Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2011 8:40 am

Baiting Guru Joined: 11 May 2004 Posts: 2163

Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 7:29 am

Some funny local newspaper headlines on slow news days:

Quote:

FACTORY CREATES FOUR JOBS (Northern Echo)

CHURCH WINDOW NEARLY SMASHED (Arran Voice)

HORSHAM COAT HANGER THEFT VERDICT (West Sussex County Times)

SURREY POLICE REPORT NO DEATHS IN CUSTODY (Leatherhead Advertiser)

'SMUG' SWANS ATTACK DALMATIAN (Ham & High)

DOG INJURES NOSE (Salisbury Journal)

BLACK CAT SEEN NEAR M6 (Westmorland Gazette)

UNGRATEFUL COW SNUBS RESCUERS (Hastings & St Leonards Observer)

CAR HITS HEDGE (Western Morning News)

SMALL FIRE IN OVEN (Norwich Evening News)

LUCKY ESCAPE AS CAR JUST MISSES WOMAN (Newmarket Weekly News)

PENSIONER'S BREAKFAST CATCHES FIRE (West Somerset Free Press)

TOWEL CATCHES FIRE (Craven Herald & Pioneer)

NO ONE INJURED IN ACCIDENT (Loughborough Echo)

TOWN NEARLY HAD TRAMS (Loughborough Echo)

MOTORISTS FACE A CLEAR JOURNEY HOME THIS EVENING (Derby Telegraph)

WHITSTABLE MUM IN CUSTARD SHORTAGE (Whitstable Times)

ROAD STAYS OPEN (Leicester Mercury)

RAIDERS LEAVE INCONTINENCE PADS ON LORRY (Nottingham Post)

SCHOOL SHUT BOY IN SMALL ROOM (Leicester Mercury)

PSYCHIC SHOW CANCELLED DUE TO UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES (Plymouth Herald)

OWNERS OF PARROT SEVE BALLESTEROS PAY TRIBUTE TO PET'S NAMESAKE (Citizen, Gloucs)

There was a famous one from the eighties when the local libraries were threatened with closure in Essex.

Quote:

Book Lack in Ongar

The editor of the local rag must have waited his whole life to print that.

Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:16 am

^^

In Kenya the President used to be daniel arap Moi. He held the country together after his fashion. When he stepped down, trouble was predicted.

The Economist ran with the headline "Apres Moi le deluge" Not as subtle as "Gotcha" though.

Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:23 pm

I’m in trouble with the wife.
We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

******************************************

I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock and could tell something was wrong straight away.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I started to panic.
I just didn’t know what to do ………………… and

then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

*******************************************

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry ...

I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

*******************************************

Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:09 pm

Father - You take care of my daughter and be safe you hear?

Boy Friend - oh don't you worry about a thing, I got a daughter of my own too you know...

Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 3:51 am

Father: "My daughter's got acute angina"

Boyfriend: "Yeah and nice tits too"

Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:16 am

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

I don't know why, but I found this funny.

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 5:47 am

A man drives by a traffic control camera and the flash goes off. He knows he is doing the speed limit. So he goes around the block to try again at the exact speed and the flash goes off again. Now he's mad, and continues to go around the block several times. No matter what he does the flash goes off every time he passes. Two days later he gets 5 tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 6:27 am

A public union employee, a Tea Party guy, and a bank CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the Tea Partier and says, “Watch out for that union guy; he wants your cookie.”

Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 1:47 pm

A middle-aged father came into the room with his laptop and asked his teenage son to sit down.

"Son," he said, "I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."

"What about it, Dad?" the son asked.

"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mother knowing?"

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 7:30 am

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing that bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be.

She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it just come and get me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:06 am

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it.

He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup!"

Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:59 pm

Children Writing About The Sea

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an ******** on the top of its head. (Billy age Cool

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans (William age 7)

Cool

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age Cool

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 4:20 am

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........

Tom's scrotum

The Best Story of the Year: The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom... "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Laughing

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:23 pm

-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:46 am

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.”

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Laughing

Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 12:57 pm

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist's desk. The receptionist was a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name and in a very loud voice the receptionist said: "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied: "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 6:41 pm

Church Ladies With typewriters.

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Oct 2011 Posts: 22

http://thehairpin.com/2011/11/women-struggling-to-drink-water
One of those confusing links that aren't NSFW but you should probably do a quick scan over the shoulder.

Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 9:23 pm

A female truck driver was pulled over by a state trooper. The patrolman told her to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in her mouth as she stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was getting rid of her speed pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your lights, I knew I was screwed."

Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 6:30 am

Best necro I've ever seen in Eater. After nearly 6 years!! Thumbs up

http://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=72823

Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 5:44 pm

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20.
Just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if
I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the
door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 8:57 am

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors.

He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

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