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Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 11:16 am

This quote isn't exactly new - but I still like it. Wink

It's from the initial chat with one of my very special lads, Schmuck/Al-abgari.

Quote:

Al-abgari: i am really surfering since the war

me: Yeah, me too, oil prices has sky rocketed, and I can't go to town because it is too expensive.

Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 12:38 pm

Small boi foooooool wouldn't stop sending the basic WU details plus send me the MTCN letter, so I supplied some info:

Quote:

Receiver Name................ A. Total Fuckwit
Country.............Benin Republic
City...............Cotonuo
Text Question.........How Big Is My Penis
Answer...........Tiny
Amount..........$.40usd

Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 7:17 pm

I have a Vlad that sticks to script like his life depends on it, so I sent him a section from my vacuum cleaner manual yesterday ;

Quote:

Keep the cord away from heated surfaces. Do not handle the plug or vacuum cleaner with wet hands. Do not use outdoors or on wet surfaces. Do not put any objects into openings. Do not use with any openings blocked and do not restrict airflow. Keep all openings free of dust, lint, hair or anything that might reduce airflow. Keep hair, loose clothing, fingers and all parts of the body away from openings and moving parts. Do not pick up hot coals, cigarette butts, matches or any hot, smoking or burning objects. Do not pick up flammable or combustible materials (lighter fluid, petrol, kerosene etc.)

Todays reply ;

Quote:

Hello dear !
I feel very excited our correspondence continues!
Thank you a lot for your letter. . . . . .

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

This one is rather humorous only if you are familiar with Broadway musicals and/or movie musicals.

Quote:

Who am I?

My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope, when hope was gone
He game me strength to journey on

Who am I? I'm Gene Valjean.

Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 2:01 pm

After ScriptVlads positively romantic reponse to my vacuum cleaner manual yesterday, I followed it up with an excerpt from the Health & Safety at Work Act . . .

Quote:

All gas cylinders should be fitted with appropriate regulators and pressure gauges. Regulators for fuel gases and oxygen are designed to be non-interchangeable. Regulators for acetylene and propane are marked with details of the duties for which they are suitable. Acetylene and propane and regulators should not be interchanged.

Todays reply . . .

Quote:

My sweet ! , hi again!!! You can't imagine how happy I am when i
get a letter . . . .

(Yeah, Government legislation gets me all romantic too !)

Rolling Eyes

Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 4:09 pm

To a lad trying to buy diffraction grates:

Quote:

I will get around to this, but a customer asked me to make a large number of bezels for interocitors, and my machines are running full tilt, so it will take me a few days. Meanwhile, what type, size, and ruling spacing of grates would you like? Would you like them blazoned; if so, with what blazon angle or for what wavelength? I need at least the type and size to compute the price.

Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:17 pm

Cammy got a message from the British High Commission about her Visa Card with an alternate address to contact. The sender included a photo of "herself" that wasn't exactly... flattering.

So Cammy, being a devout Freyjan who is supposed to associate only with beautiful people, wrote:

Quote:

I was going to ask Ms Nibbs for an explanation, but since she's so ugly I'll have to ask you to clear things up; please explain then.

Baiting Guru Joined: 28 Feb 2013 Posts: 3152

To Chinese lotto lad on why I need a third piggy from him Very Happy

Quote:

I regret to tell you that I spent all day yesterday at my bank. It seems that their head office declined to send the funds because I'm sending your payment to a Communist country! Now I am being investigated as a possible Communist! Ridiculous I know, but I wonder if their is an account not in China I can send the money too?

Baiting Guru Joined: 28 Feb 2013 Posts: 3152

Lotto lad bank protecting piggy

Quote:

Listen Mr, you have to follow our own procedures okay?? just like other 19 Evil or Very Mad

lucky winners did as well.. we don't know why you keep taking us for granted here or do you think you are the only winner which the honorable Facebook company re fair to us for a bank transfer?? we have told you it is against the rules, you can't make a transfer because this is not a personal transaction, so proceed with the Money Gram in sending the fee okay?

Bit annoyed I replied

Quote:

Sir,

Please do not take that tone with me. I am being civil, the least you can do is be same. I have no problem paying the fee, what I do have a problem with is the way you wish it to be paid. You are a bank. Therefore I would assume you have a bank account I could pay your fee into. Please stop me if I'm confusing you. Therefore you send me the account details and I put money from my account into yours and I can collect my winnings. Simple isn't it? Then we are all happy.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

I got tired of my lad sending me pictures of "herself" taken from a modeling website

My child I do have a request of you though. Please stop sending me pictures that you have taken off of a modeling website. I know these pictures are not of you. My child, I understand that you have been through quiet a bit of pain, and I will help you and love you no matter how ugly you are. Do you understand? Remember that God has a plan for all of us, and in the end we all get what we deserve. So, my child, no more lying to me about how you look. I understand that the time spent in the refugee camp has probably ravished your appearance, and you do not need to make me think you are a model. It does not matter to me, as I think you are as strong beautiful woman no matter how ugly you really are.[/i]

Posted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:41 pm

Scathingly making the lad feel inferior, Daniel wrote:

Joel,

You are like rose that revealed its thorns and as you pricked my finger so then you became a prick yourself. You are such a little incompetent, unprofessional, disgusting fecal infant who could not find his way out of the toilet. You are pathetically eucalyptical and nobody really can be around you for more than a couple seconds because you act like you are about to erupt a bloody mess everywhere. Doing business with you is like throwing goats at skyscrapers. It's awful either way you look at it. You act like a small child throwing a tantrum because they did not get the thing that they asked Santa to bring to them. You are talk and no follow through.

If this keeps up I will find a business man more suited for the job then you would ever dream to be. I will be paying him €50,000 per day and he is more willing to get the job done right. My investment and contract with you has been terminated. I have a serious problem with you and your stupidity that seems to be growing like boner. You just don't know when to stop until you burst. So why the fuck should I even consider a bastard child like you to even consider being an international business partner. And to think that I was about to sponsor you a visa to Los Angeles, California but luckily I have moved back to Belgium cutting off my loose ends, including you. Or better yet, there is a cat that can do your job for much cheaper more efficiency than you'll ever have. You're just a little toy waiting to be crushed by a trash compactor.

By the way, do me a favour, go fuck yourself royally and in the ass!

Your best-friend,

Daniel Tosser

I remember laughing so hard after writing this but he was so much fun to "intellectually" slap, I couldn't help it.

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

Just because I felt like it one of my galpals got this.

I think I must just come right out and admit it. I think your pillow and I may have had unprotected sex, maybe even without her permission. If I start seeing little throw pillows around the house I am in trouble. Please don't be mad, I don't love her!

Posted: Sun May 12, 2013 11:28 pm

Chief Hon Mohamed Fisher is so worried about Cammy getting the money she's owed, but Cammy has another concern:

Quote:

Oh, and I'd like to suggest that you shave off that porn star moustache.

Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 1:00 am

Hot off the Presses:

Raven:

Quote:

can you send the western union today

TruckerMals:

Quote:

I can't go out now cause I got a Bun in the Oven.

Posted: Tue May 21, 2013 9:09 am

Even though Peter Ofori, the General Managing Director, of International Commercial Bank PLC of Ghana, wants to give Cammy $5.7 million, she has her standards.

Quote:

Thanx for writing, but could you get someone else to handle this? You are really very homely and Freyja says that I should only associate with beautiful people.

Posted: Fri May 24, 2013 3:27 am

I got this:

Quote:

Din brevlåda har överskridit det lagringsutrymme som anges av administratören och du kommer inte att kunna ta emot nya meddelanden förrän du återaktiverar den. Att validera -> Kopiera eller klicka här http://www.phisingsiteredacted.com

But I don't speak Swedish, so I wrote this back:

Quote:

Sorry, I don't speak foreign. Have a great day!

Translated it's a phishing scam. I apparently have used up all my email storage space and need to re-enable my email account through the address provided.

Posted: Fri May 24, 2013 7:07 am

Quote:

Dear Lad,

My name is not
I am not changing your name either and if this is important deal you have to keep my name 100% correct OK?!

Best regards,

Posted: Sun May 26, 2013 1:50 pm

Cammy has been more than slightly surly with Bob Mueller and a WU guy:

Quote:

I don't give a fuck what your government and the fucking IMF have signed, stamped and wiped their asses with. Mueller owes me that DIST and I want it before anything else.

Quote:

Nicu told me that B0laji has the brains of a retarded turnip. Be grateful he never spoke to you.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 30 Mar 2012 Posts: 949

Lad sent me an email with the subject line of "Honorable Beneficiary, Are You Alive?"

To which I had to reply:

Quote:

[lad],

I regret to inform you that I died on March 27, 2013. As a result I
have little use for worldly riches. However, my living relatives may
wish to have some of the money. If you'd like, I can serve as an
intermediary and make sure the money goes to the proper recipients.

Eternally yours,
The Ghost of [me]

Posted: Wed May 29, 2013 9:14 pm

On being told to send money to "Ani Peter" in Benin, Cammy got surly:

Quote:

I'm not going to send a fucking cent to Anal Peters and that's all that counts.

Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:44 pm

I've had this lad sending me a version of the old widow who wants to give away her riches before she dies scam every single day for week. Since he's going to be an eager little lad, I decided to send him a wall o' text about my own family dramas just to see what happens.

Quote:

Good day. How are you doing? You know, I have some of my own problems. My dad just died. He was a really rich man, too. He was the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Unfortunately he invested all his money in some shithole country in the middle of fucking nowhere it's now all tied up with corrupt bureaucrats who want a piece of the $200 million he's left me and my brother. My brother's too busy being all seriously depressed and cutting himself to bother with trying to get back our trunks full of money that are sitting there just waiting for the bureaucrats to crack open. And Mom? Well, she had an affair with the pool boy, so Dad cut her out of the will and divorced her. She's happily living life as the pampered sex slave of some Wall Street mogul. She loved her comfortable lifestyle more than the pool boy. He just couldn't make enough money to keep her happy. It's too bad because he was pretty cute and good in bed. I had sex with him a couple of times. Well worth it. Believe me. I think my cousin did, too, and God knows she's an absolute skank, so I guess I couldn't do that anymore without possibly catching a case of crabs or worse. She wants some of my dad's money and thinks if she hires all kinds of expensive lawyers she can get her dirty little mitts on it. Sorry, bitch, but you're not a direct descendant and it's not my fault your father cut you out of his will!!! She just needs to go crawling back to him and beg his forgiveness if she wants some inheritance. But she won't because she's one of those kind of people who think they're never wrong. Damn my family's soooo dysfunctional, huh?

Anyway, I digress. Right now I'm looking for someone to smuggle the money out of that godforsaken country it's sitting in by posing at a low level government official or a barrister or something important enough nobody will ask questions when they give orders, but won't really notice them too much and realize they shouldn't be there, either. Then they need to get the money on a plane to England where I can go get it. The problem is nobody wants to do it for one tenth of one percent of the money they're smuggling out. That's still a nice chunk of change, but people nowadays are greedy and why should I give up a lot my hard-earned money because someone does me a tiny, little favor? Honestly! People just disgust me anymore!

Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you have something to tell me? Something about getting a trunk out of England and running away with your Nigerian lover? Sounds stupid, but hey, that's your life, not mine. Anyway, how can I help?

Kisses,
[Me]

Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2013 12:29 am

^Love it! Lets see what I can stir up....

Lad says:

Quote:

I am contacting you because I am looking for a partner...

Yeah there were a few hundred more words but that's all I saw:

Quote:

Hi Perry,

This sounds Fabulous! You're the second Man today who has contacted me with this exciting offer and all I can say is Wow!!!! I can't believe how popular I have become since joining Men Looking for Bears. Yes I am willing to to be your Partner so that we can realize our Dream; Pure Unadulterated Man Love! GRRRRR!!!!!

Grease me up, take me to a George Michael Concert and I'm yours Cowboy!

John

PS - Can I call you PerriWinkle?

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2012 Posts: 5380

My character (the Rev) was holding a fundraiser for a hitlad who asked for forgiveness. I informed him I took the $83,419.00 and left for vegas. He asked:

Quote:

what the hell is going on with you Rev..how do i get the money here
now why did you run away with the money ...?where is the money now!!!

The Rev replied:

Quote:

It's on Black! Have you ever played roulette?
I won $23,000.00!!!!
I told you I was a good gambler!
Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except crabs. Remember that my son.
Wednesday my son, Wednesday is Western Union Day!
test question: who's your daddy?
test answer: not this guy!

and when the hitlad got real mad, the Rev sent

Quote:

Don't spoil my fun. These chicks here know how to treat me.
Hey, have you ever worn a ball gag?
You must try it one day, trust me son.

Let me leave you with one last life tip, always have a safe word.

THE EAGLE HAS VOMITED

viva las vegas!

Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2013 1:21 am

Quote:

I have sent your several emails over the past month and have not heard back from you and when I do I have to check my spam box to make sure it did not end up there. Since it did, it made me wonder: Have you received any of my emails?

Please tell me you did because I absolutely despise repeating myself.

Anyway, the weather has been quite lovely lately. I even went to a public bath just to cool off! It gets awfully humid here in Japan so I'm always wet even when I just got out of the shower! Since it is summer there's all sorts of horror TV dramas on right now so that we can cool ourselves down by getting scared shitless. Horror movies here are quite demented and I would rather spend my time looking at hardcore pornos than having severe night terrors for the entire summer. No thanks!

I just finished a cup of outrageously delicious Matcha tea and a hearty breakfast of steamed rice, natto, umeboshi, broiled salted salmon, and of course no breakfast would be complete without orgasming pickles.

Have a lovely day,

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:58 pm

^Okay I'm not going to try to compete with that one!

Lad:

Quote:

Please confirm that you have receive details of your bequeathed fund. If not, details will be provided to you. Be advise to add our address to your address book for better communication.

Regards,
Darryl McDonough
Clayton Utz Law Firm

Mals:

Quote:

Mr. McDonut,

I McThank you for the McMessage.

McMilburn

Edit a wee bit of spelling.

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