE BUT ALL THE SAME WE ARE VERY SORRY ABOUT EVERY STRESS THAT YOU WENT THROUGH YESTERDAY. ...MADAM YOU WILL SEE AN ATTACHMENT ON THIS EMAIL , BEFORE GOD AND MAN OUR MD HAS TO CALL A CAMERA MAN IN THE PRESENT OF THE WHOLE STAFF AND THIS PICTURE WAS TAKING , AND THE PERSON IN THE PICTURE IS OUR OWN ACCOUNT OFFICER, AND THE REASON WHILE AM NOT BEEN ALLOWED FOR THIS IS BECAUSE I AM JUST A CLAIM OFFICER HERE AND DOES NOT HAVE ANY BUSINESS HANDLING MONEY.AND PLEASE MADAM . PLEASE THE INSTRUCTION GIVEN TO ME AFTER THIS PICTURE WAS TAKING IS THIS, SHOULD IN CASE THE BANK WOMAN REFUSE TO TAKE THIS PICTURE AND START CALLING ME OR OUR COMPANY NAMES.I HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO STOP EVERY COMMUNICATION WITH YOU IF THAT HAPPENS, MY BOSS IS VERY ANGRY ONCE AGAIN THIS PICTURE WAS TAKING THIS MORNING AND IT IS NOT ANYWHERE A PHOTO SHOP PICTURE ,MY PRAYER IS THAT THE BANK SHOULD UNFROZE YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE AM VERY SORRY TELL MY FRIEND ELLIOT AND MISS CONNIE THAT OK AM TRYING MY BEST.....I WAIT SERIOUSLY FOR YOUR REPLY THANK YOU

(sigh)... Mini slap...

Quote:

Oh dear mr hump here,

You forgetted my written apology.

So the trophy quest continues next week. We're approaching our one month anniversary together.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

Well, my eyes might be deceiving me, Lake D'A, but that latest pic looks awfully like the same man as in the ID pic he sent. Very Happy

You are doing so well with this bait and it is highly entertaining and amusing. Very best luck getting an official apology from him. Twisted Evil

Posted: Mon May 01, 2017 1:19 am

I do sincerely thank you for the kind words. It means a lot coming from baiters who have been here a while.

Spoiler alert, the trophy has been acquired and will be posted after a few more email exchanges! Stay tuned...

Posted: Mon May 01, 2017 2:13 am

Can I borrow the idea of shakesperean english in a bait? Thats priceless. The lad has got to be having fits trying to understand it. Embarassed

be sure to teach him some new words. And by new of course I mean ones you invented Twisted Evil

Posted: Mon May 01, 2017 3:28 am

^^ Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so have at it! Most of what I write is off the top of my head and written in just a few minutes. Then I go back and reread it and entertain myself! But when I'm stumped or looking for inspiration, I found this site:

https://lingojam.com/EnglishtoShakespearean

Admittedly, Sister Mary's emails have been lacking in Shakespearean lately, but I'll start adding more again. I've just been working at this trophy and now that I have it, she can be confusing again. I agree it must drive the lads nuts!

I appreciate the compliment!

Posted: Mon May 01, 2017 5:13 pm

I was going to wait a few more days but this is too much fun and I'm looking for immediate advice from fellow baiters as described below!

But first, pulling out all the stops, Sister Mary says she's only going to the bank one more time, so she needs the best possible photo. Eliot puts on the finishing touch.

Quote:

Oh mr hump here,

I get you latest photo and do you super think this one is a good one? If I have to walk to the bank teller lady and back again without getting you the monies I fear that my legs will not work for weeks after. So I need from you the best possible photo so the bank teller lady say I can send you the monies!!!

Also, I politely ask you for a hand written apology to me and my orphans. After I get you hand written apology and my legs and back and things feel well enough, I go once again to the place of monetary deviance to get you the monies!!!

Orphan Eliot wave hello as usual. Oh Jimmeny Christmas he wants to type you something...

HI MR HUMPP HERE! HUMPPPPP HEEEEERRRREEEE!!!!! ELIOT

Finally, after weeks of trying, the lad delivers the goods.

Quote:

MADAM SINCE FRIDAY THAT YOU EMAIL ME ABOUT HOW DISAPPOINTED YOU ARE, I HAVE NOT BEEN MYSELF HOW I WISH YOUR CLOSE TO ME YOU WILL SEE HOW SORRY I AM ALTHOUGH IT IS NOT MY FAULT LIKE I SAID THE FAULT CAME FROM OUR OFFICE IN NIGERIA,,,BUT MADAM HEAR IS MY APOLOGY TO YOU, FOR THE SAKE OF JESUS THAT DIED JUST TO SET US ALL FREE, I PLEAD WITH YOU IN THAT NAME PLEASE FORGIVE ME, NOW AM TAKING THE BLAME. I SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER INSTEAD OF PUTTING YOU ON THAT KIND OF STRESS. PLEASE FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME AND PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP ON ME OK..AFTER THE PICTURE THAT I SEND TO YOU I MEAN THE NEW ONE, THAT OUR MD CALLED A CAMERA MAN TO SNAP OUR ACCOUNT OFFICER,THIS EVENING BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT YOU TO GO TO BANK AGAIN WITHOUT ARCHIVING ANYTHING I HAVE TO USE MY PHONE NOW TO SNAP THE ASSISTANT ACCOUNT OFFICER JUST OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE. I TOLD HIM HOW THINGS ARE WITH YOU AND WHY AM DOING WHAT AM DOING, AND THE YOUNG MAN WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE, SO I HAVE TO TAKE THIS PICTURE MYSELF. TO GOD WHO MADE ME HAD IT BEEN THAT I HAVE RIGHT TO SNAP MYSELF, I WILL DO IT, BUT MY POSITION HERE DOES NOT ALLOW ME.BUT PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY AND MY WIFE TOO ALSO SAID THAT I SHOULD TELL YOU TO FORGIVE US..SO THE TWO PICTURE NOW IS THE ACCOUNT OFFICER AND THE ASSISTANT. TELL THE BANK THAT THE FIRST MISTAKE WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING OK? ONCE AGAIN AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING, PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK

He says it's someone else but I have no doubt, that's my lad!

Okay, on to the next quest. Reading my orphans some books.

Sister Mary is starting to enjoy run-on sentences as well. I could have just typed, "I'll send the money tomorrow." Too easy.

Quote:

Oh my dear mr hump here,

I receive you pictures and indeed they look very nice. Both those mens seem very nice and I wonder, since you know these men, do you think by chance either of them might be interested in recording books for the orphans? They look like they have very nice voices indeed mr hump here and please tell them that I pay them monies for the books of course I think you know that.

I tell you what happenstance this eve past. I gather with Miss Connie all the orphans except for Orphan Nelson and Orphan Penelope who beith out galavanting somewhat as they in their teen years and such. I know not where they go off to but they both seem so happy when they return in the midnght. But I gather all the rest together and we pray on Sundays and such and we pray about the usual things like forgiveness and trespasssing and to St Anthony of course and St Werburgh who is most like me and St Berlinda of Meerbeke and of course St Paul since it hard to prey without mentioning him at all and we finish with the pope and all that but yesterday I say we need to pray for dear mr hump here since the childrens enjoy hearing about you.

Little Orphans Peppers say Oh Dear Sister Mary Margaret Katherine, would thine be so kind wherewithal that p'rhaps it cometh the time as is my turn to lead in great glory and such all our orphans in prayer for thy dear mr hump here?

Why of course I say and Little Peppers lead the nicest most kind prayer I may ever here for you and oh sweet baby jesus you could feel the blessings rain down upon us here at the orphanage and I have no doubts you could feel the blessing rain down uponst yourself as well I have no doubt for sure.

So I think our paryer work sweet mr hump here and ye just need faith. We have a day full of May Day wonderous celebrations as Farmer Jethro is bringin John Deere along with and we have a finely decorated Maypole that would please you tremedously I can safely declare and hopefully I not too tired after all the great fun we are sure to have this fine beutiful day to get you the monies in the morrow.

And now the lad makes the possibilities endless...

Quote:

MADAM LET ME APOLOGIZE AGAIN AND I ALSO THANK GOD FOR GIVEN YOU AND THE CHILDREN A SUCCESSFUL CELEBRATION AND I UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR TOO TIRED AND WILL TRY AND MAKE THE TRANSFER TOMORROW, AM GLADE TO HEAR THAT SO THAT I CAN FINALLY PROVE MY BOSS WRONG BECAUSE HE NEVER BELIEVED ANYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU, SO I CANT JUST WAIT TO PROVE HIM WRONG.. Ha ha ha ha!!!
MADAM YOU KNOW WHEN MY DADDY AND MOMMY PASSES ON AND I WAS TAKING TO THE ORPHANAGE ,THE ORPHANAGE IS BEEN OWN MY THE ANGELIC CHURCH HERE IN MY COUNTRY AND OUR SYSTEM HERE IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM YOURS, MOST OF THE THINGS THAT THE ORPHANAGE ENJOY IN YOUR COUNTRY WE DON'T HERE.ALL THEY DO IN THE ORPHANAGE THEN IS TO TEACH US THE DOCTRINE OF ANGELICA CHURCH AND BOTH THE SECONDARY SCHOOL AND PRIMARY SCHOOL IS IN THE SAME COMPOUND, SO READING TO THE CHILDREN WAS NOT PART OF US HERE.
NOW I WILL AND I WANT TO READ TO CHILDREN AND MAKE THEM HAPPY, MY VACATION DAYS ARE VERY CLOSE , I HAVE A FRIEND THAT HAVE A RECORDING STUDIO SO I HAVE INFORMED HIM THAT I WILL COME TO STUDIO FOR SOME PROJECT.

SO I WILL NEED YOU TO GIVE ME A GUILD LINE ON HOW TO RECORD FOR THE CHILDREN AND WHAT TO READ FOR THEM OK, JUST GIVE ME A CLUE ON IT AND I WILL DO MY BEST TO BRING SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOU. THANKS AND I WAIT FOR YOUR RESPONSE

So, fellow baiters, I ask what the lad shall read to my children? My first thought was Pinocchio. Any of the Dickens books on orphans (Oliver Twist or Great Expectations). Or the Judy Blume book "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" as it ties in with Sister Mary Margaret and I'd love to hear the lad read about a girl buying her first bra and getting her first period.

Or perhaps I'll offer the lad his choice of several.

Suggestions appreciated! Laughing

To be continued!

Posted: Wed May 03, 2017 3:30 am

William Faulkner comes to mind. William Shakespeare would work too.

Posted: Wed May 03, 2017 4:20 am

"Fifty Shades of Grey" and I'll buy you a membership on Eater Laughing

Posted: Wed May 03, 2017 5:46 am

I'm sure the orphans would be thrilled to hear Lady Chatterley's Lover.

Elite Baiter Joined: 28 Mar 2015 Posts: 1916

"War and Peace" is one of my favourites and it lasts a very long time, which the orphans would love. Very Happy

ETA

Posted: Wed May 03, 2017 12:53 pm

Infinite Jest

Posted: Wed May 03, 2017 12:58 pm

^^^^ YES!!

Posted: Wed May 03, 2017 2:05 pm

Thank you gentlemen, a number of these are on request.

Great minds think alike and I did think of Fifty Shades almost immediately. I had Miss Connie request that one and offer to pay extra so we'll see if he bites.

So I gave the lad a choice of four or five, he can waste his time browsing and let me know which one. My money is on the shortest one.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

I love this bait. Congrats on the piggie but don't let him get lonely. A suggestion for a book would be It Hurts when I Poop by Howard Bennett. It is a short potty training book that he could provide while he is getting the longer novel done. Given the fixation on cats your character has you could also try for a video of him reading The Cat in The Hat by Dr Seuss. That could be fun

Posted: Sat May 06, 2017 1:37 pm

Things continue to develop well. Almost too well.

Sister Mary starts. She's trying her best to get him his $650 + Eliot's quarter. But something always comes up. This time, it's storming. I'm trying to hide his money status in the middle of the emails to ensure he's reading the whole thing.

Quote:

Oh my dear mr hump here,

That is absolutely wonderful you would like to read to my orphans! They are so excited and please forgive me as I tell them that you might but I warn them that just in case mr hump here might not be able to since we don't want to overtake his entire vacation so as to not get their hopes up and all.

Do you mr hump here have the ability to record video pictures or just audio?? Let me know that and I can find an appropriate book for the orphans for you to read to them.

Oh this is just wonderful, we are so excited out here I have to tell you. My sincerest thanks and I try my best to get you the monies very soon as it storming like crazy tonight and thunder all around. We pray it be gone by the morn as the lightning frightens little Peppers the most but we had a wonderful day nonetheless.

Ahh, we're family.

Quote:

THANK YOU MADAM FOR YOUR QUICK RESPONSE,YOU KNOW THAT YOU PEOPLE, I MEAN YOU AND THE WHOLE ORPHANAGE AND ME, WE ALL ARE JUST LIKE A FAMILY NOW, AM SAYING THIS JUST TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION IF I CAN BE ABLE TO RECORD A VIDEO PICTURE OR JUST AUDIO,THIS MY FIRST TIME , SO I WILL SUGGEST THAT I START WITH AN AUDIO FIRST,WHEN I SUCCEEDED IN RECORDING SOMETHING NICE,THEN THE NEXT TIME I WILL INCLUDE VIDEO ON IT AT LEST BY THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN SURE OF IT ALL. AND ALSO I CAN EQUALLY INCLUDE A LOT OF CRAFT ON IT.SINCE WE ARE GOING TO REMAIN FAMILY FOREVER SO PLEASE FIND ME THE APPROPRIATE BOOK FOR THE ORPHANS FOR ME TO READ, AND PLEASE IF IT IS POSSIBLE IF YOU HAVE SOME AUDIO ON YOUR COMPUTER, PLEASE JUST SEND ONE FOR ME OK. SO THAT BY THE TIME I FINISH GOING THROUGH IT , I WILL UNDERSTAND MORE ABOUT THE READING,OK. I JUST WANT TO BRING SOMETHING GOOD FOR THE CHILDREN. AND SHOULD IN CASE THE WEATHER IS FEAR ENOUGH TO ALLOW YOU GO TO BANK, EMAIL ME ONCE YOUR THROUGH. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR SELF AND MY GREETINGS TO THE WHOLE LOVELY CHILDREN AS I LOOK FORWARD FOR YOUR REPLY

I actually do have a life and when I don't reply within 24 hours, he gets impatient.

Quote:

PLEASE MADAM TRY AND EMAIL ME. LET ME KNOW THE SITUATION OF THINGS. THANK YOU

And now, my book requests!

Quote:

Oh my sweet mr hump here,

I glad you rite. We had tremendous storms two night ago and the giant oak tree the one the children used to swing from fell and cut off our power for the day yesterday and it land rigt on the drive to the orphanage and there were no way in and no way out until Farmer Jethro come with his John Deere he name john deere and help move the mighty oak out of the way.

Farmer Jethro say they are a lot of trees down on the road into town but he say if he has enough time after cleaning up that he will come by and taketh me to the bank himselves which would be most polite don't you think?

So I will do as he say and be safe he says and wait right here for him to come.

I read that you have audio and the orphans would love to hear you read. I will try to attach, no wait, I send a link to a wonderful book the orphans have not had read to them yet. It be a longer one so you record as much as you possibly can and we play your audio and I read the parts that you may not have read and that way they have the whole book. Miss Connie says to send it mp3 format is best. I find the link....http://gutenberg.org/ebooks/500 [links to an ebook of Pinicchio]

I talk just now to sweet Peppers and she request from you any of the books of Shakespeare. Considering summer is coming soon, A Midsummer Nights Dream might be most appropriate? Or whichever one might be your favorite. You can find them all here -- http://shakespeare.mit.edu/

The teens request Lady Chatterly for I not know that one at all but I do a quick google - ah yes, here - http://www.gutenberg.net.au/ebooks01/0100181h.html

And Miss Connie request something called Fifty Shades which she say she would even pay you extra and I need to search for that one - ah maybe I can email you the file if you want that one. I look for it.

Let me know which ones you want to readed for us mr hump here, oh this is so exciting!

To spare my fellow baiters from his monstrous next email, he responded with an entire list of EVERY work of Shakespeare, every work of DH Lawrence (including Lady Chatterly), and of course, Fifty Shades and at the end asks,

Quote:

SO MADAM I WANT TO KNOW IF THIS IS THE BOOKS THAT AM GOING TO READ? [Seriously, is he considering reading all of them?]

And he also asked for a sample mp3.

I don't care what he reads, but Miss Connie is putting a premium on Fifty Shades. So I'm dangling some money out there.

Quote:

Oh mr hump here,

You so nice for wanting to help. You may read to us any of the books you want on the list. The ones we are most wanting is Pinocchio which is pretty short. Fifty Shades is what Miss Connie want and is willing to pay extra. The teens want Lady Chatterly, and the childrens want a Midsummer Nights Dream. To be honest I expect you to have time to read one but if you can do more that is nicest of you.

Now what we usually do is offer between $5 and $20 per page readed. $5 usually for new readers or short books, $20 is for video recordings. Most readers are kind enough to do the first one for free for the orphans but I understand if ye not able to do that. If a reader does a complete book we add an extra 30%. So that give you a good idea.

I know not how much time you have so I let you choose the book. Miss Connie offer an extra $2000 for her book Fifty Shades she sayeth. So I have to get a calculator but Pinocchio be somewhere around $1000 if you want to do soemthing short, and Miss Connie's Fifty Shades would be closer to $6000 or more I have to do the math.

I attach The Emporers New Clothes to give ye an example of a wonderful reading. It very good story.

Oh thank ye so very much mr hump here. I do anxious await your wonderful voice.

[Attached is a mp3 of The Emperor's New Clothes I found somewhere online.]

But wait, he's been so sidetracked, he forgot about the money the last few days.

Quote:

THANK YOU MADAM I THINK I UNDERSTAND NOW.ALSO I WANT TO KNOW, IF YOU HAVE HAD THE STRENGTH TO GO BACK TO THE BANK PLEASE TRY AND LET ME KNOW SO THAT I CAN LET MY BOSS KNOW THE SITUATION OF THINGS WITH YOU, BECAUSE THE WAY HE ASK ABOUT YOU THIS DAY,IS GOOD AM SUSPECTING THAT HE HAS CHANGE BECAUSE THIS DAYS , HE IS NICE TO EVERYBODY. SO LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE GONE TO THE BANK OR WHEN YOU WANT TO GO.THANK YOU. I WILL TRY MY BEST ON THE READING AND WILL EMAIL YOU SHOULD IN CASE I NEED ANY DIRECTION FURTHER MORE ON THE READING

Yes, Sister Mary is getting to it. Mostly I want to know what book(s) he is reading!

Quote:

Oh mr hump here,

I glad you boss being very nice to everybody. That tis what a good boss does as you politely know i'm sure. I still await Farmer Jethro to finish the town clean up and he say when he is done he will come by with john deere to take me into town. I hope that not too much longer.

I hope you able to decide which book or more you would like to read?

We're inching closer. He's canceled his vacation and has actually put money down for a recording studio next week!

Quote:

THAT IS OK MADAM I WILL LET OUR BOSS NOW THAT AND I HAVE CALLED MY FRIEND THAT HAVE A STUDIO AFTER LISTENING TO THE AUDIO THAT YOU SEND, AND AM SURE THAT I CAN BRING SOMETHING NICE TO YOU . THE GOOD NEWS IS I AM GOING TO PAID MY FRIEND FOR HIS STUDIO TIME THIS EVENING . AND I WILL PAY HIM FOR A VERY LONG TIME SPACE IN THE STUDIO SO. I WILL NOT TELL YOU THAT A GOING TO READ JUST THIS PARTICULAR ONE, NO BUT I WILL MAKE SURE THAT I USE THE STUDIO TIME TO RECORD A LOT OF NICE THINGS BASE ON THE YOUR CHOICE AND THAT OF CHILDREN AND BEAUTIFUL MISS CONNIE OK. THE ONLY REASON WHILE I DON'T WANT TO GO ON MY VACATION NOW IS BECAUSE MY ASSISTANT CAN NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE YOUR PROJECT ON MY BEHALF SO I MUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR CHEQUE MUST HAVE BEEN SEND TO YOU AFTER YOU HAVE MAKE THE TRANSFER, SO BY THE GRACE OF ALMIGHTY GOD IF THE TRANSFER IS DONE ON TIME, I WILL SIGN MY VACATION PAPER AND BY SATURDAY NEXT WEEK, I WILL BE IN THE STUDIO FOR THE READING RECORDING AND SO ON TILL AM THROUGH.THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE TRUST AND MY GREETINGS TO EVERYBODY. AND ALSO DON'T FORGET TO KEEP ME UPDATED

Sister Mary finally sends the money. Or does she? I don't know. Hard to tell.

Quote:

Oh dear mr hump here,

Oh what a wonderful days it has been here if I may declare. Spring is springing and everything goes so well at the orphanage. Little Timmy recovering well from his fall and he be okay now and Orphan Nelson and Orphan Penelope beist so happy in the springtime.

Farmer Jethro come by on john deere finally after cleaning up the town and oh what a wonderful job he did if I dare may say so myself mr hump here. He take me to the Beaver bank and I meet with bank manager Bebbanburg and he take all my paperwork and I show him all you emails to me and he say jolly good it beist all in orders and such and indeed I shall proceed furtherance with thy transactions and whatnot and all goeth well but they may be a slight delays since it be international and all.

So I hopes that put you at ease mr hump here!

I do hope you resting you voice so it be top notch when you record for us. I certainly do anxious await to hear what you have awaiting for us!

As usual, Orphan Eliot wave hello.

So I've got to keep him going until next Saturday. I'm thinking the bank transfer might finally go through to give him some motivation, but perhaps Sister Mary didn't do it quite right. It's going to take a while to figure out what happened.

More to come...

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