Safari for the dead

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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 9:30 am

To catch up on the back story...
https://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=274039&highlight=

3 days. 1407 km. And unlimited lad pain. Priceless.
Kenya parks 3,500/=
Car hire 9,000/=
Driver 6,000/=
Lodging 7,100
Meals 11,000 + bottled drinks
Bar tab 22,000
Taxi 8,000
Prostitute 0/=
64,600/= 646.00 usd, appx.

Most expats use the same services, so when (Andy) decided to go on his little trip in memory of the late Plinkie Pie, I gave him a list of a dozen car hire guys to choose from. He started off Wednesday at an African 8am (noon) from Nairobi to Juja in an Uber. 3k for a 30 minute drive. His driver picked him up in Juja and they headed off to Meru with the understanding that there would be no night driving.

Equatorial nightfall is about 6:30pm, and at 6, they were at Riverbank Lodge near Meru, eating the local cuisine. For a small boi, Andy has some refined tastes in food and *nothing* suits him. Ever. Kinyeji chicken (the local breed) has a wild, gamy taste and a texture something like car tyre. The driver later informed me that his dog loved it, as Andy took one bite and pronounced it inedible. Caloric intake 0. One cup of boiled water and a sachet of instant coffee. Dinner for 2, appx 2k kes ($20)

^^^Fixed image link - bware419ers

Andy then decided he wanted to go clubbing. In Meru. For a lad accustomed to Lagos and Nairobi nightlife, Meru promised to be an experience. And Meru delivered - in spades. An sms appears on my phone near 2am

Quote:

Music is good, but client not happy. Prostitute has insulted him and the 500/= price isn't what he expected. Says 9robi gals get 3k. Says his xapa sucked n da bar does too. 22k - he likes too spend

I reply...

Quote:

as long as he's paying u.... avoid the ho. Ur wife would b pissed.

They returned to the hotel (3,500 kes) at 5am, and continued the journey around 8. My phone remains quiet.

Park entry for two - plus the car -1,900 kes (appx. $19). My phone buzzes.

Quote:

your friend is a pussy. Cape Buffs with babies crossing road at park entrance, he is putting windows up n trying to take video at same time

Half an hour later.

Quote:

theres no way Plnk would come here. She was mad. And nothing under the stones

From the driver...

Quote:

car stalled. Won't start. Windows up and he insisted even mine. Lions haha. He can't drive a standard, so he is pushing. And scared to death. Where do you find these people? .

Andy weighs maybe 90 pounds dripping wet. The driver goes about 180. Andy had to push the car, all the while worrying about being Simbas next meal. Unfortunately, he looks quite pleased in his FB post. The comments are most telling. His fellow Ogas are stunned.

The empty cache not withstanding, the safari proceeds. As a bonus to keep the client happy, the daily meal is at Kongoni lodge in Nanyuki. Surely laddy can't find fault with a world-class restaurant. Except that business is booming, which means service at the outside tables sucks. Again, he tries the chicken. 8400 kes later, Andy asks the driver to do a little night driving, as Naivasha is so far... and his introduction to Kenyan roads has been most enlightening...

Quote:

6 hour drive = 9 or 10. This place sucks.

Quote:

stopped. Nyahururu. He is angry and sleepy. Took the key and went up without even setting time kesho. 3600/= 4 da nite.

Around noon the following day, they arrive at the final destination. The road takes them past "Heavens Gate" - and appropriately enough "Hells Gate" - a sign that pentecostal ministers son Andy looks at for a looonnngg time.

The smile before the tears, as the Naivasha rock is also a dead end. Apparently somebody found the treasure in the 4 months it took Andy to make the trip. (7 months as he sees it.)

My phone rang about 1pm. The call recorder s**t the bed, and isn't that always the way. First, I hear Anderson asking if he could possibly be in the wrong place. Then a mini rant about Plnk being out of her mind. Then a sigh... and a pause. Then screaming DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE. And a dead line.

Truly a wonderful way to end his day. Drive drive drive indeed.

Another 1600k in Park fees, and 5k taxi to Nairobi. So over 500 US spent... 3 days in the bush... and a final message from Andy....

Quote:

Thanks dear you the best.... Stay easy and blessed

And a final message from the driver...

Quote:

He 4got his receipts. Do you want them? Dat big male buffalo we saw before we left damn near made him shit his pants. Close enough to touch. Tenx 4 da referral. Buffalo was a good laugh.

You're most welcome, Andy. Your safari was my pleasure. Unfortunately, Andy is now outside of eaters purview. But 4 years and Sunshine's awesome script for Dai Teatime and his assassin's certificate finally comes to an end... maybe.

ETA: Links and if anybody can figure out whats wrong with the couple of photos, PM me please. Posting from mobile is a special kind of hell that should be reserved for lads.

Baiting Guru Joined: 10 Oct 2010 Posts: 3877

great safari, congratulations. I'll have a look at the pictures.

is there a way to inform sunshine, that his pet is still hooked to all that crap?

Wink

EDIT:

your image-links are wrong.

your link: http://www.scamwarners.com/main/image.php?type=2&user=MzunguTheHuntress&image=20160715_193441-1_r.jpg

the supposed link: http://www.scamwarners.com/main/fx_images/MzunguTheHuntress_20160715_193441-1_r.jpg

change this part "image.php?type=2&user=MzunguTheHuntress&image=" to "fx_images/MzunguTheHuntress_"

this should fix everything (doable via search and replace, not sure if that works on a smartphone).

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:43 am

Quote:

is there a way to inform sunshine, that his pet is still hooked to all that crap?

Aside from PM? ... I'm sure somebody has Sunshines contacts.

Thanks for the info, Robert. Will try to edit. I closed 2 browsers accidentally while flipping back and forth for that post. Srsly, mobile is torture.

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 11:54 am

Quote:

u dey on some natgeowild shit

hahahahhaaaaa Wow. Brilliant as always MuzunguTheHuntress!

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 11:59 am

Sunshine is around. Just drop him a pm Smile

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:32 pm

Image fixed. Lions and chickens, and buffaloes, oh my! Nice pain!

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 1:15 pm

Warmest congratulations, MTH! This is an awesome safari.
Too bad though he didn't get his fair share of what mating season had to offer.

Again, congratulations!
clapping

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 2:45 pm

Thanks bware and MG. He is trying to move, and spent his deposit money plus some on this. Right now he's in a 6th floor walk-up with a faulty hot water heater. I see cold basin showers and more exercise in his future. Also, his c-panel no longer works and if he ever manages to fix that, his logs are headed to the ether. Our lad is truly screwed. It has been such a delicious pleasure Wink