Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:37 pm

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ****-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

Pensioners - don't mess with them!!!!!!

insults and more · Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2011 4:57 pm

http://www.quickmeme.com/Socially-Awkward-Penguin/

insults and more · Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:32 am

http://pipeline.corante.com/archives/things_i_wont_work_with/

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:35 pm

From the WTF files:

Quote:

Police seize illegal bath salts in bust in Ripley
The Associated Press
RIPLEY, Miss. -- A Ripley store owner has been arrested for selling illegal bath salts.

Tippah County sheriff's investigator Jason Willis says Sadat A. Badr was arrested Tuesday and charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell. Badr is owner of the Ripley Fast Stop.

Gov. Haley Barbour signed into law Friday a bill that outlaws the chemical and its derivatives contained in the salts. Authorities say the salts can be smoked and snorted, and give a high similar to meth.

Willis says deputies found a cigar box behind the counter containing several packets of the bath salts. Willis says officers found several plastic bags in a safe containing a total of 1,734 individual bath salts packets.

Willis says Badr was selling the packets for $50 each.

Who tried that first?

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:52 pm

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:53 pm

During our recent flood, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little
boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat
go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.
They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream,
then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it
comes back again."

"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum
said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 8:04 pm

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released – New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir", says the young man behind the counter. "If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I’m sorry Sir", says the young assistant, "If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don’t understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognise any of those!"
"I’m terribly sorry, Sir", says the young man, "perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant... ... ...

"I’ve just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:28 pm

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely garden. She seems OK,
but after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up. Again, she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to
the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back
upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how
the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So, ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" the son asks.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:31 pm

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:33 pm

Three sailors are on shore leave, as they have a little money in their pockets, they decide to go to a brothel. Before long they find one that looks good, the sign outside says "£1 per inch."

So, the first sailor goes in to try it out, when he comes out his friends ask "So, was it good? how much did you pay?"
The sailor replies "£6"
Deciding that this is a good deal, the 2nd sailor goes in, when he comes out his friends say to him "How much did you pay then?"
"£7" he replies.
So, the third sailor goes in, when he comes out and they ask him how much he paid he replies "£3".
The 1st sailor exclaims "What? Hang on, I paid £6, he paid £7, how did you get away with only paying £3?"
The 3rd sailor replies, "Well I'm not stupid, I paid afterwards"

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:37 pm

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:38 pm

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while, baby brother was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom and the baby let out a cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Mar 2011 Posts: 12

why did the hedgehog cross the road?
to see his flat mate.

ateereehee

Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 5:54 pm

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Laughing

insults and more · Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 10:16 am

A rainy evening a new customer arrives into a pub, and orders a coffee.
– That will be three dollars, Sir, tells the bartender.
The customer drinks quietly the coffee, then he takes three one-dollar bills from his wallet and places one on the center of the counter. Then he goes to the extreme left of the bar (which is very long) and deposits there the second bill. Finally he goes to the extreme right of the counter, where he deposits the last bill. Then he leaves the pub.
The bartender is surprised, he has to walk along the whole bar to retrieve the money.
The following day the same customer comes back, and once again orders a coffee. To pay he performs the same routine as the previous day. And so, during several years the customer comes every evening, paying each time with the very same strange and annoying procedure.
One evening, the bartender feels that this day will be different. Well, as usual the customer orders a coffee, but this time he hands a fiver. The bartender is overwhelmed: for so long he has been waiting for this moment! With an infinite satisfaction, he takes two one-dollar bills from his register, and slowly deposits them at each extremity of the bar. The customer drinks his coffee, then he takes from his wallet a one-dollar bill that he puts on the bar.
– Another coffee, please.

From: http://submoon.freeshell.org/en/kewl/btts.html

Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2011 12:34 pm

a few pieces of black humor:

what has two legs and bleeds? - half a dog...

child: mum, give me the cookies! - mum: get them yourself - child: I can't, I don't have arms- mum: well, no arms, no cookies

woman: alfred, were are you going? - alfred: TO THE BAR! - woman: well, beat me now because later you'll wake me up

black humor is like legs, some have them some don't

Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2011 6:37 pm

A victim travels to Nigeria to meet his scammer. They go to a Chinese restaurant. What do they eat?

Mugu guy pan.

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 2:47 pm

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD'IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 2:49 pm

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last
night. He hypnotised 7 blokes then
dropped the microphone on his foot & said "F*** me".
What happened next will haunt me forever.

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 2:51 pm

A man owns a general store selling everything from tintacks to Tampax. He has stood his son a private education, but wants to teach him the principles of trade in case he should take over the business. So during school holidays he has the son in the shop from time to time.

He explains that there is a right and a wrong way to approach a customer who is looking round. You don't say, "Can I help you?" because it gives them the chance to simply say, "No."

If they are looking at a particular item you can ask, "Is this the same as you have at home?" Then the discussion can continue whatever the answer and may lead to a sale. He says to the lad, "Watch what I do."

A man comes in and asks for a large packet of grass seed. The shopkeeper puts the packet on the counter and says, "What kind of lawn mower have you, sir?" The man replies, "None. I won't be needing it until the grass grows."

The shopkeeper explains that he has one mower in stock which is the end of a line. He can offer it at a reduced price and in his opinion it is of better quality than the new model that will replace it. He sells the man a lawn mower.

He says to his son, "See what you can do with the next customer."

A young fellow comes up to the counter, goes a bit red and asks for a packet of sanitary towels.

The son says, "Packet of sanitary towels, sir, and what kind of lawn mower have you?"

The young chap says, "What do I want with a lawn mower?"

"Well you won't be doing much this weekend. You may as well cut the grass."

Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:13 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uF3J-wHy-o

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Termites eat trunk box money
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/world/termites-eat-up-200000-cash/story-e6frf7lo-1226043531438

sure there's possibilities here

Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 12:25 pm

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 12:27 pm

Two Irishmen find a mirror on the road.

The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me down, I know this face but I cant put a name to it."

The second picks it up and says, "You daft bastard, it's me!"

***********************************************************

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck," says the guard.

"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

***********************************************************

Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 7:10 pm

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning ...

Today you voted.'

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