Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 7:12 pm

The Cruise

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 9:21 am

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 11:27 am

Thoughts of a woman:
He's lying beside my, doesn't even hug me...
He's looking at the ceiling...
Who knows what he's thinking about...
We're together for almost 2 years - it's about time to find younger one..
And quite frankly - I've gained some weight in last 2 years
He's frowning, that's not good...
I'm loosing him, I bet I'm worthless to him

Thoughts of a man:
Fly on the ceiling...
How is it possible it doesn't fall down?!

Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 11:00 pm

Random pic

Not quite a Newb Joined: 29 Apr 2011 Posts: 44

Posted: Sat May 07, 2011 7:15 am

The Biker at the Zoo

A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Posted: Sat May 07, 2011 8:45 pm

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill.

He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the intensive care unit at the local hospital.

The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone and answers it.

“We’ve received the results from your tests,” says the doctor on the other end of the line. “Bad news—you have Ebola.”

“Oh, my God,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”

“Don’t worry. First, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread,” says the doctor.

“Will that cure me?” “No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door.”

Posted: Sat May 07, 2011 8:52 pm

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

Posted: Sat May 07, 2011 8:58 pm

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Peter down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," cried Peter: "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt anyone. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Peter, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Posted: Sat May 07, 2011 9:02 pm

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black".
"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

Not quite a Newb Joined: 29 Apr 2011 Posts: 44

Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 7:12 pm

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until after you've answered them.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 7:30 pm

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a! so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!and rode off.

What did you do to get that Indian so excited? asked the service-station attendant.

Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off, the woman answered.

Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

You know how they found Bin Laden?

They took a crop duster over the area spraying viagra, and the little p***k popped right up!

Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 8:22 pm

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 8:25 pm

Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”

The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, “I’m a lark and I’ve been sparked!”

The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, “I’m a drake and there’s been a big mistake!”

Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 8:29 pm

Three women walk in a pet shop.

Suddenly the parrot yells out, “Yellow, pink, blue.”

The first lady says, “That’s funny, I’m wearing yellow underwear.”

The second lady says “well I’m wearing pink.”

The third lady says “No way, I’m wearing blue.”

To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, “white ! white ! white!”

The three women are amazed.

The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled “Bald, curly and straight!”

They never went there again!!

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

Airplane mechanic humor

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

The state governor was hosting a Halloween costume party. All the gentry were there, and as they arrived, the doorman announced what their characters were.

When one couple arrived, he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse."

When another couple arrived, he announced, "Tarzan and Jane," and so on, as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening, a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants. Apart from that, he was totally naked from head to toe.

After ascertaining that the man was indeed an invited guest, the doorman asked, "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."

"I'm very sorry, sir," said the shocked doorman. "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"Okay," said the man, “Just say I came in my underpants."

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was....ouch!!!

ETA: I am certainly going to use this as a WU/MG stall tactic in my first bait!

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

ATTENTION EBAY USERS

Be careful what you purchase on EBAY.....
A friend of mine told me he spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
Instructions said don't use in the sunlight!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Man tries to take pony on train

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-13437279

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

ooops . . . wrong place

Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 3:09 am

Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 3:19 am

Reminds me of the old "killed while trying to escape" stories. But if this is true, it couldn't have happened to a more worthy guy. May he step off more curbs in the future, with equally painful results.

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