Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:50 pm

He was loving it,.....
....
with a big smile on his face,..........
as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards....

back and forth...

back and forth...

in and out...

in and out...

Her heart was beating faster, her face was getting flush & she started to groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this f**king car! Why don't you do it, you smug b**tard!!!"...

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:51 pm

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

http://imgur.com/ZXKui

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Nerd porn.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIkqqVr_u9U&feature=youtu.be

Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 4:09 pm

Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

"My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful. How much does he send you?" the priest asked. "He sends me $2,000 a week," she replied proudly.

"Your son is very successful," said the priest. "What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," the priest assured her.

"Where does he practice?"

"Well, she replied, "he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans."

Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 4:11 pm

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on a*s."

Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 4:28 am

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing,
I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what
are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!"

Laughing

Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2012 7:57 am

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not from the shore of a lake. The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore, then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.
The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.
The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."

Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 1:15 pm

One of my favourite old jokes:

A Swedish tourist in the UK goes into a shop and asks in his delightful sing-song Swedish accent:

"Excuse me please but are you having any deodorant to sell?"
"Sure", the shopkeeper says, "Ball or aerosol?"
The swede thinks awhile and then replies
"Neither. It is for my armpits."

Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:52 pm

It is one of my favourites too. I told it to a Swedish friend a few years ago (in my bestest Swedish accent?) and he said... "Very funny, but you sounded Norwegian" Very Happy

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:26 am

A couple had been married for 60 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird sixty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were sixty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:02 pm

Old one, not sure if this has been shared....but..:

A newlywed couple on their wedding night:

The man starts undressing, takes his pants and throws them at his new little wife.

He says, “Here, put these on Sweetie.”

She slips them on and they nearly come up to her neck.

She says, “I can’t wear these Honey, they are just too big.”

He replies: “Well then Sweetie, just remember who wears the pants in this family.”

So, she starts taking off her clothes… and throws her panties to him.

“Here, put these on Honey.”, She says.

He tries and tries, but can only get one leg through.

He say, “Sorry Sweetie, I can’t get into them.”

She replies, “And you never will, unless you change your thinking.”

Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2012 9:02 am

There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."
No, God will save me!" he said
Eventually he drowned.
He got to the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2012 6:57 pm

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

The husband, knowing how to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding, "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:57 am

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:59 am

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penls on the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does as the doctor says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!

Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:53 am

A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

Laughing

Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:22 am

Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women's clothes

store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see 'what's what.'

"So where are you?" she angrily asks Moishe. "I thought we were shopping together."

"Don't get broyges, darling," replies Moishe. "Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last

year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one

day?"

"Yes, of course I do, darling" replies Rachel excitedly. "Why do you ask?"

"Well I'm in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream."

Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:06 am

I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "a folding bottle".
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have."
"I have also invented a folding carton."
Again she said, "what do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was sort of upset by her comment, so I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:08 am

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,--- 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:12 am

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 12:48 pm

Here's a thought for you .........

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says:

"Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut ?

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Silly, sophomoric and juvenile but this made me cry...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlSF0dtDRD8&feature=youtu.be

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 2:12 pm

^^ nice dubbing, for sure, PF! Laughing

Scroll down the page to the video. Hilarious. Laughing

http://www.squidoo.com/top_ten_honey_badger_tshirts

Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:33 pm

Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

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