Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 7:36 am

Some people aren't cut out to be identikit artists..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hfsWANIs6Q

Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:19 pm

A North Carolina State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:47 pm

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds, a tennis court and a swimming pool.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."

Baiting Guru Joined: 11 May 2004 Posts: 2163

Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 7:01 pm

Three elderly golfers were out for their weekly game.

The one golfer said "You know, every damn morning I get up, my back hurts like hell, my arms are stiff & it takes me 1/2 an hour to get out of bed!"

The other golfer said "Well, when I get up in the morning, my legs are all cramped and I have to rub them for about 15 minutes before I can even think about walking!"

The third guy looks at them and says:

"I think you two should shut up & be happy we're still on the right side of the green!"

Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 7:10 pm

Long ago when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:43 pm

The Ultimate Adventure Cruise

http://www.tothepointnews.com/content/view/3617/85/

Anyone Brave enough ????..... Laughing

Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:17 pm

GLASGOW BUDGIE...........

A man buy’s a Budgie, It keeps repeating

“Am a Glesga Budgie am hard as f**k”

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel

Puts it in the cage and said “Let’s see how hard you are now”

Next morning the Kestrels dead, Budgie said

“Am a Glesga Budgie am hard as f**k”

Man buys a Buzzard puts it in the cage

Next morning the Buzzards dead and the Budgie said

“Am a Glesga Budgie am hard as f**k”

Man buys a Golden Eagle puts it in the cage

Next morning the Eagles dead and the Budgie has no feathers left?

Budgie says “Hid tae take ma jaikit aff fur that BA*TARD”

Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 12:49 pm

2 monkeys are sitting in the bath.
the first monkey says: whoo hoo hoo hooo!

Okay, says the other money, I'll add some cold water.

Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 3:11 pm

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were holidaying in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone but my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but sadly, to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no longer of this world.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

^ groan

slam dunk?
http://news.scotsman.com/edinburgh/Teenage-girl-gets-stuck-in.6723606.jp

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 26 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

"Oh officer it was all so terrible I am still trembling; I was attacked by a gang of snails." Said the turtle to the police officer.

"That's OK you'll be fine, just take a deep breath and try to explain the crime to me." Said the police officer

The turtle replies, "I don't know it all happened so fast."

Doc

Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2011 2:59 am

^^OMG, that's a visual that's got me LOLing. Outloud! heehee!!! Poor traumatized turtle. Laughing

Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2011 8:32 pm

This appeared on Yahoo news:

Quote:

"Designer John Galliano parises Hitler".

Sounds like the least edifying porn movie ever!

Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:11 pm

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.

Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:13 pm

"Catching Something"

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat!"

Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:25 pm

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet, Biscuit - the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a*** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

They won't let me shop there anymore.

Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:29 pm

Doug was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he
decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my
father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became
his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:32 pm

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:50 pm

I was sitting on a train the other day and sat opposite me was a really pretty Thai girl
She was looking at me with the most gorgeous almond eyes and had this bewitching smile.

I sat there thinking "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"

But she did.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Urine free wet suit listing on ebay
read the Q and A too

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160559216667#description

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:36 am

^

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:23 am

- OK sir, last question in this survey: Who would you want to go to a tropical island with?

A. Your wife? or..

- B!!!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

An update on the urine free wet suit
The ebay auction was up at over £11k but bids were withdrawn as the countdown started, the eventual winner now wont honour the bid

http://www.bearsdontwearwetsuits.com/auction.html

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:31 pm

A couple of guys are ready to tee off on the golf course.
Being gentlemen they let a couple of ladies tee off before them.
Whack! The first lady belts the ball into the rough, some tall bushes off to the right.
Being women they rush off together and dive into the bushes.

After a while Fred turns to Arthur and says,"They're taking a long time Arthur."
Arthur says, "One of them's probably taking a sh*t!"
"Oh no," says Fred. "They are refined ladies, they wouldn't do that on a golf course"
"I'll bet you ten quid I'm right," says Arthur.
"Ok, your on," says Fred.

So off they trot up to the bushes and on gently parting them, spy one of the ladies with her knickers around her ankles, while the other stands guard.

"Well I'll be buggered," whispers Fred. "I'm staggered! Here's your ten quid."

"Listen Arthur, give me a chance to get my money back?" says Fred.
"Ok," says Arthur, "How?"

"Well I'll bet you twenty quid she doesn't wipe her ar*e."

"Oh come on Fred, ladies are very hygienic that's not going to happen."

"Hurry up, are you on? Twenty quid says she doesn't wipe her ar*e!" says Fred.
"Ok, Im on," says Arthur.

So Fred gently parts the bushes and yells, "Oieee!!"

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