HELL SAFARI – Edo State, Nigeria - Ghana, Benin & Kano

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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:06 am

His phone clasped to his ear, Alex scowled in concentration and stared at the wall. He could hardly believe Salami’s audacity! This was the b*st*rd who had put him through 2 weeks of living hell in Parakou. This was the man who – after his dreadful 400 mile, 12 hour bus trip to Kano – chopped his consignment and left him to limp home empty-handed once again. Now, WHAT was Salami proposing to him?

”So talk to me about the money you took from me in Parakou.....what have you done with the money?”

“You know what? Your family is a bastards and AllStar also is a bastards. Don’t you ever call this number again. You hear me? To hell with you and to hell with your family”

Dear Readers,

As you will recall, Kelvin has consistently refused to travel to Abuja to collect his $5000 USD compensation. Step in our old friend Mr Salami, who rings Kelvin with a ‘business proposition’.

Much mentioned in this call is the mysterious ‘Randy Number One’. Longer-term Readers will recall that he is the Lagos Oga who has been a hideous thorn in Kelvin’s side ever since he started to scam the Monsignor in UK. Randy 001 has chopped Western Union and MoneyGram payments, harked the Monsignor’s e.mail accounts, intercepted mail to Kelvin and contacted the AllStar Mail Managers in Ghana and Benin to make arrangements to spilt Kelvin’s consignments with them. Kelvin hates Randy 001 as much as he hates Salami.

What aren’t posted here are 2 brief calls made by Salami to Kelvin shortly before the main call, which is posted below. In the first, Kelvin refused to speak with Salami, unless he disclosed his Caller ID. So, Salami duly obliged and rang Kelvin back from a Ghana mobile number (!). The call quality was so bad, that Salami tried again. The below call is the end result. The call quality is poor and a couple of hours have been spent this evening, editing and improving Kelvin’s voice as much as possible.

We have to thank Dr Mike for making the call. It’s an absolute cracker.

Enjoy it!

Sa1ami to Ke1vin 25 Jan 12 - Final Edit.mp3

Alex turned his phone off and in utter frustration and anger, kicked a hole in his bedroom door.

The next morning, he was greeted by a (ahem) ‘conciliatory’ e.mail from good old Salami:

Quote:

Hello Kelvin,

Why did you get angry and insult my family? I thought you were a business man.

Man, I have so much f****in’ trouble over your case. First AllStar suspend me from duty in Tourou on no pay, and then they sack me in Kano. Brian Stalin came to my home late last year, looking for me. I hid while my wife told him she hadn’t seen me for 2 weeks. Then, that bastard Shyster got the Benin Police looking for me. These AllStar bastards chased me out of my own country.

I live in Accra now with Eric Sanda. The Ghana Police don’t care about what I did in Benin and Nigeria.

I sometimes work for Randy 001 now. You know him; he has chopped all of your consignments. He is a very clever Lagos Oga and has many guymen working for him.

My friend Mr Orji updates me on Attar and the cash. I have twice now rung Steve, offering him a share of your $5000 USD cash if he lets Randy collect it with a fake copy of your Driving Licence. Both times, Attar told me to go to hell, and hung up on me. Randy says Attar must be “the only honest man in Nigeria”. AllStar put Attar in Kano because he is both an African (chocolatey colour skin) and he is also a Muslim. A white Christian would not last one month in Kano before Boko Haram got him, so the company want to move Attar back to Kano.

Orji tells me that Brian Stalin hates Djougou and wants the job in Abuja. Stalin has also been working in Cameroon and hates it there as well. Attar really wants to stay in Abuja and is desperate for you to collect the cash. No way will Shyster use Western Union or bank transfer to US.

Man, you must be f***in’ mad not to collect this money. $5000 dollars is a fortune! Orji knows Steve has it locked in Ogbonna's safe.

Look here Kelvin, if you don’t want the cash, let Randy collect it. We will give you 25%. 25% of $5000 USD is much better than 100% of Zero USD.

Let me know ASAP.

Your old comrade,

Pierre

Kelvin Ducks and Dives...

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:07 am

Ahh, the leeting...Good read, other than that. Keep going! This is getting good!

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:12 am

Kariko wrote:

Keep going! This is getting good!

Most encouraging. Thanks.

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:52 am

It is so nice to see him in constant turmoil. Laughing

Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2012 8:53 am

TM...just when I think kelvin is done with his pain...you show up and stab him with a needle right in the F'n eye...excellent

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 14 Oct 2011 Posts: 18

Nice tack in making him feel as though pierre has suffered greatly for his actions. It creates some sort of imaginary leverage in the scamster's mind, which may lull him into a false sense of security. Maybe you still have a shot at taking him on another guided tour. Wink

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 12:23 am

Alex was drinking beer and smoking Indian Hemp. He had a wad of Naira in his jeans and was out in a Hotel Bar for a rowdy Friday evening with his friends. Then, his phone rang. He could hardly believe his ears when Salami’s voice came out of the speaker again...

”Yeah...Yeah...Yeah...Yeah...I’m a Scammer. That’s what job I did in Nigeria to sustain my education. I have many, many clients...I’m a big boy.”

“The time I wasted...2 weeks I wasted in Parakou was just a time I wasted because I supposed to use that 2 weeks to bomb (send mass e.mails) and get more clients...because I’m a Loan Lender. I’m a Loan Lender”.

”Mr Salami...do you remember the place in The Bible that says ‘One good turn deserve another’?”

”Yah! You need my help right now to get the money. I was right there in Benin Republic, in Parakou for that matter, seeking your help to come and hand over my consignment so I can get the f***ing Hell out of your country. You defeated me.”

“OK. So, just on one condition, I will do this for you. I want to SUCK your wife p*ssy”.

Dear Readers,

Salami decides to try again with Kelvin. His $5000 compensation is still in Steve Attar’s safe in Abuja. If Kelvin won’t collect it, Salami’s friend the Lagos Oga Randy Number One will. All Kelvin has to do is phone Shyster and say that he is going to Abuja to pick it up, and Randy Number One will go in his place. Attar won’t know that Randy Number One isn’t Kelvin. Kelvin gets 50% and Salami and Randy Number One get 50%.

Salami finds Kelvin confident, relaxed, indifferent, in company of his friends, and – so he says – wealthy. This time, Kelvin is in control!

Enjoy!

NOTE: Kelvin is drunk and smoking Indian Hemp. This call is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!
http://www.4shared.com/mp3/XmF2k76H/Salami_to_Kelvin_Fri_3_Feb_12_.html
NOTE: This call is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Kelvin Ducks Again...

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 12:51 am

Another great moment in this saga. Fingers xed for Abuja.

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 4:40 am

he really wants your wife...gues those dudes in the background weren't good enough

Not quite a Newb Joined: 15 Oct 2011 Posts: 47

Holy Cracker of a call! Shocked

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 2:50 pm

Perhaps the congolesian cannibal can persuade him that he urgently need to leave his (un)safe home town for a short (hehe) business trip to Abuja and other pastoral places closer and closer to Boko Haram Hell territory in a series of falling degree of excellence?

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 7:53 pm

He wanted nothing to do with the money! I guess greed has its limits, even for lads. Surprised

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 8:08 pm

^^^ I have spent some time analysing Kelvin’s attitude and behaviour. I conclude that if Kelvin believed that he would indeed return from Abuja with a fortune of $5000 USD in his pocket, there would be friction marks under his feet. He has had 3 searing experiences at the hands of AllScam and understandably is highly suspicious of the company and its staff, present and past.

Nonetheless, a plan is being hatched...

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:20 pm

More whip and less carrot at this time is what I'd say. Our dear lad can't just sit and die of old age in the village now. Young men need adventure and danger! High time for a new walkabout for the laddie. There are deserts and dungeons to explore yet.

Besides, the cannibal is my favourite character in this soap opera. And he has a new rifle now too.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 07 Feb 2012 Posts: 23

This is such an awesome thread. I can't wait for my first lad safari. Laughing

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 01 Sep 2013 Posts: 4

Wow. Just Wow!! It has taken me nearly 2 days to sift through this entire thread, and I must say, it has been a cracker of a read. One of the most entertaining things I have honestly ever read. I have signed up specifically because of this safari ( Hi all btw Smile

). Thanks a lot Monsignor, and to everyone else involved with this, it was epic!! Laughing

I see the last reply to this was a year and a half ago, but in your last reply TM you stated that you were in the process of hatching a new plan. I take it that nothing came to fruition? Pity Sad

Posted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 4:51 pm

This is really an amazing safari and a well earned golden pith. And i am sure that The Monsignor is delighted that you enjoyed it.
You should however be aware of the Eater rules. We do not "necro" old threads, older than a few months. If you want to reply to a thread as old as this you should instead write a new post and refer to the old thread with a link.

Posted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 7:07 pm

Hello BlackMagic and thanks for your comments. The Hell Safari is something I'll never forget. Dr Mike is right, of course, but since you have asked for an update on Alex Kelvin, here it is:

I have kept in occasional touch with him and I do have a plan. I am waiting the return to baiting of a pal, when I intend to try again to Safari Mr Kelvin to Abuja. This time, I'll have a certain Hotel Group at my disposal: http://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=215331

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 01 Sep 2013 Posts: 4

Thanks for the welcome guys, appreciated. Ah okay, I wasn't aware of that rule Dr M, but will remember it for next time, thanks Smile

Great to hear that you are still in contact with Kelvin TM, thanks for the update, and will check out the link you have posted. With being new here, there is soooo much on the forum for me yet to discover, but I must say, I'm having a hell of a time, and learning a lot as well. Cheers guys!

Posted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 5:28 pm

Just in case, I'm locking this one.

TM- thanks for the update

Posted: Tue Dec 23, 2014 9:01 pm

Moved here for a bit at TM's request.

Posted: Tue Dec 23, 2014 9:05 pm

Thanks BW.

For info of all: Further to this Thread: https://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=259132 I offered to remove all of the leeting from the Hell Safari. BW will then move this back to Eater's Greatest Hits and lock it again.

NB: Four hours of work and it is done. I have tried to find and change all of my leeting. I also found that 4 links to audio didn’t work, so those 4 tracks have been deleted in 4Shared and uploaded again. All of the audio links are working.

Now over 3 years on, I hope that people continue to enjoy the Hell Safari! Cool

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